Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[BobbyJ123]

No Joke, just having fun street racing??

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=620_1341213161#sthash.SvM6l16H.dpuf

[BobbyJ123]

They're at it again...those Saudis

http://devour.com/video/saudi-tire-change/

[littlejim]

Here's an old corny one for you.

Three Aussie blokes are working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[littlejim]

103709
family photo

[Chimo]

AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER!





"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be

dangerous."





"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."





"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."





"Again, I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."





True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.





He said he would put a new one on immediately.





"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[sparkyice]

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large Yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."



as a patriotic american all i have to say is...

well, yeah, that sounds abour right...

[sparkyice]

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired.

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted

"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly

"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[sparkyice]

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

isnt the World Great!

[Dezzer]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.

[Boofhead03]

Watch out for double glazing salesman

Last year I replaced all the windows in our house with expensive double-pane energy efficient kind of glass, and today, I got a call from the Tradesman who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago- and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year,..... namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up.... He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Dezzer]

Theme continued....

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

[wayno60]

Two old ladies meet in Heaven...
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death....
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[sparkyice]

There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.

"What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?"

The first one says "I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it."

The second one says "I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it."

The third one says "I would turn it over to the building security."

Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big tits.

[wayno60]

THE ELEVATOR
I was in the elevator when this beautiful busty lady got in.
I couldn't help staring at her boobs. Well...wouldn't any red-blooded man?
... i think the trouble started when she leaned in close to me and said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did.........and I don't remember much afterwards.


See More (https://www.facebook.com/#)

https://scontent-a-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/t1.0-9/10382880_592115384239798_1539929176401159348_n.jpg
(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=592115384239798&set=a.100457060072302.406.100003240241053&type=1)

[sparkyice]

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[sparkyice]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[BobbyJ123]

A Bible Lesson.

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.




And he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon ...... who all drank wine!!



Now that's what I call a miracle!!!

[littlejim]

A pommy friend sends me this one at four yearly intervals

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Kero]

This would be one hell of a trip!

104524

[aussiebasser]

Some Americans visited here and wrote the following:

My wife, Celia and I along with another couple went on a 5 week tour of "Outback Australia". People asked us, "How can you tell
when you are actually "IN the OUTBACK"? Here are some of the answers we have come up with. Keep in mind that NONE of these
tidbits applies EVERYWHERE in the Outback. But EACH ONE applies SOMEWHERE in the Outback. All of us had a wonderful trip as we
traveled along the route Sydney> Canberra> Melbourne> Adeliade> Perth> Geraldon> Port Hedland> Broome> Katherine> Darwin>
Karunda> Alice Springs> Adeliade. We loved the trip, had no problems, the roads were good, (We stuck mostly to "sealed"
[bitumen] roads.), hotels always had a room. In short, we had a GREAT time!

Now to the MEAT.. You know you are in the Australian Outback when:

1) You have to wait until after 9pm at night so the COLD water won't be too hot to bathe in. (Mt Isa)
2) You find out that the water spraying over the pond near the artesian well is to cool it down from 160F so the cows can drink it.
3) Some of the tractor trailer trucks you pass are 160 feet long and have three trailers in tandem (road trains).
4) You are thrilled when you go out at 7AM and find the temperature only 33C (90F) so far.
5) Stores offer insect repellent as "impulse items" beside the cash register.
6) The petrol stations are 150 miles apart.
7) You notice sweat running down your legs but in the next breath comment on how comfortable it is today.
8) You look forward to the availability of the NEXT 3 STAR motel.
9) You carry your own jar of instant Lipton's Iced Tea (with lemon) into the restaurant for dinner.
10) You find that you can routinely see 3km or more down the perfectly straight road when you get ready to pass a road train truck with 3 or 4 trailers.
11) You can drive on the main highway in Western Australia (and the ONLY paved highway) for the region and pass just 5 vehicles an hour
coming in the opposite direction.
12) You stop on the side of the road, and any driver coming along stops and asks if you need help.
13) The anthills on the side of the road are taller than you are.
14) Farms along the highway are often larger than Rhode Island.
15) Your Hertz rental station wagon is the only 2 wheel drive vehicle in a parking lot. (And the others all have "Roo Bars" and snorkels.)
16) You are afraid to drive at night because you might hit a kangaroo.
17) Petrol costs 95 cents a LITER and you are DELIGHTED to pay it. (in 1998)
18) The car air conditioner is always on BOOST.
19) You get excited because the sign says "McDonald's - 190km ahead".
20) A heated discussion develops over whether to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the car or to eat at the roadhouse lunch bar, the only restaurant within 300 km.
21) Your wife keeps asking if you checked the oil and water at the last petrol stop.
22) A petrol station with 2 pumps, a one star motel, and a lunch counter is shown on a map of the continent.
23) The nearest telephone is 150km away.
24) You see a bush fire and report it at the next police station and they say, "Burn now, burn later, don't worry about it".
25) They call dust devils "Willie Willies" and you can see 4 or 5 in a day.
26) Getting dressed up to go out to dinner means putting on your socks.
27) One of the questions you ask at the motel desk is: "Do you have evaporative cooling or refrigerated air conditioning?"
28) The lizards you see on the highway are 2 feet long.
29) You notice that the electric power line along the road has only ONE wire.
30) The motel runs its diesel generator all day and all night every day so you will have electricity.
31) The motel has its own water demineralization plant.
32) You wonder why in the world you brought all of those long pants with you.
33) The Flying Doctor Service guarantees they can get you to a hospital in less than 2 hours in case of emergency.
34) The locals advise you to take an HF radio with you to use in case you have an "off the road" emergency and need help.
35) You check your emergency food and water supplies each morning before leaving the motel.
36) You come to know the true meaning of "miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles".
37) You go outside and notice sweat beads rolling down your back and consider it perfectly normal.
38) Most of the wide river beds you see are without water.
39) Road signs say names like "Humpty Doo and Jabiru, next left".
40) Road signs warn of "Kangaroos, next 50km".
41) The TV in the motel has ONE channel and it ISN't CNN.
42) You turn on the car radio and fail to locate ANY station on either the AM or FM dial.
43) You notice that the flies go for the nose first.
44) The girls notice that the lower back half of their hair is soaking wet and they haven't been swimming or showering.
45) You aren't able to wear a t-shirt more than one day.
46) You are pleased to invest $7 in your own personal "face net" to keep the ever present flies at bay along the shore.
47) The water in the swimming pool is warmer than your bath water.
48) The locals all have SNORKELS on their four wheel drive vehicles in case of flooded roads. (And, just as important..
to keep the air intake up out of the dust so you will not have to change your engine air filter daily if you drive on "unsealed"
roads.)
49) The cockatoos and parrots are flying FREE.
50) You know you can't be lost because there is only one paved road within 250km and you're on it.
51) You realize that the Aussies wear knee length socks in the desert to soak up the sweat and help cool off their legs.
52) The hotel you stop at for the night has a large outdoor swimming pool with 40 tons of refrigeration so the water is
cool enough to swim in. (Mt. Isa)

Whatever it is about the Outback, you know that the beauty, the
harshness and the uniqueness of the Australian Outback are
without comparison and that you will return one day to this
picturesque place. Original written 2/15/98

By Joe Mehaffey, et al

[Chimo]

Posted here due to the lack of a self improvement / training section!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU&sns=em

[Chimo]

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[littlejim]

104583canberra winter minus 8 (Hope the picture works)

[Chimo]

Adopt a Terrorist.- Too Good to Miss

The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example.

