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DaneCross
08-07-2004, 06:56 AM
True Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys' night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom.........

And asking:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" ;D ;D

MTpockets
08-07-2004, 07:40 AM
A man moved to a new house. He thought he would get to know the locals and went to the pub near his home. He went in and sat at a stool and asked for a drink. In front of him was a jar of 10 cent coins, with a sign saying correct guess wins you the jar!!!
After about 10 beers he told the barman he was on his way home and the barman said seeing he was such a good customer he could have a free guess at the jar. The man had been thinking about an amount all night and replied with 206 dollars. The barman stood amazed and said, THAT"S CORRECT !!
How did you know how much was in there? The man said just a lucky guess, grabbed his jar of coins and staggered out and walked home.
As he walked up the front stairs of his house he tripped and the jar crashed to the patio and scattered the 2006 coins all over the place. He decided he would pick it up in the morning. He crept into the bedroom and without waking his wife went to sleep. Early next morning his wife came in all excited to wake him up yelling JOHN,JOHN..... You wont guess whats all over our patio?.... John opens his eyes and says calmly, Yeah I know..... 206 dollars in 10 cent coins......
NO!! she said.....
There is 200 liters of MILK !!!!

reelcrazy
08-07-2004, 07:54 AM
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an infamous underworld figure who went by the name of Artie.

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The husband opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the Fruit and Veg Department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Fruit and Veg department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's Security Guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:-

[You're going to hate me for this]




















"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT LOCAL SUPERMARKET"

Wello_Pete
08-07-2004, 08:02 AM
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around The room as sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, Eating.
Marty asks," Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave Yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

zedjack33
08-07-2004, 08:13 AM
All very amusing Guys ;D ;D ;D ;D;D

Kerry
08-07-2004, 09:40 AM
A worldwide survey was recently conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant ;)

Brenno
08-07-2004, 11:36 AM
keep em comeing.

el_carpo
08-07-2004, 05:33 PM
I was just browsing my local fishing site and saw these. I thought you may like them so I copied them. It's called "Snappy answers."

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family! . She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

Snappy Answer #5
(THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR) A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-butt guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand.

BONUS Snappy Answer

A girl was visiting her ! blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"

MTpockets
08-07-2004, 05:50 PM
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"


LMFAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

baldyhead
08-07-2004, 08:31 PM
Little Johnny's next-door neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before goin to the neighbours.
He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to slap your arse when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at the baby's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replied, "Why, yes.... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said,
"Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if he needed to
wear glasses!"

Nugget
09-07-2004, 12:13 AM
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

blaze
09-07-2004, 01:04 AM
couldnt remember a joke told to me 10 minutes ago, and couldnt tell a joke if my life depended on it, but it sure puts a smile on my dial reading them
keep em coming
cheers
blaze

Commodore
09-07-2004, 08:39 AM
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there,
If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after
me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for
our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds,"It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word. After few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
That you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.

DaneCross
09-07-2004, 09:21 AM
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again"

MTpockets
10-07-2004, 04:49 AM
Theres a young fella walking along Bondi beach and see's something shiny in the sand. In the sand was a lamp. He picks it up and POOF!! out comes a Genie. The Genie thanks him for releasing him from the bottle and offers the man one wish. The man asks why not 3 like all other Genie's. The Genie replies that due to the length of time in the bottle his powers were failing so one more wish could be all he has left.

The Genie tells him not to bother with stuff like a million dollars cos thats impossible, and stuff like all the gold in the world, cos its also impossible. He says make a wish for something constructive.

The man thinks long and hard and finally comes up with the perfect wish. Genie I wish for a bridge to span from here over the ocean to Auckland. You see my family are all living in Auckland, and I have a fear of flying and a fear of boats. The Genies shakes his head and says thats impossible as well. Just think of all the concrete, steel, electrical cables, bitumen, lights, road signs and pylons. No sorry, that is impossible as well, make another wish.

Again the man thinks long and hard and eventually makes a wish .....
I want to be able to understand women. The Genie thinks long and hard and replys with.........

Did you want 2 or 4 lanes on your bridge? ;D ;D

where_is_dave
10-07-2004, 05:17 AM
LMAO Good work guys

Hookem_Herby
10-07-2004, 05:20 AM
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious" :-X

boof
10-07-2004, 05:42 AM
Thought for the day

zedjack33
10-07-2004, 05:46 AM
An elderly man went to the doctor’s office to have a sperm count done. When the doctor called him in to the office and asked the man how he could help, he replied that he would like to have his sperm count checked. The doctor asked if he was planning another family, and the old guy says, "No, I am 73 and my wife is 67, I just want a sperm count done." So the doctor gives the man a vial and tells him to take it home and when he gets a sample, to bring it in to the office. So the next day, the doctor sees the same man in the waiting room, and calls him in to the office. "Do you have a sample for me already?” the doctor asks. "No I don’t", replies the old man. "I tried with my left hand, and nothing, then I tried my right hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife to help and she used her left hand, her right hand, nothing worked. She even took out her teeth and used her gums. We just couldn’t get the lid off the bottle. ;D

Beggsy
10-07-2004, 07:34 AM
A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to
take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.
While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to
Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in
Israel for US$500.
The man says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure?
That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Beggsy
10-07-2004, 07:40 AM
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there For TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother
heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR
delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Beggsy
10-07-2004, 07:42 AM
An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would
somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to
his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a
ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
he voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."
"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.
John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I
have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a
while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much

all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next
day it starts all over again."
"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"
"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo."

jimbamb
11-07-2004, 09:19 AM
A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance,if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating,she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire,with scissors shoved deeply into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his rear end.
Further studies are expected

SCOTTYGC
11-07-2004, 09:59 AM
A man comes home from work on a friday sits in his favorite chair and says to his wife "get me a beer before it all starts will ya"so with a puzzeled look on her face say gets him a beer. The guy finishes his beer and says "get me a beer before it all starts will ya"she gets him another beer and goes back to preparing dinner . The guy finishes his second beer and yell agian"get me a beer before it all starts will ya" The wife has had enough and comes and in yelling and curseing at him ÿou have done nothing since you got home, The guy turns to her and says "looks like its started" ;D

MTpockets
11-07-2004, 11:10 AM
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

MTpockets
11-07-2004, 11:12 AM
Interstate Relations

Four guys are driving cross-country together, one from South Australia, one from Tassie, one from Queensland, and the last one is from Victoria.
A bit down the road the Tasmanian starts to pull apples from his bag and throws them out the window. The South Australian turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Tasmanian says, "Mate, we have so many of these damned things in Tassie they're lying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the South Australian begins pulling bottles of wine from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The Queenslander asks "What are you doing that for?"
The South Australian replies, "Man, we have so much of this damn stuff in South Australia I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the Queenslander opens the car door and pushes out the Victorian.

NB - Before the state rivalry comes out just have a good laugh, change the states (or nationalities) and send it on to your frineds and wait for the laughter to duplicate.

GES
11-07-2004, 05:41 PM
A fishermans story.


Paddy and Colin, 2 Irishmen, were walking along the street towards the outskirts of their town in Ireland.
They noticed 2 of their friends, Sean and Brian, walking towards them from the direction of the river and they each had a large salmon under their arms.
Paddy says to the fishermen "Well now, look at that. Where'd ye get the fish from?"
Sean says " The river's full of 'em at this toim of the year Paddy. They're moigratin upstream to spawn. Arl ya got te do is hang over the bridge and grab 'em as they come past."
So, off Paddy and Colin go to catch a salmon.
Colin grabed Paddy by the legs and hung him over the bridge. He hung there for ages, then suddenly he started to squirm and yelled out "PULL ME UP COLIN, PULL ME UP!!"
Colin excitedly says "Have ye got a fish Paddy, have ye got a fish??"
"NO.... THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMIN'!!!"



