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Donny Boy
13-11-2008, 09:33 AM
Roy Rogers is riding across the Plains when he sees the Cavalry..

" Howdy Cavalry ! " says Roy.
" How yer goin Roy, mate ! " says the bloke at the front ( on holiday from OZ )

" Got some bad news for ya Roy, .....You know your Ranch ??
It's the Apaches, mate........burnt it......burnt it to the ground...it's gone ! "

Roy says, " Oh my God, get outa my way! "

Bloke says, " Hang on mate, Hang on....there's a bit more..................."
" They killed all your Cattle...........the lot...........Arras..............
Arras thru the head mate,..........They're all dead !! "

Roy says, " Oh my god, get the hell outa my way !!!"

The Guy says " Hold on Pal, there's a bit more..........................

" They raped your wife..............beat her...tortured her....
.....then they staked her out in the Desert to die in the Sun like an animal! "

Roy pulls his Guns............... & in tears now, he screams........

" My God, O my God, get outa my goddam way !!!

And again, the Bloke says " Hang on Roy............................! "

" Are ya gunna sing us a song before ya go ????????

Donny Boy
13-11-2008, 09:40 AM
I'm enjoying this new job I've got.............

Beats the old one hands down..............

Used to be an AA man at the Whitsunday Resorts..............



Lookin' in all the windows sayin " A...A...you can't do that here !!

coucho
14-11-2008, 09:18 AM
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.


"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra".
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how thing went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Gloria Jeans again!"

coucho
14-11-2008, 09:21 AM
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home
on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.

coucho
14-11-2008, 09:39 AM
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for
> some rectum deodorant.
>
> The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
> that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
>
> Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has
> been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis
> and would like some more.
>
> "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We
> don't have any."
>
> "But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
>
> "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks
> the pharmacist.
>
> "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home
> and get it."
>
> She returns with the container and hands it to the
> pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is
>
just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
>
> Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads
> out loud from the container ...
>
> "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

coucho
14-11-2008, 09:49 AM
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
Husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
Town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
Different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
Could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
Know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
Interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she
Was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at
The Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...

I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and
Took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
Blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,
Dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, D!ckh%@d? Drink your f***ing beer in your
Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it sweetie
Pie ?????
........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story!

coucho
14-11-2008, 10:36 AM
> Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
> > married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
> >
> > The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their
> > s3x lives.
> >
> > After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging
> > in some S&M role playing.
> >
> > The following week they met up again to compare notes.
> > Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
> > the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
> > leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it
> > and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto
> > heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk
> > right then and there!'
> >
> > The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When
> > my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black
> > mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned
> > on that we not only scr3w3d all night, he wants to move up our wedding
> > date!
> >
> > The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
> > planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
> > I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I
> > slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black
> > stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.
> > When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote,
> > sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

sandman55
14-11-2008, 10:07 PM
A couple had been looking at new cars for months. He wanted a simple truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zoom through traffic and look like a princess. He would have settled for almost any old truck, but everything she wanted was way out of price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 220 in 5 seconds or less. Christmas is coming up and you should surprise me with something really really great this year!"

Soon christmas morning arrived and she un-wrapped her brand new bathroom scale. http://www.createphpbb.com/phpbb/images/smiles/uhohhide.gif

Chimo
16-11-2008, 02:19 PM
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the
door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here, on the swing,' replied the drunk.

sandman55
16-11-2008, 10:54 PM
Explanation of Medical Terms.

Benign................What you be after you be eight.

Artery................The study of paintings.

Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.

Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.

Colic.................A sheep dog.

Coma..................A punctuation mark.

D & C.................Where Washington is.

Dilate................To live long.

Enema.................Not a friend.

Fester................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula................A small lie.

Genital...............Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.

Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................Was aware of

Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.

Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum................Darn near killed him.

Secretion.............Hiding something.

Seizure...............Roman emperor.

Tablet................A small table.

Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor.................More than one.

Urine.................Opposite of you're out.

Varicose..............Near by/close by.

Vein..................Conceited.
;D

coucho
17-11-2008, 02:07 PM
when i was born, God gave me two options. I could have a perfect memory or be fantastic in bed...... dam it I forgot what i was gunna tell ya..........

Chimo
17-11-2008, 03:03 PM
Medically Speaking


Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to
operate on.

The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating
Table because when open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second responds: Yeah, but you should try Electricians!
everything inside them is color-coded.

The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine.
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Chimo
17-11-2008, 03:09 PM
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like Bubble,
One prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
Pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
Wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright Organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
Toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in
Church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Pete62
17-11-2008, 03:24 PM
An elderly couple who had been sharing company for a while decided it was time to move in together.
So they sat down to set some ground rules, they talked about cooking duties, finances etc.
The old fella finally got the courage up and asked " so how often do you like to have sex"?
.
.
.
.
"Infequently" replied the old girl.
.
.
.
.
The old fella thought for a minute and then asked.
.
.
.
.
"Is that one word or two"???

Chimo
17-11-2008, 09:11 PM
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of immigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Australia that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia's supply of convenience store managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Telstra customer service reps, dole office workers and Queensland doctors.


It's going to get ugly folks...

Chimo
17-11-2008, 09:31 PM
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'ELECTRICIAN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'
'FINE!' SHE SAYS

'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS,
'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘BUNNINGS' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE SARAH LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

Chimo
18-11-2008, 02:07 PM
A DAY AT THE RACES

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female


teachers, went on a field trip to the races to see and learn about

thoroughbred horses.





When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided

that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.



The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's

toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.



Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.





As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was

unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said "you must be in year four".





"No, madam" he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15".

coucho
18-11-2008, 02:14 PM
The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intermit relations right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral stimulation.
Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading internet jokes... - You hang in there sunshine!

Chimo
18-11-2008, 08:05 PM
THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

slyman
18-11-2008, 10:22 PM
Couple of old phones I want to sell... Have a look at the pic and let me know...


1) Old model nokia with 4.1 megapixel camera

2) Older model nokia with camera and vibrating alert

slyman
18-11-2008, 10:47 PM
I know I posted this on a different thread, but I thought it deserved a second wind...

I have decided to come up with a DEPTH GAUGE to assist those wishing to determine the depth of the bullshit being bantered about. This gauge would not only be useful here in the chatrooms, but could be applied to everyday life situations.

Depth is indicated by the BS FACTOR on a scale of 0 - 6.

BS 0 - Atmospheric. Indicates a situation where no bullshit has been brought up but the potential for it to occur is high. You may recognise it when you suspect something doesn't quite smell right, otherwise known as the faint odour of bullshit.

BS 1 - Ankle Deep. Indicates a situation where a person has decided to partake in bullshit. The bullshitter comes up with his story and puts it out there to be kicked around. This is considered a normal level of bullshit for everyday situations, usually done to impress others to create a sense of belonging to a group, which as previously mentioned, is a natural and primeval human need.

BS 2 - Knee Deep. Indicates a situation whereby the bullshitter has identified a person, or persons, willing to accept a higher degree of bullshit for reasons of personal entertainment or otherwise, and the bullshitter is happy to be encouraged by such persons to continue his diatribe.

BS 3 - Waist Deep. Indicates a situation where the bullshitter has been encouraged to a degree where they are now well and truely wallowing in their own bullshit, and loving it. Persons encouraged to the level of BS 3 are usually quite gregarious persons, who get invited to many social functions such as BBQ's and are fed free alcohol, with the intent to get the laughs flowing and the party started.

BS 4 - Armpit Deep. Indicates a situation where the bullshitter has been encouraged to a degree that their stories are now extremely improbable. They are also probably quite inebriated. By now, the only other persons around listening in are also quite inebriated and are unable to identify the degree of bullshit being discussed. Either that or they are waiting for the Critical Mass Situation where the bullshitter may be unable to reign the story in and make a fool of himself.

BS 5 - Chin Deep. This is the Critical Mass Situation. The bullshitter has now reached the maximum amount of all possible bullshit. Having entertained those around them, they must now come up with a witty remark to extract themselves from the situation, and slyly indicate that they are a master bullshitter. It's Do or Die at this moment. Highly experienced bullshitters are capable of saving face at the very last minute, others are not so lucky and bite the proverbial bulldust.

BS 6 - Over Their Head. This indicates a situation where the bullshitter has either failed to identify the Critical Mass Situation, or has failed to come up with the witty extraction comment, they are now literally eating their own bullshit and/or have bullshit on their face. Persons attaining BS 6 are open to ridicule from all others present.

N.B. Bullshitting is an artform that can be performed by all and sundry, however great care must be taken in the depths that you reach. Those wishing to wade through depths of Knee Deep or greater (BS 2 and above), should note that at these depths Bullshit Sharks (Bullies) are known to patrol, looking for inexperienced bullshitters to sink their teeth into, with the aim of progressing them quickly to BS 5 in the hope that they cant cope and move on to BS 6. Bullshit sharks are frequently encountered during periods of low light (ie bbq's at sundown).

slyman
18-11-2008, 10:56 PM
>>Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
>>the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
>>Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
>>Paddy.
>>Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
>>Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
>>face.
>>"Jaysus" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
>>himself off.
>>He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
>>"Oh Jaysus!"
>>He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just
>>get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
>>He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
>>He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
>>feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls
>>flat on his face.
>>"Bi'Jaysus... I'm right hammered," he says.
>>He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
>>hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies
>>inside.
>>He takes a look up the stairs and says "No flippin' way".
>>He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it
>>to the bed."
>>He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
>>He says "Stuff it" and falls into bed.
>>The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a
>>cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink
>>last night?".
>>Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was right pissed. But how'd you know?"
>>"Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!"

slyman
18-11-2008, 11:04 PM
An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical
>>instrument you like".
>>An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi
>>Hendrix.
>>An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton
>>John.
>>A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.
>>The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound
>>from the bagpipes
>>The Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?
>>The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna shag her brains out once I
>>get her pyjamas off"
>>

Chimo
19-11-2008, 09:22 AM
James ............



