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Dignity
02-02-2005, 03:45 AM
Time for a clean joke:

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her
students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in
and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry: Coconut

Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.

I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

wacco_fozzy
02-02-2005, 11:51 AM
The owner of a golf course in Virginia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, "You graduated from the University of Queensland, and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

"Everything but my earrings."

wacco_fozzy
02-02-2005, 11:52 AM
A Woman's husband dies. Her hubby had $20,000 in his cheque account. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."

wacco_fozzy
02-02-2005, 11:55 AM
A man, reaching the age of 65 plus a few months, went to apply for the pension. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but seemed to have left his wallet at home, and that he would have to go home and come back later."

The woman said to him, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and processed the pension forms.

When he got home, he couldn't wait to tell his wife about the experience at the pension office. She said: "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."

Dug
06-02-2005, 03:51 PM
A man is walking to work in Sydney when he sees a small Chinese curio shop. He has never noticed it there before and he is curious so he goes inside. It is dark and filled with incense smoke, strange ornaments and bizzare objects.

He is drawn to a statue of a golden rat in a glass case it has a label with chinese lettering on it. He casually asks the price. The shop keeper an ancient chinese man smoking a pipe laughs and replies "He is statue of the King of the Rats, $50 for King Rat, $5,000 for the story, you need to hear the story to own the rat!"

The man thinks and says "Nice one, No, just the golden rat will be fine"

He pays and walks out of the shop as he leaves he hears the old man chuckling "you be back, you be back"

As he walks down the road he notices a few rats following him, then out of basements, sewers and buildings rats begin to pour out and follow him he panics and begins to run as thousands of rats follow him. The further he runs the more rats follow, pouring out of ever crack and crevice.

He runs panic filled through the city onto the Harbour Bridge only to be met by legions of rats coming from the Sydney Northern Suburbs. By now millions upon millions of rats have stopped traffic and caused chaos in the streets. He is surrounded by a heaving sea of rodents large and small glaring, snarling, squeaking and squealing at him.

In desperation he throws the golden rat from the bridge into the harbour water hundreds of feet below.

The rats hesitate, then plunge off the bridge, en-mass, to their death, following blindly after the Golden King Rat.

After he recovers enough to walk he makes his way back to the curio and the cackling old man

"You back, I told you, you be back! $5,000 for the story of the Golden King Rat" giggles the old man as he staggers back into the shop.

The man replies "Bugger the story mate, I'll pay you $10,000 for golden statue of John Howard made by the same person!"

Volvo
06-02-2005, 03:55 PM
Irish Declare War on the French!

Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Kirby down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy O'Kirby," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. Since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

theone
08-02-2005, 10:40 AM
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

NQCairns
09-02-2005, 03:42 PM
;D

dasher
09-02-2005, 04:17 PM
Thi8s is the real reason I'm single now!!

Daryl's Badnight..
Daryl works hard during the week and spends two nights each week Fishing and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Daryl! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Daryl. "He's on my golfing team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Daryl if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Daryl, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Big Boy Daryl. Want your
usual table dance, big boy?" Daryl's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Daryl follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Daryl tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez
Daryl, you picked up a real bitch this time."

dasher
09-02-2005, 04:22 PM
This just about covers everyone. ;D

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Queensland schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a Tasmanian zoo and a NSW zoo?
A Tasmanian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Did I miss anyone ??? ::)

Dignity
11-02-2005, 10:23 AM
How do I get a grant to do something like this:

LONDON, England -- The world's funniest joke has been revealed after a year-long search by scientists.



In an experiment conducted in Britain, people around the world were invited to judge jokes on an Internet site as well as contribute their own.

The LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.



And here it is...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"



Wiseman said the joke worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.

"Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal," he said.

As well as identifying the joke which appealed most to people around the world, the experiment revealed wide humour differences between nations.

People logging onto the LaughLab Web site were invited to rate jokes using a "Giggleometer" which had a five-point scale ranging from "not very funny" to "very funny".

One intriguing result was that Germans -- not renowned for their sense of humour -- found just about everything funny and did not express a strong preference for any type of joke. (Full story)

People from the Republic of Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes involving word plays.

Many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, displayed a penchant for off-beat surreal humour, while Americans and Canadians preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority -- either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid by someone else.

Europeans also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that make people feel anxious, such as death, illness and marriage.

Wiseman said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour.

"Humour is vital to communication and the more we understand about how people's culture and background affect their sense of humour, the more we will be able to communicate effectively.

"Also, we find jokes funny for lots of different reasons. They sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking situations or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity.

"The hunters joke contained all three elements."

Bizarrely, computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long. (An abbreviated version was told in this story.)

Many jokes submitted contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were considered particularly funny.

dasher
15-02-2005, 07:13 AM
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.



It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"



He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."



"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She asks,



He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."



"But what about the smell?" She asks,



"Just hold its nose." He replies,



The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene. :o ;D ;D ;D

Dug
15-02-2005, 02:47 PM
Subject: Who says men don't remember anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes I do! " she replies.

The husband paused.
#The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued......."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

agnes_jill
22-02-2005, 04:57 AM
A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two and a half weeks returned to the church. When the pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon.... Is there a problem?" the reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month....." the young man replied sadly.

The reverend asked him was happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower."

"The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off our current thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome and just couldn't contain myself, admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the reverend.

"We know" said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Bunnings either!"

Render
22-02-2005, 11:31 AM
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

max_power
03-03-2005, 09:52 AM
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f ** king bike!"

cuda
04-03-2005, 04:12 AM
There is a new virus out. The code name is "WORK."


If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else-- do not touch WORK under any circumstances.


This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.


Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.


Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.


I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive.....so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

max_power
04-03-2005, 04:47 AM
"Here's the newest technology on the market. Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device. The acronym for this new technology is Simply "BOOK".

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
Electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use that even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere--even sitting in an Armchair by the fire--yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These sheets of paper (called pages) are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence... Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into the brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet...

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open "BOOK" to the exact place you left it in a previous session--even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKS by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor Of a new entertainment wave. Book’s appeal seems so certain that thousand of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Some envision a time when BOOK stores will be a common sight, where Americans will gather to read BOOK and drink coffee. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

polydriverjr
12-03-2005, 11:40 AM

Dignity
17-03-2005, 04:35 AM
Truth is stranger than fiction.

bigal
17-03-2005, 10:19 PM
Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!


THEY WANT TO!!

zedjack33
19-03-2005, 04:50 AM
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's a
deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The
gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll
remove
my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd
agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth.
Gator
closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs
the
gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes
his
genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll
pay
anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a blonde
woman.
"I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me
on
the head with the beer bottle."

zedjack33
19-03-2005, 05:19 AM
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.








Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.






Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.






Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and
because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.







So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

zedjack33
19-03-2005, 05:21 AM
:-/

zedjack33
19-03-2005, 05:28 AM
Subject: BILL GATES HIGH SCHOOL ADDRESS





Bill Gates High School Address:
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they
did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,
politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no
concept of reality and how this
concept set them up for failure in the real world.



Rule 1: Life is not fair . . . get used to it!


Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.


Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping . . . they called it
opportunity.


Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.


Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are now.
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before
you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's
generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.



Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and
they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This
doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.


Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off
and very
few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on
your own
time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have
to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.



Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.



If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this, Thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English, Thank a soldier!

zedjack33
19-03-2005, 05:31 AM
Subject: Elizabeth High School - Year 12 Math's exam


You might have to live in Adelaide to get this but it's funny anyway....



ELIZABETH HIGH SCHOOL - MATHEMATICS EXAM

NAME .................................................. ..................
GANG .

Time allowed: 1 hour

1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX two inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Auscar slotted wheels, how many inches has he lost from the stock suspension?

2 If Pep is coordinating fundraising efforts for the family trip to Italy, how many plants is each member of the family permitted to grow for their private consumption?


3. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors would he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?



4. If Mustaffa runs 15 km from the Police travelling from Munno Para to Paralowie then steals a car and drives another 8 km to Salisbury North, how many kilometres has he traveled if he ends up hiding out back of Ingle Farm Shopping Centre?



5. If Giuseppe burns his back with hot wax whilst removing excess hair, which relative is required to admit responsibility for the Motor Vehicle Accident that caused the fire leading to the injury?



6. Phan has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Dak Hoang for $85.00 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?



7. If Darren receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $600.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from Smithfield Wreckers?



8. If Soula needs 25ml of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 20 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 45?



9. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 4 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?



10. If Abdo runs a Kebab shop in Tea Tree Plaza and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?



11. If Marika strains a muscle in her neck whilst making souvlaki at Soula’s family birthday party, how long does she have to submit a WorkCover claim at Holden’s?



12. Abdo runs a Kebab shop in Tea Tree Plaza and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?



13. If Elizabeth's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, what is the maximum rate Rental Assistance is paid by Family Assistance Office?



14. Quang is pimping three girls. If the price is $45.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $300 per day crack habit?



15. If there are 3 active Elizabeth Police Patrols, one driving a Commodore SS, one driving a Falcon XR6 and one on a Motorbike, what are the chances of Police attending a Break-in in Progress call within 24 Hours? (Hint; remember to include time taken to put speed gun away in calculations)



16. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Salisbury East to Mansfield Park, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 11 people in his Valiant at any one given time?



17. If Mario's dad has the top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:

a) 1 metre away .....................................%
b 3 metres away .%
c) in a standard police line-up ..................%



Bonus Logic Question



18. Michelle has 6 Children. She is 6 months pregnant to Seb who lives with his Father in Salisbury Downs. Michelle has 4 Girls and 2 boys. None of the children’s fathers are paying Child Support. Two of the girls have blonded hair, One girl has red hair and the youngest is still brunette; One of the boys has a tight black afro and One boy has a multi-colored mullet. Both boy’s fathers and the redheaded girl’s father are doing time in Yatala. The eldest child was born in 1999, her father is a Gypsy Joker, and the youngest born in March 2004, his father being a Hells Angel. Michelle does not advise Family Assistance office that her lover Ng is currently living with her and Ng’s eleven family members are each paying her $35 rent to reside in the garden shed. Michelle’s natural father was born in custody to a third generation Australian of Croatian origin, his name listed as Johnny B. Michelle’s Grandmother shared a cell with a woman who emigrating from Ireland in 1942 and was able to provide sufficient evidence to Social Security that she had Aboriginal ancestry?