GES

sir_noelus
12-07-2004, 01:16 AM
You prob heard it B4. Two guys were fishing in their boat near a bridge. There a couple of hours, caught a couple, when a funeral procession crossed the bridge. Joe put his beer on the seat and silently stood. He removed his hat, placed his hand over his heart and waited till it had passed. Bob said "Hell mate, I didn't know anyone could be that affected by a simple funeral procession". Joe replied "It's the least I could do, We were married for thirty two years".

sir_noelus
12-07-2004, 01:26 AM
Little four year old Dave came home from Kinder. His Mum asked how his day went. Dave says "We had a beaut farm visit today. We saw cats, dogs, sheep, lambs, cows and a paddock full of ####ers. Mum was devastated but keeping her cool said "That's lovely Dave, I know all about the cats, dogs, sheep and things, but what are these '####ers"? "Miss Edwards called them 'heifers', but we all knew what she meant" replied Dave.

jeffo
12-07-2004, 02:03 AM
that last joke wouldnt be courtesy of billy conolly would it ;D

Zeeke
12-07-2004, 05:21 PM
What did the elephant say to the naked man? - It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

baldyhead
12-07-2004, 05:28 PM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing.
"What do they say?" the priest inquired ?
They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to
have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he
thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to
your problem.
I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught
to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots
over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Bob.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very
well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to
the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two
male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and
praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in the cage.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the f******
beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

where_is_dave
13-07-2004, 05:23 AM
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

DaneCross
13-07-2004, 07:49 AM
Oldie but a goodie...
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring at him.
The young man finally said, "What's the matter Old Timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and f***** a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

DaneCross
14-07-2004, 09:03 AM
The Hitchhiker

This story happened about a month ago, in a little town in Victoria (Australia), and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road near Terang, hitchhiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy,without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other. "Look Bill, there's the 'w @ n k e r' that got in the car when we were pushing it!!!"

MTpockets
14-07-2004, 09:08 AM
;D

Brenno
14-07-2004, 11:51 AM
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to
the doctor, he says, " How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your ##### in a splint to let it heal and
keep it straight. It should be okay next week."


So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon
night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first,
no one has ever touched these breasts."

she then takes off her panties and says you'll be the first to touch me here.

with that the husband whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Rosso
14-07-2004, 04:41 PM
This one comes from Mr Kilkenny...



A businessman is driving out of Glasgow one Friday evening along M8.

He runs into a traffic jam but after about ten minutes sitting
still, he's beginning to think 'hey, this is worse than usual'. He
sees a policeman wandering between the lines of cars, so winds down his window and calls him over to ask what's going on ahead.

'It's a Rangers fan,' says the policeman. 'He's feeling really
depressed because his team failed to dae anythin this season after all the mouthing off he's been doing since last year. He also says that he's got no friends, all his family hate him, he lives in Easterhouse and he's never had a job.

He's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire in the middle of the road. I've had a long chat with him, and now I'm taking up a collection for him.'

The businessman is impressed. 'Wow, that's really good of you,' he says. How much have you collected for him so far?' 'Well,' says the policeman, 'About 20 gallons so far, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

baldyhead
14-07-2004, 05:13 PM
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Tasmanian mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The Victorian mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the NSW mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The NSW mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses on the bar, turns to the Victorian mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can take, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz for the rest of the day." They both turn to the Queensland mouse.

The Queensland mouse finished the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the other two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Gotta go home and f##k the cat."

boof
14-07-2004, 05:38 PM
??? ???10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was.…..God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

sir_noelus
15-07-2004, 01:02 AM
Michael and Patrick, walking past the employment office saw a sign. WORK AVAILABLE--TREE FELLERS WANTED Said Patrick, "If Saun had come with us we could have got that job".

sir_noelus
15-07-2004, 01:05 AM
Could be Jeffo, I don't know.

zedjack33
15-07-2004, 05:17 AM
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.

zedjack33
15-07-2004, 05:29 AM
Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her”
Dad: That happens in every country, son

Zeeke
15-07-2004, 05:47 PM
A couple of fishing buddys play a joke on there mate

sir_noelus
16-07-2004, 01:52 AM
WHAT WILL THEY CALL BOB THE BUILBER AFTER HE RETIRES?

sir_noelus
16-07-2004, 01:53 AM
BOB!

MTpockets
16-07-2004, 01:54 AM
hehehe

zedjack33
16-07-2004, 03:04 AM
TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS

Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (120 +/ - 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neuralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell

drb
16-07-2004, 03:16 AM
Little Mary and little Johnny sit down at the breakfast table on a saturday morning and their mother asks "What would you like for breakfast" Little Johnny replies F**cken corn flakes.
Well as expected his mother blows her top, gives johnny a backhander and sends him off to his room to be grounded for the day.
After she cools down a little she turns to Little Mary and says, "Now what would you like for breakfast?"

Little Mary replies "Well not f**cken cor flakes thats for sure!"

zedjack33
16-07-2004, 03:50 AM
;D ;D ;D Nice one DazB

zedjack33
16-07-2004, 07:51 AM
A Cannibal father and Son were walking through the jungle when they saw a pretty, but naked blond run by. The Son said to the dad "Let's track her down, kill and eat her". The Dad said back "No, let's track her down and take her home and kill your Mother"..

magicpudding
16-07-2004, 04:33 PM
a carry on from zedjack33

zedjack33
17-07-2004, 03:05 AM
Confucius said...Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates ...... It's more like a jar of
Jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow."

Love is blind and marriage is an eye opener.

Confucius say: Woman who go out on boat with seven fisherman come home with one red snapper.

zedjack33
17-07-2004, 04:33 AM
A strange bird the coo-coo
it sits upon the grass
its wings neatly folded
its beak is up its ass
In this strange position it mur murs twit twit
cuz it’s hard to sing coo-coo
with a beak full of shit!

Maria
17-07-2004, 04:57 AM
Ten of the ugliest people in the world are all riding on a bus somewhere, when the bus crashes, and they all die. They go to heaven, and on arrival, they are greeted by God himself.

"As a reward for living your life so ugly," God says, "I will grant you each one wish."

The first person in line wishes to be beautiful, the second person wishes the same thing, as does the third, fourth and so on. When it comes to be the last person in line's turn, God see's him just laughing his ass off.

"What is so funny my son?" asks God.

The man does not reply, so God just asks for his wish.

"I wish, that all those people are ugly again." replies the man.

Maria
17-07-2004, 04:57 AM
There's this forrest, and a magical turtle lives in it. One day he sees a bear chasing a rabbit so he stops them and tells them that they can each have 3 wishes.

For his 1st wish the bear says that he wishes all the bears in this forrest were female except for him. Done.

The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle." The turtle and bear are a bit confused, but the wish is granted anyways.

For his 2nd wish the bear says "I wish that all the bears in the neighbouring forrests were female except for me." Done.

The rabbit wishes for a helmet.

For his 3rd wish the bear says "I wish that all the bears in the whole world were female except for me." Done.

The rabbit says "I wish that the bear was gay." And he jumps on his motorcycle and rides away.

zedjack33
17-07-2004, 06:32 AM
A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

agnes_jack
17-07-2004, 10:46 AM
Zedjack
;D ;D ;D ;D

reelcrazy
18-07-2004, 02:28 AM
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

aido
18-07-2004, 02:20 PM
a guy turns the office computer on and is greeted
with the msg # 'your password has expired'
# # # # # # # # # # # 'please enter a new one'

the guy types in #'p e n i s' with a smile on his face

the computer displays the msg # 'your password is not long enough'
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # 'please enter another password'

;D ;D ;D

Maria
19-07-2004, 06:01 PM
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try" she said, "but only if you'll promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"

Ben ;D

jaybee
27-07-2004, 06:15 PM
Deep Thoughts............

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If a pit bull humps your leg you’d better fake an orgasm.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a twat.

Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.

The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.

How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Guns don't kill people - Husbands who come home early kill people.

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

el_carpo
27-07-2004, 06:31 PM
;D Those were great Jaybee! Thanks for posting that! ;D

zedjack33
28-07-2004, 03:02 AM
There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely
beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically
trying to climb up.
While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says,
"God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless
you both," and then kept on walking.
One bloke looks at the other, "Who the f*#k was that?" "Oh," said the
other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."
The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows f*#k
all about shark fishing."

wacco_fozzy
28-07-2004, 03:43 PM
A bloke at a beachside resort, wearing only budgie smugglers, manages to fall asleep under the shade of a couple of beach umbrellas.

Unfortunately the sun moves around a bit while he is asleep and he wakes to find that, apart from the bit protected by his togs, his entire groin region is now a red, blistered mass of sunburn.

He staggers to the resort pharmacy and the assistant takes a look at him and returns with a bottle of pills, advising him to take one every 2 hours or so until the bottle is finished.

He looks at the bottle to find the pills are Viagra. "What's the go here?" he asks.

"Mate", says the pharmacist,"if nothing else it'll keep the sheets off you!"

GiddyUp
28-07-2004, 04:10 PM
Why did they call the womans problem PMS........Because mad cow disease was already taken ;D ;D

Maria
28-07-2004, 04:31 PM
Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter", he replied. He reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster?" "Vell", replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie". "You haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box", said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "Hey Dere! I'm a good friend of your master.Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said. So Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves Sven standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million bucks - not ducks!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do you really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?

zedjack33
29-07-2004, 03:03 AM
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me."

