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Lone_Wolf
20-02-2006, 04:10 PM
blonde joke

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were
training to become detectives. To test their skills in
recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a
picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch
him fast because he only has one eye!"The Policeman
says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows
his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde
and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and
says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only
has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's
the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and
one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his
profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the
picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice
asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me
a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment
and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears
contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting
answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his
file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the
room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile
on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good
work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear
regular glasses because he only has one eye and one
ear."

Dignity
20-02-2006, 07:27 PM
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign

reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Dignity
20-02-2006, 07:28 PM
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.



Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"



They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.



"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me"



Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"



"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.



"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Dignity
20-02-2006, 07:29 PM
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.



Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"



They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.



"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me"



Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"



"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.



"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Lone_Wolf
21-02-2006, 10:14 AM
BEER ALERT
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local
pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called
"Beer."

CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT WHY

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

aussiefool
21-02-2006, 10:22 AM
[quote author=Lone_Wolf link=1089172140/750#758 date=1140480850] BEER ALERT
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local
pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called
"Beer."

Loved it ..... now I know why I gave up the drink ;D ;D ;D

MIKOS
21-02-2006, 10:50 AM
There once was a guy born with no eyelids so he went to see the doctor.

The doctor said "not a problem I can fix that". 'We will use your forskin for the eyelids.

The man then replied "will it look normal"?

The doctor replied "yes it will look normal but you maybe a little cockeyed but think of how good your forsight will be".

Mike

szopen
21-02-2006, 04:47 PM
Girlfriend remote

Fishin_Dan
21-02-2006, 07:06 PM
Now why on earth would you want an up button on the "Yappin"?

Punkin
22-02-2006, 04:14 AM
Now why on earth would you want an up button on the "Yappin"?

Plentya reasons...

What about the inlaws drop in? You gunna carry the conversation about Aunt Berylls hernia operation? Or you gunna slip out to the shed and sink a couplea beers?

fish2eat
22-02-2006, 11:05 AM
Just goes to show how differently men and women look at things...

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant
and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Broncos lost. At least I got laid.

fish2eat
22-02-2006, 11:11 AM
Can people really be this stupid?

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

Lone_Wolf
22-02-2006, 11:34 AM
This is AMAZING!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between male and female birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically... until now.


Below are two birds. Study them closely.........

See if you can spot which of the two is the female.

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

fish2eat
22-02-2006, 03:28 PM
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

fish2eat
23-02-2006, 01:54 PM
HUSBAND SAFETY TIPS

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Punkin
24-02-2006, 03:40 AM
Stole this one from over the street. ::)


There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual
dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff our computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

bigmack
24-02-2006, 10:11 AM
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat downnext to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working ontractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I
even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think
of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

aussiefool
26-02-2006, 08:56 AM
I love these they are so close to the truth

why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
>
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
>
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,but check when you say the paint is wet?
>
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
>
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
>
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
>
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
>
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
>
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
>
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
>
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
>
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
>
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
>
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?
>
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?
>
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
>
And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends --
if they're okay, then it's you.

Lone_Wolf
27-02-2006, 09:29 AM
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get
screwed.
So we're just waiting............

fish2eat
27-02-2006, 11:53 AM
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

snappa
27-02-2006, 12:00 PM
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something

Reel_Obsession
27-02-2006, 05:06 PM
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY

"Let's take your car"
really means..."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of fuel."

"I don't care what colour you paint the kitchen."
really means..."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, grey, mauve or any other colour besides white."

"Can I help with dinner?"
really means..."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Have you lost weight?"
really means..."I've just spent our last $80 on a cordless drill."

"Good idea"
really means..."It'll never work, and I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
really means..."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
really means..."Oh bugger, what have you done to yourself?"

"I recycle."
really means..."We pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"It would take too long to explain."
really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
really means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"That's interesting dear."
really means..."Are you still talking?"

"You cook just like my mother used to."
really means..."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"Oh don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
really means..."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I'll admit I'm hurt.

"What do you mean, you need new clothes."
really means..."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"Yes, I left plenty of fuel in the car."
really means..."You may actually get it to start."

"You look terific."
really means..."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

Cruiser
28-02-2006, 01:18 PM
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and ... ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! boy! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

harry_h01
01-03-2006, 07:47 AM
My wife left me.

I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker, maybe a Slab on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup,

I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back....

harry_h01
01-03-2006, 08:57 AM
It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He as obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. Then said, "Now, tell him you've got a headache."

harry_h01
01-03-2006, 08:58 AM
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

wiseguy67
01-03-2006, 10:38 AM
Sobriety Test
https://myemail.westnet.com.au/cache/8DB49D637E1FABD931AAE340A5D4E1F4/480944089/DUIStop%5F1.wmv

szopen
01-03-2006, 04:06 PM
One guy tells the other:

- Yesterday I went to see the doctor, I have asked him to give me some cough medicne, but he gave me a laxative.
- And what happend? Are you still coughing?
- I didn't dare...

Lone_Wolf
01-03-2006, 04:44 PM
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punuishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

fish2eat
02-03-2006, 09:16 AM
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Figjamm
02-03-2006, 09:27 AM
Haven't read every joke here, so don't know if this one has already been posted.


What am I?

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in n out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position.

What am I?

Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush!

What were you thinking? ;)

Cruiser
03-03-2006, 04:17 PM
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Hoges
06-03-2006, 08:52 AM
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring Yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion Among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once We settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be Mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, But I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says It for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a Year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care Of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, So I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big Talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with Only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son- of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem ... You know, it's actually been some time since I Really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their Young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his Horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real Quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
>
>
>
Third Bull: "Sh!t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm A bull!!

Hoges
09-03-2006, 07:16 AM
A Blonde Goes Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the
right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After
getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in
the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the
ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet
another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the
far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again
the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''
The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

Hoges
09-03-2006, 07:15 PM
God decided he needed a vacation.

One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."

Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."

A third advisor suggested Earth. "That's the worst of all," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant."



:-/ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :o

Hoges
10-03-2006, 07:48 AM
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of
stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little
drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first
mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read
the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk
today."

"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate
said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a
captain myself." "Well, is it true?" asked the Captain,
knowing full well it was. "Yes, it's true," admitted the
mate.

"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule.
If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said
the Captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's
turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship
seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."

;D

An officer in the U.S. Naval Reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.
The French Admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it is because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German." The group became silent.

;D

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when
they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they
found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American
soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to
breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what
had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the
teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I
looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic,
deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a
moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

;D

It was wintertime, and one day George W Bush looked out at the White House lawns to discover that someone had urinated the phrase "Dubya is a jerk" in the snow. He was naturally incensed and called on his closest advisors to discover the culprit.

They came back about an hour later and said "Mr President, I'm afraid we have some bad news and some really bad news regarding the snow incident."

"Alright" says Bush, "What's the bad news?"
"Well we've had the urine tested and it turns out the culprit was Dick Cheney."

"Cheney, eh? And what's the really bad news?"
"The really bad news, sir, is that the graphologists have discovered it's Mrs Bush's handwriting."
:o

Lone_Wolf
10-03-2006, 10:12 AM
A friend came into work this morning looking very glum. When I asked him what was wrong, he said...

"My wife left me. I don't understand.
After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses and I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe two 6-packs on weekends. What's that? Fifteen, maybe $20 at the most?
Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping, I looked at the receipt and saw $45 for make-up.
I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that make-up so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back."