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:


National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense

[scottar]

That is gold Chimo. They should start the same program here for the bleeding hearts.

[Chimo]

Nolan's Cheddar helps a mouse cheat death By Adweek Blogs (http://www.adweek.com/contributor/adweek-blogs)

February 23, 2010, 9:47 AM EST




http://www.adweek.com/files/adfreak/6a00d8341c51c053ef0120a8c83ba8970b-450wi (http://adweek.blogs.com/adfreak/2010/02/nolans-cheddar-helps-a-mouse-cheat-death.html)
This video came out last year, but we missed it, so we're circling back. It's a fake 90-second cheese ad done for fun by British animatronics master John Nolan (who worked on Where the Wild Things Are, among other films). It shows a mouse having a nasty run-in with a trap, but that's just the beginning of the story. It's worth sticking with, even for the squeamish. Nolan used a live mouse for the opening shots and animatronics for the rest. "The rat was actually a robot (http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/view/104707/Rodent-in-mousetrap-workout-video/) I made covered in silicon," he says. "It still had its real hair and nails of a dead rat, but I had to punch this in individually into the synthetic skin, a bit like how hair transplants work." For more, check out Nolan's Web site (http://www.johnnolanfilms.com/), where he posted this quote on his homepage: "I thought your mouse commercial was horrifying. I know it went 'viral' and you certainly got your 15 minutes of fame. Shame on you. I actually gasped. It made me sick." Via Adverblog (http://www.adverblog.com/archives/004191.htm).
—Posted by Tim Nudd
Get the The AdFreak Daily newsletter:

[littlejim]

Somebody has come up with a use for dead flies:
http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/jetobler/flies4.jpg
Turn 'em into funnies.

[littlejim]

recidivist
http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/jetobler/img348.jpg

[Chimo]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU27eo4P0xo

[Gon Fishun]

"Bet" you didn't know this about Las Vegas .
Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips? THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO
THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES
THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS
RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED
A METHOD TOCOLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY
FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED
IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.


YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
It?s so easy to fool old folks!!! ;D::):-?>:(

[littlejim]

That's pathetic GF! You should be ashamed of youself.
I'll pu it on the pommy car forum they'll love it.

[Chimo]

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/wlmailhtml:{7C273EB8-32CD-44B3-88BF-30B23F707508}mid://00000067/!cid:787B4CF1A46D4F86A438581C0AC108CD@RuthHP

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Green Tree Snakes (Dendrolaphis punctulata) can be dangerous.

Yes, tree snakes or grass snakes, not brown snakes or taipans. Here's why.


http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/wlmailhtml:{7C273EB8-32CD-44B3-88BF-30B23F707508}mid://00000067/!cid:05F4244002BF4BA58F629FE60E90A3BE@RuthHP
A couple in Townsville, had a lot of potted plants.

During a recent cold winter (for Townsville that is!),

the wife was bringing some of the valued tender ones

indoors to protect them from the cold night.


It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants.

When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the lounge.
She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the lounge.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the lounge and the paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake.

He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the lounge..

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the lounge in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the lounge.

The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Woolies, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth













and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him,

so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.

She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.

They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the lounge and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.

The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the curtains.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade.

The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her

[Chimo]

Sex In The Shower


IN A RECENT SURVEY CARRIED OUT BY "BRUT", A
LEADING TOILETRIES FIRM; PEOPLE FROM CHICAGO HAVE PROVED TO
BE THE MOST LIKELY TO HAVE HAD SEX IN THE SHOWER. IN THE
SURVEY, 86% OF CHICAGOS INNER CITY RESIDENTS (MOST OF WHOM
ARE REGISTERED DEMOCRATS) SAY THAT THEY HAVE ENJOYED SEX IN
THE SHOWER.


THE OTHER 14% HAD NOT BEEN TO PRISON YET!

SORT OF BRINGS TEARS TO YOUR EYES!

[Gon Fishun]

66 YEARS LATER ALL HAS BEEN REVEALED .



This might help explain why computers sometimes have a mind of their own.



In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth....

[Gon Fishun]

Never truer.

The Last Dollar:

> A man walks into a restaurant with his young son.
> He gives the young boy 3 dollar coins to play with to keep him occupied.
>
> Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.
> The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him
> on the back.
> The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. He must have swallowed
> all three.
>
> Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
>
> A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
> suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
> coffee.
> At the sound of the commotion,she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
> folds the newspaper, and
> places it on the counter,gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
> across the restaurant.
>
> Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the
> boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then
> ever so firmly. After a few
> seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last dollar coin,
> which the woman deftly catches
> in her free hand.
>
> Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the dollar to the father and
> walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
>
> As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
> rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
> anybody do anything like
> that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
>
> 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with The Australian Taxation Office'

[sparkyice]

i can't beleive they would really do this!
can you imagine?!?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KGZis7RO4o

[littlejim]

It is a spoof Sparky.

[Barry Ehsman]

Fair dinkum,Sparky I think you believe this... lol

[Gon Fishun]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"



The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausages, why DID you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Bunnings." ;D

[Gon Fishun]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

[sparkyice]

my cousin lives in ohio. he said it's true!!

[sparkyice]

It is a spoof Sparky.


:LMAO:



you just made my day!!

[kingcray]

These are the people you don’t want on your holiday!! Particularlymine!



THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOKVACATIONS"FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that thelocal convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams orginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta toclose in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time --this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to findthat almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told uswe had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be includedin the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything whenwe returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. Itwas very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. Thechildren were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fullyequipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with thetaxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not readthe local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, wewere unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica toEngland. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seemsunfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to ourfriends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer forservice."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanishpeople there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one toldus that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and therewas no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisyor unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mentionmosquitoes."

19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, butinstead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsibleand want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This wouldnot have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!!!!

[Gon Fishun]

I phoned the local Chinese restaurant a couple of weeks ago and asked if they do take aways. They replied yes, so I asked them to please tell me what 123 minus 57 equals........ She hung up! Then again last week I rang and asked if they did take aways? and they said yes and I said good come and take away my wife, she is pissing me off! ..........she hung up. Those Asians have no sense of humour hey!

[sparkyice]

https://www.youtube.com/v/mYP-2UCS5nY (https://www.youtube.com/v/mYP-2UCS5nY)

it took me a few moments to figure it out.

[sparkyice]

1 cat cut in serving-sized pieces dusted in flour with salt and pepper


1/4 c. extra virgin olive oil

6 artichokes

2 1/4" thick slices of slab bacon, diced

1 small sweet onion, diced

4 cloves garlic, minced

1 carrot, diced

1 lemon

3 small tomatoes, peeled, seeded, and diced

1/2 c. dry white wine

2-4 c. homemade chicken broth

garni of 4 flat parsley stems, 6 leafy thyme branches, 1 bay leaf tied up with kitchen twine Salt and pepper