Dr_Dan
29-07-2004, 11:05 AM
Subject: spaghetti joke

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confidedn in him that she as pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Dr_Dan
29-07-2004, 11:06 AM
Naval Intelligence?

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US
Naval ship and the Canadian Coastguard, off the coast of Newfoundland,
October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations, 10-10-95.

COASTGUARD: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
a collision.

US NAVY: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

COASTGUARD: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South, to avoid a collision.

US NAVY: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.

COASTGUARD: Negative, I say again, you will have to divert your course.

US NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S. LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

COASTGUARD: We're a lighthouse. Your call.

Dr_Dan
29-07-2004, 11:07 AM
THIS IS PRICELESS...

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when a American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum
and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing the Australian replied "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the states?" The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away of course." Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

Dr_Dan
29-07-2004, 11:10 AM
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Dr_Dan
29-07-2004, 11:12 AM
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on
the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he
was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub,! yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Dr_Dan
29-07-2004, 11:19 AM
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my #####," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

hotsy
29-07-2004, 12:02 PM
An Irishman died and went up to the pearly gates and was met by St Peter.
"Before you can come in here you have to answer three questions. Because you are an Irishman I will give you the questions now and give you some time to go away and study up the answers.
The first question is - How many days of the week start with the letter "T"?

The second question is - you have to give me the christian
name of the swagman in the ballard, Waltzing Matilda."

Third question, the hardest, you how many seconds are there in a year?

Irishman, "Thanks, no worries I will come back with the answers soon."


Irishman came back a bit later, "St Peter I have all the answers.

St Peter, "Okay, how many days of the week start with the letter "T"
Irish "Thats easy, two, today and tomorrow.

St Peter; "Okay Ill give you that one, what is the answer to the second question - the christion name of the swagman?"

Irish - "Too easy, to be sure, it is Andy."
St Peter - "How did you work that out"
Irish - "Well when youi listen to the song they tell you his name; Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.

St Peter, getting frustrated - "Okay, I'll have to give you that one to, but I bet you cant tell me how many seconds there are in a year."
Irish- "It took me a bit of time to be sire, but I worked it out, the answer is twelve.
St Peter - "Twelve, how do you work that out?"

Irish - easy, 2nd of January, 2nd of February, 2nd of March............................................. .......................................
Irish - "Easy, 2nd of January, 2nd of Febr

MulletMan
29-07-2004, 12:57 PM
Proud young Mum has her first baby and after the delivery awaits the Doctors first report on Bubs!
He says "Mary, we have one small problem but otherwise he is fine"
"Please Doctor tell me the worst. I am strong and will love him no matter what"
Doc says "He doesn't have any legs"
"OMG" says Mum. "..but thats OK, I will look after him and help him to walk in life. Is that all?"
"No" he says softly, "the poor little chap has no arms either"
"Oh no" Mum cries "But Doctor, it doesn't matter, I have so much love for him that it will see him through the hard times ahead"
The doc is obviously still shaken and adds "But the worst is still to come. Baby has no trunk. In fact there is just a single head!!!!"
"Oh dear God above" shrieks Mum "why oh why did it happen to my poor baby? But Doctor, I know we can get through this together. My love for him is so strong, nothing will stop me looking after him"
"That is truly admirable Mary" says the Doc, "I feel sure I can now tell you the second worst part in the confidence you can cope with it"
"What" shrieks Mary, "what the hell else could be wrong with my precious child? No arms, no legs, no body, just a head on the pillow!!"
"Mary, I want you to be very brave for I have to tell you that in fact you have given birth to just one ear! Thats it, nothing else"
"Oh cruel world, thjis is not possible" she sobs "what has my baby done to deserve only being an ear. My love alone will help him through what is going to be a sad and miserable life. Nothing else matters!"
Doctor says "Ah Mary, you are the brave one that is for sure. Now I can tell you the last wee problem we have with baby ear"
"No! No! No! How can life be so cruel. What is it now"
"Ah Mary, the poor wee chap is deaf!"

MulletMan
29-07-2004, 01:10 PM
Old drover staggers into the outback pub one cold, windy and rainy night. He orders a double rum from the bartender and settles down by the fire. The barman says "hey mate, bit of a bad night to leave your two dogs outside. Bring 'em in and let them stay by the fire"
The drover opens the door and yells out "Here Carver, here Ironmonger, inside boys...... come here!"
Both dogs come inside and gratefully relax by the fire. The barman says "you know, they are really weird names for a couple of cattle dogs. Carver and Ironmonger. Why do you call them that?"
"OK, I'll show you if you like. Come here Carver. Sit Boy sit!"
The old drover takes a huge piece of ironbark timber from beside the fireplace and throws it to Carver.
"Here boy, kangaroo, kangaaroo!"
Carver attacks the wood and chunks of timber and splinters go everywhere. Everybody is truly amazed when out of this Carver produces a first class wooden statue of a kangaroo!
"Man, that is unbelieveable" say the barman "If he can do that then what does Ironmonger do?"
"Just watch mate" says the drover heading off to the fire and pulling a red hot poker from the fire.
He bends over the sleeping Ironmonger, lifts his tails and prepares to shove the poker up the dogs A**se.
"God in heaven mate, don't do that please!" says the barman "do you know what will happen if you do?"
"Sure do son" says the drover. "He'll either make a bolt for the door or a spring for yer balls!"

MulletMan
29-07-2004, 02:01 PM
Lovely old dear in the health ward of the local hospital........ walking up and down all the beds wearing her old dressing gown! As she passes each bed she stops, rips her gown open and yells out "SUPER SEX! SUPER SEX" COME AND GET IT"
This goes on every day till one time she stops besides a seriously old gent and does the same show.
"SUPER SEX! SUPER SEX! COME AND GET IT"
Old guy looks her body up and down a few times and quietly say, "Think I'll take the soup thanks love!"

Maria
29-07-2004, 02:42 PM
This guy walks outside to get a newspaper when all of a sudden he sees a great big ape on his roof. at first he doesn't know what to do but after a while he decides to get the phone book out and call the nearest animal shelter. a half an hour passes and the animal shelter sent one of their men down which finally shows up in his truck.

In the back he has his dog, a ladder, a big long stick, a gun, and a pair of handcuffs. the man brings all of this stuff out of his truck and the man with the ape on his roof asks, "what is all this stuff for?" the man replied, "i'm going to climb up the ladder onto the roof. i'm going to swing the stick at the ape knock him off the roof, where my dof is trained to bite it in the nuts, and thats where you handcuff the ape." then man thinks about what he just heard and asks the man, "Well, what do we do with the gun?" the other man replies, "just in case the ape knocks me off the roof, shoot my dog."

zedjack33
30-07-2004, 03:17 AM
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the
body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were
sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him
over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he
brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer
took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real
bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a......."

"What? He had two #######s! said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a........ Every
time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two a.........”

Dr_Dan
30-07-2004, 04:49 AM
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
f*%#ing Goofy."

Justme
30-07-2004, 02:24 PM
Four young bulls were boasting of their plans for the future.
"I'm going to Rome to become a papal bull," said one.
"I'm going to be a stock market bull,' said another.
"I want to be a bull in a china shop ," said the third.
"Well I'm not going anywhere," said the fourth.
"I shall stay here for heifer and heifer and heifer."

jaybee
30-07-2004, 08:03 PM
Some of these jokes are what got the last joke page deleted, be kind guys, jokes can be funny without being foul.
cheers
Joe

zedjack33
31-07-2004, 02:57 AM
A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “shall we go home, Mother of Six?” His wife irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back, “anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

Drop_Bear
31-07-2004, 07:59 AM
What did the Number 0 say to the Number 8?






Nice Belt.


Well the kids like it.

zedjack33
31-07-2004, 09:00 AM
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

imported_admin
31-07-2004, 09:29 AM
Dyslexic atheists believe there is no DOG

Zeeke
31-07-2004, 02:49 PM
Advertising.... Only in America!!!

baldyhead
01-08-2004, 12:02 PM
>A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
>million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational
>benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, because it was assumed
>that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to
>testify about in court.
>
>When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10
>million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
>
>The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
>embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper
>where the $10 million is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know
>what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he
>doesn't know what you're talking about" That's when the Godfather pulls out
>a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask
>him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if
>you don't tell him!"
>
>The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
>buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The
>Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies:
>"He says he doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger!"

philip_thomson
01-08-2004, 01:02 PM
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in Australia......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
4. Only in Australia......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning creatures'.
5. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
6. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

philip_thomson
01-08-2004, 01:04 PM
EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

philip_thomson
01-08-2004, 01:08 PM
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." now,somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

Dirty_Mole
01-08-2004, 01:24 PM
on a friends school bag it says on the label on the back . "if Swallowed,Seek Medical Advice". I mean how the hell are you supposed tho swallow a backpack.

