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szopen
21-10-2005, 01:19 PM
A man comes to the doctor:

- Doc, something is wrong with me, it's the fourth day in a row when I don't feel like working. What could this be?

Doc:
- Thursday?

Hoges
22-10-2005, 11:16 AM
;) Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second bloke:
"That's nothing; I had to promise my wife I will build a new pool deck.\

Third bloke:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise to remodel the kitchen."

They continue fishing then realise the fourth bloke has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said what you had to do to come fishing. What's the deal?"

Fourth bloke:
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. It went off, I shut it off, gave
the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?"
She said, "Wear sun-block."

;D

adriancorrea
26-10-2005, 12:15 AM
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

Black_Rat
27-10-2005, 07:58 AM
She was Soooooooo Blonde ..
# #* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
# #* She thought General Motors was in the army.
# #* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
# #* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
# #* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she # #wrote "Sagittarius."

# #She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
# #* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
# #* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
# #* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On # Phonics."

# #She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
# #* She tripped over a cordless phone.
# #* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
# #* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
# #* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

# #She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
# #* She studied for a blood test.
# #* She sold the car for gas money.
# #* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
# #* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

# #She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
# #* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
# #* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
# #* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
# #* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

# #AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

# #She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

# #She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company..

adriancorrea
30-10-2005, 01:48 AM
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign , the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries . Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart
and asked sweetly ,

"So which six items would you like to buy ? "

____________________________________


Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait
for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old, " the husband said. " We may not have 45 minutes . "
They were seated immediately .

____________________________________


The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed ! ! !

____________________________________


All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the
bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand . The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly . As her father gave
her away in marriage , the bride gave him back his credit card .

____________________________________


Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket , and friends and congregation members are mourning over you , what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband , a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man .

Eugene commented : " I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives . "

Don said:"I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving! ! ! "

____________________________________


Smith climbs to the top of Mt Sinai to get close enough to talk to God . Looking up, he asks the Lord what does a million years mean to you? "The Lord replies, "A minute "Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you ? "The Lord replies , " A penny . "Smith asks , " Can I have a penny? The Lord replies , " In a minute . "

____________________________________


A man goes to a shrink and says , " Doctor , my beautiful wife is unfaithful to me . Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men . In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her ! I'm going crazy !
What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where is Larry's bar ? "

____________________________


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse " he has been living with for the last 40 years . The Wizard says " Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you .
"The old man says without hesitation , " I now pronounce
you man and wife."

NormC
01-11-2005, 03:06 PM
Before Computers (BC)

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A programme was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on a difficult road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3½ inch floppy
... you just hoped nobody ever found out!

NormC
01-11-2005, 03:08 PM
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

NormC
01-11-2005, 03:09 PM
Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Black_Rat
02-11-2005, 11:44 AM
A Melbourne solicitor went duck hunting in rural Queensland. #He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into an adjoining paddock. #As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up in an old truck and asked him what he was doing. #The solicitor responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this paddock and now I am going to retrieve it. #The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."



The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we do things in Queensland. #We settle small disagreements like this with the Queensland Three Kick Rule."



The lawyer asked, "What is the Queensland Three Kick Rule?" #The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you 3 times and then you kick me 3 times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." #The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old bloke. #He agreed to abide by the local custom.



The old farmer climbed down from his truck and walked up to the city fellow. #His first kick planted the toe of his R.M.Williams into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. #His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. #The lawyer was flat on his stomach when the farmer's punishing third kick to the kidney's nearly caused him to surrender.



The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to drag himself to his feet and said, "Okay, you old bastard, now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

teach
02-11-2005, 11:02 PM
A policeman, who's a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor traffic infringement and berates the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the man up.

As he's writing, he begins to swat at flies circling his head.

`The circle flies botherin' you, are they?' asks the farmer.

Why do you call `em circle flies, old man?'

`We call `em that on the farm `cause we find `em flying around and around the horses' behinds,' says the farmer.

`Are you calling me a horse's arse?' snarls the cop.

`Oh, saints, no, I wouldn't think of such a thing' replies the farmer.

The cop goes back to writing.

`Kinda hard to fool the flies, though" the farmer adds.

teach
02-11-2005, 11:05 PM
Sorry, could not help myself and here is another one.........

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Just as things are starting to heat up the wife stops and says, `I don't feel like it tonight. I just want you to hold me."
`What?' says the husband.
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. Realising that nothing is going to happen tonight he rolls over and goes to sleep.

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walk through the entire store loading his wife up with goodies. Her arms are full of expensive clothes, jewellery, shoes and make-up. The wife is so excited; she can barely walk to the cash register as she is carrying so many things.

But her husband stops her. `No, no, no, honey we're not goin; to buy all this stuff!'
The wife looks confused.
`No honey - I just want you to hold this stuff for a while"
The wife's face starts to turn red as her husband says `You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!'

harry_h01
03-11-2005, 03:43 PM
What religion is a bra?


A man walked into the ladies department of Myers and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the salesgirl.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the salesgirl, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The salesgirl replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The salesgirl responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

harry_h01
03-11-2005, 03:44 PM
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

harry_h01
04-11-2005, 11:29 AM
GAMES FOR WHEN YOU ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc, Doc, Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of pills.

10. Musical recliners.

Hoges
05-11-2005, 09:10 AM
ROFL
;D

Hoges
05-11-2005, 09:12 AM
lol
::)

sackrash
05-11-2005, 09:51 AM
The famous Big Nick the song writer died the other week, you know the guy he wrote the hoky poky.
Any way there was a bloody great fight at his funeral, apparently all the trouble started when they put his left leg in.

Hoges
05-11-2005, 10:14 AM
Software for blondes
:-?

maztez
05-11-2005, 09:14 PM
a little boy and a little girl were having a swim in a fish pond when the little boy says to the little girl Look out Im gunna duck ya with that the little girl responds Ya gunna duck me no way ya cant even say it right ::) ;D ::) ;D

bidkev
07-11-2005, 11:21 AM
The new men's loo at sofitel, Queenstown, NZ

revs57
07-11-2005, 12:05 PM
How intimidating Kev ;D ;D ;D

Fishin_Dan
08-11-2005, 01:44 PM
A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there was only a dog.



It was a shitzu.

bigmack
08-11-2005, 04:38 PM
To: All Al Queda Fighters



From: Bin Laden, Osama

Subject: The Cave



Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really

come together as a group and I love that! However, while

we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave,

and frankly I have a few concerns:



First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles,

we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want

to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so

we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning

roster ... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave

reception area (next to the halaal toaster).



Second: it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm

trying to scare the *** out of most of the world's population, okay?

That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in

the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.



Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly

wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my

Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm asking.



Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance

ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not

chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey.

Thanks.



Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS" on the group

toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was

relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.



Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse

that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at

the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With

donkeys, there is a grey area.)



Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise

trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for

them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.



Love you lots, Group Hug.



Os.



PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry

bag. Cut it out, it's not funny any more

bigmack
08-11-2005, 04:42 PM
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Dignity
08-11-2005, 07:17 PM
The new men's loo at sofitel, Queenstown, NZ

kev, I was sent this one quite a few weeks ago and it was a high quality photo which what I tell you next is very clear - I've had quite a few sent in the meantime but of lower quality but strangely enough you can still see another lady in the photo, she is in the reflection of the lady bendiing down and she is not the photographer either as he can be seen as another separate reflection. unisex toilet?

cheers Sam

Black_Rat
09-11-2005, 08:21 AM
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian,
white baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Sum Ting Wong #

Duyz72
09-11-2005, 06:00 PM
After 20 years of marriage a wife finally makes a stand with her husband on the eve of their anniversary.
"We've been married 20 years and you have been a lazy good for nothing all that time. So there better be something in the driveway tomorrow which goes from 0 to 200 in less than 5 seconds!"
The next day the wife goes out and finds a small package on the drive. She opens it up and inside is a brand new set of bathroom scales.

Funeral arrangements for the husband are currently underway.

Killing_Nemo
09-11-2005, 08:39 PM
Q. How do you get 50 fat cows into a room?

