Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated [Archive] - Page 7 - Ausfish fishing Australia, Australian Angling Forums

Silent

23-01-2008, 07:37 AM

The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the
second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want
more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love s#x.

The second floor has wives that love s#x and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Silent

24-01-2008, 12:59 PM

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

akman1

25-01-2008, 06:59 PM

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then asked "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

akman1

25-01-2008, 07:45 PM

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658
responded to a call, there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck,Okla. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver woke up when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating
lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked , jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow , wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary
car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over!' The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says Trooper's don't have a
sense of humor?

mowerman

25-01-2008, 10:48 PM

Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex

(http://media.fastclick.net/w/click.here?sid=6708&m=6&c=1)
Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

Dignity

26-01-2008, 09:19 AM

Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

disorderly

30-01-2008, 12:26 PM

Charlie walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling,this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.
His wife is lying in bed and replies"I think you'll find thats a sheep, you idiot!."
Charlie says"I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

Poseidon

30-01-2008, 01:33 PM

Hope it hasn't been posted before......

charleville

31-01-2008, 11:37 AM

http://img.skitch.com/20080131-p72pki3pb3is72ggmi86iyi8xe.jpg

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the city botanical gardens every day to feed the pigeons, watch the ducks in the pond and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up
for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then
he said,"For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

Longshot

31-01-2008, 02:45 PM

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, “Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?”
The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.”
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, “Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?”
The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.”
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one’s black.”

Longshot

31-01-2008, 02:48 PM

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

charleville

01-02-2008, 10:18 PM

While we are on duck jokes ...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working,' says the duck. 'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly,' says the barman. 'Sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.

The duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, 'You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!'

'Yeah?' says the duck. 'Sounds great, where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' the duck enquires.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again.

'Yes,' says the barman

'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.

'Of course' the barman replies.

'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle,' asks the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck looks confused...

'What would they want with a plasterer?'

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

__________________

Sea-Dog

02-02-2008, 06:57 AM

Funny Pics

Dignity

02-02-2008, 07:06 AM

Paddy and the Taxman

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"

Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet
you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it."

Simmo2

02-02-2008, 12:52 PM

A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner
put up a sign saying,

'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he
would get his free sex.

The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number
was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, the same bloke come along with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 4. You
were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, 'I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Blue replied, 'No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged.....

my Missus won twice last week......'

charleville

04-02-2008, 04:03 PM

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the serviette, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered ...

(Scroll down - This is great)

'THE TEETH.'

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

Taipan

06-02-2008, 06:14 PM

Not sure if this is here yet, but here tis anyway.

21015

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

reelcrazy

06-02-2008, 11:29 PM

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai.

So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding
position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee.

Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh!

The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat.

His flashing sword went whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

BGG

08-02-2008, 09:22 AM

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "
2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got a willy to put em on!

charleville

08-02-2008, 06:59 PM

What's 25 metres long and has just two teeth?

Answer: The front row of a Willy Nelson concert.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

charleville

08-02-2008, 07:00 PM

http://img.skitch.com/20080208-ghysqxpaudm5nmykt9qrm84wep.jpg

Taipan

10-02-2008, 11:47 AM

Terry went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of North Renfrew
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Terry's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, Terry noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get' em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Terry was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, Terry was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
Terry yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME!!!"

4x4frog

14-02-2008, 09:18 AM

Compatibility problems??

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and
the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned
off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with
several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy
6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware
beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my
system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to all my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that
this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run.
For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's
memory and could not be deleted, they then re-surfaced months later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter,
and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter
products have no help files and require you to try and guess the problem
yourself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with
the original system, needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser
Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express also needs to be reinstalled
every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to
try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches
itself to my GTI 1.9 programme it often crashes or runs the system dry.
Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which
can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be
problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete
all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

charleville

14-02-2008, 12:51 PM

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on the Northern Rock Building Society in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last seven days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut many of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

;D ;D ;D

.

4x4frog

14-02-2008, 02:50 PM

;D;D:2thumbsup::grin::grin: charlie

Sea-Dog

14-02-2008, 06:38 PM

Compatibility problems??

<snip>

Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that
this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

</snip>

You probably noticed that this feature was only trial-ware and the licence expired after 1 month......

Then the system froze..... :(

Taipan

14-02-2008, 07:06 PM

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy
Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great
Lone Ranger.

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed
in three days.

But, before I kill you, I will grant you three
requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my
horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone
Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse
gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful
blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's
impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still
kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the
horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and
disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver
again returns, this time with a brunette, even more
attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the
night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still
kill you tomorrow.
'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my
horse.....alone.'

The Chief, still curious, agrees again and Silver is
brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by
both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE.!!

Deestingray

18-02-2008, 09:11 AM

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your a-hole is doing while you're having an Orgasm "

She replied, "Probably fishing & drinking beer with his mates."

sarg

18-02-2008, 09:45 PM

Pete the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.They went into the first room and she said “I want this room to be painted a light blue.”
The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan..
The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him “I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?”
The builder said, “Oh don’t worry about that, I’ve just got a couple of Kiwi’s laying the turf out front.”

mangomick

19-02-2008, 12:45 AM

**Breaking news**
Floods waters have created mayhem in the rural town of Rockhampton. Locals, who usually reside on the town’s riverbank, have been seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'. The ‘Second Chance Ministry’ food van has had to relocate to continue to feed the locals.
The flooding of the Fitzroy River has devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage. At Depot Hill, areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken by the rush of water well before their Centrelink cheques arrived. The Rockhampton Bulletin reported mayhem on the streets as hundreds of residents were left confused and bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Rockhampton.

One resident – Tracy-Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes
came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of bourbon and coke and cans of paint to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the debris and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include: flannelette shirts, Wranglers, singlets (blue & white), Ugg boots, sparkly backpacks and any other items usually sold in The Warehouse or The Reject Shop. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Rockhampton - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway!

PinHead

19-02-2008, 05:34 AM

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

PinHead

19-02-2008, 05:35 AM

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

PinHead

19-02-2008, 05:36 AM

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Taipan

19-02-2008, 04:02 PM

God said, "Adam,
I want you

To do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explainedit to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said,"What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......"

Adam said,"What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In thecave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez...."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,

Into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was

Back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?"

4x4frog

20-02-2008, 12:55 PM

A guy was sitting at the bar drinking with his mates; Wow, you should have seen the 20lb salmon I caught the other day! 20lb, replies one mate, yeah sure, were there any witnesses?
Yep says fisherman, if there weren't it'd have been at least 40lb:P

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.........teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink with his buddies and drink beer all day

Rod..........an attractively painted and decorated piece of f/glass rod that stops an angler from ever getting close to a fish.

