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Dignity
04-12-2006, 05:57 PM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs.Ward,please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.
"Normally we can, but OHIP will only pay for these expensive tests
onetime."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at OHIP recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

imported_admin
05-12-2006, 10:28 PM
Just found this on my hard drive while I was doing some sorting out.

This was around the net in 1998 and was one of the most E-mailed files of its time. It was done originally without the music just to demo what the software that it was done in could do. Someone added the music and around the world it went. Just found it on my hard drive so thought I would share.

It is called Dancing Baby or Ooga Baby

There was one around of a Fishing Baby but the file on my system want play, will see it I can find it.



http://www.ausfish.com.au/baby/oogababy.avi


The image is a bit pixelated in this version as teh media player stretches the image.

Original file is at http://www.ausfish.com.au/baby/oogababy.avi

fish2eat
06-12-2006, 12:35 PM
get out he christmas jokes

harry_h01
06-12-2006, 02:40 PM
Merry Christmas

harry_h01
06-12-2006, 02:41 PM
;D

harry_h01
06-12-2006, 02:42 PM
8-)

PADDLES
07-12-2006, 09:17 AM
A man walked into the produce section of this local supermarket in Sydney and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some @sshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Brisbane, sir" the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Brisbane?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and football players!"

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Brisbane."

"No sh!t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?

Lone_Wolf
08-12-2006, 02:23 PM
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him
his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole
in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is
this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand,
one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping
aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and
cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy
Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers
for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and everyone
of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir
Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight!
Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my
power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

imported_admin
08-12-2006, 04:24 PM
On the subject of Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/v/Natn4bAfEk0

marlinqld
08-12-2006, 04:27 PM
LMAO what a classic Steve...and how true is it??????? ;D

Mike

fish2eat
12-12-2006, 03:10 PM
more for Christmas

PinHead
12-12-2006, 04:11 PM
Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsmen applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he were an Englishman?
A. An allrounder

Q.What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they are not English

Q. What is the English version of a hat trick?
A. 3 runs in 3 balls

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Englsih batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiet English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another sad horrific English series

Q. What's the English verion of LBW?
A. Lost, beaten and walloped

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

roz
12-12-2006, 04:34 PM
Greg,

You're a man that shares my sense of humour.

Only TWO more sleeps!!!! Yeeee Haaaaa!!! :) :) :) :) :)

cheers roz.

BTW (I've said this before) but ,what's the best thing about Christmas?
A. The Boxing Day Test!!

Canoedle
12-12-2006, 06:58 PM
Geez, and we almost thought they were going to put up a fight there too, for about an hour. ::)

Dignity
12-12-2006, 08:22 PM
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was
the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Dignity
12-12-2006, 08:22 PM
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed

25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?" The proud father answers: "17 pounds". The bartender is puzzled and concerned. What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born. The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says "Had him circumcised!"

Dignity
13-12-2006, 08:41 PM
When Insults had real Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wild

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one." Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder

Dignity
13-12-2006, 08:42 PM
Christmas cards for the disturbed........................

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy, can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle .......

Poodroo
15-12-2006, 06:34 AM
Dear Napisan,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used
It since the beginning of my married life, when my Mum told me it
was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find
it even better. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on
my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to
berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his
blood on my white blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I
Purchased a bottle of liquid Napisan with bleach alternative, and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all the stains came out. In fact, the
stains came out so well, that the detectives who came by yesterday
told me the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney
called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect
in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief I thank you, once
again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the GladBag people.

Signed, A Relieved Menopausal Wife

freddofrog
15-12-2006, 12:25 PM
Go to put on your office wall

beaross
16-12-2006, 12:22 AM
A bloke was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my bloody shoes on!"

Dignity
20-12-2006, 08:38 PM
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

gogecko
21-12-2006, 10:20 AM
Fishing in New Zealand.

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/5/Jump+Fishing/

Hoges
21-12-2006, 09:33 PM
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but

Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." [smiley=shocked.gif]

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
[smiley=thumbsup.gif]

Dignity
21-12-2006, 11:12 PM
Little Johnny Christmas story.

Johnny goes to his mother and says "Mum, I want a bike for Christmas". She goes " No way , you've been an absolute brat this year, go and pray to God, that is the only way"

So he goes to his room and writes a letter "Dear God, I have beeen a good boy all year and I want a bike for Christams" Johny reads the letter and thinks, God knows I haven't been good so he tears the letter up and starts again. "Dear God, I have tried to be a good boy all year and I want a bike for christmas." After he has finished he decides God knows he hasn't really tried so he throws this letter in the bin. He then decides he needs to go for a walk.

As he is passing the local church he goes in and decides he will pray to God to get abike. On his way out he passes by several statues and decides to pull the statue of the Viirgin Mary out and take it home. When he gets home he puts the statue under the bed and starts another letter.

"Dear God, I have your mumma, if you want her back ..................."

Merry Christmas to all and hope you have a safe one and see you all next year. I am off to Awinya Creek on Fraser and be back just in time for the New Year.

Sam

harry_h01
22-12-2006, 07:18 AM
For those of you who have wondered what Santa goes through prior to Xmas, read below.


Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from CASA.It was shortly before Christmas when the examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride.

Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a rifle.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Oldsalt
28-12-2006, 10:11 AM
They have decided to name the new stand at the MCG after Shane Warne they're calling it the One Night Stand

Chimo
01-01-2007, 07:43 AM
A Happy Healthy New Year to All Ausfishers


Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Cammy
02-01-2007, 10:50 PM
this is old and stupid and is probly on here already

y did the blonde climb over the glass wall - to see wot was on the other

side

charleville
04-01-2007, 09:03 AM
Cricket lovers and others will roll around the floor over this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Wj-RHiD3fg

mines_bigger
04-01-2007, 04:07 PM
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen poddy mullet. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

caught-ya
04-01-2007, 05:05 PM
there was a blonde and a brunette walking through a park,
the brunette stops and says "aaawww look at the dead birdy"

the blonde stops and looks up and says "where"?? ;D ;D

bassamundi,

caught-ya
04-01-2007, 05:15 PM
there was a blonde a brunnette and a red head and they were all sitting in a bar and they all hear about this magic mirror in the bathroom that gives you things if you sat something true and if you say a lie you get sucked into the mirror forever

so the brunnette goes into the bathroom and says to the mirror " I think i'm the most prettiest girl in the bar" and boof, she gets one million dollars.

then the red head walks in and says " i think i'm the most pretiest girl in the bar" and boof, she gets a car.

then the blonde walks in and says "i think" and boof, she gets sucked into the mirror forever ;D ;D

bassamundi,

caught-ya
04-01-2007, 06:18 PM
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, :There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager." ;D ;D

bassamundi

caught-ya
04-01-2007, 06:28 PM
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." :o ;D ;D

bassamundi,

jtpython
04-01-2007, 06:45 PM
Thought this was pretty stupid. Enuff to laugh at it thou

;D
An expedition kayaker gets lost in a chain of deserted islands. Paddling well after sunset he finally camps on a sandy beach. He wakes up and notices the sand is dark red. The sky is dark red. He walks around and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!" he says, "I've been marooned!"

Dignity
04-01-2007, 07:20 PM
# # A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." #:o ;D ;D

bassamundi,


me thinks this was on a NSW beach and the "another man" was "kiwi mate" - now it makes more sense

Dignity
04-01-2007, 07:22 PM
ok so christmas is over nut...................


