Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sparkyice]

i know a fellow who did just that!
not with all the drama, not as high, but he ended up with nasty rope burns when his hands hit the pulley.
his idea was to ride the rope up so he wouldn't have to climb the ladder.
he didn't account for the fact that he had hold of the rope some 6.5' off the ground when the load started down.
had he a little more slack he'd been ok.

[reelcrazy]

Subject: Delicate Operation

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible
bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined
the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with
time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

[revs57]

The Old Gas Station

The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.

She tripped and fell -- got up,
And then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set and then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough, to speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole? We're painting under here"

[Xahn1960]

There were two golfers on the golf course.
One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and
asked his friend fo a light.
His friend pulled out a 12inch Bic lighter.
"Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?" " Oh, my genie gave it to me."
"Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
"He is in my golf bag."
The friend says, "can I see him?" His friend
says "Yes, sure!" So the friend looks in the
bag and out comes the genie. The man says
to the genie; "I am your masters best friend.
would you grant me just one wish?" The genie
says "Yes, just one wish". So the man wishes
for a million bucks. The genie goes back into
the bag without saying a word. Pretty soon,
the sky starts getting dark. Then it gets even darker.
The man looks up and sees a million ducks flying
over. He gets real upset, and says "what is the
matter with your genie? is he hard of hearing? I
said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks."
His friend says to him: "Do you really think I asked
for a 12 inch Bic?"

[Xahn1960]

LITTLE Mark ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

[revs57]

Craig Bellamy approached Willie Mason in the dressing room prior to origin 3 and said, " You failed an IQ test therefore you should not play today. However if you can give the correct answer to one question then the committee will let you play"

“OK what is the question?” asked Mason.

“What is the sum of 2 plus 2?” asked Bellamy.

After some thought Mason replied, "4".

Bellamy stood amazed for a few moments, then he heard a call from the rest of the team, "Gee, come on coach, give him another chance."

[BGG]

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE

'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine
inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yep.'

'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate

[reelcrazy]

A plane was taking off from Brisbane Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number Q2293, nonstop from Brisbane to Perth. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in economy yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

[just jude]

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE
GENERAL 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3.It's tacky to take an esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeralDINING OUT 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no - it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING 1
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date. :P 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: Say......"I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place) 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. .4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight. 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. ;)

[Lancair]

During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah..."
After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was,
"You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a b***j** right about now..."
Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue. While scurrying past the first class section, a passenger raised his hand and was heard to say, "Don't forget the coffee!!!"

[BREEZE470]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

[reelcrazy]

Three Australians and three Kiwis are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Australians buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Kiwis. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Australians

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats
but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."


The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save
some money .


When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at
all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Kiwi .
"Watch and learn bro ," answers an Aussie..


When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train
departs.


Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."

[Donny Boy]

Willie Mason appeared on "Sale of the Century"
Remarkably, he made it all the way through, and had only one question to answer for a Million Bucks.
The compere asked the question....."What do the letters FBI stand for ??"
Quick as a flash, Willie said " The CIA !!!"

[mowerman]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

[Scott nthQld]

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

[sparkyice]

Praise the lord for Grandma


She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and
smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my
brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.


Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[sparkyice]

The Italian Loan

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and
asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer
that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks
and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need
some form of security for the loan, so the Italian
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Italian produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a
$250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the$5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer
said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were
away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replied: "Minga, where else in New York City
can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

[windows]

Bluey, Spider and Jacko are out fishing in their boat when a wave washes Jacko overboard and he sinks without a trace. Bluey says to Spider "Well one of us has to go and break the sad news to Jacko's missus." Spider says "Well, Bluey , you're a lot more sensitive than me so you better do it, mate."
So Bluey sets off. About an hour later Bluey's back and he's got a slab of Gold cans on his shoulder. Spider says "What's the go with the carton?"
"Oh, Jacko's missus gave it to me"
"You mean to say you went round to tell her what happened and she gave you a box of golds?"
"Well yeah. I knocked on the door and when she answered I said 'You must be Jacko's widow'
She said 'No I'm not, he's out fishing with his mates' "
"And I said 'I'll bet ya a carton you are!' "

[BGG]

WHY BEER IS GOOD!
"Well ya see, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[maztez]

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow Library and says to the prim librarian,"excuse me miss ,dey ye hiv any books on suicide ?"
To which she stops doing her tasks , looks at him over the top of her glasses and says ,
"fook off ,ye'll no bring it back!"

[slyman]

Did you know that copper wire was invented by the Scottish?

Apparently it was invented after two Scots were fighting over a penny.

[Oh Gee]

I was working with a scotsman, and one day out at the smoko van he dropped a dollar coin. It hit him on the back of his neck.

[coucho]

The Harley-Davidson Facts



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[reelcrazy]

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland.

Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works .

He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

Sadly Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home,

His wife contacted the Police to investigate him missing .


They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt .


Beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.


Headlines next day in the Irish Times Newspaper.....................





OYSTERS KILL PATRICK

[Mad-One]

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE

'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine
inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yep.'
'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate

[baitwaster]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English
language).

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
'cause I still have mine."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your Honour," the husband said. "And every now and then,
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "Idon't like
the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I
now pronounce you man and wife."

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and
hangs up.

[charleville]

In a recent survey, people from Sydney have
proved to be the most likely to have had sex
in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries
firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Sydney residents
said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


.

[sandbankmagnet]

72.49% of statistics are made up.

[mowerman]

True' Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap


Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?


Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.


You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.


2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.


3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.


4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.


5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining.


6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.


7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.


8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.


9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
'because you are my friend'.





Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it,
but only you can feel the true warmth.

[BGG]

Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter .'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave .

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
' Dave , wake up, you drunken b@stard. You've sh)t the bed !!'

[2manylures]

THIS IS'T A JOKE AS SUCH, MORE OF A REALITY. JUST HAD IT SENT TO ME.


CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940's, 50's, 60's, 70's


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.



Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.



We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.



As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.



Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.



Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.



We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......



WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!



We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.



No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.



We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.



We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!




We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.




Only girls had pierced ears!




We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever..




You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...




We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,



We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!


Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!




RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on


MERIT





Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully’s always ruled the playground at school.







The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.


They actually sided with the law!




Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'










We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!




And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

[ffejsmada]

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his
wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will
give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he
said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her
brother 'Don't eat it, it's an ar%^hole!’

[bbayjohn]

This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.



A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!"

The person says, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work."

[Dezzer]

That may have been nominated but I reckon the one above beats it by a mile.