A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

coucho
19-11-2008, 10:55 AM
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and was in agony.The doctor prescribed
continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and
a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs".

coucho
19-11-2008, 11:21 AM
In Arnhem land Aboriginal tribes look to their elders to determine if it is going to be a harsh cold winter or a mild one and thus if there is a need to gather a lot of fire wood or not.
last autum the tribal elder died leaving Murengaba the new oldest man in the village. Now the elders had never taught Murengaba how to determine if it was to be a cold winter or not but the rest of the village was looking to Murengaba to determine if they should start gathering fire wood early or not this year. Not wanting to admit he didn't know and wanting to cover his butt, Murengaba said yes it will be a cold winter and they should begin to gather some wood.
After a week of wood gathering the tribe again asked Murengaba if this was enough wood? Murengaba had a great idea, he rang the Bureau of Meterology in the NT and asked them if it would be cold winter this year the BOM said indeed it did look like being quiet a cold winter. So Murengaba returned to the tribe and said no thiis is not enough wood it looks like being quiet a cold winter this year gather more wood.
So after another week of gathering wood, again the tribe went to Murengaba and he said I will have to consult with the "spirts" and snuck off and phoned the BOM. The officials at the BoM said it looks like being the coldest winter for a few year! So Murengaba returned to his tribe and said gather more wood it looks like being a very cold winter this year so his tribe gathered more wood.
Another week of wood gathering goes by and again the tribe comes to Murengaba and off Murengaba goes to speak with the "spirits" at the BOM. this time the man at the BOM say its shapeing up to be the coldest winter we have on record!!! Core think Murengaba so he askes the guy at the BOM 'how can you be so sure that this will be such a harsh winter'
'well the local aboriginals have been gathering fire wood like crazy and thats always a sure sign ' come the reply

Xahn1960
20-11-2008, 09:21 AM
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania, and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car, and hisses at them through the windshield.
'Quick, quick!', shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'
'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination',
says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
'What shall I do now?', she shouts.
'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at
the Vatican', says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin,
but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
'Now what?', shouts Sister Catherine.
'Show him your cross', says Sister Helen.
'Now you're talking', says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the f#@k off the car!'

choppa
20-11-2008, 11:57 AM
slyman needs one of these for his joke above,,,,

slyman
20-11-2008, 01:37 PM
slyman needs one of these for his joke above,,,,


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

very good! cheers!

slyman
20-11-2008, 02:58 PM
http://i428.photobucket.com/albums/qq9/slyman71/BEFOREANAFTER.gif

Chimo
20-11-2008, 03:45 PM
Nursing Home Sex



Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.


She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

Chimo
20-11-2008, 03:47 PM
The 11th Husband




A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to
position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ........... God, how I miss him."

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You’re with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."


Apols to K07 but if the cap fits .................:-X

FNQCairns
21-11-2008, 07:22 PM
6 Truths of Life




1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.








































...............

FNQCairns
21-11-2008, 07:23 PM
2. After reading the first truth, all idiots will try it.






3. And discover that the first Truth is a lie.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.










5. You'll soon forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize for this but I'm an idiot
and need company ...

FNQCairns
24-11-2008, 09:17 AM
I hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment..
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,


The Response
Dear:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you should.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

Chimo
25-11-2008, 05:49 AM
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a
little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.

Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son.'
He answered, 'That's okay.'

'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum'
as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her
way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, Mum'
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

'That comes to $121.85,' said the clerk.
'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..'
The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too.'

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!! ::)

Chimo
25-11-2008, 11:48 AM
Vacation near Transylvania


Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! ...


The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"



(I am soooooo sorry..... but you really should've seen that coming) :-[

Chimo
25-11-2008, 06:27 PM
BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR




If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: ' Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the r room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it ne cessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Mac1952
25-11-2008, 07:59 PM
Aussie Bob is holidaying in Ireland. Having been drinking in a Belfast pub for a little bit too late one night, he misses the last bus to his hotel.
As all remaining taxi drivers are safely at home by this hour, he has no option but to walk.

Halfway down a quiet street, a gun barrel is shoved into his back and a voice hisses in his ear: "Protestant or Catholic?!"

Knowing that a wrong answer will mean instant death, Bob thinks hard and fast, and answers: "I'm Jewish, I'm Jewish !"

Upon which the voice replies:

I MUST BE THE LUCKIEST ARAB IN THE WHOLE OF IRELAND !!!!!!

Chimo
26-11-2008, 09:17 AM
The Dead Cow and Vet School

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

sandman55
26-11-2008, 10:55 PM
Ahmed the terrorist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouDRDzqTu0M

baitwaster
27-11-2008, 12:27 PM
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.[He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"[As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.” Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

ttone
02-12-2008, 01:14 PM
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!!

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be 'unacceptable
fire' and was obligated to pay the claim!
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in Jail
and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

ONLY IN AMERICA!

Chimo
02-12-2008, 04:28 PM
MY LIVING WILL














Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch..................



Beware fellow Ausfishers, of what you wish for ..... ::)

Chimo
02-12-2008, 05:04 PM
Let him dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!

Chimo
02-12-2008, 05:24 PM
The Priest, the Preacher & the Rabbi


A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Miramichi Valley High School

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together at the Miramichi Hospital to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first Communion and Confirmation.

The Preacher spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle that there holy water! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The Priest and the Preacher both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs, and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape
The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

Chimo
02-12-2008, 05:51 PM
Bob and a Blonde



Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money...

Xahn1960
03-12-2008, 08:50 AM
Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was

admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him

into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while

she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister

Noticed a cute glass

bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

With water, and in the water

Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater,

but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?



I was walking through

The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package On the ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent

the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All

winter.'

Chimo
04-12-2008, 11:34 AM
"ALL PUNS INTENDED "

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
;
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

sandman55
05-12-2008, 02:32 PM
"Satan's Visit"

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in
the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went
to the local church. Before the service started, the
townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking
about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of
the congregation. Everyone started screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other
in a frantic effort to get away from evil-incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church
except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the
man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister
for over 48 years."

harry_h01
05-12-2008, 03:13 PM
Subject: Holiday Carols for the Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle .....

Chimo
06-12-2008, 11:29 AM
THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

Chimo
06-12-2008, 11:38 AM
50 Years Ago




The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'







Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'










OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'










Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'










A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.










The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking stick. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.










The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.










After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.










So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'










Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

sandman55
06-12-2008, 08:32 PM
Seeing as it's now turned December, it's time to get the Christmas cake prepared, it's a major job out of the way and the cake is better for 'maturing' a while....


Tequila Christmas Cake

1 cup water
1 tsp.. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp.. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila - Sample the tequila to check quality. (I already sampled it.....several times to check the quality)
2 cups dried fruit


Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point its best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.

Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

Chimo
08-12-2008, 08:52 PM
For all of you who send and receive the odd thing via email and post even odder things here I thought it would be appropriate to share this with you, so ...



Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.



HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A "MERRY CHRISTMAS & GREAT NEW YEAR" ;)

aussiefool
09-12-2008, 07:43 AM
The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks now.
They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me.

aussiefool
09-12-2008, 07:50 AM
Once upon a time...
Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together. Shrek said, “I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?” Angelina Jolie agreed. “I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.” Brad Pitt said, “I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.”
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall” to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina was the most gorgeous and Brad was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. “Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.”
Angelina Jolie perked up and said, “And I know for sure that I'm the sexiest woman alive.”
But Brad Pitt lifted his sad, gorgeous face and said...
“Who the hell is Aussiefool ????”

Chimo
11-12-2008, 09:58 AM
One for all the teachers and fellow ex-teachers out there.......

Little Johnny strikes again....



The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.



Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

Chimo
11-12-2008, 10:04 AM
No wonder we have a few issues dealing with the fairer sex when they circulate stuff like this...........





For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: These days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.




Men are like....



1. Men are like ....Laxatives
.... They irritate the crap out of you.


2. Men are like. Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.


3. Men are like Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.


4. Men are like .....Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.


5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.


6. Men are like ....Commercials
......... You can't believe a word they say.


7.. Men are like Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!


8. Men are like .......Government Bonds
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.


9. Men are like .....Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10. Men are like Popcorn
.. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11. Men are like Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12. Men are like Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Chimo
11-12-2008, 10:11 AM
NZ Earthquake

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.

Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.
The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......

Chimo
11-12-2008, 10:14 AM
better with sound.......





This is really funny. Will get you in the Christmas mood, too.The perfect man and woman ! CLICK HERE (http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf)

Chimo
11-12-2008, 10:19 AM
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Chimo
11-12-2008, 02:58 PM
This is worrying!