The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White
stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she
went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a
cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can
anyone hear me". A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "England
will win the Ashes"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

Dignity
04-01-2007, 07:24 PM
while on the subject

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.



"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."



The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

harry_h01
05-01-2007, 08:49 AM
The English cricket board are making a help-line available for disillusioned fans who are disappointed with their team's 'shock' crushing by Australia in the 2006/2007 Ashes Tour.

The help-line number is 1800 10 10 10


That's 1800 won nothing won nothing won nothing!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------


Question: What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a English cricket shirt to bed?


Answer: You ain't gonna score!!!


---------------------------------------------------------------


Osama Bin Laden has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday.

To prove that appearance was not pre-recorded Osama stated that he, "watched the Ashes on the weekend and England were crap!"

UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could of happened any time over the decade.


--------------------------------------------------------------


Question: What is the difference between England and an arsonist?

Answer: An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches...

mitch_05
05-01-2007, 02:48 PM
couple windows error's ;)

mitch_05
05-01-2007, 02:48 PM
1

mitch_05
05-01-2007, 02:49 PM
2

mitch_05
05-01-2007, 02:49 PM
3

mitch_05
05-01-2007, 02:50 PM
4

mitch_05
05-01-2007, 02:51 PM
5

charleville
08-01-2007, 07:22 PM
A picture of a sign that my son just sent me from his hotel in San Francisco...


only in America... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Joe N
22-01-2007, 04:30 PM
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady. Standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her "Your hair
smells nice."

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write
a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Derek!....................... "The dwarf."

Joe N
22-01-2007, 04:32 PM
Prime Minister John Howard was visiting a primary school and he visited
one
of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the
discussion
on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
"tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a
farm, is playing in the
field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a
'tragedy'".
" No," said Howard, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty
children
drove over a cliff,
killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister
"That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
John searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example
of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a
quiet
voice he said:
"If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Howard was struck by a
"friendly
fire" missile and blown
to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed John Howard. "That's right. And can you tell me
why
that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't
be a great loss
and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either."

FISHNICK
23-01-2007, 11:57 AM
PROUD TO BE A QUEENSLANDER

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Aussie bar when he gets a Call on
his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round
of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just
produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, “That's about average in Queensland and
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.”
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of
"STRUTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2
weeks we were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?

The proud father answers, '17 pounds" The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX BEER, Wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............
"Had him circumcised"

FISHNICK
24-01-2007, 01:43 PM
'THE OLD BOAT'.......



There were these twins, Jim and John.

Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that

John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for

John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Fact is I'm sort

of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the

beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like

old dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in

the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used

her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what

finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys

looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they

wanted to use her anyway. The fools all tried to get in her at once

and she split right up the middle"
..................................The old woman fainted.

FISHNICK
25-01-2007, 08:15 AM
WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

FISHNICK
26-01-2007, 10:27 AM
DOG FOR SALE!

A guy is driving around Walcha and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar, he never did any of that stuff........

Joe N
26-01-2007, 04:18 PM
Uh-oh!

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called
"The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new
face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects
were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the
knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two
annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the
knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your
breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

Joe N
28-01-2007, 03:47 PM
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child
custody
law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that
his Aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to
live
with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his
grandparents,
the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English
Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating
anyone".

revs57
29-01-2007, 01:33 PM
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

FISHNICK
29-01-2007, 01:44 PM
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not to me personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to my sister!"

----------------------

FISHNICK
29-01-2007, 02:13 PM
A man escapes from prison, breaks into a house and finds a couple sleeping. He orders the husband out of bed at knifepoint and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes to the bathroom.
The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife, "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist-just do whatever he tells you, and with any luck we'll make it out alive.......
Stay strong honey, I love you."
"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck," his wife whispers back. "He was talking in my ear. He told me he thought you were really cute and then asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom under the sink........
Stay strong honey, I love you too."

seabug
30-01-2007, 12:02 AM
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the bank clerk at the window, "I want to open a damn current account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn current account, right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
the clerk leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
Ah dont´t worry Mary I deal with the ole cod.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem dipstick," the man says, "I just won 5 million in the damned lottery and I want to open a damn current account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

FISHNICK
31-01-2007, 08:26 AM
Little Johnny


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground

and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and

Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself

as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the

woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane

a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane

helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an

interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I

want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's

car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was

giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and

Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to

do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you

interrupt.

Cruiser
31-01-2007, 11:37 AM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Cruiser
31-01-2007, 11:38 AM
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Cruiser
31-01-2007, 11:39 AM
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.

"Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Cruiser
31-01-2007, 11:40 AM
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."

Cruiser
31-01-2007, 11:40 AM
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute". She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

FISHNICK
31-01-2007, 12:31 PM
"Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries.... "

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He
appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will
send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

FISHNICK
01-02-2007, 08:50 AM
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In
return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd
gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and
the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up
again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand
went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll
try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle".

Chimo
01-02-2007, 08:55 AM
A beautiful blonde wife calls her new husband at work and says, "Please come home and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.

Her husband asks, "What is the scene when it's finished?"

The blonde wife says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a big bouncy Kangaroo."

Her husband wanting to get the marriage off on the right foot says "I will be home as soon as I can,you keep working on it".
He arrives home early and she shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a while, then looks at the box.
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Kangaroo."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he says with a deep sigh,
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."::)

Chimo
01-02-2007, 09:02 AM
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says,
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "You're insane. There is no way that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!"
He jumps over the balcony and plunges downward hitting the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying
"You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

Chimo
01-02-2007, 09:09 AM
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.
They saw him, and one said,
"I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said,
"Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!"
So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said,
"I donna know where y'been laddy...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

Chimo
01-02-2007, 09:11 AM
Billy Bob says to Lester,
"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."

Lester says,
"So what you gonna do different this year?" Billy Bob says,
"This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

wanttofish
02-02-2007, 08:32 AM
world's shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl"will you marry me"

the girl said "no"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went to the

footy went fishing and played golf a lot drank beer and

farted whenever he wanted

The End.

Chromedome
02-02-2007, 01:02 PM
Never argue with a woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the Woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

FISHNICK
02-02-2007, 01:08 PM
2 Drunk Guys

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks: Where are you from?
I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.
The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
Of Course, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?
Dublin, comes the reply.
I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.
Of course, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?
Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.
This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.
Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again..................

Chromedome
02-02-2007, 03:09 PM
Never argue with a woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the Woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Sea-Dog
02-02-2007, 10:07 PM
Funny,

Sea-Dog

FISHNICK
06-02-2007, 11:12 AM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.

Dignity
12-02-2007, 07:56 PM
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in up state New York.

She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Dignity
12-02-2007, 07:57 PM
1 Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans

2 Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans

3 Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans

4 Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans

5 Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans

CONCLUSION.....

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Dignity
12-02-2007, 07:58 PM
A new month toady so a bit of humour to start of the month.

Three engineers were going out for a business lunch. They got in the car and set off. A few miles down the road, it spluttered and ground to a halt.

The Mechanical Engineer said, "Perhaps the fuel line's blocked".

The Electrical Engineer said, "Maybe the battery lead's come off".

The Software Engineer said, "I haven't got a clue what's wrong with it, but if we all get out, and get back in again, then it might work".