[Scott nthQld]

At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!"

[Scott nthQld]

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.

The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

[2manylures]

A young bloke who lives miles out of town hitchhikes in to buy a new pushbike, his only means of transport.
He enters the local bike shop & sees this absolute ripper with all the good gear including beautiful chrome handle bars & mud guards.
He decides on this bike, pays the sales person but being a little concerned about the chrome bits rusting he asks ~ Just in case it rains, how do I protect the chrome? To which the salesman replies ~ Just smear a bit of vaseline on it.

He climbs aboard & heads off home only to find he’s left a little late and it’s getting dark.
Being concerned about riding at night he pulls into a farmhouse and asks if he can stay the night, the barn being fine.
The farmer gives him the nod & invites him to have dinner with himself & the family to which he gracefully accepts.

Just prior to starting dinner with the farmer, his wife & two daughters, the farmer advises the young bloke that the 1st person to talk after dinner has to do the dishes.
Not thinking much of this he accepts the ruling and sits down to eat with the family.
A lovely meal is had along with pleasant conversation during dinner but once finished everyone is sitting quietly like stunned mullets, not saying a word.

A couple of hours go by & still no-one says a bloody word.
The young bloke thinks to himself “Bugger This” so he grabs a daughter, throws her on the table & has his way with her; Still no-one says a word.
More time elapses without a word spoken so he does the same thing to the 2nd daughter, still no-one says a word.
He sits back & has a long hard think, gets up, grabs Mum, smacks her around a bit, very violently throws her on the kitchen table in front of the old man and brutally has his way with her.
Still no-one says a thing & as he’s getting dressed he hears the pitter-patter of rain on the roof & asks “has anyone got any Vaseline?”
The old man immediately jumps up & says F*** it, I’ll do the dishes!

[danryan75]

WIN TICKETS TO THE CHINESE OLYMPICS ......GET READY
FOR THE
PRIZE THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE



I T'S TRUE !!!!!!



YOU GET 8 TICKETS TO ALL THE EVENTS,4 HOTEL
ROOMS,FOOD,
CAR & FREE ROUND TRIP AIR FAIR. FOR 21 DAYS IN
CHINA .



GOOD LUCK!






Just answer the following questions to win tickets
to the Olympic games.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?

6. Which two just finished a joint?





I guess you're not going either!!!

[2manylures]

1st time. Hope it works ok.

http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll311/mray-oz/th_FirstBeer_11.jpg (http://s291.photobucket.com/albums/ll311/mray-oz/?action=view&current=FirstBeer_11.flv)

[Sea-Dog]

Just answer the following questions to win tickets
to the Olympic games.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?

6. Which two just finished a joint?


Question 6 is easy - The ones with the "Chinese" eyes :P

[2manylures]

http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll311/mray-oz/th_Lookout.jpg (http://s291.photobucket.com/albums/ll311/mray-oz/?action=view&current=Lookout.flv)

[marty+jojo]

http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll311/mray-oz/th_Lookout.jpg (http://s291.photobucket.com/albums/ll311/mray-oz/?action=view&current=Lookout.flv)

Holy crap!!!!!

[Outsider1]

Holy crap!!!!!

Wicked isn't it!!!:LOL:

Cheers

Dave

[2manylures]

If ya think blondes are brainless have a go at this .... I'm lost for words trying to describe this sheila.:o :o :o :o :o Some people simply leave you speechless.:-X :-X :-X :-X :-X

You'll need FULL SCREEN to pick up the good bits.


http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll311/mray-oz/th_ATT00076.jpg (http://s291.photobucket.com/albums/ll311/mray-oz/?action=view&current=ATT00076.flv)

[foggy]

Dear fellow ###########

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs
up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently
although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends
from work, you don't know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but
I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with
my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on
her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my fishing rods so I
could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a
night out with 'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which
was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them
on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my fishing rods, that I
noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my
Loomis pitching stick.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
Bass-pro shop where I bought it?

[Cammy]

WIN TICKETS TO THE CHINESE OLYMPICS ......GET READY
FOR THE
PRIZE THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE



I T'S TRUE !!!!!!



YOU GET 8 TICKETS TO ALL THE EVENTS,4 HOTEL
ROOMS,FOOD,
CAR & FREE ROUND TRIP AIR FAIR. FOR 21 DAYS IN
CHINA .



GOOD LUCK!






Just answer the following questions to win tickets
to the Olympic games.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?

6. Which two just finished a joint?





I guess you're not going either!!!


Top right 2 ppl r guys and they are the twins, left side, girl in the blue and the girl next to her are twins the teacher is next to her, the girl up the back in the blue just finished a joint and the small guy in the front row on the left finished a joint, they all look tired, and there are 7 girls in the group.

Think about it;)

Cam

[Xahn1960]

Woman Golfer

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit
the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock
to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a
mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of
the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..



Moral of the story: Women are really
dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen!!!

[Xahn1960]

The 9 Words Women use...

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[2manylures]

The 9 Words Women use...

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

Bloody funny that champ, I'm surrounded by what I call "Huffers":(

My 10yr old heeler X koolie bitch does the same if I ask her to do something she doesn't feel like doing.:-X

She'll lay down with the head between the front paws, take a deep breathe & blow it out her nose.:o

Is it any wonder us blokes have feelings of inadequacy?;)

I now know why blokes invented "sheds"

[BGG]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf, hockey and do lots of things that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch!

[Chimo]

Creation Or Evolution?

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear. The father answered,

'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered

'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

The confused girl returned to her father and said,

'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mum said they came from monkeys

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers8-)

[Hornet Rider]

World Submarine Racing Championships.......

[Chimo]

HR

Based on the above might I suggest you get some sleep instead of hanging around here at 1.30 Am or perhaps I need t relook at the submarines at 130AM so I might get it!

How goes the 70 instal?

Cheers
Chimo

[mowerman]

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL
ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,

"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,"



WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.



BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.'

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL
SOVIET COSMONAUT.



HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR
AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMMES. OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG
AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY...' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG
ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
fOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO
ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH
LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE
MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS GORSKY
SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

'SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE
MOON!'

[mowerman]

Bears in the woods

[ttone]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

[FNQCairns]

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:002501c8f292$628ddb30$0502a8c0@home




http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:002501c8f292$628ddb30$0502a8c0@home

[harry_h01]

....
32423

[ttone]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

[Chimo]

With Xmas drawing ever closer its time to start thinking about meaninful gifts so:-
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Tracker]

itit:argue::LMAO::LMAO::LMAO:

[Scott nthQld]

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, "Why did you do that?"
The man replies, "Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do."

