1. #1591

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

  2. #1592

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

  3. #1593

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I married a Miss Right.

    I just didn't know her first name was Always.

  4. #1594

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.When it became apparent that
    > we would marry, I made the supreme sacrificeand gave up beans. Some months
    > later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home fromwork.Since I lived
    > in the countryside I called my husband and told him that Iwould be late because
    > I had to walk home.On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked
    > beans was morethan I could stand.With miles to walk, I figured that I would
    > walk off any ill effects by thetime I reached home, so I stopped at the diner
    > and before I knew it, I had consumed t hree large orders of baked beans.All the
    > way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.Upon my arrival, my husband
    > seemed excited to see me and exclaimeddelightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise
    > for dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the
    > dinner table.I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold,
    > thetelephonerang.He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
    > returned and wentto answer the call.The baked beans I had consumed were still
    > affecting me and the pressure wasbecoming most unbearable, so while my husband
    > was out of the room I seizedthe opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and
    > let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
    > running over askunk in front of a pulpwood mill.I took my napkin from my lap
    > and fanned the air around me vigorously.Then, shifting to the other cheek, I
    > ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.Keeping my ears
    > carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, Iwent on like this for
    > another few minutes.The pleasure was indescribable.When eventually the
    > telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a
    > few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lapand folded my hands back on
    > it feeling very relieved and pleased withmyself.My face must have been the
    > picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
    > He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
    > hadnot.At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
    > seatedaround the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!' I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. #1595

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    ahaha nice jokes

  6. #1596

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    ill be using some of these

  7. #1597

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
    He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
    As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
    His friend watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
    On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "Your dog can't swim!"

  8. #1598

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    johnny roger

    "smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill' - bl##dy good one

  9. #1599

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    nice joke mate

  10. #1600

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    just spent over 1 hour reading the first few pages

  11. #1601

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated


  12. #1602

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

    'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

    Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

    His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

    Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

    It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

    Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

    Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

    Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

    Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

  13. #1603

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Hey That's not funny

    This is supposed to be the JOKE thread where we can get away from reality.

    Then you go and slap us in the face with the truth - no fair

    Unfrotunately - it is so true - Commonsense is a luxury these days.


  14. #1604

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Fred walked up to his front door with a duck under his arm
    he opens the door looks at his wife on the lounge and
    he says this is the pig I was telling you about and
    she says thats not a pig
    he says I wasn't talking to you
    I was talking to the duck

  15. #1605

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect;
    they end up leaving together.
    They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
    sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
    cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and
    she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing
    the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
    covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
    all the way along the top shelf.
    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection
    of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
    thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the
    future father of my children?'
    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
    They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
    his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
    clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she
    responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
    they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
    strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
    and says:

    'Help yourself to any prize
    from the middle shelf'

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