A. Put a bingo sign out the front! ;D ;D

Az
10-11-2005, 10:48 AM
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the tables.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

Wyoming
10-11-2005, 12:07 PM
A husband and wife are away on holidays on the North East corner of Peel Island.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the area, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and begins reading her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat and he pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," she replies, without batting an eye. "But I haven't even touched you," the game warden sputters.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." The warden was silent for a moment. "Have a nice day ma'am", he said, and rowed away quickly.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

SCOTTYGC
10-11-2005, 03:02 PM
http://www.fishraider.com.au/Invision/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=7223

read the Q&A at the end

harry_h01
11-11-2005, 09:29 AM
The Bible Belt Preacher

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.

One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence.

The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologise now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

SeaHunt
11-11-2005, 03:25 PM
So

If shark fishing is fishing for sharks, why isn't fly fishing fishing for flies??
::) :-?

Hoges
13-11-2005, 08:04 PM
:D
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Richmond fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Mary, why are you a Richmond fan?" My mum and dad were born and raised in Richmond, so my mum is a Richmond fan and my dad is a Richmond fan, and so I'm a Richmond fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Richmond fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."
:-[

Sportfish_5
14-11-2005, 11:03 PM
::)

westie
15-11-2005, 05:09 PM
The New Volvo speedo

Always_offshore
15-11-2005, 09:20 PM
KFC [kentucky fried chicken] I cant beleive they can advertise this, its indecant ,immoral, its nearly a4 letter word. so after a few drinks we decided to come up with a new slogan,---------KFC the only thing missing is U

Hoges
16-11-2005, 09:33 AM
Not the best pick joint. LOL......
:o

Fishin_Dan
16-11-2005, 12:40 PM
KFC [kentucky fried chicken] I cant beleive they can advertise this, its indecant ,immoral, its nearly a4 letter word. so after a few drinks we decided to come up with a new slogan,---------KFC the only thing missing is U

Apparently Japan is the only country in the world where KFC does not use the slogan "Finger Lickin Good"... The reason being that the direct translation into Japanese is "Eat Your Hands Off"!

seabug
17-11-2005, 09:18 AM
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

Fishin_Dan
17-11-2005, 02:34 PM
THE BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months
because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into
the little packet.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with
a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained
to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the
top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C"

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1
hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone
button.

Fishin_Dan
18-11-2005, 08:30 AM
There's now a letter for woman to break up with men....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Tick those that apply...



__Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

__Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

__You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__Your constant e-mailing (And/Or posting on Ausfish!) shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

__Your legs are skinnier than mine.

__You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

__I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

__The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

__You still live with your parents.

__Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Alien uniforms a little disconcerting.

__Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

__Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

__I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.



Sincerely,

_____________________

Fishin_Dan
18-11-2005, 08:37 AM
The Bird Flu has now been found in America!!!

dasher
19-11-2005, 10:13 AM
Little Johnny and Susie Smith are only 10 years old, but they just know
that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married.
So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?" So without even taking a moment
to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Susie." So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.
Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60
bucks a month. That should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.
I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"Well, I have to admit, we've been lucky so far." :o :o ;D ;D

Duyz72
19-11-2005, 03:45 PM
One of a few I saw on the net

Duyz72
20-11-2005, 03:04 PM
Another reason why we should all buy a boat!

Fishin_Dan
21-11-2005, 11:32 AM
;D

harry_h01
23-11-2005, 10:59 AM
Santa's Favorite Jokes.......

Santa loves a good joke. He must -- he tells the same ones over and over
again, time after time! Here are some of his favorites:

I just got back from my yearly flight around the world. Boy, are my arms
tired!...After I left home, I wrote my mother that I'd grown another foot.
So she knit me another sock.

Let me tell you about the Ice Nymphs. Once three nymphs were sleeping in
the same bed. It was so crowded that one got out and slept on the floor.
After a while, one of the Nymphs said to the one on the floor, "You ought
to get back in the bed with us. There's lots more room now!"... Once the
Nymphs were out playing football. One of the players asked the coach to
flood the field so he could go in as a sub.

Then there are the elves. One of the elves is great at magic. He walked
around the corner and turned into an outhouse....One elf snored so loud he
woke himself up. But then he solved the problem -- he started sleeping in
the next room....Everyone knows the elves are famous for the baths they take
each year. But perhaps you don't know what the first elf in the tub is
called -- he's the ringleader.....We've got one elf who just hates to take
baths. Once he got so dirty that when he finally took a bath he found some
underwear he thought he'd lost three years before.

With all my expertise over the years I've learned some interesting things.
For instance, if a bee and a doorbell get married, what kind of children
to you think they'll have? Humdingers!....And I've learned why penguins
cross the road only halfway -- they like to lay it on the line.....I deliver
toys to a boy who parts his hair from ear to ear. Its a real problem --
people keep whispering in his nose!

People always have questions about my reindeer. For instance, they want
to know why reindeer wear bells. I tell them it's because their horns
don't work.....Or they ask, "How much reindeer feed do you get for a
quarter?" My answer: "None. Quarters don't eat reindeer feed!"

Duyz72
24-11-2005, 04:09 PM
;D ;D
Even lions have marriage blues!!!!

HAMMER740
25-11-2005, 01:03 AM
"Quantas Problem Solving"

After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form,
called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense
of
humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way,
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S:Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on
this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitudehold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget!!!!!!!

Owen
26-11-2005, 09:09 PM
SUBJECT: Important Info About Upgrading Software

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Yet another reason for never buying a 'X.0' release of anything.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 12.4 to Wife 1.0 and found #
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other #
applications. He also noticed that Wife 1.0 is spawning Child-Processes, #
which further consume valuable resources. #No mention of this particular #
phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, #
though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to #
the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched #
at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. #
He's finding that some applications such as , FishingWeekend 2.0, PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash # 2.5, and PubNight 7.2 are no longer able to run in the system at all, #
crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine #
before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta #
release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 1.1:

A "Don't remind me again" button Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 1.1 to be uninstalled at any #
time without the loss of cache and other system resources
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow #
the system hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 #
by sticking with GirlFriend 2.7. #Even here, however, I found many problems:

Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.7 on top of GirlFriend 1.5. #
You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.5 first. #Other users say this is a long #
standing bug which I should have been aware of.

Apparently different versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared #
use of the I/O port. #Simultaneous use almost never works. #To make matters
worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.5 doesn't work very well, #
leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. #All versions of
GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messages about the #
advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bug Warning

If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
deletes all MS Money files and performs an auto-uninstall. #Reports have
been filed regarding this feature, but at this time there is no known #
solution.
After Wife 1.0 performs an uninstall, Mistress 1.1 may now refuse to
install, claiming insufficient system resources.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bug Work-Arounds

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 at a different
location and never run any file transfer application such as Laplink 6.0.

Mistress 1.1 should be considered shareware. #Shareware applications have
been known to carry viruses that may also infect you and the Wife 1.0. #
Care should be taken when using shareware



cheers,
Owen

agnes_jill
27-11-2005, 07:56 AM
The Modern Noah

In the year 2005 the Lord came to Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "Once again , the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. You need to build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark? "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go the the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldn't listen.

Then I had problems getting the wood. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save an endangered species, the spotted quoll. I tried to convince PETA that I needed the wood to save the quolls- but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, PETA sued me for confining wild animals against their will. They said it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the local council ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many indigenous people I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

The Immigration Department is checking the status of most of the people who want to work and I've even had a letter from the government asking about my ethnic background!

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Taxation department has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord but it would take a least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it." :-[

harry_h01
28-11-2005, 02:56 PM
:) :) :) :) :)

Santa's Bad Day
The Birth of a Tradition

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

harry_h01
28-11-2005, 02:57 PM
:D ;D

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA -
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY-
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(don't make me repeat that again)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE -
Silent Night

webby
01-12-2005, 08:14 PM
A man escapes from prison, he breaks into a house looking for money and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He then ties the girl to the bed and gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck and gets off and goes into the bathroom.
While in the bathroom the husband tells the wife, "listen this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes, he probable spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman for years. I saw how he kissed you, if he wants sex dont resist and do what ever he tells you, or we will both find ourselves being killed"
"I Love You", to which the wife responds, "he wasnt kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear, he told me he was gay, though you were cute and asked if we had any vaseline.. I told him it was in the bathroom, Be strong Honey I Love you too"

dasher
01-12-2005, 09:32 PM
A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those #######s from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

szopen
02-12-2005, 02:02 PM
Husband asks his wife:
- Dear I can not find the tea, can you help me?
Wife:
- Ohh, without me you would die!!! Tea is in the bathroom, in the first aid box, in a cocoa can with a sticker saying "Salt"

dasher
02-12-2005, 02:09 PM
Three Aborigines just got out of Land and Environment Court.

