Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[TimiBoy]

A Lay-off letter from an excellent boss.

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organisation, I have resigned myself to the fact that Julia Gillard is our Prime Minister and that our insurance costs, taxes and government fees have increased and obviously will continue to increase in a BIG way. This is the Labor way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by at least 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty either 'Vote Labor or Kevin 007' bumper stickers displayed on our employees' cars. The board has decided these are the ones that we will let go. We can't think of a fairer way to approach this problem. They voted for change...... and now they are getting it.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

[Chimo]

If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one .........





A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

[groverwa]

Subject: Planking


Everyone and his/ her dog is doing it

[TimiBoy]

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far
too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:- Have you had
any actual experience in picking lemons?"
He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a
Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats.
Then I voted for Peter Beattie, Anna Bligh, Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard.
"How am I doing so far?"

[finga]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from
the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.




My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never
came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."




The police came to an Irishman's front door holding a picture of his wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, he answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
He said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."




Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"




Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."




Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

[finga]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

[Chimo]

Blond Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it’s like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor-home with her.

So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, - "Now go to town cowboy... ".

And here I am.

[finga]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates
me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.”

The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

“It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it's going to give you something to hold



on to when I pull your tooth."

[Kero]

This isn't a joke but is well worth a look.
Whoever did this is an editing genius.
Turn on sound and turn it up! Enjoy!

"Footloose" (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=ZYL3j27sSH8&vq=medium)

[Chimo]

The Dark Side Of Women !

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be in your care!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[groverwa]

I finally got the book that will help you understand women better. Let me know if you need a copy!

[thylacene]

67662

If only I'd known this when I was 15

[groverwa]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you ...

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

*Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed.*

[keith51]

Julia Gillard was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane leaving
from Sydney. She turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
Said to Gillard, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said Julia. 'How about global warming or health
care', and she smiles smugly.

OK, ' the girl said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a kangaroo all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a kangaroo excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'

The PM, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

The little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming or health care when you don't know $h!t?'

[finga]

The chief woman Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angrily, the woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

"Well"... replied the doctor, "I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove old growth timber from a recreational area . . . I'm sorry but they all turned me down."

[finga]

Dear People of Australia ,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
Economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
Workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
Will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
For the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
Deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government..

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
Has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should
You feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the
Attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
Julia Gillard
Canberra
PS: Have a nice life. . . . .

[groverwa]

Self explanatory

[groverwa]

My Dear Husband,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie.. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. You're either cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

PS: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to Aruba together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for seven years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million dollar Lotto on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 first-class tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband
Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

Best wishes,

John

[Chimo]

The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is our most expensive lady.. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, he pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

Next night the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie said that never before had anyone come back the next night; she was so expensive. There were no discounts; the price was still £5000.

At once the man gave Valerie the money and they went upstairs. After an hour he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded, but he paid Valerie and they again went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." he said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person.


The moral of the story:
Three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Kero]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. Hesaid he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
V

V

V

V

V

V



His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why , got a root though .

[groverwa]

A nasty mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order.

He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'



'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of Bake beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'








'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well fill up on gas

[finga]

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[fisho8]

Q: How can you tell when a woman has not had sex in a while.

A: When you stick you hand down her pants it feels like you are feeding a horse.

[charleville]

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."



"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"



"From my nose," the drunk replied.



;D;D;D;D;D


.

[Chaz]

Q: How can you tell when a woman has not had sex in a while.

A: When you stick you hand down her pants it feels like you are feeding a horse.

That is way gross and I'm disgusted at myself for laughing.

Chaz

[fisho8]

^^^^Get a laugh every time I tell it chaz some may like some may not each to their own I guess.:)

[Lancair]

Got myself a new rifle yesterday, decided to try it out this morning. I went hunting rabbits, got 3 inside of 5 mins. The woman in the pet shop went mental and called the cops, some people have no sense of humour.

[TimiBoy]

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

'Son, where were you today?' Son says 'at school dad.' Robot slaps the son! 'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!' 'What dvd?' 'Toy story.' Robot slaps the son again! 'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.

