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Goodoo haven
10-06-2013, 11:18 AM
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained.

"But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

Goodoo haven
10-06-2013, 11:22 AM
Something here for everyone……
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
*****

ozynorts
10-06-2013, 06:04 PM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Chimo
13-06-2013, 02:13 PM
An Aussie bloke invites his mate back home for dinner, without first discussing it with his missus. When they arrive home unannounced, his wife calls him into another room, shuts the door and screams at him:



"I haven't done my hair or put on any make-up, I haven't done any housework.. I haven't had time to do last night's and this morning's washing up, the beds aren't even made and you know I can't be bothered cooking!



Why the Hell did you invite him home for dinner???"

Her husband looks at her and replies:

"Because he's thinking of getting married.

sparkyice
14-06-2013, 01:40 AM
do you folks down under have walmart stores?
if not, close your borders before it's too late...

http://beartales.me/2013/01/14/the-latest-crop-of-walmartians/

groverwa
14-06-2013, 11:32 AM
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was actually reported by a teacher).
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore.
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night. Early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck!
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

groverwa
14-06-2013, 05:05 PM
Toilet sign

groverwa
14-06-2013, 09:15 PM
For a bit of a giggle have a look at http://www.youtube.com/embed/pfxB5ut-KTs?rel=0

Mike

Gon Fishun
15-06-2013, 06:36 PM
The guys were on a fishing trip. No one wanted to room with The Lump because he snored so badly.
They decided that it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time so they voted to take turns.
The first guy Cobiaman slept with The Lump and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said Man, what happened to you? He said The Lump snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.
The next night it was Lucee81 turn. In the morning, same thing. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were bloodshot. They said Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said The Lump shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.
The third night was Muddy Toes turn.
He was a tanned fisherman ... a mans man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. Good morning! he said.
They couldnt believe it. They said Man, what happened?
He said Well we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked The Lump into bed, patted him on the bum and kissed him good night on the lips.
The Lump sat up and watched me all night.

Names changed to protect the innocent.

Goodoo haven
17-06-2013, 11:35 AM
"I’m fine thanks," I replied.
“My name’s Jack,” I said and introduced myself.
"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later,” she suggested.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and very persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes so she could give me a massage.
Afterwards, I thanked my hostess for the exhilarating session I had with her.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth replied with a smile, “Where is she, anyway?"

"Under the cart!" I said...

Goodoo haven
17-06-2013, 11:55 AM
Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne .. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R �
Allah be Praised."
Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

lostandbroke
20-06-2013, 09:15 PM
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

solemandownunder
22-06-2013, 08:09 AM
Little Johnny came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

Little Johnny replied that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked he if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing,

To which he replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us." :P

Gon Fishun
23-06-2013, 09:12 AM
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

Gon Fishun
23-06-2013, 09:14 AM
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in OUR garden. Let's see how they like it!"

2 weis
23-06-2013, 10:39 AM
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

Touching story, isn't it!

spinyeel
23-06-2013, 02:47 PM
Ivan Milat was walking deep into the forest one night with a couple of backpackers.
One of them says 'Ivan,it's so cold,dark and scary out here'.
Ivan replies,'It's alright for you two,I've gotta walk back on me own" :-?

Gon Fishun
23-06-2013, 03:31 PM
Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Gon Fishun
23-06-2013, 05:03 PM
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

groverwa
24-06-2013, 08:26 PM
A male worm meets a female worm. The male worm says, "How about you and I going back to your place?"

The female worm replies, "Fine" and they go to her burrow in the soil. The male worm notices a picture of the female worm with another guy-worm. The male worm asks, "Is that your husband?"

The female worm replies, "Yes."

The male worm says, "I'm really sorry but I do not indulge myself with married worms."

The female worm says, "There's nothing to worry, my husband's not coming back."

The male worm asks, "How can you be so sure?"

The female worm replies, "That's because he got up early this morning and went fishing!"

sparkyice
25-06-2013, 04:11 AM
i got a carton of worms at a local box store just the other day. on the lable, true story, were the words:

"our worms catch fish or die trying"

sandman55
27-06-2013, 12:34 AM
Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had
been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . ... The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the do you do with dead people on your planet?'

wayno60
28-06-2013, 11:38 AM
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
... his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

groverwa
30-06-2013, 05:56 PM
beware of the dangers

littlejim
01-07-2013, 05:25 PM
*Irish Vasectomy*

*
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children ...
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to
go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy
in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, ?5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and for NSW* rugby league
supporters.....................

*modify to taste

Chimo
03-07-2013, 01:56 PM
the frog …

A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' & knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy & asked what he wanted.

He said: ''I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to pay for it & I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she asked him in.

The Madam told him to select any of the girls he liked.

He asked: 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said: 'No'.

The boy said: 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber – she’s the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant & had the money to pay, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, & headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him & asked: 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease?’

The boy said: 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum & Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car & he'll catch the disease.

Then, when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he & Mum will go to bed & have sex, & Mum will catch it.

In the morning, after Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum & catch the disease, & HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

groverwa
05-07-2013, 09:18 PM
A young Law student, having failed one of his Law exams,

Goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his
razor-sharp legal mind.


Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"



Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor,


would I?"



Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question.


If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my
marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer,
however, you'll have to give me an "A".



Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"



Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and


neither logical nor legal? "



The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the
answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student'sfailing mark
into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.



The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all


afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of



his brightest students and tells them he has a really,really tough question



to answer:



"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical


nor legal? "



To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students


immediately raised their hands.



"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer


"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old
and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical..
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A",
which is neither legal, nor logical."

Goodoo haven
09-07-2013, 10:42 AM
She was lying in bed one night. I was falling asleep but she was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily I reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, I reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
... Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, I threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"

Lancair
09-07-2013, 01:13 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYuzDabqmbc

Lancair
09-07-2013, 01:18 PM
A man came into hospital with swollen balls. The Doctor looked at them and said "Now then how did this happen"?

"I was walking through some long grass and crouched down to tie my shoe lace" says the man "Suddenly a rabbit trap snapped shut on my balls."

"Jesus that must have hurt" says the Doctor."

"Not as much as it did when the chain ran out" says the man.

groverwa
09-07-2013, 03:18 PM
I said sit

ozynorts
09-07-2013, 08:32 PM
INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the U.S. “Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
________________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj’s Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.
__________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy’s Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
___________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk’s Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now,get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
____________________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
___________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice and peppers
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
____________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash’s Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj’s Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

wayno60
19-07-2013, 11:53 AM
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then ...said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

sparkyice
20-07-2013, 09:26 PM
'brian jonson' sings the hokey pokey song


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=PDKAekDXPcw

littlejim
21-07-2013, 06:11 PM
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on hisback, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.


Horrified, the golfergot his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.


"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.


"Oh, I see. Well,ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"


"Thank God, you'reall right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise."


And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."


A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,"the little guy says."I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game isfantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."


"Oh, I'm fine now,thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"


"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."


"C'mon, c'monnow," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."


"What?"responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"


"Well," saysthe golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Chimo
22-07-2013, 03:39 PM
RYE BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high

And you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit, but me.."

groverwa
24-07-2013, 07:35 PM
Little Johnny


Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a damn cat!!!;D;D;D;D

Goodoo haven
25-07-2013, 12:23 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't take off your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

Goodoo haven
25-07-2013, 12:34 PM
Medicare

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him

Goodoo haven
25-07-2013, 12:36 PM
We all remember the KFC "Julia Meal"

Small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the “Rudd” Bucket: it consists of nothing but left wings

and an arsehole.

thelump
25-07-2013, 01:14 PM
Prince Williams heir has fallen out!

littlejim
27-07-2013, 10:50 AM
Please forgive me if I've put this one up before. (I blame old age.)