[coucho]

Irish Sausages.
"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
Then, warming to his theme, he went on,"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?"
"Would ya? Would Ya?"
The assistant said: "Well no."
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Bunnings".

[Sea-Dog]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons'

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) a sore ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

[Outsider1]

Sick of Telemarketers?, here is an idea!!

A6pRRSHVzaE

Cheers

Dave

[ffejsmada]

3 old blokes having a disussion about the vagaries of old age. The 70 year old said,"70 is a bugger of an age, I stand at the dunny for hours, busting for a leak but alas, just the odd dribble."
"Ah thats nothin'" said the 80 year old, "I don't have bowel movements any more. I take laxatives and eat shitloads of bran, sit on the dunny all day, but alas, just the odd fart."
"Actually" said the 90 year old. "90 is definitely the worst age to be."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 70 year old
"No, I pee every morning at 6, I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock"
"So you have trouble with bowel movements?" asked the 80 year old.
"No I have one at 6.30 every morning."
"So whats so tough about being 90?" chorused the youngsters.
"Well, I don't wake up until 7.00";D

[BGG]

At Last, A Smart Blonde

"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago, and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year: namely that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
'Hel-loooooo!!' (I told him). 'It's been a year!'

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up... he hasn't called back.

Probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate MY intelligence again!"

[Chimo]

Childbirth at 65


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!' ::)

[sparkyice]

if a man, fishing alone in a boat out a sea, made a statement that his wife could not hear,would he still be wrong???

[charleville]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Angus standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small Australian flags mounted on either side of it.

The little fella had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Angus.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'


Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.


Finally, little Angus' voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?



;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


.

[Tezza@Tannum]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??



WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the but ton. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?



There I sat in my recliner, our cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!



I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?



The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!



P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[Cammy]

^^^^^^
Hahahahahahaha! HA!

Cam

[Cammy]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She
just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my
bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Cam

[Chimo]

How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

[Poodroo]

Upon reaching 75, old Tom finally decided to retire. After having him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby. Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys . .. . . . and oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."






"What? Are you nuts?? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"





"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."





"You dirty old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"





"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!"

[ffejsmada]

I Buy the Ballerina a Drink
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the
boyo's sitting at the bar, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of
the bar, Ol' Paddy,who was slowly making his way through his 15th pint of Guiness
slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Oi'll buy the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons, and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same very hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, Ol' Paddy slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the
ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached Paddy and asked said, 'Tell me, Paddy,
it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but tell me, how
do you know she's a ballerina?'

Ol' Paddy replied, 'T'is only a ballerina dat could lift her leg dat high!'

[ffejsmada]

A husband IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.


THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO


THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK


HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

[fish-n-dive]

Installing a Husband

INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.................................................. ....................

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[mudrunner]

a bit of kevin....its clean..

http://unsourcedhumor.blogspot.com/2007/11/rudd-kevin-rudd.html

[harry_h01]

A Pope died. He wakes up at the gates of heaven, walks to Archangel Michael and asks to pass him through gates to heaven.
Archangel glares at Pope and asks:
- OK man, but who are you?
- I'm the Pope - says the Pope
- Who?
- I'm Christ's vicar on earth - says the astonished Pope
- Man I don't know you but let me ask boss. - says the archangel and walks away.
- Great lord. There's some man standing at the gates claiming that he is Christ's vicar on earth - says Michael to God.
- What? Let me ask my son.
God calls for Jesus.
- My son. There's some man claiming he is your vicar on earth or something. Go and talk to him.
Jesus walks away. After fifteen minutes he's back laughing all the way.
- So my son what's so funny. Tell me.
- Father do you remember when I was back on earth 2000 years ago I founded a small fishing club.
- Yes.
- So imagine. They are still operational.

[mowerman]

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,
'Julia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.
Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.
We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two pots of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two pots of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again
to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail,looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'
'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'

[Donny Boy]

A newly divorced Tasmanian couple leave the courthouse......and she is sobbing uncontrollably.
The ex-husband says...
" For Christs' sake ...stop your blubbering.............you're STILL my sister...!"

[BGG]

The Broken Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the boat, the fourby, fishing – always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral of this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

[STUIE63]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your
spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new
suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60
years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe
was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' ' Been in the business 60
years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about
some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The
salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

[Dignity]

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Longreach farm
and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water
allocation.
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed
to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or
answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running
for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining
with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer
immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the
top of his lungs.....


'Your card! Show him Your card!

[sandman55]

The Argument.

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

[sandman55]

Two Irish sewer workers.

Two Irishmen were working in a sewer when one of them drops his jacket. The jacket starts to get pulled along by the current.

"Paddy" he shouts, "grab me jacket."
"Your not going to wear it now are you" said Paddy.
"No" he cried. "Me lunch is in the pocket"

[Cammy]

HAHAHAHA stuie thats a good one!

Cam

[Chimo]

Elderly Sex


An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word, or two?'

[dhess]

Q. Why do they call camels ships of the desert?

A. Becayse they are full of arab seamen.

[bustaonenut]

A man walks through his front door after a days work and makes his way up to the bedroom where he is greated by his wife who is dressed in lingere and stockings. She slowly roles her stockings off, throws them at her husband and says

''Tie me up and do whatever you like" So he ties her up and goes fishing.

[Chimo]

Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted::)

[Chimo]

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked pissed off.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care." concluded the professor.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

[Chimo]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[Chimo]

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That shtoopid Dave!" the fellow giggled, "He'sh sho drunk, he thinksh he'sh me!"

[bushbeachboy]

There were two statues in the park. A naked man and a naked woman. They had been there for 100 years.

An angel came and visited them and said: "Because of your long and faithful service you are each granted 30 minutes of life to do whatever you please."

The man looked at the woman, they giggled and ran into the bushes. For about 15 minutes there was a lot of rustling and giggling and oooohhhs and aaahhhs. Then both came out.

The angel looked at his watch and said: "Well you still have 15 minutes left. Would you like to do that again?"

The woman looked at the man and said: "Let's do it. Only this time I want to change positions. This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."

[fish-n-dive]

KidsAreQuick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same
as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir.. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[STUIE63]

This made me laugh out loud...


http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:2D902E5A91724C01BC8E12348FECE4B3@CHIPPENDALE

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:670BEF561655498386828101FAE602C0@CHIPPENDALE
. You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

[charleville]

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world!"



;D ;D ;D


.