'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs 'Ha Ha Ha! He's certainly your son.' Robot slaps The mum!

[groverwa]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION



1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.


3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.


4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.


5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....


6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.:o:o




There must be a lot of people in Canberra playingMARBLES!;D;D

[Lancair]

News Headlines ???



Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over


Miners Refuse to Work after Death


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant


War Dims Hope for Peace


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures


Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Lancair]

A U.S. Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain: Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.
They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point: No Jews please."


8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

[groverwa]

You may never remember the Australian Coat of Arms again as it was.:o;D

Or is this the An&l Ostrich strutting her stuff.:-X;D

[groverwa]

Mothers In Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom, Ann.. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name Penny..
"He turned to the third mom, Kathy.. "Your obsession is with alcohol. This, too, shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home."

[Bull]

I couldn't find that bloody thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes so I asked the kids if they'd seen it .
Apparently she left me last month

[Chimo]

A Montana senior citizen (or in AF jargon, a GOM) drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, (thats 130km for you younuns) enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-90, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Montana State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph,(161kms) then 110,(172kms) then 120.(194kms) There you go younguns!



Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've n ever before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Montana State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir" replied the trooper.

[sandman55]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask, "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90.

[Chimo]

*BEER, FISHING, SEX &* *GOLF*

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[Chimo]

Whoever this guy is he has a definite message for you

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool.

Cut a long storyshort, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. fokall! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah. There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my WP supporter jersey, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF @@@!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK, @&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm pretty sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as a just for fun.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid d00s!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.

So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test it, take my advice! Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty....

[Chimo]

How to combine our two favourite sports, boating and shooting!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9mb8zrXzRQ&feature=player_embedded

[STUIE63]

A while ago a new supermarket opened in town .
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.




Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.



When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.




In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.




When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.




The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.



I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Lancair]

Pat and Mick decide to spend the weekend fishing. They go off to a large lake and hire a boat for the day. After an hour and not even a bite Pat says “let’s move the boat”, so they move it further down the lake. Another hour passes and still no bites so they decide to move it across the other side of the lake. Within seconds the fish are taking everything. They finally take the boat back having had a great day.
Pat says to Mick” we’ll never find that spot tomorrow”.
That’s OK says Mick “I put a cross in the bottom of the boat”.
“You idiot” says Pat, “we may not get the same boat!”

[TimiBoy]

Children write about the Sea

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James, age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne , age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie, age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an ass hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William ,age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen, age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

My Mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren, age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma, age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie, age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

One holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie, age 7)

[Lancair]

Carlos the ice-cream man’s van is parked at the side of the road.

Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street.

But no sign of Carlos.


A copper walking down the road wonders what is going on. Where is Carlos?

Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?

He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter.

On the floor he spots Carlos, lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.



"Get back kids" he shouts.


Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the station.

"Sarge get someone down here quick" he stutters

"Carlos the ice-cream man .........



He’s topped himself !"

[Lancair]

I was gutted to catch my wife cheating on me, but thankfully by turning to religion I have been able to over come my distress and deal with the situation.. she's agreed to convert with me, we have turned muslim, we are stoning the bitch in the morning.

[aussiebasser]

I have always been interested in the night sky so I decided to go buy a telescope. I did some research on the internet and found a store nearby that sells them. I went in looking to buy a Celestron model for $130 that was able to see the surface of the moon. The saleswoman that I dealt with must have been working on commission and immediately tried to upsell me. She told me I wouldn't be happy with that one and that I should spend $319 on the next model up so I could see Jupiter and the rings of Saturn. So I said to her, you're telling me the more I spend the more I'll see? She said, "Absolutley"
So I went over to another model that was $1092. I asked, "If I spend this much can I see Uranus?"

[Tezza@Tannum]

Paddy and Mick were waiting at the bus stop when atruck wentpast loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, "I'm gonna do dat whenIwin da lottery…"

"What's dat, den?" asks Mick.


"Send me lawn away to be cut."

[groverwa]

Here are the words from an audio email doing the rounds.