Thumb.....a temporary hook holder

Treble Hook......triples the odds of catching a fish, quadruples the odds of hooking part of your person...(see above)

Live Bait........the biggest fish you'll handle all day

Why boats are better than women
A Boat's curves never sag

If your boat makes too much noise you can buy a muffler

Boats don''t care how many other boats you have ridden

Boats don't get jealous or upset if you buy boating magazines or look at other boats

You can have a beer while riding your boat

If you say bad things to your boat, you don't need to appologise before you can ride it again

It's always OK to use tie downs on your boat

Your parents won't want to keep in touch with your old boat

If your boat doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts

charleville

20-02-2008, 06:24 PM

A Mud Island fisho and a "greenie" lobbyist were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The lobbyist shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The fisho turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

charleville

20-02-2008, 06:34 PM

A woman went to the hospital emergency section, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up, said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"

;D

.

baitwaster

21-02-2008, 10:34 AM

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government Official, "You
have observed the white man for 90 years.You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
Where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. no taxes, no
debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water; women did all the work,
Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night
having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think
he can improve system like that."

disorderly

21-02-2008, 12:20 PM

rando

21-02-2008, 02:10 PM

In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?'
Asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop
sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
And said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*** would you say?'

__________ NOD32 2873 (20080213) Information __________

Chimo

21-02-2008, 07:34 PM

Complaints to Council

These are genuine clips from UK council complaint letters: (Nuf Said)

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I
still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
can't get BBC2.

Donny Boy

28-02-2008, 10:22 AM

Work this out....!

I was feeling depressed the other day.......
After a while I decided to ring Lifeline and talk about it.

So I did....and got an answering centre in Afghanistan...

When I told them I was feeling suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could fly a 'plane..

charleville

28-02-2008, 10:40 AM

Customer: Waiter! Taste this soup.

Waiter: Why? Is something wrong with it?

Customer: (Pointing into the bowl) Just try it.

Waiter: Is it too hot?

Customer: Taste it.

Waiter: Is it too cold?

Customer: Try it out.

Waiter: Does it taste bad?

Customer: Go ahead. Just sample it.

Waiter: (Pause) OK, where's a spoon?

Customer: AH-HA!!!!!!!

.

baitwaster

29-02-2008, 05:29 PM

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

Taipan

29-02-2008, 05:42 PM

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon."
Not bad eh!

charleville

01-03-2008, 07:49 AM

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examination
room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's
first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked
his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the
baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" said the woman.

"Well, strip down to your waist." the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.

Motioning her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No
wonder this baby in under weight, you don't have any
milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad
I came."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

sandman55

02-03-2008, 09:54 PM

The Drunk

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

sandman55

03-03-2008, 10:54 PM

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

charleville

03-03-2008, 11:43 PM

With apologies to all Greek and Italian readers .... :)

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "We have the Parthenon!"

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "Well, we have the Coliseum!!"

The Greek retorted, "It was we Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But, it was WE; who built the Roman Empire ."

And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought would end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality, he said, "It was we GREEKS who invented sex!"

The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was us ITALIANS who introduced it to the women."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

sandman55

05-03-2008, 09:29 PM

Old (and not so old)Timers test

It's that time of year to take your annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: " Bread."

If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???

If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator : You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. InSwindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was you!

charleville

05-03-2008, 10:13 PM

While driving along the back roads of Ipswich, two truckers, Webby and Lucky Phil, came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 3.4 metres.

They got out and measured their rig, which was 3.75 metres tall.

"What do you think?" Webby asked Lucky Phil.

Then Lucky Phil, who was the driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first, saying "Theres not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

Marlin_Mike

06-03-2008, 05:47 AM

Ohhhh Charlie............................ nice one LMAO :):):)

B_E_N

06-03-2008, 10:11 AM

A man, on his way home from work was stuck in traffic on the Monash freeway which was much worse than usual. Noticing a policeman walking among the stalled cars, he asked, "Officer, what's the holdup?"
The policeman says: "Wayne Carey is so depressed about being caught beating up his girlfriend he's stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, fans hate him, his former team mates hate him and he now won't have the $1million from his footy show contract. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh, really?" the man says. "How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only 18 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning.

reelcrazy

07-03-2008, 02:39 AM

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or

my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Taipan

07-03-2008, 07:01 PM

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too
cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called
on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and
Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the
butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret
and the Nun once again said, ' Very good,' and Mary Marg aret fell back
asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and
shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break
it in half!'

The nun fainted.

grumpy221

07-03-2008, 08:34 PM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

reelcrazy

07-03-2008, 11:11 PM

Murphys Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

disorderly

08-03-2008, 10:44 AM

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe me just try this little experiment.
Lock both your dog and your wife in the boot of your car for one hour.

When you open the car boot....... who is really happy to see you?http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/../yabbfiles/Templates/Forum/default/wink.gif

fish-n-dive

08-03-2008, 06:19 PM

My 6 yo came to me & the missus today and announced that a BRA was a acronym for "Battle Ready Armour"..........LOL the things they pick up from cartoons these days.................:rifle:

JawstheOriginal

09-03-2008, 02:21 PM

How do you make a pool table laugh?

Tickle its balls.

(courtesy of my brother)

BGG

12-03-2008, 07:31 AM

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my crotch and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow...why else would I buy dog food??

groverwa

12-03-2008, 02:39 PM

The gorgeous young lady in a school uniform and bag over her shoulder was walking down the street when a bloke in a Lada Niva pulled up and said "Come on - get in and I will take you home"

She continued to walk and said "No"

Same bloke in the same vehicle followed her, stopped and said "Get in and I will give you some lollies" to which she still continued on and said "No"

A bit further down the road the same bloke in the same vehicle stopped near her and said "Get in and I will Let you drive"

This time she stopped walking and said "P!ss off Dad - you bought it - you drive it"

DUALBIOS

12-03-2008, 03:09 PM

Bunnings has everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,

'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,'

Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong
And what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water

and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings

Chris Ryan

13-03-2008, 01:39 PM

See the attached.

It shows clearly how climate change can no longer be ignored.

sandman55

13-03-2008, 02:54 PM

This is a laugh.

Simmo2

15-03-2008, 06:59 PM

DIVORCE vs. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

sandman55

15-03-2008, 07:13 PM

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you
see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the
man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Silent

19-03-2008, 07:14 AM

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical histor y and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

Xahn1960

19-03-2008, 09:30 PM

BANNED FROM K- MART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she
loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from
her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on lay -b y.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
K -Mart.