Two mates were advised by their doctors that they needed the dreaded 'per rectum' examination to check their prostate, but kept putting it off.
Eventually one summoned up the guts to have it done. His mate rushed round the next day to see how it went.

Mate 1: 'It wasn't anywhere near as bad as we thought. He got me drop my daks and bend over, then he put his right hand on my right shoulder and shoved his left finger up my...
No! No! he put his left hand on my left shoulder and shoved his right finger...
No...........


The bugger!! He had both hands on both shoulders!!

stevemid
30-07-2013, 08:12 AM
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week. 'The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it

Chimo
01-08-2013, 03:34 PM
Guy goes into a bar where there's a robot barman.



The Robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "A beer."



The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"



The guy says,"168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . But he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.



The robot barman says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "A beer."



Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"



The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about car races, football, cricket and things of that nature.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.



The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "A beer," and the robot brings him his beer.



The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"



The guy says, "Uh, about 50."


The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . You people still happy with Kevin?

wayno60
02-08-2013, 10:36 AM
What's the difference between a RUDD and a RUDDER? ....
A RUDDER can turn a boat around!!!''

Chimo
04-08-2013, 12:19 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.

' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

tak35bne
04-08-2013, 02:16 PM
So if Prince William is 100 percent Royal and his wife Kate is 0 percent Royal, does that make their son a half blood Prince?

cormorant
05-08-2013, 03:15 PM
I thought the Redneck 300 was a race but it's about someone you know.

Already spat my coffee in laughter.

http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/300_reasons_redneck.htm

Chimo
06-08-2013, 04:02 PM
At last we have the answer.

Labor Surplus -- AT LAST !!
Click on below to find the Labor surplus :
Labor Reveals Surplus Plan (http://www.liberal.org.au/Share/web/LabBud/index.html)



Maybe this should be in Politicshttp://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/image/jpeg;base64,/9j/4AAQSkZJRgABAQEAYABgAAD/2wBDAAoHBwgHBgoICAgLCgoLDhgQDg0NDh0VFhEYIx8lJCIfIi EmKzcvJik0KSEiMEExNDk7Pj4+JS5ESUM8SDc9Pjv/2wBDAQoLCw4NDhwQEBw7KCIoOzs7Ozs7Ozs7Ozs7Ozs7Ozs7Oz s7Ozs7Ozs7Ozs7Ozs7Ozs7Ozs7Ozs7Ozs7Ozs7Ozv/wAARCAE4AdgDASIAAhEBAxEB/8QAHwAAAQUBAQEBAQEAAAAAAAAAAAECAwQFBgcICQoL/8QAtRAAAgEDAwIEAwUFBAQAAAF9AQIDAAQRBRIhMUEGE1FhByJ xFDKBkaEII0KxwRVS0fAkM2JyggkKFhcYGRolJicoKSo0NTY3O Dk6Q0RFRkdISUpTVFVWV1hZWmNkZWZnaGlqc3R1dnd4eXqDhIW Gh4iJipKTlJWWl5iZmqKjpKWmp6ipqrKztLW2t7i5usLDxMXGx 8jJytLT1NXW19jZ2uHi4+Tl5ufo6erx8vP09fb3+Pn6/8QAHwEAAwEBAQEBAQEBAQAAAAAAAAECAwQFBgcICQoL/8QAtREAAgECBAQDBAcFBAQAAQJ3AAECAxEEBSExBhJBUQdhcRM iMoEIFEKRobHBCSMzUvAVYnLRChYkNOEl8RcYGRomJygpKjU2N zg5OkNERUZHSElKU1RVVldYWVpjZGVmZ2hpanN0dXZ3eHl6goO EhYaHiImKkpOUlZaXmJmaoqOkpaanqKmqsrO0tba3uLm6wsPEx 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Chimo
11-08-2013, 07:23 PM
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth.

I did.

Fried chicken is my favorite animal.I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the Principal's Office.I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.



She sent me back to the Principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.







I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.







Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.







I told her, "Colonel Sanders."







Guess where I am now?

Gon Fishun
13-08-2013, 05:03 PM
Why women should avoid a girls night out after they are married...




(If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of

humor.)

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told

my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the

door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed

three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another

nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up

with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible

conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus

nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him

'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem ticked off in the least. Whew, I

got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he

said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,

then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat,

cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then

tripped over the coffee table and farted.

sparkyice
15-08-2013, 02:33 AM
86% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

sparkyice
15-08-2013, 02:39 AM
how Canada got it's name:

back when Canada's founding fathers were drafting their constitution and what not, there arose quite an argument as to what the name the fledgling nation.
eventually a compromise was reached and it was determined the chairman would draw letters of the alphabet out of a hat, to be recorded by the secretary. thus, the country would have a neutral, non-controversial name.
he began...

"C", eh

"N", eh

"D", eh

and the rest is history.

sparkyice
15-08-2013, 02:49 AM
there are 3 types of lies:
lies, damned lies, and statistics


interesting-
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lies,_damned_lies,_and_statistics

kingcray
15-08-2013, 11:16 AM
Six Basic Rules For Good Health
















1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.




2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.




3. F***ing refreshes you.




4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.




5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!! SO ... REMEMBER ...





6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ... And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!

littlejim
17-08-2013, 05:45 PM
how Canada got it's name:

back when Canada's founding fathers were drafting their constitution and what not, there arose quite an argument as to what the name the fledgling nation.
eventually a compromise was reached and it was determined the chairman would draw letters of the alphabet out of a hat, to be recorded by the secretary. thus, the country would have a neutral, non-controversial name.
he began...

"C", eh

"N", eh

"D", eh

and the rest is history.


didn't realise it was named by a Kiwi.

Gon Fishun
27-08-2013, 02:10 PM
The woman applying for a job in a lemon orchard in Orange, seemed to be far too qualified for
the job; given her arts and education degrees from Sydney University and her job as a social worker and school teacher.


The foreman frowned and said,
I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"

"I've been divorced three times, owned two Fords, supported the Wallabies, and I voted for Julia Gillard."

Chimo
29-08-2013, 07:00 AM
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a
living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside,
"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Labor Party and is helping to get Rudd re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

Chimo
30-08-2013, 02:01 PM
MALE VS. FEMALE LOGIC!

Woman:
Do you drink Guinness?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $9.00

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a Guinness costs $9 and you have 3 a day which puts your spending each month at $810. In one year, it would be approximately $9855 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $9855, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $197,100, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much Guinness, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting

for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink Guinness?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

Chimo
30-08-2013, 05:31 PM
Pensioner's reply re Coles

Didn't like shopping there anyway.


Yesterday I was at my local COLES store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Coles. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Lancair
30-08-2013, 05:36 PM
Teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200ft yacht, an infinite Visa card, and I want to screw her three times a day...."
The teacher, deeply shocked, ignores the boy, and turns to little Nancy, and asks "What about you, dear?"
"I wanna be Billy's bitch!"

ozynorts
30-08-2013, 08:30 PM
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

solemandownunder
01-09-2013, 05:07 AM
Old married couple watching TV. Man keeps flipping between a fishing show and porn. Wife finally says: "Leave it on the porno! You already know how to fish!" 8-)

Chimo
03-09-2013, 10:00 AM
Old Sea Story...


There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first lieutenant that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The “Jimmy” responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The “Jimmy” went straight to the stokers mess deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you men smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Garrett, you change with Shorten, Crean, you change with Ferguson, and Wong, you change with Thompson ."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.

kingcray
04-09-2013, 12:36 PM
Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.



'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation..




'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'



The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

(You're going to love this, and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!)




































'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

Chimo
06-09-2013, 06:54 PM
https://www.youtube.com/embed/n6mbW-jMtrY?rel=0

72qtrex
14-09-2013, 09:38 PM
Tony Abbott is our PM

Gon Fishun
16-09-2013, 07:34 AM
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO US ALL - THE GOLDEN YEARS!

Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car."