[mowerman]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his
Flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he
Picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,
Disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus
Is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
Off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit,
He shook his head, promised himself a vacation after
The next big score, then clicked the light on and began
Searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect
The wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching
You.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
Looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
Corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on
A parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just
Trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world
Are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.. 'What kind of people would
Name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.' '

[Chimo]

Married Life





After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'












'I found the remote,' he said.;)

[sparkyice]

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/d/dan_quayle.html

you aussies are lucky you don't have politicians like ours...

[fish-n-dive]

Interesting and sadly rather true…

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common
Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want
It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral, because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.'

[fish-n-dive]

Funny and TRUE Too!
--------
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
.....
1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
......
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
.....
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'
.....
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even
some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
......
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again.'
......
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
......
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
.....
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
.....
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing
so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

[Scott nthQld]

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"

A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"

"It's a cow, teacher."

"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

[Scott nthQld]

OK This one might be a bit crude and rude......if anyone ojects let me know and I'll remove it....thanks

Nevermind...I removed it. I decided it was a bit too rude for these forums

[Scott nthQld]

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't...

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

[Scott nthQld]

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

[Chimo]

LESSON FROM THE RABBIT AND THE SNAKE



Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"That's ok," replied the snake. "Actually, I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know. "That would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

[Marlin_Mike]

OK This one might be a bit crude and rude......if anyone ojects let me know and I'll remove it....thanks

Nevermind...I removed it. I decided it was a bit too rude for these forums


Well PM it to us............:):):)

Mike

[disorderly]

Well PM it to us............:):):)

Mike

My thought's exactly Mike...well,Scott;);D;D

[Scott nthQld]

ok then I will....told yous it was a bit crude

[Chimo]

True Stories from hospital staff







1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. And yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.



I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.



Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow







2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'.



I instructed.



'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient.



Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath







3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'



Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.







4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.



'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'



I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.



Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk General







5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'



Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent







6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how was your breakfast this morning?'



'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.



I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'



Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.







7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'



Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'



Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London



Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

[Barraboy7]

Picked this one up from my Polish friend.
Jan Kowalski is the village idiot, the guy who whos in heaps of jokes in Poland.

So...Jan was all excited as he was about to go on his first trip with his friend to Chicago. Both of them had no clue on what to eat in USA so they asked some guy who had been there before. "Oh, he said, just get a Hot Dog"
So after they arrived in Chicago, Jan sees a stand and the sign, HOT DOGS.
They bought one each and walked across the park, slowly opening the brown paper bag to see what a hot dog really was.
Jan pulled his open, looked at it for a while, and then said to his friend, "Hey, what part of the dog did you get?"

Jan Take 2
Jan Kowalski went off to the swimming pool in Chicago. It was exciting to him as he had never been in a pool in the USA. After about half and hour the Police arrived and arrested Jan, dragged him down to the station for a chat.
"You're in big trouble," the policeman said. Jan bleated back, "what did I do?"
The officer said, "You were peeing in the pool!
Jan said angrily, "But everyone pees in the pool!
The officer said, "Maybe...but not from the top of the diving board!

[aussiefool]

Stuttering Animals

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade
students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

Rhiannon raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.


The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked Rhiannon to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and
the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '

It sure was', said Rhiannon.. 'My kitty raised his back,
went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' f$#@' , the rottweiler ate him!

[spears]

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the USA





16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."





15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."





14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."





13 "If you try to run, you'll only go to jail tired."





12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."





11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"





10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"





9 "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to speed again or I'll give you another ticket."





8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"





7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."





6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."





5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."





4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"





3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."





2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."





AND THE WINNER IS........





1 "You didn't think we gave "pretty women" tickets? You're right maam, we don't. Sign right here."

[fish-n-dive]

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three Women buy just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women. They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.



Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea.



After the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!! 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man. 'Watch and learn,' answer the women.



When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

[fish-n-dive]

A few blonde jokes

Two blondes With Hammers.

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

*********************
Self Harm

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
‘What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3, 000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'


*****************

Car Dents

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first.'


***************

Thermos

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow,' said the blonde, 'that's amazing! I'm going to buy it!!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied........'Two icy poles and some coffee.'


************


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter ? '
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too.'

[fish-n-dive]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love naked hugs.


The second floor has wives that love naked hugs and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[sparkyice]

a penguins car breaks down across the road from sea world.
the mechanic on duty says it'll be a while, why don't you go across the road and enjoy a few hours at the aquarium.
when the penguin comes back and asks what was wrong with his car, the mechanic says "it looks like you've blown the main seal".
the penguin looks dejectedly down at his chest and says "ohh!-no!-
thats just a little ice cream!"

[mowerman]

Old men may walk slow BUT think F A S T






In Queensland l had owned a large property for several years. I had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where I had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and I also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.





One evening I decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as I hadn't been there for a while. I grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As I neared the dam, I heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As I came closer I saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in my dam. I made the women aware of my presence and they all went to the deep end.





One of the women shouted to me, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' I frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'


Holding the bucket up , 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'




Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

[mowerman]

Global warming.

[BGG]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[BGG]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[disorderly]

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella , located in
>The high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield , CA , some folks, new to
>Boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
>Couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish
>In almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After
>About an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,
>Thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A
>Thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
>The engine ran f ine, the out-drive went up and down, and t he propeller
>Was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in
>The water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was
>Laughing so hard.
>
>
>NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
>Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[Poodroo]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo
clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh shit." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Poodroo

[mowerman]

Today's thermodynamics lesson

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
Assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
Proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[drunkenduncan]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English..

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree..

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'.

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, This is a rock...
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.' .

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity..

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'.

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized..and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way.

The chief replied, 'My bike.'.




Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else's bicycle! .
.

[sparkyice]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.

[sparkyice]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me! ."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."

[Chimo]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten up her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'




(You'll love this) -




God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.'

[Chimo]

THE ELEVATOR








A young Saskatewan girl and her father from the far reaches of Saskatchewan were in a big city mall for the first time



They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The girl asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the girl and her father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the girl and her father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his daughter.....

'Go get your mother'.

[ThePinkPanther]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his
wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another
parcel and note:


Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*se and go as a toffee apple.

[Chimo]

For you other GOMs and GOWs

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX




Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'






LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell.'





'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.

I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'







QUIET SEXTired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'


She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'







CONFOUNDED SEX


A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'




The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.




'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.




'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'














WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX





A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their

40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'





'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '

















WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX


My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.













ELDERLY SEX


One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.




Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly.'

[the gecko]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon





THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate








THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks I'm married.
2. Nope no more booze for me!
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you but I won't make any attempt to dance I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

[Poodroo]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin

[coucho]

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When
they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
... Uphill... barefoot.
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay
A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and
shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio & the DJ usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen "Forever"
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off
Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel & there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to
wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

[Poodroo]

A couple of toon Jokes

Poodroo

[Cammy]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Cam

[Cammy]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

Cam

[coucho]

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to
look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per
pair'
Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and
whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now whin we go unto the
shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear
our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie
accint.'
'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'
They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts
et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my
truck and...'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

[coucho]

GOD MADE MUMS


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2 They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?


Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.

[coucho]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, As crazy as this may sound, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[coucho]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the sweet with the hole in it.
He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:

Red............cherry
Yellow.........lemon
Green..........lime
Orange........orange

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes calls your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Spit them out!!!! They're arse-holes!!’

[coucho]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit
The blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician returns the blank check !
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

[Chimo]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he
had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to
find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning and
therefore they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then
she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him
for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'











That's when she shot him. ;D

[Chimo]

The Mystery of the Ambidextrous Lady Golfer


Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.

However, one of them relocated to another city and, to keep a foursome
going, the other three admitted a lady lawyer into their group. They
then told her that their usual teeing-up time was 6.30 am.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could sometimes
be up to 15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and
said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with
an eye-opening two-under par round.

She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.

The guys were impressed !!!

Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her
back the next week. She smiled and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or
6:45.'

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this
time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them
with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were very amazed, and wondered if she was just trying
to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They could not
figure her out..

She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be showing them up, but
each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!

However, the next week she was 15 minutes late. This had the guys
irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of
his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late
arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed
up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious
and so complimentary of their strong play that it was hard to keep a
grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.

Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her
ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his
curiosity no longer.

He asked her directly, 'How do you decide if you are going to golf
right-handed or left-handed ?'

The lady blushed and grinned.

She said, 'That is easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned
I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.
Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he
always sleeps in the nude.

'From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
schwartz was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was
pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.'

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But
what if it's pointed straight up in the air???'

She said, ...... 'That's when I am fifteen minutes late.'

[Scott nthQld]

NOT ALL OLD MEN ARE SENILE ...
A white-haired old man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring.
The old man said: "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, said: "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made, and the old man said: "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and said: "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[Scott nthQld]

DECISIVE LEADERSHIP
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this . . .
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business, and wouldn't put up with any slacking off.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked: "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied: "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1600 in cash and screamed: "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked: "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof ball did around here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Chimo]

ONE OF THE BETTER BLONDES

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her Black SUV when she was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also happened to be blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.”Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.:P

[webby]

For all you old bitties out there;D

[PinHead]

A bloke walks into a bar...sees a robot serving drinks..orders a pot. The robot delivers the perfect beer and asks the man what his IQ is..the man says 150. The robot then starts discussing nuclear physics etc. The bloke is fascinated.

He walks out of the bar and re-enters. He orders a pot...once again the robot pours the perfect beer and asks what his IQ is. This time the man says it is 100. The robot then starts a conversation about Holden vs Ford.

The bloke cannot believe this. He walks out of the bar again and re-enters...orders another pot. Once again the perfect beer arrives and he is asked what his IQ is..this time he says it is 50.
In a very slow drawl the robot then says: "Are ya still gunna be a Broncos supporter next year?"

[harry_h01]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn and reliable parenting strategies; adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know him pass this on; if not join the majority and do nothing.

[Poodroo]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay love," he says, "they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[bustaonenut]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew
she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and
I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a
spider.


W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

[bustaonenut]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me
feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and
get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[bustaonenut]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"!

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing
knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[Chimo]

Some new descriptors for you. Could even relate to some postees here?

What do you think?

New Words for 2008

*SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

*SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

*TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

*BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

*SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

*SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

*CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

*SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

*AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

*PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

*AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

*OHNO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

*GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

*JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars'comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food “rest au rants” often wear to show their level of training.

*MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, butthere's actually naught in there worth seeing.

*MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

*MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in thetoilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people sothe pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

*MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

*BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am .

*BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk toremember where you live, howyou got here, and where you've come from.

*BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will berequired every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

*TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women..

*TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

*PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

[wayno60]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings[/font]

[Giffo7]

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, 'How's the girlfriend?'

Pinocchio replied, 'Who needs a girlfriend?'

Cheers
Giffo

[sparkyice]

a gentleman and his wife were planning a trip to pittsburg, pennsylvania.
upon their arrival at the travel agency their were greeted by a young, attractive, exquisitly buxom girl wearing a close fitting v-neck sweater.

"what would you like to do today?" she inquired in an angelic, lilting, sing-song voice.

"well, i-i-i'd like to...er, um, i mean we'd" he could feel his wife's icy glare burning him to the very core of his being "like two pickets to tittsburg, please"

you can imagine the long week he spent at his in-laws in pittsburg.

upon their arrival home, his dear bride insisted he seek counseling to cure him of his perverted lechery.

he explained what had happened to his psychiatrist.
the dr. explained that this was an example of a freudian slip, where you think of one thing but say another. perfectly normal.

"why just the other day" his doctor related," i was having sunday brunch with my wife on our 34th aniversary. she was reminising about our wedding day, when the same thing happened to me.
"what i meant to say was ' why yes dear, your aunt helga's necklace did nicely compliment the color of her eyes', but what came out was 'you've ruined my life you miserable ***t!' "

[sparkyice]

when i was a teenager i hated going to weddings.
all of the matronly older ladies would pinch my cheeks and poke my ribs, teasing me with "you're next, sweetie" and the like.

they quit that act when i started doing it back to them at funerals.:D

[Chimo]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat .

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Chimo]

----- Original Message ----- From: sophie
To: "deleted"
Sent: Tuesday, October 07, 2008 6:45 PM
Subject: FW: Oil change instructions.

http://graphics.hotmail.com/i.p.emsmile.gifhttp://graphics.hotmail.com/i.p.emrose.gifhttp://graphics.hotmail.com/i.p.emsmile.gifhttp://graphics.hotmail.com/i.p.emrose.gifhttp://graphics.hotmail.com/i.p.emwink.gifhttp://graphics.hotmail.com/i.p.emlove.gifhttp://graphics.hotmail.com/i.p.emwink.gifhttp://graphics.hotmail.com/i.p.emlove.gif
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee, read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee:$2.00
Total:$42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10)Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in wheely bin to avoid evironmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17)Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19)Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22)Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drainplug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts:$50.00
DUI:$2400.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail:$1500.00
Beer:$40.00
Total:$4,085.00
But you know the job was done right!