1/4 c chopped flat-leaf parsley (optional)



http://www.ausfish.com.au/images/braiseddish.jpg




Snap the leaves off the artichokes until only the tender inner leaves remain. Snap off the stem. Trim the remaining green bits from the bottom of the artichoke, and cut off the inner leaves in a bunch at the point where they are very tender. Pare the tough green outer layer off the remaining stem, pairing the stem into a point. Now cut the artichoke bottom into quarters and remove the choke with a sharp knife from each quarter. Rinse to remove any traces of foin ("hay") and drop them into a bowl of water acidulated with the juice of half a lemon.
Heat 2 T olive oil in a large heavy casserole or Dutch oven. Dredge the cat pieces in seasoned flour, shaking off excess. Brown over medium heat, turning regularly, until golden on all sides. Remove cat pieces to a plate and dump any oil remaining in the pan. Add 1 T of the remaining oil and the bacon dice. (Omit bacon if you only have access to the thin-sliced vacuum packed supermarket variety.) Sauté until cooked but not "crisp". Add the remaining T of oil and the onion and carrot. Saute for 5 minutes, then add the artichoke quarters and the garlic, stir one minute, and add the tomatoes and the white wine. Turn up the heat and reduce until syrupy, stirring constantly, for about 5 minutes. Lay the bouquet garni on top of the vegetables. Arrange the cat pieces on top, together with any juice accumulated in the plate.
Pour in enough broth to come halfway up the sides of the cat pieces. Cover and bring to a simmer. Continue to simmer over very low heat about 1 hour or cook in the oven at 350 degrees for the same amount of time. The cat should be just tender and part readily from the bone. Don't overcook or it will become dry. Check the liquid level frequently and add more broth if necessary. Turn the cat pieces once.
When done, remove the cat pieces to a warm platter and arrange the vegetables, removed with a slotted spoon, around them. Cover and keep warm. Strain the remaining pan juices into a smaller saucepan and reduce over high heat, skimming frequently, until reduced by 1/3. Pour over the platter and serve immediately. Sprinkle with finely chopped flat-leaf parsley if you like.


Return to Recipes Index (http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/index.html)

[littlejim]

reminds me of a meal I had at the Butterworth 'makan cart' at about 5:30 AM one Monday morning.
they used truck tyre instead of cat.

PS: they also added about half a teaspoon of medium to coarse sand instead of the parsley.

[wayno60]

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
... Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

[BobbyJ123]

http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w44/BobbyQld/BC_zpseba1e8c1.jpg

[sparkyice]

this was shamelessly stolen from another forum i visit...

http://www.lakeontariounited.com/fishing-hunting/topic/48601-the-pro-staffer/

[sparkyice]

i'll try again...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNuJyPotA7w

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec9pGR4Etog

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkZckXvpxm4

i think thiese are it.

[kingcray]

WHAT THE@#$% ??



The "F" Word - When is @#$%acceptable?

There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has beenconsidered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:


10. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E. J.Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877

7. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938

6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

3. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton,1998

*******************

[PixieAU]

WHAT THE@#$% ??



The "F" Word - When is @#$%acceptable?

There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has beenconsidered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:


10. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E. J.Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877

7. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938

6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

3. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton,1998

*******************





How about "@#$% yeah!" -- Neil Armstrong, 1969

I like this game

[wayno60]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage w​weekend
my wife and I listened to the instructor declare :​
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently
and whispered :​
'Self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy..........

[wayno60]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.


She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.


The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.


https://blu184.afx.ms/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=29fe45e5-7ecf-11df-b928-00237de3f5be&attindex=0&cp=-1&attdepth=0&imgsrc=cid%3aE2CFADEBE13842188F0DD92BC54AC755%40ow ner124659139&cid=2bcb0a3c8b4306ae&blob=MHxpbWFnZTAwMS5qcGd8aW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d&hm__login=mjack60&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.148.104.8&d=d3726&mf=0&hm__ts=Sat%2c%2021%20Feb%202015%2020%3a26%3a22%20G MT&st=mjack60&hm__ha=01_e12b61c23bfe639cbb149302114a822586781c69 71a9d62fcf0c3ae1aa142c7e&oneredir=1


She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"


He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,


I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."


She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.


He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."


She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"


As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.


"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.


As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.


At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way


the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.


The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."


The woman is totally confused by this and asks,


"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"


"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[littlejim]

Here's an oldie for you.


In the 70’s Idi Amin made a state visit to the UK.

As a special treat the Queen, a bit of a horsewoman at heart, thought it would be rather nice to pick him up in an open horse drawn carriage, driving it herself.

As they started back from the airport one of the horses started dropping foul smelling noiseless ‘softies’ which drifted back over the occupants - one about every mile or so.

At first the Queen demonstrating British phlegm, ignored the smell, but after about 14 miles she could take it no longer and said:
“Mr Amin, I must apologise for the terrible smells that have that have been wafting over us all the way from the airport.”

Idi replied “Dat’s alright Your Majesty, I t’ought it was de horse.”

[Gon Fishun]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's Sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over..
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's ass, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should wefwase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[Gon Fishun]

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.

They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Randwick that day,

she’d tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.

The bloke looked through the race book and found ‘Two Abreast’ on which he placed $100 at 5-1.

It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes..

He put the lot on ‘Eyeliner’ at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch..

He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.

'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. ‘It paid a fortune’

‘Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

[wayno60]

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres!
... So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[Gon Fishun]

This guy comes waltzing in to a bar one day, leans over to the bar and says 'What a wonderful smell that cedar bar gives off'.
The barman looks at him and says 'How did you know that was cedar ?'
'Easy', says the guy 'I can tell the smell of any type of wood, even with my eyes closed'.
'Bullshit', says the barman. 'Here, put this on' and gives the bloke a blindfold. He lays down a piece of mountain ash in front of him and says 'OK, what's that ?'
The guy leans over, sniffs, turns the wood over, sniffs again and says 'Easy, mountain ash. Could almost smell it as you were walking in the door'.
'OK', says the barman, goes off and gets a piece of redwood. 'What's that then ?'.
'Ahhhhh', says the guy as he sniffs, turns it over, sniffs again 'A but harder but I just love the smell of redwood'.
'Real smart arse aren't ya', says the barman and calls over the hooker sitting in the corner. 'OK, without touching anything , what's this ?'
The bloke leans over, sniffs, asks for it to be turned over, sniffs again and says 'Well, you nearly got me on this one. But it's still simple. It's the dunny door off a fish trawler'.

[Gon Fishun]

A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie, Western Australia .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his political Green Party policies they turned me down!!"

[Chimo]

Only An Australian Can Make You Feel Like A Woman


A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

[Chimo]

The most logic ever regarding religion!

Born A Lutheran. . . . . .


Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up
his barbeque on the shore of Arthurs Lake and
cook a venison steak.

All of Ole's neighbours were Catholic... and
since it was Lent, they were forbidden from
eating meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison
steaks wafted over the neighbourhood and
was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested
that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Ole
attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled
holy water over him, he said, "You were born
a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you
are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbours were relieved, until Friday
night arrived and the wonderful aroma of
grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the
neighbours and he rushed over to Ole's place
clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy
water which he carefully sprinkled over the
grilling meat and chanted:

"You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer,
but now you is a rainbow trout."

[wayno60]

A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have ...the authority of the federal government with me!". Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE ####ING BADGE!"

[Chimo]

Perhaps there is some value to prayer?



SAY A PRAYER



Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.

'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'




'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

[Chimo]

Stupid Question... Excellent Answer!



For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian. Now the Govenor General.

General Cosgrove was interviewed on TV recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

This is a portion of an ABC interview between a female journalist Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

LEIGH SALES:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

LEIGH SALES:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

LEIGH SALES:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

LEIGH SALES:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.God would pay money to have seen her face…

[wayno60]

Ill be seeing Pete tomorrow, if i can ill ask him about it...

[littlejim]

Ill be seeing Pete tomorrow, if i can ill ask him about it...

You'll find the joke was around before he became a general.

[roz]

After a few too many visits to the Local "Pleasure Parlour"
ex Federal Politician Craig Thomson noticed green lumps
on his well worn willy. So off he went to the doctor.

After Careful examination the doctor explained "You know how wrestlers and rugby
union players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" said Craig, nodding seriously.