This is why there called, " the Golden Years!"

Lancair
16-09-2013, 02:22 PM
I have a true story like that.

My Aunt and Uncle met for dinner at Indooroopilly Shoppingtown and then went to see a movie. They went home together in my Uncles car. Next morning my Aunt figures her car has been stolen and reports it to police. A few days later the police call her and say they found her car, locked up at the shopping centre with no signs of forced entry. She went a collected the car, thanking the police for doing a great job. She never did tell them that she now realises that's where she parked it!

Lancair
16-09-2013, 02:23 PM
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.



The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.



The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does..."

solemandownunder
16-09-2013, 03:13 PM
an old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.



The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.



The barber replied, "just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does..."

hahahahhahahaahahahahahhaha

Chimo
17-09-2013, 01:46 PM
The wit of the Scots



.
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.


Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.


The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."


The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."


And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"


The Scotsman replies,

"Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

wayno60
17-09-2013, 07:06 PM
Job at the FBI




The FBI had an opening for an assassin .
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

in a chair . . . kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't

have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

after another. They heard screaming, crashing,

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.






'I had to beat him to death with the f # cking chair.'

sparkyice
18-09-2013, 04:55 AM
I have a true story like that.

My Aunt and Uncle met for dinner at Indooroopilly Shoppingtown and then went to see a movie. They went home together in my Uncles car. Next morning my Aunt figures her car has been stolen and reports it to police. A few days later the police call her and say they found her car, locked up at the shopping centre with no signs of forced entry. She went a collected the car, thanking the police for doing a great job. She never did tell them that she now realises that's where she parked it!


my buddy's dad was doing some work on his motorhome one spring, preparing it for the season.
the next day he went out to start the generator...GONE!!!
as the police investigated, my freind came home to all the commotion. his dad was quite upset.
he became more upset when it was pointed out to him that he had turned the RV around in the driveway, and the generator was in the compartment on the driver's side, now facing away from the house...

groverwa
18-09-2013, 02:10 PM
A little folksong for your enjoyment..............turn up the sound and enjoy.<http://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM (mhtml:{C2AB7EDC-E068-403A-B29A-0D06869C2B59}mid://00000013/!x-usc:http://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM)> ;D:o

Chimo
18-09-2013, 04:31 PM
96425Indian food can be bad for you And others!

PS This is an example of a Bad joke:oops:

Xahn1960
19-09-2013, 01:52 PM
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a
while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
...
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see
if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop."Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a
Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my
flower Garden. It used to really tick me off.. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab
hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck ! Oh,
by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Gon Fishun
20-09-2013, 04:35 PM
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others

your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?

Well......you'll love this one!

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the

waiting room for my first appointment with a

new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma,

which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark

haired boy with the same name had been in my

secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret

crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded

any such thought.

This balding, grey haired man with the deeply

lined face was far too old to have been my

classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked

him if he had attended morgan park secondary school .

'yes, yes i did. I'm a morganner! 'he beamed with pride.

'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked

he answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?

'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then the ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat arsed,

grey haired,

decrepit,

bastard asked..

'what subject did you teach ?

Lancair
21-09-2013, 09:19 PM
A man is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife hits him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
The wife replies: "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man then explains: "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologises and gets on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness he asks why she has hit him again. Wife replies: "Your horse phoned."

sparkyice
26-09-2013, 04:40 AM
96425Indian food can be bad for you And others!

PS This is an example of a Bad joke:oops:



...after a "long business lunch"?
reading all that he consumed at lunch it does seem possible, but one wonders what business he is in, or was it simply his massive weight that did her in?

Gon Fishun
26-09-2013, 08:39 PM
A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid. ;D;)8-)

Goodoo haven
29-09-2013, 03:45 PM
Two young guys appear in court afterbeing arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like niceyoung men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time. I...want you to go out this weekend and
try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court
Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the firstguy, "How did you do over the
weekend?""Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful .How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told
them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is
your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy." And how did you do?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this:
o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your ass hole before prison.............

littlejim
29-09-2013, 05:52 PM
Here's a corny one for you:

A toughold cattleman from Jindabyne counselled his granddaughter that if she wanted tolive a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on heroatmeal every morning.

The granddaughterdid this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She leftbehind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25great-great-grandchildren,
and a 40-foot hole wherethe crematorium used to be.

groverwa
29-09-2013, 09:24 PM
Politcians

Chimo
01-10-2013, 05:00 PM
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.


Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.

So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs...

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!


Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

groverwa
01-10-2013, 11:21 PM
A New Bigger and Better Mouse for Women



After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PCs.
Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem.
Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right'in their hands.
Based on the research,a new mouse has been designed especially for women.
Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:
Chantelle from Roodepoort said:-
'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.'
Wendy from Discovery added:-
'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women.
It fits right in with my lifestyle.'
Susan from Pretoria said:-
'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!'

reelcrazy
03-10-2013, 07:57 AM
All arrivals in Heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too.
I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest ......."

groverwa
04-10-2013, 11:34 AM
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him,"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,"I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!";D

shaungonemad
05-10-2013, 04:15 PM
So the joke is you think we care ^.

Gon Fishun
06-10-2013, 04:25 PM
ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person


And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

groverwa
09-10-2013, 06:54 PM
My living will

Chimo
09-10-2013, 06:58 PM
"Without Prejudice"

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
5 - Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
8 - Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
13 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

Chimo
11-10-2013, 06:50 AM
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Gon Fishun
11-10-2013, 08:06 AM
The Indian With One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that
Name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
Cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
Again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called
Him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
Forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
Jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
The forest where he made love to her all day and
All night. He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what
He promised he would do.

Years went by and no
One dared call him by his given name until A woman
Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
Away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
Overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him
And said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
Night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
Her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!








Why ???








OH, come on... Take a guess !!!








Think about it !!!








You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows.


You can't kill Two Birds


WithOneStone!!!

Chimo
11-10-2013, 02:33 PM
How tough are Australian men??

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.



Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.





Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...





Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'





Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp, end I'm still here today'





Colin, the tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his p8n6s.

Chimo
11-10-2013, 04:12 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWFq-v7TKdQ

Gon Fishun
14-10-2013, 01:07 PM
Subject: Fw: GOLF AND THE COW

















A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's, well you know.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

Chimo
14-10-2013, 01:49 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GesFxg1R4K0

wayno60
15-10-2013, 08:47 PM
The Australian Taxation Office suspected a #fishing (https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/fishing) boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
.
ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
....
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.
.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
.
ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

Gon Fishun
21-10-2013, 08:32 AM
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ....."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE .. LONG SILENCE .. VERY LONG SILENCE ..

"Ernesto, if you broke that f""king driver, you're in deep shit."

Lancair
21-10-2013, 03:24 PM
The reason why baby nappies have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will

Chimo
22-10-2013, 04:07 PM
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,






Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room, Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & dodder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way .......Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me, ..................


I've Quit Drinking!

Chimo
23-10-2013, 06:29 PM
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
...
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

wayno60
23-10-2013, 11:51 PM
A wife says to her husband, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"

He says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," she replies, "I won $12 , here's $6 - now piss off!"

cormorant
24-10-2013, 04:49 PM
The best lawyer ...


The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

And then the lawyer said, "So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

cormorant
24-10-2013, 04:51 PM
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.





A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

cormorant
24-10-2013, 04:52 PM
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

kingcray
25-10-2013, 10:40 AM
A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. Dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.


He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,


'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 31kgs that week...

littlejim
26-10-2013, 04:28 PM
(hope it hasn't been put up b4)

The Last Kiss

Back on January9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn'twant to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend'opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

groverwa
28-10-2013, 01:44 PM
MARKETING
One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's former President Bill Clinton.
* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That's America

cqfreshie
28-10-2013, 08:06 PM
Attendance call on the first day back at a school in Auburn.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."
"Ali Son al Len" Silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al Len", continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

She repeated, "Is this the name of any child here?"

