Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Hornblower]

After the 1991 Gulf war and all the oil wells were on fire, Famous Firefighter "Red Adair" gets called in to put out one fire that the emergency crews on scene couldn't handle. He was offered $10 000 000 US to put it out.

All the press were on hand as his special C130 Hercules Transport landed in the desert near the well and the back dropped open and out roared Red's truck.

The truck went screaming up to the well, and when it was directly over the well it stopped. With truck, and eqipment all on fire, red and his crew leapt out of the truck and crazily handpatted the fire out.

The press were stunned when Red approached them, albeit a little singed. One of the reporters blurted out, "Red, What are you going to do with the money you have earnt here today."

Red scratched his chin and dryly replied, "Get the bloody brakes on the truck fixed."

[redspeckle]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me, they are over there, under that tree" "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.They all squeezed into the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high".

Mitch

[snakecatcher]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over
and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied suggestively. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[GAFYM]

Hey Kerry
Thats why the Yanks start wars...........To teach their population Geography ::) ::) ::)

[GAFYM]

Do you realise...

If a man says sexually explicit things to a woman, its called sexual harassment.

If a woman says sexually explicit things to a man......It costs 25 bucks a minute :o :o

[Sea-Dog]

An old fella lay in his deathbed with only a short time to go.

He took a feeble breath and smelled some anzac biscuits cooking.

So he slowly shuffled out to the kitchen and picked up one of the biscuits to eat.


His wife slapped him on the hand and said, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral"

[gunnabuild1]

A man and a woman in a lift.All of sudden the cable snaps and the lift plummets to the ground.As they realise whats happening the young lady tears off her blouse and shouts desperately "Make me feel like a woman one last time!"
The man rips off his shirt and says"Here iron this"

[redspeckle]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you
understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The
young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated, by check." I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.

Mitch

[redspeckle]

Directions to Batmans cave

[Joe_N]

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade
too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go
to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down
and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a
lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

[Gorilla_in_Manila]

George Gregan Arrested!!!

[seabug]

Dubya rings Irak to speak to Dick Cheney.

"How's the war going?" says Dubya.

"Not to good" replies Dick. "Three Brazilian people have been killed."

"That's terrible "says Dubya. "How am I going to explain that to the American people. " "That is just too awful"

"Hey Dick,tell me.How many is a brazillion"?

[Cruiser]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually t ook turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.


When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[Nathalie]

:)
What is the difference between a catfish and an Italian mother in-law?







One has whiskers and stinks


And the other is







A fish.

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :-*

[Cruiser]

I was at the pub standing next to man who was on the floor leaning heavily against the bar, drunk. I picked him up off the floor, and offered to take him home.

On the way to my car he fell down three times. When I got to his house, I helped him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times.

I rang the bell and when a woman opened the door I said,"Here's your husband!"

She looked at me for a moment and said, "Where's his wheelchair?"

[Cruiser]

One day a beautiful young woman went into hospital to undergo a routine operation on her private parts. A nurse showed her into the operating theatre, told her to remove her clothes and put her feet in stirrups, legs spread wide.

After the nurse left the theatre, a man in a white coat walked over to her, looked between her legs and walked back to another man in a white coat and they began talking in lowered voices.

The second man then walked over to the woman and began examining her intimately, prodding here and there, then he walked back to the first man and began talking again.

Suddenly a third man in a white coat arrives, walks over to the woman, examines her breasts and feels her backside.

"Excuse me," said the woman, "All these examinations are alright, but when are you going to start the operation?"

"I dunno," said the third man in the white coat, "We're just here painting the corridor!"

[Cruiser]

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, .... "I have turtle recall."

[Cruiser]

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught-worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob-stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

[freddo]

A husband and vife are in bed an the wife asks the husban"if i were to die would you re marry"
husban."no"
wife"why not"
husband"ok i would"
wife "well would you live in this house"
husband"sure its a great house"
wife" would you sleep in this bed"
husband"where else would i sleep"
wife "would she use my golf clubs"
husband"no she's left handed" there was a short scilence
husband"oh shit"

[Camo]

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

* Dogs love it when your friends come over.
* Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
* Dogs think you sing great.
* A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
* Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
* The later you are, the more excited the dogs are to see you.
* Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
* Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
* Dogs are excited by rough play.
* Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
* Dogs understand that farts are funny.
* Dogs love red meat:
* Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
* Anyone can get a good looking dog.
* If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
* Dogs don't shop.
* Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor.
* A dogs disposition stays the same all month long.
* Dogs never need to examine a relationship.
* A dogs parents never visit.
* Dogs love long car trips.
* Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for
directions.
* Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were
made to be hunted. .
* When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly,
you can shoot it.
* Dogs like beer.
* Dogs don't hate their bodies.
* No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie and the Blowfish
album.
* No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
* Dogs never criticise.
* Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.
* Dogs never expect gifts
* It's legal to keep a dogs chained up at your house.
* Dogs don't worry about germs.
* Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever
had.
* Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your
wallet, desk and tile back of your sock drawer.
* Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
* Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner
than a lobster one.
* You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours
a day.
* Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewellery.
* Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
* Dogs never want foot rubs.
* Dogs find you amusing when you are drunk.
* Dogs can't talk.
* Dogs aren't catty.
* Dogs seldom outlive you.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

* Both look stupid in hats.
* Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
* Both tend to have "hip" problems.
* Neither understand football.
* Both look good in a fur coat. .
* Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every
word you say.
* Neither believe that silence is golden.
* Both constantly want back rubs.
* Neither can balance a cheque book.
* You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
* Both put too much value in kissing.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

* Women leave the room to fart.

[fish2eat]

President George W. Bush Quotes of Stupidity

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

[aussiefool]

Shakira's hips don't lie...... in 10 years

http://www.glumbert.com/media/shakira.html

[Commodore]

:) :)


George : Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George : Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .

George : That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George : That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George : I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George : The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George : Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George : Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George : That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George : Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George : Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George : No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George : No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George : No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George : Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George : Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George : Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George : All right! With cream and two sugars.

[Dignity]

International Economics

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two sheep.
You sell one and buy a ram.
Your flock multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: (Workchoices!)
You have two sheep.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.
You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You go on strike because you want three sheep.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep and produce 20 times the wool. You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and shear themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
Both die from foot and mouth disease.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You count them and learn you have five sheep.
You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep.
You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.
You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You have 300 people shearing them. You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

[Fishing_Widow]

Got this one today at work. After I picked myself up off the floor I decided to post on this site.

Nomes

Women drivers

Driving to the office this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 140km/hr with her face up close to her rear vision mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruining my shirt and disconnected an important call!!!



BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!!!

[fish2eat]

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Melbourne and this weather is just like a typical December day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Melburnian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot January day in Melbourne. I'm copping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Melbournian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "Collingwood have won the Flag! Collingwood have won the Premiership Flag!"