"Well" said the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."

[Chimo]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=293803184143474

[Chimo]

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/attachment.php?attachmentid=108659&stc=1

[Mervfish]

Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam. My new name is Seldom Bin Laid

[Ausfish]

Golf & Cattle
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

[Chimo]

CROWS KILLED BY VEHICLES ?


Crow Kills--Interesting Facts.


Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found
over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there
was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to
everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying
colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck
kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a
nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one
could shout "Truck."

[littlejim]

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

[Chimo]

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Axl]

God bless the Irish.....;D

A bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."


Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"


A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!


Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"


Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya tink ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...


Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.".

[Chimo]

An Irishman and a Mecedes


On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.




"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"The Devil you say", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!"

[Chimo]

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course


on the edge of Greenwood, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over


his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.





The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.





The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'





The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'





After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's


not even a member of this golf club'

[littlejim]

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/attachment.php?attachmentid=109586&stc=1

[Gon Fishun]

What do you get if you cross a flea with a fish.






















Itchy cods.

[Chimo]

Sex and Good Grammar

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.



The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."



The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"

“Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."



He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.






His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"








And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[littlejim]

There aren’t many sports car jokes. Here is one doing the rounds in the UK in the mid 70’s.

A young British Army Lieutenant took his TR6 to Northern Ireland on his posting. Duty kept him off the roads for the first three weeks, but a spell of furlough meant he could get out on to the country roads.

By the third little hump-backed bridge over the streams he was getting the hang of getting airborne on the far side.

As he was coming to earth after the fourth one he ploughed through a donkey drawn hay cart, complete with clay pipe smoking Irish farmer.

After coming to a halt he ran back to the cart coming to the donkey first. It was in a bad way so he pulled out his service revolver and put it out of its misery.

He got back to the farmer, who looked a bit worse for wear, knelt over him, and asked “ are you alright?”

The farmer took the stub of his clay pipe out of his mouth, looked at the revolver, which still had a few whisps of cordite smoke coming out of the barrel, then looked at the Subaltern, and said: “Oi niver felt better in me loif!”

[Chimo]

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders.




"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

"Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many chefs did that.





"Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.

"By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:

"Sack my cook"

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."

[littlejim]

ladies' joke

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/jetobler/sdtaggering-1.jpg

[sparkyice]

and then it occered to me... the best way to keep from dropping your i-phone into the pisser is to keep the phone in your pocket.

[Gon Fishun]

Taking selfies at the urinal hmmmmmmm.

[sparkyice]

umm...well...ah...

[Gon Fishun]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[groverwa]

The E.U announced today that all future Euro notes will be printed on Greece-Proof paper.

[groverwa]

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station .
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

[sparkyice]

I slipped my finger in.....

And as I slipped my finger slowly, inside the very, loose hole,
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me……



"I really need a new boat," I thought to myself.

[shaungonemad]

Good day for fishing

[roz]

You are on a horse which is galloping at a constant speed.

On your left is a Lion traveling at the same speed as you.

Behind you is an Elephant & in front of you is another Lion but you cannot overtake it.

On your right is a very sharp drop-off.

WHAT MUST YOU DO TO GET OUT OF THIS HIGHLY DANGEROUS SITUATION?

GET YOUR DRUNKEN A*SE OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND!!!!!!!

[aussiebasser]

Last night I heard the dishwasher making some whining and screeching noises. Then I realised she was vacuuming.

[Chimo]

This hit it right on the head... Cartoonist must own a boat! Attached Images http://www.thehulltruth.com/attachments/dockside-chat/555319d1438525954-joy-boat-ownership-nq150802.jpg

[dnej]

A wife asks her husband to go to the shop to get some milk.

" when you get there dear, if they have avocados, get six."

Some hours later on his return, the husband put six cartons of milk on the table ."what the heck have you done" she asks.


Husband replies, "well they had avocados"

[Chimo]

The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of
weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.



This was the winner:



Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought.

[Chimo]

A couple of bogans were returning home carrying a slab. They were walking past an outdoor cafe as a woman started choking on a piece of steak. Her husband yelled out for help.

One bogan jumped the divider, pulled the woman's dress up, bent her over and whipped her undies down. He bent down and licked her bum.

Even though she was close to blacking out, she was so shocked, she coughed the steak out and screamed.

The bogan's friend gave him the thumbs up. "Nice one maaaate. It's the first time I've ever seen the Hind Lick manoeuvre."

[wayno60]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Lucky_Phill]

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

[Chimo]

One for the legal types

THE DUCK, THE LAWYER and THE FARMER





A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. N.Z. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I just shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom..
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

V

[dogg15]

Two sardines were heading to Townsville.....they got lost and ended up in Cairns.

[Lancair]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[sparkyice]

jesus saves

moses invests

[shaungonemad]

Girl goes to the doctor's with a chest infection. Doctor gets his stethoscope out and says "Big breaths". The girl replies "Yeth and I am only thixteen!!..

[xpaladoshous]

Whats a blonde and a prawn have in common??



The heads full of "crap" but the pink part tastes nice....

[shaungonemad]

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10995454_401755006653005_607987669721912906_n.jpg? oh=7d84aa0a43e33d658314a515f41469c5&oe=56CFB657

[Gon Fishun]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled ???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[littlejim]

111283
recntly got this one from the UK

[STUIE63]

Paddy, The Irish Wrestler






A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.’

[littlejim]

Some of you might like this one. (if it works)

http://player.vimeo.com/video/57468088?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0&color=d30000&api=1&player_id=media-player

[Gon Fishun]

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[littlejim]

how about this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEIn8GJIg0E

[beerhunter]

What does "Jack The Ripper" and
"Winnie The Poo" have in common? ????









The same middle name [emoji1]

sent from the beerhunter

[beerhunter]

how about this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEIn8GJIg0E
Haha see the little blue car just run straight through with no fear. Thats amazing thanks for posting this.



sent from the beerhunter

[littlejim]

See if you remember this old one.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went
into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant
and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone
you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
" Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one,"replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose,what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

[benji64]

Taking Viagra wont turn you into Sean Connery
But it will make you Roger Moore

[chris69]

file:///D:/Downloads/IM/Runtime/Message/%7B2710EEF3-005A-445B-8FBF-F6C30D6F980A%7D/Show/ATT000021.jpg


I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 back from the ATO. and it puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all your dependents?"
I replied: 1million muslin immigrants we provide everything for; 50,000 crack heads in rehab ;
1 million unemployed people on the dole and not looking for work,
25,000 people in prison, 26,000 boat people who just arrived for a holiday , 535 persons in the Parliament and Senate with their nose in the trough "






They told me that this was NOT the correct answer.
SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

[littlejim]

One day as I sat all alone in the gloom, without a hope in the world, a little voice came out of the dark, saying:
"Cheer up. - Things could be worse!"
So I cheered up.

And sure enough - things got worse.

[groverwa]

Another west aussie shark on a bull bar

[groverwa]

Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hilary Clinton's run for President:

"I will not vote for Hilary Clinton. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth.

As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job,
she outsourced it to me and I simply blew it".

[groverwa]

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his cars for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you should consider selling your cars and your fishing equipment collection.”
Tom gets a horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!”, she screams, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE ​ ​
!!!!!!!”


Tom’s reply: “I wasn’t”.

[wayno60]

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer "
Share this with friends by clicking below!

[wayno60]

https://fbcdn-photos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpl1/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/12705742_232497653753406_7343928200251244064_n.jpg ?oh=9074a178e015450ade7f93d2bdc9230d&oe=572499F2&__gda__=1466661851_43a9c61683be59780b8c555fe8398e7 4

[groverwa]

An old lady is asked the secret to a long and healthy life.