A girl stood and said, "I think that's me, Miss. It's pronounced Alison Allen"

Chimo
29-10-2013, 10:45 AM
B&Q



This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.


HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big **** and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.



After landing my new job as a B&Q “Greeter”, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, tattooed Bognor Babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B&Q." I then said "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B&Q."

My Supervisor said that I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Goodoo haven
29-10-2013, 10:49 AM
An elderly man in Queensland , Australia had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can sure think fast



...... the sight made his day ...

Chimo
31-10-2013, 08:58 PM
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Chimo
01-11-2013, 06:28 PM
Just a tad different to words..............

Remember Ken Block?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKOaF7esBFY

wayno60
05-11-2013, 11:21 PM
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all so...rts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."

groverwa
06-11-2013, 07:47 PM
A Tap on the Shoulder...




Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.


The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.


For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."



The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."


The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

groverwa
07-11-2013, 08:55 PM
A man's age & Bunnings



Man's age as determined by a trip to Bunnings.


You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.

You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch,
old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what
and an old pair of old tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
realize you need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.


Depending on your age you might do the following:


In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your
teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne, because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in
the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much
else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror.
Still got it..
Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the
hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a
trip to Bunnings.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got
Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes.
The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so
you are not sure.


In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing.
Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are
hanging out the hole in your crotch.


In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing.
Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around
trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.


In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I?
Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you?
Who farted?

Chimo
12-11-2013, 10:05 AM
I wasn't sure whether it should go here or Politics or "Darwin's Evolution Explained" but thats a thread Steve is yet to introduce, Mods Please consider Thanks ........ https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=647337575287426&set=vb.100000335681277&type=2&theater

Chimo
12-11-2013, 10:25 AM
Further to the Evolution theme, we could all learn from this example, take curry for example..........

The bar and a monkey...
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off
the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow
swallowed it whole.The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your
Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey
ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it,
stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt,
pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,
pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass
that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Lancair
14-11-2013, 07:00 AM
http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q153/Biggles70/Funny/decoy.jpg (http://s135.photobucket.com/user/Biggles70/media/Funny/decoy.jpg.html)

Chimo
20-11-2013, 10:28 AM
A Doctor was addressing an audience at my local club.
"Years ago, the foods we put into our stomachs would have been enough to have killed most of us sitting here if not for medicine".
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water".
"However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have probably eaten it, or will eat it".
He then asked the audience if anyone could name the food that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it.
A guy in the audience jumed up and yelled “Wedding Cake.”

groverwa
20-11-2013, 09:46 PM
My son's first alcoholic drink

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters - he didn't like it
so I drank it.
Next I offered him a Carlsberg, he didn't like that either so I drank
that one as well.
In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky
and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram;D:o

solemandownunder
21-11-2013, 05:43 AM
My son's first alcoholic drink

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters - he didn't like it
so I drank it.
Next I offered him a Carlsberg, he didn't like that either so I drank
that one as well.
In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky
and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram;D:o


I'll admit....THAT one took me a sec....;D

wayno60
22-11-2013, 08:28 AM
Always Tell the Truth
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
...
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Chimo
26-11-2013, 09:00 PM
HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

littlejim
28-11-2013, 02:09 PM
The Golden Bar

The next morning wifey was a bit cheesed off with hubby who had overdone it with the re-union he had attended the night before, and told him so.



“I couldn’t help it” he said, “we found this unusual place on the other side of town called the ‘Golden Bar’. Everything there was gold; the floor was gold, the chairs and tables were gold, the bar was gold, the ceiling was gold, even the urinal was gold.”



“I’ll find them in the phone book and you can confirm it yourself.”



Wife rings and asks” is that the Golden Bar?”

“yes.”

“Is the floor golden?”

“Yes.”

“Is the furniture golden?”

“Yes.”

“Is the bar golden?”

“Yes.”

“Is the urinal golden?”





She heard a hand go over the mouthpiece, and a muffled voice say “ hey Frank, I think we’ve got a lead on the bloke who peed into the saxophone!”

Chimo
28-11-2013, 02:51 PM
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local bottle o.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"(Spoken like a true Aussie)

Chimo
01-12-2013, 06:29 AM
Must Like Dogs!

http://distractify.com/fun/humor/scout-is-the-single-most-composed-dog-on-the-planet/

Chimo
03-12-2013, 11:54 AM
Beware, Death Can Happen When You Least Expect It.!:(

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Chimo
10-12-2013, 01:28 PM
More on the "You can be dead theme"

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed - as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she
looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In
a quiet voice he said,
"Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford....?

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

wayno60
10-12-2013, 03:12 PM
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

Chimo
10-12-2013, 05:55 PM
The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.
Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.but in the end we came to the conclusion
the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

Chimo
11-12-2013, 11:55 AM
Back to death again, sorry!!


The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties..

"May I help you sir?" she asked ..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied ..

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.


Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.


Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again,


once more demanding to see Valerie.


Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.


There were no discounts..


The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.


Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,


"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.


Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said.


"I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said.


"Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor.


I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."


The moral of the story:


Three things in life are certain:


1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Chimo
12-12-2013, 07:49 PM
Message for the holidays (Merry Xmas All)


With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. ::)

Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.:D

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.:o

bugsytwoshoes
13-12-2013, 06:55 AM
A soldier was running as fast as he could down the street when he noticed a nun standing on the corner. " Please sister, may I hide under your skirt for a minute, I'll explain later?" " Of course my son." Just then two military police came running by. "Sister, have you seen a soldier pass this way?" "He ran that way officers!" A minute later the fugitive emerged from under the nuns dress. "I can't thank you enough sister I'm so grateful.The military police were after me because I don't want to go to Afganistan. Sister if you don't mind me saying you have a magnificent set of legs!" The sister replied,"Well soldier if you had of looked a little higher you would have noticed a magnificent set of testicles, I don't want to go to Afganistan either!"

Chimo
13-12-2013, 09:35 AM
Bank Robber



In Brisbane, a hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot & killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old BLOKE named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you!!!!

groverwa
15-12-2013, 01:30 PM
The Lookout
Two brothers have had trouble getting work. They finally wind up at the docks.

A ships captain agrees to take them on with the proviso that they stay out of
sight of the rest of the crew as much as is possible.
You see one has only one eye, a giant cyclopian eye smack in the middle of his
forehead. So the the captain sends him up to the crow's nest having figured that
this was probably the best place for him.
The second chap was equally unfortunate. He had only one ear, a giant elephant
like ear on his right side. He was sent to swab the decks.

A couple of days out to sea and the bloke in the crow's nest yells out
"Chinese junk off the starboard bow!" The captain and other officers race up on deck
and begin peering through their telescopes but see nothing for about ten minutes.
A black speck appears and finally , after much time, is determined to be a Chinese junk.

The captain is amazed and congratulates the lookout, expressing his admiration for the man's eyesight. The lookout says it had nothing to do with him and his eyesight, he knew it was a Chinese junk because his little brother had heard them talking!!

Chimo
18-12-2013, 10:58 AM
The Wonder of it All:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Canberra playing marbles.

aussiefool
18-12-2013, 08:34 PM
Men of the World!......BCF Major Score!!!! found a combination Ladies leg hair remover and fish scaler for $5.95 BCF you ROCK!!!

wayno60
19-12-2013, 05:04 PM
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce...; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Gon Fishun
20-12-2013, 02:55 PM
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Chimo
22-12-2013, 12:35 PM
The Irish Furniture Dealer.


Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.


As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could n o t understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.


He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.


They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it.





To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Chimo
23-12-2013, 05:06 PM
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Chimo
23-12-2013, 05:06 PM
These really work!!



Amazingly simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer..

