True Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys' night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom.........
And asking:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" ;D ;D
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True Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys' night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom.........
And asking:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" ;D ;D
A man moved to a new house. He thought he would get to know the locals and went to the pub near his home. He went in and sat at a stool and asked for a drink. In front of him was a jar of 10 cent coins, with a sign saying correct guess wins you the jar!!!
After about 10 beers he told the barman he was on his way home and the barman said seeing he was such a good customer he could have a free guess at the jar. The man had been thinking about an amount all night and replied with 206 dollars. The barman stood amazed and said, THAT"S CORRECT !!
How did you know how much was in there? The man said just a lucky guess, grabbed his jar of coins and staggered out and walked home.
As he walked up the front stairs of his house he tripped and the jar crashed to the patio and scattered the 2006 coins all over the place. He decided he would pick it up in the morning. He crept into the bedroom and without waking his wife went to sleep. Early next morning his wife came in all excited to wake him up yelling JOHN,JOHN..... You wont guess whats all over our patio?.... John opens his eyes and says calmly, Yeah I know..... 206 dollars in 10 cent coins......
NO!! she said.....
There is 200 liters of MILK !!!!
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an infamous underworld figure who went by the name of Artie.
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The husband opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the Fruit and Veg Department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Fruit and Veg department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's Security Guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:-
[You're going to hate me for this]
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT LOCAL SUPERMARKET"
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around The room as sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, Eating.
Marty asks," Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave Yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
All very amusing Guys ;D ;D ;D ;D;D
A worldwide survey was recently conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant ;)
keep em comeing.
I was just browsing my local fishing site and saw these. I thought you may like them so I copied them. It's called "Snappy answers."
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family! . She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
Snappy Answer #5
(THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR) A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-butt guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand.
BONUS Snappy Answer
A girl was visiting her ! blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"
LMFAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;DQuote:
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"
Little Johnny's next-door neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before goin to the neighbours.
He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to slap your arse when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at the baby's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replied, "Why, yes.... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said,
"Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be buggered if he needed to
wear glasses!"
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
couldnt remember a joke told to me 10 minutes ago, and couldnt tell a joke if my life depended on it, but it sure puts a smile on my dial reading them
keep em coming
cheers
blaze
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there,
If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after
me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for
our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds,"It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word. After few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
That you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again"
Theres a young fella walking along Bondi beach and see's something shiny in the sand. In the sand was a lamp. He picks it up and POOF!! out comes a Genie. The Genie thanks him for releasing him from the bottle and offers the man one wish. The man asks why not 3 like all other Genie's. The Genie replies that due to the length of time in the bottle his powers were failing so one more wish could be all he has left.
The Genie tells him not to bother with stuff like a million dollars cos thats impossible, and stuff like all the gold in the world, cos its also impossible. He says make a wish for something constructive.
The man thinks long and hard and finally comes up with the perfect wish. Genie I wish for a bridge to span from here over the ocean to Auckland. You see my family are all living in Auckland, and I have a fear of flying and a fear of boats. The Genies shakes his head and says thats impossible as well. Just think of all the concrete, steel, electrical cables, bitumen, lights, road signs and pylons. No sorry, that is impossible as well, make another wish.
Again the man thinks long and hard and eventually makes a wish .....
I want to be able to understand women. The Genie thinks long and hard and replys with.........
Did you want 2 or 4 lanes on your bridge? ;D ;D
LMAO Good work guys
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious" :-X
Thought for the day
An elderly man went to the doctor’s office to have a sperm count done. When the doctor called him in to the office and asked the man how he could help, he replied that he would like to have his sperm count checked. The doctor asked if he was planning another family, and the old guy says, "No, I am 73 and my wife is 67, I just want a sperm count done." So the doctor gives the man a vial and tells him to take it home and when he gets a sample, to bring it in to the office. So the next day, the doctor sees the same man in the waiting room, and calls him in to the office. "Do you have a sample for me already?” the doctor asks. "No I don’t", replies the old man. "I tried with my left hand, and nothing, then I tried my right hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife to help and she used her left hand, her right hand, nothing worked. She even took out her teeth and used her gums. We just couldn’t get the lid off the bottle. ;D
A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to
take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.
While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.
An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to
Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in
Israel for US$500.
The man says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure?
That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there For TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother
heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR
delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."
An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would
somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to
his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a
ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "
"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
he voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."
"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.
John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I
have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a
while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much
all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next
day it starts all over again."
"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"
"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo."
A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance,if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating,she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire,with scissors shoved deeply into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his rear end.