Lone_Wolf
10-03-2006, 12:14 PM
A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:

'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!", she said. 'Something that goes
from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!
And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited, she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully
bought.

Apparently he is dead now ...

mitch_05
11-03-2006, 10:24 AM
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it." The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

---------------------------------

Whats dumber then 3 brunettes building a house underwater?

3 blondes trying to burn it down!

ahoj
11-03-2006, 05:30 PM
"
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over
fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against
the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there
Again and we can do it for old times sake?"
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but
very good idea!

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth
Listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
Eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their
Way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his
trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the

Watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is
amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he
didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and
put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing.
I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but
That was something .....
You must have had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Lone_Wolf
13-03-2006, 08:59 AM
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to
perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few
things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to
an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can
cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame,
and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
Harry then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year.*
Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man had promised.
His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for Harry?"*

redspeckle
13-03-2006, 07:28 PM
I don't know this be post yet but here its go's

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£124,237.64."

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64," What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........Well, since your weekend's rooted, you might as well go fishing!!!"
Mitch
Go The Cowboys in 2006

harry_h01
14-03-2006, 09:05 AM
A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
that used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
but let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! what comes next?

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!

Dignity
14-03-2006, 06:50 PM
When a woman wears leather clothing,
A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry,
He gets weak in the knees,
And he begins to thin irrationally,
Ever begin to wonder why?



Because she smells like a new ute! ;D ;D ;D

reelcrazy
15-03-2006, 12:19 AM
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

spuderico
15-03-2006, 06:21 AM
:) :) :) :)

Cruiser
15-03-2006, 07:31 AM
Three Horse...

Cruiser
15-03-2006, 07:32 AM
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

herveybaymagic
15-03-2006, 07:42 PM
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

redspeckle
16-03-2006, 05:16 PM
YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER.

FOR EXAMPLE .

1. FREEZER BAGS:

THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY HOLD EVERYTHING IN, BUT YOU CAN SEE RIGHT
THROUGH THEM.


2. COPIERS:

THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM THEM
UP AGAIN. IT'S AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT BUTTONS
ARE PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE PUSHED.


3. TYRES:

THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE IT GOES BALD AND ITS OFTEN OVER-INFLATED.


4. HOT AIR BALLOON:

MALE, BECAUSE TO GET IT TO GO ANYWHERE, YOU HAVE TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER
IT, AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE HOT AIR PART.


5. SPONGES:

FEMALE BECAUSE THEY'RE SOFT, SQUEEZABLE AND RETAIN WATER.


6. WEB PAGE:

FEMALE, BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS GETTING HIT ON.


7. SUBWAY:

MALE, BECAUSE IT USES THE SAME OLD LINES TO PICK PEOPLE UP.


8. HOURGLASS:

FEMALE, BECAUSE OVER TIME, THE WEIGHT SHIFTS TO THE BOTTOM.


9. HAMMER:

MALE, BECAUSE IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH OVER THE LAST 500 YEARS BUT IT'S
HANDY TO HAVE AROUND.


10. REMOTE CONTROL:

FEMALE - HA! YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE MALE. BUT CONSIDER THIS - IT GIVES A
MAN PLEASURE, HE'D BE LOST WITHOUT IT, AND WHILE HE DOESN'T ALWAYS
KNOW THE RIGHT BUTTONS TO PUSH, HE KEEPS TRYING.

Mitch
Go the Cowboys in 2006

redspeckle
16-03-2006, 05:25 PM
Drink Driving...brilliant!!
Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar

So intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the
man managed to find his car which he fell into.He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car,switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
Mitch
Go the Cowboys in 2005

Feral
17-03-2006, 05:43 AM
One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went fishing.

catchy_fishy
17-03-2006, 07:57 AM
YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER.
#
#
2. COPIERS:
#
THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM THEM
UP AGAIN. IT'S AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT BUTTONS
ARE PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE PUSHED.
#


They also need a good service every now and then [smiley=2thumbsup.gif]

catchy_fishy
17-03-2006, 07:59 AM
So, he tied her up and went fishing.

Excellent ;D ;D ;DROTFL

judd
17-03-2006, 09:18 PM
Guys Camping
;)

catchy_fishy
18-03-2006, 04:50 AM
One for the Irish on St Patricks Day

By what name do you call an Irishman that spends his life outdoors.
















Pat'y O'Furniture

Lone_Wolf
18-03-2006, 11:41 AM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting:

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a
shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

wetaline
18-03-2006, 02:08 PM
Some of these jokes are what got the last joke page deleted, be kind guys, jokes can be funny without being foul. <br>cheers<br>Joe

These jokes are hardly foul Joe, just don't read them if they offend you. I think the submitters do a good job of keeping the blue content down. TV has worse language (vocal and body) than is being alluded to here.

Laughter is the best medicine, after fishing. Don't steal our meds Joe. Society has lost many of the freedoms we once thought to be normal. Let's not find new ways to be killjoys, the do gooders are doing just fine.

blaze
18-03-2006, 03:11 PM
I dont know where you are coming from
wetaline
that quote from joe was on 30-07 2004 thats a long time ago, doubt you was even a member then
why drag up a quote so old
cheers
blaze

wiseguy67
18-03-2006, 03:37 PM
Email FW: warnings:

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit
that this one is important. Please protect everyone you know by
sending this to your entire email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a
survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum.

This is a scam. They only want to see your bum.

I wish I'd got this yesterday, I feel so stupid -- and cheap.

teach
20-03-2006, 11:02 PM
L I P S T I C K - True Story!!!!!!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Sussex, N.B. was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this without effect. Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was. Following the instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee and solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl. He then scrubbed at the mirror. There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are Teachers... and then there are Educators.

;D

harry_h01
23-03-2006, 07:30 AM
Two old folks got married. As they were lying in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been comlpetely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me." golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my passion, my first love.

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman says, "While we're baring our souls, I'd guess I better tell you that I've been a hooker all my life".

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?"

aussiefool
23-03-2006, 12:14 PM
Late Paddy's day's jokes

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of
me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking
place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

******************************************

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said,
"I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand
over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you
want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father!" The
priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

************************************************** **********

Shean worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that
time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his
conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to
repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been
stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the
priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
Shean said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

******************************************

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching
the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the
flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow
the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still
stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the
Catholics across?"

************************************************** ****

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly
phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

************************************************** *****

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have You been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

aussiefool
23-03-2006, 12:17 PM
God Talks to Adam

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said,
"Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam,
"On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said,
"I want you to rep! roduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath),
"Geez "
!

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily,
"What is it now?"

And Adam said


*

*

*

*

*



"What's a headache?"

;D ;D

szopen
23-03-2006, 04:19 PM
Resignation letter.

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.

One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f-- k with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,
Ted Brewer

Hoges
24-03-2006, 08:05 AM
Mobile phones for sale

Not sure which thread to post these????

As I'm not using them anymore am selling:


Nokia with Camera (4.1 mega pixels)

&

Nokia with Camera + Vibrating Alert

See below and if you or anyone you know is interested please contact:
stupid@hellstra.com !

Thanks

BrandonH
24-03-2006, 03:27 PM
Two fish swim into a cement wall...
One turns to the other and says "Dam!"


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Belive it or not but my Misses told me this one!!!

Cheers
Brandon...