[jim_bream]

Another Virgin goodie:
Storming to the front of a crowded check-in queue, a grumpy traveller slapped his travel papers on the counter and dropped his drivers licence on top of the heap. Eying up the pretentious, arrogant turd the check in lady says,
"Excuse me sir, you'll have to join the queue." With that he unleashed a tirade punctuated with what has been described as colourful expletives at the lady. When he broke for breath she repeated the question.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO THE F*$K I AM?" he screamed at her from a distance of a few inches. Gathering herself she picked up the intercom handset and said for all to hear in Brisbane Domestic Airoprt:
"Good afternoon Virgin passengers, may I have your attention please- we have a lost and confused traveller at Gate xyz, if anyone is not travelling with their companion or have lost their travel partner please could you report to the Virgin Check in desks." This resulted in a wave of laughter from all the other queue-ers watching this galah carry on...
"F*$K YOU!!" he bellowed, turning blood red.
"You'll have to join another queue for that sir, alot longer too!"
It's alledged the ladies in the near vicinity were in hysterical fits of teary laughter.
Go the little people!

[Lone_Wolf]

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,what's the bad news?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."
And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... Now, what's the really good news?
"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin' with us?"

[Gorilla_in_Manila]

An outback farmer just finds out that he has won Lotto and lobs over to his neighbour's place and tells him all about it.

Neighbour: What you gunna do now?

Farmer: Dunno, guess I'll head down to the Big Smoke and spend it.

Neighbour: Good idea. What route ya gunna take?

Farmer: Probably the Missus ..... she stuck with me during the drought!

[fish2eat]

Why God never received tenure at any university...

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop

[fish2eat]

Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

[2iar]

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the
bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is
everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat,
brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper
shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him
for?"

Rustling," said the bartender.

[Chimo]

Hope this G enough, a very straight Scotsman sent it to me so here tis.

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In reviving her Husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

[Gorilla_in_Manila]

Rice Diplomacy

[Fishin_Dan]

I knew it was true!!!

[jim_bream]

Legend has it pollies in Canberra have a new nickname for John Howard....

"Bonzai"

Well, it's like a little Bush aint it? ::)

[Scott_Thunder]

More Zen for People Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.


2. Support bacteria! They're the only culture some people have.


3. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?


4. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


5. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


6. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


7. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "WTF happened?".


8. What is the speed of dark?


9. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?


10. Just remember - If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.



Cheers Thunder

[redspeckle]

Here is one read below ;D
Mitch

[maxwell9]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.

Whose funeral is it?

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue."

[iank]

Dont know if this one is here but I liked it.

>> >> FW: LETTER TO DAD

>> >> > A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
>> >> > was
>> >> > nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
>> >> > envelope,
>> >> > propped up prominently on the pillow.
>> >> > It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
>> >> > envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
>> >> >
>> >> > "Dear, Dad.
>> >> > It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
>>elope
>> >> > with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom
>>and
>> >> > you.
>> >> >
>> >> > I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
>> >> > knew
>> >> > you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing,
>> >> > tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
>> >> > older
>> >> > than I am.
>> >> >
>> >> > But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that
>>we
>> >> > will be very happy.
>> >> >
>> >> > She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the
>> >> > whole
>> >> > winter.
>> >> > We share a dream of having many more children.
>> >> >
>> >> > Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
>> >> > hurt
>> >> > anyone.
>> >> > We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
>>people
>> >> > in
>> >> > the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
>> >> >
>> >> > In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
>>so
>> >> > Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
>> >> >
>> >> > Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
>> >> > Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
>> >> > your
>> >> > many
>> >> > grandchildren.
>> >> >
>> >> > Love, your son, John.
>> >> >
>> >> > P.S.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > Dad, none of the above is true.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > I'm over at Tommy's house.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
>> >> > than
>> >> > the
>> >> > school report that's on my desk.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > I love you!
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > Call when it is safe for me to come home.
>> >> >
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>------
>> >>
Cheers Ian

[Dignity]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

_________________________________

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

-_______________________________

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

__________________________________________________ ________

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

________________________________

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

_______________________________

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over K-Mart. "K-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why
K-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

__________________________________________________ __________

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

________________________________

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

_______________________________

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

______________________________

These days about most of the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

______________________________

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

________________________________

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

__________________________________________________ ____________

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

May God bless us. Every one!

[fish2eat]

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…

If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…

If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…

If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…

If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…

If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…

If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’

Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…

Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…

[Dignity]

very cheery Paddy staggered home very late after another dance session with his mate, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and Brigid staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?" Paddy said, "Why would you say such a thing?" "Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, ...... it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,....... it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could even be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly Paddy....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

[Dignity]

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered, I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer." Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.

Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number? I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears".

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case. I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

[phatty]

have a go of this one

[Dignity]

watch out for kids

[MulletMan]

Three gorgeous bikini clad girls are walking along the beach when they dee a badly disabled young man with no arms and legs sunbaking on a towel by the waters edge.

They all feel dreadfully sorry for this guy and one of them goes up to him and says:

"You poor man have you ever been hugged?"

"Why no!" re replies at which she embraces him lovingly for several minutes.

The second girl asks him:

"Have you ever been properly kissed before?"

"Ummmm, no" he replies.

She gives him the most sensuous and loving kiss possible.............

The last girl says:

"Oh sweetheart, have you ever been f***ed" before?"

"Why no" re replies somewhat embarrassed but looking forward to the prospect all the same.

"Well you sure will be when the tide comes in!" she says.

[Camo]

A lawyer was cross examining a pathologist in court in relation to a wrongful death case. This extract is from the actual case.

Lawyer, "before you signed the death certificate had you taken the pulse?"

Pathologist, "no."

Lawyer, "did you listen to the heart?"

Pathologist, "no."

Lawyer, "did you check for breathing?"

Pathologist, "no."

Lawyer, "So when youy signed the death certificate you weren't sure he was dead were you?'

Pathologist, "Well let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.

[Camo]

After he has been on Death Row for years it is finally time to execute a murderer.

All appeals have been exhausted. The governor has denied him clemency, and he's got the hiccups.

He's got the hiccups as he walks between the cells of the condemned, a dead Man Walking. He's got the hiccups when the priest gives him the Last Rites. He's still got the cups when they strap him into the electric chair.

Just before the warder pulls the switch he says: ‘do you have any last requests?' And the guy says: .Sh** yeah - hic. For chrissake, hic, do something to scare me.

[Great_White]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful lovers. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful lovers in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Peter ;D ;D ;D

[Dignity]

This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids


I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

[Got_the_Fever]

It's Tough Getting Old









A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical

with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

"I will need a urine sample,

a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing,

turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"



The wife yells back to him,

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"


Kel

[Dignity]

Coincidence or not??

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[stevedemon]

Hi all
This one is for the Girls as my wife has told me and beleive me it is as close as they will come


Gonna be a Bear
In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, i'd like to come back as a bear. When your a bear, you get to hibernate. you do nothing but sleep for six months. i could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that.