"For better digestion I drink beer.
If I have appetite loss I drink white wine.
In case of low blood pressure I drink red wine.
For high blood pressure I drink Scotch.
And when I have a cold I drink schnapps."

"When do you drink water?"

"I've never been that sick."

[groverwa]

The Birthday Party

An eye-doctor was having his 40-year birthday and had gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.

Eagerly, the doctor removed the blindfold and looked down on the cake and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes.

Surprised, the guests asked him why he laughed. After some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor finally said, "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week. He's a gynaecologist."

[groverwa]

EMPLOYEE NOTICE
**********************
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPEDcan apply to the Government to be considered for theSHAFTprogram (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTEDwill be reviewed under theSCREWprogram (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPEDonce, SHAFTEDtwice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who havebeenRAPEDcould get AIDS(Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDSor HERPESwill not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPEDand are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHITyou can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[littlejim]

Couple of lines from next "Sacha Cohen" film:
"She's the head of the world's biggest crime organisation!"
"?FIFA??"

[shaungonemad]

What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A little get together...

[shaungonemad]

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …
“Go look in the garage!”..smile emoticon

[shaungonemad]

What do you call a Kiwi with one short leg?

Not even bro.

[littlejim]

Wayno's jocule has reminded me of a shooting trip I went on in '61.
The property owner put us up in the shearers' hut and briefed us on the roos he was happy for us to shoot and the ones to leave alone.

He told us about his recently acquired expensive 'stud' ram. Cost a small fortune, but did nothing for the first couple of weeks.
At week three they started to think he might be 'gay', and consulted the local vet.
The vet gave them some hormone pills to give the ram, and told them to give only one a day, because they were pretty powerful.
After two days of 'one a day' nothing had changed, so they gave him the rest of the packet in one go.
Nothing happened for half a day.
Then he went through the whole flock about three times, started chasing all the female sheep dogs, and, according to the grazier, did all the fence post holes at least once.
Never had a problem with him after that.

[STUIE63]

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a - "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" convention.
Helen Clarksays, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis arenot stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer, please?

Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and stepsup to the stage. Helen asks him "What uz fufteen plusfufteen?” After 15 or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. All 50,000 Kiwis Startchanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!”Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end globalbroadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance.”

So she asks, "What uz siven plus siven?” After nearly 30seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!” Helen is quite perplexed, looks downand just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. Carlos starts cryingand the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!”

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says,"Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?” Carlos closes hiseyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!”

Throughout the stadium there is pandemonium. All 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wavetheir arms, stamp their feet and scream "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUMANOTHER CHANCE!"

[littlejim]

112949112950

[groverwa]

New Wine For Prior to Bed


A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.




NEW Wine for Seniors - I kid you not ...


Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be
marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!

[Gon Fishun]

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory, just for taking a day off. ::)

[rayken1938]

My Travel Plans For 2016

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense ! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
Cheers
Ray

[littlejim]

The 303 Bar at the Adelaide River Inn NT boasts the stuffed carcass of Charlie the buffalo, who Mick Dundee hypnotised in the First Dundee movie.
However I liked their BBQ aprons better, have the following text on the front:


I’d rather be in the 303 bar
Adelaide River Inn NT

than cooking this barbie
for you lazy bastards,

so get me beer right now

and
no one will get hurt.

[sparkyice]

I have a rare medical condition-
one of my testicles is larger than the other two.

[wayno60]

Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres
of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once
a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man
is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road.
Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might
like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready
to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business,
I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex too.'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming
to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter.... just gonna be the two of us.'

[wayno60]

Subject: When you're over sixty...

I was standing at the bar onenight, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me,grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phonenumber?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer missesyou."

Cost me 6 stitches...but, when youre oversixty................who cares?

**********

Cowboy:
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Cashier:
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy:
"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

When youre over sixty................who cares?

***********
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost afew pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.

I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over thereinstead of you.

Cost me a fat lip, but... When youre oversixty................who cares?
***********


I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess whatday a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patienceand said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When youre oversixty................who cares?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

Cost me a bloody nose, but... When youre oversixty................who cares?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on atable.

I said, "Goodlegs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed bynow."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When youre oversixty................who cares?

[sparkyice]

how can you tell a male ant from a female ant?
drop them in water.
if it sinks, girl ant.
if it floats, boy ant.

[littlejim]

I blew it!
Just had a call from a nice mans, with a sub-continental accent, from some department with a name like “Dept of Unclaimed Funds “.
He told me that they owed me about $7500.
When I asked him how this had happened he explained that I had been overcharged for taxes, rates, shopping, and few other items.
In my ignorance I couldn’t help blurting out ‘a likely story’ and shortly after that we were disconnected.

I never got to find out how to claim the money.
I suspect that after I gave him all my bank details he would have transferred the sum to me, but I’m guessing.

If he contacts you, could you resist the urge to be scornful, and find out how he arranges to get the money to you? It’s better to have the full story.

[wayno60]

Who am I?
One Monday morning the postman was walking through theneighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes, henoticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the homeowner,coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recyclingbin.
'Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of aparty last night,' the Postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had itSaturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 amSunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over forsome weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight thatwe started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do youplay WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out oneat a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through ahole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'msorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Yourname came up seven times.'

[coroboy]

Little Johnny made himself a small wooden kart to ride around in. He was spotted doing over 80km/h along a straight flat piece of suburban road by the local cop with a radar gun. The cop chased on his motorbike and caught up with little Johnny. He had a good look over the kart and noticed it was well constructed and even had a bonnet. He asked Little Johnny, who was known to him, how did he make the kart go so fast on a flat stretch of road with no hill to get started. Little Johnny replied that he had made a motor and it was under the hood. "Where did you get the parts?" asked the cop. "From Dad's iron lung" replied little Johnny. "And what did your Dad say about that?" "Not much" said Little Johnny. Dad just said "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! "

[GES]

Paddy McCoy was an elderly Irish farmer. He received a letter from the Department of Employment stating that there had been a complaint received by the Department to the effect that Paddy had not been paying his staff the minimum basic wage and an inspector would be sent out to interview the effected employees.
The inspector arrived in due course and said to Paddy "Tell me about your staff and the pay and conditions they receive from you."
Paddy said " Well, there's the farm hand. He is paid 250 pounds per week and gets free rent of a cottage for his family to live in here on the farm . Then there's the house keeper. She gets 190 pounds per week and free board and lodging in our house. Then there's the half wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work around here and he earns about 25 pounds per weeks, plus a bottle of whiskey and , as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife ."
The inspector was aghast and said "That's disgraceful . I want to interview the half wit."
Paddy said "Well now, that'll be me."

[sparkyice]

camouflage truck for sale-

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lyn/5684705739.html

[sparkyice]

Dear Landowner:
NYSDEC Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs
& other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this
research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing
this letter to request your permission to access your property. Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined
significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic
sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.
Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you
are willing to let us cross your property or not.

If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research. Sincerely N.Y. State Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist

RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNER:

Dear: N.Y. State Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist


Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for
the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this
matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).

You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first
vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at
the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life
prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).
Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.
Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2″ diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18″ handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6′ from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.
After 1pm you can use a net with a 3″ diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident). Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waives if you can verify “Native Indian Tribal rights and status".

You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog
Surveys and You” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely,
NYS land owner

[littlejim]

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/jetobler/trailers.jpg

[littlejim]

Have just twigged where I pinched it from.
Now trying to avoid Sparky.
(I blame old age.)

