The Joke Page

[Harrya]

Hay guys what ever happend to the Laughs we were going to have .
It started out ok But whats the Story
Just good Clean Funnies
Jack did his bit
Harrya

[fisho]

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?



a carrot

[Vern_Veitch]

Don't Lie To Your Mother
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's female housemate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his housemate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housemate than her dear son was letting on.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just housemates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house,
And I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Have you any ideas where it is?
Love John"

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum"

[Lucky_Phill]

OK. Greenpeace are trying to Ban gamefishing !

They believe if they can prove that the " fish " has feelings and is hurting , they have a chance of banning this Sport !

[Lucky_Phill]

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"

[Lucky_Phill]

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.
The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery...."



??? >:( :-[

[Lucky_Phill]

This one's PG rated.




::) :o ::)
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his ##### into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my ##### into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"And what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."



yep, I know, you could see it coming. oldey but a goodie. ;D ;D

[fishy_phil]

what is the latest irish invention???










a chopper with ejector seats!!!




what do u call a room full of blondes???







mass confusion!!!


lol old but funny # ;D
# # # # # # # # # # # phil ;D

[imported_admin]

Thanks for the laughs.

Please be aware though that people of all ages read the chat boards. I have had to remove a few jokes as they either cross the boundries or are very boarder line and may offend some poeple.

[mick]

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should
have been fitted with an etag and should pay the same toll
as all other road users.

STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same
opportunities to cross roads as chickens living in Melbourne.

JOHN HOWARD: The chick never crossed the road. And it
was not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a
matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The united
nations should butt out.

KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the
road. This is a deliberate act by the government to hide the
fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads.

NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken
but a bantam? Minority sectors of our community shouldn't
be discriminated against based purely on the size of their
legs.

EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to
reconciliation with Indigenous chickens.

PETER COSTELLO: Accordingly to documentation submitted
to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question
was uncooked at the Time of its journey and therefore will not
incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed
the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the
road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for
which GST will be imposed.

PAULINE HANSON: Please explain.

JOH BJELKE-PETERSEN: It was a Queensland Free Range chicken and has the
right to cross roads. In fact I was feeding the chooks at the time it
crossed, it was a long way down the track, but Flo saw it too.
Anyhow, it doesn't concern you.
Don't you worry about that!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that
road? Is that what you're telling me?

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens,
be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed and that was
good enough for us.

REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what they call
it:- the 'other side', Yes, my friends.

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has
gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's
true?

HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get
to the other side?

FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
How do you feel about your mother?

THE C.I.A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the
chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by chicken? Could you define the word
'chicken'.

[mick]

another chicken joke

[Lucky_Phill]

Why Fishing is better than sex:
1. You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
2. It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing in your Whaler, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
5. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
6. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
7. When you see a really good Fisher person, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing in a Whaler together.
8. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
10. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
11. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
12. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
13. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
14. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
15. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
16. Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

Hope these didn't cross the border Steve ? ;D ;D ;D

[jaybee]

There was a young lady who was totally exhausted
from a week's worth of work. Finally, it was time
for her to end her work day and go home.

As she entered the elevator, she sighed a triumphant,
"T-G-I-F...," and began to relish the thought of
going home and relaxing the weekend away.


It so happened that there was a man on the elevator
with her and heard her jubilant exclamation.

His reply to her was, "S-H-I-T."

Now the woman was not sure if she heard the man
correctly and she was determined not to let this man
ruin her beautiful weekend she had ahead of her,
so again she stated more strongly, "T-G-I-F!" and
glared at the man, daring him to repeat his obscenity.

The man made eye contact and stated matter-of-factly, "S-H-I-T."

This infuriated the young woman, so with hands on her
hips she stated, "How dare you use profane language
like that in front of a lady! I was saying, T-G-I-F...

'Thank Goodness it's Friday.' What is wrong with you!?"

The man was amused at her outrage
and with a smirk on his face replied,

"S-H-I-T. 'Sorry, Honey... it's THURSDAY!"

and with that walked off the
elevator with a spunky step. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Fitzy]

On a tour of Queensland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the northern coast near Noosa on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the
surf, a hapless man wearing a NSWRL football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Maroon football tops roared into
view from around the point.
Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the New South Welshman the water and then, using long clubs, beat the
shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said:
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Queensland & New South Wales, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of interstate harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others: 'Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom".
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nothing at all about shark hunting, how's that bait holding up? Do we need to get another one?"

[jaybee]

;D Fitzy u r one sick puppie..but hey I still laughed my guts out.. :P :P

[griz066]

What did the blonde say when she walked into the bar?







Ouch!!

[Beggsy]

Some strange signs................

[Beggsy]

More strange signs........

[Beggsy]

Interesting Church signs.......

[Beggsy]

and finally..............

[filkore]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off
the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

[Vern_Veitch]

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, Like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle- aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[mick]

i bloody spilt viagra on my camera.

now the lense wont go back in

[Vern_Veitch]

i bloody spilt viagra on my camera.

now the lense wont go back in
Didn't think your camera looked that old Mick.
Are you sure it is not just puppy fat?
Vern

[Maxg]

Ref Why did the chicken etc etc etc.

Max Garth

because one of it's legs was both the same.

To get to the other side you bunch of ningnongs, its a bloody chicken, why the hell would it want to cross a bloody road if it didn't want to get to the other side.
Max

[Nugget]

Indecision is the key to flexibility

History repeats itself anyway - plagarism saves time.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably hasn't understood the seriousness of the situation.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.

Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

If at first you don't succeed - try management.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Doing a Job Right the first time gets the job done - Doing it wrong fourteen times gives you job security.

Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

The beatings will continue untill morale improves...

Never Underestimate the power of very stupid people in large numbers.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

[Fitzy]

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% ? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100% ?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L $ H 1 T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull$h1t will put you over the top.
And look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

[Harrya]

Hay that's right ,
I know of a guy in Canberra Who gets a 118% #http://www.ausfish.com.au/chat/images/smilies/cwm3.gif

[Nugget]

The things you'd really like to say...

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you see it my way.

I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

It sounds like English but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

This isn't an office. This is hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done!