When your a girl bear, you birth your children(who are the size of walnuts) while your sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

if you're a mamma bear. everyone knows you mean business. you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. if your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that

if you're a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He Expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.


Yup,gonna be a Bear!!

[kingcobe]

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell,
The differenceBetween Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done.

Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Looks like my mum ;D

JJ

[Green]

Elton John went to get a tattoo, he said to the tattoist, "I'd like you to tattoo my car on my ol' fella, it's a rolls royce", with that he flopped it out.
The tattoist thought for a minute, then said. "With the sh*t this is gunna go through ya might wanna change it to a Landrover"..

[Dirtysanchez]

A man decided to take his family to the local zoo

After a long drive they arrive, buy the tickets and go in.

They walk around for ages, but don't see any animals

Finally they see a cage with one dog in it.

It was a Shitzu !!

[dasher]

John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said, "Peter I
have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters."

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello. "Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Drizza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show them that we really at home there." "Right PM," said Costello.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your best
beer." "Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender, "two middies
of our best coming up".

Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a
drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked
up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no !" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them that there was a cattle dog in this bar with two ****holes !"

[fish2eat]

GOLF QUOTES

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works." -- Lee Trevino

"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins." -- Unknown

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." -- Babe Ruth

"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." -- Lee Trevino

"I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." -- Lee Trevino

"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." -- Sam Snead

"[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it." -- Tommy Bolt

"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet." -- Tommy Bolt

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." -- Jimmy Demaret

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." -- Jack Lemmon

"If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron?" -- Lee Trevino

"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." -- Unknown

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." -- John Updike

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." -- Unknown

"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose." -- Gerald Ford

"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows." -- PG Wodehouse

"If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him." -- Bob Hope

"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base." -- Ken Harrelson

"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

[Dignity]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today??"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

There's something wrong with my ear, " he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"


I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

[2iar]

Quickie #1 One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted
by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me
up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.


Quickie #2 A woman came home, screeching her car into
the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the
door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack
your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said,
"Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie # 3 Marriage is a relationship in which one
person is always right, and the other is a husband.


Quickie #4 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply
for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to
take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can
you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the
Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Quickie #5 Mother Superior called all the nuns
together and said to them, "I must tell you all
something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the
back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


Quickie #6 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs
for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the
kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at
once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget
to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong
with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple
of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to
show you what it feels like when I'm driving"


Quickie #7 Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his
first day in basic training, the Army issued him a
comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all
his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a
toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked
seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued
him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for
Herman for 51 years

[2iar]

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.


Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.



Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over
the little guy, reviving him.



"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.


"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
want?"



"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.



"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would
want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is
back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.



"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want
to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"


"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous
golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?"


"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just
reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were
there!"


"I did that fer ye also."



And tell me, how's yer sex life?"


The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
"It's OK."


"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes
twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice
a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish.

[fish2eat]

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

[harry_h01]

Star Trek and Arabs

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have
just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

[harry_h01]

It's tough to be a Man

Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a head ache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! ........ THEY WANT TO!!

[harry_h01]

The difference between guts and balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject......

[harry_h01]

Prison or Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three "free" meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

[Cruiser]

A Mexican family at home. Mom is in the kitchen baking. Little boy put flour on his face and says "look mama, I am a white boy!" Mama slaps him in the face and tells him to go show his dad.

"Look Papa, I am a white boy!" his dad slaps him hard across the face and tells him to go see his Grandmother.

"Nana, look! I am a white boy!" His Grandma slaps him acros the face and sends him to his mother.

He enters the kitchen and his mother asks if he has learned anything.

The little boy replies "Yes Mama, I have been white for only 5 minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans!"

[Cruiser]

Jose is out on the veranda on a Friday night with his young family. His buddies come cruising by, say "Hey, Jose! Come on man, come with us!"

"No, I can't, I gotta do little Jose's diapers."

"What are you talking about, 'doin diapers'. Ain't you never heard of Huggies, man?"

"NO, what are Huggies?"

"Come on man, we'll go get you some Huggies!"

So they take Jose off to the supermarket and buy some disposables.

Next Friday rolls around, Jose and Little Jose out front again. Little Jose is waddling around like a duck, his diaper is LOADED, practically to his knees. His buddies roll up again and spot the rugrat. "Damn, man, you got to change that thing!"

Jose grins, "No man, it says right on the package: 6 to 10 kilograms!"

[Camo]

A bloke walks into a pub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
‘Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One cent?' exclaims the bloke. The barman says, 'Yes.'
So the bloke glances over at the menu and asks, 'Could I have a nice juicy T -bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?'
'Certainly sir,' replies the bartender, 'but that comes to real money.'
'How much money?' inquires the bloke.
'Four cents,’ he replies,
'Four cents!' exclaims the bloke. 'Where's the bloke who owns this place?'
The barman replies: 'Upstairs with my wife.'
The bloke says, 'What's he doing with your wife?’
The bartender replies, 'The same as I'm doing, with his business.'

[tunaman]

How do you know when you get a letter from someone who has leprosy?
when their tongue is still on the back of the stamp ;D

Whats a definition of lord of the rings.
the leader of the gay marti gar. ;D



signed tunaman :)

[Dignity]

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Hornblower]

If you can't be a good role model, be a horrible warning! ;) ;)

[fish2eat]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and
his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is
make jokes about her false leg.....

Personally, I think it's prosthetic.....

[fish2eat]

Practical definitions

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and
a woman gains her master.

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of
either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
feminine water-power.

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you
have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide
that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of
when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you
actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway
"See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead
of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest. except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
bills.

[fish2eat]

These are the questions the Australian Officials at Lebanon are
asking passport holders before letting them on a boat :

Australian Government
Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs
Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions
correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also
allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a
pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze.
And ham. In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather
continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.
True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean
a) "Yes and no"
b) "Maybe"
c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to
which TV character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before
going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from
Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana
travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers
it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking
a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?
a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:
a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional
four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and
discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the
latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:
a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the cricket's on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing
set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

Your Score .....

For Office use only.
. In
. Out
. Can have another crack at it

[Dignity]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:


^a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.^

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"

[Dignity]

AUSTRALIAN DEFINITION OF A "TRUE FRIEND"

Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.

2. When you are blue -I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had a root. Good one mate!!

4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.

6. When you are confused -I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your silly, clumsy self.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why you may ask? Because you are my friend.

[fish2eat]

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God
saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you
not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.

[fish2eat]

Residents of Towoomba pooh-poohed the idea of drinking recycled water
at the weekend, because they were asked the wrong question. The
question asked "would you be happy drinking effluent that has been
pumped back into the water system?", to which a lot of people
naturally replied "no!". Pollsters believe there would have been a
more positive response from a bunch of blokes in a Queensland backwater
like Toowoomba if the question had been "Would you like to drink more
piss?".

[fish2eat]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
Plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of
the
Bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20
Bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs
Up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field.Each time there's a game, a lot of
Fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and
Stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
Sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the
Way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."