Most people have got a few plastic stacker chairs at their place. You know, the plastic ones that have the little splits in the seat. What you probably don’t realise is that when you sit on them, those splits open up, cos that’s happenin underneath ya bum and you don’t see, and when you stand up they close up again.

But they can be a bit tricky those chairs. And I’ve written this poem about a person who got into a bit of strife with a plastic stacker chair and I’ve called the poem ‘Entrapment’. And the expanded title is ‘The Terrifying But Tragically True Tale Of Trevor’s Trapped Testicle’.

Trevor’s on a mission, to Consumer Affairs,
Trying to get a total ban on plastic stacker chairs.
He reckons that they’re dangerous, a serious threat to life.
Cos it was through a plastic chair that he got into strife.

It was at the Tamworth Festival, a concert in the park,
Trev and Ken were there with gear to last them until dark.
An esky full of coldies, Trev was without a care,
Stubbies, thongs and T-shirt, on his plastic stacker chair.

But as he stretched his legs out, his left crown jewel rolled free,
And dropped straight through the chair seat, a real catastrophe.
But Trevor remained unaware of his dire situation,
Until they gave the singer a big standing ovation.

As Trevor came up to his feet he gave a fearsome yell,
Cos tethered to his testicle, the chair came up as well.
He grabbed the chair with both hands as they crashed back to the ground,
But the errant family jewel was firmly stuck, he quickly found.

He tried to extract the enclosed clod, but he began to curse,
Cos nothing he did seemed to work, it only made things worse.
Trev’s mate Ken was laughing, fit to go right off his brain,
Ken’s tears were from laughter but Trevor’s were from pain.

Ken produced a Stanley knife, and Trevor’s went dry,
He said, “I’ll only cut the chair,” but Trevor wouldn’t let him try.
Well, Ken climbed under and tried to poke things through,
It’s times like this you find out what ya mates will really do.

They pulled and poked and prodded, but all efforts were in vain,
Trevor’s nut was red and raw, and giving heaps of pain.
All this unwanted attention was no good you realise,
Trevor’s tortured testicle swelled up to twice it’s size.

Well, the word spread quickly through the park about the situation,
And people tried to get a glimpse of Trevor’s threatened castration.
Mums and Dads and kids and dogs, of every shape and age,
Trev got more attention then the singer on the stage.

Little kids were pointing, dogs were trying to have a smell,
and Trevor, trying to cover up, said, “Go to bloody hell*!”
“Poor bloke needs an icepack,” was the only good advice,
They sat Trev over his esky with his agate in the ice.

Someone called an ambulance, and they drove through the crowd,
Trev was drinking Bundy Rum and swearing very loud.
When they both stopped laughing, they carted Trev away,
To the hospital where he became the highlight of the day.

But Trevor’s near recovered, with both crown jewels in place,
Don’t offer him a plastic chair if you value your face.
But next year at the carnival, Trevor will be there,
Wearing tight undies, long trousers, on his canvas fold-out chair.;D;D

[finga]

Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong , Victoria , and bought a mule for $100.


The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."



Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."



The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."



They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."



The farmer asked, "What in the world youse gunna do with a dead mule?"



Dad said, "We're gunna raffle him off."


The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"



Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"


A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gunna do."

Dad said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Dad & Dave now work for the Gillard government.
They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan now

[Funchy]

A classic. Hope my upload works. Still getting used to the process ::)

[Lancair]

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer". The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says:
"I agree completely......
....and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler".

[Lancair]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed the chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed into a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake, you see; I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing up a blue streak at him. I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do?" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me To Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

[finga]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll
be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He
falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the
stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls
flat on his face,
'Shoite
Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door
and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes
a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He
takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes
a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and
falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned .... . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Chimo]

Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke
bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye,
ye can gae richt aheid."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the
bowl.

The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

[charleville]

My next door neighbour, a rather large woman, has just had a
pair of her knickers stolen from her clothes line.

She is not bothered about the knickers but would appreciate
the return of the twelve pegs please.



.

[Funchy]

http://www.videobash.com/video_show/fishing-bloopers-15166

[GABBA110360]

SPLINTERS - priceless!