STUIE63

20-03-2008, 10:03 AM

Xahn I haven't laughed that much in ages
Stuie

Deestingray

20-03-2008, 11:59 AM

--Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese
customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on
hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull
down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's
bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,
and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that
bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't
Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese
man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink
piss, and listen to bull-shit"

BGG

27-03-2008, 09:14 AM

THE IRAQI FOOTBALLER
New Liverpool coach flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play for Liverpool.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Everton with only 20 minutes left.
The coach gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.
The coach is delighted, the players and fans are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English premiership.
“Hello Mum, guess what?” he says in an Iraqi accent.
“I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me – the fans, the media they all love me”.
“Wonderful”, says his Mum, “let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time”.
The young lad is very upset.
“What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?”
Sorry?!!!” says his Mum. “It’s your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place”!!

sandman55

03-04-2008, 05:16 PM

The farmers Daughter

A farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the
farmhouse door.
A young boy about 12 opened the door.
'Is your dad home?' the farmer asked.
'No, sir, he ain't' the boy replied.
'He went into town.'
'Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?'
'No sir, she ain't here neither...she went into town with dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with mom and dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other
mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya?' the boy asked politely.'
'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or, maybe I could
take a message for dad.'
'Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your dad...
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
'You would have to talk to Pa about that,' he finally conceded.
'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the
hog, 'But I really don't know how much he gets for Howard.'

Xahn1960

03-04-2008, 07:59 PM

TAKE IT OFF

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 10kg. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/20kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you’re mine."

He lost 19kg that week!!

groverwa

05-04-2008, 02:21 AM

Aussie McCartney-Mills Divorce Humor ...Or Not

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife were divorced and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic!

News reports confirmed the beginning of the break-up when Paul McCartney and Heather Mills-McCartney separated and Mrs. McCartney said at the time: "He has been my crutch for so long! I have no idea why this happened, I'm really stumped."

"She's running around in circles," said a close friend of Heather's reaction to the break-up. "She will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk out on a relationship like this."

After the break-up, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if reporters call her "Heather".

It's not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Sir Paul is one of the richest men in the world, so if an agreement has been signed, it is believed that Heather won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumors abound over the split between Sir Paul and Heather Mills-McCartney which suggest that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible," said one source, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause of the break-up. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore," said a friend, "he would get home at night and find her legless".

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate, "I'm &*@^ked (f*@^ked)! Who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate responded, "Try Paul McCartney".

Finally, A Poem By Sir Paul McCartney:

As I lay upon a grassy bank

My hands were all a quiver

I slowly removed her garter belt

and her leg fell in the river.

BGG

05-04-2008, 06:52 AM

A woman walks into the (insert suburb name here) Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?
"Yeah they all mine," the mother explains, having heard the question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "So you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"OK This one's my oldest - he's Terry."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one number two, he's Terry, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are all the girls named Terri?"
"Well, yes" the Mother explained," It makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'OUT A BED Terry! 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Dinner Terry!' an' they all come runnin. 'An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell "Stop Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call 'im by 'is last name!"

mangomick

05-04-2008, 09:44 PM

Cops raid a house of ill repute. Find an asian gentleman in waiting room and cop ask him for his name.
I am Ting, he says
Cop busts in to bedroom and catches another asian gentleman in bed with one of the girls.
Right he says. Your nicked. Whats your name.
He says his name his Ting.
Listen , he says. Do you think 'm stupid. You cant trick me. That gentlemans name is Ting. Whats your name.
Asian gent says, Yes he's WAI - TING and I am ROO - TING;D

PNG1M

05-04-2008, 11:51 PM

A bloke used to catch male monkeys for his career & sell them to zoos - just to make a quidd or three.

To do this he basically had himself and his savage, lock jaw Pitbull Terrier.

After quite a few years in the business the bloke was feeling a bit old for the job so he advertised for an apprentice. A young fella responded then next thing they knew, they were off to the deepest darkest jungles of the Congo in search of monkeys.

Once in the forest - with plenty of monkeys & chimps overhead in the trees, the old bloke said:

"Now pay attention and I'll give you the run-down on how its done"

"First I climb up the tree and I go out out onto the branch. Then I swing at the monkeys with a stick. When one falls out of the tree my pitbull rushes over and lock-jaws onto his balls - until the monkey is paralysed. Then I climb down from the tree and throw the net over him"

"OK, have you got all that? Good...now here's the gun"

He hands the apprentice a gun and starts climbing the tree.

The apprentice says "But what's this gun for..?"

The old bloke looks back & replies:

"If I fall out of the tree; shoot the dog..!"

sandman55

06-04-2008, 11:34 PM

Some excuses to get out of doing things....

I'd love to but...
1) The man on television told me to say tuned.
2) It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
3) I'm building a pig from a kit.
4) I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
5) There's a disturbance in the Force.
6) I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
7) I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
8) I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
9) I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
10) My plot to take over the world is thickening.
11) I have to fulfill my potential.
12) It's too close to the turn of the century.
13) I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
14) I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
15) I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
16) I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
17) I'm trying to be less popular.
18) I have to study for a blood test.
19) I have to rotate my crops.
20) I prefer to remain an enigma.
21) I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22) I want to spend more time with my blender.

For a really interesting time, see how many work with the wife

sandman55

07-04-2008, 02:03 PM

Three Black Men
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures each had a black p****, but the one in the middle had a pink p****.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink p**** also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a Scotsman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Scottish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

Chris Ryan

08-04-2008, 05:01 PM

A man was in a long line at Kmart.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type
of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
Then picked up the intercom and said...

(you'll love this one...................)

'Cleanup, Register 5'

Fish_gutz

08-04-2008, 08:05 PM

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were

swimming around in the sea.

One was called Justin and the other was called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that

inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a

prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about

being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by

his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and

lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of

his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he

thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and

behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his

friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse!!)

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see

his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to

the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he

set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,

come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the

enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back, "No, I'm not! That was the old me. I've

changed.........."

(You're going to love this...)

(Scroll Down.)

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian".

Taipan

09-04-2008, 06:36 PM

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife,

"Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks
back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells,

"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies,

"Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

Taipan

09-04-2008, 06:38 PM

24643

Sent this one at work today

sandman55

16-04-2008, 11:56 PM

My Daughter sent me this in an email and sadly I can relate to it ;D

Recently a woman was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
>
> Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
>
>
>
>
>
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my flower tubs.
>
> As I turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs
> washing.
>
> I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the
> porch table.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin
> under the
> table, and notice that the bin is full.
>
> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
> rubbish
> first.
>
> But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the
> rubbish, I may as well pay the
> bills first.
>
> I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only
> 1 cheque
> left.
>
> My extra cheques are in the computer desk, so I go inside the
> house to
> my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke
> aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
>
> The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge
> to keep
> it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
> window ledge catches my eye - they need water.
>
> I put the Coke on the window ledge and discover my reading
> glasses that
> I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my
> computer desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a
> container with
> water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen
> table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking
> for the
> remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
> to put
> it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the
> flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor.
> So, I
> set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
> planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day:
>
> - The tubs aren't watered;
>
> - The car isn't washed;
>
> - The bills aren't paid;
>
> - There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge;
>
> - The flowers don't have enough water;
>
> - There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book;
>
> - I can't find the remote;
>
> - I can't find my glasses;
>
> - I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.
>
> Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I'm really
> baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
>
> I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
> help for
> it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
>
> Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I
> don't remember who I've sent it to.
>
> Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Silent