Beer contains female hormones:'(
Last month, QUT University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. And this is before either of the stupid cows adds recycled water to the dams!

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .. :o

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
Period.



It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary.
All the men you know and care about have to be warned so tell them about drinking too much beer!

sparkyice
11-12-2008, 11:22 PM
The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughter s
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. S chwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can' t allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity..'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believ e,' he said to his wife
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied...

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work

Scott nthQld
12-12-2008, 04:17 PM
IMPORTANT NOTICE FOR BOOSTING THE ECONOMY

The federal government is sending many of us a $600 to $1,400 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and
Guatemala,

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan or Germany.

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help
the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitutes, wine and beer, since these are the only products still
produced in Australia.


Thank you for your help.

sparkyice
13-12-2008, 03:05 AM
IMPORTANT NOTICE FOR BOOSTING THE ECONOMY

The federal government is sending many of us a $600 to $1,400 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and
Guatemala,

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan or Germany.

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help
the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitutes, wine and beer, since these are the only products still
produced in Australia.


Thank you for your help.


for a minute there i thought you said america...
i had to read it twice!!

:D

small world, eh?

seamaid
14-12-2008, 08:41 AM
;D
Their were three mice at the bar, the first mice says, i am the bravest mice off all, oh, the others reply.
I sneak down to the rat traps, grab the bar, and do twenty five bench presses and then eat the cheese.
Yer, said the 2nd mice, i sneak around the rat sacks and have a good sniff and get on a high.
The 3rd mice , enough for me, got off the bar stool,and headed for the door.
Hey were you going Jerry?.
I am going home to kiss the cat

BGG
15-12-2008, 07:21 AM
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

Chimo
15-12-2008, 03:23 PM
Life in the Aussie Army



>>
>> Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to
>> Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town,
>> west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
>>
>>
>> Dear Mum & Dad,
>>
>> I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big
>> brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm -
>> tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I
>> wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get
>> outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do
>> before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No
>> bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya
>> haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water
>> and even a light to see what ya doing!
>>
>> At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but
>> there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't
>> get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered
>> because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking
>> to the windmill in the back paddock!!
>>
>> This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil
>> with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The
>> bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's
>> not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull
>> got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is
>> make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You
>> don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya
>> don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting
>> truck when you reload!
>>
>> Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys
>> and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting
>> with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once
>> like we do at home after the muster.
>> Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it
>> looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by
>> this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three
>> pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and
>> eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried
>> me off to the boozer.
>>
>> I can't complain about the Army - tell the
>> boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
>>
>> Your loving daughter,
>>
>> Sheila

aussiefool
17-12-2008, 07:51 AM
Illegal Drag Racing

A friend who works for the Police Department
Received the attached photo of a drag race that went bad.

It's kind of hard to look at, but it serves as a reminder
of what can happen when drag races occur.

Keep drag racing off the streets …….

Scott nthQld
17-12-2008, 07:07 PM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 170km/h.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my licence," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and seventy.
"So bust him," says the chief.|
"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," says the cop.
The chief exclaims: "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," says the cop.
The chief then asks: "Who have you got there, the mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger".
Chief: "State Premier?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," says the chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "Because he's got the Pope as his cheuffeur!"

Scott nthQld
17-12-2008, 07:10 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy: "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued: "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied: "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

Scott nthQld
17-12-2008, 07:12 PM
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather imperious Eastern-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground," the attendant asked.
She calmly turned her head and said: "In my country, I am called a princess, and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat: "Well, sweet-cheeks,in my country I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch."

Scott nthQld
17-12-2008, 07:14 PM
The couple was 85 years old and had been married for 60 years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said: "Welcome to heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free-flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
"This is heaven!"
The old man pushed the point. "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or . . . "
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself,." replied Peter firmly.
The old man glared at his wife and said: "You and your bloody bran muffins!
"We could have been here 10 years ago!"

Scott nthQld
17-12-2008, 07:15 PM
TERMS ASSOCIATED WITH THE ON-GOING FINANCIAL MELTDOWN
Current and correctly explained acronyms . . .
CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer
Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
Bear Market: A six-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower
P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
Broker: What my broker has made me
Standard and Poor: Your life in a nutshell
Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock
Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves
Financial planner: A guy whose phone has just been disconnected
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
Yahoo: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share
Windows: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share
Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
Profit: An archaic word no longer in use

Scott nthQld
17-12-2008, 07:18 PM
Thought this might be relevant for this time of year...

CAN'T PLEASE EVERYBODY . . .
Date: November 4
From: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
To: All Employees
Re: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols . . . please feel free to sing along.
don't be surprised if the managing director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be more than $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The managing director will make a special announcement at the party.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Steve

Date: November 5
From: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
To: All Employees
Re: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our `Holiday Party'.
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Steve.

Date: November 6
From: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
To: All Employees
Re: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . . . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the union officials feel that $10 is too much money, and management believe $10 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Steve.

Date: November 7
From: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
To: All Employees
Re: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs - perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other: lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And no, no blow-up sheep.
We will have booster seats for short people, and low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, and no, the restaurant cannot supply `No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Steve.
Date: November 8
From: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
To: All F****** Employees
Re: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the `grill of death', as you so quaintly put it.
You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The Pr**k from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: November 9
From: Barry Jack - Acting Human Resources Manager
Re: Steve Reynolds and Xmas Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Steve Reynolds a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to him.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Christmas Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23 off with full pay.

Scott nthQld
17-12-2008, 07:23 PM
LIKE SQUID . . .
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labour in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said: "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down - I think theres another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down - there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes, he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't put it down yet - it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor . . . "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

bobbyb
17-12-2008, 07:41 PM
hope this has't bean done. to many to read........

a trucky pulls in to town at a brothel after a long run. wacks $500 bucks on the counter and said give me your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich .

the mistress saws for that money you can have our best girl and a three course meal.

to which he replys, i'm not horny just home sick........;D

sparkyice
18-12-2008, 02:12 AM
makes me proud to be an american, i can tell ya that...

http://kstp.com/article/stories/S709125.shtml?cat=1

where else could you have a "parking accident" like this?

charleville
18-12-2008, 05:32 PM
The clergyman asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers.


A lady in the congregation stood and walked to the podium. "I have a praise," she said. "Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."


You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.


She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children, and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed
remnants and wrap wire around his scrotum to hold it in."


Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.


She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say,
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."


All the men sighed with relief.


The clergyman rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to
say.


A man rose and walked to the podium. "I'm Jim," he said, "and I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."




;D ;D ;D ;D ;D




.

dnej
19-12-2008, 11:59 AM
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.







2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'





3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.





4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.





5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'





6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'





7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common ?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'





8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.





9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.





10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.





11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.





















13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.







14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.





15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'







16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.







17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'







18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'









19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

he suffered from bad breath.


This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.







20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.











[

Xahn1960
19-12-2008, 01:01 PM
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Xahn1960
19-12-2008, 02:01 PM
DEEPLY PROFOUND THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING


Two men were out fishing at their favourite fishing hole,
just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, I think I’m
gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
“ You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find. “

sparkyice
19-12-2008, 09:40 PM
but wait- theres more!!

http://www.wcsh6.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=97628&catid=2

sandman55
21-12-2008, 09:29 PM
The Tax man and the Donkey
Taxman moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Taxman replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Taxman said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Taxman said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Taxman said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Taxman and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Taxman said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Taxman said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

He now leads the US bank bailout team. ;D

finga
26-12-2008, 08:24 PM
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

PNG1M
27-12-2008, 03:50 AM
Husband & wife jokes:

These might give you a laugh.....


Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date!'



Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes and No.'



Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem goes away.'
Wife: 'Then you can see how such a miraculous and powerful influence I can be for you?'
Hubby: 'Yeh! It’s just that when I see your picture I ask myself what other problem could there possibly be greater than this one?'



Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'



Wife comes home from her check-up at the doctors.
Wife says, "Guess what darling? The doctor says I've got the tits & arse of an 18 years old!
Husband replies, "And what did he say about your 40 year old c##*?"
Wife says, "Well actually, he didn't mention you at all..!"



Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'



A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune.'



Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'



A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'Most of all I like your sense of humor.'



Leaving the best till last:


A wife comes in to the lounge room to see her husband watching the TV intently.
Wife says, "What are you watching honey?
Husband replies, "I'm watching our wedding video.
Wife says. "But you're watching it in reverse!"
Husband says, "Yeah I know...and the best part is when you walk backwards down the aile, then get in the car & f##* off!!

PNG1M
27-12-2008, 11:32 PM
By the way...

What did John McCain say when he realised he'd lost the US election to Obama?



He said: "OH, BUMMA!"

Scott nthQld
29-12-2008, 03:29 PM
BUSTING DREAMS
A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"When I was six, I got the `There's no Easter bunny' speech," the child sobbed.
"At seven, I got the `There's no Tooth Fairy speech.
"When I was eight, you hit me with the `There's no Santa speech.
"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

PinHead
01-01-2009, 05:10 AM
The Squirrel and The Grasshopper


REST OF THE WORLD VERSION
[The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.



Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END



THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION


[The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labor Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The ABC , interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall Overcome'.

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders,
for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia 's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.