Dignity
12-02-2007, 07:58 PM
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian.
They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do, in these situations.
All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy." And," said the doctor, "They have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and we would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them.”

With that the Aussie raced past the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!
"The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent.
"That's a maybe," said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is a bloody Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk."

bigal
13-02-2007, 03:28 PM
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,
and by hand. This virus is called Wornout-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely!

This is serious, don't laugh!!

If you should come into contact with WORK, the only remedy is to put
your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bottle store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract
(WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote REPEATEDLY until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

aussiefool
14-02-2007, 05:27 AM
THE NEXT TIME YOU GET A HAMBURGER AT McD'S,



JUST REMEMBER THIS...


Watch the meatball. I hope this works. (Be patient..it takes a minute!)

Dignity
14-02-2007, 06:35 PM
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, " Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

Dignity
14-02-2007, 06:37 PM
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further .

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home .
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!!

tigermullet
18-02-2007, 09:13 AM
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his ##### into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.



One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.



"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.



"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my ##### into the pickle slicer?"



"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.



"Yes, I did." he replied.



"My God, Bill, what happened?"



"I got fired."



"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"



"Oh...she got fired too."

finga
18-02-2007, 10:59 AM
This is the go. ;D

Marlin_Mike
18-02-2007, 11:24 AM
I aint showing my wife that one Finga...........:):):)

Broken_Bibs
18-02-2007, 08:38 PM
Two blokes are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up,takes off his cap,bows his head .
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says,"That was touching .
I didn't know you had it in you".
The first guy responds,
"Well, I guess it was the thing to do-after all, I was married to her for 40 years".

seabug
18-02-2007, 09:32 PM
see 19-2-2007

seabug
19-02-2007, 05:34 PM
The four stages of old age

1. You forget peoples names:(

2. You forget peoples faces:'(

3.You forget to do up your fly:-[

4.You forget to undo it:o

Regards
seabug
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/images/statusicon/user_online.gif http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/images/buttons/report.gif (http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/report.php?p=578834) http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/images/misc/progress.gif

GAFYM
20-02-2007, 10:48 AM
A little boy is sitting in the bath and he looks down at his testicles
and says to his mother

"Are these my brains mum"

"Not yet" she says

harry_h01
22-02-2007, 10:24 AM
Something from the Swamp

1871

Sailfisher
22-02-2007, 10:43 AM
A Doctor in Newfoundland A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"."Yes, sir!" answers Garge.The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,Garge, how was your day?"Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.""Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor."The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge."Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor."Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs. She said 'Help me, I haven't seen a man for five years'!''"And what did you do Garge?" asks the doctor."I put drops in her eyes."

dayoo
22-02-2007, 06:37 PM
How do you circumsize a whale?
Use foreskin (four skin) divers

Hot_Snappa
23-02-2007, 11:56 AM
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Ross, The Dragon Slayer, knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them.

One day, Ross revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio, the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Ross, the Dragon Slayer, to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Ross, the Dragon Slayer, readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio, the Physician, made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio, the Physician, informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Ross, the Dragon Slayer, would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Ross, the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio, the Physician, then slipped Ross, the Dragon Slayer, the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Ross worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Ross, the Dragon Slayer, left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Ross, the Dragon Slayer, found Horatio, the Physician, demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Ross, the Dragon Slayer, couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio, the Physician, could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio, the Physician, slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Ross, the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story - - - - - - - - - - - - Pay your bills............

harry_h01
02-03-2007, 02:18 PM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I
saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

harry_h01
02-03-2007, 02:19 PM
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his
wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he
fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was
now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

harry_h01
02-03-2007, 02:19 PM
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

SteveCan
09-03-2007, 07:47 AM
Metaphors Found in NSW Year 12 English essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guywho went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking athigh schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without oneof those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

;D

harry_h01
16-03-2007, 10:12 AM
(Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers)


Note: For those that don't know, "The Sled"is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane.


In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.


I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots,"
Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph who don't know)
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
--------------------------------------------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,
"Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
--------------------------------------------
When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

------------------------

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

------------------------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line of aircraft "I'm f...ing bored!"


Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"


Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."


United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

--------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your lastknown position?"


Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:


"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

--------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"

--------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

------------------------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7, did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

----------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.



Some quick-wittedcomedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'd have enough parts for another one."

--------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.


So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

----------------------------------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

harry_h01
16-03-2007, 10:15 AM
Jedi Swiss Army Pocket Knife


http://www.theheskins.eclipse.co.uk/funnies/swiss.jpg

luigi
21-03-2007, 04:47 PM
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it
in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is
getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up
close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and
bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter...either my radiator leaks or
my exhaust backfires!

GAFYM
21-03-2007, 08:54 PM
Little boy sitting in the bath looks down at his testicles and says.

"Mummy, are these my brains"

"Not yet Darling" she replied.

zealot
23-03-2007, 12:35 AM
wife flies off the handle the otherday about the mess yours truly left in the kitchen the other day, and remarks that in her mothers house you could eat of the floor. to which the reply was crap you had strange eating habits in your house ?
(still recovering)

Rastas1
23-03-2007, 02:21 PM
And 9 months later ...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?):D

subzero
26-03-2007, 06:14 PM
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the druggist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it.

He holds it up. "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy. A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks into the pharmacy again and back to the pharmacist.

"The gentlemen of the regiment have taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one."

ashh
28-03-2007, 10:28 PM
why was the sand wet ?







































because the sea-weed :-X

subzero
29-03-2007, 06:28 PM
This is amazing, using triangulation of mobile phone repeaters, satelites can track your GSM mobile phone.
Try it here for yourself :D
Cheers Lloyd
http://www.sat-gps-locate.com

Lucky_Phill
29-03-2007, 06:38 PM
Lloyd !!!!!!! really !!!

bet that came from ya daughter ?

Sorry, but i have to move it. look in Joke of the day !!

phill

ashh
29-03-2007, 06:39 PM
lol;D ;D ;D

rogersto
31-03-2007, 01:01 PM
why did the irishman staple his nuts together?

He felt he couldn't lick 'em, he might as well join 'em :)

rogersto
31-03-2007, 01:03 PM
Why can't you circumcise John Howard ?

There's no end to the pr!ck !!

Chezzy13
31-03-2007, 03:45 PM
How to give a cat a pill :o

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon. ;D

kingtin
31-03-2007, 07:13 PM
Exchange Rates.............

An Asian woman goes into a bank in Perth and begins exchanging her Asian money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo my money, today I only get a hunat eighty?"


The teller says very slowly, "Fluctuations."


The Asian woman says, "Fluc you Ozzies too!"

happyaz
02-04-2007, 08:42 PM
A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast.
He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, an old Sergeant and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately, some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe, some really good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. She's obviously been out diving and young Bill here found her about ten metres down, wedged in a little cleft in the reef. He managed to get a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead - obviously."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs hanging onto her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."
And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... Now, what's the really good news?
"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!.... you fancy comin' with us?"

Black_Rat
04-04-2007, 09:23 PM
Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A. He doesn't want the other bunnies to know that he was fooling around with the chickens.


Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march



The Rules of Chocolate


If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Don't shoot me for this ::) it was an email from the receptionist at work ;D and in keeping with the bunnie theme, serioulsy it wasn't me 8-) it really wasn't ! ;D :gossip: :earmuffs:

Dignity
09-04-2007, 11:23 AM
The Marriage counsellor


A husband and wife came for counselling after 40 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 40 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on:- neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for some length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, and took her into his arms in an intimate, loving embrace and, holding her face gently between his hands, kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up, and finally, mesmorized, sank down again into her chair in a daze, with a smile on her face.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "You see! - This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this for her?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

"Well, I can definitely drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing."

Dignity
09-04-2007, 11:31 AM
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the
ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.
Life has now been explained to you...

Tony_N
17-04-2007, 06:55 AM
This has probably been up before, but....

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's>good)....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

luigi
10-05-2007, 05:10 PM
Economic Models explained with cows - 2007 update


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and
then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM (????)
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow
has dropped dead.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL (???)
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high
bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real
situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part
of a Democracy....

A SPANISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Your cousin is jealous and wants one, so he starts a
civil war over it!

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to
celebrate.

breamnut
10-05-2007, 07:11 PM
do they have to be G rated?

Dignity
11-05-2007, 07:01 PM
do they have to be G rated?

breamnut, there have been many border line cases but remember there are many young anglers of both persuasions that are members of this board. Wew don't want to drive them away.

jtpython
11-05-2007, 09:11 PM
This is AWFUL but really funny - apologies to those who think its a bit sick!






A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second.
On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital. He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the h ospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's c ondition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were o ut for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care and you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

FISHNICK
22-05-2007, 02:43 PM
Irish First Aid.......

A Woman Is Sitting In A Restaurant Suddenly Began To Cough.
After A Few Sconds It Became Apparent That She Was In Real Distress When Two Locals, Paddy & Murphy Sitting At The Next Table Turned To Look At Her.
Kin Ya Swalla? Asked Paddy.
The Woman Signalled 'no' Desperately Shaking Her Head.
Kin Ya Breathe? Asked Murphy.
The Woman Shook Her Head 'no!!!'
With That, Paddy Walked Behind Her, Lifted Up The Back Of Her Dress, Yanked Down Her Knickers & Ran His Tongue Up & Down The Crack Of Her Backside.
This Shocked The Woman Into Such A Violent Spasm That The Obstruction Flew Out Of Her Mouth & She Began To Breathe Again.
Paddy Swaggered Back To His Table And Took A Deep Swig Of His Beer.
Murphy Said In Admiration " Ya Know Paddy, I'd Heard Of That Bloody Hind-lick Manoeuvre, But That's The First Time I Ever Saw Somebody Do It!

WHALEOIL
23-05-2007, 06:00 AM
An Australian touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following
a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next
table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He
asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those
are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The Australian, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell,
I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will
be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the Australian returned, placed his order, and
then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy
of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of
his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."

slyman
23-05-2007, 11:14 AM
Wife came home one day to find her husband stalking around the kitchen with the fly swatter in his hand.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Killing flies" says he.

"Got many yet?" she asks

"Yep, three males and two females" says he.

"o....kay" says she, "how can you tell the difference?"

"Well three were on a beer can and two were on the phone".

foggy
25-05-2007, 03:19 PM
STATE OF ORIGIN

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a NSW State of Origin fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are NSW State of Origin fans too.

Not really knowing what a NSW State of Origin fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception.. Janet has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a NSW State of Origin fan," she answers.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a QLD State of Origin fan" boasts the little girl.

The teacher asks Janet why she is a QLD State of Origin fan.

"Well, my Dad and Mum are QLD State of Origin fans, so I'm a QLD State of Origin fan too" she responds.

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be a NSW State of Origin fan".

Signed

A QUEENSLANDER!

Chimo
26-05-2007, 09:44 AM
After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The professor replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler.”

seabug
27-05-2007, 12:41 PM
An Atheist was exploring the African jungle when he was confronted by a large lion.
He screamed "Oh My God"
God replied "Why come to me for help,you do not beleive in me"
He replied"But I was desparate"
God said"That no excuse,I cannot help you"
"Well then, can you make the lion a christian."
"That will be OK "said God"Consider it done"
With that ,the lion sat back on his haunches,put his front paws together and said,
"For what we are about to receive O Lord may we be truly thankful"

Regards
seabug

daz apps
27-05-2007, 01:06 PM
husband arrives home after a night out with a lamb under his arm,goes into the bedroom and said this is the pig i sleep with when im not with you the wife answers i think that is a lamb you have,,husband replys thats who i was talking to :(

leezor
27-05-2007, 07:18 PM
A termite walks into the local pub and asks, is the bar tender here today...

Sorry guys, that is a shocker I know.

harry_h01
28-05-2007, 09:59 AM
The New Castle Knights team training session was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Lang Park. One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.

Coach Brian smith immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line.

Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again this year.

harry_h01
28-05-2007, 10:22 AM
Ferrari sack pit crew

Modena, Italy:

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the New Work For the Dole Scheme and hire unemployed youths.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds, with millions of dollars worth of high-tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for, as during the crew's first practice session, not only were the new pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of beer.

Dignity
28-05-2007, 06:19 PM
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small western town. He sits
at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat
that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy
reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning
it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead
mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately up-chucks
his meal back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too."

Dignity
28-05-2007, 06:48 PM
John met an older woman at a club last night. She was attractive for 57,
they drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if he'd ever had the
sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome? He said no. They
drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night. He
went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mum, you still awake?"

Dignity
28-05-2007, 06:52 PM
fishing licences

Dignity
28-05-2007, 06:53 PM
An 80-year old Irish man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do
you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in
such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and
down the fairways." "I have a glass of whisky, and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your Dad when he died? "
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still
alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk.
That's why he's still alive ... he's Irish and he's also a golfer."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still a kick'n."
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living ! Incredible! How old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married ?!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"

husserhunter
29-05-2007, 01:59 PM
Lesson 1: Naked Wife A man is getting into the shower just as his
>wife is
>finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps
>herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
>stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll
>give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman
>drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
>After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps
>back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,
>her husband asks,...
>"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!"
>the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
>Moral of the story:If you share critical information pertaining to credit
>and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
>prevent avoidable exposure.
>Lesson 2
>A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
>when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
>Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish" "Me first! Me first!"
>says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
>without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says
>the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my
>personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my
>life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The
>manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
>Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
>Lesson 3
>A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
>her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
>controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
>said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
>But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
>again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry
>sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her
>way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
>It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
>miss a great opportunity.
>Lesson 4
>A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked
>him,"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
>answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,
>and rested.
>A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
>very high up.
>Lesson 5: Power of Charisma
>A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the
>top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well,
>why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed
>with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave
>him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
>after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
>fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he
>was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
>Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you
>there.
>Lesson 6
>A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
>froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
>a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in
>the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was
>actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
>to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
>investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
>pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
>Moral of the story:1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy2. Not
>everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend3. And when you're in deep
>shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
>

bungie
30-05-2007, 12:17 PM
Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the
throne of heaven.

God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my
side, I must ask you what you have learned, and what you believe in."

God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?"

Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I
believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I
believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by
my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers
him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"

Jack said, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are
the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose,
I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the golf
course."

God is greatly moved by Jack's eloquence, and he offers him a seat
to his right.

Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you Tiger, what do you believe?"

Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Dignity
30-05-2007, 05:33 PM
Curry Competition

Notes From an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Phoenix (A very Indian suburb of Durban, South Africa). "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:


Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These charo's are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curryr Curry JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tangs. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry Great kick. Need more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me fresh refills; that 300 lbs. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those charo's

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel #### thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry that slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my #### shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd had reacted to a really hot curry? FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

luigi
31-05-2007, 03:58 PM
DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two blokes are at their favourite fishing hole drowning a few baits & quietly
sucking on a can or two.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mick says, “I think I’m gunna divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over two months.”

Bluey continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says “ Maaate, I reckon you better think it over – women like that are bloody hard to find.”

dogsbody
31-05-2007, 04:24 PM
I had a car accident today and the driver of the car that i hit got out and he was a dwarf. Anyway he strolls over to me and says "I'm not happy" and i replied " Well which one are you then".


Dave.

charleville
01-06-2007, 01:35 AM
http://myskitch.com/charleville/marry_a_man___old__mail-20070601-013152.jpg
http://myskitch.com/charleville/marry_a_man___old__mail-20070601-013259.jpg
http://myskitch.com/charleville/marry_a_man___old__mail-20070601-013359.jpg
http://myskitch.com/charleville/marry_a_man___old__mail-20070601-013513.jpg

OISTA
02-06-2007, 12:26 PM
Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working
together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be
forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans, British or Australians can come into our
precious state."

POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.


The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The aussie engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with
water".........

mowerman
02-06-2007, 04:05 PM
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."




She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.











She's such a bitch...

Runamuck
02-06-2007, 05:06 PM
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a
woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a
job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's
important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4.
It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with
you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each
other.

Lovey80
03-06-2007, 09:56 PM
Ive only read to page 8 and hope this one hasn't been said but here goes.

An Aussie was taking a holiday around NZ. He was driving down a beautiful country road when i saw a kiwi bloke fair chock up a sheep. Amused he stopped and walked over to the bloke and his sheep and said " Mate back in Australia we shear those". The Kiwi replied " piss off bro i'm not shearin this with no body"

Cheers Chris

Davemclean
04-06-2007, 05:56 AM
a mate in Brisbane told me this, no offence meant to anyone from tasmania, lol



what is the definition of confusion

fathers day in tasmania

WHALEOIL
05-06-2007, 12:44 PM
A young lady is doing her grocerie shopping at the local supermarket.

She puts the following items onto the conveyor belt:

1 carton of eggs
1 loaf of bread
1 kg of bacon
5 apples
1 bag of carrots and
1 lettuce.

A drunk comes up behind her and after a minute says

" I bet you're single!"

The girl looks at the drunk a little bemused.

She looks at the stuff on the conveyor and after a bit says.
" Yes I am single. But how could you tell?"

The drunk replies
"Because you're ugly!"

Far side
05-06-2007, 02:58 PM
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs ad said, "He mated 50 times last year.

"They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said," This bull mated 120 times last year.The wife gave her husband healthy jab and said,"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.

"They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.

The husband looked at her and said, "Go ask him if it was with the same cow.

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery

Davemclean
05-06-2007, 09:38 PM
an Englishman, an Irishman, and an American went out for a drink togetther, and in the course of there pub crawl they found themselves at the top of a sky scraper.

The American says "You know, because of the alsohol, we can fly around the top and land unharmed"

The Irishman tells the American to prove, which he promptly does, he flies around the building and lands unharmed. The Irishman sees this, runs off the edge and falls to his death, making a massive mess on the plaza.

The Englishman looks at the American and says "Christ Superman, you aren't half a mean b*stard when you're drunk"

Sandman
07-06-2007, 08:26 AM
"THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH"
>>>A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK,
so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One!"

The manager groaned and continued,
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much
was the sale for?"

Ł 124,237.64. pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!

What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell m e....a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"


"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

Chimo
07-06-2007, 06:31 PM
Double post

Chimo
07-06-2007, 06:33 PM
This was shared with me by "Boatboy 50's" better half; smart lady that she is!

Chimo::)

A SENIOR MOMENT

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,
took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why
it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young
people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man
walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing
and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we
invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the
next generation?"

The applause was resounding.

I love senior citizens!!!

PinHead
08-06-2007, 06:26 AM
Divorce letter


Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing
to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either your cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case I am gone.

Your EX - Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a girl!" but, my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your--new silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for Ten Million dollars I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.
Signed,
Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem

Big G
09-06-2007, 08:16 AM
Two guys are out fishing, one guy pulls out a cigarette and is about to light up when he realises he has left his lighter back home.
He asks his mate if he has a lighter.
Yea replies his mate, it's in the Tackle box. Releived he opens the tackle box and pulls out this hugh 10inch lighter. Amazed at the size of this thing he asks his mate"where did you get the huge lighter"........ casually his mate answers" got it from my genie"

He thinks about this for a second and says... your kidding me you don't have a genie? his mate replies casually "yes I do , see that red jar in the tackle box, he's in there, av a look for your self".

He grabs and opens up the jar and sure enough ...poof a genie pops right out of the jar. The genie says to him you can have one wish and one wish only. He excitedly looks at his mate and says," I had better make this good" he thinks for a while and says to the genie" I want a million bucks"

The genie disappears back into the bottle and the next moment a million ducks fly overhead and settle in the water. disappointed he says to his mate," the genie is obviously hard of hearing"

His mate answers," I'm afraid so, how do you think I got my 10 inch Bick.

Sea-Dog
16-06-2007, 07:22 AM
Unfortunately a true story.......

I had been watching a movie "The Green Mile" with my two juniors.

At one stage in the movie, The head prison guard on death row gets miraculously healed of a urinary tract infection by one of the death row inmates.

To demonstrate how good he now felt, the guard goes home to his wife and takes her off to bed for some fun.

Junior #1 (10 years old) says to me "What are they doing Dad?"

I explained that they are having sex.

Then junior, with a puzzled look on his face, turns to me and says.....

Why are they doing that - aren't they married already ???

An unfortunate observation that! :'(:'(:'(

Sea-Dog
17-06-2007, 11:48 AM
A priest, a nun, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a cowboy, a lawyer, a salesman, and a blonde all walk in to a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"

:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(

FISHNICK
17-07-2007, 02:05 PM
A Man Was Coming Back From Fishing At A Lake When A Fisheries
Inspector Stopped Him.
"excuse Me, But Do You Have A Licence To Catch Those Fish?" He Asked
The Fisherman.
"well, No", The Man Replied. "but Don't Worry, I Didn't Catch These,
They're My Pet Fish."
"pet Fish?" The Inspector Queried.
"that's Right. Every Night I Take Them Down To The Lake And Let Them
Swim Around For A While. When I Whistle They Jump Back Into Their
Buckets, And I Take Them Home To Their Tank."
The Man Looked At The Inspector For A Moment, Then Said, "it's True.
Here I'll Show You."
"i've Got To See This," Said The Inspector, And Followed The Man Back
To The Lake.
Gently The Man Poured The Fish In To The Lake, Then Stood And Waited.
After A Few Minutes, The Inspector Turned To The Man And Said:
"well?"
"well What?" The Man Responded.
"well, When Are You Going To Whistle And Call Them Back?" Asked The
Inspector.
"call Who Back?" The Man Asked.
"the Fish."
"what Fish?" The Man Asked.

edleigh7
18-07-2007, 11:13 AM
A husband and wife were weeding in the garden. His wife bent over to pull out a weed. He noticed how big her ar$e was getting. He said "Darl your ar$e is getting as big as a 3 burner BBQ!"...nothing was said and they continued they're gardening. After tea that night they went to bed and the husband was keen to throw the leg. So he turns to his wife and says "how about a bit of lovin tonight Darl??"..to which she replied "No use firing up the BBQ for half a snag!!!"