17-04-2008, 07:10 AM

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ;D

Silent

17-04-2008, 07:10 AM

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Silent

17-04-2008, 07:11 AM

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

johnny roger

17-04-2008, 08:08 AM

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.When it became apparent that
> we would marry, I made the supreme sacrificeand gave up beans. Some months
> later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home fromwork.Since I lived
> in the countryside I called my husband and told him that Iwould be late because
> I had to walk home.On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked
> beans was morethan I could stand.With miles to walk, I figured that I would
> walk off any ill effects by thetime I reached home, so I stopped at the diner
> and before I knew it, I had consumed t hree large orders of baked beans.All the
> way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.Upon my arrival, my husband
> seemed excited to see me and exclaimeddelightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise
> for dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the
> dinner table.I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold,
> thetelephonerang.He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
> returned and wentto answer the call.The baked beans I had consumed were still
> affecting me and the pressure wasbecoming most unbearable, so while my husband
> was out of the room I seizedthe opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and
> let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
> running over askunk in front of a pulpwood mill.I took my napkin from my lap
> and fanned the air around me vigorously.Then, shifting to the other cheek, I
> ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.Keeping my ears
> carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, Iwent on like this for
> another few minutes.The pleasure was indescribable.When eventually the
> telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a
> few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lapand folded my hands back on
> it feeling very relieved and pleased withmyself.My face must have been the
> picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
> He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
> hadnot.At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
> seatedaround the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!' I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whiting-wizard

17-04-2008, 01:04 PM

ahaha nice jokes

whiting-wizard

17-04-2008, 01:05 PM

ill be using some of these ;D

Oh Gee

17-04-2008, 05:35 PM

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
His friend watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "Your dog can't swim!"

groverwa

17-04-2008, 05:50 PM

johnny roger

"smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill' - bl##dy good one

whiting-wizard

17-04-2008, 05:53 PM

nice joke mate;D;D

Breambuster33

17-04-2008, 07:01 PM

just spent over 1 hour reading the first few pages

Breambuster33

17-04-2008, 07:02 PM

;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;Dahhahahaha

groverwa

19-04-2008, 03:41 AM

London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

SunnyCoastMark

19-04-2008, 10:55 AM

Hey That's not funny:(

This is supposed to be the JOKE thread where we can get away from reality.

Then you go and slap us in the face with the truth - no fair:o

Unfrotunately - it is so true - Commonsense is a luxury these days.

Mark

ifishcq1

19-04-2008, 11:47 AM

Fred walked up to his front door with a duck under his arm
he opens the door looks at his wife on the lounge and
he says this is the pig I was telling you about and
she says thats not a pig
he says I wasn't talking to you
I was talking to the duck

Xahn1960

19-04-2008, 12:29 PM

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect;
they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and
she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing
the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection
of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the
future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:

'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'

BGG

20-04-2008, 06:46 AM

Lewinsky and Kaczynski
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the ‘Style Invitational’.
The requirements this week were to use the two words ‘Lewinsky’ (the Intern) and ‘Kaczynski’ (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas ‘Hail to the Chief’
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

skipalong

20-04-2008, 06:50 AM

nice efforts mate

ttone

21-04-2008, 09:57 AM

A man
walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked
up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'

Not a phrase that men
normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled. When he was about
done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your
fly is open.' He zipped up and
finished his shopping. At the checkout, he
intentionally got in the line
where the lady was that told him about his
'barracks door.' He was planning
to have a little fun with her, so when he
reached the counter he said, 'When
you saw my barracks door open, did
you see a Marine standing in there at
attention?'

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a
moment and said
'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting
on a couple of old
duffle bags.'

the gecko

21-04-2008, 01:22 PM

Hers an old favorite of mine, just for the businessmen out there.

Flogging a dead horse!
Indian tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies.

How many of these ring a familiar tune?

- Buy a stronger whip.
- Change riders.
- Appoint a committee to study the horse.
- Move the horse to a new location.
- Arrange to visit other sites to benchmark how they ride dead horses.
- Create a training session to increase our ability to ride.
- Schedule a meeting with the dead horse to discuss his productivity problems.
- Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride it more cheaply.
- Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
- Provide status reports daily on the dead horse.
- Provide an incentive bonus for the jockey.
- Add more managers/supervisors per dead horse.
- Rename the horse.
- Hire a consultant to give an opinion on dead horses.
- Hire another consultant to refute the first consultant's opinion that the horse is really dead.
- Bring in a motivational speaker to see if you can't get the horse to rise from the dead.
- Form a team, positioned to shift the horse's ideas.
- Finally, if all else fails, prop the horse up, put ribbons in his mane and tail, and see if you can't find a buyer.

cheers
Andrew

sandman55

21-04-2008, 11:16 PM

A Message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium and nuclear, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)… roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen!

groverwa

25-04-2008, 01:51 PM

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.

He thinks to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. On approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the
back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to the Officer "Sir, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, Ihave to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer says.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 189."

sandman55

26-04-2008, 02:43 PM

Kevin was always bragging about how unreal and popular he was and one day he said to his boss, "You know, I reckon I know just about everyone there is to know. Just name someone and I probably know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, and said, "OK, Kevin, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Kevin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Hey! Kevin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Kevin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Kevin that he thinks Kevin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Kevin says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Kevin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Kevin on the tour and motions him over, saying, "Kevin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and lets have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Kevin, who again implores him to name one more, anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Kevin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Kevin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Kevin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go up, and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Kevin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Kevin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Kevin asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck is that on the balcony with Kevin?"

sandman55

27-04-2008, 01:58 PM

The Catholic Blonde

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?

mowerman

28-04-2008, 07:54 PM

Should I send this to WWF?

Orrsum

29-04-2008, 03:57 PM

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through

she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart

what do you think I should do?'

He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Donny Boy

29-04-2008, 06:07 PM

An American Decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

So, the American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the Yank .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'. ::):D

sandman55

29-04-2008, 10:59 PM

Ok What did Philip do his stance gives him away and the Queen does not look pleased ;D

Donny Boy

30-04-2008, 11:51 AM

" I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others."

Nice one Sandman,..... nice one !

sandman55

01-05-2008, 03:00 PM

Hell hath no Fury

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day she agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

ivegotabigone

01-05-2008, 04:05 PM

:o Good to see eve the royals let one slip now and again! Or rip!

sandman55

03-05-2008, 12:55 AM

Harry’s Ambition
Harry’s ambition in life was to be a chicken farmer and he worked and saved to achieve his goal.
On the evening that Harry and his wife moved into their new farm they celebrated with one too many bottles of wine and they crawled into bed to sleep it off.
Harry kissed his wife and as soon as his head hit the pillow he was asleep.
All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry and I’ve just achieved my life’s ambition to be a chicken farmer "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "we only have a position for a dog or a hen.
You will have to choose."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run on his new farm and really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' a beautiful egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" and all the chickens gathered around and they all clucked and cheered Harry on he felt so proud. So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground all the chickens clucked ecstatically.
Then he heard in the distance the faint call of his wife “Harry” then a little louder “Harry” then very loud "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you've **** all over the bed!"

charleville

04-05-2008, 06:36 PM

http://img.skitch.com/20080504-ga2ckcms64xptcm391h1h9yhrr.preview.jpg (http://skitch.com/charleville2/k2x8/irish-diet)Click for full size (http://skitch.com/charleville2/k2x8/irish-diet) - Uploaded with plasq (http://plasq.com)'s Skitch (http://skitch.com)

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

mowerman

05-05-2008, 08:11 PM

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little b***ard on your knee!