THE END

Chimo
01-01-2009, 07:52 AM
The Butchers Surprise

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Chimo
01-01-2009, 08:00 AM
A Few Trueisms for 2009

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

charleville
02-01-2009, 07:36 PM
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years, snuggled back into me and replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing. :o


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D



.

sandman55
04-01-2009, 11:19 AM
Hu's on first.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkUPswHhgSA

sandman55
04-01-2009, 11:34 PM
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."

"Show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

coucho
05-01-2009, 08:32 AM
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . .
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.'

Chimo
05-01-2009, 03:33 PM
This is a true story with an excellent outcome.

On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on
his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos(near Mudgee in NSW, Australia)
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed
$0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and
threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them
$0.00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error
and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account
it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a
bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill
was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would
be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps
to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their
own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed
his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the
gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank
could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of
their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and
unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps
to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at
the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he
had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the
outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show
Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher
court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been
processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.


This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
Who employs these idiots??

sandman55
05-01-2009, 10:08 PM
This is a true story with an excellent outcome.

On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on
his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos(near Mudgee in NSW, Australia)
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed
$0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and
threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them
$0.00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error
and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account
it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a
bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill
was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would
be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps
to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their
own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed
his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the
gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank
could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of
their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and
unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps
to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at
the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he
had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the
outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show
Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher
court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been
processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.


This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
Who employs these idiots??

It's a funny story but I wonder if it is true I have tried to find something on the net but I can only find the story repeated on some other forums.

Chimo
06-01-2009, 05:18 AM
Hi Sandman55

Was unable to sleep worrying about putting this unattributed data up so research has revealed http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/zero.asp
This link that appears to shed some light on the issue / joke.

Sorry for the confusion and your fruitless ABC search, either back off to have a sleep or will go fishing for a while.

Cheers
Chimo

Black_Rat
06-01-2009, 10:21 PM
Q: What's SOBA got that Sunfish doesn't have and never will ? :curtain:

A: Balls !

sparkyice
07-01-2009, 05:49 AM
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger.

I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM! BAM! BAM! You just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please Die ... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly donʼt know how I got loose from the wire.. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sunnofabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon foulin or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still donʼt understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.



this didn't really happen to me, it was a freind of a freind...;)

Chimo
07-01-2009, 09:27 AM
This has been claimed to be the "Best Australian Joke of 2008"
I'm not making that claim, maybe its just a tip on how to get crays and crabs?


> A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
> He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
> wondering what could have happened to her.
>
> Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple
> of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says,
> 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but,
> some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
>
> 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The
> Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
> here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
> He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
>
> The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of
> a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
> the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there
> were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached
> to her, so we've brought you your share.'
>
> He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
> five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's
> an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
>
>
> 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
> get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
> pull her up again!

Donny Boy
08-01-2009, 12:33 PM
Chimo,

You're a sick puppy !


:LMAO:

akman1
09-01-2009, 12:03 PM
Sorry but it must be 5yrs old by now

Chimo
09-01-2009, 12:43 PM
Amazing Elephant and Man Story

In 1988, Steve Jennings was on vacation in Australia after graduating from Southeastern University. During a hike through the Outback, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air as if it was in pain.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Steve approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Steve worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Steve stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Steve never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Steve was walking through the Atlanta Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Steve and his son Nicolas were standing. The large elephant stared at Steve, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1988, Steve couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Steve summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Steve’s legs and slammed his dumb ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

ffejsmada
09-01-2009, 07:25 PM
this Is A Story About A Couple Who Had
been Happily Married For Years.
the Only Friction In Their Marriage
was The Husband's Habit Of Farting Loudly
every Morning When He Awoke. The
noise Would Wake His Wife And
the Smell Would Make Her Eyes Water And
make Her Gasp For Air.
every Morning She Would Plead With Him To
stop
ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her
sick. He Told Her He Couldn't.stop
it And That It Was Perfectly Natural. She
told Him To See A Doctor, She Was
concerned That One Day He Would Blow His
guts Out.
the Years Went By
and He Continued To Rip Them Out. Then One
thanksgiving Morning As She Was
preparing The
turkeyfor Dinner And He Was
upstairs Sound Asleep, She Looked At The
innards And Neck, Gizzard, Liver And
all The Spare Parts And A Malicious Thought
came To Her.
she Took The
bowl And Went Upstairs Where Her Husband
was Sound Asleep And, Gently Pulling
the Bed Covers Back, She Pulled Back The
elastic Waistband Of His Underpants
and Emptied The Bowl Of Turkey Guts Into
his Shorts
some Time Later
she Heard Her Husband Waken With His Usual
trumpeting Which Was Followed By A
blood Curdling Scream And The Sound Of
frantic Foot Steps As He Ran Into The
bath Room. The Wife Could Hardly Control
herself As She Rolled On The Floor
laughing, Tears In Her Eyes! After Years Of
torture She Reckoned She Had Got
him Back Pre Tty Good...
about Twenty Minutes Later, Her Husband
came
downstairs In His
bloodstained Underpants With A Look Of
horror On His
face... She Bit Her Lip As She Asked Him
what Was The Matter?
he Said,
'honey You Were Right.' 'all These Years
you Have Warned Me And I Didn't
listen To You'.
'what Do You Mean?' Asked His Wife.
'well, You
always Told Me That One Day I Would End Up
farting My Guts Out, And Today It
finally Happened.'
but By The Grace Of God, Some Vaseline And
two Fingers.
i Think I Got Most Of Them Back In. http://www.############.com.au/forum/images/smilies/vtc/67.gif


__________________

finga
12-01-2009, 09:37 AM
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH




A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.




The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'




The Aussie said 'One!'






The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.




How much was the sale for?'

'Ł124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed Ł124,23764!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'




'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'







'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4






The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...




'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

sandman55
12-01-2009, 10:50 PM
Hi Sandman55

Was unable to sleep worrying about putting this unattributed data up so research has revealed http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/zero.asp
This link that appears to shed some light on the issue / joke.

Sorry for the confusion and your fruitless ABC search, either back off to have a sleep or will go fishing for a while.

Cheers
Chimo
Hi Chimo sorry to worry you. That was such a good story I wanted to pass it on so I tried to look it up and couldn't find it. Thems the breaks ;D

It's a bit like this story it says its true I have seen it with some slight variations over the years but if it is true I can imagine her embarrassment.

The Gynaecologist
This is a true story.In Melbourne, Fl. one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner:

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynaecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the wash cloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the wash cloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we!", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

Chimo
14-01-2009, 06:33 PM
NOTICEBOARD

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door........


Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.


The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.


The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who
are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.


Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time, ;

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .

BGG
15-01-2009, 12:50 PM
In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the koalas. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the koalas - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the ATO seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'

mangomick
15-01-2009, 08:42 PM
Wally the worker sees the weather is looking pretty good and says to his boss. "Boss, I'm feeling a bit crook , I dont think I'll be at work tomorrow.
boss says,"When I'm feeling a bit down I always go home and have sex with the wife and that always makes me feel better. You should try that.
next day Wally the worker is at work full of life.
Boss says your looking pretty fit today Wally did you try my advise. Wally says yeah boss. Works a treat and geez you've got a really nice home;D

seamaid
16-01-2009, 07:49 AM
:D Hi Fisho's, all taunt lines for the new year.

Their was this lake and in this lake was a stick and on this stick was a fly,and then there was this trout who says ,when that fly moves down that stick i will catch him, and then was this bear,who says when that fly moves down that stick,and that trout moves to catch that fly i will catch that trout, then was this hunter who says,when that fly moves down that stick, and that trout catches that fly and that bear catches that trout, i will shoot that bear, then there was this mouse, who says when that fly moves down that stick and that trout catches that fly and then that bear catches that trout and that hunter shoots that bear i will run in and grab the cheese out of his sanga, but there was this cat behind the mice being impatient rushes in, slips on the sanga and ends up in the water.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS --

WHEN A FLY MOVES DOWN A STICK THE PUSSY ALL WAYS ENDS UP IN TROUBLE

Scott nthQld
17-01-2009, 05:20 PM
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 20m behind the first.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file," he said.
"Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied: "Well, the first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?" the stranger asked.
The man replied: "My dog attacked and killed her."
The stranger inquired further: "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered: "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?" asked the stranger.
The man replied: "Join the queue."

Scott nthQld
17-01-2009, 05:20 PM
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You OK?" she asks.
"Yes, thank you, miss," he replies.
"You can go and play with the other kids you know," she says.
"It's best I stay here, miss" he says.
"Why?" says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I am the bloody goalie."

Scott nthQld
17-01-2009, 05:25 PM
Biblical Fishing on Noah's Ark

* Did Noah fish?
A Sunday school teacher asked: "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

Donny Boy
18-01-2009, 08:16 AM
Q:






How many women with PMT does it take to change a light

bulb?





Woman'sAnswer:





One!

ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this
f…n house knows HOW
to change a f….n light bulb! They don't even know that the
f….n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE
fu..'n DAYS before they figured it out.

And,
once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned
light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past
17 YEARS!




But if they did, by some miracle of God,




actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the
fu..'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb
would




STILL BE IN THE SAME fu..'n SPOT!!!!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!
BECAUSE NO F…ER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES




OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED




FROM THE FU..'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT




ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE
FU..'NHOUSE!!
IT WOULD
TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!




AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO
CHANGES
THE
FU..'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm
sorry.




What was the question?

sandman55
18-01-2009, 02:36 PM
Lets clear the air with music

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.
So every time you fart, you time it with the music. You're beginning to feel pretty smug about your cleverness!

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus...Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize ..........

You're listening to your IPod!

sandman55
18-01-2009, 02:38 PM
This is an oldie but a goody ;D

Chimo
19-01-2009, 03:21 PM
[

Good Health Tips

Q: Doctor,I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the lifeof your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A:Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had aboutfood and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming

'WOO HOO, What a Ride':D

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Chimo
20-01-2009, 07:37 PM
How many zeros in a billion??? :o

This is too true to be funny...

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think aboutwhether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.


A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government
is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans ....
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number...
what does it mean?

A
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.


C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.


Imagine, now $700 billion bailing out banks in the US . That's enough to fund complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive in the US for 11 years!!

50 billion to bail out the auto industry??? Washington , D.C. & Ottawa ON .
< HELLO!!! >

Are all your calculators broken??


Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax , Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property y Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax upon Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Income Tax
Everything Tax


STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY??? :-[

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago... and our nation (US) was the most prosperous in the world.


We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world.. and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.


What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'


And in the USA I still have to press '1' for English.


I hope this goes aroundthe US & CANADA or AUSTRALIA at least 1 billion times

Chimo
21-01-2009, 11:06 AM
Two Little Old Ladies



Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over andSaid, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked(as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as "Best Dried Arrangement".

slyman
21-01-2009, 01:01 PM
now that obama is president, the only thing I am going to miss about bush is the comedy gold segment on Letterman, Great Moments In Presidential Speeches...

KogebxJkHig

charleville
21-01-2009, 03:04 PM
MAN'S RULES


• Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

• Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

• James Cook did not need directions and neither do we.

• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cricket, the latest location of the spotties, or monster trucks.

• You have enough clothes.

• You have too many shoes.

• I am in shape. Round is a shape.

• Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.



.

Wahoo
21-01-2009, 06:39 PM
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.



One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:... cost - $29.99
Clinton :...cost - $29.99


Titanic:.... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... ... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :.... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:.... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :...... Ditto for Monica..

Titanic:.... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :.... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :.... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:.... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :.... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

sparkyice
21-01-2009, 11:40 PM
SHOE TOSS GAME!!!!:D

http://www.aksalser.com/game.htm

Chimo
22-01-2009, 12:08 PM
This has potential!

Chimo
22-01-2009, 12:10 PM
Pt 2 Need to be careful about staying too long tho. :P

Chimo
22-01-2009, 12:56 PM
Every once in a while something turns up that really clears things up.
This may be one of those!

Whether Liberal or Labour this makes too much sense!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

charleville
23-01-2009, 11:38 AM
'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

Dantren
23-01-2009, 01:25 PM
The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

mini696
23-01-2009, 03:21 PM
Bad taste McCartney jokes............

It's a very sad world we live in when
Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg...
Personally, I think it's prosthetic!


News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney.
Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!
She said in an earlier briefing, I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped?
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, she will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this?

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it is believed that she wont have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause.
She's terrible a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless?"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new Prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.
The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.
Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas, she says shell buy her own Immac for the other leg!

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney -
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river
A Miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate I'm ****ed, who will want a one legged gold digger? His mate says try Paul McCartney
Q: What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A: The McCartneys
These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please.
Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can fill her shoe.

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again...
In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heat

Chimo
23-01-2009, 09:08 PM
With Stralia day so close its important to be up to date with ..........

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the
tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

jimbamb
26-01-2009, 03:45 PM
Thanks for the advise chimo
All taken on board!!!especially the last one!!!
Jim

Chimo
26-01-2009, 04:34 PM
Good boy! Best way to keep Sat Nites happening!
C

sandman55
26-01-2009, 09:24 PM
Thanks for the advise chimo
All taken on board!!!especially the last one!!!
Jim
What do we send them down the road for the petrol after they get the beer? ;D

sandman55
27-01-2009, 03:29 PM
The Little Girls Story

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing." My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy, and she watches him drink it.

Then my mom says to my dad, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

sparkyice
30-01-2009, 02:32 AM
there was two bulls up on the side hill, knee deep in new clover on a warm spring day, looking down at the heifers in the pasture below them.

"well, pappy", says the youg bull," i thinks i'll run on down to that pasture and get to know me one of them there cute little darlin's. if'n you wasn't too dang old, i'd ask you to join me, old man!!"

"junior," says the old bull," i guess my days of runnin after the girls are over. you just trot on down there, and meet your little lady"

"what! you are gettin old! you gots two hooves in the grave already! i feel sorry for ya, ya old geezer! you sure you don't wanna run on down there with me an get to know one of them girls?"

"nah," says the old boy," you run on down and get to know one, an i'll walk on down and get to know 'em all."

Chimo
30-01-2009, 03:51 PM
Further to post 2132 addition information has now come to light.:-[

You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers
stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for
something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often
and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs'
refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways
with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly
despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as
big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy
Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up,
at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any
rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the
Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not
spelt with a 'u'

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway
fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway
polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach
cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call
'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally
strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to
offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem
and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the
government's new test for migrants.

You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and
overseas, realising that only they will understand!!





Thankyou:-*

C

Chimo
30-01-2009, 03:59 PM
TGIF, Off to the pub are we?

Tequila can do it for you too:P

Chimo
30-01-2009, 07:29 PM
Romance

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .



Wait for it. .




It's coming. .




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?




She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

madman1
03-02-2009, 09:31 AM
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar..

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.' So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers. Rack off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'

DAVE_S
03-02-2009, 06:31 PM
The Lie Clocks -


A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Kevin Rudd's clock?' asked the man.

It's in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

coucho
04-02-2009, 08:47 AM
Old Guys Don't Care
As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the
medical establishment. For example, my doctor
referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said,
'Because I'm trying to examine you..."

coucho
04-02-2009, 11:19 AM
A Liney ('Linesman' Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Liney ('Linesman' Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a liney the Royalty of all Trades??"
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The Liney ('Linesman' Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

coucho
04-02-2009, 11:21 AM
The teacher was telling the young kids about the birds and the bees and
she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the "stork" usually
brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the
teacher,
" Are you sure about the "stork", miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up"
'Cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a "shag" on the beach.!!!

coucho
04-02-2009, 11:23 AM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else i n the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $500. Is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "Oh, thanks very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new 2007 models. There was one I really, really liked."

MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$120,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,500,000."
MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than $1,250,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks........



"Does anyone know whose mobile this is?"

coucho
04-02-2009, 11:24 AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came!!

madman1
04-02-2009, 12:50 PM
CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS.................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

sandman55
04-02-2009, 09:27 PM
Nurses don't laugh at patients

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a
professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and
proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had
ever seen.. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse
started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was
able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse.
"I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I
promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
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"It's swollen," Fred replied

sparkyice
05-02-2009, 04:20 AM
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh or measure the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 15.4 kg and was 1.2m long :o

BGG
05-02-2009, 11:20 AM
LEAVING WORK EARLY...
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband; but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

finga
05-02-2009, 11:47 AM
Dave knows everyone....

Dave was bragging to his boss in Perth one day, "You know, I know everyone thereis to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Russell Crowe?"
"No dramas boss. Russell and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly across to Sydney and knock on Russell Crowe's door and Russ shouts, "G'day Dave! What's up? Great to see you!
Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Crowe's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Crowe was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old mates from surfing days, let's fly up to Washington ."
And off they go.

At the White House, Barrack spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but here's you and your friend, come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, "This will never work.
I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the
time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by medics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, " It was the final straw - you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

Chimo
05-02-2009, 04:57 PM
Darwin Awards

> Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
>
>
> Here is the glorious winner:
>
> 1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
> This time it worked.
>
> And now, the honorable mentions:
>
> 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine, and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
>
> 3. A man named Dave who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>
> 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, Dave, a Zimbabwean bus driver, found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>
> 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>
> 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
> The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.

[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
>
> 7. Seems an Arkansas guy named Dave wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
> The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>
> 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID, to which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>
> 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
> When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
>
> 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle, Dave, declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
>
> *** Remember... They walk among us!!! *** ::)

sparkyice
05-02-2009, 09:50 PM
A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother in-law. On their third night in the wild, the mother-in-law went missing. Panicked, the wife woke her husband. He grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey and off they went looking for her. In a clearing they saw her, backed up against a thick, impenetrable vine, face-to-face with a huge, angry male lion. "What are we going to do?" cried the wife. "Nothing," replied the husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, and he can get himself out of it."

Jungle Jim
06-02-2009, 11:38 AM
On his way to work a man is sitting on the bus nervously looking at his phone
-expecting a call from his heavily pregnant wife any minute.
Shortly into the journey the phone rings and sure enough his wife has had the baby. He gets all the details lengths, weights, wards and hangs up.