One says to the other:-

What did you get brother? "Arnem Land"

The other said: What did you get brother? "Queensland"

The third said. That's nothing brother. "I got Liquorland"

szopen
02-12-2005, 02:12 PM
- Yesterday I have confessed all my sins to my girlfirend.
- And?
- Did not work, we are getting married in three weeks.

Black_Rat
02-12-2005, 02:38 PM
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise"

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

;D ;D ;D

dasher
04-12-2005, 09:21 AM
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
urologist who shared an office with several other
doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that
the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who
looked like a Sumo wrestler. He told her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I
HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE
THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their
heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A
SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT
THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Hoges
05-12-2005, 06:01 AM
16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

juicyfruit
05-12-2005, 02:18 PM
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)




Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Hoges
06-12-2005, 08:06 AM
I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Hoges
06-12-2005, 08:43 AM
HOW THE BIRTH ORDER OF YOUR CHILDREN CHANGES THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE:

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

FNQCairns
06-12-2005, 10:52 AM
Diary of a Brisbane summer written by a whining whingeing bloody pom

August 31st: Just got transferred with work into our new home in Brisbane!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th: Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th: It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th: Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th: The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st: WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are fu*king kidding me

Black_Rat
06-12-2005, 11:04 AM
;D I can relate to that FNQ, last night was so hot/humid in Brisse inside the house with no A/C, my flat mate & I decided to eat dinner outside where it was cooler only to be mauled by mozzies #>:( can't win #;D gotta luv QLD #;D ;D ;D

dasher
06-12-2005, 12:06 PM
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around
when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

bidkev
06-12-2005, 05:40 PM
Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.



What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

bidkev
06-12-2005, 05:46 PM
Phil has been in the oil business for 25 years and is finally sick of the
stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the outback as far
from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six
months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Aboriginal
standing there.

"Names Wallumpi...Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a
party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Phil "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."

As Wallumpi is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinkin."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the oil business, I can do that with the
best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave Wallumpi stops. "More ''n'' likely gonna be
some fightin, too."

Damn, Phil thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be
there. Thanks again."

Once again Wallumpi turns from the door. "I''ve seen some wild sex at these
parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Phil, "Remember I''ve been alone for six
months! I''ll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the
party?"

Wallumpi stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it''s just
gonna be the two of us."

George_Sackin
07-12-2005, 09:21 AM
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch ...
... when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin lady. "I want to be in the Bahamas, in my own luxury yacht, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Fiji, relaxing on the porch of my beach-side mansion with my personal masseuse, with an endless supply of beer." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Hoges
08-12-2005, 06:31 AM
Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

If you rearrange the letters in Chuck Norris it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing off people one by one.

There is no "I" in team. There is one "I" in Chuck Norris. **** you, team.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi's mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

Chuck Norris's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris created Scientology as an April Fool's joke one year. To his dismay, no one has gotten it.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

megafish71
08-12-2005, 07:52 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you
must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's p a n t i e s. St. Peter looked at the
man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins.

Commodore
08-12-2005, 02:38 PM
From a mag 50yrs ago, how things have changed.

matthill80
08-12-2005, 10:46 PM
LMFAO i will be showing that to the wife ahahahahaha

top stuff chong


cheers matt

juicyfruit
09-12-2005, 12:03 PM
*awaits the article on 'the good husband's guide*

and who did all the hightlighting?

Good laugh

Juicy

dasher
10-12-2005, 07:49 AM
*awaits the article on 'the good husband's guide*

and who did all the hightlighting?

Good laugh

Juicy

Just for you Juicy. ;) :)

Fishin_Dan
10-12-2005, 07:53 AM
;D That's gold dasher!

Volvo
10-12-2005, 08:46 AM
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, " Hey,boss I not come work
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I#not come work. " The boss says,"You know Hung Chow, I really need you
today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That
makes#everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung
Chow calls again:" Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work
soon.
You got nice house."

Volvo
10-12-2005, 08:49 AM
The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
;D

Volvo
10-12-2005, 08:51 AM
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast.
"Oh, sh!t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran
upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking CocoPops."

Volvo
10-12-2005, 08:52 AM
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet" she replied.

dasher
10-12-2005, 01:07 PM
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. ;D

dasher
10-12-2005, 01:10 PM
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but









I can't get my wife to go swimming.
>:( ::)

dasher
10-12-2005, 01:14 PM
This one is for all my friends at PETA. ::)

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
:o ::) ;) ;D

harry_h01
12-12-2005, 07:52 AM
:D

harry_h01
12-12-2005, 07:54 AM
:D

bidkev
12-12-2005, 06:40 PM
Amazing Dog


A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for
Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and
was awarded medals for my work.

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

dasher
13-12-2005, 08:50 AM
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. :-*

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that
something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom
and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all
these lip prints were causing a major problem for the cleaner who had
to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. :o Since then, there have been
no lip prints on the mirror. ::)

There are teachers, and then there are educators... ;D

wiseguy67
14-12-2005, 01:28 PM
For those who have come across irate customers!

The customer is always right.......NOT!!!

A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 707s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal ³We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too ".

dasher
14-12-2005, 03:51 PM
An irate customer that won. ;)


A middle aged woman went to a Myer service counter and tells the
clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on
'special'.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts
screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a
growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't
give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman
throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES!
PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

And doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager
pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.

fish2eat
14-12-2005, 04:03 PM
OLD BOAT STORY

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for john and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:

"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.

The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right Up the middle......."

The old woman fainted.

adriancorrea
14-12-2005, 10:42 PM
GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED! HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."


FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED... "I REMEMBER."

rajhi
15-12-2005, 11:44 AM
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to the bridge and was about
to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the
edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe
in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care
of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in
Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on,
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a
routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the
captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away "she explained
"I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said, "this is the Manly Ferry."

(PS: Manly is a half hour ferry ride from Circular Quay)

Bloody Sailors...you just can't trust them!!! ;) ;D ;D

onerabbit
15-12-2005, 03:31 PM
A man goes to a zoo. When he arrives, there is only 1 animal. It was a shitzu.

szopen
16-12-2005, 05:11 PM
Lawyer asks his client:
- So why do you want to divorce your wife?
- She spend every evening in pubs.
- Drinking?
- No, following me.

szopen
16-12-2005, 05:16 PM
Doctor tells his patient:
- Your heart is in terrible shape. You can not smoke, can not drink alcohol or caffe. You can eat only raw vegies, no meat, no fats, no carbohydrates. You must stop all sexual activities.
And most important thing is: more joy in life, more joy my dear...

Hoges
17-12-2005, 09:30 AM
Please swim between the flags.

dasher
17-12-2005, 11:08 AM
When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is find
out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or
putting it another way..... Who's yo Daddy!

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone
number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the
same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borne at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

dasher
17-12-2005, 11:16 AM
Priest was seated next to a Queenslander on a flight to Canberra
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Queenslander asked for a Bundy rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Queenslander then handed his drink back to the attendant and said
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

uripper
18-12-2005, 02:54 PM
what are mates for ...

try this one

http://www.ausfish.com.au/cgi-ausfish/yabb2/YaBB.cgi?num=1134874184

dont know this guy from a bar of soap - picked up a few details from his previos posts- should get him thinking :o

anyone else want to join in??
maybe u have some advice on the block & tackle or some other words of wisdom ;D

Rip

Hoges
18-12-2005, 03:34 PM
:o

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

:-X

wiseguy67
19-12-2005, 04:29 PM
BUTCH THE ROOSTER

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job
was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on
the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the
bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and
walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch
became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not
only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the
"Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Liberal in the making. Who else but a Liberal could
figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet
by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when
they weren't paying attention.
;)

Cruiser
20-12-2005, 02:08 PM
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his ##### covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your #####."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his ##### and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my #####!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks.


