Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Lancair]

Drink & Drive
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and I had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

[Lancair]

Mate of mine just come back from a holiday in Thailand and nearly had a sexual encounter with a 'ladyboy'. Scared the shit out of him....she looked like chick, talked like a chick, walked like a chick, danced like a chick and kissed like a chick. So she took him back to her place and when she reverse parallel parked into a tiny spot first go he thought," hang on a f#cken minute.....!"

[Lancair]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Roma St for Cleveland.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

[Chimo]

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show at the local Golf Club.
With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde woman yells
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

[Chimo]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[Goodoo haven]

Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.. Yes, he was brilliant!!



1. Two blondes walk into a building .........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Chimo]

This isn't really funny more sad but not sure which other place to put it so:

Checking out at Woolworths, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The assistant responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
We walked up stairs because we didn't have a lift or escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn't climb into a 200-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 2000 watts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back then. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV or radio in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief not a screen the size of Yorkshire. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.
When we were thirsty we drank from a tap instead of drinking from a plastic bottle of water shipped from the other side of the world. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor when the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical socket in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest fish and chip shop.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish, grumpy old git who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartarse young person.
Remember: Don't make old people angry.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off!!!

[Chimo]

A little more in the educational vein;

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.




In those days the athletes performed naked.


To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.




At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:



"OH!! Limp Pricks!"




Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics."



See, you learn something new every day......

[Goodoo haven]

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
(written by kids)


-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3.HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4.WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8(isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7.IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9(bless you child )


8.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........


9.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.-- Ricky, age 10

[Goodoo haven]

The Jury...

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse.


In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client
would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.


"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly.


A minute passed. Nothing happened.


Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you
have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and
I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."


The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.


"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."


The jury foreman replied:




"Yes, we did look,



But Your Client Didn't."

[Goodoo haven]

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay,
that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle
of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade
broke, and then she killed the last Ira qi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't f--- with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Goodoo haven]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom
Using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's ##### and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your #####.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'

[Goodoo haven]

Just said to the wife, "Don't talk to me until I've had a cup of tea."

She said, "But you don't drink tea."

[Goodoo haven]

A bloke walks into a bar in NEW ZEALAND and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up,
expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

[Goodoo haven]

Getting to grips with the New Technology...

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a
newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!

[Goodoo haven]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 km through some
pretty rough country terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in
my shoes, eyes and hair. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few leaks behind
some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer".

[Mossy247]

Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

[wayno60]

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
...
Worried that it might need a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive plaster, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the car you pulled over for speeding last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

[wayno60]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
No, not at all," says the chemist.
Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[Goodoo haven]

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle
of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and
play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I
play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the
hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the
ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only
play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that ... $10,000 a hole is fine with me.

When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

[Goodoo haven]

ELTON AND DAVID'S BABY

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...

[Gergis]

Hey Guys my cousin and i made this video THE WHOLE THING IS A JOKE LOL!!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cVPryDDTSU

let me know what you guys think

[wayno60]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised
she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat
right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,

... "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard. Here was THE most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he asked, "I see. What's your
role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth
is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in
all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even
know your name."

"Tonto," the man said..."Tonto Papadopoulos. But everyone calls me Paddy."

[SCOTTYGC]

If you have ever used anelectric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
Thelanguage used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heardabout burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure thisnever happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along thetop of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feetinto the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in theground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a factthat I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reacheddown to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my righthand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind thecharger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upsidedown cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of mybody. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firingin the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over,I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower werefighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times inless than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where timeis creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap yourpants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality itwas so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto thefence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. Igrew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always hadthose piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now acceptingsignals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At thispoint I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until thelawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into aloping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die..... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idlenicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for thego command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in myown backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he leftme there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity hadcreated.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out ofgas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and thenanother long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the groundstill holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resultingthrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (notthe left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as youmight think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our littlesession cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better thannew after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of thenumber 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. Iappreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make surethe fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I canclearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me awarm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before Imow.

[sandman55]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Chimo]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Well, why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?
''Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old dear home.On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?

The old lady replied, 'Well, you set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'.

[Chimo]

WARNING !!!!




Don't wash your hair with shampoo in the shower

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT . WARNING TO US ALL!!!

Shampoo Warning!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." No wonder I have been gaining weight!



Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Sunlight dish soap instead. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved!

[Goodoo haven]

Now on sale at IKEA - 'Lesbian' beds..... no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

A Muslim athlete has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police suspect it's race related...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths will temporarily close lanes 7 and 8....

I got a reply from Screw Suppliers On-Line thanking me for my interest - apparently they are not a dating agency...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit,
a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, "A meal for two with a terrible view," is not a polite way to call number 69.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and feeling dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy, "Oi moight 'ave ter go 'ome, Murphy. Oi've come over all shakin' an' giddy."
Murphy: "Would yer be 'avin' vertigo Paddy?"
Paddy: "Not really. Oi only live round t' corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find the Titanic's swimming pool was still full

[sparkyice]

a penguin was motoring down the highway when the "check engine" light came on.
he took the nearest exit, looking for a repair shop. he was releived to find one not too far down the road. speaking with the mechanic, he was told it would be a couple of hours before his car could be looked at. however, there was a marine mammal park across the road, and the garage had it worked out with the park so their customers would get a free meal with a paid admission.
that sounded agreeable to the penguin and he went to look it over.
after a couple hours he came back to the garage to check on his car.
the mechanic told him "looks like you've blown a seal".
"oh no!" said the penguin, looking down and wiping off his chest, "that's just a little ice cream!"

i may have posted this previously. forgive me, i have CRS- can't remember sh*t.

[sparkyice]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have fun loving with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have fun loving.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[Goodoo haven]

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says "that's not true .. Sometimes I want a kebab"

[Goodoo haven]

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"

[Goodoo haven]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Stick Clapper]

Lady goes into the local tackle shop to get hubby a pressie. She picks up a combo and asks the guy behind the counter if its good.
He says " sorry madam I am blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell what it is from the sound it makes."
She drops it loudly on counter and he tells her " nice combo Shimano T curve with a bait runner real and your in luck its on special for $200."
The lady says she will buy it, reaches into her hand bag pulls out her wallet but drops it. As bends down to pick it up she farts. The sales person says nothing and she is glad he cant see how embarrassed she is.
" thats $217 thanks" says the blind guyt
The lady quickly replies "you said they were on special for $200"
"yes ma'am they are but the duck caller is $7 and the crab bait $10".