Sam

philip_thomson
01-08-2004, 02:01 PM
hah that is so funny. i think you should get a picture of that and post it. i saw on a kids bib food catchy thingy warning the bag is not a toy ??? man some kids must be deprived of quality toys

woody74
01-08-2004, 03:54 PM
Allright, there was this old bushy, and he was in the big smoke one day and he got this bad toothache. He went to dentist to see what was wrong. The dentist said " Mate, got to pull one of your wisdom teeth, I'll just get some anesthetic. Old bushy replied, Narr don't worry about that stuff, just pull the bloody thing out. The dentist replied, it will hurt. The old bushy said, I've only felt pain twice in my life mate, just pull it out. So the dentist did. After alot of straining and so-on the tooth was pulled, without the old bushy batting an eyelid. The dentist was stunned, that had to of hurt. Narr replied the bushy , only felt pain twice in my life I told ya. When was the first time? Well I was out bush about fifteen years ago mustering some wild cattle. And I needed to have a crap. So I found a nice tree and squatted down to do my buisness and BANG, got my balls stuck in a rabbit trap. Holy Shit, replied the dentist. That would of hurt. When was the second time? The bushy replied" About five seconds later, when I ran out of chain! [smiley=smartass.gif]

blaze
01-08-2004, 04:21 PM
RAFLMAO

ba229
01-08-2004, 05:26 PM
what do you get if you cross a mafia hitman with a philosophist?

An offer you can't understand

Dirty_Mole
02-08-2004, 04:27 AM
yeah i'll try and get a photo of that bag and post it.

sam

cHiCo
02-08-2004, 10:10 AM
Yep ive seen the if swallowed......school bag, one of my friends sister had one, i think she was going to send it to rove.

zedjack33
04-08-2004, 05:18 AM
The River
Three women were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first
woman prayed,"God,please give me the strength to cross the river."
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second woman prayed, "God, please give me
strength 'and the tools' to cross the river."
Poof! God gave her a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and she
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two women, the third woman prayed,
"God, please give me the strength, the tools 'and the intelligence'
to cross the river." Poof! She was turned into a man. He checked the
map, hiked one hundred yards up stream, and walked across the bridge.

Dug
04-08-2004, 02:28 PM
Visual :D

DaneCross
05-08-2004, 11:01 AM
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles.

The next day she became his stepmother.

baldyhead
06-08-2004, 04:35 PM
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of
them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of
project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a
pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her
mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to
start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all
last week with a construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied... "I will if those useless c**** at Bunnings
ever bring us the f****** gyprock".

MTpockets
07-08-2004, 06:55 AM
A guy was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the guy, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The guy replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of baloney! Fish can't do that!"

The guy looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

The game warden was curious now. "Ok. I've GOT to see this!"

The guy poured the fish in to the river and stood by and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the guy and said, "Well?"…

"Well, What?" the guy responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted...

"Call who back?" The guy asked.

"The FISH!!"…

"What fish?" The guy asked.

DaneCross
07-08-2004, 02:29 PM
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

DR
12-08-2004, 07:27 AM
While walking down the street one day a Federal Politician
is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you
settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose were to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in
heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit
heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp
and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The politician reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the door of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday
we were campaigning......
Today you voted

zedjack33
12-08-2004, 08:21 AM
True meanings

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
#######.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

adriancorrea
12-08-2004, 04:49 PM
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their shopping trolleys
collide. The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for
my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going." The second guy
says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a
little desperate." The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you. What does
your wife look like?" The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair,
wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your
wife look like?" To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for
yours."

adriancorrea
12-08-2004, 04:50 PM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.She was afraid she might have something wrong with her.She decided to seek the advice of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room,
Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all you crose.
The woman did as she was told.
Now, get down and craw reery ,reery fass to odder side of room.
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said " OK. now craw reery, reery fass back to me.
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said Your probrem vely bad.
You haf Ed Zachery Disease. Worse case i ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates. "
Worried, the woman asked anxiously.
" Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease ?."
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and said, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."

adriancorrea
12-08-2004, 05:05 PM
ANSWERING MACHINE AT MENTAL HOSPITAL >


Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.....
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call,
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic -depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't pres any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

reelcrazy
12-08-2004, 05:19 PM
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman

- Two French men and one French woman

- Two German men and one German woman

- Two Greek men and one Greek woman

- Two English men and one English woman

- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

- Two Irish men and one Irish woman

- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman

- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois

- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman

- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

- The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island

- The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions

- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquorstore/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store

- The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun

- The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping

zedjack33
13-08-2004, 03:18 AM
Useful one-liners :P


Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet !!
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you
:-/ :-/ :-/ :-/ :-/

littlejim
13-08-2004, 12:56 PM
Not a joke but should demonstrate to tourists what a friendly mob Aussies are.

On a trip up to Sydney on the Princes highway saw some body had modified the roadsign from:

'How Fast Are You Going Now?' to
'How Are You Goin ?'

scatter1
17-08-2004, 07:46 AM
a south sydney supporter dies and goes to hell. the devil says "suffer in the extreme heat of hell's furnace!" but the man looks comfortable. "reminds me of a nice summer day at the rabbitoh's game." "oh yeah?" says the devil. with a sweep of his hand the chamber becomes twice as hot. "lovely," says the man "feels like a scorcher at Bondi, one of my favourite things!" "then take this!" screams the enraged devil, and the entire place is suddenly covered in ice and snow. the man leaps to his feet sporting the biggest grin you have ever seen. "this is fantastic!" he cries. "what?" tells the devil. the man turns to him "hell's frozen over, the rabbitohs have won the premiership!"

scatter1
17-08-2004, 07:48 AM
alternate word meanings

pokemon - a jamaican proctologist
inuendo - an italian suppository

wacco_fozzy
17-08-2004, 09:34 AM
A salesman is pressing a farmer about the finer points of his new combine when he suddenly notices one of the roosters in the farmer's yard.

The rooster is wearing a shirt, and pants with suspenders. It's all he can do to not gasp.


"What the hell is that all about?" he asks the farmer.

"A year or two ago, we had a fire in the chicken coop," the farmer explains. "That rooster stayed in there until all the hens could get out, and he ended up with all his feathers burned off. Well, the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"That's amazing," the salesman said. "But you have to admit, it looks kinda funny."

"That ain't nothin'," the farmer says. "You should see him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

fishy_phil
17-08-2004, 02:21 PM
gday
ever wonder what the spanish call a mitsubishi pajero???

it sure as hell aint 'pajero'.

in spanish 'pajero' means ######... :-X
just think of it you walk into a car dealer and say excuse me can i see the ######??

i think there must be some sort of underlying message there. ;)
cheers
phil

Big_Kev
20-08-2004, 03:17 PM
Whats got 6 legs and goes around and around in circles in the padock?
A; A ram doing a ewie.

basserman
20-08-2004, 03:30 PM
One night, a torrential rain soaked south Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes in the area.


Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.


Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house, then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house.


It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs.Boudreaux, "Do you see that there baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, then back again?"


Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, that's my husbands. I told that jackass he's gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water."

PinHead
20-08-2004, 03:32 PM
What is a Shih Tzu?

See next post for answer

PinHead
20-08-2004, 03:33 PM
A zoo without any animals

zedjack33
21-08-2004, 03:14 AM
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.

Gorilla_in_Manila
21-08-2004, 08:02 AM
Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

basserman
22-08-2004, 04:45 PM
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts saying, "Honey, could fix the light in the hallway? It has been flickering for weeks now."


He looks at her, then says testily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have G.E. written on my forehead? I don't think so.


"Fine," says the wife. Then says, "Well then, could fix the fridge door? It won't close right."


"Fix the fridge door?" he responds. "Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."


"Fine," she says. "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."


"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he snaps irritably. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. In fact, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" he growls, then leaves without another word.


After drinking at the bar for a couple of hours, he begins to feel guilty about he treated his wife and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps to the front door have been fixed. He then notices that the hall light is no longer flickering. It, too, has been fixed. He goes to get a beer and notices the fridge door has also been fixed.


"Honey, he asked, "how did all this stuff get fixed?"


