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  1. #1576

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    --Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
    living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
    days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
    and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
    way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
    yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese
    customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.


    The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
    to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
    Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
    interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on
    hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
    go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull
    down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's
    bum.

    The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
    man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
    I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
    around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,
    and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that
    bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

    The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no
    understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
    Customs."

    "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't
    Australian customs."

    "Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese
    man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink
    piss, and listen to bull-shit"
    I like fishing

  2. #1577

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    THE IRAQI FOOTBALLER
    New Liverpool coach flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play for Liverpool.
    Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Everton with only 20 minutes left.
    The coach gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.
    The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.
    The coach is delighted, the players and fans are delighted and the media love the new star.
    When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English premiership.
    “Hello Mum, guess what?” he says in an Iraqi accent.
    “I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me – the fans, the media they all love me”.
    “Wonderful”, says his Mum, “let me tell you about my day.
    Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time”.
    The young lad is very upset.
    “What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?”
    Sorry?!!!” says his Mum. “It’s your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place”!!

  3. #1578

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    The farmers Daughter

    A farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the
    farmhouse door.
    A young boy about 12 opened the door.
    'Is your dad home?' the farmer asked.
    'No, sir, he ain't' the boy replied.
    'He went into town.'
    'Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?'
    'No sir, she ain't here neither...she went into town with dad.'
    'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
    'He went with mom and dad.'
    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other
    mumbling to himself.
    'Is there anything I can do for ya?' the boy asked politely.'
    'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or, maybe I could
    take a message for dad.'
    'Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your dad...
    It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant.'
    The boy considered for a moment.
    'You would have to talk to Pa about that,' he finally conceded.
    'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the
    hog, 'But I really don't know how much he gets for Howard.'

  4. #1579

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    TAKE IT OFF

    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg. weight loss program..

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
    "If you can catch me, you can have me."

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day
    there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
    that he has lost another 10kg. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/20kg program.

    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,
    you’re mine."

    He lost 19kg that week!!

  5. #1580

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Aussie McCartney-Mills Divorce Humor ...Or Not


    It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife were divorced and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic!


    News reports confirmed the beginning of the break-up when Paul McCartney and Heather Mills-McCartney separated and Mrs. McCartney said at the time: "He has been my crutch for so long! I have no idea why this happened, I'm really stumped."


    "She's running around in circles," said a close friend of Heather's reaction to the break-up. "She will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk out on a relationship like this."

    After the break-up, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if reporters call her "Heather".

    It's not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Sir Paul is one of the richest men in the world, so if an agreement has been signed, it is believed that Heather won't have a leg to stand on.

    Rumors abound over the split between Sir Paul and Heather Mills-McCartney which suggest that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible," said one source, "always trying to get her leg over".

    Another source suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause of the break-up. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore," said a friend, "he would get home at night and find her legless".

    A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate, "I'm &*@^ked! Who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate responded, "Try Paul McCartney".


    Finally, A Poem By Sir Paul McCartney:

    As I lay upon a grassy bank

    My hands were all a quiver

    I slowly removed her garter belt

    and her leg fell in the river.

  6. #1581

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A woman walks into the (insert suburb name here) Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
    "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?
    "Yeah they all mine," the mother explains, having heard the question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.
    "Well," says the social worker, "So you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
    "OK This one's my oldest - he's Terry."
    "OK, and who's next?"
    "Well, this one number two, he's Terry, also."
    The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
    Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
    "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are all the girls named Terri?"
    "Well, yes" the Mother explained," It makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'OUT A BED Terry! 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Dinner Terry!' an' they all come runnin. 'An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell "Stop Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry."
    The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
    "I call 'im by 'is last name!"

  7. #1582

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Cops raid a house of ill repute. Find an asian gentleman in waiting room and cop ask him for his name.
    I am Ting, he says
    Cop busts in to bedroom and catches another asian gentleman in bed with one of the girls.
    Right he says. Your nicked. Whats your name.
    He says his name his Ting.
    Listen , he says. Do you think 'm stupid. You cant trick me. That gentlemans name is Ting. Whats your name.
    Asian gent says, Yes he's WAI - TING and I am ROO - TING
    THE POOR MAN ALWAYS PAYS TWICE

  8. #1583

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A bloke used to catch male monkeys for his career & sell them to zoos - just to make a quidd or three.

    To do this he basically had himself and his savage, lock jaw Pitbull Terrier.

    After quite a few years in the business the bloke was feeling a bit old for the job so he advertised for an apprentice. A young fella responded then next thing they knew, they were off to the deepest darkest jungles of the Congo in search of monkeys.