Hoges
24-03-2006, 08:53 PM
Two fish swim into a cement wall...
One turns to the other and says "Dam!"


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Belive it or not but my Misses told me this one!!!

Cheers
Brandon...

Sorry Brandon, so have about a dozen others here. ;D

Almost as bad as this oldie!

A bloke walks into a bar with a lump of ashphalt under his arm and says to the barman, "Give me a double scotch and one for the road" ;D

redspeckle
25-03-2006, 06:47 AM
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALLof these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance,old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the
young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."


Moral of this story? .
Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill and treachery will
always overcome youth and arrogance!

Mitch
GO THE COWBOYS IN 2006

wiseguy67
25-03-2006, 05:50 PM
My canadian friend sent this:

No wonder...we're so tired!

The population of Canada is 30 million.

11 million are retired, that leaves 19 million to do the work.

There are 5.5 million in school, which leaves 13.5 million to do the work.

Of these, there are 3 million employed by the federal government, leaving 10.5 million to do the work.

1 million are in the armed forces, preoccupied with killing Terrorists, which leaves 9.5 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 7 million people who work for Provincial and city Governments, and that leaves 2.5 million to do the work.

At any given time, there are 476,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,024,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons and 812,000 on Employment Insurance and Welfare.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.

And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice.

Real nice.

hussy
25-03-2006, 09:53 PM
kerry anne kennellys morning show

wiseguy67
26-03-2006, 08:30 AM
.

slugo
26-03-2006, 11:37 AM
Irish joke
patty was having a drink at his local and his mate simon came up to him and said you look bloody terrible patty what happen to you (patty had a black eye). arrr I went to church last sunday and you know when you sit down kneel down and stand back up.. well I did that and when we stood up the lady in front of me her dress got caught up her bum so I leaned over and pulled it out and the bloke next to her hit me.
A week later patty was back at his local and this time he had two black eyes a fat lip and a broken nose. his mate simon looked at him and said holy mother what happen patty . I went to church on sunday again and when we all sat down kneel down and stood back up the same lady from last week was in front of me her dress got caught up her bum and the bloke next to her pulled it back out. BUT I remembered from last week that she did not like that so I leaned over and stuck it back in ...

Hoges
27-03-2006, 09:22 AM
OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

harry_h01
27-03-2006, 03:29 PM
blonds medical dictionary

bacteria = back door to a cafeteria
cat scan = looking for *****
injury = jury duty
xray = blue movie
cardiac arrest = busted for car theft
Anti-Body: against everyone
Enema: not a friend
Genes: blue denim slacks
Caesarean Section = a district in Rome
Colic = sheep dog
Outpatient = a person who has fainted
Saline = where you go on your boyfriend's boat
A-fib = a lie
Terminal Illness = getting sick at the airport
Varicose = nearby

szopen
27-03-2006, 08:01 PM
In a bookstore man asks the assistant:
- Do you have "Man, the ruller of woman"???
Answer:
- We do not carry science fiction.

szopen
27-03-2006, 08:04 PM
Husband: How about a quickie for a change?
Wife: Change from what...?

szopen
27-03-2006, 08:11 PM
Alcohol Warnings

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

harry_h01
28-03-2006, 07:23 AM
The Navy had a dilemma, they had to many personnel. The Government thought long and hard about how to cull their ranks and came up with what they considered a fair plan. They offered a payment of $12,000 per foot measured from any two points of the body. The first officer to take up the offer picked the tip of his head to his big toe. Being 6 foot tall, the officer received $70,000. The second officer being only slighter smarter picked the distance between his index finger and his big toe. This measure 9 feet and the officer in kind received $108,000. The next member was a wise old non commissioned officer who chose the two points as being from the tip of his doodle to his testicles. The Navy representative looked at him and said, God god man, didn't you see the payout the two officers received? The petty officer said he did but he still wanted to be measured the way he chose. So the representative told him to "drop em" and then started to measure from the tip of his doodle. After a minute the Navy representative said, "God god, where are your testicles?"

To which the petty officer replied.....VIETMAN !!!!!!!

aussiefool
28-03-2006, 08:16 AM
To which the petty officer replied.....VIETMAN !!!!!!! .............

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D OMG ROFLOL well done loved it as an ex Navy man

aussiefool
28-03-2006, 10:48 AM
While watching the Cricket the other night my wife and I were discussing
life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smart b##ch.

wiseguy67
28-03-2006, 05:26 PM
sorry i can't get the link to the website to paste here....

Hoges
29-03-2006, 09:59 AM
sorry i can't get the link to the website to paste here....

Who, what link?

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

bo_sawyer
29-03-2006, 10:33 AM
there was once a kid called Johny who was born without anything bar his head (all he had was his head)

for 10 years he put up with being teased by the other kids and was mad that he couldnt ride a bike, go fishing etc...

so 1 day little Johny came and talked to his mum about how bad his life was, his mum replied "well johny tonight when you go 2 bed why dont you pray and ask God for a neck'? johny thought this was a great idea and went to bed that night and did exactly what his mum had suggested. Johny woke up the next morning so excited!!! HE HAD A NECK!!! he was so proud and knew that tonight he was going to ask for a back and arms...

bed time came and he prayed to god for a back and arms... next morning he woke up to a pair of arms and a back... WOW!!! this is so great!!! Tonight im going to pray for legs and ill be a normal little boy! YAY #:)

the 3rd night came and he asked god for legs... next morning woke up and he was a completely normal 10 year old boy... he was over the moon!!! so much so he jumped out of bed and got on his bicycle (something he had been wanting to do since he was a baby) as he made his way out of the drive way and into the street he got hit by a car and was killed instantly... #:o

moral of the story

<

<

<

<

<

QUIT WHILE YOUR A HEAD #;D ;D ;D ;D

2iar
30-03-2006, 08:31 AM
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up,he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get
some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked
under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that,
well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since
her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at
her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this
afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did
he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $ 500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

Lone_Wolf
30-03-2006, 08:35 AM
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied," You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degreesnorth latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman," How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and thefact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded," You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist," but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were even before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."

harry_h01
03-04-2006, 10:47 AM
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"

wiseguy67
03-04-2006, 10:58 AM
funny very funny ;D

BobbyJ123
03-04-2006, 02:22 PM
An email from a mate about kids and written tests.
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.



1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

ahjayem
03-04-2006, 07:23 PM
G'day All

Some more from the mouths of babes...

Children Write About the Sea

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an ####### on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My Mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)


Tight lines always

RJM

major-defect
03-04-2006, 08:57 PM
What a classic! Poor little Amy.

Wyoming
03-04-2006, 10:23 PM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he landed the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.


Don't ya just love lawyers?

2iar
04-04-2006, 08:40 AM
A Scotsman moves to Chicago and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run."

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN, RUN." The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

fish2eat
04-04-2006, 09:33 AM
Real Extracts from Complaint Letters to Landlords

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

fish2eat
04-04-2006, 09:37 AM
New Dog Cross Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, great dog for lawyers

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind...

fish2eat
04-04-2006, 09:42 AM
In Australia, Virgin airlines attendants try to lighten the mood with witty comments. In the USA where competition is really hot, these are some of the best:-
People in the airline industry aren't all serious...

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

charleville
04-04-2006, 10:30 AM
...or the other one...