A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie, WA ....
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in
her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an

environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story

with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he
could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,

and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from

a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his Green Party policies they turned me down!!"

[Lancair]

Man: Can I buy you a drink ?
Girl: Sure, why not?
Man: Hey you know, you remind me of my little toe !
Girl: "giggles" is that because Im small and cute ?
Man: No, its because Ill probably bang you on my coffee table later tonight !

[finga]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

[Scimitar raider]

Paddy finds Mick in his barn dancing naked," Mick what on earth are you doing?"
"Well" says Paddy "I went to the doc to talk about the marritral problems me and missus were having and he told me to do something sexy to a tractor!"

[finga]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
Noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
Wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
Many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
Doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
Went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
Said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
Instead of your collar.'

[finga]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him.

She says hello and he's rather taken back because he can't place
where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while
your friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[lucee81]

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.'

[lucee81]

Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.

[lucee81]

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'



'It's The Box Office.'

[Lancair]

A young man inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with him: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car..."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, his father said... "Son, you've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said... "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible, that Samson had long hair... John the Baptist had long hair... Moses had long hair… and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied... "Did you also notice, that they all walked everywhere they went?"

[charleville]

A bloke decides to build a brick fence in front of his house but isn't sure how many pallets of bricks he'll need. So he calls his neighbor, who recently built a similar-size brick fence.

"Steve," he says: "I'm building a fence the same size as yours. How many pallets of bricks did you get?"

"10," Steve answers.

So the guy buys 10 pallets and proceeds to build a beautiful fence. When he finishes, he's surprised to find he only used four of the pallets.

"Hey, Steve," he says over the fence: "I just finished building my fence, and I've got six pallets of bricks left over."

"Yep," says Steve: "So did I."

It pays to ask the right question.



.

[blackjew]

5 Passengers 4 Parachutes...





An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.





http://65.55.81.87/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=bc64b636-b7fa-11e0-a12e-00215ad9bcc2&attindex=0&cp=-1&attdepth=0&imgsrc=cid%3aimage001.jpg%4001CC4C57.1F489D20&shared=1&hm__login=robert_mckenzie_5&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.13.34.8&d=d3133&mf=0&hm__ts=Wed%2c%2027%20Jul%202011%2023%3a27%3a25%20G MT&st=robert_mckenzie_5&hm__ha=01_8b307d0412edabbdec831dd526114b61b1a78c0a 02917ff5e7c8be6fd2c7df54&oneredir=1

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.





http://65.55.81.87/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=bc64b636-b7fa-11e0-a12e-00215ad9bcc2&attindex=1&cp=-1&attdepth=1&imgsrc=cid%3aimage002.jpg%4001CC4C57.1F489D20&shared=1&hm__login=robert_mckenzie_5&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.13.34.8&d=d3133&mf=0&hm__ts=Wed%2c%2027%20Jul%202011%2023%3a27%3a25%20G MT&st=robert_mckenzie_5&hm__ha=01_eae7a19dde3611eb88a8ee359aa37a4325567349 d6210c3842f97d79c86c9cb9&oneredir=1
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.



http://65.55.81.87/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=bc64b636-b7fa-11e0-a12e-00215ad9bcc2&attindex=2&cp=-1&attdepth=2&imgsrc=cid%3aimage003.jpg%4001CC4C57.1F489D20&shared=1&hm__login=robert_mckenzie_5&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.13.34.8&d=d3133&mf=0&hm__ts=Wed%2c%2027%20Jul%202011%2023%3a27%3a25%20G MT&st=robert_mckenzie_5&hm__ha=01_4ee8527d498007bb392070f273b7efb46970e8ed e529108135f0787f03303f13&oneredir=1
The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, "I'm the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped




http://65.55.81.87/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=bc64b636-b7fa-11e0-a12e-00215ad9bcc2&attindex=3&cp=-1&attdepth=3&imgsrc=cid%3aimage004.jpg%4001CC4C57.1F489D20&shared=1&hm__login=robert_mckenzie_5&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.13.34.8&d=d3133&mf=0&hm__ts=Wed%2c%2027%20Jul%202011%2023%3a27%3a25%20G MT&st=robert_mckenzie_5&hm__ha=01_ca935f23085b57f2707bd3906e9a9ef58f66b4e3 787fff28306aeee029fc3400&oneredir=1
The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."