[poncho]

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful, sexy young woman.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!" The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."
"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car.
I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair. After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me:
"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

[stevedemon]

Hi all heres one i received today thought i'd pass it on just to break the B>S Elections


A little girl asked her father,
daddy? DO all fairy tales
begin with,
Once upon a time?
No there is a series of
fairy tales,
that begin with

If Elected I Promise #

Keep them clean people remember the juniors

Cheers ;D ;D
Steve 8-) 8-)

[lippa]

springborg-flegg! theres a joke! beattie theres another.

cheers

lippa

[Dignity]

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives. However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

[fish2eat]

Three surgeons were having a conversation: One of
them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost seven
fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and eight months later he
performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
medal in
field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy
who was high on cocaine and alcohol
rode a horse head-on into a train travelling at 80 miles per hour. All I
had
left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president
of the United States."And that's the truth"

[Camo]

HER STORY
Ed was in an odd mood last night. I thought it might have been because I arrived a bit late at the bar. He didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going. So I thought we should go somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We headed for our favourite restaurant but he was still a bit funny, and I couldn't cheer him up, and I started to wonder whether it was me. So I asked him, and he said no, but I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his flat I said that I loved him and he just put his arm around me and stared out the window. By the time we got to his place I was worried that he was going off me, and I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. So I said that I was going to sleep and after about ten minutes he climbed into bed and we had sex. But he seemed quite bored afterwards. I really wanted to leave. I don't know. I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean do you think he’s met someone else.

HIS STORY
Shit day at work. Great shag later.

[PADDLES]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and Plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so For his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings Over a XXXX. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink XXXX?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a XXXX At the end of the 1st nine, honey".

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
Starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual
Table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, He jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper Must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,calling him every 4 letter Word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch This time."

[Camo]

A blond visits her doctor. She says, “doctor I hurt all over.”
The doctor says, “Really? Can you show me where it hurts?
The blond touched her head, and then said, “If I touch my head it hurts.” She then touched other parts of her body, “If I touch my nose it hurts. If I touch my arm or my leg it hurts. Do you have any idea, what I could be suffering from?”
The doctor replies, “As a mater of fact I do, you have a broken finger.”

[Braddles]

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo please madam so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

[fish2eat]

THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the
winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and
plays the Summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
the cold.

THE END

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come Winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed
to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving.

A Current Affair shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed
that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper
Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel
has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share"
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act,
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are
reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine
for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to
work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can
be socially mobile.

[Slient]

Short video clip tell how to get rid your missus when you're fishing (Not me... ::))

Have a good laugh

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9086576860890791529&q=FISHING

[gogecko]

Theres a few good clips showing up on google now. The one called 'Alvey heavy surf' shows paul burt getting a jewie. Its worth a look.

[themisses]

How is the one a bit further down with the canoe?? ;D

[Craigus]

Yeah the canoe one is Good as #;D ;D

[Bundy_Burp]

Very funny clip but I think you would have to say the guy is fishing with plastics because thats what I think that companies burgers are made of . ;D

Bundy 8-)

[Sea-Dog]

Check this one - Shark Vs Octopus

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3077330386558492499&q=FISHING

Awesome :o :o :o

[akman1]

So true!!!!!

[Slient]

Sea-Dog

Thanks and unbelieve I didn't expect it happens... :o

Silent

[fish2eat]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they
were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can
have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy
Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have
her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[wanttofish]

this may have been on but there are tooooo many pages to go through

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work
the next day she told the repairman i'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher leave the bill on the counter and i'll mail you a cheque.
Oh and by the way don't worry about my bulldog spike he won't bother you but whatever you do do NOT under
ANY circumstances talk to my parrot I REPEAT DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT.
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day he discovered the biggest meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.
But just as she had said the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot however drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yell Shut up you stupid ugly bird.To which the parrot replied sic him Spike

Men just don't listen. [smiley=2vrolijk_08.gif]

[maxwell9]

> koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint (as they do...)
>
> when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
>
>
> "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
>
> The koala says:
> "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
>
> So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they
> have a few joints After a while the little lizard says his mouth is
> 'dry'
> and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so
> stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
>
> A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps
> him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
>
> "What's the matter with you?"
>
> The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting
> smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and
> then fell into the river while taking a drink
>
> The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
> the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing
> a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
>
>
>
> So the koala looks down at him and says:
> ??
>
> "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"
>
>
>
>
>

[bdowdy]

:) ;Dgreat stuff loved the mcdonalds one ;D ;D bdowdy

[griz066]

This one tops em all ;D

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6130350580584394109&q=FISHING

[Sea-Dog]

Don't be too casual around the 'Greysuits'

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2827673828856319563&q=Shark

[Dignity]

The Buttocks

************************
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied,

"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

[aussiefool]

Gee I hope the female boffins never get this working :o ;D

[midgeptgiru]

what a cracker of a joke :D

[Fishin_Dan]

Dear Napisan,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mum told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Napisan with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.


Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Glad Bag people...



Signed,

A Relieved Menopausal Wife

[sushi_fish01]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a deep breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she cant stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel complaints department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment greivance against him...
The supivisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "whats sexually threatning about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies..."its Keith, the midget."

[Slient]

Prime Minister John Howard, Federal Treasurer Peter Costello, and
Industrial Relations minister Kevin Andrews are flying on the
Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra.

Howard turns to Costello and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw
a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Costello shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out
the window and make ten people happy."

Not to be outdone, Andrews says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10
bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."


The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Arrogant pricks
back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and
make millions of people happy."

[Punkin]

Gee I hope the female boffins never get this working

We'll fix em if they do :o

[mitch_05]

another version for men

[Cruiser]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit..."

[Slient]

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and
two claimed that he was still there.

[Dignity]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something
> more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the side walk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[Dignity]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason.

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!]

9 million are retired.

That leaves 11 million to do the work.

There are 7 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work.

Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2 million to do the work.

0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with finding Osama bin Laden, which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 1 million people who work for state and local Governments and that leaves 500,000 people to do the work.

At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000 people to do the work.

Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.

[FNQCairns]

ARL stands for Australian Rugby League and AFL stands for Australian Football League








Does the following apply to the








ARL OR AFL?








36
have been accused of spousal abuse




7
have been arrested for fraud

19
have been accused of writing bad checks



117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses








3
have done time for assault
71,
repeat
71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit

14
have been arrested on drug-related charges

8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year



Can
you guess which organization this is?


Give
up yet? . . . Scroll down,







Neither,
it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA


The
same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.














You
gotta pass this one on!

[Poodroo]

Love all the jokes guys and gals. Hope you like mine. ;)



A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so,
if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

[snappa]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths , you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 !

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[bungie]

FNQCairns

Thats actually about the US congress :)

[mowerman]

STATISTICS


Doctors:
(A) The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%.
Statistics: courtesy of the U.S.Dept of Health & Human Services

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes! that's 80 million).
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%.
Statistics: courtesy of the FBI

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention............