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hi t the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Chimo
23-12-2013, 05:08 PM
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Carol is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Carol surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Carol .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

littlejim
23-12-2013, 05:45 PM
Hey man, dis da search enjin fo' all da bro'.
http://www.gizoogle.net/tranzizzle.php
Den yo ken tarp in ausfish man.

littlejim
04-01-2014, 07:52 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WoM2bHfr48

Chimo
10-01-2014, 03:16 PM
WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

ozynorts
11-01-2014, 06:42 AM
Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What’s the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What’s the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

JohnWard
13-01-2014, 03:32 PM
I fully apologise that this is my first joke contribution...
Why don't seagulls live in the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.:D

Gon Fishun
13-01-2014, 09:04 PM
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.

Axl
14-01-2014, 10:44 AM
Seniors.....

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

groverwa
14-01-2014, 09:03 PM
Seniors Bridal Register
Dennis, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Airdrie, are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the
way they pass a drugstore. Dennis suggests they go in.

Dennis addresses the man behind the counter : "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Dennis : "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist : "Of course, we do."

Dennis : "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Dennis : "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist : "Definitely."

Dennis: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist : "You bet!"

Dennis: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist : "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Dennis : "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist : "Absolutely."

Dennis : "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist : "We sure do."

Dennis : "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist : "All speeds and sizes."

Dennis : "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist : "Sure."

Dennis : " We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

groverwa
14-01-2014, 09:05 PM
Man of Means
Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."
"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."


The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says, "Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".


Sarah replies, "Property? ... the bugger has a paper round!"

sparkyice
15-01-2014, 01:45 AM
my cousin liked to brag about having the biggest willie in his 4th grade class. i could understand his pride in this, if he were'nt the only one with a driver's license as well.

littlejim
27-01-2014, 05:28 PM
99977
for the enthusiast.

gr hilly
31-01-2014, 09:56 PM
100097 ha ha ha

groverwa
01-02-2014, 06:54 AM
The Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money


Many people had tried .... over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.


One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."


After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence .... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon .... and six drops fell into the glass.


As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"


The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the Taxation Department

Lancair
04-02-2014, 12:00 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9pD_UK6vGU

wayno60
05-02-2014, 11:49 AM
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.



"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said....



The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.



After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."



So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"



"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"



"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.



The girl finished her bath and went to bed.



Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"



"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."



"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."



"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

Lancair
11-02-2014, 03:15 PM
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Halfway through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says, "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."
So his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out again. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?” his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," the boy says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they are now starting to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?” says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited, "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad", the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with the little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son-of-a-bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"

Lancair
11-02-2014, 03:18 PM
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot, grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Chimo
12-02-2014, 01:48 PM
Recently, while I was working in my yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year-old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said that she wanted to be the prime minister someday.

Both of her parents were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were the prime minister of Australia, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give shelter and food to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow... what a great goal!" I replied. "But you don't have to wait until you're the prime minister to do that!" I exclaimed.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go down to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use for food and shelter."

She thought that over for several seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work himself and you can pay HIM $50?"

I said... "NOW you're thinking like an Australian!"

Her parents no longer speak to me.

Gon Fishun
13-02-2014, 08:14 PM
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could put one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.




Don't mess with us seniors!

wayno60
20-02-2014, 04:36 PM
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to

serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing

confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in...

on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions,

then the old priest asks him to step out of the

confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your

chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying

things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'”

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one

hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little

better than slapping your knee and saying,

‘No shit, what happened next?????’"

Gon Fishun
20-02-2014, 05:42 PM
One Friday, a balding, white haired and very smartly dressed man from Ascot, walks into a jewellery store with a drop dead gorgeous, and much younger lady at his side.
He tells the jeweller “I’m looking for a special ring for my lady friend here”
The jeweller looks through his stock and brings out a beautiful, sparkling $5,000 ring.
The elderly gentleman says, ‘No, I’d like to see something even more special.’
At that point, the jeweller looks through his stock and brings another, MUCH larger ring over.
‘Here’s a stunning ring, twice the size with 3 times the clarity, however it’s very expensive…It’s $40,000’.
The younger lady’s eyes sparkle and her whole body trembles with excitement. The old man seeing this says, ‘We’ll take it.’
Adding ‘I’ll pay by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phones the old man and screams ‘There’s no money in that account!’
‘I know,’ said the old man,
‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’ ;D

Chimo
25-02-2014, 07:44 AM
Thought about this for the Politics thread but ...............

The Tax System Explained in Beer============================================== =
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this…
· The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing
· The fifth would pay $1
· The sixth would pay $3
· The seventh would pay $7
· The eighth would pay $12
· The ninth would pay $18
· The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59
So, that’s what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.
“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20″. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
The bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
· And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
· The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
· The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
· The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
· The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
· The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,”but he got $10!”
“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier
osphere is somewhat friendlier

Chimo
25-02-2014, 11:11 AM
An Australian electrician (Royalty of all Trades, or at least they think they are) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name,
and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.
" "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter,
I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what?
I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician - the Royalty of all Trades??"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160
years old! God himself wants to see you!" The electrician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says
"Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be
forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."


PS This could apply to a number of trades and labour situations.....

Gon Fishun
28-02-2014, 10:00 AM
Sex and good grammar.



On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?"

"Your wife must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine
will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was
the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle ..

Chimo
28-02-2014, 02:14 PM
The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
Asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
From you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
Pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
Next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
Him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
The barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
Community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
Next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
Card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
Barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
Community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
Citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Lancair
03-03-2014, 01:05 PM
A man sends a text to his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I can't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damned autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

sparkyice
06-03-2014, 05:07 AM
my girlfreind stormed out of the bedroom the other night. she was furious with me.

it was then i realized that, somehow, you don't really mind the smell of your own farts.

groverwa
07-03-2014, 01:43 PM
And why do farts smell?

Answer - For the benefit of deaf people.;D:o

Nicko_Cairns
08-03-2014, 10:25 AM
A female blonde cop stops a female blonde motorist and asks for her drivers licence.


The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a makeup mirror.


She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, hands it back and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a cop I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

Nicko_Cairns
08-03-2014, 10:26 AM
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

you don't pay 200 bucks for having a lentil on your forehead!

wayno60
08-03-2014, 12:43 PM
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"...

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

littlejim
09-03-2014, 05:39 PM
This asked me to add 10 characters otherwise it wouldn't show the picture. (That's more than 10 so hope it works.)

101452

Chimo
09-03-2014, 05:45 PM
lj

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/showthread.php?103565-Attaching-photos-files-to-posts

littlejim
10-03-2014, 07:58 AM
thanks Chim, had a bit of fun getting something to appear, will have a good shufti at that stuff before the next go.

sparkyice
11-03-2014, 03:26 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_aoSRH9Ddhs

Rufus
11-03-2014, 12:46 PM
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"

groverwa
12-03-2014, 04:16 PM
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses??

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees,

and he thinks irrationally?
Ever wonder why?













It's because she smells like a New Truck!!

sparkyice
14-03-2014, 02:41 AM
what do you call a kiwi flying an airplane?





a pilot, you racist bastard!

Chimo
16-03-2014, 01:04 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw

groverwa
21-03-2014, 11:54 PM
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. ...

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on May 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his anus with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his own golf club.

sparkyice
22-03-2014, 04:23 AM
did you know if you say "Gullible" very slowly it sounds like you're saying "Green Beans"?

Chimo
27-03-2014, 10:42 AM
If this bloke is not in advertising then he should be.

What a great use of words and creativity!!!


An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section :

This bloke deserved to receive a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

groverwa
27-03-2014, 11:04 AM
Drinking problem
Our grandmothers had a genuine knowledge of staying healthy naturally.

My grandmother lectured me about her practical knowledge:

"For better digestion I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine,
with low blood presure I favour red wine, for high blood pressure I reach
for the cognac and whenever I have a heavy cold I drink lots of Vodka"

I asked, "And when do you drink water Grandma?"