What would be the total value of welfare payments Michelle is entitled to receive per fortnight when the twins are born?

smerl
19-03-2005, 06:52 AM
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.

reelcrazy
20-03-2005, 11:31 AM
A Navy fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?

He explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well", explains the pilot, "it
says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing
panties!"

The pilot taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

zedjack33
23-03-2005, 03:37 AM
Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire" and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of
£500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "But to
get
the $1million, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question...will you have a go?"




"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"




"OK. The question is, 'Which of the following birds does NOT build
its
own nest?

(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline
and phone m' friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.







"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with da
Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer? Lock it in?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in"

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo
is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo
that
doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know fook-all about birds."

"Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin' Cuckoo
lives
in a clock!"

Dug
23-03-2005, 06:52 PM
(Q) What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad parachutist?

(A) A bad golfer goes "THWACK......OH DAM!"

A bad Parachutist goes "OH DAM!......THWACK"

Goodoochaser
01-04-2005, 04:48 PM
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says,"Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says, As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by
this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

Dug
03-04-2005, 07:19 AM
SOUL QUIRKS





The Sedentary Prayer



God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know when the best I can do is to stay up watching X-Files reruns with a bucket of KFC,a slab of beer, a pint of Haagen Dazs and a carton of Marlboros.

bungie
11-04-2005, 01:15 PM
The following is the text of a message which was communicated to President George W Bush at 07:30 (EST) today:


NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

bungie
11-04-2005, 02:30 PM
A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world . . .
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

bungie
11-04-2005, 02:55 PM
About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the trucks and large vehicles there were two large figures that were dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Near by a Navajo sheep herder and his son where watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate, and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand someone translated the message: "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

bungie
11-04-2005, 03:10 PM
WARNING

A scam is being pulled, mainly on older men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this: They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

bungie
11-04-2005, 03:45 PM
Thought for today...

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, but absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

bungie
11-04-2005, 03:48 PM
Bush cost me my job, my kids and my houses

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.

They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.

This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.

Not a single government program was there to help me.

How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.

While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.

And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.

If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!

Regards,
Saddam Hussein

bungie
11-04-2005, 03:56 PM
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully aged 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in - and things just started to go downhill from there.

bungie
11-04-2005, 04:09 PM
A friend of a friend was asked by her gran to look after her budgie so the old dear could keep her usual Wednesday-afternoon appointment with the hairdresser.

The young woman decided to bird-sit with her new boyfriend, and as they waved the elderly lady off, he came up with the idea to give the bird a treat, reasoning that it must have been ages since it had been allowed to fly around.

After checking that no doors or windows were open and that the cat was out of the room, he opened the cage door and encouraged the bird to stretch its wings. The timid thing took some enticing, so long ago had it last tasted freedom, but then it gathered itself, sidled over to the door, and burst upwards, flying and flapping around in a small feathery frenzy.

Alas, its over-enthusiasm, combined with a novice's grasp of aerobatics, proved costly. For in a crazed bid for even greater liberty, it flew head-long at the large double-glazed patio doors, smashed into the glass and tumbled to the floor.

Luckily, it was still alive, though its leg was quite clearly broken. What would Granny say! The young couple resolved to apply first-aid and come clean with her. Ingeniously, the bloke produced a box of matches from his pocket and, taking a reel of cotton, delicately bound one stick around the distraught budgie's damaged leg as a splint. Then he gently lowered the bird back inside its cage.

Tragically, the boyfriend had not known about the sandpaper floor of the cage, and as the poor budgerigar shuffled over to nibble its dried cuttlefish, the match struck, and the poor thing was engulfed in flames.

max_power
12-04-2005, 05:33 AM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful and very young woman at his side;
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him -
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something VERY special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.......
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque -
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good -so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very perplexed and disappointed jeweler phoned the old man; "There's no money in that account sir?."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!?"

megafish71
12-04-2005, 01:47 PM
>This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US
Naval
> >ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, in October 1995.

> > CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to
avoid collision.
> > AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North,
to avoid a collision.

> > CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

> > AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

> > CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your
course.

> > AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST
> >SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
> >DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT
YOU
> >CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES
NORTH,
OR
> >COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

> > CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Bosunsmate
12-04-2005, 03:31 PM
After having their 11th child, a Tassie couple decided that enough was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian & told him that he & his wife/cousin, didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a huge firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear & count to 10.

The Tasmanian said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a huge firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me" said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firecracker, put it in a beer can, held the can up to his ear, & began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

.....at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, & resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Ireland, & New Zealand.

Dano
13-04-2005, 09:03 AM
A boy is colouring in a picture at school with a red crayon.He asked his teacher for a purple crayon and she says how dare you I never want to see your face here again go to the princable.So he gets to the office and the lady says why are you here and he says because I asked my teacher for a purple crayon and she says how dare you I never want to see your face here again Your expelled.He gets home and his parents say your home early why and he says I asked my teacher for a purple crayon and his parents say how dare you I never want to see you face here again and gets sent to a boys home.At the boys home the guard says why are you here and he says I asked my teacher for a purple crayon and he says how dare im sending you to prison.10 years pass and he gets out of prison and crosses the street and gets hit by a bus what is the moral to this story ???

Look both ways before crossing the street
-Dano

Volvo
14-04-2005, 08:23 AM
Wullie fae Aberdeenshire walks into his house with a sheep tucked under
his arm.

He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his 16 stone wife,
Morag, is in bed, reading the 'Peoples Friend'.

"This," says Wullie, " is the pig I've been shaggin' when you're nae
aboot."

"Wullie," the wife says, "That's nae a pig. That's a sheep."

"Haud yer tounge woman," says Wullie. "I wisnae talking to you."

Volvo
15-04-2005, 07:23 AM
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "
I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out then returned a few moments later with a beautiful tabby cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from
its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$300!" she cried.
"$300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. Ifyou'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

::) :-X

max_power
15-04-2005, 09:06 AM
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a F#*@ing liar!!!!!!!"

Volvo
16-04-2005, 03:49 PM
A Kiwi walks into his local Centrelink office, marches straight up to
The counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on the dole. I'd really rather have a job."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur come bodyguard for his 18 year old nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting Salary is $200,000 a year".The guy says, "You're bullshitting me,bro !"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

:-[ 8)

stubbie
17-04-2005, 10:03 AM
A guy walks into a bar with a tarmac under his arm and says to the barman a beer thanks mate and one for the road

NQCairns
19-04-2005, 04:49 PM
DR. DAVE.....

>

>Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day

>long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The

>guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while

>he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't

>worry about it.

>

>You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their

>patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..

>

>

>

>" But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

>whispering:......

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>Dave.............

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>..............you're a vet".

Dignity
21-04-2005, 03:26 PM
the older you get..........

feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip
replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have
bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!
------------------------------------------
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex
drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man.
"That's why I want it lowered!"
------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and
make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First,she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that.
I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

Dug
21-04-2005, 05:46 PM
KFC to celebrate the election of the new Pope.

Releases the Rat Zinger burger.

sorry for that one :-[

zedjack33
25-05-2005, 04:35 AM
A Preacher and his wife are taking a drive in the country, when they come up on a old country store with a big sign saying "Dickens Apple Cider" so they decide to stop for a drink.

And to their surprise they liked it so much they took several cases back home with them to give to family and friends of the church.

It's said to this day that it was so tasty that the preacher's wife can't even get out of bed on Sunday for church without a little Dickens Cider!

[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]
[smiley=jester.gif]

Volvo
25-05-2005, 05:42 AM
Morals

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parent to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your
eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen
eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to her story is,'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way
down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of
100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the
blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
::) :-X

Volvo
25-05-2005, 08:08 AM
Tonto Papadopoulos

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman.
He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says
that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the
best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?"
"Tonto Papadopulos" he replies .."Nice to meet you."
8) :-X

Dignity
25-05-2005, 02:44 PM
Earthquake Rocks Ipswich.

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale, has hit Australia in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre believed to be in the South Eastern City of Ipswich.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly uttering, "F'kin ell" and "Whadda barsted".
The earthquake has completely decimated the area, leaving a damage bill expected to exceed more than $3000.Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Ipswich Progress Hall, were destroyed inthe quake.Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived. Brisbane radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer later in the morning".

The people of Ipswich are a resilient community and evidence of a full recovery can already been seen, with looting, muggings and car crime carrying on as normal.
The aid response from local charities has been swift. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include Centrelink booklets, Bronco tee shirts, Priceline jewellery and fine bone china from
Bi-Lo.

The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and clothing, to be air-dropped as parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.
Donations of clothing are in demand. Items most needed include baseball caps; tracksuit tops (his and hers); flannelette shirts (female); white sport socks; sturdy boots; and any other items usually sold in "Op" Shops.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include, Pluto Pups (Dagwood Dogs), doner kebabs, McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans of UDL Bourbon and Coke; Passion Pop and XXXX Bitter.
Charities are also accepting cash donations through any Liquorland outlet.
$0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, sausages, gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine; $10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Aid agencies have requested that no tents be sent into the affected suburb, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.


Cheers Sam

StevenM
28-05-2005, 06:03 AM
An old but a goodie with a twist.

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the wood to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her " If you release me from this trap , I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down.









The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women aren't as clever as they think they are! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this it only goes to show you never bloody listen!