[Gon Fishun]

I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Paki sneaking through next door's garden.



Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed.



My wife said 'darling you're shaking, what is it?' 'you'll never believe what I've just seen' I said, 'that bastard next door has still got my bloody shovel'

[Chimo]

This is an actual review on amazon.co.UK (http://amazon.co.uk/) for Veet Hair Removal for Men...
A. Chappell (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/pdp/profile/A2MK841G552A2D/ref=cm_cr_rdp_pdp)

This review is for: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml (Personal Care)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good".
Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...
So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:

[Chimo]

At a bar ...





http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/8EAF85AF5ECE4832876F215D3C6A77AC@Mal

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:


"Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:


"No kidding, I'm in banking too!Which one are you with?"

[wayno60]

84136....................

[wayno60]

http://65.55.40.55/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=685f95d5-9b05-11e1-b86a-002264c15484&attindex=0&cp=-1&attdepth=0&imgsrc=cid%3aimage001.jpg%4001CD2EA4.C161F8B0&cid=2bcb0a3c8b4306ae&blob=MHxpbWFnZTAwMS5qcGd8aW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d&hm__login=mjack60&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.12.144.8&d=d6486&mf=0&hm__ts=Wed%2c%2012%20Sep%202012%2011%3a36%3a54%20G MT&st=mjack60&hm__ha=01_80ee750c804f86be36d1b0a5e357302a9a728bb2 6225f323b116654eb953a695&oneredir=1
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp

I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,
Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.
Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I’m not Jack London.
I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.
As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.
I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.
And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.
I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.
It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window.
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Did you take our lamp again #######? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:
1. It's in the letterbox again.
2. Look in the letterbox.
As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:
What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the f&ck up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

No it's not ok.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

F&ck off back to Austria.

[Chimo]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**








**'Hello?'**









**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**










**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**










**After a brief pause,**










**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**










**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**










Brief Pause.









**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**









**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**








**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**








**'I did it, Daddy.'**








**'And what happened, honey?' **






'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**










**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**










**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**










**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..**










**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**










**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**










*****Long Pause*****











*****Longer Pause*****











*****Even Longer Pause*****










**Then Daddy says,**










**'Swimming pool? .............**










**Is this 486-5731?'*













**No, I think you have the wrong number.........*

[Lancair]

A gold-plated butt plug business is being sued by Apple. Apparently they have the world wide patent on overpriced crap for A??????s.

[mowerman]

If it was not for credit I would have 4 uneducated single daughters with crooked teeth and no transportation living with me.

Rod
.

[shooty]

I went shopping with the missus at Coles the other day and turned around and said that I was the laziest person she had ever met. Well I nearly fell out the trolley :-) .....

[Goodoo haven]

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table
in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way -- he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.






Phil: - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering you do for a living?





Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.




Phil: - Oh! What's that then?




Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?




Phil: - Well yeah, I do as it happens!




Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?




Phil: - It's in a pond!




Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.




Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!




Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
a large garden then you have a large house?




Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house, built it myself!




Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?




Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.




Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?




Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!




Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?




Phil: - Me? Never.




Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!




Phil: - How's that then?




Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!




Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!




Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.




Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?




Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!




Eric: - What's that then?




Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?




Eric: - Nope.




Phil: - Well then, you're a ######.

[wayno60]

I saw a car parked outside Woollies with a bumper sticker that said 'I Miss Alice Springs '. So I smashed the windows, stole the radio, let the tyres down & left several VB cans on the back seat with a note saying 'hope this helps'.

[mowerman]

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young (http://www.exploroz.com/Places/20308/NSW/Young.aspx) thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast (http://www.exploroz.com/Places/39188/QLD/Gold_Coast.aspx)'s Bait & Beer (http://www.exploroz.com/Customers/Evakool.aspx) Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young (http://www.exploroz.com/Places/20308/NSW/Young.aspx) thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?



.

[Lancair]

The teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"


Lil' Johnny jumps up and says, "I wanna’ be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of Johnny, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

“And you, Tanya? What do you want to be when you grow up?”


"I wanna’ be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"

[wayno60]

I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at various heights,
and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

... It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it SNOT GREEN with PINK trim.

The City Council told me; Forget it.. IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country. It's the Government I'm afraid of...

[Chimo]

Water Bed in a German furniture store












Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed, but oh well..the best way to motivate people to do something is to put up a sign saying "Don't . . . !"

Turn on speakers and watch people trying out the water bed. It's in German, but that only makes it funnier.

Watch for the last two ladies !









http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/4D53501C15724E96BB9229334E8C52EC@ABroosHP (http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0)


http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/B67A17079334482B84650DE79676B536@ABroosHP

[Lancair]

The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks,Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left one !

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

[Lancair]

I bumped into Rolf Harris in the supermarket the other day. I said, "Hey, I remember seeing you doing two little boys back in the 70's", he replied, "Eff off, that was Jimmy Saville!!"

[Goodoo haven]

The Sneeze


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Goodoo haven]

INVITATION

We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle
to reach orgasm.





If you can't come, let me know.

[Chimo]

A FISHERMAN'S TOMBSTONE

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3.. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[Lancair]

In the senior citizens home, two elderly ladies were sitting down to breakfast when Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and said, "Mabel, I think you have a suppository stuck in your ear?" Mabel answered "I have a suppository stuck in my ear?", she pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said "Ethel, Im glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where to look for my hearing aid!"

[lucee81]

Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

[lucee81]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," said Fred, a big man almost 60 years old, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.

[finga]

Drover: "Three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

[sparkyice]

Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who have spent time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?


Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.


Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told
Kevin to wait in the examining room.


A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse
gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his
clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'


Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[Boat Hog]

Me missus bought a paperback
Down town on Saturday,
I had a peep into her bag;
...
'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

Her left hand held a length of rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet
A cuppla minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You would see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.

She stood there nude, just naked like,
Bent forward just a bit ….
I took a pace to brace meself
And stood on her left tit!

Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I won't tell no more
What happened on that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned “fifty shades of grey”.

[sandman55]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from Green Bay . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[SCOTTYGC]

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
man servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well!"

[Chimo]

COMPLETE & FINISHED


No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED
but, there is an explanation, as told by a Newfoundlander!
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

[sparkyice]

i was asked to volunteer for our neighborhood beutification project. they asked how much of a commitment i would be making.
i told them i would participate, but not commit.
what is the difference they asked.
i told them both the pig and the hen contribute to breakfast. one participates, and the other makes a commitment.

