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  1. #1501

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Adverts of yesteryear ....

  2. #1502
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Great ads Charlie

    What could go wrong.......................

  3. #1503

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in the Gulf with my boss & several of his friends.

    We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up".

    "Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

    The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

    The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

    The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
    He said, "Yes! Heaps of Barra and GTs, but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

    The wife replied, "I did. They're in your tackle box..."

  4. #1504

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated


    Wait for the lady to appear, then ...



    No need to write your email address

    4. Press the VISUALIZAR bar
    Veni, Vidi, Fishi
    I came, I saw, I Fished

  5. #1505

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding
    anniversary when the wife says
    'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made
    a confession, before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'
    The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
    says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold
    your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the
    trade and spice up our life a bit?'
    She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for
    Cronulla .........

  6. #1506

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    The Husband Store
    A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
    There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from aparticular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 -
    These men Have Jobs.

    She is intrigued, but continues to the
    second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 -
    These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 -
    These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 -
    These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 -
    These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 -
    You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


    To avoid gender bias charges,
    the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love s#x.

    The second floor has wives that love s#x and have money.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

  7. #1507

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

    They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
    'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
    Puff! She's gone.

    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

    Puff! He's gone.

    'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

  8. #1508

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then asked "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

  9. #1509

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658
    responded to a call, there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck,Okla. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver woke up when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating
    lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked , jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow , wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary
    car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over!' The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says Trooper's don't have a
    sense of humor?

  10. #1510

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex

    Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex

    When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

    Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

    In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

    You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

    You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

    You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

    Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

  11. #1511

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:

    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

    The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

    'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

    'Interesting,' the newsman thought.

    He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

    She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

    After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

    She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

  12. #1512

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Charlie walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
    "Darling,this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.
    His wife is lying in bed and replies"I think you'll find thats a sheep, you idiot!."
    Charlie says"I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

  13. #1513

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Hope it hasn't been posted before......

  14. #1514

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the city botanical gardens every day to feed the pigeons, watch the ducks in the pond and discuss world problems.

    One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
    maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up
    for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
    ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
    unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
    but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
    Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then
    he said,"For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

    Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

    "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

    "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
    waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

    "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

    "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."


  15. #1515

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
    After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
    The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
    The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”
    The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, “Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?”
    The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.”
    A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, “Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?”
    The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.”
    The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
    Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one’s black.”

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