Faw off by itself! You save money".

szopen
20-12-2005, 02:41 PM
My grandfather always complains that the living costs are too high nowadays:
- When I was a a little boy my mother used to give me 5 dolars and send me shopping, I could always come home with a full bag of groceries, bread, cheese, milk, ham, tomatos...
And now? .... Everywhere mirrors, cameras....

Cruiser
21-12-2005, 07:27 AM
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall???

"Dam!"

Cruiser
21-12-2005, 07:35 AM
A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:

1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

fish2eat
10-01-2006, 11:39 AM
I don't have a joke to add just yet but hey.......this is one of my favourite threads and it slipped down to PAGE 7 !!!!!

C'mon guys, did we all lose our sense of humour over Christmas???

Lets this topic rockin again

szopen
10-01-2006, 01:02 PM
I was thinking about this thread as well.

Here is a joke.

Lion King has decided to build a clubhouse for the animals so thay will have a nice place to hang out.
Very soon he has realized that this will require a lot of applications, permits and approvals.
Somebody had to go to the government offices and get it done so he called a meeting of all animals to choose the right representative. After a brief discussion they decided to send the bear as he is big, strong and very respected.
So bear went there. After 8 hours he comes back and Lion King asks him if everything has been done, bear says he got nothing done.
- What? You so strong, big and respected and nothing???

Than they decided to send the fox as he is smart and cunning.
After the whole day the fox is back with nothing done either.

Than they have chosen a squirel as she is pretty, delicate and very fast.
She got back with the same result as others.

Lion King has run out of ideas so he asked if there are any volunters.

When donkey stepped out everybody started laughing:
You donkey? But you are stupid, slow and useless...
Well the donkey was stubborn and actually went to try.

After 2 hours he comes back with a big smile and says that everything is done, he has all the required papers.
Everybody is shocked. Lion King asks:
- How did you do this?
Donkey:
- No problem, every door I open I found a relative of mine...

fish2eat
11-01-2006, 11:45 AM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side;
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him -
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something VERY special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.......
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque -
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good -so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very perplexed and disappointed jeweler phoned the old man;
"There's no money in that account sir?."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had ?"

dasher
11-01-2006, 07:31 PM
The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like hell."

PG
11-01-2006, 10:20 PM
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup?"


"Well, no, not quite" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

PG
11-01-2006, 10:21 PM
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."


His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.

PG
11-01-2006, 10:26 PM
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.............

fish2eat
12-01-2006, 09:34 PM
was this your christmas????

fish2eat
13-01-2006, 09:14 AM
One for the older generation.......

THE OLD DAYS

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.

They took aspirin, ate tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate white bread and real butter, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.

No mobile phones, no one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobiles no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

fish2eat
13-01-2006, 09:40 AM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to

the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to

buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need

cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."



The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't

give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad

things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in

bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and

replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a

prescription."

fish2eat
13-01-2006, 09:44 AM
Subject: Golf Balls


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls,and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

fish2eat
13-01-2006, 09:49 AM
There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this.........

I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around
8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time
to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over
hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be
able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to
make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the
clothes basket,
donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised
when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning,
haven't we ?". I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal some shopping, cleaning, cooking,
etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mummy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get
another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that
was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside
it."

fish2eat
13-01-2006, 09:53 AM
Reasons why men might have 2 dogs but not 2 wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get a point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or your desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
24. Dogs are not allowed in David Jones or Myers.

fish2eat
13-01-2006, 10:01 AM
Test for Dementia


Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)



First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to mess up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.



Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?




You're not very good at this! Are you?



Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.




Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000

Now add 10. What is the total?



Scroll down for answer.




Did you get 5000?


The correct answer is actually 4100.


Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?



Fourth Question:



Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?



Answer: Nunu?


NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again



Okay, now the bonus round:

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By

imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully

expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is

done.


Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of

sunglasses, how should he express himself?












He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. :)

fish2eat
14-01-2006, 09:51 AM
The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

And the winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.


3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes
up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

szopen
14-01-2006, 02:30 PM
A male whale swims around a female whale.
And complains:
- Dozens of eco organizations, hundreds of activists, thousands of politicians and scientists, hundreds of thousands people on demonstrations, governments of most countries...All of them are doing everything possible to preserve our species... And YOU!!!! You have a headache......?

catchy_fishy
15-01-2006, 07:43 AM
Keeping it fishing related.

Ther are two fish in a tank! ...........................

After a while one turns round to the other and asks:




















"How the hell do you drive this thing?"

bidkev
15-01-2006, 12:17 PM
CULTURAL DIFFERENCES:

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
4. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.
5. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
6. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country.
7. . You can legally kill yourself - You can legally be killed.
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries (Well who hasn't eh?)
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You get to join wars late
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth -When you're not - At all!


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope
5. You can go skiing in your knickers
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing – it’s fairly spacious
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and sex acts with penguins - and they believe you
10. You can actually get bored with blondes


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup-doo-dah, doo-dah
2. Proper beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10 You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 b.c.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability?
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be joking?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge f****** shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great grandfather was a murdering bar steward that no civilised nation on earth wanted.
2. XXXX
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity. NOT!
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP TEN REASONS TO BE A GERMAN:

1. You do not WANT to go to the Oktoberfest, you know it is sh*t
2. Cheap fantastic beer
3. Behave like you want, everybody hates you anyway
4. Expensive fantastic cars
5. Unlimited Autobahn
6. Who else lost two world wars??
7. Who else in europe won three world cups :-) :-) :-) ??
8. You can buy all neighbour countries...
9. But you are not stupid, you rent them in the summer
10. See number 2+4+5 = BIG FUN

HarryO
15-01-2006, 02:46 PM
Conundrum.....

If a married couple from Tasmania migrated to Queensland,
settled in, bought a home, had a cupla kids,
then separated, and got divorced..........





would they still legally be brother and sister???

HarryO
15-01-2006, 02:53 PM
What do you call two fellas hanging above your
kitchen window???

Kurt 'n Rod.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on your
wall??

Art...

What do you call his arms and legs?

Pieces of Art.

A man in your sink with a speech impediment?

Dwayne..

fish2eat
16-01-2006, 11:22 AM
It was Autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their
new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian chief in a modern society, he had never been
taught the old secrets and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't
tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,
he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and
that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?" He asked.
"Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "It's
going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. It looks like it's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

bazzaman
16-01-2006, 05:09 PM
why did the chicken cross the road?? 8-) 8-)

bazzaman
16-01-2006, 05:16 PM
answer: To get to the other side of cause u idiot! ;D ;) ;) ;)

BrianC
16-01-2006, 06:22 PM
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For
example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged,
masculine features.

When she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his arse.

HarryO
16-01-2006, 07:28 PM
Why did the chicken go to the seance?

To get to "the other side"




Hear about the bloke who wouldn't pay the excorcist?

He got repossesed....

fish2eat
17-01-2006, 10:30 AM
These are things lawyers and witnesses actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_____________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
_____________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

fish2eat
17-01-2006, 11:45 AM
You think you're having a bad day?


A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen.
While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear.
The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst
through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large
hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and
escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right
the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up
the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while
attending to his business.
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.
She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher
and dumping the husband out.
He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

fish2eat
17-01-2006, 01:48 PM
STILL having a bad day??
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the
bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

HarryO
17-01-2006, 04:22 PM
Hear about the bisexual donkey?

He'd have a hee in the morning, and a haw at night.

Why does mike tyson cry when he makes love?

Mace will do that.

Know Mike Tysons Email address?

Slash,slash, backslash,escape...

When does Micheal Jackson go to bed?

When the big hand meets the little hand.

You know the group "Boys to Men"?

Michael Jackson thought that was a
home delivery service...

fish2eat
18-01-2006, 08:43 AM
Did I read that sign right?

In an office toilet OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ONTHE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES

DaneCross
18-01-2006, 11:09 AM
Notes From Thoughtful Doug

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Doug ...

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susan. When I
took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a
full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance that we
needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door .

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two
or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Susan. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if
you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other ...