Ed

seabug
18-07-2007, 10:53 PM
Proof of Global Warming:o :o :o :o :o :o

snelly1971
18-07-2007, 11:12 PM
I like that Alan....now you are showing your AGE !!!!!.....I can just pic you in those bloomers...

Cheers Mick

wombat 100
20-07-2007, 12:29 AM
The Good Napkins


THE GOOD NAPKINS... ahhhhh... the joys of having Girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet
doors was ajar.
I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she
was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that
those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my
folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom
had assignments for all of us while they were gone.

Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst
into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response
sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
'
But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?! ????????

gleeeza
20-07-2007, 09:53 AM
A bit of a laugh!!!!
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Gleeeza

gleeeza
20-07-2007, 10:19 AM
A Jewish couple arrive in their honeymoon suite to consummate their marriage,

Wife goes to the bathroom and after what seemed to be an eternity husband goes to find her,

Wife is found on toilet naked and stuck in bowl, and bleats to the husband to help,

After much pulling, pushing grunting and groaning husband declares we need to call a plumber,

Wife not wanting to be found in a compromised position says I cant be seen like this!

Husband gives wife skull cap to cover down there!!!

Plumber arrives and declares that removing the wife is no problem but he reckons the Rabbi is rooted.

Gleeeza

Fishin_Dan
20-07-2007, 11:22 AM
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the F@#K would you say?"

gleeeza
20-07-2007, 07:47 PM
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the
teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the
teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad
says it will take the contagious."


Gleeeza

gleeeza
20-07-2007, 07:48 PM
Error, wrong format. Sorry!!

Chimo
20-07-2007, 08:11 PM
(http://www.chillivanilla.com/jke/?p=642)

FEMALE COMPASSION

A male tourist was sitting on a beach on the Gold Coast

He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said. “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No.” So she gave him a big hug and walked on.

The second woman said. “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said “No.” so she gave him a passionate kiss and walked on.

The third woman came up to him and said. “Have you ever been f#%ked?”
The man said “No”, with an excited gleam in his eyes.
She added. “You will be when the tide comes in

Chimo

Chimo
20-07-2007, 08:21 PM
A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, “I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
The man replies, “Yep, the fishing was great… but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

His wife smiles and says, “Oh, no I didn’t… I put them in your tackle box!”

Chimo

Chimo
20-07-2007, 08:24 PM
An old man was laying on his death bed.

With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man’s wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.

His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, “Leave them alone, they’re for the funeral!”

Chimo

Sean
21-07-2007, 07:13 AM
I saw this the other day and it had me in tears. It might not appeal to some but will def. appeal to others......its a Japanese game show, set in a library.
Enjoy, Sean
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zz7Xeg2dgVw

;D

el_carpo
21-07-2007, 07:38 AM
Note to self-----if ever in Japan and anyone asks if you want to be on T.V.-----run far, far away.

Poodroo
21-07-2007, 08:25 AM
Was worth a laugh that's for sure. But I am with El Carpo and will test my sprinting skills if I ever get to Japan. They're a little clazy! :P

Poodroo

finga
21-07-2007, 08:36 AM
They've been to my house to get the stinky one.
The cook's bloody cheese box makes me gag everytime she opens it. I reckon it's got hairs growing on the inside
But that's the bloody french for ya :-/

Thanks for sharing Sean ;D

the gecko
21-07-2007, 08:38 AM
very funny. It reminds me of a drinking game called Aces, that I played with some skydivers once. Only once. Skydivers are far worse than japs for games.

Andrew

mowerman
23-07-2007, 07:50 PM
"THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH"............................
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through
it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so


how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One!"
The manager groaned and continued,
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was
the sale for?"
" 124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!
What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and

then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"


"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said.........
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

snasman
24-07-2007, 03:22 PM
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he

notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders

hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.



The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being

pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a

closer look.



"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.



"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied

the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.



"Little partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you

how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the

cat's collar too, I think you could go faster"



The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren."

Davemclean
24-07-2007, 09:48 PM
Bloke in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver let out a piercing scream, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamp-post and came to a halt inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something."

The taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a taxi driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

aussiefool
25-07-2007, 02:49 AM
opps, sorry folks wrong font

Chimo
29-07-2007, 04:15 PM
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea!!"

Chimo
29-07-2007, 04:16 PM
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

Chimo
29-07-2007, 04:19 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

ttone
09-08-2007, 07:53 PM
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish.'

catfishkid
09-08-2007, 08:20 PM
A young woman's face was horribly disfigured in a bad accident.
Aplastic surgeon offered to fix her face but needed a suitable skin donor.
As it turns out her husbands skin from his bum was perfect for the job so he offered to donate.
The plastic surgeon was able to rebulid her face from her husbands donated skin from his bum and her good looks were returned better than ever.
She was so happy and grateful to her husband she offered to do anything in return.
He looked at her and promptly replied no need,i get all the thanks i need whenever I see your mum kiss you on the cheek.

Cheers craig;D

Horse
10-08-2007, 04:56 PM
Natal Curry Contest.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For

those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They

actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major

portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an

inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry

Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions

to the BeerGarden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.



CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all

the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the

beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili

an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding

by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning

my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to

stop screaming. Screw them



CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.



CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that

I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as

he is cursing uncontrollably).



Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report ;D

seabug
12-08-2007, 08:28 PM
A blind guy feels his way into a bar unaware that it is a lesbian bar. He sits on a stall and orders his beer, and then says "Anybody want to hear a good blonde joke?" The barmaid replied. "You are obviously blind so you better know, I'm blonde six foot three and I'm a judo champion, the bouncer is a blonde too, she is six foot three and 280lbs, and is a karate champion, sitting directly behind you are three of the biggest and toughest women wrestlers you could find, and they are all blondes to. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"

The blind man replied, "No, not if I have got to explain it five times!"

charleville
16-08-2007, 12:59 PM
Irish moose hunt

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the
crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


.

Davemclean
16-08-2007, 10:28 PM
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, G'Day mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately
some really bad news, but also some good news,

and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news
first.'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about ten metres in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a
bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and
asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice lobbies and four
or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties, mate, I guess it's an ill
wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill ere get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again.'

Davemclean
17-08-2007, 05:09 AM
shamus and murphy were walking down a country lane when they see 2 tramps one hanging the other over a bridge by his feet catching fish..

shamus says "hey murphy... next bridge we come to well do that"

so off they trot and sure enough they reach a bridge... shamus hangs murphy over by his feet and hours go past.. finaly murphy shouts "quick quick pull me up"

"why ? have you got 1?" replies shamus

"no!!" says murphy "theres a train coming"

Davemclean
17-08-2007, 05:10 AM
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot
of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money
left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go
on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They
continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub."