"Well, when you left I sat outside on the porch and cried," she said. "Just then a nice young man asked what was wrong, so I told him. He then offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do in return was either go to bed with him or bake a cake," she explained.


"So, what kind of cake did you bake?" asked her husband.


"Helloooo ...," she responded, "Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

cuda
23-08-2004, 02:45 PM
judgeing from you jokes basserman it looks like there is another website we both visit

basserman
25-08-2004, 10:49 AM
i know NOTHING ;)

reelcrazy
26-08-2004, 05:13 PM
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.

He asked the teller, "Why get less money than got last week?"

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said: " Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

SteveCan
27-08-2004, 11:57 AM
A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS. HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.

WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT! LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY. I LOVE YOU!!"

TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO!!"

zedjack33
02-09-2004, 03:16 AM
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so sit down for a mo?" he says. "That's really cool,” says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they may go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if she gets a chance!"
Well this made Bobby's eyes light up, and he immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father,"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!"

sir_noelus
03-09-2004, 01:06 AM
A bit long winded but what the heck. ****A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. From the name badge he can see her name is patricia Whack, so he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan, buy a boat and go on a long holiday". Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$60,000-00". The teller asks his name and he replies that his name is Freddo Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the manager. Patti explains that $60,000-00 is a substantial amount and that he would have to provide some collateral security. "That's OK , I have this" and he pulls from his pocket a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, only an inch long and complete in every detail.. Now very confused patti says "Excuse me but I will have toi speak to my manager", and dis appears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Freddo Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $60,000-00, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny rod and reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??" The manager looks calmly back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".

snappa
03-09-2004, 06:30 AM
global moderator

:P she is wearing a bikini ;D ;D

imported_admin
03-09-2004, 07:07 AM
global moderator

:P she is wearing a bikini ;D ;D

Post has been romoved. This is a family site, do not post pics such as that on the site. Thank you

agnes_jack
03-09-2004, 08:08 AM
Steve
Was mine too offensive as well ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

Tony ???

Justme
03-09-2004, 09:27 AM
A bloke goes into a bar and orders a dozen glasses of the most expensive scotch whiskey they have. When he gets them, he starts drinking them real fast.
The bartender, seeing this, asks:"Why are you drinking so fast?"
The bloke says:"You would too if you had what I have."
"Whats that?" the bartender asks.
"50c," said the man.

imported_admin
03-09-2004, 09:30 AM
Tony, it was borderline so I took it off at the same time. Don't want to have a kid ask his parents to explain a joke on the chat boards.

To ALL - Please all remember that anyone of any age has access to the chat boards. We do not want parents banning their children from visiting a fishing site simply because one or two people put up pictures or other info that is not appropriate.

agnes_jack
03-09-2004, 09:47 AM
Sorry Steve :'( :'( :'(

zedjack33
03-09-2004, 10:45 AM
I'm sorry also Steve [smiley=oops.gif] [smiley=stupid.gif] [smiley=angel.gif] [smiley=hammer.gif]

agnes_jack
03-09-2004, 11:04 AM
# # # # # # # #Tony :-X :-X :-X :-/

snappa
03-09-2004, 11:24 AM
steve
[smiley=oops.gif]
the joke was ok #you think
pic was a bit sus #:o i guess
never again
i should have know better

jaybee
03-09-2004, 08:02 PM
When you feel that nobody loves you,

Nobody cares for you,

And everyone is ignoring you,


You should start asking yourself...



wait for it!


Am I TOO sexy?

jaybee
03-09-2004, 08:05 PM
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a
good idea you had to replace the first four pews with plush bucket
theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first".
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And
you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people
back to church, so I suppose the rock 'n roll gospel choir you brought
in was another good idea. We are packed in to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased
that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too
far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions
have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot n' Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

jaybee
03-09-2004, 08:52 PM
Gee i think i said something about the way the jokes were going back on page 9, but you get that. :( damn sure i wouldnt want my 14 year old reading some of them, but then i can be a prude i'm told ::) we are all entitled to our opinions.

If you thought you were having problems, read on.

A little guy is sitting at the bar just, staring at his drink,
for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps
next to him, grabs his drink, and gulps it down in one swig. The
poor little guy starts crying "Come on man, I was just giving you
a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink.
I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of
my life," says the little guy between sobs." I can't do anything
right I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss
fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was
stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after
the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home
I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar
trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life,
and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

******HANGING BASKETS********

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a
see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a
fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern
times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother
is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She
explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and
that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweet. If you can show off
your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

jaybee
03-09-2004, 08:59 PM
True Story

What's in a name?


The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit of large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work, however. It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say:
"Picabo, ICU"

fishy_phil
04-09-2004, 04:04 PM
gday people
there are two queenslanders on a hunting holiday in canada sitting in their hotel room and they decided to go hunting bears. on their way to the game reserve there was a Y intersection that read 'BEAR LEFT' so they turned around and went back to the hotel!!!
cheers
phil

Black_Rat
04-09-2004, 06:17 PM
How do Kiwies find sheep in LONG grass ............????
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Delightful ! ;D ;D ;D ;D

imnotoriginal
05-09-2004, 01:54 PM
No, the answer is Maaaaaarvellous
Joel

babbs
06-09-2004, 03:50 PM
Bob has had Lorraine as his girlfreind for a long time. Then one day he meets a beautiful girl named Clearly and the attraction between them is instant. Bob feels he can't dump his long time girlfriend so does nothing about it. One fine weekend Bob took Lorraine fishing in his boat but she fell overboard and drowned. Next day Bob was heard singing. I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.

DR
07-09-2004, 07:41 AM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
engineering mid-term to a senior student.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,(gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year, that "... it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true.

Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.

basserman
07-09-2004, 11:26 AM
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely See
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman
in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have
sworn we just went through red light." After a few more minutes they came to
another intersection, the light Was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, But
was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous
and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She
turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that You ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned
to her and said, "Oh Crist! Am I driving?"

jaybee
07-09-2004, 12:13 PM
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during the Olympics that they would
like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a
lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I
once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,
and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that
nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of
the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just
said?"

basserman
08-09-2004, 12:15 PM
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.


The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.


The old farmer told him he had buried them.


"Lordy, were they ALL dead?" asked the sheriff.


The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians love to lie."


:D ;D :D

jaybee
08-09-2004, 02:38 PM
THE PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy? "Titanic" or "My Life -
The Bill Clinton Movie"

TITANIC VIDEO: $9. 99
CLINTON VIDEO: $9. 99

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her! Jewellery
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica is forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica. . . uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary . . . we can only imagine

“IN GOD WE TRUST"

DR
09-09-2004, 03:38 AM
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by, with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for?" asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted.

Cinderella had feelings inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I

wish you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.

Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,











"Bet you regret having me doctored now, don't you?

Gorilla_in_Manila
14-09-2004, 07:04 AM
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her".
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I would never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'You're not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes and then he came out with tears in his eyes crying, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes to be an assassin. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, except that it was to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "The gun was loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

reelcrazy
15-09-2004, 08:13 PM
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"

Black_Rat
16-09-2004, 03:15 AM
This is a CRACKER !! ;D
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NQCairns
18-09-2004, 11:31 AM
Guess this one might have been adapted from a home grown US joke, I like it.

Dear Mum & Dad,



I am well. Hope you are. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil the Army is

better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick

before the jobs are all gone.



I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed

until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekkie is make ya

bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no

calves to feed, no feed to stack-nothing.



Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to

see what ya doing.



Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or

possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the

city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' just like

walking to the windmill in the back paddock.



This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for

shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and

it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when

our bull got their cow pregnant before the Easter Show. Alls ya gotta do

is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of cake. You don't

even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to

steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you

reload.



Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz

they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and

Boori and Steve all at once like we do.



Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the

platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6

foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the

end.



I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word

gets around how good it is.







Your loving daughter,



Sally

NQCairns
21-09-2004, 10:58 AM
He He

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

>

>1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

>

>2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

>

>3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION

>

>SUPERHIGHWAY.

>

>4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

>

>5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

>

>6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY >INCONVENIENCED.

>

>7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

>

>8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

>

>9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

>

>10. She is not a S*** - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

>

>11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY

>

>SUPERIOR.

>

>12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE

>

>PROVIDER.

NQCairns
21-09-2004, 10:59 AM
Ummmmm... ;D

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

>

>1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE

>

>FACILITY.

>

>2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

>

>3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

>

>4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

>

>5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.

>

>6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY

>

>HORIZONTAL.

>

>7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL

>

>INVERSION.