[littlejim]

This sort of thing started many years ago.
http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/jetobler/stealth.jpg

[Gon Fishun]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[Gon Fishun]

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

[littlejim]

just found this old blast from the past which made me larf.


"I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford her; but I thought it would be a cheap night out
for
you."

[littlejim]

While on attachment to Clark AFB in the Philippines in the early sixties, some of our sabre pilots were told about one of the USAFsquadron’s Electronic Warfare officers, who at their Stateside base, hadpainted his car with the radar absorbing paint used on the aircraft, and who also made up an electronic gizmo that processed the incoming police radar signal and returned it with his selected speed reduction incorporated.
The local cops presumably could be identified by the scratchmarks on their heads.

Locally, a while back, some of the kids from the local college pulled up behind one of our civvy operated speed check vans and asked the bloke inside if he would show them how it operated. While this was going on,their mate unscrewed the number plate from the van and put it on to the front of his car. He then made several high speed dashes past the van before replacing the plates. We never got to hear the upshot of the bookings.

[littlejim]

Just read a great little story (RD) in the doctor's waiting room while waiting to go in.

If I remember the right man, it was lawyer F.E. Smith before his later appointments.

A young bloke was suing a bus driver for injuries to his shoulder, Smith was questioning him.

Smith asked: "How far can you lift your arm now?" The bloke lifted his arm a few inches wincing with pain.
Smith asked: " How far could you lift it before the accident?"

The bloke raised it above his head.

[Gon Fishun]

An American on holiday was inside Perth’s Cathedral taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$5,000 per call'
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $5,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Adelaide, there, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Perth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $5,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then traveled to Melbourne and Sydney, in every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same “$5,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving New South Wales decided to travel to Queensland to see if the Queenslanders had the same phone.
He arrived in Brisbane, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 Cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many cathedrals. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the other states in Australia the price was $5,000 per call. Why is it only 50 cents here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'you’re in Queensland now, son ...... it's a local call’

[groverwa]

Words of Wisdom in short doses...


Behind every angry woman, stands a Man
who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Been there done that.
Then, been there several more times,
because, apparently I never learn!

Every time you talk to your wife,
your mind should remember that this...
'Conversation will be recorded for
training and quality purposes'.

Some things are just better left unsaid.
And I usually realize it, right after I say them.

Life is short.
Smile, while you still have teeth.

Don't try to understand women,
women understand women,
and they hate each other.

Arguing with a woman is like
reading the Software License agreement.
In the end you have to ignore everything,
and click "I agree".

Never make a woman mad.
They can remember stuff that
hasn't even happened yet.

Remember, women always
have the last word in an argument.
Anything a man adds after that
is the beginning of a new argument.

"Be decisive. Right or wrong,
make a decision. The road of life
is paved with flat animals that
couldn't make a decision.

If a woman says"First of all,"
during an argument, run away
because, she has prepared
research, data, charts,
and will destroy you.

A wise man once said nothing.

[littlejim]

Can't rememeber if this has been posted before. If you haven't heard KBCB's stuff before you might get a larf.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAOq99LdsoY

[littlejim]

Apols if I've put this one up before. (I blame old age.)

Some years ago one of our local policemen, on attachment to Indonesia, was
killed in an air crash.


At his funeral one of his mates told the story of when they were doing a
highway patrol session in Canberra (Red Hill) and pulled over a young bloke
in a flashy car for speeding.


As they got to the driver's window the kid, in a pompous voice said "do you
know who my father is??!!"


The mate said the late cop replied "sorry son, I can't help you with that,
it's a question you'll have to ask your mother."


He then he proceeded to book the kid.

[Lancair]

2 cows are standing in a paddock.

The first cow says "Hey did you hear about that mad cow disease? Sounds pretty scary."

The second cow say "Yeah I know, lucky I'm a penguin!"

[littlejim]

Just in case you haven't seen this one:

The Rancher.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she decided to place an ad in the paper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job...One was gay and the other was a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it
would be safer to have him around the house than a drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have really done a good job, and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on the Saturday night..
One o'clock in the morning however,and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand.
Finally he returned around at two thirty, upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine in her hand, waiting for him.
She stood up and quietly called him over to her.
Her eye's were sparkling with the reflection of the fire in them, and she was breathing very heavily.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said..
Trembling, he did as she asked.
"Now take off my shoes." He did as she directed, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my tights." He removed them ever so gently and placed them neatly by her shoes.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbutton it, and let it drop onto the rug whilst watching her eyes in the fire light.
She moved slightly closer to him and said." Now take off my bra." Again, and with tremling hands, he did as as he
was told and slowly placed it on the floor next to all her clothes glancing at her navel as he went down.
Then she told him to look up at her, and said.
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, your fired."

[littlejim]

Freshly filched from elsewhere:


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

[RayLamp]

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

[RayLamp]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here".

[RayLamp]

I work in a library and this guy came up to me and asked, “Do you have a bookmark?”
“Of course,” I replied, indicating the packed shelves, “We have thousands. By the way, my name’s Dave.”

[RayLamp]

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

[RayLamp]

When my Dad broke his wrist, he asked the doctor if he will be able to play the piano. When the doctor said he can he replied "Great, I couldn't play it before".

[RayLamp]

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

[RayLamp]

I got my friend an elephant for his room.


He said thanks.


I said don't mention it.

[RayLamp]

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree".

[RayLamp]

Last year I joined a group for anti-social people.
We haven't met yet.

[RayLamp]

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music", but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and get "kicked out of Bunnings"

[RayLamp]

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.
He's fully recovered now though.

[RayLamp]

I just got back from the zoo. I saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.

[RayLamp]

Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.

[RayLamp]

My local newspaper is running a competition where you can win a holiday for you and a friend in Dubai. I was going to enter but I don't have any friends in Dubai!

[RayLamp]

In the park today, I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

[RayLamp]

No matter what I do for the kids my wife is always finding fault with me. I bought my 2 year old daughter her very first jigsaw yesterday and as usual the wife went mental. Yelling and screaming something about her being to young for powertools.

[Cape Crusader]

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[Gon Fishun]

Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his upset wife.
Tearfully she said, “The chemist insulted me this morning on the
phone. I had to call time and time again before he would even answer
it..”
Straight away, the husband drove to town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told
him, “Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
didn’t go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, only to realise that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and I had to break a window to get my keys.”
“Then, driving too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre.”
“When I finally got to the store a crowd of people were waiting
for me to open. I got the store opened and started serving these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing.”
“Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register
drawer to get change, and they went all over the floor. I had to get
on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still
ringing. When got up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase displaying perfume bottles. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer.”
“Believe me mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

[Gon Fishun]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, suggesting that I do something useful with my time.
"Like, me sitting around the pool and drinking beer is not a good thing?" I asked.
My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the
Senior Centre and join something.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Dad are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
I calmly replied, "Oh, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be real fun.
Just because you're "young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

[RayLamp]

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "Is that stool taken?"

[RayLamp]

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

[RayLamp]

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers, “Sir can I have five beers please.”

[RayLamp]

I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.

[RayLamp]

Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?
A. I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.

[RayLamp]

I used to be addicted to soap. I’m clean now.

[RayLamp]

Q. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A. It’s ok, he woke up.

[Lancair]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice,“£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her, "I study law and I know how to screw people."