[SCOTTYGC]

Jennifer, a manager atBunnings, had the task of hiring someone to

fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who
were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job.*





The day came and as the foursat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked
the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, whowas contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the
barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'
she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s#^t myself..'
Wally is now working at a Bunnings nearyou!

[SCOTTYGC]

This has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 22
million people.

If you don't want to sign, and in order not to lose any names, just
hit
forward and send it on.

Please keep it going!


To show your support for Prime Minister Gillard and the great job she
is doing please go to the end of the list and add your name.


















1. Tim Mathieson
2.

[SCOTTYGC]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, Pat and I were out for a few drinks with some friends at the Bondi Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.



Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[wayno60]

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
...
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and

get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....



"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . .

[sparkyice]

looking over some coins i had in my pocket, i noticed one well worn that made me think "oh, thats an old one- better have a closer look. might be worth something"...well it was woth $ .25, the face value. more dissapointing was that it was from 1982 , the year i graduated from high school.
i've had to start dating younger women. the ones my age are all getting old.

[wayno60]

Well, that was awkward. Went to pay for groceries, the check out chick said "Strip down, facing me".....
So I did

[charleville]

I shot my first duck last week.



Scared the hell out of the people in the frozen foods section.

[Goodoo haven]

The best divorce Letter,ever !


FIRST LETTER:
My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal
& even wore a brand new nighty
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.
Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!


REPLY: Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching.
Too bad that doesn't work any more.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......
and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because
I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nighty: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it,
& I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday,
I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris , but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

[Goodoo haven]

This is truly an extraordinary find!

Rare footage of Australian Fed Treasurer, Wayne Swan's childhood has recently surfaced...


http://i.imgur.com/XaiUx.gif

[SCOTTYGC]

Jack Daniels Fishing Story


I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of prawns

Then I saw a redbelly black with a frog in his mouth.. Frogs aregood barra bait.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me

with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head,took the frog,

and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the problem was how to

Release the snake without getting bitten.

So, I grabbed my bottle of

Jack Daniels and poured a

little whiskey in its mouth. His

eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake

without incident and carried on

fishing using the frog.



A little later, I felt a nudge

on my foot. It was that snake,
with two more frogs.

[finga]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

[Chimo]

Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a tinnie.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What you gonna do with that. There’s no water deep enough to
float a boat within 160 Klms of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his tinnie",
pointing to the paddock behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in the
tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Queensland
a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse!"

[Gon Fishun]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when
the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on sweetie, eat it all up or ...
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,

"Come on, honey, Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,

"Come on kid. Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[theangryangler]

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!

http://157.56.19.80/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=c44d660d-3137-11e2-90ab-002264c15472&attindex=2&cp=-1&attdepth=2&imgsrc=cid%3a3.1375570648%40web87305.mail.ird.yaho o.com&cid=2f71a0884b4f9ddb&shared=1&hm__login=pforpaperwork&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.13.238.8&d=d3435&mf=0&hm__ts=Wed%2c%2021%20Nov%202012%2011%3a43%3a46%20G MT&st=pforpaperwork&hm__ha=01_4195c213ed81195774a73610ea355c0d4db93fcf 9e94539eb82360146e54ebfd&oneredir=1

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !









http://157.56.19.80/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=c44d660d-3137-11e2-90ab-002264c15472&attindex=3&cp=-1&attdepth=3&imgsrc=cid%3a4.1375570648%40web87305.mail.ird.yaho o.com&cid=2f71a0884b4f9ddb&shared=1&hm__login=pforpaperwork&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.13.238.8&d=d3435&mf=0&hm__ts=Wed%2c%2021%20Nov%202012%2011%3a43%3a46%20G MT&st=pforpaperwork&hm__ha=01_fb65f039036f7eaa8688060db83776a73ef71cd6 a1cc23a7efb99b04762474ad&oneredir=1

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

[dnej]

DOG FOR SALE






A guy is driving around the back woods of
Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken
Down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale
'He rings the bell and the owner appears and
Tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
Nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of
Hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your
Story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered
That I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted
To help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country
To country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
Leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
Eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for
Eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out,
And I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
Job at the airport to do some undercover
Security, wandering near suspicious
Characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and
Was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and
Now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and
Asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why
On earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never
Been out of the yard'

[Chimo]

This was sent to me for educational purposes and so as a team player I must share.
So, for those that don't know much about Australian history, here is a condensed version:



Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers.

They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter.

The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.





These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Labor.



Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.



Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement



Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Labor movement
Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as pooftas.



Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.

Modern Laborites and Union leaders drink imported beer and they like their beef well done.

Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare.



Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, government workers - state and federal, personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group therapists are Laborites.



Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX.

They eat red meat (rare), and still provide for their women.

Liberals are police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, business owners, farmers, Doctors and Nurses and generally anyone who works productively.

Liberals who own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.



Laborites produce little or nothing.

They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.

That is why most of the laborites created the business of trying to get more for nothing - and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.



Here ends today's lesson in Australian history.



It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Liberal will simply laugh, and be so convinced of the absolute truth of history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Laborites - just to piss them off.


And there you have it.

[Lancair]

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question:

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child.

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

[sparkyice]

...i never wanted a kick in the nuts in the first place...

[Chimo]

Two Nuns in Transylvania
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams
as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at
the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f8ck off the car!"

[Gon Fishun]

This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Hampshire, England who won the World's Shortest Essay competition. He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard For his imagination and humour.... Here's an example of absolute brilliance... Shortest Essay: An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: 1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Physical Disability 4) Racism 5) Homosexuality



The prize-winner wrote:

'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged nigger is a poof'.

[2 weis]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE :-)

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.....

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'.

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[sandman55]

The Exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The
question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven
advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.

                      He got an A.

[SCOTTYGC]

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.



Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.



She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.



The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"



His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."


"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

[Chimo]

As a change from picking on the poor NZ bunch...............

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

[Lancair]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=dYslhL71k1M

[sparkyice]

from the show "cheers", cliff explains to norm...

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

[Chimo]

http://www.wimp.com/jimcarrey/

[Goodoo haven]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.

The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"

His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

[Goodoo haven]

A woman has sued her local hospital saying that after
treating her husband recently he has lost all interest in sex.



A hospital spokesman replied – “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”

[groverwa]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train started to roll.