[Poodroo]

I'm thinking that someone is going to print all these out and turn it into a best selling joke book and become rich ;D ;D ;D

Poodroo

[aussiefool]

yet an other reason to go fishing with beer

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/24795/never_go_fishing_with_beer/

[FNQCairns]

Bungie - oops! :-[ no matter probably works here from what I see/hear ;).

cheers fnq

[Lone_Wolf]

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies: Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6'5, weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?

The guy thinks about it a second and says: No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times.

[Dignity]

Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the " R" ! , we missed the " R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEB RATE !!! "

[Dignity]

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlour. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl who was so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr.slapped my Mother.

I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well, you got it again.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

[Darryl]

God works in mysterious ways.....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of

them is hurt.



God works in mysterious ways.



After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a

man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!

There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that

we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the

rest of our days".



Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,

this must be a sign from God!"



The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and

see where the evening leads."



Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in

agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it

back to the woman.



The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on,

and hands it back to the man.



The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"



The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....



MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them...

[PADDLES]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding
a 10c peice. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts
panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the money, which the woman deftly catches
in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, ........ "Divorce attorney"

[Fishin_Dan]

Found it!!!! ;D

[reelcrazy]

Labor Day Funnies...

Happy Labor Day! For those of you with gainful employment, we hope you enjoy
a well deserved day off! For those of you still looking for that perfect
job, rest assured that many others before you have had similarly difficult
job searches! Take my job history for example...
1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned:
couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.
3. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly because it was a so-so job.
4. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
5. I worked as a pilot but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.

6. Then I tried teaching but I couldn't make the grade.

7. I spent a few years as a Psychiatrist but everyone's problems drove me
crazy.

8. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

9. Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life
but I just didn't have the thyme.

10. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard.

11. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

12. I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.

13. I worked a long time as a doctor. I gave it my best shot, but I didn't
have enough patients.

14. Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it never touched my sole.

15.The Energizer Battery Company hired me but then expected me to keep
going, and going, and going...

16. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.

17. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

18. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but
the work was just too draining.

19. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't
up to it.

20. So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

21. Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my
type of work.

22. My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat
race.

23. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was
shocking even thought it kind of turned me on.

24. I was a gardener for a while, but I didn't grow with the job even though
I was raking in the money.

25. My career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought
I was a big joke.

26. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.

27. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.

[Dignity]

A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's tessticles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.
He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we took first and second place!"

[charleville]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-wUgnyGv0

[fish2eat]

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and
the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours
listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a
good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife
treats the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

[garpe]

Never Argue with a Woman



One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.


"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think .

[rowdycowdy]

check this out, you wont be dissapionted

www.pocketmovies.net/detail_91.html

download and follow the insturctions

[Poodroo]

Lol.. very funny. I added it to my extensive list of funny clips. Thanks for sharing. :)

Poodroo

[Bundy_Burp]

;D ;D ;D That bear has got some pretty fancy foot work and so has the guy from john west ;D ;D ;D

Bundy 8-)

[aussiefool]

Some times things are just too good to believe #:'( :'( ;) ;)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4102925827379258378&hl=en

enjoy ;D ;D ;D

[fish2eat]

TEN WAYS IN WHICH WOMEN ARE LIKE FISH

1. Both attracted to shiny objects
2. More fun to catch while drinking
3. Three words: catch and release
4. Both travel in protective groups
5. Bears will eat either of them
6. You must document great catches or no one will believe you -- video preferred
7. Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first
8. Neither can operate a vehicle
9. Scales are important to each of them
10. Can hook either with a great line

[tunaman]

LOL I like that one ;D





signed tunaman

[Camo]

The difference between man and woman

[Lone_Wolf]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

[Lone_Wolf]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Dignity]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant

my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[Dignity]

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We walked to school.

When we got in trouble we got a belting and learnt not to do that again.


We rode bikes, walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! < /SPAN>

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

[Dignity]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya, Mama

[Dignity]

>A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
>
>Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
>bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
>
>She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is
>in there already.
>
>The little boy says, "Dark in here."
>
>The man says, "Yes, it is."
>
>Boy - "I have a football."
>
>Man - "That's nice."
>
>Boy - "Want to buy it?"
>
>Man - "No, thanks."
>
>Boy - "My dad's outside."
>
>Man - "OK, how much?"
>
>Boy - "$250"
>
>In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
>in the cupboard together.
>
>Boy - "Dark in here."
>
>Man - "Yes, it is."
>
>Boy - "I have football shoes."
>
>The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
>
>Boy - "$750"
>
>Man - "Sold."
>
>A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
>football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
>
>The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and shoes."
>
>Father, "How much did you sell them for?"
>
>Boy -"$1,000."
>
>Father, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is
>way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
>make you confess."
>
>They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
>confession booth and he closes the door.
>
>The boy says, "Dark in here."
>
>Priest, "Don't start that shit again. You're in my closet now."

[Camo]

Eye test

[tunaman]

very good ;D do you have this problem ;D






signed tunaman ;D

[Lone_Wolf]

John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said, "Peter, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters."

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello.

"Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush."

"Right PM," said Costello.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer."

"Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink.

The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted it's tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip.

He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.

"Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them that there was a Cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!"

[Camo]

very good ;D do you have this problem ;D






signed tunaman

Tunaman, I resent that, and I'd tell you off, if I could only see the keyboad a little better ;D ;D

Camo

[fish2eat]

Never Lie to your Mother

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of
the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how
beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mom had long been
suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and
this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react,
Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
Stephanie and I are just roommates."


About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do
you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her a e-mail
just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:


Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying
That you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle
by now.
Love, Mom

[Camo]

A bloke walks into a pub and orders a double whisky. The barman can't help but notice that the bloke seems very, very depressed. 'What's wrong?'
'I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend.'
'Oh, you poor bastard,' says the barman. 'Have another one on me.'
As the bloke downs his second drink, the barman asks: 'And what did you do?'
'I walked over to my wife,' the man replies, 'I looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and bugger off.'
'And what about your friend?'
'I walked over to him, looked him straight in the eye and said
"BAD DOG!".


****************
A drunk walks into a crowded pub and takes the last barstool, next to an older woman.
After a while, the woman starts to smell a horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk.
She turns to him and says: 'Excuse me, Mister, but did you just shit yourself?'
The drunk replies: 'Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself.'
The woman says: 'Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?'
The drunk says: 'Cos I'm not finished yet.’

[Pilchard]

Son: Hey dad...where's the Taj Mahal?

Father: Ask your mother son, she puts everything away.