PS I WAS INSTRUCTED TO SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH . . . . . AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT. . I'm not sending it to any woman but figure you AFs need to be aware of the lies and stuff they're spreading:P

[Chimo]

The question is:




What Do Retired People Do All Day?




Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.



Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.



We were only in there for about 5 minutes.



When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.



We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?






He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.





So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.





Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[sparkyice]

A little boy blows up a balloon and
> starts flicking it all around the house with
> his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
> he's liable to break something, but the boy
> continues.
> "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it
> off." You're going to break something. He stops
> and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to
> the shopping center.
>
> Johnny starts up with the balloon
> again after his mom has left for the store. He
> gives it one last flick and it lands in the
> toilet where he leaves it.
>
> Mom comes in and while putting away
> the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She
> can hardly make it to the toilet in time and
> SPLASH, out it comes.
>
> When she's finished, she looks down
> and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not
> sure what this big brown thing is in the
> toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is
> baffled as she describes the situation, but he
> assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
> everything.
>
> When he arrives she leads him to
> the bath room and he gets down on his knees and
> takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally,
> he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to
> see what it might be and POP! The balloon
> explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the
> walls, etc.
>
> "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all
> right?" she asks.
>
> He says, "I've been in this
> business for over 30 years, and this is the
> first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
>
> You're laughing aren't you...I know
> you are!!!

[Chimo]

Nymphomaniac convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

[akman1]

I apologise if this has already been posted like so many others before.



A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be The
Man of Your House".

He stormed off to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I've finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you will go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards you are
going to draw me a bath so that I can relax. You will wash my back and
then towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and
hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
The wife replied "The F*****g Funeral Director would be my first guess."

[sparkyice]

Poem to MOM (or Dad)

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr.. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S..D."


Mom's Reply and Thoughts





Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've call ed and checked with C.S.D
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.


I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?"

Send to all people that have teenagers or have
already raised teenagers,

Or have children who will soon be teenagers or those
who will be parents someday

[Cammy]

THE URGE.....

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his ##### into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my ##### into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'


Cam

[goddy100]

Bubba`s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba’s sales pitch.
Bubba stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, “If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are
killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.
“NOW,” Bubba concluded, “which bunch do you think they’re gonna send into battle first?”

[Chimo]

Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

[Chimo]

Hi ! I need a favor

Our neighbour has a puppy he's giving away (FREE). It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the heebie jeebies. I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know. Here's a picture of the dog (see below).

[sparkyice]

Hi ! I need a favor

Our neighbour has a puppy he's giving away (FREE). It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the heebie jeebies. I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know. Here's a picture of the dog (see below).


whoa- kinda gives me the heebie jeebies too...

[sandman55]

If you are on an airplane sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:


1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start it up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips as if praying
6. Then run this screen. Click this (http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf)
Try guessing the look on the co-traveler's face.

[sparkyice]

"REDNECK MATH CHALLENGE"

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the American South,
and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks
in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '86 Dodge Diplomat
(C) '80 Ford pickup.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to
condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density
of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is
2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.
The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how
many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average
slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children
place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for
their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a
vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it
take a town which has been by passed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't cha?
It's okay if ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a hole
heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare ya for in this
life.

[disorderly]

On Death
Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)

After they get the fax ...

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"


What fun it is dealing with "customer service"

[Chimo]

How To Stay Married for 50 Yrs

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda da money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for
your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'ma gonna go and get her."

[Chimo]

The Cattle Dog!!!


Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,

'Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'

'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.

'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza-Bone coats,

some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.

Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'

'Right.' Said Julia.


Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'

'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again

to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog’s tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'


'Strewth no!' said the barman.

'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'

Not sure if this has been posted before if it, has apols.

[Chimo]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large,
silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her

straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.






'Now!. Tell HIM you have a headache.'

[mangrovejacks]

What did the Mangrove Jack say when it swam into a wall?

DAM!!!::)

[Chimo]

Marriage Humour


Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...?
You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

-------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[Deejay2400]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador') , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!

[Chimo]

Whatya Doing Today?

[coucho]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that enough was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,
get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor,
'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me with my problem.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in
a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between
his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania

[coucho]

Ma and Pa are two hillbillies living out on a farm.






Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.





He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, 'why don't you go ask the young'n down the road?'
He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate.'





So Pa drives down to the neighbour's house and asks him, 'Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it.'

The young'n tells him, 'Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.




Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.




The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.





While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..'

Pa thanks the neighbour, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running! Out of the house and into the outhouse!





Off goes the first stick of dynamite .... Shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite . Spreading poop all over the farm

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....




Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, 'Ma, are you all right??!!'




As she pulls up her bloomers she says! ...
'Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen

[danny412]

An American Indian goes into the store to buy toilet paper, there are many to choose from and he cant make up his mind. He asks a young store kid stocking shelfs whats the best. The kid says Kleenex is good but No-Name is cheaper. Who No name asks the Indian, after trying for a while to explain No Name is the brand name the kid gives up and walks away. The indian decides to buy No Name because its cheap.
A week later the indian comes back into the store and finds the youung store kid stocking shelves again. Ive got a new name for No Name toilet paper he says, whats that asked the young kid, John Wayne says the indian, what the ?? says the young kid, the indian says" Its rough, its tough and takes no shit from indians!

[Chimo]

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia .'


Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'


The officer said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'



Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Officer, I am ready.'


The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green, green, green

and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow , this is Mujibar.''

Mujibar now works at Telstra.

Perhaps you have spoken to him?

[Chimo]

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

'Polish Remover'

[dreemon]

How do you get an 87 year old granma to say the " F " word ?

have anouther 87 yr old yell out " BINGO "

[Chimo]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Chimo]

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home
when an old Grandpa walked by.


And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said,
'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - -

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

[Chimo]

Todays Choice

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, it would now be worth $56.91.

With Washington Mutual, you would have $120.36 left of the original $1,000

With 'Fannie Mae' (FNM), you would have $11.34 left.

If you had purchased RH Donelley, you would have $45.69 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling refund you would have $214.00.

In the current market, the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[Chimo]

But wait theres more ...............

One Of Those Days

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half
an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a
menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I
didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.
'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison.'

[Chimo]

Which part of your body goes to heaven first?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your Feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night and mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh! God, I'm coming!'
'If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted...

