1. #1516

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
    The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
    Donald frowned and said "No."
    Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
    "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
    "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
    "No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

  2. #1517

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    While we are on duck jokes ...

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

    The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck.'

    'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

    'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.

    'I see your ears are working,' says the duck. 'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

    'Certainly,' says the barman. 'Sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

    'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.

    The duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

    This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

    The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, 'You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'
    'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster. 'Get him to give me a call.'

    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!'

    'Yeah?' says the duck. 'Sounds great, where is it?'

    'At the circus,' says the barman.

    'The circus?' the duck enquires.

    'That's right,' replies the barman.

    'The circus?' the duck asks again.

    'Yes,' says the barman

    'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.

    'Yeah,' the barman replies.

    'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.

    'Of course' the barman replies.

    'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle,' asks the duck.

    'That's right!' says the barman.

    The duck looks confused...

    'What would they want with a plasterer?'



  3. #1518

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Funny Pics

  4. #1519

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Paddy and the Taxman

    The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

    The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

    "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"

    The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"

    Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
    Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
    The auditor's jaw drops.

    Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye."

    The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    "Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet
    you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
    The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

    "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

    "Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it."

  5. #1520

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner
    put up a sign saying,

    'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

    Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

    The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he
    would get his free sex.

    The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number
    was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

    A week later, the same bloke come along with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a
    fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

    The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

    The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 4. You
    were close, but no free sex this time.'

    As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, 'I think that game is
    rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

    Blue replied, 'No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged.....

    my Missus won twice last week......'

  6. #1521

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    The sharing of marriage...

    The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

    He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

    He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

    He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

    Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

    As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

    People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

    Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

    Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the serviette, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

    She answered ...

    (Scroll down - This is great)

    'THE TEETH.'

    Last edited by charleville; 04-02-2008 at 04:06 PM.

  7. #1522

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Not sure if this is here yet, but here tis anyway.

    Attachment 21015

    While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

    "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

    "You've gotta be kiddin' me."

    "No, would you like to give it a try?"

    Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

    Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

    He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

    When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

  8. #1523

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai.

    So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

    A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding
    position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

    The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee.

    Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

    The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

    The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh!

    The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

    The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

    Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat.

    His flashing sword went whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
    The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

    The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
    Veni, Vidi, Fishi
    I came, I saw, I Fished

  9. #1524

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
    1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "
    2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
    1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
    2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"
    1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
    2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
    3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
    wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
    1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
    3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got a willy to put em on!

  10. #1525

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    What's 25 metres long and has just two teeth?

    Answer: The front row of a Willy Nelson concert.

  11. #1526

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  12. #1527

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Terry went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of North Renfrew
    After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Terry's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
    However, Terry noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
    His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get' em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
    For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Terry was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
    Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
    Later that afternoon, Terry was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

    Terry yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
    Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME!!!"

  13. #1528

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Compatibility problems??

    Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble.
    However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and
    the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned

    To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with
    several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy
    6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware
    beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my
    system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

    Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
    time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
    they caused severe damage to all my hardware.

    Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that
    this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
    However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run.
    For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's
    memory and could not be deleted, they then re-surfaced months later.

    Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter,
    and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter
    products have no help files and require you to try and guess the problem

    Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with
    the original system, needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser
    Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express also needs to be reinstalled
    every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to
    try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches
    itself to my GTI 1.9 programme it often crashes or runs the system dry.
    Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which
    can't be turned off.

    Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be
    problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete
    all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

  14. #1529

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on the Northern Rock Building Society in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

    In the last seven days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut many of its branches.

    Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

    Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.


  15. #1530

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    :grin::grin: charlie

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