Sportfish_5
28-05-2005, 05:45 PM
Hope this has not been posted already;

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
> (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) By
> maintenance engineers.
>
>
>
> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
> accident.
>
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
>
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're for.
>
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed
>
>
> And the best one for last..................
>
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget

reelcrazy
30-05-2005, 10:59 PM
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!!Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

reelcrazy
30-05-2005, 11:01 PM
A furniture dealer from Arkansas decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

_Matt_
31-05-2005, 12:10 PM
There was a small advertisement on the window of a little corner shop somewhere in Melbourne that read: “INDEPENDENT WIVES CLUB MEETING HERE TONIGHT AT 6PM”. So later on that night at 6pm along came 4 ladies to the meeting, Sally was the conductor of the meeting & the others were all housewives, 1 Aussie lady, 1 New Zealand Maori lady & 1 British lady.

Sally the conductor began to talk with the ladies about how they felt their husbands contributed to housework and the general treatment their husbands gave them. The general consensus of the group was that their husbands were just not pulling their weight around the house as much as they should have been.

She proceeded to go on with ways in which the ladies could confront their husbands in an effort to get them to contribute better around the house. She asked the ladies to try the different methods she had talked about during the next week, and to come back next week to discuss how it all went.

So on went the week and before they knew it they were back at the Independent wives Club Meeting again to discuss how things went. Sally asked each lady one by one how they had gone.

The British lady said:
We’ll after I spoke to my husband, the first day I could see improvements in the way he spoke to me. The second day I could see that he was picking things up after himself. The third day I could see him making an effort to cook dinner.

Well said Sally that sounds wonderful, she then asked the Aussie lady how she went.

The Aussie lady said:
After I spoke to my husband, the first day I could see that he made an effort to clean & dust around the house. The second day I could see that he had mowed and planted a nice little garden bed for me in the front yard. The third day I could see that he was doing all of the washing & ironing of the clothes.

That’s fantastic said Sally, she then asked the New Zealand lady how she was going.

The New Zealand Lady said:
After I spoke to my husband, the first day I could see nothing. The second day I could see a little bit out of my left eye….

Hoges
01-06-2005, 05:04 AM
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World

NQCairns
01-06-2005, 06:52 AM
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN....
>>
>>1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
>>
>>2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
>>
>>3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
>>
>>4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
>>
>>5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
>>They don't have e-mail addresses.
>>
>>6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in
>>a business manner.
>>
>>7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" to get an
>>outside line.
>>
>>8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
>>Different companies.
>>
>>10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.
>>
>>11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
>>
>>12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see
>>if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
>>
>>13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
>>screen.
>>
>>14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have
>>the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
>>and
>>you turn around to go and get it.
>>
>>15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
>>
>>16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
>>
>>17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>>
>>18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
>>message.
>>
>>19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
>>
>>20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
>>list.
>>
>>AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your
>>friends....you know you want to!

reelcrazy
09-06-2005, 09:09 AM
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend thought about it and decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

The blonde let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box.

The boyfriend turned to the blonde and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he sighed................

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Hoges
09-06-2005, 06:18 PM
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES




Your are kidding! That was so lame you deserve this one...

A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?"

"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree."

"Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?"

"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!"

The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief.

"Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."

Hoges
09-06-2005, 09:20 PM
::)
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"

Volvo
12-06-2005, 08:09 AM
50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. "Ken I hev a volunteer." Please??..
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?" After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then all 50,000 Kiwis Start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media
here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."
So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!" Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened. Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?" Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

reelcrazy
14-06-2005, 11:42 PM
Says it all...

Dignity
16-06-2005, 02:57 PM
A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please.. don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work.
However, one of our Assistants has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Assistant?"
A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued.
"For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"

adriancorrea
20-06-2005, 05:31 PM
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than
any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top
of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?



At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People
stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is klogged UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word
UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the
many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth.


When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing
you do at night? -------


U P

Received this in an email

Tight Lines
Adrian

adriancorrea
20-06-2005, 05:37 PM
Heres another one I got, dont know if its true or not

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Bradenton. They hired Him, because he was so honest and funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right Woman (or at
least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do You have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House
Sweepstakes, so they tell Me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job -- no, on my breaks -- no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh Yes! Yes, Absolutely

Tight Lines
Adrian

SIRO
22-06-2005, 05:07 PM
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you
can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget "

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

" Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"



Sorry , thats bad for a first post hey ???

NeilD
23-06-2005, 05:16 AM
:P At least you can only get better from here [smiley=bigcry.gif].
Welcome to the site [smiley=2thumbsup.gif]

Neil

Dignity
23-06-2005, 04:35 PM
Didn't let Pepe make a pig of himself - sorry couldn't help it, welcome

Sam

jimbamb
24-06-2005, 06:59 AM
Dignity,
You tryin to HOG the limelight???????

SCOTTYGC
24-06-2005, 07:39 AM
A man had great tickets for the State of Origin Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says. "The seat is empty".

This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the State of Origin, the biggest sporting event in Australia, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first State of Origin we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"


The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

szopen
26-06-2005, 02:10 PM
A man walks into a shop and asks for a pack of cigaretts.
Shop assistant gives him a pack.

Man looks at the warning:
SMOKING CIGARETTES CAUSES IMPOTENCE.

Gives the pack back and asks:

Could you give me some of these that cause cancer?

basserman
01-07-2005, 11:59 AM
This could happen to you: I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other bathroom stall saying, "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"


And the other person said, "So, what are you up to?"


What kind of question is that? At this point, I was thinking this was too bizarre, so I said, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"


At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could, when I heard another question. "Can I come over?"


Okay, this question was just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I told the person, "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"


Then I heard the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

szopen
01-07-2005, 12:18 PM
A couple went to see a doctor as the husband was feeling pretty bad.
After checking the patient doctor goes out of the room and tells his wife:

Your husband is suffering from a very serious stress realted problems. What you must do is make sure that his life is much less stressful. Cook him nice food everyday, let him watch TV and drink beer as much as he wants, make sure that he goes fishing few times a week, do not get into any discussions that might get him upset, have sex at least 3 times a week. With all of this there might be improvement in his situation in a couple of months.

On the way home husband asks his wife: what did the doctor say?
She replied: you are going to die...

Fishin_Dan
05-07-2005, 01:19 PM
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.



You are in Darwin, NT to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.



You move closer . . .



Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's John Howard.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.

You have two options -
1) You can save the life of "Little Johnny"

or

2) You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of the Australian Prime Minister.



So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

blaze
05-07-2005, 02:01 PM
BLACK AND WHITE

DNO40
09-07-2005, 05:33 AM
THE OIL CRISIS

A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple
answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't
know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is
located in Bass Strait and off the coast of W.A..

Our dipsticks are located in Canberra.

basserman
09-07-2005, 07:42 AM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Stu
10-07-2005, 04:20 PM
Heres an oldie.

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food.

But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!!
Ees not a Bacon Tree!"

Scroll Down, it ' s worth it !


"Ees... a.... Ham bush"

:-X :-X :) :) :)

Stu
10-07-2005, 04:24 PM
Another

dasher
10-07-2005, 06:50 PM
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few drinks, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop." ;D

dasher
10-07-2005, 06:58 PM
. You suddenly realize who it is. It's John Howard.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.

You have two options #-
1) You can save the life of "Little Johnny"

or

2) You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of the Australian Prime Minister.



So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?


Oh please Dan, neither option is feasible mate, how the hell can you take a photo when you are scrambling for a long stick to push him further out. ??? ::) ;D ;D ;D

zedjack33
12-07-2005, 03:49 AM
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. Until
he saw a seven foot Grizzly charging towards him and he ran, looking
over his shoulder he saw the bear closing in on him, he tripped and fell
to the ground and he saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at
him. "Oh my God" he cried. At that instant time stopped. The bear froze.
The forest was silent. Then that bright light, shone apon the man and a
voice came out of the sky intoning "you deny my existance for all of
these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this? Am I to count
you as a believer? The atheist looked directly into the light "it would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian
now, but could you perhaps make the bear a Christian?" Very well said
the voice and the light went out and the sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear lowered his paw bowed his head and spoke "Lord bless this
food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful".


[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

MulletMan
12-07-2005, 05:18 AM
Two flies are sitting on a big heap od S*it.
One lifts his leg and lets a very credible Fa*t
The other says "Do you mind? I'm eating here!"

wacco_fozzy
13-07-2005, 10:15 AM
Far away in the tropical waters of the Great Barrier Reef, two prawns lived. One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed by the sharks that inhabited the area and finally one day, Justin said to Christian "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"

A large, mysterious cod appeared and said "your wish is granted". Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Christian immediately bolted, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark to be lonely and boring, as all of his old mates swam away in fear as soon as he turned up. Justin didn't realise it was his appearance that was the cause of his plight.

Swimming along one day he spotted the mysterious cod again and Justin begged to be changed back into a prawn. In a twinkling, his wish was granted.

Joyfully, Justin headed back to his old haunts and greeted his friends. "Where's my old mate Christian?" he asked of the gathering. "He's at home, still upset his best friend turned into a shark" came the reply.

Justin set off to Christians abode. He banged on the door of Christians burrow and shouted " It's me, Justin, your old mate. Come on out and we'll have a drink!"

"No way man" came the reply, "You're a shark and you'll eat me if I come out. You can't fool me".

Justin replied " No, that was the old me. I've changed!"
*
*
*
*
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"

NQCairns
16-07-2005, 06:50 PM
Which of the two birds is a female?
Below are two birds. Study them closely......... See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

Volvo
16-07-2005, 07:16 PM
Feck :o they is a nice coupla muddies there dasher.....I confess i have been a Naughty Boy :-[ :'( :P...

Dignity
18-07-2005, 04:04 PM
The following comes from the Darwin Awards site. This pair apparently were trying to remove them selves from the gene pool but failed to get the award.