http://65.55.81.87/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=bc64b636-b7fa-11e0-a12e-00215ad9bcc2&attindex=4&cp=-1&attdepth=4&imgsrc=cid%3aimage005.jpg%4001CC4C57.1F489D20&shared=1&hm__login=robert_mckenzie_5&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.13.34.8&d=d3133&mf=0&hm__ts=Wed%2c%2027%20Jul%202011%2023%3a27%3a25%20G MT&st=robert_mckenzie_5&hm__ha=01_cab0e0a2b42237842e7a86a6ea93183d490c2d07 7eaff9a621ef75d404d5f71d&oneredir=1
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Howard. There's a parachute left for you. Australias smartest woman took my schoolbag!

[blackjew]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgFhJN4H0T0

[blackjew]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDV7cev5i6U

[littlejim]

I don't use twitter but there are a few wags on it apparently.

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/jetobler/lincoln.jpg

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/jetobler/helenkeller.jpg

[groverwa]

John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]
John: Morning! Looking for a new car?
Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.
John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?
Bryan: You know....... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.
John: You mean like a Howard?
Bryan: Yeah....a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.
John: So.... you used to have one?
Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model – don’t know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I’ve ever made…
John: What happened?
Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.
John: Big mistake…
Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.
John: How was the Kevin 07?
Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate – that was good.
John: Anything else?
Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.
John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?
Bryan: Nah – had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.
John: What was the problem?
Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.
John: Whatcha got now?
Bryan: It’s a Gillard-Brown.
John: The hybrid?
Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system – not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse…
John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason – that’s the one?
Bryan: The Fustercluck model.
John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery – but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?
Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.
John: So that’s why you’re here?
Bryan: That’s right. I’m stuck with a car that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?
John: Join the queue brother.

[Funchy]

Julia Gillard was out walking one morning along the path in Western Park when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Molongo River below.

Before the Federal Police guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World' Julia said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on in my Royal Australia Air Force plane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.' Julia said,
'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.'

Julia was a little perplexed by this and said, 'but you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.'

[groverwa]

Are you thinking of buying a boat? Not sure if it's a good and strong boat? Wonder how strong the hull is?



Well have no fear. Now there is the Bubba Test for boats. Some would call this a "Redneck" test.



click here: Tough boats (mhtml:{C2AB7EDC-E068-403A-B29A-0D06869C2B59}mid://00000004/!x-usc:http://www.toughboats.com/video.cfm?fullscreen=1&filename=Toughboats_BubbaCRevLegal)fis ;D:'(::)

[Lancair]

A farmer had a problem with rats in his barn so sent for the local rat catcher who duly arrived in a chauffer driven Rolls Royce.
"Business must be good" said the farmer; "Never better" was the answer. "This'll cost you 50p a rat" he said as he started setting up traps.
The rat-catcher came back several times to empty the traps and after several days the traps remained empty as all the rats had been caught.
"One hundred and twenty caught. That'll be £60," the rat catcher said. "Cheap at half the price" said the farmer, "But how can you afford a Rolls at those prices? "
"Simple" said the catcher. "We recycle the rats. The skins go to China for 15p. each and they make them into imitation fur coats. The bones go to a fertilizer company which grinds them down for bone meal - another 10p. The meaty bits go to a dog-food factory for processing and brings in another 10p which just leaves the crap and I sell that to a company making screwdriver handles for a quid a pound."
"Screwdrivers?" asked the farmer.
"Of course" said the catcher, "Have you never seen a ratshit handled screwdriver?"'

[wayno60]

.YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A DOG PERSON TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY. I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the kerb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, Now you stay. Do you hear me?Stay! Stay!The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,Why don't you just put the handbrake on'

[groverwa]

THE DOCTOR TOLD ME:



"YOU CAN HAVE JUST ONE CAN of BEER A WEEK!"