[littlejim]

Here is an oldie:
A ladies’ threesome, a spinster, a matron and young lady about town, is going round the golf course on the heels of a bunch of veterans having their annual Services golf day.
This involves guzzling down a booze drink of some type at each tee, before hitting off.
Just where the course doubles back on itself, one digger can’t hang on any longer and goes up the shrubs that separate the front from the back course, and starts to relieve himself in the bushes.
The ladies hear a stream like noise coming from the shrubs separating the back leg of the course from them, and see a pair of trousered legs and a hand holding a male appendage, from which a stream of urine is pouring.

The spinster says: “Eek! A man! How disgusting!”
The matron says: “It’s not MY husband!”
The YLAT says: “He’s not a member of THIS club!!

[Gon Fishun]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

[littlejim]

Not a joke, just a funny real story.

'The padre at RAAF base Amberley usually held a service in a nearby hamlet then returned to base for another service. This particular day his car quit on the return journey so he lifted the bonnet to see if there was an obvious cause. Just then a passing corporal pulled up and asked if he could help? He soon found the trouble and got the engine started, turning to the padre he said that will be $6 thank you, to which the padre replied I don't have any money with me, but if you would care to bring your mother and father to the chapel next Sunday I will marry them for free!'

[Gon Fishun]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered...
Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!"

[sparkyice]

it's only 18 days till Christmas!!

...or if you're a meth head, that's just 4 sleeps!

[Gon Fishun]

:-?:-?:-?

How many online forum group members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ".
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....




:'(:'(:'(

[Lancair]

I desperately want to convey seasonal greetings to everyone and without offending any human under Section 18c of the Racial Discrimination Act.
So ... Please accept, without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated, recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018; but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

NOTE: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at
the sole discretion of the wisher.
Name withheld
(Privacy Act).

[Cape Crusader]

Summer solstice??? Isn't that pagan, I'm sure someone in this new fascist virtue signalling, victim status brainwashed Australia will be totally offended
Merry Christmas and happy new year to all ausfishers from an agnostic pragmatist ;)
Cheers
Rod

[Gon Fishun]

116619


:o::):-*

[Gon Fishun]

A stockman named Bruce was overseeing his herd on the stock route in Western Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bruce looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the stockman and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bruce. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bruce says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Senator from Canberra", says Bruce.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

[littlejim]

116778have to type in some text - won't post just the picture????
Blush! just noticed where I pinched it from!

[littlejim]

At one stage at Butterworth I got a call from the AdminO that I had accumulated too much leave, would have to take a week off.
One of the fighter pilots, Bill Scott, who was in the Rugby team like me, mentioned he had to be Range safety Officer at the Song Song Island gunnery range, north of Butterworth for the coming week, and suggested I go along with him. This was arranged forthwith.
That night one of the fighter pilots (I’ll blame Duggan) mentioned that the sand bar behind the gunnery targets still had plenty of 20mm solid slugs in it, from the days when the Vampire was the RAAF’s fighter. The sand stopped them from squashing and kept them in perfect shape. He reckoned I was a lucky little b*ggar to have the opportunity to collect a few while I was at Song Song, because they were going to become collector’s items in the fullness of time. All the other fighter pilots backed up what he was saying and echoed how lucky I was.#
After we arrived, there was a fair bit of housekeeping and setting up for the range crew, I periodically pestered Scotty as to when I could get out on the sandspit and collect my 20mm slugs.
Eventually, I guess day two or three, he gave me the all clear and I set off for the spit.
Had just reached the start of the spit when I heard a roaring noise somewhere above me. I looked up and saw 4 Sabre fighters roaring down towards me doing eleventy twelve.
Suspect that I hold the unofficial world record for the 300 metre dash.
Also empathise with the poor blighters in the Middle East being strafed, that’s the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life.

# Didn’t see any wry smiles or winks – they must have done all the plotting and larfing in the crew room.

[tug_tellum]

If a Crackhead dies, do they become a Methylated Spirit?
tug

[RayLamp]

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

[RayLamp]

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?


A: Bugs Bunny

[RayLamp]

What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?


“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”

[littlejim]

Signs from around the world

117101

[littlejim]

Apols in advance if this has been up before (did search).

"I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles last night.

My next crap could spell disaster."

[littlejim]

SeaBreeze users will have had a larf at the 'brown' arrow colour when their forecast wind speed is alarmingly high.
However they might not have seen the performance of the 'green' arrow when you connect via a telephone line, and things are really slow.
When you get a connection the green arrow appears, while things are whirring away it taps its foot, a bit later it has a shoofty at its watch, then taps its foot again. this repeats until the download finishes. (Sorry about the blurry one - best I could get.)
117271117270

[roz]

"Hillbilly Dayvorce"HEA




A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said,


"How can I help you?"


The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces."


The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"


The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."


The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?"


The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."


The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"


The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."


The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"


The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere."


The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"


The farmer said, "No, we both gets up at 4:30."


The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"


The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

[littlejim]

An old bloke had owned a large mango farm for several years. The farm, just outside of Broome, had a large natural rock pool with natural fresh water seeping in to it not far from his farm house. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up with a nice grassed area, gas BBQ, shade cloth, picnic tables and bench seats, basketball hoop and some orange and lime trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pool, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pool, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pool.


He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pool naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."


Some old blokes can still think fast....

[cqfreshie]

The fishing has been quiet of late, so wanting to do something nice for the wife I took her to dinner. As we walked into the restaurant, I noted it was full. Not a vacant table to be seen.
I took out my mobile, stood a little away from my wife, while speaking a little loudly into the phone, "Your suspicions are right madam, your man is here with another woman. You had best come over and have a chat with her"
Eight couples left the restaurant very quickly.

[Marco1]

What did the traffic light say to the car?



Don't look, I am about to change. :)

[RayLamp]

Some funny pics

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[shaungonemad]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190531/275ea991e925bda3544dbb380562dc30.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RayLamp]

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[shaungonemad]

You might get a laugh out of this

https://www.facebook.com/758151210928226/posts/1973500162726652?s=100000316813935&v=e&sfns=mo


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[shaungonemad]

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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[shaungonemad]

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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RayLamp]

Lifesavers fans out there?

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[ozynorts]

💩💩 💩 Constipation💩💩💩
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...
12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a pussy in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted shit in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The shit/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your sphincter to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shit fart as it gurgled out of your ass.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your sphincter now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your sphinter's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a shit stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.
-unknown

[tunaticer]

I figure the drop test hasn't been done yet.

[frank100]

I think the problem is that it has been drop tested (going on facial expression anyway).
Frank

[jarvil]

When the machines rise up and take over the world, pray you are no where near a synthetic boner factory.

[RayLamp]

I couldn't help but laugh

120734

[shaungonemad]

I couldn't help but laugh

120734

That’s a pisser


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[RayLamp]

A priest, rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The barmaid asks the rabbit "What'll ya have?"

The rabbit says " I dunno, I'm only here because of autocorrect!"

[Ronje1]

122019

Chairman Dan of the People's Republic of Victoria.

[gazza2006au]

This object was pulled up from the deep the other day, anyone know its owner?122028

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[catshark]

yeahs thats mobys d***

[gazza2006au]

yeahs thats mobys d***U got the wife on the boat and u pull up that LOL she would be speachless haha

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[552Evo]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200812/ee3a7acc66579c9e24d9e70d0d3d0e41.jpg


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[gazza2006au]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200812/ee3a7acc66579c9e24d9e70d0d3d0e41.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using TapatalkAhh i get it haha "the wife says go fix the leaking tap" (the boat)

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[Ronje1]

This is one I stole from the Gladstone Fishing Network f/b page.


122195

[Ronje1]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.