[tunaman]

Camo. thats a good one. ;D ;D ;D 8-) .
P/S I hope that eye problem gets better. LMAO ;D ;D ;D





signed tunaman 8-)

[triman]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
> $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
> stops
> at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
> clerk,
> "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
>
> "About 32," is the reply.
>
> "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
>
> A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
> the
> very same question.
>
> The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
>
> The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
>
> Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
> on
> her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
> and
> asks the clerk this burning question.
>
> The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
>
> Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
>
> While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
> to
> her the same question.
>
> He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
> was
> young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
>
> very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
> bra.
>
> Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
>
> They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
> best
> of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
>
> He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
> very
> slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently
> pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
> against
> each other.
>
> After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
> I?"
>
> He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
> says,
> "Madam, you are 50."
>
> Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
>
> tell?"
>
> The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
>
> "I promise I won't." she says.
>
> "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[hussy]

how many vegans does it take to eat a cow?. one if no-ones looking.


hubby

[rowdycowdy]

you want funny?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_VlVckrUgY

get ready to laugh

[OISTA]

Two baby seals walk into a club
b-bam

[Dezzer]

No-one had the heart to tell him

[fish2eat]

MORE GREAT T-SHIRT SLOGANS

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

13) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.

14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

17) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

18) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

19) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

20) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog

21) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old)

22) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

23) "Procrastinate..... Now"

24) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"

25) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."

26) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

[infuri8]

fella & his new wife go to sth america for a honeymoon, every day they take a wander in the jungle for a bit of fun in the sun together. last morning before their flight they are going for a last jungle stroll & notice this little clearing & in the middle of it is a minature skunk & a minature python fighting to the death, so the fella grabs them both & says, "cmon' hon, we'll take these home & make a fortune" the wife agrees & off they go. When they get to the airport their has been an attempted coup on the government & security is severly beefed up, the wife starts to panic cause she doesn't want to rot in a sth american jail for ever. So hubby drags her into the toilets & passes her the skunk, he grabs the python himself & says "i'll stick this down the front of my pants & you stick that in your knickers, no one will notice anything strange." well the wife was having none of that & said "but what about the smell" "oh well", hubby replies, "if it dies, it dies"

[Dignity]

A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside
him and the window was wound down.


"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver.


"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.


"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver.
"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster


"What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY dollars eh?",quizzed the
driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.


"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.


"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies",
the driver offered.


"NO!", screamed the boy.



"What will it take to get you in the car?"
Asked the driver with a long sigh.



The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Volvo, you live with it."

[stevedemon]

Here guys this one is for the girls

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....

”Clean my house."

Cheers ;D ;D
Steve 8-) 8-)

[stevedemon]

The Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies. . . . "


Wait for it. .


It's coming. .


The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:


"You just happened to catch my eye."


(oh shut up, and just forward IT! )

Cheers ;D ;D
Steve 8-) 8-)

[Fishin_Dan]

I think I have found the ultimate boat for Troy & Pete....

They may even get along ;)

A mono and a cat all at once...

[GutterGuide]

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was
directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being
used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The
French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone
defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know,
sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the
wrong bitch out the window.

[Camo]

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a sinking ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the man blurted out: 'Make the entire ocean into beer!'

Immediately the genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished to her freedom.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension he spoke. 'Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!'

[gunnabuild1]

A male patient is lying in bed after a heart attack,with his mouth covered by an oxygen mask.A young student nurse enters the room to give a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles from behind his oxgen mask"are my testicles black?"I dont know sir"she replies embarrassed"I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet"He struggles to ask again "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that worrying about his testicles may elevate his heart rate and blood pressure she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers,lifts his robe and grasps his manhood in one hand and uses her other hand to hold his testicles after an inspection she said "Sir there's nothing wrong with them"
The man takes off his oxygen mask smiles and very slowly says"That was wonderful, now listen carefully, Are-my-test-results-back?

[theVan]

I am sure this must have been told on this site before, but I just heard it and cracked up.





A husband came home from work to find his beautiful wife standing seductively in the hallway in sexy lingerie.

She said " you can tie me up and do anything you want"

He tied her up, ............ and went fishing!

[SIRO]

5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2006





Smart Ass Answer #5:



A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his

trench coat and flashed her.



Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your

stub."



*****************



Smart Ass Answer #4:



A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she

couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do

these turkeys get any bigger?"



The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



*******************



Smart Ass Answer #3:



The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled

down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.



The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop

finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



***********************



Smart Ass Answer #2:



A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,

"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and

he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a

police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck

driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,

"Got stuck, huh?"



The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of

gas."



***********************



#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................



A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.



"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I

might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or

a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses

whatsoever!"



A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What

would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter

sexual exhaustion?"



The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was

restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and

sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other

hand."

[Duyz72]

God sent an angel down to Earth to give him an update on humanity.
The angel spent a week living amongst the people to get a feel for what Gods creations had become while utilising Gods gift of self determination.
He came back and told God that 95% of the people were bad and only 5% were worthy.
God was not pleased, but decided to send down a second angel to verify, this time a female angel to see if that made any difference.
The second angel spent a month living with the people becoming one of them, working with them, eating, drinking and sleeping with them.
She came back and confirmed to God that 95% of the people were bad and only 5% were worthy of his affection.
This came as quite a shock to God, so he decided to do something about it.
God sent an e-mail to the 5% of people who were worthy in an attempt to sort this whole thing out.
And do you know what that e-mail said?. . . . .No? . . . .Yeah, I didn't get one either!

[Camo]

A blonde's house catches on fire. #So she calls the fire brigade. #
'My house is on fire! My house is on fire!
'How do we get there?' says the fire captain.
An she says: 'Duh in the big red truck.

*******************************************
A blonde is standing at a vending machine putting money in the slot and collecting can after can of coke. #A bloke behind her is getting more and more impatient. 'For Christ's sake hurry up!' he said.
The Blonde says, 'Can't you see I'm winning.'

[redspeckle]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"



As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching".


MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid

and not all blondes are dumb,

but all men are men!!

Mitch

[Dignity]

The following are all replies that Dallas, Texas women have written on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "Father's
details".
Or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine
excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number 11. It takes 1st
prize and #3 is runner up.


1. Regarding. The identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.


2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.


3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you
send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country.

Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the
same to me.

8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borned at the same time .. Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night was a blur. The only thing I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I
had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive , I might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart.

[luigi]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**.

[harry_h01]

A golf story

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked as if it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a telephone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Ah, is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Oh, so THAT's when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.

"No. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"That must have been the point," said the Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No it wasn't, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior said, "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"

[harry_h01]

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

<><><><><><><>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

<><><><><><><>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

<><><><><><><>

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

" Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

<><><><><><><>

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

<XXXXXXXXXX>

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

<XXXXXX>

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

<XXXXXX>

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

<XXXXXX>

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty."

<XXXXXX>
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

<XXXXXX>

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis

[Camo]

An old codger went to live in an old people's home, and after his first few days in residence, his son went to check on things. 'Well, Dad, how are you getting on?'
'Son, you'll never believe it, but when a nurse bathed me she got hold of my ##### and asked me if I'd like some relief,' said Dad with a toothless smile.
A few weeks later the son returned. But this time Dad seemed depressed. 'What's the matter, Dad?'
'Well, I fell in the corridor and a male nurse came up behind me and gave me one,' said the old codger.
'Dad, you have to take the rough with the smooth,' said the son. 'At least the nurse looks after you when you're in the bath.'
‘Yes,’ replied the old man, ‘but I only have a bath once a week. I fall over twice a day.’

