Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[bungie]

Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition.

After several weeks, he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.

The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.

"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.

"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"

"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.

"How big is your club?"


"Well" he replied...... "there are about 100 of us."

[PADDLES]

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for a checkup
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the old man said "things are great, I've never felt better"
"I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child"
"So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered this for a while and began to tell a story,
" I have an older friend, much like yourself
This older friend is an avid hunter, one day he was in such a hurry to leave the house and go hunting he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of the gun.
As he neared a lake he spotted a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.
Realising that he'd left his gun at home and he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature, he still raised the cane to his shoulder, aimed it and said bang bang under his breath.
In that instant two shots rang out and the beaver keeled over dead"
"Now what do you think of that?" said the doctor.
The 86 year old said "logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver"
"My point exactly" replied the doctor.

[charleville]

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No, I'm turning the heating off."






.

[harro1]

Game fishing is going fishing on your wifes birthday.

[reelcrazy]

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least-evolved among us.

And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
Victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be
Robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it
worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-
Cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have
A look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
Finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
Car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
Find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
Driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
Transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
Admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
Offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered
The passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
The patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
Head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
Received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply
Trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train
Before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
Counter, and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and
Asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
Provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
The $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
From the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
Decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor
Store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the
Cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The
Cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
Head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
Made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a
Man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately,
and the woman was able to
Give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
Minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
The car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken
Out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To
Which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole
the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man
Walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m.,
Flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
Because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a
Food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
Weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
Parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained
For. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled
Up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
Said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and
Plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
Mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
Saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

[reelcrazy]

The Bragging Queenslander


A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on
his mobile phone. As he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to
ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy
everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the
people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.

Well, he announces, 'My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy
weighing 25 pounds'.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Queenslander just shrugs. 'That's about average in Queensland'

Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy.

Congratulations are showered him from all around and many exclamations of
'STREWTH' were heard.

One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.

The bartender says 'You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you?'

Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going
to call you. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers: '17 pounds'.

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. 'What happened? He weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, 'Had him
circumcised!

[Oh Gee]

Reuters.com reported today that U.S. hotel heiress Paris Hilton's potential inheritance dramatically diminished after her grandfather Barron Hilton announced plans on Wednesday to donate 97 percent of his $2.3 billion fortune to charity.

I guess that'll tie her knickers in a knot. Oh, wait, um...

[Deestingray]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of
this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag,
loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few
measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the height and she gives us the length."

[charleville]

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director. "We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[BobbyJ123]

Revenge Of The Turkeys!!

[BGG]

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been toTexas for our honeymoon. On the first day we decided to go horse riding. My horse was pretty okay but the horse my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first warning". She again climbed on the horse and continued to ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second warning" and continued. When the horse dropped her a third time, she calmly took out the revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" .
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first warning!!"."

"That's it. We’ve been happily married ever since. "

[Chimo]

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole,

just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,

Bob says, "I think I'm

going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

[B_E_N]

'the' Party!


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[charleville]

http://www.slapcorey.com/

[Ausfish]

The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


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