BGG

06-05-2008, 08:31 AM

READ THIS ALOUD AND LAUGH

This was nominated for one of the best e-mails of 1999. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud!"

G: "You're welcome."

__________________________________________________ ______________________

BGG

06-05-2008, 05:36 PM

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh1t all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

littlejim

06-05-2008, 05:46 PM

Those who can't follow spoken German might like to watch " the Wrong Bike".

Warning: not for those who can't handle very, very, naughty words, or for those who are one eyed BMW riders.

http://www.brainsweb.co.uk/uploads/the-wrong-bike.wmv

coucho

07-05-2008, 08:59 AM

hope he has some good insurance
26478

NAGG

07-05-2008, 09:06 AM

Doh!:'( ...... That hurts

FNQCairns

07-05-2008, 09:08 AM

Gee! great pic and a low speed impact!!!

cheers fnq

bdowdy

07-05-2008, 09:09 AM

::) ::) :o at least the boat looks like its alright;) ;) ;D

Outsider1

07-05-2008, 09:10 AM

And the trailer rollers seem to work:-X:o

Dave

whiting-wizard

07-05-2008, 09:11 AM

ahaha nice pic mate

07-05-2008, 09:18 AM

that gives a whole new outlook on a 'car topper'

Savage Scorpion

07-05-2008, 12:34 PM

Monica Lewinsky was walking along a beach one day when she came accross an Aladdins Lamp and decided to pick it up and give it a rub and to her astonishment a Jeanie appeared.

The Jeanie was so thankfull for being released from the lamp that he immediately granted her three wishes. However when he looked at her for a bit longer and discovered that she was Monika Lewinsky he appologised and said because she was Monika Lewinsky and had an affair with most powerfull man on earth being the President of the United States of America and she had made millions of dollars he could only grant her one wish.

Monica thought about this and decided that this was fair. So said the Jeanie what is it you wish. Monika looked down at her hips and decided that she would wish to lose her "love handles". This replied the Jeanie I can grant you.

Next there was this great bang, crash and a great puff of smoke.

And then her ears fell off.

nuggstar

07-05-2008, 01:34 PM

hahaha hehe

sandman55

07-05-2008, 01:40 PM

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

Orrsum

08-05-2008, 09:13 AM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about five minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a s@#t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age

alleycat

08-05-2008, 01:23 PM

The last time i played gold with a woman she was hit with a ball and knocked out by a miss hit blistering drive, when we contacted the ambulance thier first question they asked was where was she hit?, to which we replied " between the first and second hole" and suprisingly the reply to us was " struth that doesnt leave much room for a bandaide does it".

aussiefool

09-05-2008, 04:45 AM

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

Scroll Down

WARNING! GRAPHIC PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE

OF A MAN

WITH JUST SECONDS

LEFT TO LIVE

(CHILLING!)

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:115D92B1C46D40F486462EFA8BE97542@Carolc6b5e4ea bc

aussiefool

09-05-2008, 04:47 AM

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

'Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

' However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...

'You r**t her again.'

BGG

09-05-2008, 07:38 PM

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again......

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4'stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

groverwa

09-05-2008, 08:26 PM

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

BGG

11-05-2008, 08:18 AM

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: ' So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

Cammy

11-05-2008, 11:49 PM

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Cammo

danryan75

12-05-2008, 03:17 PM

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real
notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have
been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please
execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland fro m p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He
was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre
dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We
thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Mary ann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our
kids.

stevedemon

17-05-2008, 03:55 PM

Subject:
id ten t error

This says it all

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11
year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and
asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved
the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll
figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T;D:'(;D

I used to like Eric...;D8-);D

stevedemon

18-05-2008, 12:00 AM

Outlawed

BY A 15 yr. Old SCHOOL KID IN GEELONG VIC:

Since the Pledge of Allegiance & The Lord's Prayer
are not allowed in most public schools
anymore, because the word 'God' is mentioned..

A kid in Geelong Vic wrote the attached:-

NEW School prayer :

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offence - it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We’re allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It’s scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take !!!
Amen
If you aren't ashamed to do this,
please pass this on.
Jesus said,
'If you are ashamed of me,
I will be ashamed of you before my Father.'

littlejim

22-05-2008, 06:13 PM

Good joke Steve but where's the punch line?

Chimo

23-05-2008, 04:52 PM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

akman1

23-05-2008, 09:30 PM

not very nice

Cammy

23-05-2008, 09:33 PM

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?" ;D ;)

A dream for some.;)

Cammo

johnny roger

24-05-2008, 01:03 AM

WOMAN'S DIARY

Saturday 3rd May 2008

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late
meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went
somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed
and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was
saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.

He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and
turned the television on.

After about ten ! minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs
to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him
deeply.

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.

MAN'S DIARY

Saturday 3rd May 2008

Collingwood lost.

Gutted.

Got a r&%t though.

johnny roger

24-05-2008, 01:09 AM

Husband and wife are shopping in Pak and Save when the man picks up
a carton of XXXX and sticks them into the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on special, only $20 for 24 cans", he says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.?
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF XXXX AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE"

Have a great weekend.

Chimo

25-05-2008, 07:23 PM

Making a baby!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

Alex The Angler

26-05-2008, 03:46 PM

Who wants to be a millionaire - Irish version

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of £500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "But to get the $1million, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question...will you have a go?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"OK. The question is, 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own Nest?

(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush."

I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone m' friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with (a) Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer? Lock it in?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in"

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know fook-all about birds."

"Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Chimo

27-05-2008, 04:08 PM

Male or Female?You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it wouldbe male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

baitwaster

28-05-2008, 10:59 AM

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning

she told her husband that she had slept over at a

friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best

friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he

told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's

house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was
still there.

stevedemon

28-05-2008, 08:57 PM

6 degrees of blonde

> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´ *:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> FIRST DEGREE
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
> The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
> and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
> some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> SECOND DEGREE
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
> the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
> mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
> says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
> The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.
> -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> THIRD DEGREE
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
> so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
> unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
> in the arms of a redhead.
> Well, the blonde is really angry.
> She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
> she is overcome with grief.
> She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> FOURTH DEGREE
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> FIFTH DEGREE
> What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> 'Is it mine?'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
> SIXTH DEGREE
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> ransacked and burglarized.
> She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
> The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
> patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
> blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> dog,
> then sat down on the steps.
> Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
> possessions stolen.
> I call the police for help, and what do they do?
> They send me a BLIND policeman.'
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

whiting-wizard

28-05-2008, 09:20 PM

Little grey men

29-05-2008, 03:25 PM

Paddy and Mick are sitting at the bar having a quiet drink when a woman approaches them. She wiggles inbetween them and asks "how would you two like to have a good time ?"
Okay den they say.
She gets them back to her place and tells them " you both have to wear protection otherwise I'll get pregnant.
Okay den they say.