She replied, "I have never been that sick".

groverwa
27-03-2014, 11:08 AM
Punography

Saw these on another forum and thought you might enjoy them.

1.) I tried to catch some fog…..I mist.
2.) When chemists die….They barium.
3.) Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
4.) A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray…Is now a seasoned veteran
5.) I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid…He says he can stop anytime.
6.) How does Moses make his tea ?…..Hebrews it.
7.) I stayed up all night to see where the sun went….The it dawned on me.
8.) This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club..But I never met herbivore.
9.) I’m reading a book about inti-gravity…..I can’t put it down.
10.) I did a theatrical performance about puns…..It was a play on words.
11.) They told me I had type A blood…But it was a type O.
12.) A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
13.) PMS jokes aren’t funny….Period !
14.) Why were the Indians here first ?….They had reservations.
15.) Class trip to the Coca Cola factory…..I hope there’s no pop quiz.
16.) Energizer Bunny arrested……Charged with battery.
17.) I didn’t like my beard at first….Then it grew on me.
18.) How do you make Holy water ?….Boil the hell out of it.
19.) What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ?…A thesaurus.
20.) When you get a bladder infection….urine trouble.
21.) What does a clock do when it is hungry ?..It goes back for seconds.
22.) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger….And then it hit me.
23.) Broken pencils are pointless.
24.) Should you ever need an ark, I Noah guy.
25.) England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
26.) I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
27.) I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
28.) All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
29.) I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
30.) Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.
31.) Velcro — what a rip off!
32.) A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
33.) Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
34.) The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
35.) Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Rufus
27-03-2014, 09:32 PM
Retirement is different for everyone.
















One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village.. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass..
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.
On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her?
Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?
Yes,' she said, "aren't they darlings?
They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.

kingcray
28-03-2014, 10:20 AM
Visiting Australia
An English tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man
on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.
A few k's further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and
went into the pub for a drink.
He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged
guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.
The English tourist turned to the barman and said: "What sort of country
is this?! A few K's down the road there was a guy having sex with a
kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone."
The barman said, "You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg, how do you
expect him to catch a kangaroo?"

kingcray
28-03-2014, 11:30 AM
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a small village and sees a local sitting on his verandah, patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi,

'G'day. Mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
from the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a !@#$%^& liar!'

Chimo
31-03-2014, 05:47 PM
A man in rural Idaho wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.


So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for


"Up North Bear Removers."


He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.


The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.


He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bulldog.


"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.


"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."





He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.




"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.


"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."










=

Chimo
02-04-2014, 11:43 AM
A balding, white haired man from Naples , Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.





He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.






The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'








At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.''








The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'






On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said: 'There's no money in that account.'








'I know,' said the old man,





'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

Gon Fishun
03-04-2014, 03:18 PM
102231..........

groverwa
04-04-2014, 06:38 AM
A blonde fits a cat flap
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXSuBoXtDEU

groverwa
07-04-2014, 03:23 PM
Part of my ongoing effort to educate the masses.


You'll love the logic here.




The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
In other words, bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major space shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined more than two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
Now you know: Horses' asses control almost everything .... Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?

groverwa
07-04-2014, 06:23 PM
Satnav in & on Auto
I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

groverwa
12-04-2014, 04:50 PM
A Stable?
When my kids were little, I read
them the nativity story out of the
big family Bible.

When my son was old enough to talk,
he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain
it to him in terms he could understand,
then told him, "It's something like
your sister's room -- but no stereo
or computer.";D;D

sparkyice
16-04-2014, 02:16 AM
my neighbour was having a hard time getting people to adopt his litter of kittens for free.

"you're going about it all wrong", i explained, "you need to sell them".

"sell them, are you daft? i can't even begin to give the buggers away!"

"you're going about all wrong, Bill. you need to run an ad in the paper advertizing them for sale."

"you're out of your mind!", said Bill.

" no, not at all", i said, "you just need the right sales pitch. here, now, give this a go. you start your ad with 'kittens for sale, $50.00'. "

"nobody will ever bite on that, you lunitic."

"sure they will, Bill. you simply follow up that lead with 'excellent for training Pit Bulls' "

within hours after the ad was placed some poofter from PETA bought up the whole lot, all 9 of the things, and the SPCA wants some, too.

Bill's out looking for more right now, as a matter of fact.

Lancair
17-04-2014, 02:41 PM
An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.


God Bless the lower ranks.

wayno60
17-04-2014, 11:25 PM
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
... Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'
Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

Chimo
18-04-2014, 02:16 PM
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..






"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!

Chimo
22-04-2014, 02:06 PM
I didn't write it, I s just shares it!

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ......The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

littlejim
22-04-2014, 06:51 PM
for the wine buffs;
http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/jetobler/wine.jpg

groverwa
22-04-2014, 08:50 PM
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him,
'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" and that's when I shot the bastard. ;D
::)

sparkyice
24-04-2014, 04:05 AM
i was looking for a couple of chickens on craigslist and found an ad offering to lease me two laying hens with a coop.
i bit.
this is lease agreement they sent me. it's real. they're serious.
i told them i'd have to have my lawyer look it over.
(they're just chickens, for christ's sake!)


CUSTOMER RENTAL AGREEMENT
Version 2013.1

This Customer Rental Agreement (this “Agreement”) is made effective as of the Effective Date (as
defined in Schedule 1), by and between Customer (as defined in Schedule 1) and Hens2Rent LLC (“H2R”).
1. AGREEMENT TO LEASE. H2R hereby agrees to lease to Customer and Customer hereby agrees
to lease from H2R, subject to the terms and conditions of this Agreement, the Equipment and the
Hens, as defined and further described in Schedule 1 attached hereto. Except as otherwise expressly
provided herein, the Equipment and Hens shall at all times be and remain the sole and exclusive
personal property of H2R. Customer shall be solely responsible, at its own cost and expense, for the
payment of any and all taxes, fines, permit fees, and penalties, and for compliance with applicable
laws related to Customer’s use, possession, and leasing of the Equipment and Hens.

2. RENT. Customer shall pay rent to H2R for the use of the Equipment and Hens in the amounts
specified on Schedule 1 (the “Rent”).

3. TERM. The Term of the Agreement shall commence on the Commencement Date (as defined in
Schedule 1) and end on the Expiration Date (as defined in Schedule 1) (the “Term”).

4. ASSUMPTION OF RISK; DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY; LIMITATION OF DAMAGES.
a. Except as otherwise expressly provided herein, H2R makes no representations or warranty,
express or implied, as to any matter whatsoever related to the Equipment, the Hens, or
compliance with requirements of any applicable laws, codes, ordinances, or specifications
pertaining to the Equipment or the Hens. Except as otherwise expressly provided herein,
Customer accepts the Equipment and the Hens on an “AS IS,” “WITH ALL FAULTS” basis.
b. CUSTOMER UNDERSTANDS THAT MAINTAINING AND CARING FOR THE HENS
AND EQUIPMENT CAN BE DANGEROUS WITH THE RISK OF BODILY INJURY,
ILLNESS, DEATH OR PROPERTY DAMAGE. As against H2R and its officers, directors,
partners, members, managers, employees, and agents, CUSTOMER HEREBY ASSUMES
FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR RISK OF BODILY INJURY, ILLNESS, DEATH OR
PROPERTY DAMAGE INCURRED BY CUSTOMER OR ANY OTHER PERSON
ARISING OUT OF OR RELATED TO CUSTOMER’S USE, RENTAL, MAINTENANCE,
OR CARE OF THE EQUIPMENT AND HENS.
c. Notwithstanding any provision herein to the contrary, H2R SHALL NOT, UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES, BE LIABLE TO CUSTOMER OR ANY THIRD PARTY, FOR
CONSEQUENTIAL, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES ARISING
OUT OF OR RELATED TO THE CUSTOMER’S USE OR RENTAL OF THE
EQUIPMENT AND HENS.