Camo
17-08-2007, 12:35 PM
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do
everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he
never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her
feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and
his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his *%#!&*$#
widow."

harry_h01
17-08-2007, 02:20 PM
Friday Funny


Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Juan.

Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"

Davemclean
22-08-2007, 02:15 AM
A man gets up one morning to find his girlfriend cooking.




He looks in the pan and sees one of his socks boiling away?

"What are you doing" He asks.

"EXACTLY WHAT YOU ASKED ME TO DO WHEN YOU CAME TO BED DRUNK LAST NIGHT"

puzzled-the man walks away thinking:

I dont remember asking her to cook my sock!!

Little grey men
24-08-2007, 04:04 PM
Two turtles go camping and pack an esky with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.
The first turtle turns to the second one and say's" You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer. "No way" say's the second turtle, "By the time I get backyou will have eaten all the food" "I promise I won't " say's the turtle " Just hurry"
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle dig's into the sandwiches. Suddenly the second turtle pops up from behind a rock and yells" I KNEW IT, I"M NOT F@%KING GOING"

bungie
25-08-2007, 06:50 PM
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...

finga
26-08-2007, 07:52 AM
Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes???


A. Fsh

Davemclean
27-08-2007, 05:02 AM
Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall, two blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We dont have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"

fozzy
28-08-2007, 08:11 PM
How do you know when a clown breaks wind??

It smells funny.

charleville
24-09-2007, 06:26 PM
I suspect that this was written by an Englishman ;D ....



THE TERROR THREAT



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued
a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.




.

bungie
24-09-2007, 10:47 PM
Cyclone proofing your house Brisbane Style ;D



http://www.croninplumbing.com.au/images/work031.jpg

http://www.croninplumbing.com.au/images/work030.jpg

http://www.croninplumbing.com.au/images/work029.jpg

Took these this morning in Balmoral :)

Sea-Dog
25-09-2007, 08:17 AM
Cyclone proofing your house Brisbane Style ;D



http://www.croninplumbing.com.au/images/work031.jpg

http://www.croninplumbing.com.au/images/work030.jpg

http://www.croninplumbing.com.au/images/work029.jpg

Took these this morning in Balmoral :)

So where do you get in????? Look Ma, no stairs.

natureday
25-09-2007, 09:20 AM
Thanks for the jokes you guys!!
My birthday is today:)
Hugs,
Anna

Eagle
25-09-2007, 10:57 AM
Some very hungry and thirsty termites walked into a pub for a meal and drinks. Finding there was no-one around, one of them called out, "Hey! is the Bartender here?"

Eagle

charleville
27-09-2007, 05:45 PM
How to get a man to wash his hands ...

alleycat
28-09-2007, 07:13 PM
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is
still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"

STUIE63
12-10-2007, 10:51 AM
A an staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly round his throat.
naturally the doctor asked him "what happened to you ?"
'well I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow paddock.
We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear end.
I walked over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cows ass
Still holding the cows tail up , I yelled to my wife,
"hey this looks like your's!

I don't remember much after that
Stuie

bungie
14-10-2007, 07:59 PM
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.


He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car
broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"


The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.


As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound
not like anything he's ever heard before.


The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship
comes to his mind.


He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure
out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive
sound.


The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they
say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."


Distraught, the man is forced to leave.


Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man
goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.


The Monks reply, "We can't tell you.
You're not a Monk."


The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."


The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When
you find these answers, you will have become a Monk"


The man sets about his task.


After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and
knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before
a gathering of all the Monks.


"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled
the earth and have found what you asked for:


By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God
knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he
is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."


The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We
shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."


The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is beyond that door."


The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.


The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only
to find a door made of ruby.


And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.


Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has
become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key
to the last door."


The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind that door!


With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and
slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed
to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......






























































But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

charleville
20-10-2007, 05:14 PM
.
http://myskitch.com/charleville/humour_-_australian_defence_news_-_adf_news-20071020-171230.jpg


.

Volvo
21-10-2007, 01:32 PM
A Nurse was asked to sign for her Medicare gap/rebate so she dips her hand in her top pocket to fetch her pen:o ..
Only shocked to find what she's holding is a rectal Themometer>:( ..
Angrilly she spits out " Some ace##le's taken me Pen!!!"..
:-/ ::)

disorderly
21-10-2007, 06:42 PM
A Fairy Tale.


One day a long,long time ago there lived a woman who surprisingly
did not whine,nag or bitch........http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/../yabbfiles/Templates/Forum/default/smiley.gif




But this was a long time ago


and it was just ONE day.........http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/../yabbfiles/Templates/Forum/default/rolleyes.gifhttp://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/../yabbfiles/Templates/Forum/default/undecided.gifhttp://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/../yabbfiles/Templates/Forum/default/sad.gif


The End

blaze
22-10-2007, 08:57 AM
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example, Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold
spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area land and asked, "What's that ?"


"Ah", said God. "That's Tasmania the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world’s finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsman. The people from Tasmania are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting on the mainland.

Sea-Dog
30-10-2007, 05:34 PM
Two Nuns are driving down the road and they run smack, bang into the Devil and he ends up on their car bonnet.

The first nun turns to the second and says "What do we do?"

"Quick, wind down your window and show him your cross" was her reply.

So the first nun winds down her window and yells "Hey, get off the frigging car bonnet you bastard"

1lastcast
31-10-2007, 08:09 AM
A bloke walks into a bar and orders a beer while the barmaid pours it he sees a 44gallon drum overflowing with money

He asks the barmaid whats with the drum full of money and the barmaid explains we have had a competition running here for a while

The man says tell me more about the competition so she explains
well firstly you see that bloke standing over there he looks and sees a monster of a man 7ft 150kgs she says you have to knock him out with just one punch then

Out the back we have a rottwieller bitch with a sore tooth you have to pull it out but be warned she has killed men in the past trying this then

Up stairs there is a 90 year old woman who has never orgasmed you have to make her orgasm

The man says what the hell i will give it a go he throws a tenner in the drum skulls his beer then he races across the bar smacks the big man in the nose knocks him out cold

Then he runs out the back door and all you can hear is all this yelping from the dog the man runs back through the door and yells

NOW WHERE IS THIS OLD CHICK WITH THE SORE TOOTH !!!!!!!

charleville
16-11-2007, 01:09 AM
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


http://myskitch.com/charleville/att333-20071116-010918.jpg



.

PADDLES
16-11-2007, 07:58 AM
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last
number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
out.

The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son . . . . . . . "Go get your mother."

fishingjew
25-11-2007, 11:36 PM
Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee)
n.Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel)
adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys
.4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)
n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
n. Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv)
n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)
n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

B_E_N
29-11-2007, 09:59 AM
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way "Happy Birthday!
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.....Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.

STUIE63
30-11-2007, 01:19 PM
They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat
and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good boat story!! Joe and
John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to
himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state
who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he
could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died
suddenly that day.

When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John
and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all
shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always
holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole
in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she
leaked like crazy. ;I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I
warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they
wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time
and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.
Stuie

2iar
03-12-2007, 07:46 PM
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise
in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste
it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in
his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It
was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"

"T'was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin'
here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

B_E_N
04-12-2007, 11:08 AM
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also
invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host
said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a
million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey
was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the
croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds
of sh# t , like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the
tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like
a K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars."

Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet."

"How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing.

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

"Again Geoffrey said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?"

Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the c*nt who pushed me in the Pool.

B_E_N
07-12-2007, 02:17 PM
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."

Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying
that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover. "Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f off!

B_E_N
07-12-2007, 02:31 PM
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

ttone
08-12-2007, 10:28 AM
A young couple were having their first child, and the doctor was sure that there could be complications with the baby, still the new parents to be were yet to be concerned. Eventually on the big day, the baby came with relative ease, but when the Doctor had a closer examination, he looked rather distressed. The New mother noticing his look, asked him as what the problem was. he went on to say that the baby had a very rare syndrome called provoscis enhancement. She asked him what that meant and he said that the baby was born with one female and male organs. CRIPES !! she said, does that mean Junior has a pen-s as well as Brains!!!!!

snasman
08-12-2007, 06:47 PM
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. ? ?
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! ? You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"


The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one
The husband looked at her and said,
? "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

reelcrazy
23-12-2007, 11:02 PM
What happens when you get a translator with either a sense of humour or no sense at all...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZA1NoOOoaNw

aussiefool
24-12-2007, 08:07 AM
What happens when you get a translator with either a sense of humour or no sense at all...



Loved it great stuff:);D:);D

charleville
26-12-2007, 07:56 AM
Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"


And thus, the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass....



.

flatchat
26-12-2007, 08:29 AM
Hi,
I just joined the chat room and not sure how too post a message on the sight so I am sending this letter too you and hope I can become a local participant . We have moved too Golden Beach in June and been fishing several times only too come up with a few undersize bream which we returned too the passage.We don,t know when or where too fish and what bait seems like everybody catches fish but us we would appreciate some local knowledge and assistance.
We have a 5.25m boat with 90 HP and a small tinny with a 15 hp we tried several combinations boat and bait and no avail and are getting frustrated ...Please Help
We absolutly love Caloundra and want too be part of the community and become involved with people with similar interest.We joined powerboat club but only visited it once we have business committments which absorb a lot of time so time relaxing fishing would be a bonus
Thanks for reading my mail and hope that you can give us so much needed guidance

Best Regards...Dave and Sherrill

charleville
26-12-2007, 07:45 PM
Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

"Ey, boss I no come work today I really sick. I got
headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I no work today."

The boss says:

"You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel
like this I make love to my wife . That makes me feel better
and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls:

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I'll be at
work soon. And by the way, you got nice house." ;D ;D ;D

charleville
26-12-2007, 07:56 PM
A professor at Auckland University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Nathan raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big boofhead student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Nathan, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Nathan replied, "Bugger! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."



;D ;D ;D


.

charleville
29-12-2007, 11:31 AM
Dear Dr Phil;


I've never written for advice before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me. There have been the usual signs...phone rings but if I pick it up the caller hangs up. My wife has been going "out with the girls" a lot recently but when I ask their names she always says "Just some friends. You don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street, although I can hear a car driving off, as if she'd gotten out of a car just around the corner.

I once picked up her cell phone just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone, and why was I spying on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth. But last night when she went out I decided to really check on her.

I hid in the garage where I have my model airplane workshop so I could peek out the window and get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was while I was crouching behind my giant scale Mustang that I noticed some oil leaking from the front engine bearing. Is this something I can fix myself or should I send it in for service?




;D ;D ;D




.

charleville
01-01-2008, 08:55 PM
A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an, anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Nico.d.R
02-01-2008, 08:35 PM
bob went down to the sex shop to buy a blow up doll . when he arived the shop keeper said "can i help you ? " he replied "yes i am after a blow up doll " the shop keeper asked him what sort he wanted " Do you want a normal doll or a afghani doll ? " "whats the diference ?" said bob . Well you have to blow up the normal one and the afghani one blows itself up .

bungie
04-01-2008, 09:21 AM
Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition.

After several weeks, he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.

The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.

"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.

"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"

"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.

"How big is your club?"


"Well" he replied...... "there are about 100 of us."

PADDLES
09-01-2008, 11:40 AM
An 86 year old man went to his doctor for a checkup
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the old man said "things are great, I've never felt better"
"I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child"
"So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered this for a while and began to tell a story,
" I have an older friend, much like yourself
This older friend is an avid hunter, one day he was in such a hurry to leave the house and go hunting he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of the gun.
As he neared a lake he spotted a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.
Realising that he'd left his gun at home and he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature, he still raised the cane to his shoulder, aimed it and said bang bang under his breath.
In that instant two shots rang out and the beaver keeled over dead"
"Now what do you think of that?" said the doctor.
The 86 year old said "logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver"
"My point exactly" replied the doctor.

charleville
09-01-2008, 01:28 PM
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No, I'm turning the heating off."


;D



.

harro1
11-01-2008, 06:32 AM
Game fishing is going fishing on your wifes birthday.

reelcrazy
11-01-2008, 10:41 AM
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least-evolved among us.

And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
Victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be
Robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it
worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-
Cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have
A look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
Finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
Car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
Find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
Driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
Transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
Admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
Offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered
The passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
The patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
Head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
Received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply
Trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train
Before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
Counter, and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and
Asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
Provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
The $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
From the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
Decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor
Store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the
Cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The
Cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
Head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
Made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a
Man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately,
and the woman was able to
Give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
Minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
The car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken
Out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To
Which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole
the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man
Walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m.,
Flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
Because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a
Food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
Weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
Parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained
For. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled
Up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
Said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and
Plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
Mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
Saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

reelcrazy
11-01-2008, 10:42 AM
The Bragging Queenslander


A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on
his mobile phone. As he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to
ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy
everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the
people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.

Well, he announces, 'My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy
weighing 25 pounds'.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Queenslander just shrugs. 'That's about average in Queensland'

Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy.

Congratulations are showered him from all around and many exclamations of
'STREWTH' were heard.

One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.

The bartender says 'You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you?'

Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going
to call you. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers: '17 pounds'.

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. 'What happened? He weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, 'Had him
circumcised!

Oh Gee
11-01-2008, 08:59 PM
Reuters.com reported today that U.S. hotel heiress Paris Hilton's potential inheritance dramatically diminished after her grandfather Barron Hilton announced plans on Wednesday to donate 97 percent of his $2.3 billion fortune to charity.

I guess that'll tie her knickers in a knot. Oh, wait, um...

Deestingray
15-01-2008, 09:34 AM
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of
this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag,
loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few
measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the height and she gives us the length."

charleville
16-01-2008, 06:15 AM
The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director. "We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

BobbyJ123
16-01-2008, 06:29 AM
Revenge Of The Turkeys!!

BGG
16-01-2008, 08:18 AM
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Texas for our honeymoon. On the first day we decided to go horse riding. My horse was pretty okay but the horse my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first warning". She again climbed on the horse and continued to ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second warning" and continued. When the horse dropped her a third time, she calmly took out the revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" .
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first warning!!"."

"That's it. We’ve been happily married ever since. "

Chimo
17-01-2008, 12:56 PM
DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING


Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole,


just fishing quietly and drinking beer.







Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,


Bob says, "I think I'm

going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."



Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

B_E_N
18-01-2008, 09:50 AM
'the' Party!


198071980819809

charleville
18-01-2008, 11:10 AM
http://www.slapcorey.com/

Ausfish
19-01-2008, 04:48 PM
The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


.