[Trev_ally]

A drover and his kelpie walk into a country pub. The drover says " I'll have a beer for meself and one for me dog, mate".
The barman says "we don't serve dogs in here"
The drover replies "but my dog's special, he is a carpenter, makes things out of wood. If you go to the fireplace and chuck him a mallee root he will make a coffee table for ya".
Barman, chuckling, walks to the firplace picks out a mallee root then says "Well, if your dog makes a coffee table out of this you can both have free grog for the day" and throws the root to the dog.
The kelpie jumps onto the root, chews away furiously for 5 minutes. When the chips and sawdust settle there stands a beautiful coffee table, Queeen Anne legs and all. The dumbfounded barmen starts pouring their free beers.

A swaggy spots the drover and his kelpie so he strides up to the bar with his mongel blue healer in tow and says "I'll have a beer for meself and one for me dog mate".
The barman tells him he doesn't serve dogs.
The swaggy says 'Well yer servin' him and his mutt".
Barman replies yair, but his dog is special, he makes things outa wood, he made that coffee table".
"So what" says the swaggy. "My dog makes things outa metal".
The barman says "sure he does. Look, if he can make anything out of metal you can both have free beer too".
"Fair enough" says the swaggy. "you go over to the fireplace, put the poker into the fire 'til it's red hot then lift me dogs tail and touch him on the bum with the hot end. He will either make a spring for your throat or a bolt for the door".:o

[Chris Ryan]

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:


First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'


Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'


Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'


They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'


Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:


'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[Chimo]

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers,
'I know dis you firss time and you berry fighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want; I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, hoping to impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

Eventually she shyly whispers back,
'I want to twy someting I have heard about from udda girls.... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want..... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

[FNQCairns]

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world,
but how can I be sure?'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discusstheir findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Angelina Jolie perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the most gorgeous woman alive.'

But Brad Pitt lifted his sad, sexy face and said...............................




















































































Who the hell is FNQCairns??

[Trev_ally]

I was considering giving up being a flasher, but I think I'll stick it out for one more year

[finga]

Q. What's a politician and a banana have in common??




A. They both start out green and straight and end up yellow and bent.

[sandman55]

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for a fiver a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighbouring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

[sea raider]

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.
Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.
The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......

[sandman55]

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument



Most people think it improper to spank children,

so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV,

Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.



Sincerely, Your Friend

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This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

[sandman55]

Here is a couple of pics I hope I haven't posted before.

[finga]

Not really a joke but...


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married aAustraliangirl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman...


God BlessAustralianWomen

[mowerman]

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six asylum seekers and a rabbit.'

The man says 'Why the rabbit?'

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'

[mowerman]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's not a big deal in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods.'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'


'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'


'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.'

[Chimo]

Roughasguts and Hornet Rider were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

RAG said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
HR says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning RAG wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's HR. HR says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

RAG says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
HR says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
RAG says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

[Mac1952]

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for one day.

Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day!:)

[sandman55]

A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".

The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

[Dantren]

The jelly baby goes to the doctor.

"Doc, my tally whacker has the colours of the rainbow"

"JB, What have you been doing?"

"Licorice allsorts"

[Tezza@Tannum]

Little Johny walked into a Chemist Shop and says to the assistant "Miss may I have 12 condoms please". The assistant said back DON'T YOU MISS ME YOUNG MAN !!" to wich Johny replyed" Well in that case, make it 13 please."

[slyman]

Pot of gold thanks...

[Chimo]

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new�stud rooster�for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,�
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:001001c93b37$9dd8a1f0$0100000a@USER078455F0E6
'OK old fart,�time for you to retire.'�
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.�
Look what it has done to me.�
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'�
The young rooster says,�'Beat it: You are washed up�
And I am taking over.'�
The old rooster says,�'I tell you what, young stud.�
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.�
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.�
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'�
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:001101c93b37$9dd8a1f0$0100000a@USER078455F0E6
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.�
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:001201c93b37$9dd8a1f0$0100000a@USER078455F0E6
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.�
The�Old Rooster�is squawking and running as hard as he can.�
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -�
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,�
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:001301c93b37$9dd8a1f0$0100000a@USER078455F0E6' Dammit.....Third�gay�rooster I bought this month.'



Moral of this

Story? ..�

Don't mess with the�OLD FARTS -�
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery




Always overcome youth and arrogance!



;)

[slyman]

A Drover walks into a bar with


A pet crocodile by his side.



He puts the crocodile up on the bar.



He turns to the astonished patrons.


'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

[Steve B]

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD WAS SKIPPING ALONG THE FORREST PATH ONE SUNNY DAY WHEN SHE NOTICED THE BIG BAD WOLF CROUCHED BEHIND A FALLEN TREE. " WOLFY WOLFY....WHAT BIG BAD EARS YOU HAVE"

'GRRR' REPLIED THE WOLF AS HE JUMPED UP AND RAN DOWN THE TRACK.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD KEPT SINGING AND SKIPPING ALONG WHEN SHE NOTICED THE WOLF AGAIN HIDING BEHIND A STUMP...'WOLFY WOLFY WHAT BIG BAD EYES YOU HAVE'

'GGGGGRRRRRR' REPLIED THE WOLF AS JUMPED OUT AND RAN FURTHER DOWN THE TRACK.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD SKIPPED MERRILY ALONG THE TRACK WHEN SHE SPIED THE WOLF TUCKED IN BEHIND A BUSH 'WOLFY WOLFY WHAT BIG BAD.................BEFORE SHE COULD FINISH THE WOLF INTERUPTED,

'LISTEN GIRLY WILL YOU BUGGER OFF I AM TRYING TO TAKE A DUMP'

[slyman]

his fishing skills are on par with his ability to run a country...

[Bob H]

a mate of mine answered a knock on the front door ,when he opened the door he was punched in the face by a six foot cockroach,he reported it to the police who said (wait for it ) that apparently there was a bad bug going around..........bob

[Chimo]

Popcorn Chicken

Not sure if this is the right spot for this or not? Maybe recipes?

Here is a delicious Chicken Recipe with Popcorn

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me and you, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Large chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 220c.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven. Listen to the popping sounds.

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And you thought I couldn't cook!!!