5. RISK OF LOSS. From the date H2R delivers the Equipment and Hens to Customer, Customer
assumes and shall bear the entire risk of loss for theft, damage, destruction, death, illness, or other
injury to the Equipment or Hens from any and every cause whatsoever. In the event of such theft,
damage, destruction, death, illness, or other injury during the Term, Customer shall (i) notify H2R of
such within forty-eight (48) hours and (ii) pay to H2R within five (5) days of H2R’s written demand
the amount required to make all repairs or treatments necessary to place the same in good repair,
condition, and working order, as reasonably determined by H2R; provided, however, H2R shall
reimburse Customer all amounts received in excess of H2R’s costs incurred therefor. If H2R
determines that the Equipment or Hens are lost, destroyed, damaged, ill, or injured beyond reasonable
repair or treatment, Customer shall pay H2R the replacement value for the same in good repair,
condition, and working order. Customer Rental Agreement Version 2013.1


6. OWNERSHIP OF EQUIPMENT AND HENS. Except as otherwise provided herein, the
Equipment and Hens shall be and remain the sole and exclusive property of H2R. Customer
acknowledges that it has not and by the execution of this Agreement and the payment of Rent
hereunder does not and will not obtain any ownership, title, or property rights or interest, legal or
equitable, in the Equipment and Hens.

7. MAINTENANCE & CARE. Customer shall, at the sole cost and expense of Customer, maintain the
Equipment in good repair, condition, and working order and care for the Hens and Equipment in
accordance with H2R’s instructions and with reasonable concern and supervision for the wellbeing of
the Hens; provided, however, all material repairs or wellness treatments shall be performed or
authorized by H2R subject to Section 5.

8. H2R’S ACCESS TO EQUIPMENT AND HENS. Customer shall at any and all times during
hours of 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m., upon 24 hours prior notice to Customer, grant H2R free access to
enter upon the Customer’s premises wherein the Equipment and Hens are located to inspect the
Equipment and Hens, and, upon the Expiration Date or if damage, destruction, death, illness, or other
injury to the Equipment or Hens has occurred or if there is a substantial risk thereof (as determined by
H2R) during the Term, to repossess the Equipment and Hens. The rights of H2R under this
paragraph shall survive the expiration or early termination of the Term.

9. NO ALTERATIONS TO EQUIPMENT. Customer shall not make any changes or alterations in or
to the Equipment. All repairs, parts, supplies, accessories, equipment, and devices furnished, affixed,
or installed to or on the Equipment or any part or unit thereof, shall become the property of H2R.

10. LOCATION OF EQUIPMENT AND HENS. Customer shall not part with possession or control
of, or suffer or allow to pass out of its possession or control, items of Equipment or the Hens or
change the location of the Equipment or Hens from the Customer’s delivery site without the prior
written consent of H2R.

11. ASSIGNMENT. Customer shall not assign or in any way dispose of all or any part of its rights or
obligations under this Agreement or enter into any sublease of all or any part of the Equipment or
Hens without the prior written consent of H2R. H2R may assign this Agreement without the
consent of Customer.

12. EVENTS OF DEFAULT. An “Event of Default” shall occur hereunder if during the Term
Customer (i) fails to pay any installment of Rent or other payment required hereunder on or before the
due date therefor; (ii) fails to perform or observe any other covenant, condition or agreement to be
performed or observed by it hereunder; or (iii) without H2R’s consent, attempts to remove, sell,
assign, lease, transfer, encumber, or part with possession of all or any portion of the Equipment or
Hens or any interest therein or any interest in this Agreement. Customer agrees that the occurrence of
any of the foregoing Events of Default shall substantially impair the value of this Agreement to H2R
and shall be deemed a substantial default entitling H2R to exercise all of the remedies in Section 13
below. Customer Rental Agreement Version 2013.1


13. REMEDIES. Upon the occurrence of any Event of Default and at any time thereafter, H2R may,
with or without cancelling this Agreement, in its sole discretion, do any one or more of the following:
a. sue for and recover all rents, and other payments, then accrued or thereafter accruing,
hereunder;
b. take possession of the Equipment and Hens, without demand or notice, wherever the same may
be located, without any court order or other process of law, and for this purpose H2R and/or its
agents may enter upon any premises of or under control or jurisdiction of the Customer or any
agent of Customer, without liability for suit, action or other proceeding by Customer (any
damages occasioned by such repossession being hereby expressly waived);
c. terminate this Agreement; and
d. pursue any other remedy at law or in equity.

14. INDEMNITY. Customer shall indemnify and hold H2R and its officers, directors, partners,
members, managers, successors, assigns, employees, and agents harmless from and against all claims,
losses, liabilities (including arising under negligence, tort and strict liability), damages, judgments,
suits, and all legal proceedings, and any and all costs and expenses in connection therewith (including
attorneys’ fees) arising out of or in any manner connected with the possession, use, storage, operation,
or maintenance, care, or repair of the Equipment and Hens during the Term, including, without
limitation, claims for injury to or death of persons and for damage to property. Customer agrees to
give H2R prompt notice of any such claim or liability. Customer shall be solely responsible, at its
own cost and expense, for the payment of any and all taxes, fines, permit fees, and penalties, and for
compliance with applicable laws related to Customer’s use, possession, and leasing of the Equipment
and Hens. The obligations of Customer under this Section shall survive the termination or expiration
of the Term.

15. NON-CANCELABLE LEASE; OBLIGATIONS UNCONDITIONAL. The Agreement cannot be
cancelled or terminated except as expressly provided herein. Customer hereby agrees that Customer’s
obligation to pay all Rent and any other amounts owing hereunder shall be absolute and
unconditional.
16. OPTION TO PURCHASE. Effective as of the Expiration Date, Customer shall have the option,
provided no Event of Default has occurred and is continuing, and subject to the conditions set forth
herein, to purchase all, but not less than all, the Equipment and Hens, provided, however, that
Customer shall give H2R notice of Customer’s desire to exercise said purchase option at least ten
(10) days prior to the Expiration Date. Upon H2R’s acknowledgement of receipt of the additional
purchase amount due from Customer in accordance with Schedule 1, and subject to Customer’s
payment of all rental and other payments due hereunder, H2R shall be deemed to have conveyed and
released its entire title and interest in the Equipment and Hens on an “AS IS,” “WITH ALL
FAULTS” basis, without any other representation or warranty by H2R, and all transfer charges and
sales taxes will be paid by Customer whereupon Customer shall have no further obligation to H2R
for the payment of rental payments hereunder in respect of such Equipment and Hens; provided,
however, Customer's non rental obligations with respect thereto, such as tax and general
indemnification, shall continue.
17. ENTIRE AGREEMENT. This Agreement, together with the Schedule attached hereto, constitutes
the entire agreement between H2R and Customer; and it shall not be amended, altered or changed
except by a written agreement signed by the parties hereto. Customer Rental Agreement Version 2013.1


18. SEVERABILITY. In the event any provision of this Agreement is found to be unenforceable, such
provision shall be deemed modified to the extent necessary to allow enforceability of the provision as
so limited. BINDING EFFECT. This Agreement shall be binding upon and inure to the benefit of
the parties hereto, their successors, legal representatives and assigns, subject to the provisions of this
agreement.
19. LAW GOVERNING. This Agreement shall be governed by the laws of the State of New York,
without regarding to its conflicts of laws principles.

I _________________ (the leaser) hereby agree to the above lease agreement . I am at least eighteen years of age.