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay in departure. The machine that we use to break the handles on your luggage has broken down and we have had to do it manually."

harry_h01
04-04-2006, 10:32 AM
A farmer is walking around his property and he sees a cow sitting on the tree.
Comes closer and asks: What are you doing on the tree?
Cow: I am eating plums.
Farmer: this is an apple tree, where are the plums?
Cow: In my pocket

HORTO
06-04-2006, 02:30 PM
this is my last year of uni in tas and every year about this time family and friends start to ask is it getting cold yet.

COLD IS RELATIVE

40 degrees- people in Darwin turn off the heat. Queenslanders begin to evacuate the state.

27 degrees-people in Darwin shiver uncontrollably, people in Tasmania sunbathe

20 degrees-Sydney people wear coats, gloves and wool hats, people in Tasmania go swimming

15 degrees- people in Tasmania throw on a T-shirt. Sydney people fly away to south pacific islands

10 degrees-Italian cars won't start. people in Tasmania drive with the windows down.

0 degrees- Distilled water freezes. Tasmanian water gets thicker.

5 degrees below 0- Melbourne landlords finally turn up the heat. people in Tasmania have a last B.B.Q before it gets cold

10 degrees below 0- people in Perth cease to exist. people in Canberra lick flag poles

20 degrees below 0- people in Tasmania throw on a life jacket.

40 degrees below 0- Darwin disintegrates people in Tasmania rent videos

60 degrees below 0- Mt Hotham freezes. Tasmanian girl guides begin selling biscuits door to door

80 degrees below 0- polar bears begin to evacuate the artic. penguins laeve Antarctica. Tasmania boy scouts postpone "winter survival" classes until it gets cold enough

90 degrees below 0- Ethyl alcohol freezes. people in Tasmania get frustrated when they can't thaw their beer

120 degrees below 0- Santa Claus abandons the north pole. people in Tasmania put a coat on

270 degrees below 0- microbial life starts to disappear. Tasmanian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

273 degrees below 0- All atomic life starts to disappear. people in Tasmania start saying "cold nuff for ya?"

HORTO
06-04-2006, 02:34 PM
one for all the bludging students

Memo to all Students

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the tpo of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who do not take their S.H.I.T. seriously will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.)

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)

Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teachings others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.)

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION. (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.). This course will emphasises on how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you.
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

Eagle
06-04-2006, 10:54 PM
Two chickens are standing on opposite sides of a road that has bumper to bumper trafic rushing by. One chicken sees that the other is upset and calls out "what's wrong?"
The chicken replies, "I want to get to the other side".
The first chicken looks at the other and says "you are on the other side"

Eagle

fish2eat
12-04-2006, 09:02 AM
WOMENS MEANINGS

What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them...

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sighs: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

Oh (as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

fish2eat
12-04-2006, 09:10 AM
Some reasons why the English language is hard to learn...

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

dasher
12-04-2006, 10:28 AM
A woman sitting at a restaurant in McKinney, Texas suddenly began to
cough while eating a giant country-fried steak.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and two cowboys at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asked one of the cowboys.
The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya
breathe?" asked the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue,
shook her head 'No.'

With that, the first cowboy walked over to her, lifted up the back of
her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and
down the woman's butt crack. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his Lone Star beer. His partner said in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

fish2eat
13-04-2006, 09:28 AM
GOLF CADDY COMMENTS

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

fish2eat
13-04-2006, 09:51 AM
what a way to go...... :D

harry_h01
13-04-2006, 02:53 PM
15 Worst Fortune Cookies

15. What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?

14. Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops.

13. Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.

12. It takes a tough man to make tender chicken from a cat.

11. This coupon good for a free 1-year subscription to Windows Sources magazine.

10. Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan.

9. Spouse mad at you. No get special "wonton pork" tonight.

8. Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's bodily fluids.

7. A wise man tips 20% to avoid severe tire damage.

6. An 87 year old hooker awaits you.

5. Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application.

4. Hope you enjoyed your dinner, Mr. Bond.

3. Wipe that drool off your chin. That waitress you're ogling is Mr. Woo's number one son.

2. Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.

1. Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup

fish2eat
18-04-2006, 09:42 AM
Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

fish2eat
18-04-2006, 10:14 AM
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

fish2eat
19-04-2006, 09:48 AM
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

fish2eat
19-04-2006, 10:22 AM
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Dignity
19-04-2006, 07:10 PM
Another to add to the Telemarketers list - works in our house. Tell them they will need to speak to the lady of the house where upon you yell loudly "Molly...." and hold the phone to the loudly barking dog.


sam

major-defect
20-04-2006, 01:04 AM
With those foreign telemarketers I pretend I can't understand them no matter how well they speak English.The blokes start going of the brain in no time I was having a ball and would look forward to them ringing.Then they stopped calling altogether don't get any now.

SIRO
21-04-2006, 07:20 PM
FOUND IT !!!!!!!!!!!!

2iar
22-04-2006, 02:31 PM
Maria was a devout Catholic. She got married and had 17 children. Soon
after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another
22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At last, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you
mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

redspeckle
22-04-2006, 07:12 PM
Will I live to be 90
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
"fairly
well for my age".
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
asking
him,
Do you think I'll live to be 90?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no, "I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing,
hunting, or fishing?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why give a shit if you live to
be
90?"
Mitch
C'MON THE COWBOYS in 2006

fish2eat
24-04-2006, 12:01 PM
Great as humor, bad as ads...

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

bidkev
25-04-2006, 06:46 PM
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section & Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fek dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fek'n dangerous for me!"

THERE’S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
eeder!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head "Fek dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.. and now Sean and his fek 'n hengliding!"

fish2eat
26-04-2006, 01:03 PM
NOW and THEN

THEN: Long Hair
NOW: Longing for hair.

THEN: The perfect high.
NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

THEN: Keg.
NOW: EKG.

THEN: Acid Rock.
NOW: Acid Reflux.

THEN: You're growing pot.
NOW: Your growing pot.

THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

THEN: Seeds and stems.
NOW: Roughage.

THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.
NOW: Popping joints.

THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

THEN: Killer weed.
NOW: Weed killer.

THEN: The Grateful Dead.
NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.

THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint.

THEN: Rolling Stones.
NOW: Kidney stones.

THEN: Being called into the principal's office.
NOW: Calling the principal's office.

THEN: Screw the system!
NOW: Upgrade the system.

THEN: Peace sign.
NOW: Mercedes logo.

THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

THEN: Take acid.
NOW: Take antacid.

THEN: Passing the driver's test.
NOW: Passing the vision test.

fish2eat
26-04-2006, 01:11 PM
GUIDE TO TRANSLATING "PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTS

Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.

High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.

Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.

Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.

Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.

Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.

Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.

Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.

Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.

Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.

Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.

Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.

Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.

Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.

Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.

Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.

Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.

Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.

Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.

Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.

Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.

Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.

Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.

Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.

Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.

fish2eat
27-04-2006, 10:23 AM
ANIMAL THOUGHTS

After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible...

Dog "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"

Cat "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge."

Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

Cat "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."

Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it."

Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Iguana "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these ####ing annoying wood chips.

Dog "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my shit! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

Gerbil "OH NO, not again!"

Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again."

harry_h01
28-04-2006, 10:40 AM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your Duck 'Cuddles' has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black
Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
head.