As the train began to pull out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart..."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough
and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer!

[Tony_N]

This has almost certainly been posted before - but sometimes the oldies are the goodies.

Frank got a phone call from his next door neighbour Flo, who is 93.

"Please Frank I'm trying to do a Jigsaw puzzle...it is a red rooster, but I can't get it started - could you please come over and set a few pieces for me so that I can get on with it....?"

Frank told his wife he was going next door to get Flo started on her puzzle.

When he looked at the pieces on the table he suggested that Flo relax and have a glass of wine..

She was not happy...."I don't want wine ....I just want you to get me started on the rooster puzzle...

Frank was adement:

"Listen Flo, you sit down and have a glass of wine while I scoop the corn flakes back in the packet.


( I like it because I can identify with Flo....)

[Lancair]

My mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas off the internet.

I asked him which website he saw them on and he said: "Google Earth"!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My doctor advised me to cut out saturated fat

It’s put an end to s******g the wife in the shower

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the bush containing a cat and four kittens."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw some girl driving and texting the other day.
I got really pissed off, rolled down my window,

and threw my beer at her...

[Goodoo haven]

Happiness - Aussie style


I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............

My heart was beating fast , and the excitement was unbearable

It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.

I gave her a cheeky wink and said,
"Get that trolley over here love.
They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2."

[Lancair]

Paddy walks into a florist and says "I'd be wantin a bunch of flowers for me Girlfriend"
The florist says "Ah to be sure that's nice, what is it you're after?"
Paddy "Ah, I be wanting a F@#& !"

[SCOTTYGC]

Awoman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from Parliament that included JuliaGillard.

Gillard quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked her and started to leave.

JuliaGillard said, "I'm Julia Gillard, and I hope you'll vote for me in thecoming election."

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my arse, not my head!"

[Chimo]

A Teacher's Story about Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F@2$-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[Gon Fishun]

This was emailed to me today and can't stop laughing. Have printed it and hung it in the workshop and the office.
It has been censored to fit in with the G rating.
Cheers.
Bob.

87058

[finga]

A friend told a blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
----------------------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
------------------------------------

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

[wayno60]

A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, ...the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation!

[wayno60]

A cop was staking out the Geelong Hotel for bikers riding drunk.
At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fum...ble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.
Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls
him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0!
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[wayno60]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Take care

[Chimo]

So here's something to participate in, read answer and enjoy.

How Sharp Are You?

UNDERSTAND EACH QUESTION PRIOR TO SELECTING YOUR RESPONSE.AND DON'T LAUGH AT BILL GATES AND HIS SCORE OF THREE JUST YET!!

This one is fun!! Think carefully.

You are going to hate yourself over this.

It scores automatically, too.

Take this advice.... think before you answer.





Click here: HowSmart AreYou? (http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm)

[wayno60]

Two blondes were sipping their coffees when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[lucee81]

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"

[sparkyice]

a young boy asks his father "father, how did i get my name?"

"well, son, in our clan it is the tradition for the father to name his child based on whatever he may see the first time he carries his baby out into the world.
when your grandfather first brought me into the light he saw a great eagle fly in front of the sun. i am called Eagle Screams At The Sun.
when i brought your sister into the light, it was a foggy morning and a small bird landed next to us in a tree. her name became Sparrow In The Mist.
when i brought your brother into the light i saw a wolf chasing an elk. his name became Wolf Running In The Wind.
why do you ask this question, Dog Who Licks Balls?"

[wayno60]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill
, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[Donny Boy]

Here is some rare footage of Wayne Swan when he was a child.
It has recently surfaced and as you will see, not much has changed for him over the years...
http://i.imgur.com/XaiUx.gif

(http://i.imgur.com/XaiUx.gif)

[SCOTTYGC]

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I havesucceeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. Thefollowing is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result wasnot always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you remindedme that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up andget it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, andonce I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around andbreathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are theREAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book -16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missedme and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and Ididn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack inthe ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you like me on my backor kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when youfarted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife:)

[wayno60]

‎9 Months before I was born... I went to an awesome party with the Old Man & left with my mum!!!!

[Dignity]

My wife being the romantic sort and working away from home, just sent me a text.............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you xxx."


I replied........"I am having a crap. What should I do?"

[Mrs Ronnie H]

‎4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift! the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "what about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.

[2 weis]

Am I a Good Citizen or what?






Whilst strolling along the side of Brisbane River this morning I noticed a
Muslim extremist slip from the New Farm Park ferry ramp and fall into the water .

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.
If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Aussie, and abiding by the law of the land that requires
you to help those in distress, I informed Fortitude Valley Police, the Immigration
Office and even the SES Rescue team.

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted three stamps.

[kingcray]

not really a joke this one, but it was still a funny read.

Psychology 101

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result.........all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment...........with enthusiasm, because he is now part of 'the team'.

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.

Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.

Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

Why, you ask? Because in their minds.............that is the way it has always been!

This, my friends, is how Parliament operates.........and this is why, from time to time: ALL of the monkeys need to beREPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

[cormorant]

At some point in a guy's life . . . it comes down to this
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?."

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !

[Chimo]

The First Bloke

Tim Matheson, the First Bloke and Tony Abbott somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Tim in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Tim was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, Julia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Abbott and said, "How about you" Mr. Abbott?"

Abbott replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

[charleville]

As seen on Facebook....

[Chimo]

The Farm Code







A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, " said the little boy.
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/95CE80BA1F404A369BE7072CBD5B716E@DavePC
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.

" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

" You gonna tell him or should I ? "

[Chimo]

Santa and the Angel

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it
broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw
off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

[Cheech]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting section.

2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

And...

1 Forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Gon Fishun]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting section.

2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

And...

1 Forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

And 1 to say somebody has "way" to much free time to themselves. HAHA bloody classic. :2vrolijk_08::2vrolijk_08::2vrolijk_08::LMAO::LMAO ::LMAO:

[lucee81]

While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’

To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work.’

‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’

‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded.

The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’

‘And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot #######? ‘ he asked.
‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…’

[lucee81]

Little Johnny runs down the stairs in tears.

His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother.

"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

[lucee81]

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

[lucee81]

Mother was out, and dad was in charge.
She was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

[lucee81]

Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be direct

[lucee81]

I was vacuuming my flat today and did what every single man on this planet has done at least once when vacuuming ...

I looked at the vacuuming , and then looked at my #####, then I looked at my hoover and then my #####, and thought to myself, hang on a second, I've got a #####, why am i doing the vacuuming !

[Gon Fishun]

Woman is a man's best friend. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and regret.She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.She will make sure he always feels that he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of Beer.
It’s Beer that does all that.
Sorry.

[Gon Fishun]

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years they'd become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the
surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[kingcray]

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table

in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool

at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.


Patrick: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Patrick and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.


Patrick: - 'Scuse me.... No offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Patrick: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ..... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Patrick: - Er ... Mmm ....... Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Patrick: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Patrick: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Patrick: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ......... Built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?

Patrick: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Patrick: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Patrick: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Patrick: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Patrick: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Patrick returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Patrick: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Patrick: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Patrick: - Well then, you're a w@nker

[kingcray]

Two Crocodiles........ THIS IS A GOOD ONE !!






Two Crocodiles were sitting by the side of the swamp near the river.




The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age. We were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."




"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"




"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.




"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"




"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."




"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"




"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"




"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an @sshole and a briefcase."

[kingcray]

>>> The Aldi Doctor...
>>> One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My
>>> elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>>> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
>>>
>>> "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine
>>> sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
>>> about It.
>>>
>>> It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a
>>> doctor."
>>>
>>> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.
>>>
>>> He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
>>> urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>>>
>>> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>>> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>>> activity.
>>> It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."
>>>
>>> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>>> Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>>>
>>> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
>>> from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good
>>> measure.
>>>
>>> Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits
>>> ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>>>
>>> The computer prints the following:
>>>
>>> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2.
>>> Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
>>> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>>> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>>> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
>>> get better.
>>>
>>> Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

[charleville]

Heheheh!......

[finga]

Little Johnny strikes again...
Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f....ing accident either!'

[Gon Fishun]

The teacher asked the class to use the
word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
And we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but
I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My
Family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said,
'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised
His hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided
There was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on
him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[lucee81]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

[Gon Fishun]

Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman ,,,,
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. She yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...
'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

[charleville]

WORLD'S EASIEST IQ TEST (QUIZ)!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

Time yourself

QUESTIONS START HERE:

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?



2) Which country makes Panama hats ?



3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?



7) What was King George VI's first name ?



8) What color is a purple finch ?



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?



Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2) Ecuador.

3) From sheep and horses.

4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5) Squirrel fir.

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria
that no future king should ever be called Albert.

8) Distinctively crimson.

9) New Zealand.

10) Orange
***************

[wayno60]

88587.......................

[SCOTTYGC]

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does ittoo.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

[lucee81]

A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”
She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”

[Gon Fishun]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store in Indian villages does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
They walk amongst us and they inadvertently breed!!!
Be afraid! Be very afraid!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Gon Fishun]

Thought of Finga when I read this. :P

It is probably only Australians who can write poetry about Australian icons that can be understood by Australians.

If you have a good memory, lived on a farm or are used to camping you will know what I mean when you read today’s Daily Good One.

Just scroll down .....


A bit of culture - ---
Goodbye Granddad
Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!

[wayno60]

Went to a disco the other night,they played the twist so i twisted,they played jump so i jumped,then they played come on elleen then i was kicked out

[greenie61]

What is Celibacy?






Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.






While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to


the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the


things that are important to each other.."






He then addressed the men,


'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'






I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,






White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn’t it?


And thus began my life of celibacy.........:-)

[kingcray]

Went into the electoral office today to put my name down as a candidate for the federal election, but I failed on question 8 - Are You circumcised ? when I answered Yes , I was told that I was not eligable as you have to be a complete prick to become a politician

[charleville]

Q: What do you call a chicken staring at a piece of lettuce?


A: A chicken sees a salad!


;D;D;D

[Samboz]

What do you call a man with a rabbit in his mouth?.....Warren!

[SCOTTYGC]

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer beforeI devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.





'ButI didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'






'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.





'Nope,that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...










'You missed the f*$!*n' putt, didn't you?

[SCOTTYGC]

Hot and Cold

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appearto be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like toask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and Ihave sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her thesecond time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said,'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that youwould like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had noquestions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusualproblem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sexwith you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy oldcoot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usuallyin June or July, and the second time is in February.

[Chimo]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says:


'SEX FROGS'

Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.


The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise ... . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:






'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE... TIME!!!'

[kingcray]

Hi All,
　
Warning about Bid-or-Buy
Be careful what you buy on Bid-or-Buy.
If you buy stuff online, check out the seller carefully.
A friend, Barry, has just spent $ 995.00 plus tax on a ##### enlarger.
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.
The only instructions said, "Do not use in direct sunlight."

[littlejim]

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/jetobler/vacanvy.jpg

[SCOTTYGC]

Adult Scrabble



Re-arrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.



P NE S I







People who wrote SPINE became doctors...

[sparkyice]

does "pines" make me a lumberjack? they are woody.

[littlejim]

At least pines and spine are longer than the other one.

[Chimo]

ROLLS-ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..


The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken!"

[Paul H]

Q: What do you call a fish without the eye?

A: fsh

[Paul H]

LitleJim, Bloody brilliant !!!!!!!

[Chimo]

The Fence Repair - Sounds Very Familiar

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House.
One is from Cabramatta, another is from Marrickville, and the third is from Lane Cove.
All three go with an official to examine the fence.
The Cabramatta contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Marrickville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Lane Cove contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Lane Cove contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Marrickville to fix the fence."
"Done!" Replies the government official.
And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.

[Chimo]

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[littlejim]

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/jetobler/nursehome.jpg

[Lancair]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man

"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.






"Could lead to dancing!"

[Lancair]

A clever example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly.

The representative from Israel began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, “What a good opportunity to take a bath!” Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out he found, his clothes had vanished. Moses assumed a Palestinian was the obvious culprit!
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, “What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren’t there then.”

The Israeli representative smiled and said quietly, “And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.”

[Lancair]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink #####.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics
believe that the pink ##### also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery', asked the couple?
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch

[Lancair]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'


She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'


The defense attorney nearly died.


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,


'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[Lancair]

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and
said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded with a loud voice. "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[Lancair]

Calories Burned During Sex

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,31 5 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

[Lancair]

CORNISH Three kick rule


An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but
it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Mike replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and,
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three
Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go
first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly
managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he
said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Lancair]

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F*** you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your Husband/wife any more.
He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

[Chimo]

Proofreading is a Dying Art....




Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny...



Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No kidding, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------



Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------



Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------



War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------



If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------



Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Of course, they just suspect it, but they may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------



Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************



Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************



And the winner is......
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
************************************************** *

[Goodoo haven]

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for
an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever. "
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humor."

[Goodoo haven]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.


Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.



Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'



The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 58 years.

[Gon Fishun]

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece
when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion
you drive a $650,000 Ferrari,
you get $5,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away...
Over 45 cents?"

[sparkyice]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a fun loving movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part..

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during fun loving.

[PixieAU]

Nice set (of jokes) right there

[Goodoo haven]

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.

The wife screams at him "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking ! What the f**k did you invite him round for?"

"Cos he's thinking of getting married"


Gutsy call!

[SCOTTYGC]

Golfers might wish to purchase this book.



Firstedition pre-sold!!






I am quite proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about thisessential read.
This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 40+ years of experience.




Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger
Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m
Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in theWater
Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS
• A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
• A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
• A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
• A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
• A Cuban - needs one more revolution
• An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
• An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
• A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
• A Kate Winslett - a bit flat but otherwise perfect
• A Kate Moss - bit thin
• A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
• A Rodney King - over-clubbed
• An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
• A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
• A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
• A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
• An elephant's arse - high and shitty
• A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
• A circus tent - a BIG top
• A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don'tmiss out!

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from myexpertise . ..

It would be greatly appreciated if you could affix this promo to your clubnoticeboard

[Goodoo haven]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

[Goodoo haven]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?


22. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

23. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

[Goodoo haven]

Yesterday I raked some leaves, and after doing so I sat down and had a nice
cold beer. After a while, for some inexplicable reason, I began to ponder the age-old
question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women
always maintain that giving birth is way more painful.

Well, after a second beer, and some reasonably serious deductive thinking, I
came up with my answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more
painful than having a baby ...... and here is the reasoning behind my
conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to
have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like
another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . .

[datamile]

The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"... she said.

[sparkyice]

i bought some used paint.

it came in the shape of a house...

[Gon Fishun]

89822

Wonder if Finga is about?

[Gon Fishun]

89823

Nana's are spoilers.

[charleville]

This is from Peter FitzSimon's column in the Sydney Morning Herald but it made me chuckle....


Aspiring psychiatrists are attending their first class on emotional extremes. ''Just to establish some parameters,'' the professor says to the student from Deniliquin, ''what is the opposite of joy?''

''Sadness,'' the student says.

''And the opposite of depression?'' he asks of the young lady from Hay.

''Elation,'' says she.

''And you, sir,'' he says to the young man from Gulargambone, ''how about the opposite of woe?''

The Gulargambone bloke replies: ''Professor, I believe that would be giddy-up.''


;D;D;D

[ozynorts]

Just because I give you advice, it doesn't mean that I know more than you, it just means that I have done more stupid shit.

[SCOTTYGC]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like somebacon and

eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.""Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? Because I'm starving."

[charleville]

Apparently, there is a company in the USA that has just introduced a bacon flavoured condom.


It comes with the warning that before applying one of these bacon flavoured condoms, you should tie up your dog.



;D;D;D

[STUIE63]

..........

[Goodoo haven]

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

[Goodoo haven]

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."



MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb... but all men...are men!

[SCOTTYGC]

A Harley bike rider walked into a chemist shop in Lakemba, and asked to
talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that
as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him The biker said that it was something
that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and
what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a ......permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was
wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."





When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute
best we can do is:

1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week .....
And $ 3,000 a month in living expenses."

[kingcray]

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
A call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
Grinning from ear to ear.



Once he disconnects he shouts to the Barman that he wants to buy

Everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
Around keen to know what they are celebrating.


"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
Baby boy weighing 25 pounds".


Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
The Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland ..
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."


Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
Of "STRUTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.


Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.



The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
How big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
Does he weigh now?"


The proud father answers: "17 pounds."


The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"



The Queensland father takes a long S-l-O-w swig from his XXXX Gold
Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
Says, "Had him circumcised!"

[ozynorts]

I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

[ozynorts]

What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
I wanna get a head!

Why did the ram go off the end of the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.

Hear about the two peanuts that walked through central park?
One was a-salted.

Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!

Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!

[Gon Fishun]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed” she replied.

“Well strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, keaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,

“No wonder this baby is hungry. You don’t have any milk”.

“I know”, she said, “I’m his Grandmother, but I’m glad I came.

[sandman55]

The first divorce
90962

[groverwa]

Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that

connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving

people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bottom

and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes!

[sparkyice]

i have anal glaucoma.
i can't see my ass going to work this morning.

[Gon Fishun]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[sandman55]

The Winter Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing,
the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier
pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as they worked to get the boots back on,
this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and
courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

The teacher will be eligible for parole in three years.

[CruiserV8100]

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roo...mmate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house,
I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

[ozynorts]

Pay back

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down...
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don'tforget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[2 weis]

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,
weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'



IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!

[lucee81]

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn’t help it.

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out.”

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Christmas morning.

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

“Honey,” he said. “You were right – all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked Martha.

“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

[Goodoo haven]

A man wakes up at the Gold Coast Hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Pacific Highway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your ##### was severed in the
accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we now have the technology to build a new #####.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something
you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher
now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only
invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a
role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite bench tops."

[Back In Black]

Whats the difference between a Kiwi & a tub of yoghurt??

A tub of yoghurt has WAY more culture!!

[Goodoo haven]

A woman is out sunbathing naked, when all of a sudden a honeybee flies right into her vagina. In a frenzy she darts inside to tell her husband, who swiftly helps her dress and races her to the doctor. After carefully detailing how traditional methods of extraction could spook the bee and result in a dangerous sting, the doctor declares that he’s devised two very unconventional treatments.


“Anything doctor. What’s first?” Asks the husband.


“Well, Plan A. I could dab some honey on the end of my ##### and carefully insert it into your wife. With any luck we can entice the bee out that way. I know what you’re thinking sir, but my insurance would never cover you in the event of a mishap, and time is really of the essence here,” the doctor insists.


The couple, initially uncomfortable with the idea, eventually concede. The woman perches herself on the bed and parts her legs, at which time the doctor drops his pants, dips his member in some honey, and tentatively inserts it. He angles it to the left, nothing. He angles it to the right, nothing. He angles it to the left again, still nothing. The three of them start to despair.


Suddenly, the doctor reaches over and pulls one of the woman’s breasts out from beneath her gown and squeezes it. As she moans with glee the doctor begins thrusting his hips back and forward feverishly, before quickly repositioning her so she’s bent over the bed and he can pound her from behind.


Seething with rage, the husband leaps to his feet: “Knock it off creep! What the hell do you think you’re doing!?”


The doctor replies: “Plan B—I’m gonna drown the bastard!”

[ozynorts]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever" I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes
like that, try something else.”



"Fine"
I said, "I don't want to die until Julia Gillard is re-elected as
Prime Minister".



"You're a shifty little bastard, aren't you?" said the fairy.

[littlejim]

you might like some of these tools for working on the boat.
I recommend the laser guided paintbrush and the hand operated chain saw.
http://www.kmstools.com/pages/competitor-79

[Gon Fishun]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Australia, they decided to send it to Prime Minister Gillard.
The PM was so impressed that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 note.
The PM thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Parliament House, ACT and, as usual, those filthy thieving Labor bastards stole 95% of it.

[Greg001]

Son:"Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The Future".
"Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of s#it".

[Chimo]

Driving Reaction Test








I know all of you are very good drivers, so here is a fun test to see how good your speed is!









The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is .75 seconds or 1 car length for every 10 mph.

Test your average reaction time. Be careful, this can be addictive! You will be surprised at how slow you really are.
JUST CLICK ON THE DART WHEN THE SHEEP STARTS TO RUN ..... 5 sheep .....
Click here: Reaction Test (http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf)









(The li'l critters are fast!)

[Back In Black]

How do you know there's been a Kiwi in your fridge??

By the love bites on your leg of lamb!!

[groverwa]

Love Story


I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.


All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

[Ausfish]

I'll let the picture do the talking

[Gon Fishun]

------------------------------------------------------


MORALS TEST - READ CAREFULLY

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION:
You are in Queensland, Cairns to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a neatly dressed woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Julia Gillard!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

THE OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Julia Gillard or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful socialist women, hell bent on the destruction of Australia ..



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer........

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? ::)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[sparkyice]

(adapted form the original to suit the present audience)


how many kiwi's does it take to do the work of one good aussie?

no one knows.

[dnej]

Tinnie -


That is what I like about Queensland.......






Bluey went to an outdoor show and won a tinnie.
He brought it home and his wife looked at him and said,




"What you going to do with that. There is no water deep enough to
float a boat within 160 Klms of here."

He said: "I won it and I am gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He saw
the wife and asked where his brother was.

She said: "He is out there in his tinnie",
pointing to the paddock behind the house.

The brother headed out behind the house and saw his
brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in a
tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand ..
He yelled out to him: "What are you doing?"

His brother replied: "I am fishing. What the hell does it look like I am a doing?"

His brother yelled: "It are people like you who give people


from Queensland a bad name, making everybody think


we are stupid..





If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your arse!"

[groverwa]

Gillard was asleep in the lodge and awoke to see Menzies' ghost. She asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?"





Sir Bob said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did."





Gillard went back to sleep, this time she woke to an image of John Howard at the end of her bed. She asked, "John, how can I make this country better?"





Howard said, "Be honest with the people like I was."



Again Gillard fell asleep and awoke this time to see the ghost of Harold Holt and asked, "Harold, how can I make this country better?"






Harold replied, "Go for a swim like I did!!"

[Chimo]

Cell Phone Etiquette



After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".



"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".



"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".



"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".



"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"



Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.



When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."



Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[wayno60]

92307..........

[groverwa]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess




A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.



She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.




Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.




Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"




Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate the lot.




Two lessons here:




1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are

2.Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[Chimo]

Sensitive Australian Males……..


Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[groverwa]

Orstraylian


The following are results from an OZ-words Competition
where entrants were asked to take an Australian word,
alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.
Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact

Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine

Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle

Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor

Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustacean

[SCOTTYGC]

The modern Arab world!! You haveseen those architectural wonders of Dubai.







However, none are hooked up to a sewersystem!







The two minute video below passes aline of poop trucks and never gets to the end of the line. What were these people thinking?

An unbelievable amount of sewage is generated by the new high-rises andthere is no place to dispose of it. Camel sense seems about right!

Dubai doesn't have a sewage system for all those big new buildings sothey haul it all away in tank trucks.



Look at the number of tank trucksthat are waiting to dump their load.







This is amazing. They wait for days to dump their load.







You would have thought that bybuilding all those huge skyscrapers they would have enough sense to put in asufficient sewage system to haul away all that crap.

You would imagine that those building that look amazingly beautiful werebuilt on a well-planned system of utilities. But, that's NOT TRUE!!

Watch the following link:

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/-pQdjwliLMA?rel=0 (http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/-pQdjwliLMA?rel=0)"

[Chimo]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts
at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem.
My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with
that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you & learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'


'Yes, it is .... 6 pounds, 10 ounces, 19 inches long.'

[sparkyice]

so, when a couple of the younger guys at work found out how old i was on my birthday, they started calling me a "Flatulasaurus".

i don't know what it means, but i don't think i much care for it.

[solemandownunder]

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear.
He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him.

He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"

The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You a*******, I'm drowning."

[Gon Fishun]

Clever QANTAS Flight Attendant

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant to explain it to him.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did”.
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you."

[SCOTTYGC]

AN ETHICAL DILEMMA



What if you were playing in a penants final and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.

You had the honour and you hit your ball straight down the middle of the fairway on the difficult 18th hole, leaving a straight forward 6 iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, carving it deep into the trees on the right of the fairway.

Being the gentleman you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted 5 minutes search period ends, your opponent says: “go ahead and hit your shot, and if Idon't find it in time, I'll concede the match”

You head back and hit your second shot, landing it on the green where it runs up and stops 3 metres from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the trees, “I found it!”. The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking the ball well, and it comes sailing in, lands on the green, and stops a hand's width from the pin!



Here lies the ethical dilemma:



Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it, or do you keep your mouth shut?

[bf90]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled of
beer sat down on a
subway next to a priest.
The man's
tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and
a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He
opened his
newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes
arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's
caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your
fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a
bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,
Then returned to
his
paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said,
nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm
very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had
arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here
that the
Pope does."

[solemandownunder]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up kid...I'll get my hat."

[sparkyice]

a middle aged couple was travelling to pittsburg to attend the woman's niece's wedding.
poor old george just did not want to go. at all. he hated her family and they hated him. it was going to be a week of absolute misery. he just wanted to stay home, alone.

at the ticket counter, after a short wait, the clerk appeared. george about swalowed his gum- the clerk was a dead ringer for kim kardashian! a stunning beauty, dressed in a tight, revealing dress. enough to make any man's knees weak!
poor george, he could feel his wife's icy stare burning into the very core of his being as he tried to maintain his composure and purchase their tickets.

when she asked how she may help him, george's mind raced- he knew hios wife would be angry with him for looking at the girl, she just knew what he must be thinking about the girl, he was in trouble.

he began to stammer and stutter, trying to buy the tickets when he lost it- he blurted out..." I I I I'd li li like two ti ti ti Pickets to Tittsburg, please."

the clerk smiled warmly and printed him two tickets to Pittsburg.

well, needless to say, it was the longest week of poor george's life.

upon their arrival home, george's wife insisted they attend marriage counselling so george could see what a disgusting animal he truly was.
when they related their story to the counsellor, he meerly smiled, leaned back and spoke matter of factly:
it was only a Freudian slip, he said, perfectly normal for any one to do when under stress.
"why," he said, "it happened to me just the other day at breakfast. i meant to ask my wife to pass me the jam, and instead it came out 'YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE YOU MISERABLE BITCH!!!' ."

[Gon Fishun]

I am truly perplexed that so many people are against a mosque being
built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant.

Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could
call one of the clubs, "The Turban Cowboy", which would be gay, and the
other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called " Iraq o'
Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps
Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins with short burkas in the window
modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop, a liquor store called "Morehammered."
they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good
plan, please pass it on for the sake of tolerance.

[littlejim]

Just in case it hasn't been put up before


A man wakes up in hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes inand says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your ##### was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new #####. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly £1,000 an inch.”

The man perks up.

”So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

On the other hand, if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.” The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

”Yes I have,” says the man.

”And has she helped you make a decision?”

”Yes,” says the man.

”What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

”We’re getting granite bench tops.”........

[Chimo]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life, finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
drinks.......
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night. "


You gotta LOVE Grandmas!

[Chimo]

Maybe this belong elsewhere, perhaps the Bilge?

There is a lot of truth here. Think about it.
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/BB6E0B78B1504350A85E6A038259239D@HillierPC
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old ringer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old bloke.

Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard and her role as our prime minister. The old ringer said, 'Well, ya know mate, Julia is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old ringer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old ringer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she’s up there, she’s elevated beyond her ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of idiot put her up there to begin with."

Best explanation I've heard yet.:'(

[benji64]

i went to the zoo the other day and came across this cage .the only thing in the cage was a Baguette laying on the ground .I was confused until I read the sign on the cage . it said Bred In Captivity

a man goes to the doctors complaining he cant stop singing Green Green Grass of Home . all day every night continually singing the bloody song . the doc runs a few tests and tells the patient he suffers from Tom Jones Disease. The man asks it that a common illness to which the doctor replies: Its Not Unusual:

I went to a cut price zoo the other day and all it had there was a cage with a small dog in it .what a shitzoo that was

[dnej]

A very clever analogy on politics!!!


ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Two Different Versions.... Two Different Morals

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the witheringheat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs anddances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies outin the cold.


MORALOF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


MODERNVERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long,building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool andlaughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a pressconference and demands to know why the ant should beallowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

Channels 7, 9 and 10,the ABC and SBS show up to provide pictures of theshivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in hiscomfortable home with a table filled with food.

Australia is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed tosuffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybodycries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house wherethe news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'

Cardinal George Pell then has the group kneel down to prayto God for the grasshopper's sake.

Prime Minister Gillard condemns the ant and blames John Howard,Robert Menzies, Capt James Cook, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Bob Brown exclaims in an interview on Today Tonight that the anthas gottenrich off the back of the grasshopper and calls for
an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, Labor in conjunction with the Greens draft the EconomicEquity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive tothe beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, havingnothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and hisfree-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while thegovernment house he is in, which, as you recall,
just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around thembecause the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found deadin a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by agang of spiders who terrorise the ramshackle, once prosperousand once peaceful, neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote inSeptember, 2013.

[Nabba1]

Whats the difference between "Bird" flu and "Swine" flu?

When you contract "Bird" Flu you just need tweetment but when you contract "Swine" flu to need oinkment...

[sandman55]

A wife, being the ROMANTIC sort,

Sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I L-O-V-E YOU!

The husband replied...

"I am on the john ...... Please advise."

[Back In Black]

A bloke goes to the doctor for a prostate examination.
"Just relax" says the doctor.
"How can I relax with your finger up my bum"
Once the doctor withdrew, the patient says" could you please stick a different finger up my bum"
Why asks the perplexed doctor??
"I'd like a second opinion"!!

[Chimo]

Heaven and Hell

While on her morning ride on her broomstick, Prime Minister Julia Gillard falls off, has a heart attack and dies because the 'accident and emergency' dept at her nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat her in time.

So her soul arrives in Heaven and she is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Gillard.

'I'm sorry . But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts her to a lift and she goes down, down, down ....all the way to Hell.

The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22°C. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it are Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped her out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc., even Kevin Rudd - The whole of the Labor Party leaders were there (and all the socialists from other parts of the world..good to see Starlin getting along nicely with Hitler)
Graig Thompson and his call girls were having a fun time and Peter Slipper was showing the newly arrived boys around.Jim Cairns had a new secretary and was busy negoiating a loan for the devil

Everyone is laughing, happy, and relaxed.

They run to greet her, to hug her (except Rudd who is still recovering from the stab wounds to his back!! ) and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the Australian 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Gillard with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Julia!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Gillard, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, ma’am. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Gillard takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like herself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labor Party pulled at the last election with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, National Broadband Network, Petrol prices, Carbon Tax, Mining Tax, Budget Surpluses, Solar schemes, National Broadband, Health Rebate, and Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before she realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug (except Rudd!) and waves as she steps into the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopen, she is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for her. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Gillard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. She doesn't see anybody she knows and she isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' she says uncomfortably to herself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Gillard reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts her to the lift and down she goes, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Gillard and puts an arm around her shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Gillard, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

[Chimo]

Maybe this should be in the politics section ..................



A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Canberra. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Lower House and Senate at Parliament House, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.




The man replies, "Roughly a litre."

[wayno60]

93403..........