Signed,

Doug

EDITOR'S NOTE: Doug died suddenly Thursday 26 of May 2005. He was
found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf
club) rammed up his arse, with only 2 inches of grip showing . His wife
Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he
accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

fish2eat
18-01-2006, 03:44 PM
whats biting?

szopen
18-01-2006, 04:17 PM
At 16:00 frog wearing working clothes smeared with paint, plaster and cement walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
One of the guys sitting there thinks that this would be an excellent act for his friend circus director, so the nest day he brings his friend to the bar.
At precisly the same time the same frog in dirty working clothes comes in and asks for a beer.
Circus director comes over and offers frog a job in circus.
Frog: Let me get it straight a job in circus?
Director: Yes.
F: Circus is a big tent?
D: Yes.
F: Steel structure?
D: Yes.
F: Wooden benches?
D: Yes.
F: What the hell do you need a bricke for?

juicyfruit
19-01-2006, 04:47 PM
With the awesome power of Ausfish locating Bazil Noonan, I was wondering if the same power could be used in locating this Baz

http://www.cane-toad.com/movie.php

Hoges
20-01-2006, 07:21 AM
As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students
celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. Tell me
Patrick what do you do at Christmas time? she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers
and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home
very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas
to come with all our toys.

Very nice Patrick, she said. Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at
Christmas?

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad
and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk
by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting
for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to Leave
him out of the discussion, she asked, Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do
at Christmas?

Isaac said, Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from
the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin
to sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas.

dasher
20-01-2006, 09:45 AM
Now that's sad. ;D

fish2eat
20-01-2006, 10:32 AM
Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. What does K-Mart, Target and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

fish2eat
20-01-2006, 10:44 AM
SECRET CAT DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Commodore
20-01-2006, 02:13 PM
NEW TAFE COURSES FOR WOMEN – FIRST IN BEST DRESSED!
POSITIONS ARE FILLING FAST
ENROLMENTS CLOSE END OF MAY 2006!

Many women think that they already know everything, but wait new training courses are now available in 2006 for women on the following subjects:

Coursers Available Over View

1. Silence, the Final Frontier : Where No Women Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking : Making Deposits

3. Parties : Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management : Minor Household Chores Can wait until after the game

5. Bathroom Etiquette 1 : Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette 2 : His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills 1 : Tears – The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills 2 : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills 3 : Getting What You want Without Nagging

10. Driving A Car Safely : A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills : How To Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking : Using Mirrors to see, Not to Apply Makeup

13. Advanced Parking : Backing into a Space

14. Water Retention : Fact or Fat

15. Cooking 1 : Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking 2 : Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption

17. Cooking 3 : How not to Inflict your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments : Accepting them Gracefully

19. PMS : Your Problem………Not His

20. Dancing : Why Men Don’t Like To

21. Classic Clothing : Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust : A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating your Laundry : Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Petrol : Your car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes : For Men Only

26. Getting ready To Go Out : Starting the Day Before

HarryO
21-01-2006, 10:36 PM
Who's the only 120kg person ever to ride a
English Derby cup winner??

Lester Piggot's cell mate.

HarryO
21-01-2006, 10:49 PM
If 10% of fatal road accidents are caused by drunk drivers,
does that mean the other 90% are caused by sober drivers....

Does that means if we all drink & drive, we'd all be a lot
safer ?...

Mad-One
22-01-2006, 06:32 AM
A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. '

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

fish2eat
23-01-2006, 08:53 AM
Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

fish2eat
23-01-2006, 09:45 AM
Retire Aged Personnel Early

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.

Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The programme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company

fish2eat
23-01-2006, 09:56 AM
Henry took his fishing very seriously. One day his young son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.

"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."

fish2eat
23-01-2006, 10:31 AM
A Fishermans Philosophy

A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:
Talk about changing spots
Prepare another rod while one is out
Lay your rod down unsecured
Start to pull the boat anchor
Use the worst lure you own
Crack open your first beer
Crack open your last beer
Take notice of the chick on a passing boat, bank or beach
Watch others fishing
Start reeling in your lines at going home time
Give your fishing rod to a female companion or child to hold
When your landing net is out of reach
When you have cast your line over an obstruction
When you line has drifted into impossible weeds
When you turn to look at the sunrise or sunset
Decide that you need to take a leak

HarryO
23-01-2006, 11:25 AM
;D ;D ;D ;D

cracking open the thermos ALWAYS works for me!

Fishin_Dan
23-01-2006, 12:28 PM
[b]
Decide that you need to take a leak


I tested out a theory one night of watching the rod while taking a leak to see if it would go off... Seems watching the rod is the more powerful of the 2! ::)

fish2eat
23-01-2006, 01:43 PM
A Fishing Lure

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special lake off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the ranger jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The ranger was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the ranger finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the ranger gasped.
“Here it is sir” said the boy
The ranger was amazed and told the boy he was dumb for running away when he had a valid licence.
“but my mate back at the lake doesn’t” said the boy

fish2eat
23-01-2006, 02:45 PM
THE FISHING PRIEST


The priest was a fisherman, but he hadn't fished in months. One perfect Sunday morning he couldn't resist. He called up the Bishop and claimed he had laryngitis. The priest then headed out to his favorite spot.
The hook hadn't been in the water five minutes before he got a strike, and landed the biggest fish he had ever caught - although he had seen bigger ones., A half hour* later, he caught the biggest fish he had ever seen. Another forty-five minutes later he landed a fish that broke the world record.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching the priest from heaven. St. Peter turned to God, and said, "How can you reward this priest? He lied. He let down his congregation."

God smiles at St. Peter, and replies, "I'm punishing him."

St. Peter is confused, so God continues, "Well, after he finishes, who can he tell his story to?"

fish2eat
24-01-2006, 08:46 AM
The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep

When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening.

He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in some sand. Then he finishes dressing and goes home.

When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening?

The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.

His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"

fish2eat
25-01-2006, 08:46 AM
How to Know you are Serious Fisho


1) You have a Berkley Gulp dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a
good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep an ugly stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black labrador "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) BCF has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 20kg Jewfish on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider Fourex and Jatz a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Closed.
14) Your boat trailer needs new tyres so you just "borrow" the ones off your wife’s car.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone

MulletMan
25-01-2006, 12:05 PM
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on
a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Hoges
26-01-2006, 07:53 AM
Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Large frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

Dignity
26-01-2006, 08:55 AM
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, US Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

sam

wayne_cook
26-01-2006, 09:34 PM
a joke for the kids.

Where do you find a turtle with no legs??
...
...
...
...
...
...
ANS. where you left him.
;D

teach
26-01-2006, 10:34 PM
BAPTISMAL SERVICE

A drunken fisherman stumbled upon a traditional baptismal service at the river where he fished. He walked out in the water to where the minister stood. The minister turned to the drunk and said, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”
“Yes, reverend, I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water, pulls him up asking, “Have you found Jesus?”
“No”, replied the old fisherman.
So the preacher dunks him a bit longer, pulls him up and again asks, “Did you find Jesus?”
“No”
The minister is disgusted. He pushes the man under the water for about 30 seconds, pulls him up and asks in a harsh voice, “Now, my good man, have you found Jesus yet?”
The old fisherman wipes his eyes, spits out some water and says to the minister, “No. Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

teach
26-01-2006, 10:39 PM
PADDY FLAHERTY

Paddy Flaherty loves to fish and then go to the pub. He comes home drunk every evening toward 10pm. The missus has never been too happy about it. So one night she hides in the cemetery and decides to scare the shit out of him.
As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, “Paddy Sean Flaherty, sure an ye don't give up your drinkin' and it's to hell I'll take ye!”
Pat, undaunted, staggers back and demands, “Who the hell are you?”
“I’m the divil ye damned old fool.”
“Damned glad to meet you sir. I’m married to yer sister.”

fish2eat
27-01-2006, 09:26 AM
Take The Bait

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Hoges
27-01-2006, 01:19 PM
:)
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue,

"Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.
::)

gawby
28-01-2006, 09:06 PM
Maryanne was gazing into the window of a shoe store admiring a pair of green sneakers when Skippa a suave middle aged man sided up beside her.
Coming to the point Skippa said, "Ill buy those sneakers for you Maryanne if you come to bed with me."
Maryanne really wanted the sneakers and after a moments thought said, "Okay. But i have to tell you that i am not very keen on sex."
Skippa bought the shoes and soon had Maryanne back in his apartment where they went to bed. Just as Maryanne had told Skippa she was very passive and Skippa was a little bored himself humping away in the missionary position while Maryanne lay so still.
Then suddenly Maryanne threw her legs in the air and sighed, "Wow, lovely, bee-yooti-ful."
Skippa said, "I thought you didnt like sex."
"I dont." Maryanne said, "Im just admiring these beaut new green sneakers."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

fish2eat
30-01-2006, 09:24 AM
Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women

Boats only need their fluids changed every year.
Boats curves never sag.
Boats last longer.
Boats don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Boat any time of the month.
Boats don't have parents.
Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Boat with your friends.
If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.
Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.
You can have a beer while riding your Boat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.
You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.
If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.
Boats always feel like going for a ride.
Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.
Boats don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.
If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.
Boats don't mind if you ride them hard all day while drinking beer with your mates, and then fall asleep on top of them

HarryO
30-01-2006, 04:35 PM
Computers go back to the garden of Eden...