SO I ORDERED ONE!;D;D;D

[groverwa]

One New Zealander says to another: "hey bro, what's a Hindu?



"The second New Zealander replies: "lays eggs bro";D:-X

[groverwa]

Did you here about the wood cutters daughters?
You could here her ring bark for miles.

She was only a cabinetmaker's daughter....
but she'd let the apprentice router

She was only the woodcutter's daughter,
but she gave them all circular sores.

she mitre
and she mitre knot
but she always gave a rebate!

She did so much routing
that her collet became loose

She was only a carpenters daughter,
But definitely a brazen bit.

she was only the woodcutter's daughter
but she didn't mind if they put finger joints in.

She was only the woodcutter's daughter
but she had lots of vices.

She was only the woodcutter's daughter
but she knew what to do with a big wooden knob.

She was only the woodcutter's daughter
but she could appreciate a long, strong tongue.

She was only the woodcutter's daughter,
but the apprentices got excited when
she got a-shaving between her legs.

She was only a woodcutters daughter,
And it was plane that she wasn't rude,
Cause at the tender age of 20,
She hadn't been routered or screwed.

She was only a woodcutters daughter,
But she married and soon had a son.
Her hubbies name was Winchester,
And her son.... He's a son of a gun.

She was only a woodcutter's daughter
to most she was really just plane
but her boyfriend thought differently
as he taught her to rout without strain

she was only a mechanics daugher
but she sure made your nuts tighten

She was only a woodcutter's daughter
and she didnt mind if you Trititon. ;D:-X:D

[Floating Rib]

Giving Up Wine



I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive..'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take

you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Lancair]

The riots are kicking off in Dublin now, Paddy just smashed his computer screen trying to rob ebay.

[sandman55]

Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH.. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TOTHE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!

[sandman55]

THE DEER HUNTER AND THE DENTIST...

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go
deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time
for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,
and be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty
minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a
very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.

[Lancair]

Monday morning in Hell, knock on the door, demon opens it, worried and scared-looking bloke standing there.

"Come in, come in" says the demon, "plenty of room in here ! Now firstly, just to make sure you're in the right place. Did you sin a lot when you were alive ?"

"Yes, well I suppose I did" says the guy.

"Well, no need to look so scared" says the demon, " you'll find we have things aranged much to your taste in here" and closes and locks the door.

"Now, did you smoke when you were alive ?"

"Yes" says the guy, "about 4 packs a day."

"Splendid !" says the demon, "today, Monday is our smoking day. Cigarettes, Cigars, Pipes, Hookahs - you name it. As much as you want, every variety of tobacco - all free."

"And did you drink a lot ?"

The answer is yes.

"Well, you'll like Tuesdays - beer, wine, spirits, everything ! You can drink to your heart's content, and even more so."

"And what about drugs ?"

The guy admits he did drugs.

"Wonderful !" says the demon, "Wednesdays we have it all - coke, crystal, meths, pot, uppers, downers - everything that mankind ever devised, and a few he didn't. Pills, injectables, smokeables, all on the house. You'll enjoy them all - in fact we insist on it."

"And what about gambling ?"

"Well, I liked a game of cards" says the guy.

"Thought you might" says the demon, "Thursdays is our gambling Day. Poker, Craps, Whist, every card game there is. Goes on all day, which will seem like Eternity, perhaps because it is."

"And I suppose you are homosexual ?" asks the demon.

"Certainly not !" answers the guy in an insulted manner.

"Oh dear" says the demon, "something tells me you're not going to enjoy Fridays....... "

[groverwa]

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational

..... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge and the
whole place will be full of bloody @ankers.;D;D:o

[groverwa]

The Pastor's New Dentures.



The New Dentures

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The
Congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't shut up:-X:-X;D

[finga]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it any more?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'




'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said




'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right You are!

Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,

I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.





She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the neck and the GIBLETS

[STUIE63]

Subject: Fwd: Julia Joke




In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our image and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'M IN IT TO WIN IT".
Wayne agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Julia's hand in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Julia . "Amen", said Wayne.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I'd like to do the same."