The vet patted the dog and t ook it out, and returned a few moments later
with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird
from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00

firefish
28-04-2006, 12:47 PM
A bloke sneeks down the river bank to check his illegally placed drum nets. Just as he is pulling the last one in he hears a voice above on the bank,
" What do you think you're doing?"
The bloke looks up and asks
"Who are You????"
"DPI Officer" came the reply
"Thank god for that" answerd the bloke "Thought you might have been the bloke that owns these nets!?!?!?!"

uripper
01-05-2006, 08:05 PM
bump - keep'im coming please fellas - this is a great place to come for a much needed laugh

.... the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ... thats a nice one

mat_anderson04
02-05-2006, 04:07 PM
;D

Cruiser
03-05-2006, 07:13 AM
Organs of the body....

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The arsehole is usually in charge !

fish2eat
03-05-2006, 11:47 AM
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

fish2eat
03-05-2006, 11:50 AM
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

fish2eat
03-05-2006, 11:55 AM
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

subzero
03-05-2006, 03:40 PM
"Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time..."

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay-check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those #######s at Mitre 10 ever deliver the bloody supplies..."

tuppence
03-05-2006, 11:06 PM
a mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life.
and the first one gets married...
the second day a letter arrives with a single message... simply
"'maxwell house coffee!" mother got confused and finally noticed a maxwell house ad "satisfaction to the last drop.." so mum was happy.
then the second daughter got married, only after a weekthere was a message that reads "rothmans". so the mother looks at the rothmans AD
and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE'. and mums happy again.
then it was the thirds daughters wedding,mum was anxious. finally, after 4 weeks came the message,' BRITISH AIRWAYS''. mum looks into the BA ad, but fainted, TWO TIMES A DAY,FOUR TIMES A WEEK,BOTH WAYS.""

charleville
03-05-2006, 11:51 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbY0Jh9_RJ8

I have played this several times to see if it was phony but the reaction of the pedestrians crossing the road suggests that it may be real.

teach
04-05-2006, 12:33 AM
THE MIDDLE WIFE

By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's
stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! '" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming
water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot
of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

teach
04-05-2006, 12:34 AM
CUSTOMER CREDIT CARD SERVICE

A lady died last January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to ANZ.

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit
bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ANZ: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

(Supervisor gets on the phone):

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ANZ: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

ANZ: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't
think she will care."
ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
ANZ: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 69."
ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Dignity
04-05-2006, 06:25 PM
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."



After Jesus left, the union worker thinking he was as close to God as Jesus decided he could also walk on water, so he hops over the side and promptly goes in over his head. As he comes up spluttering the second man who had his eyes fixed pointedly said " The sand bank is on the other side of the boat".

Black_Rat
05-05-2006, 08:56 AM
What does a Hindu....................
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Lays eggs bro ! ;D

Dignity
05-05-2006, 09:42 PM
What does a Hindu....................
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Lays eggs bro ! #;D

only if you were a kiwi (now wher was that kiwi smilie I had???)

dasher
06-05-2006, 11:05 AM
50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. "Ken I hev a volunteer." Please??..
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?" After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then all 50,000 Kiwis Start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."
So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!" Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened. Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?" Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" ;) ;D

dasher
06-05-2006, 11:08 AM
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the
Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
English visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says,
"No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist?
What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?" "No, a
taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us."
::) ;D ;D

Wyoming
06-05-2006, 08:10 PM
...OK, so how do I clean this one up......

Guy goes into his regular bar and says "give me a beer, it's the last one I will ever have in this bar."

"How come" says the barman, "you've been drinking here evry night for the last 10 years"

Guy says " At that new bar up the road, you only have to buy the first beer, then all the rest are free, then you get driven home when you are legless and with any luck, you'll get gratuitous intercourse..."

"Really" says the barman "who told you that?"

Wait for it..

Guy says "My sister...."

boom boom

dasher
06-05-2006, 10:45 PM
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again > gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."


As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.

It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week !

agnes_jack
07-05-2006, 08:15 AM
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in dispair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked why so glum?
the guy responded "why do you think, I'm in hell"
"hells not so bad "the demon said "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man"
"sure" the man said"I love to drink"
"well your gunna love Mondays. On mondays all we do is drink. Whisky, tequila, guinness, rum we drink till we throw up and then drink some more!!
The guy is astounded "Damn, that sounds great!"
"you a smoker" asked the demon
"you better beleive it"
"your gunna love tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out!!. If you get cancer, no biggy, your already dead, remember"
"wow" the guy said "Thats awsome"
The demon continued "I bet you like to gamble"
" Why yes, as a matter of fact I do"
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want, Craps, blackjack, roulette,poker, slots Whatever you want. If you go bankrupt, who cares your dead!!"
"You into drugs?"
" are you kidding" the guy said "I love drugs!! you dont mean?.....?"
"Thats right, Thursday is drugs day! help yourself to a big bowl of coke or whizz! smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, your dead, who cares!!!!"
"WOW" the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation. "I never realized hell was such a cool place"
The demon said "You gay?"
"NO"
"oooooh!! your gunna hate Fridays!!

Canoedle
07-05-2006, 04:49 PM
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He
did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration
as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was
still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the
face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit
her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she
was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding
cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front
of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the
'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

kingcobe
08-05-2006, 07:24 PM
So there is this shopkeeper who when ever he says somethingo many times it gets stuck in his head and he repeats it.

This guy walks into the store and syis
Guy #1: How much are these pencils
shopkeeper: 20 cents
Guy #1: what brand are they
shopkeeper: only the best
Guy #1:alright I'll come back later and get some
shopkeeper: better do it before anyone else does

Another guy walks in and says
Guy #2:How much are these pencils
shopkeeper:20 cents
Guy #2:what brand are they
shopkeeper:only the best
Guy #2:alright I'll come in and get some later
shopkeper:better do it before someone else does

This happens twice more times. A fifth guy walks in and says
Guy #5:whats the time
shopkeeper:20 cents
Guy #5:who do you think you are
shopkeeper: only the best
Guy #5:do you want me to punch you in the face
shopkeeper:better do it before anyone else does

And obviously the guy punches him in the face

fish2eat
09-05-2006, 10:00 AM
Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

SIRO
09-05-2006, 06:48 PM
A man with a 25 inch long ##### goes to his doctor to complain
that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had
more than one complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there anything
you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.
But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you. So the doctor
gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch
and relays his story.

"Witch, my ##### is 25 inches long and I need help. Can
anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then
replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this
pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic
power. You say to the frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no,
your ##### will lose five inches."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He found the frog and called out to it, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his ##### was 5 inches
shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out, "this is great! But it's still too long
at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again.
Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its
eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his #####, looked down, it was
another 5 inches shorter.
The man laughed, "This is fantastic."
He looked down at his ##### again, 15 inches long and reflected
for a moment.
Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be
ideal.
He looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog! will you marry
me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, and
said, "how many times do I have to tell you?"

"NO,NO,NO! ! !"

Dignity
09-05-2006, 07:21 PM
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE :

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service ."
This is not what I thought "service" ! meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service " a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am

NeilD
09-05-2006, 08:17 PM
Dignity ;D ;D ;D

That has put a whole new light on service industries :o :o :o

MulletMan
10-05-2006, 10:10 AM
This is the way I want to be remembered!

MulletMan
10-05-2006, 10:12 AM
This is the way I want to be remembered!

harry_h01
10-05-2006, 11:14 AM
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant

Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."


"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."


The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.


Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."


"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!

I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.


Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"


The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

fish2eat
10-05-2006, 11:24 AM
Get a glimpse into life far into the future, in the year 2056...

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2057.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped!

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine

gogecko
10-05-2006, 12:12 PM
Whats the difference between cinderella and a kiwi football player?