>

>8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

>

>9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

>

>1 0 . He is not a ###### - He is an OWNER OPERATOR.

Fitzy
23-09-2004, 05:04 PM
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

marks2602
24-09-2004, 09:26 AM
> ON CARS
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
> She tells the mechanic it died.
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
> says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
> She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
>
> EXPOSURE
> A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
> breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,"Ma'am, are
> you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why
officer?"
> "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and
> says,
"OH
> MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
>
> FINAL EXAM
> The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists
> of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
> stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of
> inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing
> the coin, marking the > answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour
> she is > all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
> During the > last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering
> and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is
> going on. > "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
>
>
> THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOOOOO," answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs!"

littlejim
24-09-2004, 12:32 PM
from the mouth of babes.

yesterday while minding the 3.5yr old grandson my wife heard him say 'Jesus Christ' in reponse to something.
She asked him' what do you think that means James?' He replied 'I think it means the same as s**t'.

reelcrazy
29-09-2004, 11:23 PM
Life was good.

I had a lovely girlfriend, Amelia, and a good job.

I decided it was time I got married to my Amelia, so I proposed and she accepted.

My family were delighted and very supportive.

My friends encouraged me, as my girlfriend was a dream babe.

The only problem was likely to be my future mother-in-law.

She was a career woman, smart and intelligent, but most of all, a very beautiful and sexy lady.

Sometimes she flirted with me, which made me very uncomfortable.

One day she called me on the phone and asked if I would drop in to check out some of the wedding invitations with her.

When I arrived she was alone and spoke to me gently in a very sexy husky voice, saying. "Soon you will be married, but I have extremely strong feelings and desires for you. I find it hard to overcome them. So before you commit yourself in marriage to my daughter, please, will you make love to me just once."

What could I say? I was in total shock. But despite that she was making me aroused. I simply couldn't say a word.

She continued, "I'm off up to the bedroom, and if you want me, just come up. I am so ready for you to make love to me."

I watched the seductive movement of her beautiful body as she went away. I couldn't take my eyes off the tempting sight of her exposed curves as she disappeared up the stairs and gave me one last long come-to-bed look.

I stood there for a moment. I was very tempted.

I then turned around and quickly made for the front door. I opened it and stepped out of the house.

SHOCK HORROR....Her husband was standing outside with tears in his eyes. He hugged me and cried "We are so happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a more trustworthy or better gentleman for our daughter.

WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY ~ Son!

The Moral of the Story is:

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR

Black_Rat
01-10-2004, 07:06 AM
A Blonde GUY joke.....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage ! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

The Mexican opens his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again ! If I get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too."

The blonde opened his luch and said, "Bolonga again. If I get bolonga sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife....


"Hey, don't look at me" she said "he makes his own lunch."

Volvo
01-10-2004, 10:07 AM
:)Okay better get my two bobs worth here too lol..
This Sheila loved her vegy gardening ever so much and always plodding around growying things one of which her favourites were Tomatos :).
Poor lass had a problem trying to get her Tomatos to turn nice n Red though???..
Just couldnt succeed to get em real nice n Red ey..
One day she's takin a stroll around her neighbourhood n comes across an old Greek watering his Tomato Patch :o..
Big luciouse Tomato bushes everywhere full of nice big RED!! Tomatos..
"Crickey!! Mate,how'd you get your Tomato's to get so nice n Red" she asks..
Old Greek stops what he's doin,looks her up n down and replies
"Well love, coupla times a day i strip stark naked in front of my Tomatos and just stand there exposin meself ;)..They blush so much that they turn real nice n REd :)"...
So off she goes home to try the same thing herself...
Coupla days latere the old greek couldnt help himself and had to walk past her house see how she's getting on??..
There she was in the garden doin a bit of deweeding and he sticks his head over the fence n sez
"Well how'd ya go love get them Tomatos ta turn Red"..
G'day mate she sez, did what ya said.Coupla times a day i strip starkers in front of my vegy patch and show all ;D..
"Your Tommies turn red he asks"
"Nup!!! but ya oughta see the size of me Cucumbers" she replies..

Dug
01-10-2004, 04:57 PM
Q; why was the blond staring at the fruit juice bottle?

A; it said concentrate

SHANE
04-10-2004, 08:56 AM
The Phone Call

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They *&!?( for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.

Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrifiic.

Great!

Thanks.

Okay.

Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

SHANE
04-10-2004, 08:59 AM
........

polydriverjr
07-10-2004, 01:09 PM
When Im in a sober mood,
I worry, work and think,
When im in a drunken mood,
I gamble fight and drink,
But when all my moods are gone,
and the world has come to pass,
I wish to be buried upside down,
So the world may kiss my A##

el_carpo
07-10-2004, 06:01 PM
Old 1, but new if you haven't heard it yet:

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Becasue 7 8 9.

Rowdy_2002
04-11-2004, 05:45 AM
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard ands sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work; mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says.

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

reelcrazy
04-11-2004, 06:40 AM
IF you need a laugh then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

major-defect
04-11-2004, 06:44 AM
Here goes!3 blokes went fishing and camping for the weekend.They got afew fish that day and were sitting around the fire having fish sangers.Suddenly Bill starts choking he jumps up he's going blue in the face. Joe runs round behind and pulls Bills pants down then licks him on the bum.Bill gets such a shock he shoots the chunk of sanger out.Bill turns and says"gees thanks mate ya saved me life"and Joe said"aww thats nothin mate,that hindlick manouvre works every time.

imported_admin
09-11-2004, 07:31 AM
MICROSOFT GRANTED MORE PATENTS

The following was reported by The Onion -- "America's Finest News
Source" which can be accessed at http://theonion.com.

REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary
step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by
competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and
zero Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or
selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building
blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of
10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever
since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the
interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted
the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However,
changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices
of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek
compensation for the use of our numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer,
Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft
patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the
10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to
create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its
core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun
Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java
programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The
licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be
approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but
to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have
serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive
selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun
radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has
embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next
millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are
also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal
trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system.
Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining
that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.

"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are
legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives
are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a
symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls
written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular
notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi
explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original
mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a
signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness.
Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the
Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these
numbers."

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in
the world."

According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of
one and zero have yet to be realized.

"Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero,
Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics
and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers,
gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the
concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical
mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty
much everything."

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft
may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental
numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on
infinity and pi this week.

Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to
individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as
walking, stretching and smiling.

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday,
Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will,
ultimately, benefit all humankind.

"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes
of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise
of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most
powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the
millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."

NQCairns
10-11-2004, 04:11 PM
WARNING - NEW SCAM

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit
that this one is important. Please protect everyone you know by sending
this to your entire email list.








If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and
asks you to show him your bum, do NOT show him your bum. This is a scam
- he only wants to see your bum.




I wish I'd got this yesterday.
I feel so stupid and cheap.

bungie
10-11-2004, 05:50 PM
lol

roz
11-11-2004, 01:03 PM
Q: What do Barristers use for contraception?
A: Their personalities.
I do apologize to a couple of my family members for that joke.
Roz

Black_Rat
13-11-2004, 04:10 AM
I guess it's just indicative of the inventive nature of the Australian Mind!

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed down the search to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hrs, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name ?
After 24 hrs was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second from New Zealand, says my answer is, "there is no way to determine the answer with the information we have been given."
The third one from Australia says, "I'm not exaclty sure, but I have narrowed it down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Australian got the job. #;D

seafox
13-11-2004, 11:18 AM
Q: if you weigh a fish in a fish market where do you weigh a whale


A: in a whaleway station ;D ;D ;D

Dug
13-11-2004, 11:44 AM
If you weigh #a whale at #a whaleway station where would you weigh a pie?

Answer; somewhere over a rainbow.










You know the Judy Garland song from The Wizard of Oz
"Somewhere over a rainbow, weigh a pie"

MY-TopEnder
15-11-2004, 09:05 AM
Whats the best form of contraception??




a wedding ring.

Dug
15-11-2004, 05:29 PM
Whats the best form of contraception??


Telling really bad jokes always worked for me ;D ;D ;D

dasher
16-11-2004, 07:18 PM
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's arse, and then a
£10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
Another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

Wait for it............) (scroll down page .) ::) ;D



























"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand." ;D

dasher
16-11-2004, 07:25 PM
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again"

NQCairns
17-11-2004, 04:34 PM
: Alligator Shoes
>> >
>> >
>> >>A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted
>> a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
>> reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
>> >>
>> >> After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one
>> of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and
>> catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
>> >>
>> >> The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck
>> out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and
>> headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
>> >>
>> >> Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted
>> the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just
>> >> then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She
>> >> took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled
>> it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead
>> >> creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde
>> >> flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn
>> it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Dirty_Mole
18-11-2004, 03:35 AM
What Your Doctor Really Means...