    Once in the forest - with plenty of monkeys & chimps overhead in the trees, the old bloke said:

    "Now pay attention and I'll give you the run-down on how its done"

    "First I climb up the tree and I go out out onto the branch. Then I swing at the monkeys with a stick. When one falls out of the tree my pitbull rushes over and lock-jaws onto his balls - until the monkey is paralysed. Then I climb down from the tree and throw the net over him"

    "OK, have you got all that? Good...now here's the gun"

    He hands the apprentice a gun and starts climbing the tree.

    The apprentice says "But what's this gun for..?"

    The old bloke looks back & replies:

    "If I fall out of the tree; shoot the dog..!"
    Last edited by PNG1M; 05-04-2008 at 11:56 PM. Reason: typo...

  9. #1584

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Some excuses to get out of doing things....

    I'd love to but...
    1) The man on television told me to say tuned.
    2) It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
    3) I'm building a pig from a kit.
    4) I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
    5) There's a disturbance in the Force.
    6) I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
    7) I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
    8) I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
    9) I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
    10) My plot to take over the world is thickening.
    11) I have to fulfill my potential.
    12) It's too close to the turn of the century.
    13) I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
    14) I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
    15) I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
    16) I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
    17) I'm trying to be less popular.
    18) I have to study for a blood test.
    19) I have to rotate my crops.
    20) I prefer to remain an enigma.
    21) I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
    22) I want to spend more time with my blender.

    For a really interesting time, see how many work with the wife

  10. #1585

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Three Black Men
    At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

    The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures each had a black p****, but the one in the middle had a pink p****.

    The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

    He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink p**** also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

    After the curator left, a Scotsman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

    'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

    'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

    'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Scottish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

  11. #1586

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A man was in a long line at Kmart.
    As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could
    have some brought up to the register.

    She asked, 'What size condoms?'

    The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

    She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

    The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

    When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

    She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

    She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

    A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type
    of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

    When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

    She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
    Then picked up the intercom and said...



    (you'll love this one...................)
















    'Cleanup, Register 5'







    Cheers,
    Chris

  12. #1587

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were

    swimming around in the sea.



    One was called Justin and the other was called Christian.



    The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that


    inhabited the area.



    Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a

    prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about


    being eaten."



    A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."



    Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.



    Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by

    his old mate.



    Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and

    lonely.



    All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.



    Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of


    his sad plight.



    While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he

    thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.



    He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and

    behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.



    With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his

    friends and bought them all a cocktail.



    (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse!!)



    Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see

    his old pal.



    "Where's Christian?" he asked.



    "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to

    the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.



    Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he


    set off to Christian's abode.



    As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.



    He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,

    come out and see me again."



    Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the

    enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."



    Justin cried back, "No, I'm not! That was the old me. I've

    changed.........."











    (You're going to love this...)















    (Scroll Down.)























    "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian".

  13. #1588

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife,

    "Notice anything different about me?"

    Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

    Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks
    back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
    little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"

    Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today,
    it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Furious, Ray yells,


    "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
    IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

    To which Bessie replies,


    "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

  14. #1589

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Attachment 24643

    Sent this one at work today

  15. #1590

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    My Daughter sent me this in an email and sadly I can relate to it

    Recently a woman was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
    >
    > Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > This is how it manifests:
    >
    > I decide to water my flower tubs.
    >
    > As I turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs
    > washing.
    >
    > I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the
    > porch table.
    >
    > I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
    >
    > I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin
    > under the
    > table, and notice that the bin is full.
    >
    > So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
    > rubbish
    > first.
    >
    > But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the
    > rubbish, I may as well pay the
    > bills first.
    >
    > I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only
    > 1 cheque
    > left.
    >
    > My extra cheques are in the computer desk, so I go inside the
    > house to
    > my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
    >
    > I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke
    > aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
    >
    >
    > The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge
    > to keep
    > it cold.
    >
    > As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
    > window ledge catches my eye - they need water.
    >
    > I put the Coke on the window ledge and discover my reading
    > glasses that
    > I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my
    > computer desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
    >
    > I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a
    > container with
    > water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen
    > table.
    >
    > I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking
    > for the
    > remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
    > to put
    > it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the
    > flowers.
    >
    > I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor.
    > So, I
    > set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
    >
    > Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
    > planning to do.
    >
    > At the end of the day:
    >
    > - The tubs aren't watered;
    >
    > - The car isn't washed;
    >
    > - The bills aren't paid;
    >
    > - There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge;
    >
    > - The flowers don't have enough water;
    >
    > - There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book;
    >
    > - I can't find the remote;
    >
    > - I can't find my glasses;
    >
    > - I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.
    >
    > Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I'm really
    > baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
    >
    > I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
    > help for
    > it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
    >
    > Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I
    > don't remember who I've sent it to.
    >
    > Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

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