Chimo

[sandman55]

A Fishermans Philosophy

A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:

Talk about changing spots
Prepare another rod while one is out
Lay your rod down unsecured
Go for a sandwich
Start to pull the boat anchor
Use the worst fly you own
Crack open your first beer
Crack open your last beer
Take notice of the chick on a passing boat, bank or beach
Watch others fishing
Start reeling in your lines at going home time
Give your fishing rod to a female companion or child to hold
When your landing net is out of reach
When you have cast your line over an obstruction
When you line has drifted into impossible weeds
When you turn to look at the sunrise or sunset
Decide that you need to take a leak

[danryan75]

another one for that list sandman
-get a Birdsnest

[sandman55]

For sure been there and done that http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/dirtbox/pics/muttley.gif

[sandman55]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't...there's a clock on the oven.
----------- ------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- ---------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

---------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men?

Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[FNQCairns]

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you

would

have $49 left.



With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.



With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.



But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of

the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling

REFUND, you would have $214 cash.



Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily

and recycle.

[sandman55]

Hazardous Materials Data Sheet "Woman" ;D

[Chimo]

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whisper.

' Hello ? '

'Is your Daddy home?'

' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice.

I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mummy there?'

' Yes, she's out in the garden too '

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the police dog men. '

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the
boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME ;)

[sandman55]

Two old guys are fishing in a boat on the local lake - one says to t'other: "I'm thinking of getting a divorce, my wife and I haven't spoken to each other in the last 6 months"

T'other guy replies "I'd think twice before deciding, women like that are hard to find".....

[charleville]

after being married for 44 years, i took a careful look at my wife oneday and said, 'honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap flat, a cheap car,slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now i have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i'm sleeping with a 65- year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things '

my wife is a very reasonable woman.she told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that i would once again beliving in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

[slyman]

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.


Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

[Chimo]

My local pub is best


'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister.'

[mowerman]

A HEALTH WARNING FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live! Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of
clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS : -
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!


Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Pinot Noir!

[Chimo]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the littl e girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'





'Because you got an F in sex.'

[Xahn1960]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter
met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new
arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T' '?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer
to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy
boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...

[STUIE63]

An Actual 1955 Housekeeping Monthly article.
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:image001.jpg@01C9400E.E879B560

[Chimo]

In the sprit of yesterday:P

[Xahn1960]

> Amy, a blonde city girl, married a Essex farmer.
>
> One morning on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
>
> The farmer leaves for the fields.
>
> After a while, the artificial insemination man from Norfolk arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
>
> The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cos I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
>
> 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
>
> Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
>
> The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
>
>
> ( It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

[Xahn1960]

Late last
Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.


It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most


Of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only


Broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a


Dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...





BUMP........














BUMP........














BUMP........















Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain


He saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.















BUMP........














BUMP........












BUMP........













He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box


Approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more


Clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put

His head down and started walking briskly home.












BUMP........














BUMP........































BUMP........
























The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........

























BUMP.... BUMP.......

























BUMP........BUMP.......




















BUMP........BUMP........
















The coffin was
closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he

Heard the coffin speed up after him ...









BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...











BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...










BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...






He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......





BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....







BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....












BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....








Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was


Only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his


Keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,


Slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and


Slumped into his comfy chair.








Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through

The front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin

allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued


Its chase ..











BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...











BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

Take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...









BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...







BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...







BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...









The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and


Launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the

Bathroom door flew off its hinges ..







The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young

Terrified lad.







BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...






BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...







BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...







In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom

Cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at

The coffin ... still it came ........







BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...







He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it

Came......



BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...






He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......







BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...







He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ...



















The coffin stopped.

[Xahn1960]

I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring. Unfortunately, with the increase in gas prices and prices in general as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart Greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......

[coucho]

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal;
his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.?

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between
Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.?

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan,
you don't suppose she took it do you??

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.



So he sat down and wrote



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PETER



Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED,
SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.?

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!

[sandman55]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. When the wife returned there was a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Xahn1960]

<DIV>
ALL GRANDPARENTS, HEED THIS WARNING !!



Do NOT lose your grand kids in the mall !!



A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.



He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'



The cop asked, 'What's he like?'



The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied...

'Bundaberg rum and women with big boob s.'

[ffejsmada]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and
the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.


Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and
asked the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think your
getting your birds mixed up.

The teacher said, "It has always been a stork that brings the babies Johnny."

"Well Miss, my big sister just got a little baby and she said she got it from a shag at the beach."

;D

[PADDLES]

The Lone
Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The
Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger.

In honor of
The Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you,
I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The
Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief
Nods and
Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the
Horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful
Blonde woman on his
Back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the
Lone Ranger's
Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian
Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but
I will still kill you in two
Days.

What is your second request?'


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought
To
Him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver
Takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the
Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous
Brunette, more
Attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again
Impressed. 'You are
Indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you
Tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,


'I'd like to speak to my horse,.... Alone.'

The Chief is
Curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.


Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks
Him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully


For.... The.... Last....f**king time,

I said.....
'BRING POSSE'

[Chimo]

A man escapes from a prison where he'd been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.


He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed,

the convict gets on top of her,

kisses her neck,

then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife,

'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.

Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail

and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain

do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is obviously very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.

Be strong, honey. I love you!'


His wife responds,


'He wasn't kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he's gay,

thinks you're cute,

and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong Darling, I love you, too!!!'

[Chimo]

THE DECISION
>>
>> A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
>>
>> The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
>> Now,
>> you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
>> You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.....
>> Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
>> your
>> willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
>>
>> The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
>> compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you
>> a
>> new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
>> But
>> the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
>>
>> The man perks up at this.
>>
>> "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
>> But
>> it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a
>> five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might
>> be a
>> bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only
>> to
>> invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's
>> important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
>>
>> The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
>> day.
>>
>> "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
>>
>> "I have," says the man.
>>
>> "And has she helped you in making the decision?"
>>
>> "She has," says the man.
>>
>> "And what is it?" asks the doctor.
>>
>> "We're getting a new kitchen."

[coucho]

An Asian woman goes in to her local National Australia Bank Branch and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....'fluctuations'.

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, 'fluck you Aussies too'

[harry_h01]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a
Little PR. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. 'Stanley,' responds the little boy.
'And what is your question, Stanley?'
'I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all
Americans don't have health insurance?


Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, 'OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?'
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
'Little Johnnie' he responds.
'And what is your question, Little Johnnie?'
'Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? !
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
>Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
>And Sixth, what the f--k happened to Stanley?'

[Outsider1]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he
had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she
became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!.

[Donny Boy]

A guy walks into a Bank to apply for a loan, but the Manager says
" Very Sorry, but the Loan Arranger isn't here today..."
So the guy says " Well, who can I talk to .......?"
The Manager says " Tonto ! "