Overcome with joy at the news of his first born- a lump forms in his throat, he excitedly stands up turns around and declares to the rest of the bus:
“I’m a dad - my wife’s just had a baby!!!”
The lady sitting next to him enquires “ That’s wonderful! What did she have?”
He replies:
“A baby dumbass!! Pay attention!!”

coucho
06-02-2009, 12:10 PM
> A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed
> to Nursery.
> The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
> insisted on NO baby talk!
> You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always
> reminding them.
> She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
> 'I went to visit my Nana'.
> No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
> Use 'Big People' words!'
> She then asked Mitchell what he had done
> 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
> She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
> You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
> She then asked little Alex what he had done?
> 'I read a book' he replied.
> That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
> 'What book did you read?'
> ( I love this.....)
> Alex thought real hard about it,
> then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
> 'Winnie the SHIT'.

coucho
06-02-2009, 03:12 PM
MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The federal government is sending some of us a $1000 rebate.


If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money goes to China.

If we spend it on fuel it will go to the Arabs.


If we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.


If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,Honduras,and Guatemala.


If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.


If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea.


And none of it will help the Australian economy.

If we put it into Telstra, it will go towards wages in India.


The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitues, gambling, wine and beer, since these are the only products
Still produced here in Australia.


Thank you for your help,


Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan

Chimo
06-02-2009, 05:13 PM
PLANNING THE WEEKEND

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young lady at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque.

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile: GOMs rule

Xahn1960
06-02-2009, 05:14 PM
$10.00 MONKEYS

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his
assistant would buy the monkeys on his behalf. In the absence of the man the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man comes back from the city you can sell them back to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!
It doesn't get much clearer than this...

sparkyice
06-02-2009, 09:49 PM
A six year-old boy joins his grandma to visit his grandpa in the hospital. When they get there, the little boy runs ahead and says to his grandpa, "As soon as grandma comes in the room, make a noise like a frog!" "Well, okay," answers Grandpa, "But why do you want me to do that?""Because," answered his grandson, "Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!"

charleville
07-02-2009, 05:38 AM
A guy is hitchhiking one dark and stormy night in the middle of nowhere. Lashing rain, miserable and tired, he has been standing on a small lonely road for ages.

Then, out of dark comes a car, silently and slowly. It has no lights on and stops beside him. Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, he opens passenger door and jumps in, just glad to be out of the elements.

As the car moves off, he notices that there is no one else in the car. He is worried to say the least! He gets more worried when the car comes to a corner and there is a sheer drop. Just as he is beginning to panic, a hand appears from the drivers side and grabs the steering wheel and turns it. The car safely navigates the corner, and the hand disappears.

The guy doesn't know what to make of this ghost car and the spooky hand, but its a lift and the weather is dire. Soon after, the car comes to another corner and there is a stone wall ahead. Again, at the last minute, the hand appears and steers the car safely around it.


The guy can stand no more close calls, and at the next safe straight section, he opens the door and jumps out. He legs it off into the night and doesnt stop running until he comes to a small town. He races into the bar and orders a double brandy to steady his nerves. The barman asks whats wrong, and the guy tells the story of the ghost car appearing from the dark, and the spooky hand that steers it. A crowd gathers about the guy as he tells his supernatural tale, and no one notices as two more men enter the pub.


"Look Mick," says one, "there is the ungrateful bastard that got into the car while we were trying to push start it!"



;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


.

Chimo
07-02-2009, 06:23 AM
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Murray Bridge, but I worked both sides of the River Murray!!!

Fatenhappy
07-02-2009, 03:48 PM
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. YoungBill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the Reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bitof a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again! ;D

PinHead
08-02-2009, 06:37 AM
HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZULLANDER
READ THESE ALOUD
• Milburn – capital of Victoria
• Peck – to fill a suitcase
• Pissed aside – chemical which kills insects
• Pigs – for hanging out washing with
• Pug – large pink animal with a curly tail
• Nin tin dough – computer game
• Munner stroney – soup
• Min – male of the species
• Mess Kara – eye makeup
• McKennock – person who fixes cars
• Mere – Mayor
• Leather – foam produced from soap
• Lift – departed
• Kin Pecker – famous Aussie businessman
• Kittle crusps – potato chips
• Ken's – Cairns
• Jungle Bills – Christmas carol
• Inner me – enemy
• Guess – vapour
• Fush – marine creatures
• Fitter cheney – type of pasta
• Ever cardeau – avocado
• Fear hear – blonde
• Ear – mix of nitrogen and oxygen
• Ear roebucks – exercise at the gym
• Duffy cult – not very easy
• Amejen – visualise
• Chuck – very young poultry
• Big hut – popular recording
• Bun button – been bitten by insect
• Beard – place to sleep
• Sucks peck – half a dozen beers
• Ear New Zulland – an extinct airline
• Beers – large savage animals found in US forests
• Veerjun – a mythical New Zealand maiden
• One doze – well known computer operating system
• Brudge – structure spanning a stream
• Sex – one less than seven
• Tin – one more than nine
• Iggs Ecktly – precisely
• Cuds – children
• Pits – domestic animals
• Cuttin – baby cat
• Sivven Sucks Sivven – large boeing aircraft
• Sivven Four Sivven – large boeing aircraft
• Earplane – large flying machine
• Beggage Chucken – place to leave your suitcase at the earport

PinHead
08-02-2009, 06:39 AM
Aminister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind'
The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'?

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'

PinHead
08-02-2009, 06:42 AM
And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

Scott nthQld
09-02-2009, 01:35 PM
WOMEN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to `how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Men's Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

coucho
10-02-2009, 03:18 PM
A FATHERS RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER
RULE NE
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
RULE TWO
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
RULE THREE
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
RULE FOUR
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex and my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE FIVE
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You have already provided your Name, Date of Birth and SSN for a full background check at the driveway.
RULE SIX
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

RULE SEVEN
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
-Places where there are no parents, policemen, or surveillance cameras within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
-Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
-Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games and NASCAR are okay. Old folks homes are better.
RULE NINE
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, quick lime, a shovel, and a friend who owns an orchard. Do not mess with me.
RULE TEN
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rooftop in Baghdad. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Watch for the trip wire.

coucho
10-02-2009, 03:24 PM
Worlds Shortest Fairytale!


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl,
"Will you marry me?" The girl said "No"
And he lived happily ever after and went fishing, drank beer with friends, played golf whenever he wanted, farted whenever he felt like it and was turely happy forerver


The End

coucho
10-02-2009, 03:29 PM
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING.
I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND
SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER.


MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR
THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING,
BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID,
YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,
LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.
WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO
THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE
DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK."

OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.


SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME
OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND
DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".



AND I JUST SAT THERE...






ON THE COUCH...







NAKED

coucho
10-02-2009, 03:35 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the te n the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Pete62
10-02-2009, 03:39 PM
Now that's funny, thanks Coucho

Rufus
12-02-2009, 10:17 AM
THE AUSTRALIAN
APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager ask, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
'The young man answered 'Yeah,
'I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' 8-)

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,

'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

'The Aussie said 'One!' ;)

The Manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

'How much was the sale for?'
'‘Ł124,237.64p.‘ ;D

The Mmanager choked and exclaimed Ł124,237.64!! What the 'hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.’

‘Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.’
‘Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4'

The Manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... :P


'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.' :D

Xahn1960
12-02-2009, 10:50 AM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.

Everything clear?

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda headed for the door.

'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'

'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing I n the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

Chimo
13-02-2009, 02:15 PM
POKER

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did. Bob's wife said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife:
'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered
'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat
when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?' Sue, using her best poker face,
replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the
office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

GES
14-02-2009, 10:19 AM
Postman Pats' Retirement

Postman Pat got out of bed on a beautiful sunny morning. He thought to himself "Well, this is my last day of work. After thirty five years of delivering the mail, I am going to retire."

He put on his postmans' uniform for the last time, fed his black and white cat, and, as he was running a little late, he only had time for a quick cup of coffee, then climbed into his little red postmans van and off he went to work for the very last time.

He turned into the first street and as he pulled up at the front door to deliver the mail, the occupant came out, gave him a hug and a cheque for fifty pounds to thank him for his thirty five years of service.

Pat went on to the second house where he was presented with a gold watch and the gratitude of the householders for his service.

On he went to the third house where he was given a bottle of fifteen year old malt scotch whiskey and a pat on the back with the extreme gratitude of the householders.

As Pat drove up to the fourth house he saw a delicious blonde woman standing at the front gate waiting for him. She was dressed in her skimpiest negligee and as Pat got out of his little van she took him by the arm, escorted him into the house and upstairs to her bedroom where she blew his mind with her passion.

When Pat was entirley satisfied she took him downstairs to her kitchen where she served him a wonderful breakfast of eggs, ham, tomato and freshly squeezed orange juice. She then gave him a cup of coffee made just how he liked it.

At the end of the meal he noticed that there was a five pound note sticking out from under the saucer.

He said to the woman "Thank you very much. That was a truely memorable experience. But, what is the five pounds for?"

She said " Well, I spoke to my husband last night and I told him that this was your last day at work Pat and that we should do something for you to show our appreciation of your thirty five years of devoted service to us.
I asked him what he thought we should give you and he said " Screw him.... Give him five pounds. And, she said shyly, the breakfast was my idea."

GES

mowerman
14-02-2009, 10:25 PM
greenie revenge!

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, and told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor, who was no environmentalist, listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area' . ...




Rod

tinman42
17-02-2009, 11:05 AM
"The only true wilderness is between a greenies ears!"