Where Eve had an Apple, and Adam had a Wang...

HarryO
30-01-2006, 04:38 PM
Whats the definition of endless love?

Ray Charles and Steve Wonder playing tennis....

Fishin_Dan
31-01-2006, 01:38 PM
Freindship differences between Male & Female:-


Friendship between Women

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

Fishin_Dan
01-02-2006, 09:04 AM
SOCCER LESSON FOR WOMEN


You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.












Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule!

fish2eat
01-02-2006, 09:18 AM
Signs that you are too drunk would be...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Leader of the Democrats.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

fish2eat
01-02-2006, 10:43 AM
These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts...

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

fish2eat
02-02-2006, 10:13 AM
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

fish2eat
02-02-2006, 10:31 AM
After a 2 year study, the US National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

fish2eat
02-02-2006, 03:45 PM
WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

teach
02-02-2006, 11:57 PM
FARMER’S ACCIDENT

A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck. He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. “I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?” said the counsel for the insurance company.
“Yes, that's right,” replied the farmer.
“You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied," I've never felt better in my life: ”Is that the case?”
“Yeah, but –“
“A simple yes or no will suffice.”
“Yes;” replied the farmer quietly.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask the questions.
“Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health,” his lawyer said.
“Certainly” replied the farmer. “After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he comes straight over to me, with his gun still smoking, and asks me how I was feeling. Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?”

NEW FARMHAND

A young skinhead started a job on a farm. The boss sent him to the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening, he was half an hour late. The boss got on the CB radio to check if he was all right. “I've got a problem, boss. I'm stuck `ere. I've hit a pig!”
“Ah well, these things happen sometimes,” the boss said. “Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark”
“But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull-bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's going to hurt me!”
“Never mind,” said the boss. “There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home”
“OK, boss” replied the new farmhand.
Another half an hour went by but there was still not a peep from the kid. The boss got back on the CB. “What's the problem, son?”
“Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck”
“What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?”
“Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck!”

FALLING ASLEEP IN SERMONS

One day Mrs Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. should I do?”
“I have an idea,” said the minister. "Take this hat-pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs Jones.
“Jesus!” Jones cried, as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hat-pin.
`Yes, you are right, Mr Jones.” said the minister.
Soon, Mr Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
“Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs Jones.
“Oh God!” Mr Jones cried out, as he was stuck again with the hat-pin.
“Right again,” said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of the sermon, he made a motion that Mrs Jones mistook as the signal to bayonet her husband with the hat-pin again.
The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after bore him his 99th son?”
Mrs-Jones poked her husband, who yelled, ”You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half, and shove it up your arse!”

snappa
03-02-2006, 01:01 AM
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>>
>> It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
>>stand closer to the kitchen sink.

snappa
03-02-2006, 01:03 AM
A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a
pygmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".

The pygmy said "Yes."

The hunter asked "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast
like that?"

The pygmy said: "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied: "There's about 90 of us

snappa
03-02-2006, 01:04 AM
How do you fix a woman's watch?
>>
>> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
;D ;D

finga64
03-02-2006, 07:47 AM
Ooh Snapper, If the cook ever catches you its gunna be [smiley=hanged.gif], if I meet you it's [smiley=beer.gif]
;D

fish2eat
03-02-2006, 08:24 AM
Which condom would you use....

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Optus Condom: Just say “Yes”

Microsoft Condom: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Mazda Condom: zoom zoom zoom…..yeah yeah yeah yeah

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

aussiefool
04-02-2006, 05:35 AM
IT WAS GOOD





In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy

matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going

prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.



On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.



On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to
provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.



On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops,

sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.



On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the
beach,

drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.



On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed

someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the

barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.



On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires,
heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the
Blokes.



He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... well .. almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to
wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

gawby
05-02-2006, 01:02 AM
Stepping into the elevator the businessman quickly detected an offensive odour. The only other occupant was a little old lady. "Excuse me," he addressed her, "did you happen to pass wind?"
"Of course i did," she replied. "You dont think i stink like this all the time do you?"

Hoges
05-02-2006, 09:35 AM
;D

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’., so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’. But I accidentally said, "You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."

:o

Darryl
05-02-2006, 09:14 PM
;D ;DClassic hoges ahahahah ow it hurts. ;D ;D

fish2eat
06-02-2006, 04:15 PM
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork!! He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be sooooo cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee ).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...........well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

fish2eat
06-02-2006, 04:22 PM
It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 17...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants

Dignity
06-02-2006, 05:30 PM
A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said," What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Dignity
06-02-2006, 05:34 PM
one day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
thimble fell into the river.

when she cried out, the lord appeared and asked, "my dear child, why are
you crying?"

the seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that
she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

the lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set
with pearls. "is this your thimble?" the lord asked.

the seamstress replied, "no."

the lord again dipped into the river. he held out a silver thimble ringed
with sapphires. "is this your thimble?" the lord asked again, the
seamstress replied, "no."

the lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"is this your thimble?" the lord asked.

the seamstress replied, "yes."

the lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water.

when she cried out, the lord again appeared and asked her, "why are you
crying?"

"oh lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

the lord went down into the water and came up with mel gibson
"is this your husband?" the lord asked.

"yes," cried the seamstress.

the lord was furious. "you lied! That is an untruth!

the seamstress replied, "oh, forgive me, my lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if i had said 'no' to mel gibson, you would have
come up with tom cruise. Then if i said 'no' to him, you would have come up
with my husband. Had i then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
lord, i'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of
all three husbands, so that's why i said 'yes' to mel gibson."

the moral of this story is: - whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

subzero
06-02-2006, 07:15 PM
Just had to share this being a Kiwi/Aussie hybrid. :)
If it could be done, Hellen Clarke would do it.
Hope it hasnt been posted previously?
Cheers Lloyd

Dignity
06-02-2006, 07:55 PM
luvit #;D ;D ;D

sam

anyone got any sheep smilies - think there would be some around

fish2eat
07-02-2006, 10:41 AM
Calling In Sick

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

fish2eat
07-02-2006, 10:51 AM
The Perfect Bar

Hoges
07-02-2006, 02:17 PM
luvit ;D ;D ;D

sam

anyone got any sheep smilies - think there would be some around

Only found this tiny one...

Hoges
07-02-2006, 02:19 PM
...and this other tiny one...

5cougarsthanx
07-02-2006, 04:06 PM
Short and sweet
What did the elephant say to the naked man?geez mate how do you drink with that.

Alex9797
07-02-2006, 04:35 PM
man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter "how much is a dozen oysters" . Waiter replies twelve.



Alex.

uripper
07-02-2006, 04:53 PM
THE CREATION OF HEALTH (FOOD)

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would-live-long-and-healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Peter’s icecream, custard and cream donuts, and Satan said “You want chocolate with that”? and they both gained 5 kilos and Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair, and satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them, and woman went from size 8 to size 18.

God said, “try my fresh green salad”. And Satan presented thousand Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the meal.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them”. And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken, and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake and named it “Angel Cake” and said, “It is good”. Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food”.