HENS2RENT
Schedule 1
2014
Rent your complete poultry package-
6 month lease- $50.00/month
Free delivery within a twenty mile radius of Arkport, Hornell, Canaseraga, and Bath,
50 cents a mile for further delivery.
Package includes-
A chicken tractor (movable chicken coop)(coops will vary)
2 laying hens
Feed, bedding, waterer, feeder
Expert advice
Deposit: of $100 when signing and returning the lease agreement
Balance: due upon delivery
Option to buy after lease is up: Complete package for $225

NAME__________________________
ADDRESS________________________
TELEPHONE______________________
DELIVERY DATE____________________- (WEEKDAY MORNINGS OR WEEKENDS)
DELIVERY TIME____________________

Chimo
27-04-2014, 01:07 PM
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers,
"A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"a quickie, please."



This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over...

.....and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced
'quiche'."

groverwa
30-04-2014, 12:59 PM
My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and that I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing "when to come in out of the rain", "why the early bird gets the worm", "life isn't always fair" and "maybe it was my fault".

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin, sun lotion or a Band Aid to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live when religions became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; "I Know my Rights", "Someone Else is to Blame" and "I am a Victim".

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Anon

groverwa
30-04-2014, 01:45 PM
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Lancair
03-05-2014, 10:34 AM
Just bought the latest cell-phone, made in Malaysia, put it in 'Flight Mode' and now I can't find the bugger.

littlejim
06-05-2014, 06:09 PM
It's all the go to 'see Jesus' in things like the Shroud of Turin, this dog owner spotted him on his hound.
102984

sparkyice
09-05-2014, 03:01 AM
well, he's out of the bathroom now...

sparkyice
09-05-2014, 03:05 AM
Ball Point Pens -

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero
gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a
decade and $2 billion developing a pen that writes in zero
gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

scottar
09-05-2014, 06:48 AM
Ball Point Pens -

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero
gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a
decade and $2 billion developing a pen that writes in zero
gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Yup. But it was probably that same attitude that gave us Chernobyl.

groverwa
09-05-2014, 08:41 AM
Dad's I pad.


Watch the following short clip, it takes less than a minute.



A daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.



She asks: "Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new



iPad we gave you for your birthday?"







This clip is spoken in German but it's totally understandable in any language.






http://www.snotr.com/embed/8965

Gon Fishun
17-05-2014, 07:01 AM
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?' ;D

groverwa
17-05-2014, 12:14 PM
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought...

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

Chimo
23-05-2014, 01:37 PM
God Loves Drunk People Too



A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.



The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"



"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

"God loves drunk people too you know."


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Chimo
24-05-2014, 06:55 PM
Thought you guys would like this... ( From a 144 page long thread on THT)

The Difference Between Men And Women. This Is Genius.

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Chimo
24-05-2014, 07:21 PM
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Chimo
24-05-2014, 07:22 PM
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Chimo
24-05-2014, 07:30 PM
TARZAN Meets JANE

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had Sex.

"Tarzan not know Sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what Sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

BobbyJ123
25-05-2014, 04:57 AM
Read the signs

http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w44/BobbyQld/SIGNS_zpsee51cca5.jpg

Chimo
27-05-2014, 01:54 PM
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

BobbyJ123
27-05-2014, 05:04 PM
And another senior one, Chimo...

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!!!

BobbyJ123
28-05-2014, 01:56 PM
https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=0f9a5b364e&view=att&th=14640ad8ea022643&attid=0.6&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

Chimo
28-05-2014, 03:17 PM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse

BobbyJ123
28-05-2014, 04:38 PM
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day
>.
>
> Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
>
> He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
>
> After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
>
> Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
>
> Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
>
> He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia,
>
> do you wear red panties tonight?'
>
> Startled, Sophia replies,
> 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight,
> But how do you know?'
>
> Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
> How do you like them?'
>
> Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
> ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
> Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi, I do,
> But how do you know that?'
>
> He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. .
> How do you like them?'
>
> Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
> Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
>
> Midway through the dance his face turns red...
>
> He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
>
> Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
> Please, please, tella me this true!'
>
> Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
>
> 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight.'
>
> Luigi gasps,
>
> 'Thanka' God - I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes!'

BobbyJ123
28-05-2014, 04:44 PM
The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details". These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, butI believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of mydaughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by mystiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMWservice stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise...

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8.From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the MagicKingdom

9. So much about that night is a blur The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Chimo
29-05-2014, 04:23 PM
THE WAY WOMEN THINK ....







Husband's Message (by mobile phone):



Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Paula brought me to the

Hospital. They have been performing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head

though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have

three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they

may have to amputate the right foot.





Wife's Response:



Who is Paula?

Chimo
29-05-2014, 04:26 PM
A balding, white haired man from Naples, Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000', the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said: 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See . . . . . . Not All Seniors Are Senile.

Chimo
29-05-2014, 04:32 PM
Yesterday I was at my new Brisbane COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

Chimo
30-05-2014, 02:46 PM
Scotsman's Chilli - funny






A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sits in the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili

After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks.

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl.

The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."



May the wind whistle quietly up ya kilt.

Lancair
30-05-2014, 06:56 PM
ittle Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says,
"Mum, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.
So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till its dark and steel the damn thing!"

littlejim
02-06-2014, 06:26 PM
for the squid hunters
103471

Chimo
03-06-2014, 07:59 AM
A professor at a Sydney University was giving a lecture on paranormal studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asked, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

88 students raised their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

40 students raised their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raised their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further ....
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bob raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience."

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
"So, Bob, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"


"Ghosts, shit, from way back there I thought you said "Goats.""

Chimo
04-06-2014, 10:25 AM
New Darwin Awards






SIXTH PLACE: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope, and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.


FIFTH PLACE: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth, and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.


FOURTH PLACE: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock, and was killed instantly when it fell on him.


THIRD PLACE: "Man loses face at party" A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne, "Another man had a blasting cap in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said," I'll show you how to set it off!” He put it into his mouth, bit down, and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said. (Note: Maybe that's why they call these the Darwin Awards)


SECOND PLACE: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friend had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."


THIS YEAR'S WINNER: John Pernicky and his friend, Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries upon moving the truck, they found John deceased under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Chimo
05-06-2014, 01:30 PM
103518For Your Information.

ozynorts
05-06-2014, 06:22 PM
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............

(scroll down)






"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

groverwa
05-06-2014, 08:45 PM
Pastor of Note
A Texas pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has
spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie
and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and
do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand
and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then,
slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway
train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as
she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple
of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.

Life is Short; Smile while you still have Teeth. Give me an Amen brother

Chimo
06-06-2014, 06:34 AM
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams,

“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

“Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.”

Chimo
07-06-2014, 08:18 AM
http://digg.com/video/drivers-in-ethiopia-dont-need-traffic-lights Perhaps Russians should be sent here for defensive driving lessons?
Maybe this is the wrong location, move if necessary.

sparkyice
10-06-2014, 03:59 AM
Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it.

"I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.", replied the little friend.

Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom.

"What do you want!", asked the father gruffly.

"I want a watch!", said Johnny.

"Well sit down and shut up!", replied the father.

sparkyice
10-06-2014, 04:00 AM
Teacher asked her class to use 'definitely' in a sentence. Jane raised her hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." Teacher told her that she was wrong because the sky is grey sometimes. Then Jack raised his hand and said, "Trees are definitely green." Once again Teacher corrected her student saying that trees turn different colors with the seasons.

Little Johnny raised his hand, "Do farts have lumps?" he asked. Teacher said no. "Then I definitely shit my pants."

sparkyice
10-06-2014, 04:11 AM
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

sparkyice
10-06-2014, 04:17 AM
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

sparkyice
10-06-2014, 04:18 AM
Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer Little Johnny up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, Little Johnny returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked Uncle Joe.

"It was great!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "Got any more dogs?"


and that's enough...for now

Nabba1
11-06-2014, 10:43 AM
I had a cat with a stutter, yes a stutter!
When a dog jumped the fence my cat arched its back and went Fff... Fff...Fffff
But before it could say F@#k the dog got him.