September 2004, Arkansas
My son is a rescue diver with our local sheriff's department. About two months ago, they were called out for an mergency rescue of several people who had fallen in the water, after their boat had tipped over.
When the rescue team arrived at the scene, other boaters had pulled two men out of the water and onto their boat. Two other cloth covered items were seen floating in the river.
When the rescue team entered the water, they found that these were not bodies.
The story was that the two men that were pulled out of the water had decided to do a little fishing. Bass fishermen spend tens of thousands of dollars outfitting their specialized boats with fancy electronic fish finders and other gear, and sometimes make the boats into floating palaces, with seats
that recline while they're waiting for the big one to strike. But not everyone can afford the best.
These two fishermen had to make do with a 14-foot, flat-bottom jon boat, a kind of skiff. Wanting to be comfortable, and not having the money for a real bass boat, these two dim bulbs decided to put a couple of La-Z-boy recliners on their boat. They must have barely had enough room left of their
supply of beer. Needless to say, they both decided to recline at the same time, and you can figure out the rest of the story.
My son said that they and the rest of the rescue team were laughing so hard that they could hardly do their job.

wacco_fozzy
20-07-2005, 06:30 AM
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of 3 to 6 a day.

So one day, Farmer John called the Police and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens!"

"What do you want me to do?" asked the officer.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So, the next day, the police officer had the local council workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW - SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the police again and said "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster".

So, again, the officer sends out the council workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for 3 weeks. Finally he asked the officer "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The officer told him, "Sure, put up your own sign". He was willing to just about anything to get Farmer John to stop calling every day.

The officer got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the better of the officer and he decided to call Farmer John. "How's the problem with the drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did, and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy". He hung up the phone.

The officer was really curious now and decided to pay Farmer John a visit, check out the sign and decide whether it was something they could put in other 'black spots' around the area.

So the officer drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood: NUDIST COLONY - GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS.

NQCairns
21-07-2005, 07:01 AM
This was sent to me by a woman ;D - it's good one

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Dignity
21-07-2005, 02:11 PM
Road Rage------

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did
the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten
the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as
she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she
was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

wacco_fozzy
26-07-2005, 10:01 AM
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde,who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff: grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded!! Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!"
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s#!t?"

Dignity
26-07-2005, 03:47 PM
Farmer buys a new rooster to service his hens as the old one is getting a bit slow. The young rooster decides to take over the barn from the old rooster.
The old rooster says "Hey how about you just leave those 2 old pullets over there".

"No way, I'm going to rule the roost" he replies.

"I tell you what" says the old rooster "how about I race you around the house and he who wins gets the lot."

As the young rooster laughs he says "tell you what and old geezer like you wouldn't stand a chance."

"Welllll, you could give me a 15 second start"

"you're on"

The old rooster start running around the house and 15 seconds later follows the young one. They just get in front of the house when the farmer who is sitting on the porch picks up his shotgun and bam, shoots the young rooster. While the feathers and dust settles the farmer curses "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"

basserman
26-07-2005, 04:09 PM
Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.


As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.


Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.


Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.


Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"


"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last yer."

wacco_fozzy
28-07-2005, 05:13 AM
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's {2005} winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


Glibido: All talk and no action.


Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Cruiser
29-07-2005, 03:57 AM
For those of you who have spent much time in the hospital, either as a#patient, an employee or a visitor, you may appreciate this true story:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask#over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,#four#hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here#to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,#she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the# covers. She#raises his gown, holds his ##### in one hand and his testicles in#the#other.

Then,#she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,#"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very#closely......

#A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

max_power
29-07-2005, 10:00 AM
Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball
almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones
have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

zedjack33
30-07-2005, 09:13 AM
>The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
>Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
>the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
>been such a good man and your motorcycles have
>changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
>out with anyone you want to in heaven."
>Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
>said, "I want to hang out with God."
>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
>introduced him to God.
>God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
>you were the one who invented the
>Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
>Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
>God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
>inventing something that's pretty unstable,
>makes noise and pollution and can't run without
>a road?"
>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
>spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor
>of woman?"
>God said, " Ah, yes."
>"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to
>professional, you have some major design flaws
>in your invention:
> 1. There's too much inconsistency in the
> front-end protrusion
>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
>3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too
> much
>4. The intake is placed way too close to the
> exhaust
>5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
> "Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
> replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
> in a few words and waited for the results. The
> computer printed out a slip of paper and God
> read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is
>flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
>these numbers, more men are riding my invention
>than yours

zedjack33
30-07-2005, 09:14 AM
;D

agnes_jack
30-07-2005, 09:31 AM
Zedjack
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Hoges
31-07-2005, 05:01 AM
A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college... perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second-grade teacher."

Hoges
01-08-2005, 05:40 AM
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

chanquetas
01-08-2005, 06:01 AM
A kiwi, an aussie, an attractive young madamoiselle and an old
fraulein are travelling in a train compartment through the Alps.
They enter a tunnel and suddenly a loud slap rings out.
When they get to the end of the tunnel there is a nice red hand
print on the kiwi's face.
The fraulein thinks:
"I bet that young man made a move on the madamoiselle and got a slap."
The madamoiselle thinks:
"I expect he tried to grope me and got the old woman instead."
The kiwi thinks:
"I bit thet duckhid aussie tried to grope thet attrectuv gel and she
wecked me by mustake."
The aussie thinks:
"Can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that kiwi again."

buildbne
01-08-2005, 06:52 AM
this is too good

Hoges
03-08-2005, 10:58 AM
Here are some of the greatest ever cricketing sledges.

Hope you enjoy ;D

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to
the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my
kids?"

2. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played &
missed: "You can't f*cking bat".
Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv,
we make a fine pair... I can't f*cking bat & you can't f*cking
bowl."

3. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor.
A few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv
called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

4. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word
to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries.
"This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my
culture we just bowl."
Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the
batsman:"In my culture we just say f*ck off."

5. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine
microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly
hot night during a one dayer in Sydney ... "You don't get a runner
for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!"

6. Shane Warne & Daryll Cullinan:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had
been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him.
"Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

7. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes:
After Br! andes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie
bowler politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?"
"Cos every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes
replied.

8. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock:
After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries,
Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces."
Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the
ground.
Ponting to Pollock: "You know what it looks like, now go find it."

philip_thomson
03-08-2005, 11:12 AM
i love it

Javed miandad = a jar of vegimite for me and dad :-)
Wasim Akram = was he a crim

(from the 12th man cd)

love them all

zedjack33
03-08-2005, 11:15 AM
aw that is just so f$#@ing funny.
Nice work Hoges

Golf clap people.

westie
04-08-2005, 05:41 PM
A woman goes into Wal Mart to buy a fishing rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over
to the counter. A Wal Mart associate is standing there wearing dark
shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
"That's a six-foot Sharpe graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on
sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse! , her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh,
that sounds like a American Express card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the
blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50, please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me
it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am: The rod and reel are $20.00, the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50........"

Hoges
04-08-2005, 05:50 PM
Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue, then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, just to add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs

4 to say we've seen this post here before.

adriancorrea
04-08-2005, 09:18 PM
LOL
Good one hoges :D ;)

Funny how Construction Workers can teach a little girl.

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
they take the two-dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those #######s at Home Depot ever deliver the f---ing sheet rock..."

Hoges
05-08-2005, 05:12 AM
Six Engineers and a train

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.


So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket says one perplexed Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

;D

wacco_fozzy
06-08-2005, 08:16 AM
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.............your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

wacco_fozzy
06-08-2005, 08:35 AM
A guy comes staggering out of the desert, into a small market. Crawling up to the first tent, he begs for water.

"So sorry", the stall owner replies, " I only sell sponge cake". Crawling onto the next tent, he asks for water again only to be told "I only sell custard". On his last legs he fronts up to the third tent to be told "Sorry, I only sell jam".

Frustrated, he crawls away. As he tops the dune leading out of the market, he looks back and says to himself "That was a trifle bazaar!"

harry_h01
06-08-2005, 09:50 AM
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

"Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

Sooo he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a%se and go as a f***ing toffee apple"

harry_h01
06-08-2005, 10:12 AM
Marriage - Part I
A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

1). "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at the time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.
2). I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
3). I'll go hunting, fishing, drinking and card-playing when I want with my buddies and don't you ever complain about it.

"Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's all just fine with me. But please understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .......... whether you're here or not."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************

Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

westie
07-08-2005, 03:47 PM
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for
his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price,
the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie
home.


He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model
it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modelling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday

megamont
08-08-2005, 09:36 PM
Gess Hoo

major-defect
09-08-2005, 12:20 AM
WOW he seems to float upwards to.

DNO40
09-08-2005, 05:11 AM
Amazing

Hoges
09-08-2005, 05:58 AM
;D
Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?"

"Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
::)

matthill80
09-08-2005, 05:18 PM
lmao hoges

agnes_jill
10-08-2005, 11:50 AM
;D ;D

Hoges
10-08-2005, 02:31 PM
Proof That The World is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(a brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.(much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(but of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(from drinking little bottles of ... ?)
(did the government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(and I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

megamont
10-08-2005, 04:41 PM
Yeh All.


Whow !



> A West Aussie who was working on contract for 3
> months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
> Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
>
> He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a
> round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
> announces his wife back home has just produced a
> typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
>
> Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25
> pounds, but the West Aussie just shrugs, "That's about
> average in WA. Like I said, my boy is a typical West
> Aussie baby boy.
>
> Congratulations showered him from all around and many
> exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard. One
> woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
>
> Two weeks later the West Aussie returns to the bar.
> The bartender says "You're the father of that typical
> West Aussie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
> Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in
> 2 weeks we were going to call you. So, how much does
> he weigh now?
>
> The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
>
> The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What
> happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
>
>
> The West Aussie father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from
> his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
> onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him
> circumcised mate"

megamont
13-08-2005, 09:13 AM
>> >Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour
>> >peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced youngster
>> >was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there Johnny?
>> >"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully without looking up,
>> >"and I`ve just buried him."
>> >The neighbour was very concerned. "That`s an awfully big hole for a
>> >goldfish isn`t it?"
>> >Johnny patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That`s because
>> >he`s inside your f....in' cat."

marlinj
17-08-2005, 04:42 AM
The Difference Between Guts & Balls......