Five years later, Paddy and Mick are sitting on their front porch, with upset looks on their faces, the silence if defeaning.
Finally Mick yells out angrily.
" I DON"T CARE IF SHE DOES GET PREGNANT, I"M TAKIN MINE OFF "

Breambuster33

29-05-2008, 05:09 PM

Chimo

29-05-2008, 05:25 PM

Subject: The Bicycle

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone elses bicycle!

stevedemon

30-05-2008, 07:14 AM

> Psychopath Test;D8-)
>
> Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
> bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it
> reads. No one I know has gotten it right.
>

While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did
> not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her
> dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but
> never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later
> she killed her sister.
>
> Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
>
> Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer:
> She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If
> you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a
> test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one
> has the same mentality as a killer.
>
> Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the
> question correctly.
>
> If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
>
> If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you
> off my e-mail list.;D:P;D
>

johnny roger

30-05-2008, 07:25 AM

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. Anonymous http://graphics.hotmail.com/i.p.emwink.gif

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

aussiefool

30-05-2008, 12:15 PM

This morning on the way to work I Rear-ended a car at some lights
whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway the fella who was driving got out... And he was a dwarf!!!!

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well which one are you then"

slyman

30-05-2008, 01:14 PM

After hearing his blonde girlfriends distressed cry, her boyfriend walked into the dining room to see her with her head in her hands. What's wrong he asked? The blonde replied"I can't get this jigsaw to look anything like it's supposed to" . Maybe I can help,the boyfriend offers, what's it supposed to be? "it's a rooster like the one on the box". The boyfriend smiles & says" come on , lets have a nice cup of tea, then we'll put all the cornflakes back in the box".

slyman

30-05-2008, 01:15 PM

A woman asked man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours???"
"No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints."

Chimo

30-05-2008, 01:35 PM

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

Chimo

30-05-2008, 01:41 PM

Another blonde joke

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. He sits waiting for his mate thinking he is in a male dominated saloon, so after sitting waiting for awhile he yells to the bartender..... 'Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'before you tell that joke mate, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know that

1. 'The bartender is a blonde woman who is very good with a baseball bat'
2. 'The bouncer is a blonde woman
3. 'I'm a 6 foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate'
4. 'The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter'
5. 'The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler'

'Now, think about it seriously mate, do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters... 'no, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.';)

Chimo

30-05-2008, 01:45 PM

In an attempt to be totally even handed.................:-*

THE WASHCLOTH
Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed. There isn't a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said,
'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond..
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR. EVER!

TimiBoy

30-05-2008, 01:59 PM

This Duck walks into a bar at lunchtime, steps up to the counter and takes a seat. He orders a toasted cheese sandwich, and a beer. The Bartender is somewhat taken aback, but he takes care of the Duck, who pays and leaves after consuming the vittles. "Holy crap!" He thinks, "A talking Duck!"

Next day, the Duck comes in, same deal.

Next day, and every day after that, same deal, toasted cheese sandwich, and a beer. Eventually the Bartender strikes up a conversation with the duck. "So what do you do for a living?" he asks. The Duck responds "I'm a Bricklayer."

A couple of weeks later the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster comes to the pub after setting up, and the Bartender can't help himself - "Hey Mr. Ringmaster, there's this Duck who comes in every day, and he can talk! You really need him in the circus!" The Ringmaster likes the idea, and asks the Bartender to set up a meeting.

Next day the Duck comes in as usual, and orders. The Barman says "Hey, come in here tonight, you have to meet the Ringmaster, he wants you in the circus!"

The Duck looks at him and asks "What the f*** do they want with a Brickie?"

johnny roger

30-05-2008, 02:33 PM

well it took me a while, but i i finally got it....very good. :-)

Deestingray

30-05-2008, 02:53 PM

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works - he was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time .

Sadly Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home, his wife contacted the Gardia to investigate him missing, they rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grappel full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper.....................

.

.

.

.

OYSTERS KILL PATRICK

Xahn1960

31-05-2008, 11:56 AM

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Australia...

Well, there's really a simple answer.....

Nobody bothered to check the oil ! We just didn't know we were getting low...

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our oil is located in;

Bass Strait,
East Queensland Shale Fields
Canning Basin
Perth Basin
And
North-West Continental Shelf

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra!!!!

Any Questions?????

NO? I didn't think so.

stevedemon

31-05-2008, 06:37 PM

A minister http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:000d01c8c2e0$88952e00$e051efdc@ron7klyxt3mi4od ecided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind'

The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.' http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:000e01c8c2e0$88952e00$e051efdc@ron7klyxt3mi4o

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,

A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:000f01c8c2e0$88952e00$e051efdc@ron7klyxt3mi4o
Pass this along and make someone smile today (I just did).

Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:001001c8c2e0$88952e00$e051efdc@ron7klyxt3mi4o

Laugh... It burns calories

stevedemon

31-05-2008, 06:38 PM

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:00a601c8c2c9$b445d6b0$9a92ad3a@comp
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

stevedemon

31-05-2008, 06:40 PM

OOPS!!(Ascot) to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their wee wees to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th grade.'

'No, ma'am, ' he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.

WestcoastPete

02-06-2008, 08:34 PM

What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it man...