Then God brought forth the potato. Naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fried the. And man gained ore kilos.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra kilos. And Satan gave cable tv with remote control so man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and sat before the flickering blue light and put on more weight.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” and man replied, “Yes, and super size them”, and Satan said, “It is good”. And man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the Queensland Health Department……………

Dignity
07-02-2006, 07:23 PM
Hoges - luvem

sam

Oldmate
07-02-2006, 07:40 PM
How does a herder find a sheep in long grass.............

Quite satisfying.......

teach
07-02-2006, 11:32 PM
THE PHOTO

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

teach
07-02-2006, 11:33 PM
GET THE WATER PETER!!!

One day, Grandma sends her grandson, Peter, down to the water hole to fetch some water for cooking the dinner. As he is dipping the bucket in, he sees two big eyes looking back at him. He drops the bucket and hightails it for Grandma's kitchen.
“Now, where's my bucket and my water?” Grandma asks him.
“I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma,” cries Peter. “There's a huge ol' alligator down there.”
“Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Peter. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no-one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him,” replies Grandma.
“Well, Grandma,” replies Peter, “If he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink.”

teach
07-02-2006, 11:34 PM
GRANDMA'S BIRTH CONTROL PILLS

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.............................. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Volvo
08-02-2006, 08:29 AM
THE HEN

Shamus O'rielly came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was allready asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Jayzus, Joseph n Mary who the feck are you!!!!??, might i ask" demanded Shamus, and what the feck are ye doin in me bedroom??...
The mysterious man answered "This isnt your bedroom and Im St Peter".
Shamus was stunned!! "You mean i'm dead!!??, that cant be!! i have so much to live for, i havent said goodbye to my familly!!!, Yourve GOT!! to send me back straight away"...
St Peter replied "yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.We can only send you back as a dog or a hen"..
Shamus was devastated!!, but knowing there was a farm not too far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A Flash later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground..
"This aint so bad :)" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard Rooster strolled over and said "So your the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here??"..
"Aye, taint so bad " replied Shamus, "But i have this strange feeling inside like i'm about to explode!!".
"Your ovulating" explained the Rooster, dont tell me yourve never laid an egg before??".
"Never" replied Shamus. "Well just relax and let it happen" said the rooster.
And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time :'(...
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him......EVER!!!!!!.....
The joy just kept comming and as he was about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"SHAMUS, YOU FECKIN IDJIT, WAKE UP YOU DRUNKEN BASTARD!!!!!YOUR SHYTING THE FECKIN BED"!!!! :o...

Fishin_Dan
08-02-2006, 08:59 AM
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide

"NO WAY" says the librarian... "You won't bring it back!"


::)

fish2eat
08-02-2006, 10:19 AM
T-Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them...


I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.
When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.
If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
What am I? Fly paper for freaks?
I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.
If I save time, when do I get it back?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Dug
08-02-2006, 07:34 PM
Stun gun....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.//

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long- term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it could not be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I will do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to her, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I cannot be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I am still looking for my testicles? I am offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock///

szopen
08-02-2006, 10:18 PM
Dug,

It's not a joke.
Rather a real life story.

Been there, done that.

Us men and the "toys".................

onerabbit
08-02-2006, 10:41 PM
Top Ten Reasons Men prefer Guns to Women

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when....
you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will
probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a
backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.





And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....






#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A Gun :-)

fish2eat
09-02-2006, 10:01 AM
SISTERS OF MERCY

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 kilometres. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 kilometres and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

yibbiy
09-02-2006, 02:05 PM
Marge was a very good looking woman and determined to keep the ranch her husband had left to her, but she knew very little about ranching and decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard and when no one else replied, she decided to hire the gay guy. She figured it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew alot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well. One day the ranchers widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following saturday night.
However, one o'clock came and he didnt return. Two o'clock and no hirehand. It wasnt till after 3 in the morning he returned and found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Dont ever wear my clothes to town again!!"

grayson
09-02-2006, 02:40 PM
A young couplke are on their honeymoon in Perth and decide to do some diving. Unfortunately during the course of the day the young wife diassappeared and they could not find her. The husband was of course distressed and an immediate search began for the ypung lass. The next afternoon 2 policeman knocked on the door of the husbands hotel room. The husband invited them in and was in an obvious state of shock and distress. The elder of the policemen (Bob) then stated that he had some good news and some bad news and which would he like first. The husband still in shock said he would like the bad news first.

Bob explained that he and Baz had been out on the search and had unfortunately found the body of his wife wedged in a reef crevice. It appeared she had tried to access a cave and become stuck in the crevice and eventually run out of air and drowned. This was too much and the husband broke down in front of them. Bob consoled the man and sent baz out to the car to retrieve the personal effects. These ere presented to teh young husband along with a bag of 6 crayfish. The husband looked puzzled and so Baz explained that upon finding the body, a number of crayfish had begun to feast on the body and so they removed them all and this was his share.

The husband still in shock couldn't believe what he was hearing. He asks Bon if this is the bad news then whta good news could there ossibly be?

quick as a flash Baz pipes up and says ' Well me and Bob knock off work in a few hours and we were wondering if you want to come out with us and give her another pull?

szopen
09-02-2006, 05:02 PM
A little Yeti asks his dad:

- Daddy, where are the people?

Dad:

- They are finished. Stop complaining and eat that jam.

dasher
09-02-2006, 10:01 PM
THE ACTU WILLY AGREEMENT

I, the #####, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:-

1...I Do physical labour.
2...I work at great depths.
3...I plunge head first into everything I do.
4...I do not get weekends or Public Holidays off.
5...I work in a damp environment.
6...I do not get paid overtime.
7...I work in a dark workplace that had poor ventilation.
8...I work in high temperatures.


INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS HIGH COURT RULING.

Dear #####,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments that you have raised, the Administration rejects your requests for the following reasons:-

1...You do not work 8 hours straight.
2...You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3...You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4...You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5...You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6...You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7...You do not always observe necessary safety regulations such as wearing the correct
protective clothing.
8...You will retire before you are 65.
9...You are unable to work double shifts.
10..You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
11..And if that is not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags!!!

Sincerely..............The Management. :o >:(

dasher
11-02-2006, 11:00 AM
My children went to a muslim birthday party last night..........


Well bugga me if that wasn't the fastest game of pass the parcel I've ever seen! :o ;D

dasher
11-02-2006, 12:23 PM
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asked the barman?
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.
I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno' he replied ...I never found the head!" :o :-?

szopen
11-02-2006, 12:27 PM
Two Chinese generals are talking:
- We will attack in small groups of 2-3 milion...

dasher
11-02-2006, 12:37 PM
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line OUT LOUD without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age make mistakes!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7.This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down

dasher
11-02-2006, 02:01 PM
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured.


You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting." Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well."

"I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints". After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

You gotta love the Irish!! ;) ;D

Hoges
11-02-2006, 09:25 PM
;D
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"
;)

gawby
12-02-2006, 09:07 AM
After the car skided into the tree the first man on the scene found the driver still behind the wheel, dazed and bleeding.
"How badly are you hurt? he enquired.
"How the hell should i know," muttered the driver. "Im a doctor not a lawyer."

snappa
12-02-2006, 08:00 PM
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example
of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may
not be as exciting as you had hoped.
;)

bungie
12-02-2006, 08:40 PM
Snappa,
If all they are wearing are black leather thongs then you might be wrong there mate ;D

Hoges
13-02-2006, 09:00 AM
>> Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
>> Female customer: A white one...
>> ===============
>> Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
>> Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
>> Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
>> Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
>> Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
>> ===============
>> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
>> Customer: Your left or my left?
>> ===============
>> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
>> Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
>> Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
>> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
>> ===============
>> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
>> try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted
>> the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
>> ===============
>> Customer: I have problems printing in red...
>> Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
>> Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
>> ===============
>> Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
>> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
>> ===============
>> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
>> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
>> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
>> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
>> Customer: OK
>> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
>> Customer: Yes
>> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
>> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

>> ===============
>> Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as

>> in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
>> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
>> ===============
>> Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
>> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
>> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
>> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
>> Customer: Five stars.
>> ==============

>> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
>> Customer: Netscape.
>> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
>> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>> ===============
>> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has
>>placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
>> ===============
>> Tech support: How may I help you?
>> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
>> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
>> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the
>> address, but how do I get the circle around it?
>> ===============
>> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
>> problem with her printer.
>> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
>> Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
>> man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
>> ===============
>> And last but not least...


>> Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
>> same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to >> bring up the Program
>> Manager."
>> Customer: I don't have a P.
>> Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
>> Customer: What do you mean?
>> Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
>> Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT



"Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny"

Hoges
13-02-2006, 11:55 AM
BRAIN CRAMPS



( On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````



"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

````````````



"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````



"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````



"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````



"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. (No, she wasn't hiding anything.)

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President



```````````````````


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix

--Dan Quayle



``````````


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca



```````````


"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.



````````````````````````````````````````````


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.



`````````````````````````````````


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President (Ex)



``````````````````

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore,


````````````````


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery



````````````````


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina



````````````````````````````````````````````


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

Hoges
13-02-2006, 02:10 PM
LIGHT BULBS

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the stupid light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .

I'm sorry. What was the question?

fish2eat
14-02-2006, 01:20 PM
Good Girls vs Bad Girls

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

fish2eat
14-02-2006, 01:23 PM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

fish2eat
14-02-2006, 01:26 PM
FOOD FOR THOUGHT

finga64
14-02-2006, 01:46 PM
not really a joke but:-

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart#--s student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull--it artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

finga64
14-02-2006, 01:49 PM
(((RING))))

RINGING 486 - 5831

(((RING)))

>>

**Pick Up**

>>

"Hello?"

>>

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

>>

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

>>

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

>>

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

>>

*** Brief Pause ***

>>

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

>>

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

>>

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"

>>

"And what happened honey?" he asked

>>

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

>>

"OH, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

>>

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

>>

***Long Pause***

>>

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486 - 5731?

fish2eat
15-02-2006, 09:11 AM
-A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry ! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early !"

"I can't jump out the window ! It's raining out there !"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both ! He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems !"

So the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm ?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home !"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.

"Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining"

fish2eat
15-02-2006, 09:50 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes
and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the
billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and
somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...
whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls
it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your
monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

fish2eat
15-02-2006, 09:52 AM
At 3.00am the manager of the local fishermen's club receives a phone call at home from a man who sounds quite drunk.
The man asks the manager, 'What time does the club open?'
The manager says, 'Noon', and hangs up.
An hour later the phone rings again and the same voice asks,' What time does the club open?'
Again the manager says, 'Noon' and hangs up.
At 6.30am the phone rings and the same voice asks, 'Wenja shay the club opens at?'
The manager, now quite peeved, yells, 'I told you before it opens at noon' and if you don't sober up, you won't be allowed to get in'.

The slurry, drunken voice then says, 'Ah don' wanna get in , I wanna get out'.

fish2eat
15-02-2006, 09:53 AM
One evening at the nursing home ........

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting.

For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man.

"Get serious," she replied. "I want four times in the rocking chair".

PeterT
15-02-2006, 10:19 AM
A retired couple were making their annual pilgimage from Victoria to North Queensland for the winter.
Just over the Queensland border, they were pulled up by a cop.

"Do you know that you have a breaklight out on your caravan" asks the cop, through the drivers window.
"What did he say, what did he say, what did he say?" pleads the wife who is profoundly deaf.

"He said we have a brake light out." replies the husband." "My wife is deaf constable"

"Where are you from?" asks the cop.
"What did he say, what did he say, what did he say?" asks the wife.

"He asked where we were from" he returns.

"We are from Violet town officer."
Violet town ay. I used to live in Violet town." The cop says.

"What did he say, what did he say, what did he say? Chimes his Mrs.
"He said he used to live in Violet town." replies the husband.

The cop leans a little closer and whispers to the husband "I had the worst sex of my life in Violet town"

"What did he say, what did he say, what did he say?" she asks again.

The husband replies "He said he knows you!"

Lone_Wolf
15-02-2006, 03:31 PM
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so,two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

dasher
15-02-2006, 06:30 PM
A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit
lonely so he thought he would get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He grabbed a card and went back to his hotel. It was an ad
for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, judging by the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy
hair, long graceful legs. You know the kind. So he is in his room and
figures, what the hell, he will give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come
to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you, I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I
want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've
got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, spank me,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you
need to press "9" ::) ;D

MulletMan
16-02-2006, 11:09 AM
A really old and battered hag is in the habit of running up and down the halls of an old age nursing home, standing in front of the old guys, ripping open her dressing gown and yelling out
"Super sex - super sex - come and get it!"
This goes on for ever til one day she pulls the same stunt in front of this weary old fella
"Super Sex - Super sex - come and get it"
He calmly looks over the displayed body, has a think and quietly says
"Think I'll have the soup thanks Love"


A Drover pulls up at the far outback Pub and leaving his two cattle dogs out in the cold and pouring rain, heads inside for a nice quiet drink by the fireplace. The Barman says:
"You know Mate, dogs are a man's best friend. Why don't you bring them inside and let them lie by the fire?"
"OK" replies the drover - "Here Carver, here Ironmonger, inside boys, down......."
Down the boys settle by the fireplace and the Barman says:
"You know, those are the two weirdest names for dogs I have ever heard. Why do you call them Carver and Ironmonger?"
"Well" says the Drover, "Better yet, I'll show ya OK?"
He goes over to Carver and gives him a dirty great chunk of hard wood timber and say "Carver - Kangaroo, Kangaroo, go boy!"
Carver takes the wood in his mouth and attacks it ferociously with his teeth and in no time at all has quite a respectable wooden kangaroo completed.
"There" says the Drover "now you know why I call him Carver"
The Barman is gobsmacked!!
"That is amazing, so what does Ironmonger make eh?"
"I'll show ya Mate" and walks over to the fireplace, pulls out a red hot poker, lifts Ironmongers tail and prepares to jam the poker up the dogs butt..................
"No, no" yells the Barman, "for Gods sake don't do that. Do you know what will happen if you do?"
"Sure do Man, he'll either make a spring for yer balls or a bolt for the door!"

fish2eat
16-02-2006, 11:14 AM
PP I think you should stop hanging around nursing homes....we'll all be in there soon enough. And if the eyesight is failing I'd leave the soup...

You know the old saying.......every man goes to bed with Bo Derek and wakes up with Phyllis Diller.

fish2eat
16-02-2006, 12:04 PM
Redneck Sex Test

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

12. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

13. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False

14. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

15. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

16. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

17. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

18. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

19. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

20. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

21. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

szopen
16-02-2006, 08:07 PM
Two 7-8 years old boys are standing in front of the church during wedding ceremony. The young couple are leaving the church.
One of them asks the other:
- Wanna see some real action?
- Yes!!!

So he runs towards the just married couple and screams:
- Dadddy!!!, Dadddyyy!!!

szopen
16-02-2006, 08:22 PM
A diver wearing full set of gear walks across the desert.
Meets a Beduin on a camel and asks:
- How far to the sea?
Beduin:
- about 300kilometers.
Diver:
- Bl##dy big beach you guys have here....

szopen
16-02-2006, 08:31 PM
Steve walks into a bar and notices a very pretty girl sitting there alone and having a drink, so he walks over and asks:
- What are you doing beauty?
She answers:
- I just sc##w anybody, at home, at work, at the hospital even here. I just love doing this as much as I can since I have finished school.
Steve:
- Look at that. I am also a lawyer. Which law firm you work for?

Lone_Wolf
16-02-2006, 09:46 PM
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all

of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want

you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I

want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he

got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when

he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife

was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next

to her.When they finished the ceremony, just before the

undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it

in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down,

and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all

that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go

back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that

money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you

put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did" said

the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and

wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Canoedle
16-02-2006, 09:49 PM
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before
I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is
your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is
your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you
d!*khead, for the last time............ BRING POSSE!!!!

fish2eat
17-02-2006, 09:42 AM
A fisherman came home from an extended Hospital stay to find his eight year old son riding a new ten speed bike.
'Boy,' he yelled, 'Where did you get the money for that bike?, It must have cost $600.00'.
'Dad, I earned it hiking. Every other night, while you were in Hospital, Mr Green from the bait shop came to see Ma. He'd give me $20.00 and tell me to go take a hike'.