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At least cinderella got to the ball!

vossy
11-05-2006, 09:24 AM
These jokes are the sort of thing that gets me started in the day
keep it up folks

dasher
11-05-2006, 09:30 PM
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a
lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.


I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you
must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.


On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you
must be on the 13th hole."


Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round
and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of
the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said
that she was a sales lady and played the course often.


He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales
also. What do you sell?"


"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.


"No, I won't." he replied.


"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."


With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.


"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"


"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
Hemorrhoid Cream, so I'm still a hole behind you."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Dignity
12-05-2006, 06:35 PM
American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may

benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know!!

young_mind
12-05-2006, 10:24 PM
TRUE HAPPEN , One time ME and mate went fishing at Magnetic Island on tinnie. Throw some handlines to get some mackeral we had 4 handline on floor of tinnie keep eye on roll go flink fast as mackeral grab the bait .
Anyway what happen is all set up and enjoyed catching mackeral a while later I was about to have a big pass a wind the boat goes viberator as we feel not see or hear it as we are deaf so my mate were frighten and try to find out which line has pass he grab all his 2 handline but nothing happen and look at me < I was so laughter the way he check out as fast as he feel .
He was so #>:( but I was #;D ;D ;D

fastmantis
13-05-2006, 05:57 PM
How do u spot a blind man at a nudist beach
.
.
.
.
.
Its not up

fastmantis
13-05-2006, 06:08 PM
Three men an Irish, American and a Pom r sentenced to death there r three ways they can go leathel injection, gas chamber and a needle full of aids.
Each way of dying can only be chosen once so they draw straws to see who will get what.
The american gets first choice and says i wanna go easy i'll take the leathel injection so he gets it and dies.
The pom gets next choice he says i don't want a drawn out death i'll have the gas chamber he gets it and dies.
The man says with a grin on his face i guess i'll be having the needle full of aids then so he gets it and starts laughing his irish butt off and the warden says why r u laughing your gonna die u just got injected with a needle full of aids and the irish man replies with its ok i'm wearing a condom!!!!!

fastmantis
13-05-2006, 06:11 PM
A blonde and her boyfriend r at home doing a home pregnancy test the blue line comes up and they know its postive. the blonde looks up at her boyfriend and asks is it mine!!!!!

HBK
14-05-2006, 06:14 PM
Q. what's brown and sticky....
A. a stick ;D

Dignity
15-05-2006, 06:12 PM
People spend a lot of time thinking up their children's names. It's just a pity they don't always think as hard about their domain names.

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com


Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net


Need a therapist? Try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com


Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com


And there is an Italian Power company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com

Splitpin
15-05-2006, 08:15 PM
Gidday Nugget
I must be thick or something
I dont get it ???????? :-/ :-/ :-/ :-/ :-/

PADDLES
16-05-2006, 01:40 PM
there was this black fella and he just couldn't stop jogging everywhere, he'd never walk he'd always canter along. even when he was trying to sleep his legs would be moving up and down like he was jogging. eventually he got sick of it all and decided to visit a doctor to see whether he could get something done about it. he explained his situation to the doctor and all the while his legs were wiggling around like he was jogging down the street, they just wouldn't stop. the doctor gets some white powder out of a box and starts to cut up a few lines on the table with a razor blade. the black fella starts stammering "nah ........ no way doc, i don't do drugs alright" and the doc urges him to give it a go anyway. eventually the black fella snorts up one of the lines and his left leg stops jiggling, he is stunned and quickly snorts up another line of powder. his right leg stops moving too. astonished hehits the doctor up to find out what the miracle medicine is ........................ "it's omo-matic, it stops the colours running" replies the doc.

Cruiser
16-05-2006, 02:58 PM
A bit of Aussie culcha - Outback microsoft lessons...


LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Cairns mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

fish2eat
17-05-2006, 12:51 PM
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless
you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow,
this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works for Telstra on their Help Line at a call center for phone problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I have on several occasions.

PADDLES
19-05-2006, 08:43 AM
a fella goes to see his dentist with a sore tooth, the dentist offers him some gas for the pain.

"nope .............. gas will make my throat swell up, i'm allergic to it" he says.

next the dentist offers an injection for the pain, "nah ............ i'll break out in hives everywhere i'm allergic to that as well"

at this point the dentist gets a couple of little blue tablets out of the drawer and offers them to the bloke.

"no, i'm sorry mate i can't take any pain killers whatsoever" the fella says.

"i know that mate, they're viagra ......... at least they'll give ya something to hang onto when i pull that tooth out"

Steve_Monckton
19-05-2006, 09:05 AM
A man goes to the doctors surgery and has a 9 iron golf club stuck firmly in his rectum. The doctor examines the man and exclaims that this was the first time he had ever seen anything like this and asked how it got there. The man replied, my wife and I went out for a round of golf and she sliced the ball off into a paddock full of cattle next to the golf course. We had a good look around and could not find the ball anywhere. Out of desperation I lifted up the tail of one of the cows and behold here was her golf ball, stuck in the cows arse. I called out to my wife and said, "hey honey, this looks like yours!!

fish2eat
19-05-2006, 03:40 PM
why is a woman so much like a condom?????

they both spend ages in your wallet and a very short time on your willy

harry_h01
22-05-2006, 01:41 PM
The fairy

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

dasher
22-05-2006, 05:50 PM
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"



St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."



"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"



St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."



"So where's John Howard's clock?" asked the man.



"Howard's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

reelgone
23-05-2006, 02:27 PM
If this One Offends Please let me know and I'll remove it.


After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should
have some cosmetic surgery "down below"
to restore herself to her former youthful glory
because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low
and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had
taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being
the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it
looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed
kebab.


Following the operation she awoke from her
anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.


"Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're
very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."


"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the
operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he
wanted to say thanks".


"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.


"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was
such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll
be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very
excited!".


"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?".


"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

SteveCan
27-05-2006, 01:36 PM
Hey Guys - long time no post. Got a tailor and a shark out at Palmy this morning (creature of habit after all) I was browsing by and had to add this one...

It is just before the England v Brazil football match.

Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we just can't be bothered". Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)". He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it; he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft! You got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have! I've let you down...........I got sent off after 12 minutes"

redspeckle
28-05-2006, 07:56 AM
Get yourself an Aussie Wife!!

Duties of Wives!!!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the on third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn"t see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

Mitch

redspeckle
28-05-2006, 08:04 AM
The story of Sheep

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two sheep.
* You sell one and buy a ram.
* Your flock multiplies, and the economy grows.
* You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: (Workchoices!)
* You have two sheep.
* You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.
* You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You go on strike because you want three sheep.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep
and produce 20 times the wool.
* You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and
market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
shear themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* Both die from foot and mouth.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You count them and learn you have five sheep.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.
* You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
* You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You have 300 people shearing them.
* You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman
Who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* That one on the left is kinda cute...

Mitch

Dignity
28-05-2006, 03:25 PM
Sunday Morning Nookie

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year oldgrandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having nookie would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous, Innnn on the Ding, Outtttt on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Gbanger
29-05-2006, 12:16 AM
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb..?






2, but i still have no idea how they get in there...

fish2eat
30-05-2006, 10:56 AM
25 Interesting Things That You Learn About Computers in The Movies...

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

Dignity
30-05-2006, 06:22 PM
Submitted by actual doctors...