What the Doctor Really Means When He Says...

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.


"Welllllll, what have we here..."

Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.


"We'll see."

First I have to check my malpractice insurance.


"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.


"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.


"How are we today?"

I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like crap.


"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what the heck it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.


"Everything seems to be normal."

I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.


"I'd like to run some more tests."

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one

cheers sam,

philip_thomson
18-11-2004, 09:50 AM
Q what did the monster say when the scientist cloned him?
A nothing, he was beside himself ::)

Q what did one wall say to the other wall?
A ill meet you at the corner ;D

Q what did 1 broom say to the other
A time to go sweep ???

philip_thomson
18-11-2004, 09:56 AM
one night a man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang.
he went out and answered the door, a police man asked him if he put in a missing persons thingyo about his aunt. the man said that yes he had.

the officer said of i have some bad news, some terrible news, some good news and some great news.

the man asked well give it to me in that order.

the officer said.

the bad news is, we found your aunt. the man askes "well whats the terrible news"?

the terrible news is, that she was on the bottom of the river with cement blocks tied to her limbs. the man askes "well that is terrible but whats the good news"?

the good news is, that when we pulled her out she had 7 big mud crabs attached to her the man askes "well that is good whats the great news"?

the officer said well the great news is we are pulling her out again tommorow ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Dug
18-11-2004, 02:19 PM
One of the staff left the shop today so I was reminded of the story of the slave galley plying the Aegean sea, many centuries ago.

A new comer is chained next to an old man on a slave galley.

The old man grasps his chest moans and drops dead over the oar.

The young newcomer timidly says " excuse me Mr Slave Master but I think this man is dead"

The slave master come down and checks "Yes He's dead" he roars and heaves the body over the side.

With that done he takes his whip and begins beating every slave in the boat, when he is finished all the slaves lie on their backs and urinate into the air, then every one resumes rowing.

The newcomer is stunned and shocked by the behavior but after a while get the courage to ask one of the older slaves "What just happened?"

The older slave replied "Oh, it's a tradition we have here, when ever anyone leaves the boat we have a whip round and a piss up!"

Dug
18-11-2004, 02:20 PM
what did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?








DAM!

philip_thomson
18-11-2004, 02:24 PM
roflmao ;D [smiley=2thumbsup.gif] at the fish one

NQCairns
19-11-2004, 12:53 PM
A friend of mine is looking for a good home for a puppy she found in a
park in West Footscray. It's likely that this dog has had a troubled
past, but it's a good dog. A photo is attached. Let me know if you think

anyone would be interested.

NQCairns
23-11-2004, 12:19 PM
Good looks catch the eye, but a good personality catches the heart;
you are blessed with both."













Don't be flattered,
this message was sent to me.
I just wanted you to read it... ;D ;D ;D

NQCairns
23-11-2004, 12:22 PM
Instructions on how to clean your toilet



1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.



2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.



4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".



6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,



The Dog

Dug
24-11-2004, 03:08 PM
Love it great shot looks like my Psycho bimbo bitch dog from hell

Luckily she just has a serious food scrap habit!

wacco_fozzy
27-11-2004, 09:53 AM
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist that she needs
some cyanide.

The pharmacist was startled at the request. "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?" he asked.

The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license and they'll throw us both in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen! Absolutely not! You can not have any cyanide!

So the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a private detective's
photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the photo very carefully and in a lowered voice
replied, "Oh. Why didn't you say you had a prescription?"

wacco_fozzy
27-11-2004, 10:14 AM
A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and suddenly saw there was a tree right in front of me! I swerved to the left and wouldn't you know it, there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was still another one, again right in front of me!"

Not smelling any telltale signs on her breath, the officer put another aspect of his training to work. He reached past her blonde head to her rear-view mirror and pulled off the item hanging from it. "Ma'am," he says patiently, "that was your air freshener."

wacco_fozzy
27-11-2004, 10:15 AM
A man is walking home one night when he spots a woman in the shadows.

"Quick fun just $20" she whispers seductively as he gets to her. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell? It's been awhile, he's running early, and it's only $20.

So he steps into the bushes with her and very soon, they're going at it. Suddenly a light flashes on them -- it's a cop. "What's going on here?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face."

Rowdy_2002
27-11-2004, 10:26 AM
A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.

The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom.

He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.

"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey,"
replied the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?", said the duck.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in andout of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!", said the duck in reply. So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had.

vortfu
01-12-2004, 10:15 AM
I knew this girl who had a mental breakdown because she was diagnosed with leprosy. She completely fell apart.

Dug
02-12-2004, 06:02 PM
Yuck and double Yuck. those last 2 were real bad




(Q) If single apes sleep in Apricots what do married apes sleep in?



(A) Pairs!

hotsy
09-12-2004, 04:47 AM
There were two blondes (of course) females putting up timber siding on a house. One had the nail bag and hammer and the second was holding the boards for nailing. Blonde 1 (B1) with the nail bag would pull a nail out of the bag, look at it and then either use it or throw it away. Blonde 2 (B2) said to B1 "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" B1 replied, "I check the nails when I pull them out of the bag and when I find one that been made backwards with the head on the wrong end I throw it away as it is no good!" B2 tells her firend, "You are very foolish, there is nothing wrong with those nails, they are for the other side of the house!!" [smiley=2thumbsup.gif] [smiley=2thumbsup.gif] [smiley=builder2.gif]

zedjack33
14-12-2004, 06:04 AM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he
told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been
there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

Cheers Zedjack33

cuda
14-12-2004, 03:43 PM
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."


The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up from her knitting she says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"


She smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"


The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."


"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket," the driver responds.


His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


(Wait for it ..... )







"Only when he's been drinking, officer."

Wezza
15-12-2004, 10:11 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the
bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats
everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball
and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue
ball he measures everything first!"

NQCairns
17-12-2004, 12:43 PM
FIRE FIGHTER

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when
he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet, and the wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter
says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer
and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to
the cat's testicles!

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."

subzero
18-12-2004, 01:01 PM
My missus just sent me this pic, cant understand why ??? or what she is implying, any suggestions ;D

Wezza
19-12-2004, 11:46 AM
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in
his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take
all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell
your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job,
sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his
job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las
Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to
Caesar's Palace."

He goes to Caesar's Palace.

The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."

He goes to the roulette table.

The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."

He puts all his money on RED 23.

The dealer spins the wheel.

It comes up BLACK 17.

The voice says "Shit!!"

SCOTTYGC
21-12-2004, 09:31 AM
A woman goes into Rebel sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's Twenty first Birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Rebel check-out Clerk is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod, fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $199.00.

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50 :o

agnes_jack
21-12-2004, 09:43 AM
Scotty

;D ;D ;D ;D

Tony ;D

NQCairns
22-12-2004, 05:40 PM
q

NQCairns
22-12-2004, 06:21 PM
a

NQCairns
22-12-2004, 06:25 PM
q

NQCairns
22-12-2004, 06:27 PM
w

NQCairns
22-12-2004, 06:30 PM
q

NQCairns
22-12-2004, 06:33 PM
t

NQCairns
22-12-2004, 06:36 PM
t

NQCairns
22-12-2004, 06:40 PM
g

NQCairns
22-12-2004, 06:45 PM
j

Dirty_Mole
23-12-2004, 04:46 AM
thats bloody hilarious how would ya feel though aye

imported_admin
23-12-2004, 05:23 AM
thats bloody hilarious how would ya feel though aye


Except that the last photo in the sequence is not real

bigbadwolf
23-12-2004, 11:06 AM
one day little johnny is playing outside when he stomps on some honey bees so his dad says thats it no more honey 4 a month 10 mins later he stomps on some butterflies so after a bit of thought his dad says thats it no more butter 4 a month just then they hear a scream and they both rush in to see his mother stomping on a cokcaroach so little johnny says 2 his dad do u wanna tell her or should i

zedjack33
08-01-2005, 06:48 AM
Gone Fishing

Four old timers were Fishin and one remarked how for
Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas
morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go
directly to the lake, meet his buddies and go fishing. His
buddies all chimed in and said, Let's do it! We'll make it
a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas
morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there
they are on the lake. The first guy says, "Boy this cost me
a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she
can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at
home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her
eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring
her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he
is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I
can't believe you all went to such expense for this
Fishin trip. I slapped my wife on the butt and said,
'Well babe, is it sex or Fishin?' and she said,
"Take a sweater..."