Titanic: Cost – $29.99
Clinton : Cost – $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill


Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let’s not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of Seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let’s not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary – basically the same thing

[gazza2006au]

Gotta say monica was quiet an upgrade to hillery, she must have had billy boys heart pumping thats for sure

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[Ronje1]

Gotta say that this one is a true story.

Not my punchline but I was happy to use it.

Was on a bus in Los Angeles in the tourist zone sitting behind two men who turned out to be an Englishman and a New Zealander.

Kiwi (South Pacific Pom) asked Englishman if he knew who won the All Blacks vs Aussie rugby union test.

Englishman (real Pom) replied " New Zealand of course".

Real Pom to Kiwi (South Pacific Pom) " where are u from"?

Kiwi " New Zealand".

Pom "Of course. For a moment there I thought you were one of those horrible " OORSTRALIANS".

Kiwi " I don't like them either".

I was a bit 'pissed off" by this stage probably mainly 'cos we lost the RU Test but with these 2 guys also by the comments.

I sat there trying to work out what to say (if anything).

Bus pulled up for our stop before the 2 guys stop.

As I stood up to exit the bus, I leaned over and the conversation went along these lines:

Me. "I'm one of those "horrible Ooorstalians" and I accept that its my fault for not assuring that I would not be seated near a Pom and a South Pacific Pom".

Embarrassed looks from both and a muttered "sorry" from both.

Me " Don't apologise. Both of you are entitled to an opinion. As I am".

Me (to the Pom) " I suppose that you've heard the oft-quoted statement that the sun NEVER sets on the British Empire? Do you know why?"

Pom " Yes. Its because the British Empire extends all the way around the world and that somewhere the sun is always shining on a part of the british empire".

Me " Nope. Nothing to do with that. The real reason is that not even God would trust a Pommie in the dark".

Me to the kiwi " You should emigrate to England. You'd fit in well there".

Then I got off before these guys had worked out if they were angry or not.

Wish I had thought of that comeback but it it belonged to somebody else.

[gazza2006au]

Batman the sly devil 122318

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[gazza2006au]

Haha victorians 122319

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[Ronje1]

Yes Minister (with Daniel Andrews)


Victoria Premier Daniel Andrews has insisted that Nobody made the decision to hire private security guards used in the state’s quarantine hotels.

In his appearance on Friday afternoon at the inquiry into the Government’s bungled quarantine system, Mr Andrews insisted that Everybody knew Nobody was responsible.

“It was definitely Nobody’s fault. Everybody knew that” he said. “Ask Anybody.”

His testimony appeared to contradict evidence from Everybody to the inquiry that Somebody in the Premier’s office made the decision that led to Melbourne’s deadly coronavirus second wave.

Mr Andrews showed the inquiry a text message from Somebody in his office asking Everybody if Anybody knew how the quarantine would be enforced.

“Nobody replied to the text because Nobody knew,” he said. “This proves that Nobody was to blame.”

Counsel assisting the inquiry Rachel Ellyard told Mr Andrews: “It’s hard to believe that Nobody could have known what was going on. Somebody must have made the decision to use security guards rather than police or army personnel.”

Mr Andrews replied: “I realise Everybody wants to point the finger at Somebody in my office but it was Anybody’s guess how these operational decisions were made. And the fact is that Nobody knew.”

Ms Ellyard pressed the matter, insisting: “Anybody would assume Somebody from your staff must have signed off on the decision.”

A clearly agitated Mr Andrews told her: “Anybody can make allegations against Somebody but Nobody wins when that happens.

“I think it’s fair to say that Everybody assumed Somebody made the decision to employ private security contractors. I don’t think that’s Anybody’s fault. Nobody can be blamed for that.”

Ms Ellyard put it to the Premier that hotel quarantine was entirely too important to be left to private contractors.

“Given what’s at stake, given the seriousness of the virus, Ms Ellyard, I think Everybody could agree that’s a fair statement, yes,” Mr Andrews said. “Anybody could see that”

Ms Ellyard then asked the Premier if he could explain how it all went so wrong.

“I know Everybody believes Somebody should be held accountable,” he said. “The simple fact is that Everybody thought Somebody would take responsibility and Anybody could have, but Nobody did.”

Ms Ellard asked: “Are you saying Nobody is responsible for this whole fiasco?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Mr Andrews said.


“I’m not Nobody, I’m the Premier. And like Everybody, I find these mistakes unacceptable. I’m Somebody who is as sorry as Anybody about this.

“I want to say to you, Madame Chair, I await your final report so we can better understand what I have just said and so I, as leader of the government, can take appropriate action against Nobody.”

[Ronje1]

Dear Employees:








As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Joe Biden is our President-Elect and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But, since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the state of the economy, we had to lay off sixty of our employees instead.


This had really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found sixty 'Biden Harris' bumper stickers, [out of a total 321 vehicles] on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.


They voted for change...I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

[Ronje1]

Two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.

One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.

(Borrowed from elsewhere)

[Ronje1]

122772

I took the covid vaccine and I feel fine.

[Ronje1]

MP Singing in Parliament of Western Australia “Plastic Bags banned" [Sounds of Silence] - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nwbv-xEX8U)

Year 2020.. The year that was.

[Ronje1]

This is what's needed for fishing.

A bus service route to nominated fishing locations with timetable etc. Can picture it already operating on Sydney Harbour, Gippsland Lakes or Port Philip Bay. Maybe troll out of a window on the way to the next stop.

Or maybe one of the more popular impoundments in Aus.

HAFENCITY RIVERBUS | The spectacular amazing swimming bus | 4K-Quality-Video - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83lwedVFFeg)

[disorderly]

This is what's needed for fishing.

A bus service route to nominated fishing locations with timetable etc. Can picture it already operating on Sydney Harbour, Gippsland Lakes or Port Philip Bay. Maybe troll out of a window on the way to the next stop.

Or maybe one of the more popular impoundments in Aus.

HAFENCITY RIVERBUS | The spectacular amazing swimming bus | 4K-Quality-Video - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83lwedVFFeg)

They have the original army ducks up here Ron..just take a 2 piece rod and troll up a Barra on the tour...;)

https://www.rainforest.com.au/experiences/army-ducks/

[Ronje1]

Thanks, Disorderly.

Dukw are fascinating bits of machinery. At 1770, a tourist service operates along the beaches (across creek mouths) up to Bustard Head,

Govt wouldn't allow them to operate unless they had 2 with the 2nd one as the only type of recovery vehicle capable of going to those places.

I was thinking of the maritime bus route in Moreton Bay (or similar).

[Lucky_Phill]

Thanks, Disorderly.

Dukw are fascinating bits of machinery. At 1770, a tourist service operates along the beaches (across creek mouths) up to Bustard Head,

Govt wouldn't allow them to operate unless they had 2 with the 2nd one as the only type of recovery vehicle capable of going to those places.

I was thinking of the maritime bus route in Moreton Bay (or similar).

Seems odd that the LARC's can drive up the beach at Eurimbula National Park as long as they have a 2nd vehicle, yet I cannot, even with 2nd vehicle.. I smell a double standard. :-?

LP

[Ronje1]

G'day Phil

1770 LARC! Tours | Town of 1770 & Agnes Water Tours (https://1770larctours.com.au/)

Never been on one of their trips. They go up to Bustard Head lighthouse.

Maybe its simply a condition of any access permit from Gov that they have to provide their own rescue and/or recovery service. There'd be obstacles preventing that from happening if they only had 4WDs. With Larcs there'd be no obstacle.

Maybe if you had a Larc u'd be OK Phil?

They had 1 Larc but needed another before they could start. They found a 2nd one for sale in a 2nd hand caryard in Rocky.