- Coming home from a late night on the piss with your mates,smelling of boos and lip stick on your collor and your wife is still up sweeping and a abusivly says 'Your late, where have you been,what have you been up to'.

And you have the Guts to say 'You still cleaning'

- coming home from a late night out with your mates, smelling of boos and lipstick on your collor. Looking at your wife....

And you have the balls to slap her on the ass and say
'Righto love your next'

Hoges
18-08-2005, 04:11 AM
::) Apologies if I or someone else has posted this before.... :-X

One fine Sundee morning a Collingwood supporter was hooking into some tasty yum cha in Chinatown.
After an hour or so he decided to walk off his now full belly & took a leisurely stroll through Chinatown.
Walking down Little Bourke Street (or as we like to think of it - David Street) he noticed an antique shop, almost hidden, down a side alley & decided to investigate.
Picking through the dusty objects on display & going through old boxes quicker than Burt Reynolds, a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye.
Picking it up he asks the old white haired Chinaman how much for the sculpture.
"Ten dorrar for rat" the old man smiles ".....and one hundled dorrar for story behind it."
"You can keep the story old man" laughs the Collingwood supporter "but I'll take the rat!" & he chucks him a tenner.
Looking at his watch the Collingwood supporter heads for Flinders Street Station.
But ten steps out of the shop he hears a scurrying behind him.
Turning he discovers 2 live rats following him.
Picking up his pace he turns back onto Little Bourke Street. Looking over his shoulder though he finds 6 live rats following him!
Nervously he starts to jog towards Swanston Walk. But as he passes each drain opening more & more rats join in the chase.
Pretty soon he has broken into a sprint with an army of rats in tow. There are hundreds if not thousands ovvem!!
Sweating & frantic he bolts towards the Yarra but the rats are beginning to catch up.
With his last desperate breath he leaps towards a lamp-post by the river's edge & grabs it with his free hand whilst thrusting the bronze rat sculpture into the middle of the Yarra. Shaking & still clinging to the post he watches in amazement as the seething tide of chasing rats all dive into the Yarra after the sculpture & drown.
Regaining his composure & calming his nerves the Collingwood supporter heads back to the Chinatown antique shop.
"Ahhhhh so, you come back for story?" the old man grins wisely.
"No!" says the Collingwood supporter. "I was wondering if you have a sculpture of a Carlton supporter!"

major-defect
18-08-2005, 06:20 AM
My stomach hurts after laughing through that squirrel story. ;

bungie
18-08-2005, 06:43 AM
Same here, its very well written :)

bungie
18-08-2005, 11:29 AM
A middle-aged women decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No, I won't", she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

bidkev
18-08-2005, 11:52 AM
Subject: NINE MONTHS LATER

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
-
-
-
-
Spoiler-
-
-

"She just died and left me everything."

bungie
18-08-2005, 12:02 PM
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar
gun on the
other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the
car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, " I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch,
until it's about 6 feet wide."
"and just what do you do with a 6 foot rectum?" he asked
To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

bungie
18-08-2005, 12:10 PM
This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

bungie
18-08-2005, 12:20 PM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

SCOTTYGC
18-08-2005, 12:27 PM
hope this works

SCOTTYGC
18-08-2005, 12:29 PM
nope
bugger

bungie
18-08-2005, 12:31 PM
Neighborhood Hazard
(or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street Anymore)
Author: Daniel Meyer

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect ...I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH ! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least.

The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing.

The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger ... That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids.

bidkev
18-08-2005, 04:24 PM
;D

Hoges
19-08-2005, 12:45 PM
;D Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars".

"What does that tell you?" "Watson
,
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerfill and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiflil day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you ########, some bastard has stolen our tent." :'(

Hoges
19-08-2005, 03:13 PM
;D
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman,
who sat calmly in his seat without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
:D

bidkev
21-08-2005, 01:55 PM
Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it
up,and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a telstra call centre near you.

megamont
22-08-2005, 08:28 PM
Apartment for Rent


A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500 ... so they did.

Before he left, he told her that he didn’t have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque as soon as he got to the office and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he began to regret what he had done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price, so he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed you will find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:-
1) It had never been occupied.
2) That there was plenty of heat.
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:-
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, but you need to know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Please now send the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your present landlady.

megamont
26-08-2005, 10:28 AM
>>
>>Oil Crisis
>>
>>>A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage
>>>here in our country.
>>>Well, there's a very simple answer.
>>>Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting
>>>low.
>>>The reason for that is purely geographical.
>>>Our oil is located in Bass Strait and off the coast of W.A..
>>>Our dipsticks are located in Canberra.
>> ;D ;D ;D

Fishin_Dan
26-08-2005, 01:26 PM
INDIAN RHAPSODY - Make sure you sing the tune while you read it!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh oooooooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh ooooh
This korma is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.

[guitar solo]

I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again (There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!

[guitar solo]

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ooooooh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.

[guitar solo]

[slow bit]

Korma or dupizza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
Any way the wind blows.... (shshshsh)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beggsy
26-08-2005, 04:22 PM
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

mackmauler
30-08-2005, 12:05 AM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/audio/dirtyturban.html

philip_thomson
30-08-2005, 02:26 PM
lmao rob its great ;D

DaneCross
30-08-2005, 03:19 PM
DOWN ON THE FARM

A little boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. Not yet, said the little boy. #
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry #cereal.
How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
"Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. #I saw you kick the cow, so for a week, you aren't getting any milk.
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You gonna tell him or should I?"

DNO40
30-08-2005, 09:36 PM
Very Good DC

Hoges
30-08-2005, 09:56 PM
;D
Harry went to the Australian Tax Office for a job interview. The interviewer looked at his resume and asked him, "Have you worked for the government before?"

"Yes, I served 8 years in the army."

"Good, that counts in your favour. Do you have any disabilities?"

"I am 80% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have good news for you. I can hire you immediately. Our working hours are 8.00 to 4.00. Come on in about 10 tomorrow, and we'll get you started."

"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"This is a government department. We don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point you coming in for that."
::)

ahjayem
31-08-2005, 11:25 PM
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a fancy solid gold urinal.

Back at the ranch that afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think”, he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible*!" Later that week when Laura had lunch with Hillary on her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That night when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "Guess what? I found out who piddled in your saxophone”.

* This is not a typing error – it’s George’s use of language.

Fishin_Dan
02-09-2005, 10:06 AM
Qantas and Air New Zealand have sent out a short marketing campaign about a merger of the 2 airlines.


<Sorry if this offends>

zedjack33
02-09-2005, 01:53 PM
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"



Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.



Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting......




"Dopey sh*gged a penguin!"
"Dopey sh*gged a penguin!" [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

robersl
02-09-2005, 06:14 PM
man gets on a flight in townsville has a bag full of mud crabs ,the flight attend say excuse me sir but you can not have those mud crabs at your seat however i can put them in the galley for you and when we land in brisbane i will give them back to you, ok says the man hands over the crabs the plane is on final approach to brisbane airport and the hostess can not remember who gave her the mud crabs in townsville, so she gets on the inter com and says would the man who gave me the crabs in townsville please come forward , the whole plane burst into laughter and no one moved and that is a true story ;D ;D ;D


shane

Punkin
03-09-2005, 06:33 AM
man gets on a flight in townsville has a bag full of mud crabs ,the flight attend say excuse me sir but you can not have those mud crabs at your seat however i can put them in the galley for you and when we land in brisbane i will give them back to you, ok says the man hands over the crabs the plane is on final approach to brisbane airport and the hostess can not remember #who gave her the mud crabs in townsville, so she gets on the inter com and says would the man who gave me the crabs in townsville please come forward , the whole plane burst into laughter and no one moved and that is a true story ;D ;D ;D


shane


Did it happen in November two years ago?

I reckon i know the crab-passing culprit and i reckon you all know him too ;D ;D

C'mon Dicko, fess up ;)

szopen
03-09-2005, 06:14 PM
Another flight joke.

On a plane in China a stewardese asks a tourist:
S: - Would you like a meal?
T: - What's the choice?
S: - Yes or Not....

zedjack33
05-09-2005, 07:46 AM
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in
a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."


So, he tied her up and went golfing. [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

major-defect
06-09-2005, 06:44 AM
It was recently found in a survey that 9 out of 10 city drivers yell f#*k when they are about to crash. While 9 out of 10 country drivers yell hold my bundy can and watch this.

zedjack33
06-09-2005, 07:18 AM
>A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
>party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
the
>party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and

>said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no
need
>for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume
and
>away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke
>Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her

>husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some
>fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with
him.
>So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
>cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he

>could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife
went
>up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new
>partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far
as
>he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he
>finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so
off
>they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back

>seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home
and
>put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation
>he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up
reading
>when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. Oh, the same
old
>thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then
she
>asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even
>danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some
other
>guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening" You

>must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
>night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,
>"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of
his
>life."
[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

Hoges
06-09-2005, 02:47 PM
;D loved the fancy dress one zedjack33! :)


Substitute your own relevant suburb if not a Mexican


News Flash: EARTHQUAKE ROCKS DANDENONG


A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale,
has hit Australia in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre
believed to be in the South Eastern City of Dandenong. Victims were seen
wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F'kin ell" and "Whadda carnt".
The earthquake has completely decimated the area, leaving a damage bill
expected to exceed more than $3000.



Several priceless collections, including mementos from
the Torana Appreciation Society and the Doveton Progress Hall, were
destroyed in the quake. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were
disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques
arrived. Melbourne radio reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact
that something interesting had happened in the area. One resident -
Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a
shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it
all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer later in the
morning".



The people of Dandenong are a resilient community and
evidence of a full recovery can already been seen, with looting,
muggings and car crime carrying on as normal.