[luigi]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting ...

Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I
was only in there for about 5 #minutes, when I came out there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket. #I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how
about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a sh**head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. #The more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. #I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun #each day now that I'm retired. #It's important
at my age.

[donn]

did you hear about the kiwi who thought that the canning stock route was an annual event!

[Dignity]

How to get sick leave
I urgently needed a few days off from company I work for, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker, (who's a New Zealander), asked me what I was doing, so I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out, go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker, (the New Zealander) followed me, the Boss asked him
"... and where do you think you're going?"
He said, "I'm going home too bro - I can't work in the dark!"

[Bronson]

y did the girl fall of the swing?????????????????

because she had no arms


bronson

[Bronson]

y do the birds fly upsidedown in newzeland ?????????????????????

because the kiwies are'nt worth shitting on

no afence to all the kiwies


bronson

[Bronson]

2 men walked into a bar the 3rd one ducked..............?????????????


bronson

[Joe_N]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:

"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the
little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one
to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to
run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?

[Joe_N]

Two blondes living in Adelaide were sitting on a bench talking and one

blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Sydney

or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooo, can you see

Sydney...?????"



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely

if

he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me

to show it to you!"



RIVER WALK

There's a blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees

another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,

"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and

shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."



AT THE DOCTOR'S SURGERY



A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's surgery and said

that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

She pushed her elbow and screamed.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and

screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind

the

wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing

lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his

bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their

heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the

Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.

We're going at night!"



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls

your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked,

"Is it on or off?"

[Geoff_Atkinson]

What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."

[Geoff_Atkinson]

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party

[Geoff_Atkinson]

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman



#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

[Geoff_Atkinson]

Why is it called PMS? ;D--
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
[smiley=laola.gif] [smiley=laola.gif] [smiley=lolk.gif] [smiley=lolk.gif] [smiley=smash.gif]

[Geoff_Atkinson]

Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif]

[Geoff_Atkinson]

Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you bitch.''[smiley=whip.gif] [smiley=whip.gif] [smiley=smitten.gif] [smiley=smitten.gif] [smiley=smitten.gif]

[Geoff_Atkinson]

Understanding a Woman


We need REALLY MEANS I want

[smiley=smash.gif]--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You want REALLY MEANS You need

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes REALLY MEANS No

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No REALLY MEANS No

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe REALLY MEANS No

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your credit card?

[Geoff_Atkinson]

Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart. One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?" The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to." So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three. That'll be25 cents each and we can eat the other one.

[Geoff_Atkinson]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[Camo]

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as ususal, 'I have a headache.'
Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin.'

************************************************** ********

A husband comes home to find his wife in the living room with her suitcases packed.
'Where the hell do you think you're going?' he asks.
'I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you for free!'
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down with his suitcase packed as well.
'Where do you think you're going?' the wife exclaims.
'I'm coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!'

************************************************** *******

The husband usually went out on a Friday night to play cards with his mates. But on this Friday he felt a bit crook and so was watching television with his wife, who seemed strained and nervous. Right in the middle of the program the phone rang. 'Don't answer it,' said the wife rather anxiously. But the husband picked up the receiver, listened for a few seconds an said: ‘I’ve no bloody idea. Why don’t you call the bloody coastguard?' And slammed the receiver down.
'Who was that?' asked his wife, her eyes wide with anxiety.
‘I dunno,’ said the husband, ‘some ######## wanted to know if the coast was clear.’

[harry_h01]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, after which you'll be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about that toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move andshould, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

[harry_h01]

Two nuns and a mother supieror awaited entry at the pearly gates. Saint Peter told them, "I must ask each of you a question. If you get the answer right: lightening will flash, thunder will boom and the gates of Heaven will open." He then asked the first nun in line, "who was the first man?"
"That's easy, it was Adam," she replied."
Lightening flashed, thunder boomed and the gates of Heaven opened.
"Who was the first woman," Saint Peter asked the second nun.
"That's real easy too," she beamed. "It was Eve, of course."
Lightening flashed, thunder boomed and the gates of Heaven opened.
"Now since you are a mother superior, I'm required to ask you something a little more difficult," Saint Peter intoned. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?"
She said, "Gee, that is a hard one."
Lightening flashed, thunder boomed...and the gates of heaven opened.

[harry_h01]

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear
for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he
waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before
the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day
and he would have to return the following day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared,

"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.

"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two
more words."

[harry_h01]

Here's some more new drugs that may soon be on the market..

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music and WWF wrestling

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and
reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can
cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than
Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache,"
syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the
time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to
identify who to cross off the dating pool.

[harry_h01]

MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES
(and other social catastrophes)

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

[Joe_N]

Prime Minister John Howard was visiting a primary school and he visited
one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
"tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a
'tragedy'".
" No," said Howard, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister
"That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
John searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a
quiet voice he said:
"If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Howard was struck by a
"friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed John Howard. "That's right. And can you tell me
why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss
and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either."

[seabug]

Tickle Me Elmo
>
> There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the
>Tickle Me Elmo
> toys.
>
> The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
>
> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
>reports for her
> first day promptly at 8:00 AM .
>
> The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel
>Manager's door.
>
> The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the
>new employee.
>
> He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line
>is backing up,
> putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>
> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself,
>so the 2 men
> march down to the factory floor.
>
> When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
>Tickle Me Elmo's
> all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to
>pile up.
>
> At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
>Tickle Me
> Elmo's.
>
> She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
>marbles.
>
> The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
>fabric, wraps it
> around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
>package between
> Elmo's legs.
>
> The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
>
> After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together
>and approaches
> Lena .
>
> "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight
>face, "but I
> think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
>yesterday..."
>
> "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
>
>

[fishingbarry]

Two guys from Melbourne are quietly sitting in a boat at Lake Bolac , Victoria fishing and tubeing down a VB when suddenly Dick says,



"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Bill takes a sip out of his stubby and says, "You better think it over mate - women like that are hard to find."

[Dignity]

fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mother and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[seabug]

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"

...... Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***


******Longer Pause******


Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??"

[mowerman]

Amazing new invention.

Just released on the market.

What am I offered for one of these.

[reelcrazy]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,




"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[fish2eat]

Brant Webb and Todd Russell caught up in a pub recently to catch up after their experience of being trapped at the Beaconsfield mine disaster.

Todd said, "you know Brant, when I said to cut my leg off if you couldn't clear the rocks off it, I really meant it"

Brant says, "don't be silly Todd, who would want a one legged gold digger?"

Todd says" I thought I might give Paul McCartney a call...."

[SteveCan]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.



News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"



"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"



After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.



It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.



Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".



Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"



Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.