PG
08-01-2005, 07:20 AM
bigbadwolf...I heard a very similar version but Dad came downstairs and kicked the cat...Johnny turned to Mum and asked..."Are you gonna tell him or should I ?"

krtazy
08-01-2005, 04:27 PM
an elderly man was in hospital he was unfortunately blind and deaf. i old boy needed to severly do a number two so he rings the buzzer for the nurse to escort him to the toilet. after three buzzes and 2 near misses he decides that he has to find the toilet himself so he starts to wander down the hall in search of the toilet. He goes into a couple of rooms and feels his way around but does not find anything hat resembles a toilet bowl.Mad panic starts to set in and in the next room he finds the toilet. After he has done what he came to do he tries to stand up but something grabs him by the testacles and reefs him back down again. in pure shock the old boy tries to stand up again but something firmly grabs his jatz again and rips him back down. Now he is in big trouble he thinks but the nurse walks in and he explains his situation the young nurse starts to giggle and says








you silly old b-----d your sitting on the mop bucket

krtazy
08-01-2005, 04:31 PM
and another one i may have seen the most interesting bumper sticker i have ever seen this morning. it started with an i then a heart and then a photo of john howard and after that a music symbol.for two hours i thought about it and then it came to me i love country music ;D

krtazy
08-01-2005, 04:32 PM
sorry guys there was a photo of a tree after john howard.

zedjack33
12-01-2005, 07:54 AM
A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND
>HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE
>RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING.
>
>"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.
>
>"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.
>
>HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT
>JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP
>AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR
>CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"
>
>THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS
>UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE,
>AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE
>IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE
>CLOSET FLOOR.
>
>"YOU ROTTEN SOB ," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY
>WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING
>AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

ba229
12-01-2005, 09:23 AM
Time to cancel Indy.

http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,11265187%255E1702,00.html

and for a picture

http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=3c64139b1a47c02e12be8a87e6a5448c&threadid=150409&highlight=295

NQCairns
18-01-2005, 07:02 AM
On Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.

max_power
19-01-2005, 05:44 AM
An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney And says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

max_power
19-01-2005, 05:46 AM
Hilly Billy Rules


General Rules


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It’s tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it’s rude to take the trailer to the funeral home


DINING OUT


1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME


1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.


PERSONAL HYGIENE


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.


DATING (outside the family)


1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've wanted to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATRE ETIQUETTE


1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS


1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight.

2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.

NQCairns
19-01-2005, 07:51 AM
;D ;D

Wezza
19-01-2005, 01:14 PM
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping
for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his
potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for
his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally
found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He
started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally,
when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started
to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled
the man over. He administered the breathalyser test, and to his
great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!"
exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!"

NQCairns
21-01-2005, 06:24 AM
> TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

> You have 2 cows.

> You sell one and buy a bull.

> Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

> You sell them and retire on the income.

>

> AMERICAN CAPITALISM:

> You have 2 cows.

> You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for 5 cows.
The milk rights of the 6 cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with 9 cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buy your bull.

>

> AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

>

>A WELSH CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> You go on strike because you want 3 cows.

>

> A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

>

> A GERMAN CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

>

> A BRITISH CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> Both are mad.

>

>AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

>You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are.

>

>A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> You count them and learn you have 5 cows.

> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

> You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

> You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

>

> A SWISS CORPORATION:

> You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

> You charge others for storing them.

>

> A CHINESE CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> You have 300 people milking them.

> You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

>

> A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> That one on the left is kinda cute

NQCairns
21-01-2005, 06:25 AM
: The Wrong suit

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.
Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally,
they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the
undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that
beautiful blue suit?"



"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be
buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

wacco_fozzy
22-01-2005, 10:56 AM
I laughed, anyway

Dug
23-01-2005, 05:07 PM
+ this one

NQCairns
26-01-2005, 04:40 PM
At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates.


INSTRUCTIONS.
Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.


Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
0.5 Miss Worlds
2.5 Models
463 Wild nymphos
3,234 Good-looking nymphos
20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 Bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.


YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women), no obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate...send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.


PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; one of the women that arrives will know how to use it.


PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake

basserman
26-01-2005, 05:09 PM
During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.


The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"


Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"


The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."


The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.


Tension in every cockpit at Ft. Lauderdale Airport was running high.


Then, an unknown male pilot broke the silence asking, "Controller, wasn't I married to you once?"

macdwp01
30-01-2005, 12:50 PM
Awesome Joke ;D

cuda
30-01-2005, 01:19 PM
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said.


"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.

Why do you think she ran to the bank?"


A girl raised her hand, saying, "To draw out all his savings?"

bobby777888
30-01-2005, 02:19 PM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in new south wales. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

luigi
30-01-2005, 05:25 PM
Subject: Paddy at Bondi


Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach were disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS !" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"

Dignity
01-02-2005, 11:05 AM
just started reading through this thread and saw the one about the white rabbit from Marks2602 - here is the wholes story

The LAPD, FBI and the CIA were all to prove that they were the best at apprehending criminals. The President decided to give them a test. He released a white rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch it.

The FBI goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies; the rabbit was obviously a communist sympathizer, if not an invading Viet Cong, Nicaraguan, Grenadan, Cuban, Russian, North Korean or Chinese.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours, with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

The Australian PM hears about this and decides to test the Australian Law Enforcement Agencies. He releases a white laboratory rabbit into the forest just outside Canberra.

The Victorian Police go in. They return 15 minutes later with a dead koala, kangaroo and tree fern, all shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits - we had to act in self defense" is their explanation.

The NSW Police goes in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers and rabbits dancing naked around a gum tree, stoned out of their brains. F***ing, s**t, f**k up the stupid f**ker, are the only intelligible phrases picked up by the microphone.

The QLD Police goes in. Shortly afterwards, they come out driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them. The QLD Premier congratulates them on maintaining traditional family values.

The NCA caught the rabbit, but then had to release the bugger on a technicality, but promise if they are given a budget increase they can recover $90 million from the rabbit in unpaid taxes and proceeds of crime.

The NT and WA police join forces and belt the crap out of every rabbit in the forest except the white one. They know it is the dark ones who cause all the trouble.

The SA police utilize the help of a clairvoyant but after these leads give out, they file the "White Rabbit" case in the same drawer as the Beaumont children.

The AFP refuses to go. They examine the issues, particularly cost, and decide that because of the low priority and cost to the organization as a whole, the matter should be rejected and returned to the referring department for investigation.

ASIO go to the wrong forest, deport all the animals without valid visas, and arrest several suspicious Arabian horses on charges of conspiracy to incite civil unrest. Several agents, who under the ASIO Act can not be identified, claim stress leave because they could not wear their sunglasses in the dark forest.

Ray Martin, the people's policeman, hears about the trial and sends in Mike "Sluggo" Munro to investigate. Mike finds the rabbit and interviews it. The rabbit expresses the view that it doesn't like the forest. The rabbit doesn't want or know how to forage for its food like the other rabbits, doesn't want to colour his hair brown to fit in with all the other rabbits, and would like to go back to the laboratory where it understands what is going on.

After the story goes to air, the rabbit is lynched by a mob led by John Laws, Alan Jones, and Richard Carlton. The PM is delighted that somebody caught the rabbit and makes Ray Martin permanent Australian of the Year and Special Commissioner for Law and Order, saying the rabbit was "un-Australian", and he could, as an Australian, understand the community's need to exterminate the rabbit. The PM also unveils a 10-point plan to provide certainty and fairness for all Australians, except white rabbits.

Pauline Hanson says she feels no sympathy for the rabbit because it was an immigrant taking grass away from honest, hard working, mainstream Australian rabbits. Everyone ignores her, so she makes a video with the introductory statement, "Fellow Australians, if you are seeing me now, it means I have been murdered by white rabbits".

Wezza
01-02-2005, 12:14 PM
Bloody Hillarious!!!!

Wezza
01-02-2005, 12:28 PM
While I was driving down the freeway the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short?" to which I replied,
"I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"


I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? a rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

" Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole,
until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: $ 280
Court costs: $ 210
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

blaze
01-02-2005, 01:21 PM
RAFLMAO

Dignity
02-02-2005, 03:39 AM
My philosophy on life:

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. No one ever gets out of it alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians ~ the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who was the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies ~ not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals and dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since most everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs as much as they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?