The aid response from local charities has been swift.
The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the
area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching
through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal
belongings, which include Centrelink booklets, Saints tee shirts,
Priceline jewellery and fine bone china from Go-Lo.



The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and
clothing, to be air-dropped as parcels for those unfortunate to be
caught up in this disaster. Donations of clothing are in demand. Items
most needed include:



Baseball caps;

Tracksuit tops (his and hers);

Flannelette shirts (female);

White sport socks;

Sturdy boots; and

Any other items usually sold in "Op" Shops.



Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed
all the same. Required foodstuffs include:



Pluto Pups (Dagwood Dogs),

Doner kebabs,

McDonalds,

KFC,

Ice cream

Cans of UDL Bourbon and Coke;

Passion Pop

Victoria Bitter (stubbies or cans).



Charities are also accepting cash donations through any
Liquorland outlet.

$0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation
forms;

$5.00 buys chips, sausages, gherkins, crisps and blue
fizzy drinks for a family of nine; and

$10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a
lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.



Aid agencies have requested that no tents be sent into
the affected suburb, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the
population of the neighbouring areas.

megafish71
07-09-2005, 05:12 PM
GRANDMA'S LETTER
JUST A QUICK NOTE - OFF TO A GATHERING..
>
> with all my new ideas to spread the love!!
>
>
> The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk
> if
> you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that
> day
> because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by
> a
> thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my
> bumper.
>
> I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
> thought
> about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had
> changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he
> hadn't
> honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.
>
> Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
> crazy,
> and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God,
> GO!
> GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started
> honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling
> at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share
> in the love.
>
> There must have been a man from Queensland back there because I heard
> him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in
> a
> Funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked
> my
> teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was
> probably a Fijian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met
> anyone from Fiji, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck
> sign back.
>
> My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious
> experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
> moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
>
> I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
> when I
> noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and
> brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. - I noticed I
> was the only car that got through the intersection before the light
> changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all
> the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
> window and gave them all the Fijian good luck sign one last time as I
> drove away.
>
> Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

megafish71
07-09-2005, 05:26 PM
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mum and dads for the night.

In the morning, little johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if fred and mary are up yet.

She replies, "no".

Johnny asks, "do you know what I think? "

His mum replies, "never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "no."

Johnny says, "do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum says, "no."

Johnny asks, "do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "ok! What do you think?"

He says, "well, last night fred came in for the vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

megafish71
07-09-2005, 05:31 PM
A Somali arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr Australian for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am from Ireland.

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia.
The person says "I no Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderfull Australia. That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iraq, I am not an Australian.

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian
She says, "No, I am from New Zealand.

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The New Zealand lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at work."

Hoges
08-09-2005, 08:56 AM
;D
A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from pandanus tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No. No thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean……." He swallows excitedly, and tears start to form in his eyes..............................# .....

"…..I can check my e-mail from here?"
;)

zedjack33
09-09-2005, 07:52 AM
Indian Mating Season


Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.

"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really
big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of
the local newspaper read.............................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ........................................NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

harry_h01
09-09-2005, 10:03 AM
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay!" and took off like a bat out of hell!

Hoges
09-09-2005, 12:31 PM
International Rules for Blokes

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the
footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it
is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. End of story.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop girlie drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
LBW)
and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no
reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not own a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch ice Skating or men's
gymnastics. Ever

Fishin_Dan
09-09-2005, 01:43 PM
LOL @ Hoges! ;D

bidkev
10-09-2005, 12:27 PM
The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!". Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"



Moral of this story..



Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

westie
10-09-2005, 08:03 PM
When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded

that I take her out to some place expensive...................


So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!

bluewaterbandit
11-09-2005, 12:56 PM
iI am trying to get a picture on my profile have checked the help site but no can do any tips?

Hoges
13-09-2005, 10:31 AM
iI am trying to get a picture on my profile have checked the help site but no can do any tips?

...and you are asking on the Jokes page??? Try the HELP Forum.

:'(

OUCH! This was just sent to me by a Pommie mate (Guess we asked for it!)...

>:(



Before and After Test Match questions


Q What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common
A ( after 1st Test ) They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
A ( after 5th Test ) Both fumbled things they shouldn’t have done but ended up winners !

Q What is the height of optimism
A ( after 1st Test ) An English batsman applying sunscreen
A ( after 5th Test ) Hoping to play a good Aussie side

Q What would Glen McGrath be if he were an Englisman
A ( after 1st Test ) An All-rounder
A ( after 5th Test ) A pommie has-been.

Q What advantage do Pieterson, Strauss and Jones have over the rest of the England team
A ( after 1st Test ) At least they can say they’re not really English
A ( after 5th Test ) At least they don’t come from convict stock

Q What’s the English version of a Hat-Trick
A ( after 1st Test ) Three runs in three balls
A ( after 5th Test ) Consecutive wins over South Africa West Indies and Australia

Q what do you call and Englishmen with 100 runs against his name
A ( after 1st Test ) A Bowler
A ( after 5th Test ) An Ashes winner

Q Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player
A ( after 1st Test ) Because he was born in England
A ( after 5th Test ) Because he won’t get another easy series for another 15 months.

Q What does Ashes stand for
A ( after 1st Test ) Another Sad Horrific English Series
A ( after 5th Test ) Australia Sent Home Extremely Shamed

Q What’s the English version of LBW
A ( after 1st Test ) Lost, Beaten, Walloped
A ( after 5th Test ) Lost Beaten Wallabies

adriancorrea
13-09-2005, 06:47 PM
A dustman is going along the street picking up wheely bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so after a
quick look, he knocks on the door.

Eventually, a Japanese man answers.....

"Harro", he says.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toiret, I tol you". Says the Japanese man.

"Mate", says the dustman ...."you're misunderstanding me ....where's
your wheely bin?"

"OK, OK", says the Japanese guy. "I wheely bin having wank". ;)

Hoges
13-09-2005, 07:56 PM
"Mate", says the dustman ...."you're misunderstanding me ....where's
your wheely bin?"

"OK, OK", says the Japanese guy. "I wheely bin having wank". ;)



;D


That one is sooooo old!

:P

westie
13-09-2005, 07:56 PM
King Arthur and the Witch:


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

























Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!

adriancorrea
14-09-2005, 12:39 AM
Can cold water clean dishes?


This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia .



After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"


His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted .

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

Meet Coldwater.....................

Black_Rat
14-09-2005, 07:27 AM
>:(

fish2eat
14-09-2005, 11:19 AM
A husband and wife were talking when one of the dreaded subjects we all know about came up

W: If I died would you re-marry?
H: Nah, I don't think so
W: So...you don't like being married?
H (trapped again): Well yes I do, I suppose I might think about it
W: Would you let her move in to this house?
H: I suppose so, I can't afford to move
W: Would you let her sleep in our bed?
H: Well, its nearly new, I guess I would
W: So you'd let her use all our things, furniture and stuff?
H: .......yeah, I guess so
W: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
H: Nah, she's left handed.
:-[ :-[

Commodore
14-09-2005, 06:00 PM
Subject: The Irish

So this bloke goes into a shop and asks for Irish Sausages.
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"


"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask
me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me
if I was German?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask
me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was
Mexican ? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would
you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you
ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right

then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish

Sausages?"

>
>
>
>
>


The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Bunnings."

zedjack33
16-09-2005, 10:00 AM
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
called
a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The
mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form
and
then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the
maintenance engineers
(marked with an M).

(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never
had an
accident.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M:Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per
minute
descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like
a
midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget


[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

zedjack33
16-09-2005, 10:04 AM
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror,
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't
it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he
may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man
[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

Commodore
16-09-2005, 12:56 PM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes
off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks
by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man
replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me
explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you
called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool,
lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his
way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers
out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy
man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says
the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called
for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and
has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells,
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the
$500 membership fee." "But, sir," she replies, "you've
only here for a few hours and you haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

Hoges
16-09-2005, 09:32 PM
:)

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is: you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and
then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented motorcycles, eh?!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a
road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"

"Hmmmm, you have some good points there..."
replied God, "it may be true that my invention is flawed, but
according to my calculations, more men are riding my invention than yours!

::)

megamont
17-09-2005, 11:19 AM
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....

megamont
17-09-2005, 11:27 AM
http://img370.imageshack.us/img370/3303/pigeon0wc.jpg

megamont
17-09-2005, 12:08 PM
>> > > >> > >A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old
>> >son
>> > > >> > >playing
>> > > >> > >with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
>> >train
>> > > > stop
>> > > >> > >and
>> > > >> > >her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get
> the
>> >hell
>> > > >> > >off
>> > > >> > >now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of
> bitches
>> >who
>> > > >> > >are
>> > > >> > >getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going
>> > > >> > >down
>> >the
>> > > >> > >tracks."
>> > > >> > >
>> > > >> > >The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use
> that
>> >kind
>> > > >> > >of
>> > > >> > >language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and
> you
>> >are
>> > > >> > >to
>> > > >> > >stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
>> >your
>> > > >> > >train...but I want you to use nice language."
>> > > >> > >
>> > > >> > >Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
>> >playing
>> > > >> > >with
>> > > >> > >his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
>> > > >> > >say..."All
>> > > >> > >passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
>> > > >> > >your
>> >trip
>> > > >> > >was a
>> > > >> > >pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She
> heard
>> >her
>> > > >> > >little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
>> >remember,
>> > > >> > >there
>> > > >> > >is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
>> > > >> > >and
>> > > >> > >relaxing
>> > > >> > >journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child
>> >added,
>> > > >> > >"For
>> > > >> > >those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
>> > > >> > >please
>> >see
>> > > > the
>> > > >> > >bitch in the kitchen...."

megamont
17-09-2005, 12:11 PM
>> > woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
>> > I've
>> >been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
>> >"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
>> >His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
>> >stand
>> >in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
> headache;
>> >I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The
>> >headaches are all gone."
>> >
>> >The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
>> >His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
>> >in
>> >the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
>> >see if he can do anything for that?"
>> >The husband agrees to try it.
>> >
>> >Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
>> >picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the
> bed
>> >and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
>> >He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps
> into
>> >bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
>> >
>> >His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
>> >the husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into
> the
>> >bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
> The
>> >wife sits up and her head is spinning.
>> >Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
>> >With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
>> >
>> >This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
>> >sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
>> >
>> >"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
>> >
>> >His funeral services will be held on Monday.

megamont
17-09-2005, 12:40 PM
http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/9918/pic301206mf.jpg

Hoges
19-09-2005, 12:21 AM
This equation should be taught in all math classes!