1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
-Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
-Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
-Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
-Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of Complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband wasalive."
-Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
-Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
-Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
-Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Dignity
30-05-2006, 07:14 PM
Priest retirement speech

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.


"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.


But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."


Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.


"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."


Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

Archer
31-05-2006, 09:58 AM
http://www.cane-toad.com/movie.php ;D

Dignity
31-05-2006, 08:36 PM
And so they shall be:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Corkers the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Corkers, look what I've
made," said God.

Archangel Corkers looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"Its a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Corkers, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, "For
example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will
be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of
land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah", said God. "That's called Queensland , the most glorious place on
Earth.

There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the worlds
finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers and explorers.

The people from QLD are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and
they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely
sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Corkers gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the idiots I'm putting down
there in NSW."

Punkin
01-06-2006, 05:35 AM
Great joke, only trouble is, it don't make sense when you turn it round that way....

Intelligent, modest artists and musicians that travel the world etcetc?

So obvious it goes round the NSW way :o

PADDLES
01-06-2006, 10:08 AM
2 guys are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they collide.

The first guy says to the second guy "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, & I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second guy says "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first guy says "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The second guy says "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts, & is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look like?"

The first guy says "Doesn't matter… let's look for yours."

redspeckle
01-06-2006, 07:31 PM
A Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his

wife,

"Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire

station."

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings -we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip

naked.

When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.

When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife

stripped naked!

"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!

"Bell Three" and they started to make love!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four !!!!"

"WOMON . What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.

She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de

fire.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Mitch

Dignity
02-06-2006, 07:18 PM
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

How does it work?"

I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

"For *****sake you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"



************************************************** *********
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said,

"Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,

but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard.

And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

charleville
03-06-2006, 10:12 PM
These are not all humorous but they will keep you occupied for hours...

http://www.micom.net/oops/

redspeckle
04-06-2006, 07:57 PM
After long months of cold & winter, we are finally coming up to
summer & BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh ones memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of
danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events
are put into motion:
Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, & makes
dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils & sauces & takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates & cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her & asks if she will bring another beer while he deals
with the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL & HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces & brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table & does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN & THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women....

Mitch

onerabbit
04-06-2006, 11:35 PM
farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for
> >his
> >chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and
> >says,
> >
> >"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
> >
> >The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
> >these
> >chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
> >the
> >two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it:
> >You
> >are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell
> >you
> >what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins
> >gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young
> >rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,
> >just to
> >be fair, I will give you a head start."
> >
> >The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
> >rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of
> >the
> >farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
> >
> >He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
> >farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
> >when
> >he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
> >he
> >blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
> >and
> >says,
> >"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
> >
> >Moral of this story? ...
> >
> >Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always
> >overcome youth and arrogance!
>
>
>
>
>
> >

Dignity
05-06-2006, 06:19 PM
THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM
Australians all let us rejoice

The weekend now is near

We've worked all bloody week for this

Dear God let's get a beer.

Our desks abound in paperwork

Our hands are stained with ink

In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage

Advance to Friday drinks!!

With joyful strains, destroy our brains

Advance to Friday drinks

Feral
05-06-2006, 06:58 PM
Pity we'll all be on AWA's and wont have weekends anymore.

tinfish
05-06-2006, 07:54 PM
a bloke walks into the kitchen with a parrot on his shoulder & says
this is the pig i've been rueting lately
wife says, thats not a pig its a parrot
bloke says
i was talking to the parrot !!!!

redspeckle
06-06-2006, 05:47 PM
An elderly couple were attending a church service.

About halfway through the wife leans over to her husband and says, " I just did a silent
fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Mitch

wayne_cook
07-06-2006, 06:33 PM
Just got emailed this joke I thought it was good


The QUEENSLAND COP





Two men are driving through Toowoomba when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop, Senior Constable Terry Brighton, walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.


"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Queensland mate" Senior Constable Terry Brighton answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your licence ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".

The copper runs a check on the guy's licence--he's clean--and gives the guy his licence back. The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger whines.

"Just making your wish come true," replies Senior Constable Terry Brighton.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger groans.

"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that arsehole would’ve tried that shit with me!"

fish2eat
08-06-2006, 09:44 AM
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

redspeckle
08-06-2006, 05:52 PM
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,
"Well, that's great..........that's really great..........
Some #######'s got my pen.

Mitch

redspeckle
08-06-2006, 06:08 PM
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried n for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binocular to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn'the just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Does the "Alphabet song", "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star",and "Bah, Bah
Black Sheep, all have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the three songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you,but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Mitch

Fishin_Dan
09-06-2006, 04:42 PM
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

2iar
12-06-2006, 01:41 PM
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Next!

Dignity
13-06-2006, 07:27 PM
Now you know where to look


A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.
The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Dignity
13-06-2006, 07:31 PM
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in maths. His parents tried everything... Tutors, flash cards, special learning centres...
In short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's grades just wasn't working.
As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic School.
After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started studying. Books and paper were soon spread out all over the
>room. With Tommy hard at work, his mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as before. This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was making the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit the books again. With great curiosity, Tommy's mum opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math! She had to know why the Catholic School had made such a difference, so she went to Tommy's room.
So, what was it? Was it the nuns?", she asked.
Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head, "No". Was it the books... The discipline, the structure, the uniforms?"
Little Tommy again shook his head, No". Then what was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and finally answered, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't @#$^*&! around".

Figjamm
14-06-2006, 03:33 PM
Never Argue with a Woman!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. ;)

Fishin_Dan
15-06-2006, 09:51 AM
:P

Dignity
15-06-2006, 07:56 PM
left clicker down to go up...release to go down...MOST DIFFICULT
Some people have worn their finger out on this. If you are working for a living, do not forward to your co-workers..
The rest of the day will be useless to the company..
Think you can fly a helicopter? Click on the link below and give it a whirl!
Guaranteed to drive you crazy!!!!!!!!!

http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

akman1
16-06-2006, 07:23 PM
Q:Why did Peter Holmes a Court go down to the shops and buy a couple of cartons of cigarette lighters ?
A:Cause his Souths' players kept loosing all their matches!!

ok ;)thats pretty lame

Rogues
18-06-2006, 03:23 PM
The Bird Of Your Dreams.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their order, the man orders, “ a hamburger, fries and a coke”, and turns to the ostrich……”what’s yours?” “I’ll have the same replies the ostrich.
Returning with the meals the waitress says,” that’ll be $9.50 please”…
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, same thing, and for the following week the man and ostrich frequent and order the same meal…and each time the man produced the exact amount
For the bill.
Considering it routine, the waitress welcomes them the following week with
“the usual?”…
“No, this time it’s a treat, so I’ll have steak, baked potatoes and salad” says the man.
“Yep, the same”, says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “that will be $32.62 thankyou”
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the counter…………
The waitress cannot hold back her curiousity any longer, :-?
“Excuse me sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time???”
“Well”, says the man, “several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes…………..
My first wish was that if ever I had to pay for something, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant”, says the waitress, “most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right,” says the man, “ whether it’s a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there!”
The waitress had to ask, “ But sir, whats with the ostrich….??”
The man sighs, pauses and sheepishly replies………………………… :-[
…………..
……………
………….
………….
…………“My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long, long legs who would agree with everything I said…..”

seabug
21-06-2006, 07:20 PM
A chap is walking through the shopping centre and comes across and old man sitting on a bench ,crying uncontrollably. #:'( :'(

"Hey what's wrong ",he says. :-?