STUIE63
17-02-2009, 11:56 AM
The Tunnel



Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Xahn1960
17-02-2009, 12:17 PM
A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all
part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other
employees".


The cannibals promised they would not.


Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"


The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".


After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"


A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers
and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to
go and eat someone important!!!!"

BGG
18-02-2009, 02:35 PM
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out
on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you
don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I
found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and
the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's
correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last
two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an #######!' and hung
up.

I wrote his number down with the word '#######' next to it,and put it in my desk
drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call
him up and yell, 'You're an #######!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '#######' calling would
have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an #######!' and hung
up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy
in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit
the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a ! 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ####### (I had his number on
speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW #######,too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and the car's parked right
out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an #######!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two #######s to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called ####### #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an #######!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah,'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, '#######, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . I have a black Beamer
parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your
prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, #######,' and hung up.

Then I called ####### #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, #######,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, #######, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way home to kill my gay
lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd.
in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two #######s beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a
news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

akman1
18-02-2009, 06:04 PM
might have to try that one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :cool:

Chimo
19-02-2009, 10:44 AM
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"Hey, I know of a great new act for your circus. A talking duck!
He talks, drinks beer and, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I have the perfect job for you, paying really good money."

”Really!”, says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"Yep," replies the barman.

"That place with the big tent?" asks the duck.

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Yep," the barman replies.

"With the canvas tent and the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says …………………

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!">

STUIE63
20-02-2009, 11:28 AM
ECONOMIC uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last few days Tokyo's Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Investments announced plans to cut branches. Yesterday it was reported that Karaoke City Bank is up for sale and likely to go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze nosedived. Yokohama-based Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore 540 staff at Nagasaki's Karate Bank got the chop and financial analysts suspect that something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff will get a raw deal.

charleville
20-02-2009, 05:53 PM
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'


'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'


The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'


'1955, ma'am.'


'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!' She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.


Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'


The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'


(Gotta love military time!)


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D



.

charleville
20-02-2009, 05:58 PM
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.




;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


.

charleville
20-02-2009, 06:15 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'



He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'



;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


.

maztez
21-02-2009, 07:41 AM
your a sick puppy Charly

FISHNICK
21-02-2009, 09:08 AM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he
said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd
shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

FISHNICK
21-02-2009, 10:01 AM
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'egg again! If I get an egg sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the egg sandwich and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me.... The idiot packed his own lunch.'

FISHNICK
21-02-2009, 10:40 AM
The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

sandman55
21-02-2009, 10:27 PM
This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

finga
22-02-2009, 01:05 PM
Hundreds Attend Protest Against Global Warming

(click on the picture for the joke)

FNQCairns
23-02-2009, 10:10 AM
First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

FNQCairns
23-02-2009, 12:06 PM
The Good Grandpa

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."


Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.




"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve."

TimiBoy
26-02-2009, 03:55 PM
> > >A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
> > >He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
> > >wondering what could have happened to her.
> > >
> > >Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
> > >couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
> > >says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad
> > >news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
> > >
> > >
> > >'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'
> > >The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
> > >Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
> > >reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
> > >
> > >
> > >The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
> > >of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
> > >what the good news is.
> > >
> > >The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
> > >really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
> > >we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
> > >couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
> > >
> > >
> > >'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
> > >that... so what's the other possible good news?'
> > >
> > >
> > >'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
> > >here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
> > >and pull her up again!'

Sea-Dog
26-02-2009, 06:42 PM
Please, no more repeats of the Diving accident/Crab bait joke.

That last one makes 7 appearances here.

mowerman
26-02-2009, 09:25 PM
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney — can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.
________________________________




Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where you come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a drop bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

TimiBoy
27-02-2009, 06:30 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPYChyfxWNs

superb!

charleville
02-03-2009, 01:51 AM
Two old women were tending the garden and one pulls up two large potatoes
and shows the big round potatoes to her friend holding one in each hand.
"Reminds me of my Angus' privates !"


Her friend's jaw drops and asks "Your Angus is really that big?'


........"nope, that dirty"



;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


.

BGG
02-03-2009, 07:20 PM
Amazing close up picture of a seahorse.

42873

sparkyice
03-03-2009, 02:24 AM
i once saw a horsefly

STUIE63
03-03-2009, 09:40 AM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.



Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now.'

STUIE63
03-03-2009, 09:58 AM
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the

message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland , staff voted unanimously

to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and

parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing

homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's

failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were

absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school

work to pass their classes.





The outgoing message:







Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen

to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your

newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0



If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable

and responsible for his/her own behaviour,class work, homework and that it's

not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:

Hang up and have a nice day!



If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

Chimo
03-03-2009, 10:34 AM
Cowboys


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.


One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.


Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)

BGG
04-03-2009, 06:19 PM
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

tropicrows
05-03-2009, 01:20 PM
Two blonde girls were working for the city council public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it _ why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

reidy
05-03-2009, 01:41 PM
woman is driving down the road, a man driving past screams out fat cow,woman replys bald ########.She drives around a corner and hits a cow.Moral women just dont listen.
Cheers
Reidy

Omskdapomski
05-03-2009, 02:49 PM
Just as a young man puts a large salmon, he's taken illegally from the river, into the boot of his car, a ranger comes up and tries to arrest him for illegally fishing.
The young fellow explains that he didn't catch the salmon, it's his pet salmon that he brings down everyday to the water to have a swim, and then takes him back home to his tank after his swim.
The ranger is pretty sceptical about the whole thing but the young fellow offers to show the official how he's trained the salmon and together they go down to the water, the young fellow tenderly places his fish into the water, where it swims off into the reeds.
They both stand there a few minutes and then the ranger turns and says, "so how long before he comes back?"
And the young fellow says, "until who comes back?":D

Chimo
05-03-2009, 08:05 PM
It all makes sense...Banking explained



Linda is the proprietor of a bar in Cork. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Linda's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Linda increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Linda's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due to his negativity) of the bank decides that the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Linda's bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Linda cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Linda's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties (and vested interests).

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation we can all understand...

BGG
06-03-2009, 01:32 PM
Hypnosis
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having.

All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

sparkyice
07-03-2009, 03:19 AM
should the Department of Aging have


" D.O.A. "


printed on it's official leterhead?

Tezza@Tannum
07-03-2009, 05:31 AM
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

danryan75
07-03-2009, 09:38 AM
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on

'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.



He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'


She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'


It took five minutes to restore order in the classroom.

charleville
10-03-2009, 02:27 PM
GOD BLESS THE IRISH




The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkoz y sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'



;D ;D ;D ;D ;D



.

Chimo
12-03-2009, 03:49 PM
The Bunny and the Snake


Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny
was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the
forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny,

'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I
don't even know what I am.'

It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too
have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what,
maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at
least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,
and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management or a politician.'

dreemon
13-03-2009, 07:43 AM
How do you get an 87 year old lady to say th " F " Word ?


Have anouther 87 yr old lady yell out BINGO !

coucho
13-03-2009, 08:47 AM
How to go camping with your mates Aussie style

Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks" Mick left to go back home to the missus.
Later when Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week, who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?" they asked
"I didn't have to," was Mick's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".
"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want."

" SO HERE I AM"

BGG
13-03-2009, 10:23 AM
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO Paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where Skillful hands would be beneficial; He decided
to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

*Pokey*
13-03-2009, 11:26 AM
Japanese Fart

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:

'Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'

TimiBoy
13-03-2009, 09:46 PM
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age!

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother angrily . "He's taken her liver out!"


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said " ...morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh1t."


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
I mean really, how could anyone stoop so low?

Nanny King NQ
14-03-2009, 05:48 AM
Why dont cannabils eat clowns??

Nanny King NQ
14-03-2009, 05:48 AM
Because they taste funny

Mac1952
14-03-2009, 05:17 PM
Bankruptcy: How it all started.

I all began in the early sixties, when Pounds & Shillings became Dollars, thereby more than doubling my overdraft at the bank. I was just getting used to this, when they brought in Kilograms in place of Pounds and Ounces, and my f%$#@*& crop was halved overnight.http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/../yabbfiles/Templates/Forum/default/angry.gif
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/../yabbfiles/Templates/Forum/default/shocked.gif Then rainfall was changed from Inches to Millimeters, and ever since we havan't had a single bloody inch of rain. And what do they do next? Bring in a thing called Celsius, and the temperature drops by twenty degrees. No f#@$%& wonder my corn wouldn't grow again!!
>:( As if this wasn't enough, they changed land from Acres to Hectares, and the farm I originally inherited was now less than half of it's previous size.
This was when I finally decided to sell up. And believe it or not: Miles got changed to Kilometers.
Now my property is so %&$#@ far out of town, nobody is interested in buying it!!

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/../yabbfiles/Templates/Forum/default/sad.gifI'm going on the dole...............

TimiBoy
16-03-2009, 08:59 AM
The Top 10 Ways to Tell if You Might Be a Member of the Taliban:

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look big?'
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

The-easyrider
16-03-2009, 10:56 AM
Three kids fishing....


Kevin Rudd was out jogging one morning along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House
in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below. Before the
Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Movie World in QLD' Kevin said, 'No problem, I'll
take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo 'SHARK' bathers.' Kevin said, 'I'll
get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!'

wags on the water
17-03-2009, 06:00 AM
Be Careful - A ' heads up ' for those men who may be regular Bunnings

customers.





Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out Shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don' t be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.



Here's how the scam works:



Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a Rag and Windex, with their boobs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they Say ' No ' and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings store. You agree and they get in the back-seat.



On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the

front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your

wallet.



I have had my wallet stolen on June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,

20th, 24th and 29th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, three times

last Saturday and very likely again this weekend.



So tell your friends to be careful.



P.S. Coles has wallets on sale for $4.95

Alan Hawk
17-03-2009, 06:06 AM
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After
fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel
tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it
again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions.



This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s*** on its head


http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/images/icons/icon7.gif

Nanny King NQ
17-03-2009, 11:14 PM
Why are pirates pirates?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Because they Arrrrrrr!

dnej
18-03-2009, 04:45 PM
Fisherman Dies, after naming boat, after his wife.
http://justjules.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/lardass.jpg

Breambuster33
18-03-2009, 05:15 PM
Why are pirates pirates?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Because they Arrrrrrr!

Do they get any cornier :))) lol

STUIE63
19-03-2009, 10:43 AM
MP
A woman comes into a barber shop with her son for his haircut, but when she tries to pay the bill, the barber replies 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The woman is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
A cop comes in for a haircut, but when he tries to pay his bill, the barber replies 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a university lecturer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The lecturer is very happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

snasman
19-03-2009, 03:24 PM
An AFP officer stops at a farm in Queensland and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The AFP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister! I have the authority of The Federal Government with me!' Reaching into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the AFP officer running for his life and close behind is the farmers bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified. The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....






'Your Badge! Show Him Your Badge!!!

rando
19-03-2009, 10:47 PM
An 84 year old classical violinist, meets a beautiful 22 year old music student.
Their shared interest leads them to spend increasing amounts of time together.
His vast musical & life experience, his elegance,manners , and gentle demeanor, cause her to become smitten by him.
He in turn finds her youth beauty and Joie de vive, enchanting .
They marry.
He promises her the most romantic honeymoon imaginable:
Sailing a dhow down the Nile to Abu Simbal.
An African Safari by Hot air balloon to watch the migrating herds.
A sking trip to Saint Moritz
with his good friend the Olympic Slalom champion as her guide and instuctor.

Taking a tramp Steamer up the Amazon.

The Captain of the steamer( a veritable rogue) sees the beautiful young thing with the old gentleman and decides he might cockold the old fellow.

The Captain invites them to his table for dinner, and plys the old fellow with brandy and by dinners end the musician is well oiled.
After dinner he produces some cigars and offers the musician an after dinner smoke, which is accept .
The young lady absents herself being a non smoker.

The Captain sets the old bloke up

He says to the old fellow
"I can't help but notice the age difference between you and your wife. Are you not concerned that some unscrupulous type would try to steal so beautiful a woman at one of your concerts
The old bloke says

"Not at all" my wife is the very epitome of virtue and loyalty.

Ahh but women,they are all the same are all the same ..... says the captain
and regales him with tales of being cheated and bewitched and broken hearted.

Again the musician defends his wife, OH No That is not in my wifes nature!!!.

Ill bet you she can be seduced, they all can, says the captian . In fact ILL bet you my ship againt your stadivarius . I myself can persuade her to be unfaithful tonight.

The musician thinks his delightful refined young bride could never be attracted to this Sailor who has been in every squalid bar in every nasty port in every ocean in the world. Plus he is tanked to the eyeballs on brandy.

ITs A Bet he says.

In a flash The Captain is gone from the saloon.

The musician now realises what he has done , but being a gentleman wont welsh the bet.

So he hurries to their cabin ,and finds the door locked.
He can not hear anything from inside because of the ships noise.
So he puts his mouth near the keyhole and says a little poem of encouragement

BE TRUE MY LOVE
BE TRUE MY LOVE
BE TRUE FOR JUST ONE HOUR
JUST CROSS YOUR LEGS, YOUR HUSBAND BEGS
AND THEN THIS SHIP IS OURS....




From in the cabin She replies:


TOO LATE MY LOVE
TO LATE MY LOVE
HE HAS GRASPED ME BY MY MIDDLE
HE'S LOCKED THE DOOR
WE'RE ON THE FLOOR........


OOOOHHHHH!!!!! OOOOHHHH!!!!

THERE GOES YOUR FIDDLE!!!


;D;D;D

Chimo
20-03-2009, 10:28 AM
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge .


She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.



He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes & thought, "After all, what do I have to lose?"

Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"

She explained "I get food and free passage to Europe , and he's screwing me."

''He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry. "




Don't miss the Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"?

"Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."

GutterGuide
21-03-2009, 10:45 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'

TimiBoy
22-03-2009, 12:48 PM
I checked them, most are legitimate.


No one realises they should take on more time researching, before
forming website addresses.


All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend
quite enough time considering how their online names
might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourselves!


1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of
the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site
is
www.whorepresents.com (http://www.whorepresents.com/)



2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where
programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com (http://www.expertsexchange.com/)


3 Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net (http://www.penisland.net/)



4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com (http://www.therapistfinder.com/)



5. There's the Italian Power Generating company,
www.powergenitalia.com (http://www.powergenitalia.com/)



6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in
New South Wales ,

www.molestationnursery.com (http://www.molestationnursery.com/)



7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's
always

www.ipanywhere.com (http://www.ipanywhere.com/)



8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
www.cummingfirst.com (http://www.cummingfirst.com/)



9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their
wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com (http://www.speedofart.com/)

snagking
22-03-2009, 09:34 PM
Thats hilarious, I love those websites timboy

Scott nthQld
24-03-2009, 09:08 AM
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?


A: A bad golfer goes `Whack, Dang!' A bad skydiver goes `Dang! Whack'.

Donny Boy
24-03-2009, 10:16 AM
On an Ocean Cruise the Main Entertainment act was a Magician.

The support act was all about smart animals, and whenever the Magician performed, a Parrot just off stage would yell out " It's up his Sleeve !!" or "It's down his Pants !!" or "She stepped out thru a false door !!"

Killed the act EVERY NIGHT !!!!

One night, during the Act, the Ships' Boilers Blew..............Ka-Boom !

.....and the Magician found himself on a plank of wood, with only the Parrot for company.......for four days.

Parrot didn't say a bloody thing all that time, but as they were being rescued, the Parrot says

................." OK, You've got me !!! What the hell did you do with the Ship ???"

Chimo
24-03-2009, 11:41 AM
Its not that funny really, more sad but anyhooo.........

THIS WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia '
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

Chimo
25-03-2009, 09:48 AM
Rural Australian Computer Terminology
(A bit of Aussie culcha)

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

Chimo
25-03-2009, 05:04 PM
Quote of the day from Judge Judy;

Judge Judy to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped? '

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced..'

Chimo
25-03-2009, 05:19 PM
And from the Doctors:D

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .

Dr. wouldn't submit his name!::)

BGG
25-03-2009, 07:40 PM
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:-

Artery........................ The study of paintings.

Bacteria...................... Back door to cafeteria.


Barium....................... What doctors do when patients die.


Benign....................... ..What you be, after you be eight.


Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome .


Catscan....................... Searching for Kitty.


Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her.


Colic......................... A sheep dog.


Coma.......................... A punctuation mark.


Dilate........................ To live long.


Enema......................... Not a friend.


Fester........................ Quicker than someone else.


Fibula...................... A small lie.


Impotent..................... Distinguished, well known.


Labour Pain..................Getting hurt at work.


Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.


Morbid........................ A higher offer.


Nitrates...................... Cheaper than day rates.


Node.......................... I knew it.


Outpatient.................... A person who has fainted.


Pelvis........................ Second cousin to Elvis.


Post Operative................. A letter carrier.


Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.


Rectum........................ Nearly killed him.


Secretion..................... Hiding something.


Seizure..........................Roman emperor.


Tablet........................... A small table.


Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.


Tumour...........................One plus one more.


Urine............................. Opposite of you're out.


2xCondoms......................To be sure, to be sure

Chimo
25-03-2009, 08:46 PM
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked: 'Do you know what your a%^hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied 'Probably drinking beer with his mates.'

It took 15 minutes to restore order in the classroom...

moorie86
26-03-2009, 01:33 AM
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.




She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young]sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.

He took pity on her and said 'Look, you have so much to live for]I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my shipI'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.
[Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'The girl nodded yes. 'After all, what do I have to lose?'Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning]That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboatFrom then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawnThree weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain ..'What are you doing here?' the captain asked, I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away'she explained 'I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me.'''He certainly is,' the captain said. 'This is the Manly Ferry.
;D;D;D ;D

BGG
26-03-2009, 03:00 PM
Once upon a time, a beautiful young antelope was going to the party of the year. Excited, she put on a fancy new outfit, make-up, great shoes, perfume, the works. Suddenly, she was stampeded by a herd of buffalo, turning her into a self-dressed stamped antelope.

Chimo
26-03-2009, 08:30 PM
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:BFEBB2EF8E8A477BB55F42F05DBF0376@USER078455F0E 6

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider This . . .
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better?

Chimo
26-03-2009, 08:34 PM
Only an Aussie man can make you feel like a woman -

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'
she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of
the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'