Further studies are expected
A man comes home from work on a friday sits in his favorite chair and says to his wife "get me a beer before it all starts will ya"so with a puzzeled look on her face say gets him a beer. The guy finishes his beer and says "get me a beer before it all starts will ya"she gets him another beer and goes back to preparing dinner . The guy finishes his second beer and yell agian"get me a beer before it all starts will ya" The wife has had enough and comes and in yelling and curseing at him ÿou have done nothing since you got home, The guy turns to her and says "looks like its started" ;D
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Interstate Relations
Four guys are driving cross-country together, one from South Australia, one from Tassie, one from Queensland, and the last one is from Victoria.
A bit down the road the Tasmanian starts to pull apples from his bag and throws them out the window. The South Australian turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Tasmanian says, "Mate, we have so many of these damned things in Tassie they're lying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the South Australian begins pulling bottles of wine from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The Queenslander asks "What are you doing that for?"
The South Australian replies, "Man, we have so much of this damn stuff in South Australia I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the Queenslander opens the car door and pushes out the Victorian.
NB - Before the state rivalry comes out just have a good laugh, change the states (or nationalities) and send it on to your frineds and wait for the laughter to duplicate.
A fishermans story.
Paddy and Colin, 2 Irishmen, were walking along the street towards the outskirts of their town in Ireland.
They noticed 2 of their friends, Sean and Brian, walking towards them from the direction of the river and they each had a large salmon under their arms.
Paddy says to the fishermen "Well now, look at that. Where'd ye get the fish from?"
Sean says " The river's full of 'em at this toim of the year Paddy. They're moigratin upstream to spawn. Arl ya got te do is hang over the bridge and grab 'em as they come past."
So, off Paddy and Colin go to catch a salmon.
Colin grabed Paddy by the legs and hung him over the bridge. He hung there for ages, then suddenly he started to squirm and yelled out "PULL ME UP COLIN, PULL ME UP!!"
Colin excitedly says "Have ye got a fish Paddy, have ye got a fish??"
"NO.... THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMIN'!!!"
GES
You prob heard it B4. Two guys were fishing in their boat near a bridge. There a couple of hours, caught a couple, when a funeral procession crossed the bridge. Joe put his beer on the seat and silently stood. He removed his hat, placed his hand over his heart and waited till it had passed. Bob said "Hell mate, I didn't know anyone could be that affected by a simple funeral procession". Joe replied "It's the least I could do, We were married for thirty two years".
Little four year old Dave came home from Kinder. His Mum asked how his day went. Dave says "We had a beaut farm visit today. We saw cats, dogs, sheep, lambs, cows and a paddock full of ####ers. Mum was devastated but keeping her cool said "That's lovely Dave, I know all about the cats, dogs, sheep and things, but what are these '####ers"? "Miss Edwards called them 'heifers', but we all knew what she meant" replied Dave.
that last joke wouldnt be courtesy of billy conolly would it ;D
What did the elephant say to the naked man? - It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing.
"What do they say?" the priest inquired ?
They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to
have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he
thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to
your problem.
I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught
to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots
over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Bob.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very
well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to
the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two
male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and
praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in the cage.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the f******
beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
Oldie but a goodie...
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring at him.
The young man finally said, "What's the matter Old Timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and f***** a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
The Hitchhiker
This story happened about a month ago, in a little town in Victoria (Australia), and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
This guy was on the side of the road near Terang, hitchhiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy,without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other. "Look Bill, there's the 'w @ n k e r' that got in the car when we were pushing it!!!"
;D
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to
the doctor, he says, " How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your ##### in a splint to let it heal and
keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon
night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first,
no one has ever touched these breasts."
she then takes off her panties and says you'll be the first to touch me here.
with that the husband whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
This one comes from Mr Kilkenny...
A businessman is driving out of Glasgow one Friday evening along M8.
He runs into a traffic jam but after about ten minutes sitting
still, he's beginning to think 'hey, this is worse than usual'. He
sees a policeman wandering between the lines of cars, so winds down his window and calls him over to ask what's going on ahead.
'It's a Rangers fan,' says the policeman. 'He's feeling really
depressed because his team failed to dae anythin this season after all the mouthing off he's been doing since last year. He also says that he's got no friends, all his family hate him, he lives in Easterhouse and he's never had a job.
He's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire in the middle of the road. I've had a long chat with him, and now I'm taking up a collection for him.'
The businessman is impressed. 'Wow, that's really good of you,' he says. How much have you collected for him so far?' 'Well,' says the policeman, 'About 20 gallons so far, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Tasmanian mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The Victorian mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the NSW mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The NSW mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses on the bar, turns to the Victorian mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can take, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz for the rest of the day." They both turn to the Queensland mouse.
The Queensland mouse finished the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the other two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Gotta go home and f##k the cat."
??? ???10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was.…..God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"