"Well,it's like this,"says the old man
"Four years ago I married this beautiful 25yo woman.
Easy going
Perfect figure
Fabulous cook
Absolutely fantastic in bed",he says with a sob.

"Well why are you crying,"says the chap.

The old man replied
"I cannot remember where I live" :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

thesimmos
21-06-2006, 07:32 PM
In the spirit of the World Cup

it is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)".

He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Beckham 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be silly, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"


"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."

bonka
22-06-2006, 05:00 PM
Elton John had a big rowe with his new "wife" He found out that he was having sex behind his back!

bonka
22-06-2006, 05:03 PM
Elton John had a big rowe with his new "wife" He found out that he was having sex behind his back!

Dignity
22-06-2006, 07:05 PM
Women drivers

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (and this coming from a bloke...) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn
BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!

Dignity
22-06-2006, 07:06 PM
SEABUG, my version

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."



My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on cheap sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

seabug
22-06-2006, 07:12 PM
Hi Dignity,
If there was a prize I reckon your version would win. ;D ;D ;D ;D

Regards
Seabug

Dignity
22-06-2006, 07:21 PM
seabug, mentioned it jockingly to the old girl once, that basically was her resonse

gunnabuild1
24-06-2006, 10:47 PM
What's worse than a chauvinistic pig?

A woman that wont do what she's told!

SIRO
25-06-2006, 06:14 PM
On a tour of the North East of Australia, the Queen took a couple of days off
to visit the coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when
there was an enormous commotion.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a NSW jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Maroon tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out
and pulled the NSW fan from the water and, using long clubs, beat the
shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the
beach.
On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of the Queensland and NSW hated each other. But now I've see this it's a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."
She knighted them and drove off.
As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows f**k all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up, Or do we need to get another one?"

Just Keeps Getting Better!!!

GO The MAROONS!!!!

Dignity
26-06-2006, 05:05 PM
IF football clubs were women

Adelaide would be Delta Goodrem - tidy, attractive, professional and uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want to yawn.

Brisbane would be Elle MacPherson - past her glorious best but still easy on the eye and an old favourite with most.

Carlton would be Whitney Houston - has not looked after herself in recent years and has gone completely off the rails.

Collingwood would be Amelie Mauresmo - last woman on Earth scenario: you still wouldn't.

Essendon would be Katie Holmes - has a certifiable psycho in charge of her every move. Has lost credibility in recent times.

Fremantle would be Danii Minogue - Always trying hard to be as good as her big sister, but will never measure up. The butt of everyone's jokes.

Geelong would be Britney Spears - at times can look stunning, at others it can get ugly.

Hawthorn would be Christina Aguilera - looks like she enjoys it rough and dirty.

Kangaroos would be Paris Hilton - lays down way too easily.

Melbourne would be Princess Di - may be a blue blood, but hasn't done anything for a while.

Port Power would be Madonna - also past her glorious best, but refuses to accept it gracefully.

Richmond would be Annabel Chong - can cop a pounding and keep coming back for more, all in the name of self-improvement.

St Kilda would be Krystal from Big Brother - has the biggest and best assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.

Sydney would be J-Lo - Quality all over, but especially good down back.

West Coast would be Kylie Minogue - very decent despite not having much up front.

Western Bulldogs would be Shakira - proof that being short is no barrier to getting you excited. Will only get better too.

redspeckle
28-06-2006, 05:03 AM
A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat
in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f**cked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold
digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney."

Mitch

redspeckle
28-06-2006, 05:20 AM
LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS


A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked d to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea, you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an ####### on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my Willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)
Mitch

borisdog
28-06-2006, 07:11 AM
Love the first one Redspeckle.

Found this one on another Fishing website.

A fellow walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper." His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor little fella might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vice."

mowerman
30-06-2006, 08:01 PM
Gotta love the logic

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.

In other words we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer (or wine, rum, whiskey etc) because alcohol has to got thru a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER=POO

BEER=HEALTH

Free yourself of Poo, drink Beer..Its better to drink beer and talk s**t than to drink water and be full of s**t.

This has been a public service announcement.
Have a nice day.

aussiefool
01-07-2006, 06:58 AM
"Who's On First" -- new version






George : Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George : Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .

George : That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George : That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George : I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George : The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George : Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George : Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George : That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George : Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George : Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George : No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George : No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George : No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George : Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George : Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George : Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George : All right! With cream and two sugars.

aussiefool
01-07-2006, 06:59 AM
oh my god....somewhat terrifying....you thought jaws was scarey!!!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7004909622962894202

gunnabuild1
01-07-2006, 10:12 PM
Wow learn something new everyday.Great video bloody big octopus.

Gummtree
02-07-2006, 10:45 AM
Just when you thought it was safe to go swimmingon top of the reef. S*&T

Dignity
04-07-2006, 06:48 PM
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know
what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.



The devil opened the first room. In it was John Howard and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."


The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.


The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this.

" The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"

Hot_Snappa
05-07-2006, 11:38 AM
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is
reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is
already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the
good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we
go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in
stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

Sea-Dog
05-07-2006, 07:56 PM
;D

Cruiser
06-07-2006, 08:22 AM
A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.

The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbar at the front of my Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out".

The manager says, "OK, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bullbar. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

"You there Boss?"

onerabbit
06-07-2006, 04:16 PM
On a tour of the North East of Australia, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a NSW jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Qld tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the NSW fan from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.

On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of Queensland and NSW hated each other. But now I've see this it's a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."

She knighted them and drove off.

As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!"

That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows f*** all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up, Or do we need to get another one?"


Bugger that i live in NSW

Muzz

Dignity
06-07-2006, 07:59 PM
hey Muzz - wasn't didn't I read this in the previous page or so [smiley=smash.gif]

harry_h01
07-07-2006, 07:12 AM
-

harry_h01
07-07-2006, 07:13 AM
-

harry_h01
07-07-2006, 07:13 AM
-

harry_h01
07-07-2006, 07:14 AM
-

Hoges
07-07-2006, 09:20 AM
Actual washing instructions on a Greek garment....

aussiefool
07-07-2006, 02:03 PM
oopps sorry didn't work :'(

timmyyoungsta
08-07-2006, 10:45 AM
this is my grandpas best joke

Q: Where do you find the most fish?
A: Between the head and the tail

redspeckle
08-07-2006, 05:23 PM
This is why we have oil shortage

This Should Explain It All...

A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in

Moomba

Gidgealpa

Mirrimelia

Bass Strait

Penola

Joseph Bonaparte Gulf and North West Shelf

Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in Canberra

AnyQuestions

Mitch

Scott_Thunder
09-07-2006, 09:43 AM
Edited - Members are asked to keep jokes G-Rated

fish2eat
11-07-2006, 08:53 AM
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

fish2eat
11-07-2006, 08:56 AM
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand... The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

aussiefool
11-07-2006, 08:58 AM
.Kermit

fish2eat
11-07-2006, 08:58 AM
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
2. 7 have been arrested for fraud
3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
5. 3 have done time for assault
6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
7. 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the American citizens in line.

aussiefool
11-07-2006, 08:59 AM
Scale

aussiefool
11-07-2006, 09:00 AM
Family Tree

aussiefool
11-07-2006, 09:01 AM
Lazy Dog

fish2eat
11-07-2006, 09:11 AM
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)

fish2eat
11-07-2006, 09:41 AM
In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

fish2eat
11-07-2006, 09:43 AM
Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms"