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lucee81
18-04-2012, 07:32 AM
Heres a couple more i got sent...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.



"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.



So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

lucee81
18-04-2012, 07:33 AM
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy sh*t. That must be my husband!'



So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'



The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

lucee81
18-04-2012, 07:34 AM
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'



I bought her a scale.

lucee81
18-04-2012, 07:36 AM
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wNZjOYT412U/TxG_xPLuVpI/AAAAAAAACRc/LfSvUKS7uFI/s320/Husband+Wife-fight+started+funny.jpeg (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wNZjOYT412U/TxG_xPLuVpI/AAAAAAAACRc/LfSvUKS7uFI/s1600/Husband+Wife-fight+started+funny.jpeg)

lucee81
18-04-2012, 09:09 AM
History's top 10 (11) times for appropriate use of the F-word:


11th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my arse!" - Noah, 4314 BC

10th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

9th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

8th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

7th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6th - "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937

5th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

4th - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

3rd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

2nd- "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009



AND... just arrived...

The 1st most appropriate time for using the "F" word....






"I'm going to save the f***ing World with my Carbon Tax!!" - Juliar Gillard, 2011

lucee81
18-04-2012, 09:26 AM
Life thoughts bu Ducky......

1. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

2. Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

4. When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

5. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

lucee81
18-04-2012, 09:32 AM
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

lucee81
18-04-2012, 09:32 AM
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is.

I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not f*cking listening'

lucee81
18-04-2012, 09:33 AM
Was depressed last night, rang lifeline.

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

lucee81
18-04-2012, 09:34 AM
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and pisses Off.

lucee81
18-04-2012, 09:36 AM
And the best for last.......

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f*cker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ar*e but you said, 'F*ck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'

Chimo
19-04-2012, 05:23 PM
For all you other gym members............

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.


_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
####### was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________

FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________

SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

WalrusLike
20-04-2012, 06:16 AM
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM


I just read this out to my wife..,, We were both hysterical. Thanks, it's a ripper.

Gon Fishun
20-04-2012, 07:30 AM
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my fooken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fooken killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?'' ::)

charleville
20-04-2012, 06:46 PM
A gushy young female reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.


You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"


Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."


;D;D;D


.

wayno60
20-04-2012, 10:39 PM
I was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.
They both had strange accents so I said, “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland ?”




One of them screamed, “It's WALES you f**king idiot!”




So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?”




I expect to be released from hospital tomorrow.

Lancair
21-04-2012, 07:52 AM
posted 4 days ago.

Oh Gee
21-04-2012, 05:00 PM
Hey Lancair, "posted 4 days ago." I think it might have been two different girls. ;-)

finga
22-04-2012, 05:25 PM
I was standing in a bar in Cairns – North Queensland and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.

I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluick you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?

“No”, I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you %6$*$@#!.

finga
23-04-2012, 05:35 PM
SUNBURN TREATMENT

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Gon Fishun
23-04-2012, 05:53 PM
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

cormorant
24-04-2012, 02:14 AM
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, ---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.


"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's Brisbane, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Brisbane are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled and said, --- "I have created Canberra.
Wait and see the idiots I've put there."...............

cormorant
24-04-2012, 02:44 AM
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.


The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'


The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'


The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.


His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.


After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'



The Aussie said 'One!'



The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.



How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'


The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237..64!! What the hell did you sell him?'


'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'



'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'




'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4



The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'


'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...



'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'

wayno60
26-04-2012, 08:25 AM
Shot my first turkey yesterday!

Scared the shit out of everyone

in the frozen food section.

Gon Fishun
26-04-2012, 10:59 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor! The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

Chimo
26-04-2012, 01:36 PM
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.



After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.



As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.



But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.


After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.




A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was Julia Gillard.



That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.



Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.


Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.



He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'

lucee81
26-04-2012, 01:48 PM
A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"! The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimey banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........

" SH*T, SH*T, SH*T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO

lucee81
26-04-2012, 03:23 PM
I like to think i have read all 252 pages but i reckon i may have missed 1 or 2 so im sorry if htese have been done.....

The teacher started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Gerry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Gerry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

lucee81
26-04-2012, 03:24 PM
Little Gerry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Gerry. 'Giving up?'

lucee81
26-04-2012, 03:25 PM
The math teacher saw that little Gerry wasn't paying attention in class.. She called on him and said, 'Gerry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Gerry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

lucee81
26-04-2012, 03:25 PM
Little Gerry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Gerry asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

lucee81
26-04-2012, 03:26 PM
Little Gerry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Gerry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Gerry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

lucee81
26-04-2012, 03:28 PM
Mohammed entered his classroom.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed"....answered the kid.

"You are in Australia now, and there is no Mohammed.

From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. ....

"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed, I 'm in Australia and now my name is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents,
your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and with that, she gave him a beating.

Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher
saw him with all the bruises she asked:

"What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well Miss, 2 hours after becoming an Australian , I was attacked by two
f*cken Arabs."

lucee81
27-04-2012, 01:38 PM
Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'

bustaonenut
27-04-2012, 03:17 PM
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your Wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even At home yesterday."


Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing With himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jesus Paddy,what ya Doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the Bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to Attracter.....



Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to Do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do This year?. Paddy replies, - I'll @#$%^& take her with me!


Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the Shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just @#$%^ wet mine."

Camhawk88
27-04-2012, 03:39 PM
Kate Middleton was visiting her new mother in law- Queen Lizzy.
She asked- ' Your royal Highness, you and Phillip have been married a very long time, what is the secret to a long and happy marraige?'
The queen replied- 'always wear a seatbelt and dont piss me off."

lampuki
27-04-2012, 03:42 PM
http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/peter-slipper-faces-no-confidence-motion-should-he-get-back-into-the-speakers-chair/story-e6freon6-1226340783965

lucee81
29-04-2012, 08:14 PM
A wedding occurred just outside Dublin in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers

lucee81
29-04-2012, 08:17 PM
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Julia's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Julia's plan".. All grades will be averaged a...nd everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

Remember, there IS a test coming up. The 2013 elections

lucee81
29-04-2012, 08:23 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking

lucee81
29-04-2012, 08:24 PM
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

lucee81
01-05-2012, 07:55 AM
True story..







Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.




From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to ALDI, only to have their car break down in the car park.





The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.





The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.


On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.




Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..





Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.





On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at ...................... https://secure.quebles.com/content/hotmail/emoticons/1511515.gifher husband who was standing idly by watching.






The RACQ mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Chimo
01-05-2012, 11:58 AM
The instructions



A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth.

The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18.

The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17.

The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

Chimo
02-05-2012, 06:57 PM
http://www.youtube.com/embed/kPvciIdDZAE

lucee81
03-05-2012, 08:43 AM
One lazy Sunday the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly,
"When i die i want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a__hole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said " what make you think i'd marry another a__hole?"

lucee81
03-05-2012, 09:01 AM
Student who obtaines a F
79529

charleville
03-05-2012, 09:33 AM
Student who obtaines a F
79529



He got the first question wrong. Napoleon did not die in battle. It was obviously a trick question.



.

lucee81
03-05-2012, 10:06 AM
That would be true it was of stomach cancer or so its believed cant remember the date a google search will tell you. somethime in the 1820's
but the student did get the rest right :)

charleville
03-05-2012, 12:28 PM
That would be true it was of stomach cancer or so its believed



....or possibly deliberate arsenic poisoning. Anyway, enough of the serious stuff.... ::)


.

charleville
03-05-2012, 12:59 PM
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on the highway.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"


The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


;D;D;D

Chimo
03-05-2012, 01:59 PM
An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee". "He won't even taste it". "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor." Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"

"Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in25 years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

charleville
03-05-2012, 02:31 PM
Can anyone who understands engineering drawings or has, at least to some extent, kept abreast of tech drawing since they were at school , please tell me what this drawing is about, please?



https://img.skitch.com/20120503-df3yrc98tk6df4bycmkugtd7pn.preview.jpg (https://skitch.com/charleville2/8a1y2/engineeringdrawing)Click for large view (https://skitch.com/charleville2/8a1y2/engineeringdrawing) - Uploaded with Skitch (http://skitch.com)



;D;D;D



.

Chimo
03-05-2012, 03:08 PM
Luv it!!! too short! Hows this now?

lucee81
04-05-2012, 07:11 AM
I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us
and she immediately dropped to her knees, and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay there making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the
money."

lucee81
04-05-2012, 07:12 AM
Tony blair, george bush and john howard all die and go to hell.when they arrive they see a red phone which the devil tells them allows them to call earth at a cost.blair calls england for 15mins.the devil says that cost $1million.he writes a cheque.bush calls the usa for an hour and it cost $4million so he writes a cheque.howard calls australia for 4hours and the devil says that will be 20cents.bush and blair crack the shits and ask why he only gets charged 20cents.the devil says since julia gillard took over, the whole of australia has gone to hell so it now only a local call.

Lancair
05-05-2012, 04:45 PM
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

lucee81
05-05-2012, 05:01 PM
Friendship between women....
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband she stayed at her friends house.
the husband called 10 of her best friends they knew nothing about it.

Friendship between men....
A man didnt come home one night
the next day he told his wife he stayed at his friends house
the wife called 10 of his best friends

eight of them confirmed he had stayed over, and two claimed he was still there....

Goodoo haven
05-05-2012, 07:44 PM
YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE.

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might need a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive plaster, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the car you pulled over for speeding last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

Lancair
05-05-2012, 10:16 PM
Paddy says to Mick: "I found this pen. Is it your's?"
Mick says: "Don't know, give it here." He tries it and says "Yes, it's mine!"
"How did you know", asks Paddy.
"That's my handwriting, says Mick.

Lancair
05-05-2012, 10:19 PM
was on a plane the other day and you would NOT believe it.
There were two guys in the row in front of me bitching about the pilot being a woman.
"Jeez, I thought, you sexist, misoginist pigs - it's not like she'll have to reverse the thing is it!"

A man is sitting at the dining room table waiting for his wife to cook his breakfast.
All of a sudden he hears a loud thud and on going in to the kitchen to investigate he finds that his wife has dropped dead in the kitchen.
He goes into a complete panic not knowing what to do - then suddenly remembers that Coffee Club do an all-day breakfast for $8.95.

Lancair
07-05-2012, 01:02 PM
The Ohio State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while hiking.

They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Goodoo haven
07-05-2012, 01:27 PM
After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
So he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor . . . .
“You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

Goodoo haven
07-05-2012, 03:32 PM
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

Oh Gee
07-05-2012, 04:40 PM
The joke above by Goodoo haven reminds me.... of when aparently a native German pilot, flying an Airbus a380 into Munich radioed Air Traffic Control (ATC)and spoke using the German language. ATC responded that due to protocol, English must be used in comunications with ATC. The pilot exploded, I an a German pilot, Flying an aircraft made in Germany, for a German company, into a German city, Why must I speak English???? Before the ATC could reply, a very stiff upper lip English voice came over the radio " It's because old chap,we won the war... Twice".

Chimo
08-05-2012, 05:44 PM
A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'### tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust
loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

Goodoo haven
08-05-2012, 07:22 PM
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the
cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned
the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My
wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
to her ass that said.....
“From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:36 AM
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE A COURT REPORTER.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "where am I, Cathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:38 AM
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:39 AM
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:42 AM
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what way does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:48 AM
ATTORNEY: Do you know if you daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both Do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes. Voodoo.

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:48 AM
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:49 AM
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:50 AM
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:51 AM
ATTORNEY: she had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney; can I get a new attorney?

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:52 AM
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:52 AM
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:53 AM
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them, the live ones put up too much of a fight.

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:54 AM
ATTORNEY: All of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:54 AM
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:55 AM
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

lucee81
09-05-2012, 07:56 AM
And last but not least.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you preformed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

lucee81
10-05-2012, 05:27 AM
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

lucee81
10-05-2012, 05:28 AM
A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket," said the armless man, "you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

lucee81
10-05-2012, 05:30 AM
Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.

The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up."

The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me."

And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels." The others say "Hey! That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker!". She says "That's My boy

finga
10-05-2012, 07:16 AM
My Dad is Gay...... very touching story


Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go
out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David
aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for Collingwood, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

Goodoo haven
10-05-2012, 10:11 AM
A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia '
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Syria !'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I from Iran , I am not from Australia !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ......'Probably at work'

Goodoo haven
12-05-2012, 10:16 AM
A guy goes into Australia Post in 1974 to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

choppa
12-05-2012, 10:24 AM
79921,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, think about it

Lancair
12-05-2012, 02:34 PM
http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q153/Biggles70/haretortoise-1.jpg

I had to edit the word the rabbit utters when he realises he lost, it wasnt "family friendly".

SCOTTYGC
14-05-2012, 09:25 AM
On a recent trip to the United States , Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia, addressed a major gathering of Red Indians. She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for Carbon Trading Tax for Australia . At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Ms Gillard. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

wayno60
15-05-2012, 07:28 AM
I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal

the nicknames they had for their wives.

Best call was from the guy who called his wife “Harvey Norman .....”
...
Why? ......

No interest for 48 months

lucee81
15-05-2012, 10:40 AM
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is

Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my

camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like

the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop!

My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her

legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along

lucee81
15-05-2012, 10:40 AM
Man discovered Colours and invented PAINT,

Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKE-UP.

Man discovered WORDS and invented CONVERSATION,

Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Man discovered games and invented PLAYING CARDS,

Woman discovered PLAYING CARDS and invented TAROT.

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,

Woman discovered FOOD and invented the DIET.

Man discovered EMOTIONS and invented LOVE,

Woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE

Man discovered WOMANand invented SEX,

Woman discovered SEX and invented the HEADACHE.

Man discovered TRADE and invented MONEY,

Woman discovered MONEY and that put an end to everything....

lucee81
15-05-2012, 10:41 AM
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down the main street of Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"

She replied, "You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father," said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll be glad to light a candle for you."

"Thank -you, Father." And away she went.

Some years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well ," she said.

"And tell me ," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said, " And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, " He's gone to Rome to blow out your damn candle."

lucee81
15-05-2012, 10:43 AM
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions, YUM. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

lucee81
15-05-2012, 10:44 AM
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

lucee81
15-05-2012, 10:46 AM
ICE CREAM!

This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says 'I'm sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream'.

The lady says 'OK, I'll take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.'
The man says 'Ma-am, we are all out of chocolate'.
The little old lady says 'OK, then I'll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone'.

The man, a little more irritated this time says 'Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla'.
The lady says V A N

The man says, 'OK, spell straw as in strawberry'.
The lady says S T R A W.

The man says, 'OK, now spell f*ck as in chocolate'.
The lady says there ain't no f*ck in chocolate.

The man says, 'Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along!

lucee81
15-05-2012, 10:47 AM
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ' Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Goodoo haven
16-05-2012, 10:59 AM
A guy goes into Australia Post in 1974 to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

cormorant
16-05-2012, 08:30 PM
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.

Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No! Just show me your tongue."

Goodoo haven
17-05-2012, 04:45 PM
Stupid question, excellent response!


For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters..


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

WalrusLike
17-05-2012, 06:20 PM
Is this true? I have always been impressed by Cosgrove but now I am even more a fan!

Simple minded media just love to make inaccurate associations. Thanks for sharing.

littlejim
17-05-2012, 06:47 PM
That's the Australianised version. original joke had a yank general.
Cosgrove wouldn't have said anything like that.
(don't think a yank general would have said it either - it's a joke!)

theangryangler
17-05-2012, 10:22 PM
In the pub the other day and over heard two plump ladies having a conversation and noticed their accent
I asked äre you two ladies visiting from the UK?" They replied Ïts wales"
So i asked "are you two whales visiting from The UK?"
And thats the last thing i remember!!!

theangryangler
17-05-2012, 10:25 PM
Indian bloke goes into 7-11 for some toilet paper and sees the kleenex for $3 a roll and a "no name" for $1 a roll
He proceeds to get the No name and heads home. Comes back the next day and tells the checkout bloke
I have a name for your no name toilet paper, the checkout bloke asked what it is to which the indian chap replies
"John Wayne toilet paper" the bloke asks why? "cause it dont take no sh*t Offa indians!!!

lucee81
18-05-2012, 06:12 AM
An Arab entered a taxi in London. Once he was seated he asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because he was not permitted
to hear music other than that decreed by his religion.
In the time of the Prophet, there was no radio and certainly no music, he explained, especially Western music which is the
music of infidels.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the back door.
The Arab asked him: "What are you doing, man?"
The cabby answered: "In the time of the Prophet there were no taxis. Get out and wait for a camel."

lucee81
18-05-2012, 06:15 AM
Uncle Johnny, the village idiot goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
Johnny said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be on heat" the officer said.

Johnny replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Johnny. "That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

Johnny looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police-dog."

lucee81
18-05-2012, 06:19 AM
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice , big, cold glass of freshly squeezed Lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more
Tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Wayne

lucee81
18-05-2012, 06:21 AM
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

lucee81
18-05-2012, 06:23 AM
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is that I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!” Please tell us what you're planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go get her."

WalrusLike
18-05-2012, 08:02 AM
Is this true? I have always been impressed by Cosgrove but now I am even more a fan!

Simple minded media just love to make inaccurate associations. Thanks for sharing.

Simple minded fans love to believe anything. :)

I thought it was unlikely.... But hoped it was true. Thanks Jim.

theangryangler
18-05-2012, 08:32 PM
802108020980208802078020680205802048020380202If your dog could text:

WalrusLike
18-05-2012, 08:50 PM
Nearly died laughing. Holy crap that was good.

theangryangler
19-05-2012, 12:16 AM
80214
ah so true so true;D

Goodoo haven
21-05-2012, 11:19 AM
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

lucee81
21-05-2012, 12:31 PM
The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

lucee81
21-05-2012, 12:33 PM
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

lucee81
21-05-2012, 12:38 PM
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Texan were on a plane when it begins to experience engine problems.

The captain tells them the plane is going to crash, but that there is time to parachute out of the plane. The only problem is that they are short four parachutes. The Frenchman jumps up and screams "vie la France" and jumps out the plane without a parachute. The Englishman not wanting to be out done by a frenchy shouts "stiff upper lip now" and jumps out of the plane. The Texan shouts, "remember the Alamo" and throws two Mexicans from the plane.

lucee81
21-05-2012, 12:40 PM
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place .......smack his butt again!'

lucee81
21-05-2012, 12:49 PM
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.

So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" Bubba replied, "Well, coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer.

That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom.

He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his p***s on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"

lucee81
21-05-2012, 01:03 PM
A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband, " she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8.

Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

lucee81
21-05-2012, 01:09 PM
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasnt wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctors office.

The doctor asks her whats wrong, why doesnt she want to have sex with her husband? Oh, thats easily explained. For the past six months, the wife says, Ive been taking a cab to work every morning. I dont have any money.

The cab driver asks me, Are you going to pay today, or what? So, I take an or what.

Then, when I get to work, she continues, Im late, so the boss asks me, Are we going to write this down in the book, or what? So, I take an or what. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money.

The cab driver asks me again, So, are you going to pay this time, or what? Again, I take an or what. So you see, doc, by the time I get home Im all tired out and dont want it anymore.

Yes, I see, replies the doctor. So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?

lucee81
21-05-2012, 01:33 PM
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.

"Well, if you must know, " said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery.

" The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives.

He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best.

I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee.

You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best." The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight, and looked terrible. The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened ???" The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite.

" Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze.

Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch.

She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."

lucee81
21-05-2012, 01:40 PM
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants/panties anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary whose species and or name you can't remember. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker

Goodoo haven
21-05-2012, 01:42 PM
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

lucee81
21-05-2012, 01:48 PM
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "P***ycat.

" The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE me that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next-door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's p***y doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.

God only knows who the father is!" then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

lucee81
21-05-2012, 01:56 PM
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.

He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life.

In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child.

What do you think of that?" The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season.

But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle.

So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?" The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!" "EXACTLY" says the doctor.

lucee81
21-05-2012, 02:28 PM
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry, " he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

lucee81
21-05-2012, 02:31 PM
Once there was a midget who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always talking about his aching testicles his friend suggested that he go to the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor & told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to cough, which he did. "Ah! Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did. "Ah! Ah!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side & he told the midget to pull up his pants & see if it still ached. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching. "What did you do Doc?" he asked. The doc replied.."I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots!!"

lucee81
21-05-2012, 02:48 PM
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.

If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.

For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.

Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly..make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die, " she replied

lucee81
21-05-2012, 03:14 PM
This is said to be a true story from the a major word processor software producer's helpline. Supposedly, the help desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Customer Support employee: "Customer Support Desk, may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with your word processor software." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared.

" "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing.

" "Nothing?" "It's blank it won't accept anything when I type.

" "Are you still in the program, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a C: prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.

Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......

Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

" "....... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage.

" "A power outage ??? Aha !!! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

" "Really? Is it that bad?" "Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

finga
21-05-2012, 04:39 PM
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


I read that I had a type-A blood, but it was a Typo.


PMS jokes aren't funny; period.


Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


We’re going on a trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


Broken pencils are pointless


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx


All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.


Velcro — what a rip off!


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!


The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

lucee81
21-05-2012, 05:18 PM
Watch out Alfred's on fire today :) 😃😃😃

lucee81
22-05-2012, 05:15 AM
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

"CELEBRATE !!!"

lucee81
22-05-2012, 05:19 AM
For those of us who remember Milk Deliveries in Bottles, here is a good example of a collection of notes left in milk bottles...

Dear milkman:

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

milkman please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

lucee81
22-05-2012, 05:21 AM
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

lucee81
22-05-2012, 05:23 AM
Irish Burial at Sea Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus , who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer think this is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'This'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No this'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'


'Aye 'tis,


NOW hand me that shovel.'

lucee81
22-05-2012, 05:23 AM
A pharmaceutical truck was robbed today, all of the Viagra was stolen, the police have asked the public to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

lucee81
22-05-2012, 05:35 AM
This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

'And you thought your first date was embarrassing' was Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Lancair
22-05-2012, 08:05 AM
When I was 14, my dad caught me smoking. He made me smoke the whole pack.
I wish he'd caught me shaggin that girl guide !

Lancair
22-05-2012, 08:06 AM
The wife asked me to go to the doctor about my erection problems. She wasn't too happy when I came back and gave her some slimming pills.

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ asked all the married men to "go and stand next to the person who makes your life worthwhile". The barman was crushed to death.

My wife spent hours in the bathroom ready for going out. Eventually she came out and asked "Honestly. Do I look fat in this?"
I said, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".

lucee81
22-05-2012, 08:45 AM
A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.
The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.
She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy, she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.
"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.
The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.
She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.

Cods Whallup
22-05-2012, 04:40 PM
An Aussie says to a Kiwi, Over here we shear our sheep, the Kiwis says, Oh ye thuts wucked bro we dont share our shup wit noone eh!

lucee81
22-05-2012, 09:01 PM
Some of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is a really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford Crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

13. "The Batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey" - Brian Johnston stating the bowler Michael Hodling and the batsman Peter Willey in a test cricket match

14. "Well, Botham just couldn't get his leg over there" - Brian Johnston when Ian Botham stood on his wicket after trying to step over them facing a fast bouncer.

lucee81
22-05-2012, 09:03 PM
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now! '

lucee81
24-05-2012, 05:29 AM
One day a teacher went into her classroom and saw the word "#####" written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson.

The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "#####" on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read :

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

lucee81
24-05-2012, 05:30 AM
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn"t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

lucee81
24-05-2012, 05:31 AM
My new Thai girlfriend said, "A small ##### shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship."

I still wish she didn't have one...

lucee81
24-05-2012, 05:31 AM
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!

lucee81
24-05-2012, 05:33 AM
A door to door poll taker asked a young housewife what form of contraception she and her husband used.
"We use the bucket and saucer method." Replied the woman.
"Gee," said the man, "I have never heard of that one before, can you explain it to me."
"Well, it works like this," replied the woman, "My husband is shorter than me so he has to stand on a bucket."
"I see," said the man, "What happens then?"
"And when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!"

lucee81
24-05-2012, 05:34 AM
The blonde teenage girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house.

When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants.

"I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered. "I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria.

lucee81
24-05-2012, 05:35 AM
The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

lucee81
24-05-2012, 05:37 AM
After having their 11th child, a couple decided that was enough, as the social couldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand

lucee81
24-05-2012, 05:43 AM
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

Kero
24-05-2012, 10:31 AM
Julia Gillard goes to aprimary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand andshe asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you said you're alesbian?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they willcontinue after recess.

When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him hisname.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously alesbian?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley?

lucee81
26-05-2012, 07:35 AM
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then startsputting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

Black_Rat
26-05-2012, 07:40 AM
80521

.....................................

lucee81
26-05-2012, 08:15 AM
For all the golden oldies out there.....

Giffo65
26-05-2012, 06:26 PM
Give it to me, she yelled, I am so wet !!Give it to me now I am so f##cken wet !.


She can scream all she wanted,I am not sharing my umbrella !

Goodoo haven
28-05-2012, 10:35 AM
What the mother of every daughter fears...



Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"



Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."



Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"



Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Cods Whallup
28-05-2012, 08:42 PM
NSW!!!!!!!!!

Cods Whallup
28-05-2012, 08:53 PM
Lionel comes home from the first day of primary school and he tells him mum " mum ive got the biggest old fella in grades 1,2 and3 and its cause im Aboriginal" mum says mate its not cause your aboriginal now go and do your homework!
The next day lionel comes and tells his mum "mum ive got the biggest old fella in grades 1,2,3,4 and 5 and its cause im Aboriginal" mum says its not cause your Aboriginal now go and do your homework!
The next afternoon Lionel came home he tells mum "mum I got the biggest old fella in the whole entire school and its cause im Aboriginal" mum says Lionel its not cause your Aboriginal its because your F#%$EN seventeen!!!

lucee81
28-05-2012, 09:13 PM
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".

lucee81
28-05-2012, 09:14 PM
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner,where a policeman is standing. 'Officer,' he asks, 'have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?' 'No,I haven't.What's the problem?' 'The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!' 'Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?' the officer asks. 'Well,yes,' the barber replies. 'He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand.

lucee81
28-05-2012, 09:15 PM
A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most
embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:

4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening,
so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in
bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to
get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got
up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed
out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize."
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming
over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in
with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.

1st Place.
And the winner is . . .

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology
lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the
taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat"

lucee81
28-05-2012, 09:18 PM
A long story but worth a read.....
God love the woman who shared this............

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal -
The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night.
Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so
much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are
stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give
her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of
the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.................

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Chimo
30-05-2012, 01:45 PM
HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:







Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why , got a r**t though .

Lancair
31-05-2012, 04:41 PM
A mate of mine is a bit of a clever guy know-it-all.
He was telling me and insisting that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face!

theangryangler
03-06-2012, 06:03 PM
Murder Or Suicide?????
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge...
so they stopped and parked their Harleys.

Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't
you give me a kiss?"

So she does....

And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've
ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why
in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

The authorities think she may have been pushed…;D

Lancair
04-06-2012, 01:24 PM
Did you hear about the prostitute who got her vaseline and window putty mixed up ?



All her windows fell out.

Goodoo haven
05-06-2012, 11:35 AM
Confucius Say
Getting sick at the airport, could be a terminal illness.
Confucius Say
Blondes have more fun because they are easier to amuse.
Confucius Say
Undertakers are nice - they're the last to let people down.
Confucius Say
Self-centered trumpet player, likes to toot his own horn.
Confucius Say
Jokes become a father, when the punch line becomes apparent.
Confucius Say
A person will never tell a lie, if the truth will do more damage.
Confucius Say
Best way to make wife's panties wet every day, is to do the laundry.
Confucius Say
Balloon factory will go out of business if it can't keep up with inflation.
Confucius Say
Man who start crystal ball factory, bound to make a fortune.
Confucius Say
There is no future in writing a history book.

Goodoo haven
05-06-2012, 11:44 AM
Vasectomy Tale

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to perform thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient, and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?



The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but... you have MBF and they have Medicare."

Goodoo haven
05-06-2012, 11:48 AM
Retirement

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question:Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question:Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.


Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .


Question:What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break…spiked !

Question:What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.


Question:Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he worked with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.




SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.




Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

Goodoo haven
05-06-2012, 11:58 AM
https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=941a86f69b&view=att&th=137ba5b730fa5879&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=82ffbcb550318622_0.1&zw&atsh=1

Now it all makes sense!

Goodoo haven
05-06-2012, 12:05 PM
The Parking Officer's Funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral
a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done"

Goodoo haven
05-06-2012, 12:18 PM
SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's ##### and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.




No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

Goodoo haven
05-06-2012, 12:31 PM
BOOZY WISDOM

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Goodoo haven
05-06-2012, 03:24 PM
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood, but true to his wife, goes home.

When he gets home, he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.

He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.

Of course, she chokes, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT, I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!!!"

He says, "That's what I wanted to hear!"

Goodoo haven
05-06-2012, 03:31 PM
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.


NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

Goodoo haven
05-06-2012, 07:50 PM
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now.... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

SCOTTYGC
06-06-2012, 07:57 AM
Gonorrhea Lectim - New Deadly Disease.



One should be thinking about thisseriously.

The Centre for Disease Control has issued awarning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called "GonorrheaLectim." It's pronounced "Gonna re-electem" and it is a terrible and deadly ailment.

The disease is contracted throughdangerous and high risk behaviour involving putting your cranium up yourrectum. Many victims contracted it in 2007.

But now most people, afterhaving been infected for the past few years, are starting to realizehow destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim iseasily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout.

Most people in Queensland took the firstdose a couple of months ago but the second dose is due latenext year.

The real cure requires that you simply donot engage in such behaviour again; otherwise, it couldbecome permanent and eventually wipe out all life as weknow it.

pescados
06-06-2012, 02:17 PM
Cuckoo Clock


Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'


Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?



I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!



.

.

.

.

.





Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'

When I asked him why, he said,



'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

theangryangler
08-06-2012, 09:40 AM
A woman is watchin a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells
"Dont enter the church you daft *itch, Its a trap!!"
Her husband asks her "what are you watching?"
Wife replies "Its our Wedding video!!!"

Goodoo haven
10-06-2012, 11:15 AM
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake.

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were

Blowing your horn,

Flipping off the guy in front of you

and

Cursing a blue streak at him.



I noticed the

'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker,

The 'Choose Life' license plate holder,

The 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,

and

The chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,

Soooooooooooooo-o naturally....I assumed

You had stolen the car.''

Priceless.

Goodoo haven
10-06-2012, 11:18 AM
One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for job placement was:

"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"




Those who spelled spine became doctors. The rest of us went to the police academy.

Goodoo haven
10-06-2012, 12:18 PM
In Court the Judge says to a double-homicide defendant.

"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,


"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm Sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Goodoo haven
10-06-2012, 12:26 PM
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


Please enjoy the following :


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?

Goodoo haven
10-06-2012, 12:30 PM
FORGOT MY GLASSES

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 80 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier

Goodoo haven
10-06-2012, 01:04 PM
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol for sale in Australia in honour of our politicians and bureaucrats. It will be named the Public Servant.


It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

Goodoo haven
10-06-2012, 01:23 PM
How tough are Australian men??

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from Nah Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'.

Trevor, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his #####.

theangryangler
11-06-2012, 08:31 PM
I was at the pool the other day and
thought i would take a sneaky pee in
the deep end, well the lifeguard must
have seen me!! He blew his whistle so
loud I nearly fell in!!!!!!

GAFYM
12-06-2012, 02:02 PM
Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack

Grumpy my son, says the Pope, "What can i do for you"

Grumpy asks "Excuse me your excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Grumpy there are no dwarf nuns in Rome"

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says "I'm sorry, my son, there sre no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.

ALL the other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting



"Grumpy shagged a Penguin"
"Grumpy shagged a Penguin"

sandman55
12-06-2012, 09:28 PM
An oldie (Hence the French President), but.....


Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.

"Sarkozy sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. Also since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way on Earth we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

Goodoo haven
14-06-2012, 10:21 AM
Marriage Humour:

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

_____________

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

----------------------! --------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

----------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '

I like your sense of humour!'

Goodoo haven
14-06-2012, 10:27 AM
https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=941a86f69b&view=att&th=137e5f8867e5ccc3&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

Goodoo haven
14-06-2012, 11:05 AM
https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=941a86f69b&view=att&th=137e624dd3614a76&attid=0.6&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

Goodoo haven
14-06-2012, 11:12 AM
https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=941a86f69b&view=att&th=137e5f8e70f041f5&attid=0.4&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

Chimo
14-06-2012, 04:53 PM
ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS?

The following questions were in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) – and they breed and vote.

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

finga
15-06-2012, 11:31 AM
A little kid said to me ''what's your favourite Telly Tubby'' I said ''Probably the Samsung 42 inch flat screen you cheeky little bugger.

theangryangler
16-06-2012, 01:04 PM
81277
Nothing nothing (Have to write something)

theangryangler
16-06-2012, 01:09 PM
Men Without wives.....;D
81278812828127981280812818128381284
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/images/misc/pencil.png
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/images/misc/pencil.png

theangryangler
16-06-2012, 01:13 PM
True story of a bloke who tried to pay his electricity bill wih a drawing of a spider......

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
Regards, David.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/2008/national/spider.jpg

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.
Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Yes please.
Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Attached
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/2008/national/spider.jpg

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?
Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.
Regards, David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
Regards, David.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/2008/national/spider8.jpg

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.
Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/2008/national/spider8.jpg

Chimo
16-06-2012, 04:58 PM
http://www.rtbot.net/play.php?id=Xv1tMioGgXI

Chimo
17-06-2012, 11:41 AM
DIVORCE AGREEMENT

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVEIT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!!
WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

Dear Australian Laborites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the ACTU, the Fabian Society and every member of Emily’s List. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers (particularly Kerry O'Brien) and Bob Brown. You are, however, responsible for finding an electric vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and boat people. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and the churches and give you SBS and the Greens.

You can make peace with Iran, Palestine and the Taliban and we'll retain the right to stand up and fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the 4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can find.

We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and our National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya", "We Are The World" and his recent big solo hit “Beds and Batts are Burning.”

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded conservative Australians and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John Wall
Australian Law Student

PS. Also, please take Bob Brown, Sarah Hansen Young, Christine Milne Wayne Swan, Alan Griffin, John Faulkner, Julia, Penny Wong, Tony Windsor, Rob Oakeshott and Jenny Macklin with you.




PSS. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country

theangryangler
19-06-2012, 09:12 AM
How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
http://65.55.40.199/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=d07af930-aef5-11e1-8965-002264c154b4&attindex=0&cp=-1&attdepth=0&imgsrc=cid%3aE158459F2E9F41498940A051B8A4A0E2%40co lumnpc&shared=1&blob=MHxpbWFnZTAwMS5qcGd8aW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d&hm__login=pforpaperwork&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.12.162.8&d=d4292&mf=0&hm__ts=Mon%2c%2018%20Jun%202012%2023%3a10%3a39%20G MT&st=pforpaperwork&hm__ha=01_7003498db5f977d4cbbe318087dea448f077670b ff1da9db806a255973dd5c29&oneredir=1
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog
http://65.55.40.199/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=d07af930-aef5-11e1-8965-002264c154b4&attindex=1&cp=-1&attdepth=1&imgsrc=cid%3a67C8BF34CD3741659F1B36ACCE90AC23%40co lumnpc&shared=1&blob=MXxpbWFnZTAwMi5qcGd8aW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d&hm__login=pforpaperwork&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.12.162.8&d=d4292&mf=0&hm__ts=Mon%2c%2018%20Jun%202012%2023%3a10%3a39%20G MT&st=pforpaperwork&hm__ha=01_0542d09832a2738041a2dcacc2931b230fa5d169 25ee828600663db56eff3a54&oneredir=1

theangryangler
19-06-2012, 09:13 AM
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
>
> Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
>
> Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
>
> Dear Mrs. Harris,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
> listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
>
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
> called.
>
> 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
> antidepressants were.
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
> fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
> 15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
>
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
>
> One of the clerks passed out.

Camhawk88
19-06-2012, 03:05 PM
2 rats return to their home in the ceiling after a hard day of pestilance, terrorising and general rattiness.

Being a competitive bunch of male rats the conversation quickly turned to what they did for the dayand why they were so tough.

The first rats says, ' I am so tough, I was out in the kitchen today looking for some food to crap on when I stumble across these blue pellets under the fridge. Now being a worldly rat I know this is the dreaded ratsac so being the tough bastard I am, I scoffed the lot. Bit of a guts ache for a bit but that was it- no worries.'

Second Rat says- ' thats nothin mate, I was in one of the bedrooms pissing on the carpet when I smell this cheese. I wander over and find it sitting on a huge rat trap- big as a dingo trap it was. So I marched right up to it, snatched the cheese and as that jaw came down I braced and it snapped over my back. Tough bastard i am!'

Just then a third rats wanders in, pays no attention to the other 2 and lays back , little paws behind its head and crossing its back legs started to humm contently.

Oi you have just walked in here with the 2 toughest rats in the world and have the audacity to start humming! This bloke here just ate ratsac for breaky and I just broke a rat trap over my back. What prey tell have you done with the day that makes you think you can waltz in here?

The 3rd rat stops humming and looks to the other two and answers-' I just f*&ked the cat'.

lucee81
19-06-2012, 03:37 PM
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/neighbour_letter.jpg

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp

I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.


From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,


Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.


Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I’m not Jack London.


I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.


As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.


Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,


In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.


I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.


And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.


I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.


It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window.


Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Did you take our lamp again #######? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,


No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:


1. It's in the letterbox again.
2. Look in the letterbox.


As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:


What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?


Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the f**k up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges.


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,


What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?


Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

No it's not ok.


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,


What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.


Regards, David.


From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

F**k off back to Austria.

Chimo
19-06-2012, 07:00 PM
Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"...

Chimo
19-06-2012, 09:23 PM
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.



After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his
two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.



As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.



But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.



A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was Julia Gillard.



That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.



Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.



He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'

Lancair
19-06-2012, 10:14 PM
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High Colonics".

No go.

Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".

Thumbs down again.

Then came: "Minds and Behinds".

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".

Unacceptable to the city council .. again!

So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts".

Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council.

"Nuts and Butts?"

Definitely not.

"Freaks and Cheeks"?

Shot down again.

"Loons and Moons"?

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

Lancair
22-06-2012, 05:55 PM
I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked absolutely gorgeous.

Although things went sour when I said, "And that's not just the drink talking either."

lucee81
26-06-2012, 11:25 AM
My offspring's birthday is next week. Last birthday, I told him to draw pictures of what he wanted as a visual list. When I inquired as to one image (which I first took to be a box of coloured crayons), I deciphered his explanations as it being tampons. In particular, the multicoloured brand. His only references to the product were the adverts featuring a girl jumping out of a window onto a tree which lowered her into a bmw convertible full of friends, an electric green street racing car with black flames and the ability to do a single handed handstand star-jump on a dance machine to crowd applause.

I bought him a box and figured he would work it out. Yesterday I asked him what he wants for his birthday and he replied 'not tampons'.

wacoaus
27-06-2012, 09:39 AM
Dunno if this has been done here before


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 andPersonal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail..

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Hunting Camp 5.1,Fishing 1.2, Happy Hour7.0 orBeer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7...
Good Luck!
Tech Support

wacoaus
27-06-2012, 09:40 AM
Two men were having coffee, when one of them said: "Last night, my son
just walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance
immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window,
take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please give my jewelry
to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then sell my car. Take my front door
key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never
talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and
leave my share to my brother.’"





The other man said: "Wow, he really said that?"





"Well, he didn't put it quite that way. He actually said ...
‘Dad, I've decided to work for Gillards re-election campaign.’"

wacoaus
27-06-2012, 09:49 AM
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request,
dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

finga
27-06-2012, 09:53 AM
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. ‘Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in heaven....

wacoaus
27-06-2012, 10:00 AM
Husband banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

**************************

Hope this made you laugh as it did me.

Noelm
03-07-2012, 02:21 PM
Explanation of Common Tools:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, "YEOWW CRAPP...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X2: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off wheel nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Home owners primarily use it
to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.

sandman55
04-07-2012, 08:34 PM
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter.
They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday.
His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.


The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Goodoo haven
05-07-2012, 10:32 AM
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

Chimo
06-07-2012, 07:05 PM
Definitely time for a laugh ...

Something here for every version of economic belief©©



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.



COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.



FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.



NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.



BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.



TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.



ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.



SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.



A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.



A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now an enforced Democracy.



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

sandman55
06-07-2012, 09:24 PM
A Jehovah's witness came to my house. I let him in. Once he got in he didn't say a word for a few minutes. Finally I said "Why aren't you saying anything ?" He replied "I never got this far before"

Chimo
08-07-2012, 03:02 PM
THE TEST

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The
test features a situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please
scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION

You are in Queensland , Brisbane to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by severe storms.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for the Courier Mail, and you’re
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.

You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into
the water..

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.

THE TEST

Suddenly, you see a woman in the water.

She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer… Somehow, this woman looks familiar…

You suddenly realise who it is… It’s Julia Gillard! You notice that the
raging waters are about to take her under forever.

You have two options:

1. You can save the life of Prime Minister Gillard; or

2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting
the death of one of the country’s most powerful people!

THE QUESTION

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer…

——————————————————————————#

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

sandman55
09-07-2012, 12:20 AM
A ten-year-old kid from New York City went to his grandpa's farm for the weekend. He tagged along as grandpa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in because everything was a new experience for him.

Then grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving. He didn't know how the whole process would be taken in by the ten-year-old, but he had no option but to get on with the job of assisting with the birth.

When the calf had been 'pulled' and the cow was happily cleaning it up, grandpa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.

At first the city kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but he finally asked, "Just how freakin' fast was that calf going when it hit the cow's butt?"

wayno60
09-07-2012, 12:25 AM
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London . A Scotsman, an Englishmanand an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't gottickets.* * The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his armand walks to the gate.* *"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slingsit over his shoulder.* *"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Polevault," and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll ofbarbed wire and tucks it under his arm.* *"O'Malley, Ireland ," he says, * *"Fencing

sandman55
09-07-2012, 09:48 PM
An Amish woman was driving her buggy when a traffic officer stopped her.






"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the triangle reflector on the back of your buggy is about to fall off."





"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."





"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."





"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."





True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would fix it immediately." Also," said the woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake too.

Chimo
11-07-2012, 04:23 PM
A bloke walks into a bar in NEW ZEALAND and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up,
expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."





Which reminds me --- Did you hear that the price of lamb has just gone up in New Zealand ?? --- It’s now $1.50 an hour !!!

bustaonenut
14-07-2012, 03:38 PM
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'.

Boat Hog
15-07-2012, 03:56 PM
Julia Gillard walked into the NAB to cash a cheque. As she approached the cashier she said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Madam. Could you please show me your ID?"

Gillard: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Julia Gillard , the Prime Minister!!!"
...
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on proof of identity."

Gillard: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Gillard: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into my coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque............
...........Another time, Lleyton Hewitt came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.............So madam, what can you do to prove that you really are the Prime Minister?"

Gillard stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at".

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"

Chimo
16-07-2012, 10:29 AM
One for all us country folk.:P

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Chimo
19-07-2012, 07:35 AM
A doctor, after examining an attractive middle-aged female patient, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

Goodoo haven
19-07-2012, 01:20 PM
Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor - breakdancing,
moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

Chimo
20-07-2012, 04:23 PM
It's Hell to be Old !
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''

Old people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

wayno60
22-07-2012, 06:29 PM
I just got sacked from my job with the Lifeline crisis centre.

A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm lying on the railway track at Central waiting for the train to come".

I swear, all I said was,"Remain calm and stay on the line".

Chimo
22-07-2012, 06:55 PM
Further to the "Old Thing":P



A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.


She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'




It pays to be careful around old people!!!

Lancair
23-07-2012, 02:23 PM
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Chimo
24-07-2012, 10:54 AM
There's a moral to every story, can you work it out?



THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:




Always keep your condoms in your car.

Goodoo haven
24-07-2012, 11:42 AM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Goodoo haven
24-07-2012, 11:44 AM
Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bum and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day!

Chimo
25-07-2012, 06:40 AM
Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home in Ireland were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year-old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well.
When the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID WE GOTTA SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH MY GOODNESS - BOTH OF US?"

Chimo
26-07-2012, 04:08 PM
German plumber finds a solution to an occupational hazard!

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/wlmailhtml:%7B7C273EB8-32CD-44B3-88BF-30B23F707508%7Dmid://00000034/%21cid:3FAB0B0D-DED8-43D3-935B-EBB21A792A86@local82726

Goodoo haven
27-07-2012, 11:03 AM
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'


'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'


'Just three questions' said St Peter.


'Which are?' asked the Blonde.


'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?


The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'


'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'


So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).


The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'


'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'


The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'


St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.


'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'


St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.


A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'


The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'


'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'


And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

Goodoo haven
30-07-2012, 06:33 PM
"Come to Australia"........Sponsored by the Australian Labor Party.



http://www.youtube.com/embed/W8sarHnaSp0?rel=0

Lancair
30-07-2012, 08:27 PM
At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Master Carlos? this is Arnaldo your
country hazienda caretaker." (heavy mexican accent)

"Ah yes, Mr Arnaldo. What can I do for you?
Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, senor,
that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

"Si senor"

"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
Oh well...what did he die of?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses senor."

"Dead horses? What dead horses, Mr. Arnaldo?"

"Why, those purebred ones that you had, senor.
They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and then
the curtain caught on fire."

"What the....! But there's electricity at the house !!!
What was the candle for???"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!"

"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of
the blue and I thought she was a thief,
so I SHOT her."

Goodoo haven
31-07-2012, 11:39 AM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Goodoo haven
31-07-2012, 12:00 PM
A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog
Was a 'sniffing dog'..

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
Seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
And said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
Seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
On the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
Police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
Little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
Jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s#*t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this Behaviour and
Couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

Goodoo haven
31-07-2012, 12:09 PM
A husband walks into David Jones to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea.
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief!
You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Lancair
01-08-2012, 03:46 PM
A woman came home early and found her hubby in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want
a divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!"

And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I
took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say
they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good
taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''