stevedemon

02-06-2008, 08:52 PM

Petrol prices

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
"Nobody" bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in :
~~~
Bass Strait
~~~
East Queensland Shale Fields
~~~
Canning Basin
~~~
Perth Basin & North-West Continental Shelf
~~~

Our DIPSTICKS Are located in
Canberra!!!

Any Questions ?
NO.....I didn't Have Any Either.

stevedemon

02-06-2008, 08:57 PM

Pension

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for my Social Security last week.

After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman

there asked me for my driver's license to verify my identity and age. I looked in my pockets

and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.

I told the lady that I was Very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.

'I'll have to go get it and come back later,' I said. At that point, she said to me, 'Unbutton

your shirt.' I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and, with that, she promptly

processed my application. When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience

At the Social Security Office.

She listened to the whole story and then said, 'You should have Dropped your pants, you might

have gotten disability, too.'

stevedemon

02-06-2008, 09:04 PM

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments', answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.'
We really watched a tape called 'Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair !

Donny Boy

03-06-2008, 10:55 AM

"What the f*** do they want with a Brickie?"

Very good Tim, very good.

Donny Boy

03-06-2008, 11:04 AM

A coupla quick ones

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - and get married
The ceremony was crap,.................... but the Reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really f*****g heavy"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy walks into an Army Surplus store & says " You got any camoflage pants ?"
Bloke says, " Mate, I got thousands.............. but I can't find 'em !"

charleville

03-06-2008, 06:51 PM

Jack: "Hear about the dog that liked to eat garlic?"

Bill: "No."

Jack: "Its bark was worse than its bite!"

;D ;D ;D

.

slyman

03-06-2008, 07:06 PM

Man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm, says to the bartender,

"schooner of gold for me and one for the road thanks"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another man walks into a bar with a plate a sandwiches in his hand and asks for a couple of drinks, bartender says,

"sorry mate we dont serve food in here"

simon

stevedemon

03-06-2008, 09:11 PM

Never take Men shopping against their will...

TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO........... After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired,
Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like
most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following
letter from her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
"Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
lay -b y.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by
using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least ..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Donny Boy

04-06-2008, 10:36 AM

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the " Mission Impossible" theme.

That's magnificent..........mate, did this give me some ideas or what !!!!

stevedemon

04-06-2008, 08:32 PM

Hi donny boy the friend that sent this to me the words where as follows:'(:'(

had this sent to me when i read this it reminded me of you when you go shopping with your wife and stir the staff in any store HEHAHEHA ;D;D
nice to have friend that think so well of you :P:'(:P

ye they know me well8-)8-) and the wife no longer takes me shopping;D;D yipppppeeeee!!;D8-)

just wish i had more fishing time ;D

Cheers ;D
Steve 8-)

disorderly

04-06-2008, 08:50 PM

Stevedemon....
mate, that's the most hilarious joke I've read in a long time.
I just cant stop laughing.
Great effort bloke.http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/../yabbfiles/Templates/Forum/default/grin.gif

Scott

Scott nthQld

05-06-2008, 06:30 PM

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone, he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

stevedemon

05-06-2008, 11:09 PM

Warning - watch out for 'goodtimes' virus

Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower. Listen to me. Goodtimes does not exist. It cannot do anything to you. But I can. I am sending this message to everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your family. If anyone else sends me another E-mail about this fake Goodtimes Virus, I will turn hating them into a religion. I will do things to them that would make a horsehead in your bed look like Easter Sunday brunch.

snatch

05-06-2008, 11:35 PM

What do the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for klingons.

reelcrazy

07-06-2008, 03:22 AM

The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the
talk of the town. After being married a year, The couple went to
the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending
nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old
gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, The couple returned to the hospital for the
birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the
delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She
said, 'Sir, You are something else. How do you manage it?' The old
man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor
running.'

A year later, The couple returned to the hospital for the birth of
their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and
after the delivery, She once again approached the old gentleman,
Smiled, And said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you
do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, 'You
got to keep the old motor running'

The nurse, Still smiling, Patted him on the back and said: Well, I
guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.

stevedemon

07-06-2008, 01:45 PM

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

stevedemon

07-06-2008, 01:52 PM

The attorney

> >> An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
> >> stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
> >> midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
> >> and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
> >>
> >> As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
> >> about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
> >> been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.'
> >>
> >> And on and on and on.
> >>
> >> Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
> >> poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
> >> the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
> >> himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife
> >> answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been
> >> granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
> >> tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she
> >> decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
> >>
> >> As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
> >> husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
> >>
> >> "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
> >>
> >> To which he whirled around and screamed,
> >>
> >>
> >> "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

Dezzer

08-06-2008, 09:07 AM

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

snagking

08-06-2008, 06:22 PM

A blond, a brunette, and a red head were running away from the police when they ran into an old abandoned warehouse. There were three sacks. they each jumped into one just as a cop entered the room. The cop went around and kicked the first bag which said cats. The brunette who was inside said meow and the cop left it alone. He kicked the next bag which said dogs. The red head who was inside said wolf and the cop left that sack alone. The cop then kicked the final bag which said potato. The blond who was inside then said " Potato"

stevedemon

09-06-2008, 10:17 AM

?

?

Subject: ?Adam

?

?

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On The other side of the
Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache
?

stevedemon

09-06-2008, 10:17 AM

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her
making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk..

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of baththe whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
fan on..

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her
and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

stevedemon

09-06-2008, 10:18 AM

Theft Problem

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep
and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The
replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these,
and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my
thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life
in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains
to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my
original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long
skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing
to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting
scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could
they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey
neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell
the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body
parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has
something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX.

This is happening to women everywhere - every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my boobs. I was lying on my
back and they were gone! But when I jumped up, I was relieved to see
that they had just been hiding in my armpits. Now I keep them hidden in
my waistband.

Taipan

10-06-2008, 06:44 PM

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, 'Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.
A moment later two military police ran up and asked, 'Sister have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said she understood completely.
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs.'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of testes.... I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

stevedemon

10-06-2008, 09:35 PM

A cop was on his horse
waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped
beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop
said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little
girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike
over and handed the girl a $5 ticket

for a safety
violation.

The cop said, 'Next
year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on

the back of it!'

The young girl looked
up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse

you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the
girl, he chuckled and answered,

'Yes, he sure did!'

The cop and the little girl

The little girl looked
up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa;

The dick goes
underneath the horse, not on top

SIRO

13-06-2008, 01:55 PM

Did you hear about the two baked beans that went hitch hiking around Australia ?

They ended up in Cairns.

Scott nthQld

13-06-2008, 02:24 PM

The world's smartest man?

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Scott nthQld

13-06-2008, 02:26 PM

Are blind pilots flying?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Scott nthQld

13-06-2008, 02:28 PM

Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

Scott nthQld

13-06-2008, 02:31 PM

Visiting the lawyer

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

Scott nthQld

13-06-2008, 02:35 PM

Taxi driver in Heaven

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

Scott nthQld

13-06-2008, 02:41 PM

How was your game?

How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Scott nthQld

13-06-2008, 02:47 PM

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

Scott nthQld

13-06-2008, 02:49 PM

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Scott nthQld

13-06-2008, 02:57 PM

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

gogetter

13-06-2008, 04:16 PM

how do you know when you are too drunk to drive?????;)

when you swere to mis a tree and realize its the air freshner hanging off your mirror..:o :o :o :P ;D :) ;D 8-)

DEANO68

13-06-2008, 05:40 PM

one day long long ago there was a women who never winged or complained......
but it was a long time ago and it was for just one day.....;)

snatch

13-06-2008, 05:45 PM

***BREAKING NEWS*

A man was found dead in inner Sydney this morning dressed in Fishnet stockings, ladies knickers, high heels and a NSW origin jumper. Police have removed the jumper to save any embarassment.

Black_Rat

13-06-2008, 06:54 PM

What's the difference between the NSW state of Origin side and a toothpick ......

A toothpick has at least one point :-X ;D ;D ;D