A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm
f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"



Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:



I lay upon a grassy bank

My hands were all a quiver

I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river



These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

[harry_h01]

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street, and they see a sign on
a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50
each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob
of these, take'em back to Manly, sell 'em to our friends, and make a
fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they
might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll
talk in a slow Victorian drawl so's they don't know we is from Sydney."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Victorian drawl, "I'll take 50
of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50
pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup
and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Sydney, ain't
ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba.... "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

[imnotoriginal]

Dead Parrot



At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the

caretaker at your country house."



"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"



"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot

died.



"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"



"Is, Senor, that's the one."



"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."



"What did he die from?"



"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"



"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"



"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."



"Dead horse? What dead horse?"



"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."



"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"



"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."



"Are you insane? What water cart?"



"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"



"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"



"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught

on fire."



"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed

because of a candle??!!!



"Yes Senor Rod."



"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"



"For the funeral, Senor Rod."



"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??"



"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue

and I thought she was a thief, So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods' Nike

Driver."





SILENCE.................. , LONG SILENCE....





"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

[finga64]

A new Teacher was trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

**************

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

***************

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked,
"Dad,
why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mum.

[Fishin_Dan]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.



Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

[sharkboy7]

knock knock
whos there
cows go
cows go who
no silly cows go moo :'(

[geoff72]

Group of ladies sitting around a having a chat on how the got there husbands to do more around the house.
American lady stood up and said,i told my husband im not going to do the groceries any more, all the ladies breathed deeply and said "what did he say how did he react". "Well "the american lady said,1st day i saw nothn,2nd day i saw nothn,3rd day i got home all groceries done and put away, all the ladies clapped and cheered"well done sister,well done", KIWI lady stood up and said,i told my husband im not cleaning anymore, all ladies breathed deeply and said"what did he do,how did he react","well" the KIWI lady said,1st day i saw nothn,2nd day i saw nothn,3rd day i got home and the house was spotless. All the ladies clapped and cheered"well done sister,well done". Aussie lady got up and said,"i told my husband im not cooking any more for him" all the ladies breathed deeply and said"what did he do ,how did he react","well" aussie lady said"1st day,i saw nothn,2nd day i saw nothn,3rd day i could see alittle bit out of my left eye"
cheers, enjoy

[geoff72]

Waht is mary short for?


Cause she only has little legs.

[aussiefool]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. #Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?











* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round *

[Chimo]

With the festive season not far off and the need to think about presents like teddy bears this one took my fancy ::) Hopefull it takes yours too! :D

Chimo

"Prize Lover"

A woman meets a guy in a bar. They talk, they connect, and then end up leaving together. They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There were three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears. They were carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. As she stood admiring the display, she was touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for a guy to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, especially one so extensive. She decided not to mention this to him. Secretly, she was quite impressed by his sensitive side, all the while thinking to herself, "Oh my God! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children!"

She turned to him. They kissed and then they ripped each other's clothes off and had a long and hot session of steamy sex.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy thinks for a moment, and says, "It was good. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[Dignity]

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the

Entertainment Industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence... "Well, stop bloody clapping then!"

[Dignity]

Hangover Ratings


1 star hangover

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.


2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


3 star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.





4 star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.


5 star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.


6 star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

Thought so!!

[SIRO]

Van Gogh's Family Tree



His dizzy aunt -- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N. Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle -- Where Diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -- A. Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wells Far Gogh

The constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin -- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way To Gogh

The little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh



....And there ya Gogh!

[Cruiser]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop, License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law; License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between Slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the c**p out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Cruiser]

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to vaccum the house after you've been banged.

[Cruiser]

Kiwi Translator...

[Fishin_Dan]

Ever wondered why you rarely see letters from men in agony aunt columns....



Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

[Cruiser]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked," Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.

And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!

And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.

No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[Dignity]

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him:
"George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country,
and on each house I saw a banner."


"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmud replies, "ALLAH IS GOD, GOD IS ALLAH."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."


"What could you see on the banners?" Mahmud says.



Bush replies, "I don't know, I can´t bloody´ read Hebrew !"

[2iar]

Olaf vas vorking at de fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally
cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in de klinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky
doctor looked at Olaf and said: "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat
I can do".
Olaf said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. " It's 2006!
Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da
finkers?"
Olaf says (irritably) ............"How da vock vas I suppose to pick dem
up?

[Lone_Wolf]

UP & DOWN SEX


At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.!
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the ! next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,"Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f#*k or drown !

[charleville]

Port or Starboard?

[Lone_Wolf]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St Peter called the first
person over.

He said, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to
admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your
story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been
cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red-handed.
I walked into my 25th floor apartment and by the way my wife was acting I could
tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this
other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging
off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but
wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering
on his fingers.
Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge,
dragged it out and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him
instantly.
But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there
on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and
again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment
building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the
edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto
the balcony.
I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.
I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer
and started pounding on my hands.
Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below,
stunned but all right.
Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling
out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line and Peter explained that heaven was
full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[Cruiser]

Mississippi grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a matronly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known him since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[Cruiser]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me".

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"


And Adam said...


*


*


*


*


*


*


*


*


"What's a headache?"

[Dignity]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time
with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Yea. Why"?

The worker yelled back "His wife's here with his lunch."

[harry_h01]

Barbie's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

[harry_h01]

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

[harry_h01]

Does Santa exist

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1)No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2)There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3)Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4)The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5)353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft's re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.

Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be valorised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.

A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

Mmmm... but remember kids, when you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas...

[Chimo]

In the spirit of the soon to be holiday season.................... ::)

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

Merry Xmas

Chimo

[Danda_fishn_man]

I am no good at telling jokes but these are gr8! looking forward to seeing more ;D

Cheers

Dan

[GES]

A man in Brisbane called his son in Canberra and said " Peter. I hate to have to tell you this son, but your mother and I are getting a divorce. Forty five years of missery is enough."
The son yelled "Geeez Dad, what are you talking about ? You can't divorce Mum !!"
The Father said" We can't stand the sight of one another any longer. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about it, so you call your sister in Sydney and tell her about it."
Frantic, the son phoned his sister in Sydney and told her the story. She exploded and said to her brother "No way are they getting divorced. I'll take care of this."
She telephoned her father in Brisbane and screamed at her father " You're not getting divorced at this stage of your life. Don't you do a thing until Peter and I get there. Don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME ??" Then she hung up.
The old man hung up the phone and turns to his wife and says "OK. They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."

GES

[Chimo]

Holiday spirit! ;)

[Chimo]

Further to the holiday spirit,

If you holiday in Canada don't compete for fish with these guys ::)

[husserhunter]

how do kiwi's find sheep in the long grass?

very appelling

[imnotoriginal]

How do kiwis find their sheep in the dark?

MAAAAAAAArvellous!

Joel

[aussiefool]

I think that I will try this!!


HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want
To delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?
Works for me!

[Dignity]

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.



Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
developed.



Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."



MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


**********************************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up required distance to align car window with machine.
3. Set parking brake, put window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into appropriate slot.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.