From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

megamont
19-09-2005, 07:30 AM
>>>> > McDonald's love story...
>>>> >
>>>> > A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold
>>>> > winter evening.
>>>> >
>>>> > They looked out of place amid the young families and young
>>>> > couples eating there that night.
>>>> >
>>>> > Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell
>>>> > what the admirers were thinking:
>>>> >
>>>> > "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together,
>>>> > probably for 60 years or more!"
>>>> >
>>>> > The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his
>>>> > order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
>>>> >
>>>> > The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking
>>>> > food off of the tray.
>>>> >
>>>> > There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one
>>>> > drink.
>>>> >
>>>> > The little old man unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it
>>>> > in half.
>>>> >
>>>> > He placed one half in front of his wife.
>>>> >
>>>> > Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in
>>>> > two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
>>>> >
>>>> > He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the
>>>> > man began to eat his few bites.
>>>> >
>>>> > Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were
>>>> > saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."
>>>> >
>>>> > Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't
>>>> > eaten a thing.
>>>> >
>>>> > She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
>>>> > sipped some of the drink.
>>>> >
>>>> > A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
>>>> > another meal.
>>>> >
>>>> > The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
>>>> >
>>>> > As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face
>>>> > neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer
>>>> > and asked again.
>>>> >
>>>> > After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little
>>>> > old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share
>>>> > everything.
>>>> >
>>>> > What is it that you are waiting for?"
>>>> >
>>>> > She answered,
>>>> >
>>>> > "THE TEETH"

megamont
19-09-2005, 07:35 AM
http://img395.imageshack.us/img395/2044/h243piks1xh.jpg

Commodore
19-09-2005, 11:19 AM
Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing and to the footy a lot.


THE END
:D :D

Sandman
20-09-2005, 11:16 AM
When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded



that I take her out to some place expensive...................

So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!

Vic1
20-09-2005, 08:49 PM
When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a
box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the
afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and
she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box,
she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such
contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying,
"I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked
into
the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I
gave in.
But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty
beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by
your
behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen
and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace.
A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money
in the box?"
Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

Duyz72
22-09-2005, 06:16 PM
During WWII 3 blokes were ship wrecked on a deserted island. An Aussie, a Pom and a Jap. They all decided to make their peace and get on with survival. The Aussie takes charge and sets out their duties. The Aussie will head out and look for water, the Pom will head out and look for food, and the Jap will head out for Supplies. They agree to meet up at the same spot in 2 days.
Well 2 days later the Aussie and Pom meet up from where they left, but no sign of the Jap. They wait the next day, still no sign of him. Well another day goes by and they decide to go out and look for him. They start off in to the jungle the way the Jap went 4 days earlier.
About 50 metres down the track the Jap jumps out of the bushes waving his arms and shouts . . . . "SURPLISE!"

harry_h01
23-09-2005, 08:38 AM
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN


In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

In the rain (+7)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy

(-2)

Named Tina (-4)

Tina is a dancer (-6)

Tina has silicon implants (-80)



HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)



ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have???

Duyz72
23-09-2005, 09:04 PM
A very unattractive and middle aged woman is still a virgin and since there are reportedly genetic reasons for obesity, she figures there must be one for virginity.
She visits all the specialists she can think of, has multitudes of tests and still no answers.
One day she hears from a friend of a friend about this amazing Traditional Chinese practitioner, so she books herself in for the next available appointment.
On her nominated day she walks in to the examination room and she explains her plight to the Chinese practitioner. He then begins to examine her, taps her here and there looks in to her eyes, looks at her tongue, finger nails and scrutinises every bodily action she can perform, she is then asked to disrobe and he examines her all over thoroughly.

Finally he is finished and the Chinese Practitioner says,

"I legletfurry muz tell ru. Ru hav Zachary disease"

The woman is relieved at finally finding out what is wrong with her after all these years. But she is curious and asks the Chinese Practitioner

"Ummm, but what exactly is Zachary disease?"

He responds . . . .






"Aaaaaaah, Zachary disease, is when your ass look Zachary rike your face!"

Hoges
23-09-2005, 09:15 PM
;D GOOD ONE harry_h01

ROFL

reelcrazy
23-09-2005, 11:05 PM
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."



Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said ..........

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?

Duyz72
25-09-2005, 02:16 PM
Now I feel a bit silly after finally getting to

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #110 on: 12.08.04 at 17:50:35 »

Zachary disease repeat :-X

DaneCross
26-09-2005, 02:43 PM
Appologies if this has already been posted in one of the 455 jokes in this thread...

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the
face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
"I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks
him square in the eyes and says...................

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

Fishin_Dan
26-09-2005, 02:55 PM
I saw a documentary today that said lions mate up to 25 times a day.... Wish I hadn't of joined Rotary now!!! ;)

chanquetas
26-09-2005, 03:01 PM
Dan...LOL

revs57
26-09-2005, 03:35 PM
The Pope called his Cardinals together to discuss the problem of the growing Jewish population in Rome, to which they unanamously agreed that the Jews were to be evicted on November 1st. Rabbi Moshi from the local Synagogue got wind of the outcome of the meeting and approached the Pope complaining of the lack of natural justice and challenged him to a public debate in front of the masses at St Peter's Basillica on October 1st...the only condition was that neither the Pope or Moshi could not use words. They both agreed.

The day came with the Pope and his Cardinals on one side, and the Rabbi and his elders on the other.

The Pope stand up and hold up three fingers, Moshi Stood up and held up one finger.

To this The Pope make a huge arch from his left to his right over his head toward the far horizon. Moshi then points firmly to the ground three times.

The Pope then holds up the Bread and the wine. Moshi holds up an apple

The Pope shrugs and walks back to the Cardinals conceding defeat. the Cardinals asked him what happened. Here is the Pope's reply

"I said with three fingers, we believe in the Trinity, God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, he responded with one finger, "but the Lord our God is one". Then I said pointing to the far horizon, and God made the heavens above, he points to the ground three times saying "and the earth below". Then I held up the elements of communion, the bread and the wine, showing Christ as redemer for our sins to which he replied holding up the apple, a reminder that all have sinned needing redemption" They believe as we do...they must stay

Meanwhile bedlam is breaking out in the Jewish Camp, the elders are beside themselves knowing victory so they ask Moshie what happened. Here is his reply...

"Well, he holds up three fingers telling us we've got three days to leave town, I punched the sky to let him know we're not going anywhere! Then he points to the far horizon telling us to go, I told him emphatically, "We're not going anywhere!!!" Then he showed me his lunch and I showed him mine!!!

szopen
28-09-2005, 10:22 PM
Just noticed that this thread has 31 pages and had 46 before.

Anyway.

A married couple is celebrating their wedding anniversary.
Husband asks wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Wife: please don't ask me about such things.
H: We have been married for a very long time, I think I can ask, please tell me.
W: OK, I have cheated on you 3 times.
H: # times? How did it happen?
W: Remember when 15 years ago you wanted to start your own business and the bank manager came to our home when you were away and approved the credit?
H: Well Honey,you did that for me, I forgive you, How about the second time?
W: Remember when 10 years ago you needed a heart surgery and no doctor wanted to do it as it was complicated and dangerous, but than one of them did it and now you feel so well?
H: My darling, you did it for me, I am really gratefull. But plese tell me about the third time.
W: Remember when 5 years ago you wanted to be a president of the golf club and you needed 53 votes........

imported_admin
28-09-2005, 10:48 PM
Just noticed that this thread has 31 pages and had 46 before.

There is now 15 posts per page instead of 10. Just save people having to load anther page untill there are more that 15 posts.

szopen
29-09-2005, 04:20 PM
1. I'm nobody. Nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
2. If I save time, when do I get it back?
3. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
4. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
5. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
6. A bus station is where bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... What more can I say.
7. Alcohol kills slowly. Who's in a hurry?

Hoges
30-09-2005, 11:50 AM
::) Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I
can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked,
"Out of what?" ;)

dasher
30-09-2005, 05:08 PM
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he
goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The Artificial
Insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I
drove a nail into the four-by-two above the cow's stall. You show him
where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the Artificial
insemination man arrives.

Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail,
and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed by what seemed to be such a dizzy blonde, the
man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over it's stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

Amy replied.

"I guess it's to hang your pants on." ::) ;D

robersl
30-09-2005, 07:32 PM
WHATS THE 3 BIGGEST LIE'S A KIWI TELLS


I WAS ONCE AN ALL BLACK
I WAS ONCE PRIME MINISTER OF NZ
AND HONESTLY OFFICER I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET HIM OUT OF THE BARBED WIRE


BAA BAA BAA

fish2eat
01-10-2005, 09:12 AM
the petrol price gags are around again

dasher
01-10-2005, 09:23 AM
Yep plenty to choose from ::)

dasher
01-10-2005, 09:25 AM
An udder ::)

FNQCairns
02-10-2005, 07:04 PM
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
>>He concludes by saying:
>>
>>"Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an
>>accident."
>>
>>"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
>>
>>His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
>>watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the
>>President looks up and asks:
>>
>>'How many is a Brazillion?

bidkev
02-10-2005, 07:28 PM
You know when you are in the sh!t when?

Hoges
04-10-2005, 01:35 PM
Aviation Truisms



"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur


"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.