Scott nthQld

13-06-2008, 09:33 PM

So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!

stevedemon

14-06-2008, 10:41 PM

A young blonde woman in Sydney Australia was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy.' The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who stowed me away,'she explained. 'I get food and free passage to Europe and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the captain said. 'This is the Manly Ferry.'

stevedemon

14-06-2008, 10:43 PM

When Cardboard Men Come In Handy

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled Vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.

'Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!!! !' says the blonde.

'Those are my emergency flashers!'

stevedemon

14-06-2008, 10:46 PM

Hello,

I've got 3 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Pack-n-Save and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an Intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door grabbing his chest.
Stupid woman...why else would I buy dog food??

stevedemon

14-06-2008, 10:46 PM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking through t h e park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

blaze

15-06-2008, 01:16 AM

put a smile on the dial

stevedemon

15-06-2008, 07:25 PM

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's D##K off and tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the D###K splattered into their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the roof.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?':-[:-[

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.................:o:o

'Had a big dick, didn't it?';D;D

Outsider1

15-06-2008, 09:57 PM

For the Baby Boomers;

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

Cheers

Dave

Scott nthQld

16-06-2008, 02:31 PM

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Buy jewellery for her.
Buy flowers for her.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings and beer.
Don't block the TV.

Chimo

16-06-2008, 02:31 PM

Hey Dave

Nice

Cheers
Chimo GOM

Breambuster33

16-06-2008, 04:38 PM

stevedemon

16-06-2008, 05:56 PM

Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:011b01c8cf73$bd0d1900$a192ad3a@comp
Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
------------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men?
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !

AND MAXINE SAYS.. .......'MARVIN'...

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:011c01c8cf73$bd0d1900$a192ad3a@comp

Maxine just had to have the last word...lol

She thinks ......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ........Nev

stevedemon

16-06-2008, 05:59 PM

The Sheriff in a small town is walking down main street when he sees a blond cowboy coming towards him wearing just his boots and a cowboy hat, so he arrests him.
As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why on earth are you dressed like that?'
The Cowboy says: 'Well, it happened like this Sheriff.'
'I was in a bar just outside of town when this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor-home with her. So I did.'
'We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to take off my shirt. So I did.'
'Then she removes her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did.'
'Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to take off my shorts. So I did.'
'She looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...' So I did.'
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun, blonde men do exist!

stevedemon

16-06-2008, 06:01 PM

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against th e tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

stevedemon

16-06-2008, 06:08 PM

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

DANGEROUS:

SAFER:

SAFEST:

ULTRA SAFE:

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

ARE YOU

WEARING THAT?

WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!

WOW!

LOOK AT YOU!

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

WHAT ARE YOU

SO WORKED UP ABOUT?

COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?

HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.

CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?

HERE, HAVE

SOME WINE.

WHAT DID

YOU DO

ALL DAY?

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!

HERE, HAVE

SOME MORE

WINE.

12 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING

3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE

4. PUFFY MID-SECTION

5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK

6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS

7. PARDON MY SOBBING

8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE

9. PASS MY SWEATS

10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME

11. PACK MY STUFF

& MY FAVORITE ONE

12. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR HORMONAL FRIENDS & THOSE WHO MIGHT NEED A GOOD LAUGH!!

...OR MEN WHO MAY NEED WARNING!!

& REMEMBER: MONEY TALKS..... BUT CHOCOLATE ROCKS!!

stevedemon

16-06-2008, 06:09 PM

We've all met one of these...

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:00aa01c8cf70$1a2f3f90$a192ad3a@comp
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:00ab01c8cf70$1a2f3f90$a192ad3a@comp
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS

stevedemon

16-06-2008, 06:15 PM

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man.. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my slate floor in the main entrance of the house!

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your floor, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of
'broke' do you not understand?'

Dignity

16-06-2008, 08:42 PM

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your
elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten' s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful
World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about
their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For ?10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?j

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about Pensioners:
Last Of The...?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What is 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Err...
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by
Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ERR...ERR...Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you
try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at
any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.
Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

stevedemon

18-06-2008, 10:44 PM

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ..'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

stevedemon

18-06-2008, 10:45 PM

Possibly the best come-back ever!

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:

'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches it's
all brand new.'

stevedemon

18-06-2008, 10:50 PM

Do not shoot the messenger it was actually sent to me a good friend who is Muslim

Ahmed and Hamid

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney. Ahmed is very successful at his chosen career: he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and he always seems to have a lot of money to spend.

Hamid is not such a good beggar: he only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day.

Ahmed says; 'Well for a start let's look at your sign. It says : I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.' Aussies who see that sign do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family whether they give you money or not! Now look at my sign and you will see why I receive so much money every day.'

So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads:I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon!!!

stevedemon

18-06-2008, 10:51 PM

reelcrazy

19-06-2008, 06:46 AM

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

Dignity

19-06-2008, 06:56 PM

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then
visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently
once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition:
Whenever I sneeze I have an org **sm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

mowerman

19-06-2008, 07:06 PM

Just in case you weren't feeling "too" old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who started university this year across the nation were born in 1989.

Star Wars is older than them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

They have always had an answering machine

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They have always had CD's, never records. (or cassettes)

Ray Martin has been on Channel 9 their entire life.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even was.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate

mowerman

19-06-2008, 07:09 PM

Please read the entire thing for the correct impact..........

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you seethree people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowingthat there could only be one passenger in your car?Think before you continue reading

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actuallyused as part of a job application. You could pick upthe old lady, because she is going to die, and thusyou should save her first. Or you could take the oldfriend because he once saved your life, and this wouldbe the perfect chance to pay him back. However, youmay never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) hadno trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and lethim take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behindand wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up ourstubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Thinkoutside of the Box."

HOWEVER..

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and puther out of her misery, have sex with the perfectpartner on the hood of the car, then drive off withthe old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

Outsider1

19-06-2008, 07:51 PM

A mate sent this one to me last night. I am still wiping the tears of laughter away!

This is an oldie but a goodie...I remember it is particularly funny when the person telling it is pithed !

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a Male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth"

Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth"

"Can I thee her earzth ? "
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth"

"Can I see her mouf'? "
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf"

"Can I see her twat'? "
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and plops him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit ?"

alphas

19-06-2008, 10:08 PM

What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe????????????????

ROBERTO

sparkyice

20-06-2008, 04:42 AM

A Newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full
of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man...

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the Newf. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The Newf looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The Newf poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

Well, what?," says the Newfie.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

The FISH," replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the Newfie.

Chimo

20-06-2008, 08:35 PM

Mirror

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

NAGG

30-06-2008, 09:51 AM

Not really a joke ...... but funny all the same

Nagg

29918 Southern Huntin dorgs

Chimo

03-07-2008, 05:26 PM

At last now I understand and so too will you after reading this;D

Cheers
Chimo

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

https://www.mail2world.com/attach/pberg_mail2Man_com/A4EA9C61-AF33-456D-9F37-C0CE2513D077image001.jpg

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

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'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

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'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

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The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

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'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

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Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.

Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

Scott nthQld

08-07-2008, 02:20 PM

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Workers' Compensation board.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure . . .
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.
I put `poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 225kg.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 61kg.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 23kg.
I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.