"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan


"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)


"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."


"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor


"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."


"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."


"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."


"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies."


"Never trade luck for skill."


The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "OH SHIT!"


"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."


"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."


Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."


"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."


"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."


"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"


"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."


"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."


"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."


"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."


Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."


"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)


"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut


"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)


"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."


"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970


"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."


Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."


"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

webby
04-10-2005, 06:33 PM
Never put a joke up before so:
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home
He decides to clean and serve for dinner.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters and wont eat it if they nowhat it is
So he doenst tell them
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what sort of meat their eating.
"Ok" says her dad, here's a hint:
"its what your mother sometimes calls me"
The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out!
It's Arse Hole!"

or

Once upon a time in a land far away
A princess sitting besides a pond is startled when a frog jumps in her lap.
and says I was once a handsome prince and a evil witch turned me into a frog.
But one kiss from you and i'll turn into a Handsome Prince.
We can then marry and set up house in your castle with my mother.
Where you can prepare meals, clean my clothes and bear my children and be forever gratefull and happy doing so.
That night as the princess dined on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckled and thought to her self:
I Don't #%*king think so.

zedjack33
06-10-2005, 07:38 AM
A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)*
Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.*
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.*
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*it, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.*
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.*
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted t o give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.*

Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more
beans.*
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.*
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t- faced from all of the beer.*

Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic*
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice.
Disappointing.*
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chilli..

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?*

Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover*

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.*
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I far*ted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.*

Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.*
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.*
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*it myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ar*se with a snow cone.*

Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.*
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.*
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh*it to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.*

Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chilli
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.*
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 far*ted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli.*


[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

adriancorrea
08-10-2005, 11:37 PM
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was simply addressed
"mum"......with the worst premonition she opened the envelope and read
the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mum,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you, I had to
elope with my new boyfriend, John because I wanted to avoid a scene with
dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice,
even though he is 54, divorced (I think) and on parole, and also with
all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not
only the passion mum, I'm pregnant and John said that he will take care
of me and we will be very happy. He already nearly owns a caravan on the
outskirts of Wagga and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He
wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams
too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and also for trading it with his friends for all the
cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime. I ask that you pray that
science will find a cure for aids so John can get better; he sure
deserves it.

Don't worry mum, I'm nearly 15 years old now and I know how to take care
of myself. Some day I'm we'll be back to visit so you can get to know
your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Nikki

P.S. None of the above is true. I'm next door. I just wanted to remind
you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in
my desk drawer. I love you.....please call me when it is safe for me to
come home.

adriancorrea
08-10-2005, 11:43 PM
The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse topple into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.

It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree.

adriancorrea
08-10-2005, 11:45 PM
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool &
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because
she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient.
Your action displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with
his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go.....

Hoges
09-10-2005, 10:35 AM
;D
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!
:o

adriancorrea
09-10-2005, 11:26 PM
Men's Thesaurus



"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

'UH HUH, "SURE, HON," OR "YES, DEAR."
Means: absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "what did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next
3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Hoges
10-10-2005, 10:00 AM
:) A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.

Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover. ;D

wacco_fozzy
10-10-2005, 12:12 PM
Two old blokes are sitting on the verandah of a country pub, enjoying a beer, when a dog wanders up, sits down in front of them and starts licking its genitals.

"You know" one old guy says, " I wish I could do that".

"Go right ahead" says his mate "Although I'd pat him a couple of times first!"

szopen
10-10-2005, 01:10 PM
In a bar a boy met a girl, they had a few drinks, talked a bit, than he proposed going over to his place and she agreed.

At his home they had a few more drinks, he put on some nice music, worked up his courage and asked: why don't we jump in the bed?

Girl answered: Maybe it will sound very strange but I have a principle in life I don't want to break. I want to keep my virginty until I meet a man I can really love. But I have to be convinced that I truely love him and I he is right for me.

Boy was a bit disappointed but tried to stay cool: That's OK, no problem. I just think that at this times it is very hard to live with such principle.

Girl: Well it is not that hard for me, but my husband is pretty ticked off about this.

szopen
10-10-2005, 01:13 PM
Little Jonny looks at his mother's fur coat and says:
- How much this poor animal had to suffer so you can have a coat like this...
Mother:
- I forbid you to talk about your father like this...

Hoges
10-10-2005, 04:23 PM
>:(
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner, he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey".

"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
::)

zedjack33
11-10-2005, 07:30 AM
I'm getting a bit tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality?
> > > >
So, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
> > > >
1 . When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
> > > >
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
> > > >
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
> > > >
4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.
> > > >
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.
> > > >
6. When you are confused - I will use only little words.
> > > >
When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever
you have.
> > > >
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.
> > > >
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why you may ask? Because you are my friend.
> > > >
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

harry_h01
11-10-2005, 11:16 AM
40 Things That Only Happen In Movies

1. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
2. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
3. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
4. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
5. All single women have a cat.
6. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).
7. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.
8. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
9. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
10. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).
11. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
12. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
13. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
14. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
15. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.
16. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
17. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
18. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
19. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
20. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
21. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
22. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
23. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.
24. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
25. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
26. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard . . .
27. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it's called Stallone's Law).
29. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
30. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
31. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.
32. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
33. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.
34. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
35. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
36. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).
37. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
38. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
39. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
40. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

DaneCross
11-10-2005, 06:01 PM
A husband arrived home from work one evening and found the following note.

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the footy.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Australia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fullfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

slacky
11-10-2005, 10:28 PM
A man rings home,and a young voice answers,hello.The man said,go and get your mother.the girl said she is up stairs in the bedroom with uncle Fred.The man replies, we dont have an uncle Fred. yes we do,mummy is upstairs in the bedroom with him.The man told the girl to go upstairs and tell mommy,daddy just drove up the driveway.The girl put the phone down.After a short while she picked up the phone.Did you tell mommy.yes said the girl,and what happened.Mommy jumped up out of bed,tripped on the rug and hit her head on the corner of the bed,and fell to the floor unconscious.What about uncle fred,the man asked.He jumped out the window and landed in the pool,but he must have forgotten you drained the pool last week,and I think he is dead.'POOL'! Is this (07)55637476

harry_h01
12-10-2005, 11:55 AM
Kid Friendly Jokes

What do they call a polar bear in the Carribean?
Lost.

Why did the sick wasp cross the road?
To get to the waspital.

What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist?
Tooth Hurty.

Why did the duck cross the road?
The chicken was on vacation.

Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Where do sheep get a hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.

Why do watch dogs run in circles?
To wind themselves up.

How do you make a kleenex dance?
You put a little boogie in it.

What's hiccup's favorite color?
Burple.

What do you call two ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Cause they have big fingers.

What's gray and has a tail and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.

What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bugs Bunny Farts.

A chicken is walking along with a book under it's wing clucking "Book, Book, Book, Book,Book, Book, Book."
The frog says "Readit. Readit."

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?
Jurrassic Pork.

Do you have holes in your underwear? "No."
Well how do you get your feet through?

philip_thomson
12-10-2005, 03:29 PM
2 pretzels were walking down the street 1 was assalted ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

philip_thomson
12-10-2005, 04:44 PM
2 blondes walked into a bar. you would have thought the first one would have noticed ;D ;D

stubi
13-10-2005, 06:42 PM
I don't have a joke to tell :( But I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for posting these great jokes. I am in Taiwan at the moment and the Taiwanese humour and jokes just don't rate against our Aussie humour ;D ;D ;D Please keep them coming so that I can stay sane :o
I don't know what the fishing is like here yet, but if you like fish and seafood it is a great place to visit 8-) Seeya
ps, Alex if you are reading this, Elsa and I are engaged now ;) or should that be :'(

Hoges
14-10-2005, 11:06 AM
Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can?


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!


Now if we had a spell checker here then the above would certainly give it a hernia. LOL

philip_thomson
15-10-2005, 10:58 AM
ah hah hah thats great. i can read ;D

no. 41 for the movie thing

41. every bomb in movies has a manual on how to dismantle it before it detonates ;D and then when the manual can;t be found they always manage to fluke the correct cut ;D

gotwet
15-10-2005, 11:38 AM
The Ranch hand


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to
keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided
to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about
ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done
a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily
agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however,
and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned
around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my
blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now
take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again,
with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire,
he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear
my clothes into town again, you're fired."

adriancorrea
16-10-2005, 12:25 AM
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of
the men who were dominated by their wives was 1000 miles long, and in
the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was
only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to
be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not
fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your
family. Of all of you, only one obeyed.

Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only
one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Hoges
16-10-2005, 08:21 PM
:D
Similarities:

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes

4. Pope Died

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married (again)

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)

3. Australia lost the Ashes

4. Pope Died

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry and Liverpool wins another European crown.... please warn the Pope!
::)

fish2eat
19-10-2005, 04:42 PM
It's time to get this magnificent thread back to the top of the forum

adriancorrea
20-10-2005, 12:48 AM
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked , "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more ?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


Sorry guys thought it was funny and had to put it up
Make the women on here feel good lol

Tight Lines
Adrian

adriancorrea
20-10-2005, 12:59 AM
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for many years.

He has a dam in the back paddock, fixed up really great; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was properly
shaped and set up for swimming when it was originally built.



One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the back paddock and
check out the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while. He took a five
gallon bucket with him, to bring back some fruit. As the neared the dam,
he heard voices shouting and lots of laughter.



As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the dam.



He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam towards the deep

end of the dam. One of the women called out "We're not coming out until
you go away.

" The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down to perve on you ladies
swimming naked, or to make you get out of the dam." Holding up the
bucket, he said,



"I just come down to feed the crocodile."





Moral of the story ... Old men might walk slowly, but they can still
think fast !

fish2eat
21-10-2005, 11:54 AM
Warning - Always listen to the whole story !!!

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not
contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was
at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I
went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this
is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At
the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.Johnny started
his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy
and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.