[sandman55]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly

.One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old manhas Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old mansurely has ZovitzkiSyndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart.......................
But I was wrong, too!"

[mowerman]

Remember this should you ever have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!



This is really good to know!



MEDICAL RESEARCH



Australian Medical Association researchers have found



that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit



from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.



It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....


Just thought you'd like to know that.

[groverwa]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?':o;D:-X

[wayno60]

OMG!....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

[SCOTTYGC]

Peter Garrett (ex lead singer of Midnight Oil, now a Minister in the Labour Government of Australia)
PETER GARRETT IS DEFINITELY A COUPLE OF CANS SHORT OF A SLAB!
The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again.
Therefore the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep Farmers Association.
All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem, 'those dingo's ain't f!@#*ing (f!@#*ing) sheep, they're eatin' 'em.'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the NSW Forestry Service, the Greens and the other "tree huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".

[jez and suze]

Q. what is E.T short for?


A. because he has little legs.

[jez and suze]

Q. what do you get if you cross an agnostic, dyslexic, Insomniac?


A. someone who lays in bed all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[jez and suze]

Q. what is yellow and eats meat?



A. Syphilis.

[Back In Black]

Not a joke, just a funny incident that happened a few years ago. A supplier took my wife Juna & I out for dinner in Brisbane. There was a very cute waitress whom our supplier took a real shining to. He drank way too much, & in his inebriated state tried chatting her up. He asked what she did through the day, & she replied she was studying pharmacology. He quickly replied, obviously very chuffed with himself he knew what what it was, & said, so, you are studying to be a farmer!
Nearly pissed myself laughing, & still do every time I think about it.
Tony

[sparkyice]

i got fired from my job.
at the company picnic, i asked the boss if i could date his daughter.
i don't know if he canned me because i was drunk, if he just never liked me, or because his daughter is only 11.

[finga]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[BenDover]

This will make you laugh...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJjfo6xcftg&feature=related

[charleville]

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid &^#& . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'


;D;D;D



.

[charleville]

A man ask's his wife. "What would you do if i won lotto?"

She answers, "I'd probably take half and leave you."

He say's, "Good! I just won 6 bucks, here's 3 now bugger off."


;D


.

[charleville]

Go to Google Maps

Click on "Get Directions"

Type China as your starting point

Type Taiwan as your destination.

Get directions.

Read step 56

( Bugga.........We could not calculate directions between China and Taiwan. that is what I got ? )


;D;D;D


.

[finga]

Step 56 is a beauty.
It's good to see people with a sense of humour in this world of doom and gloom.
Thanks Charlie :)

[Marlin_Mike]

$hyte, who sits there and does that stuff and reads ALL the directions? Someone needs to go fishing more. :):):)

Mike

[STUIE63]

Go to Google Maps

Click on "Get Directions"

Type China as your starting point

Type Taiwan as your destination.

Get directions.

Read step 56


;D;D;D


.

try going from california to Japan read numbers 23 and 24

[charleville]

I grew up with Greek neighbours who were my good friends so my apologies go to all of my Greek mates for this one, which is clearly politically incorrect and I should be ashamed of myself for sharing it ...


Why do Greeks wear gold chains around their necks??



So they know where to stop shaving.




;D;D;D



.

[littlejim]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

[lucee81]

Gota love the Darwin awards... Not sure if htese have been posted..

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual
honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:


7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.


5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby."The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was Major trauma.

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly Management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER IS...

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the proshop, and was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
threesome was asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he can not reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it

[lucee81]

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalisation.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement.
“Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

Is everybody clear on that?

[lucee81]

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies
"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies
"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!
"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.
"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede

[lucee81]

There are Six Truths in Life






1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling
at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your
neck .













2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.












3. And discover #1 is a lie.










4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.







5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.










6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .

25Vote (http://javascript<b></b>: addStar(634895);)

[Lancair]

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up.

[GABBA110360]

The Lecture


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

[Lancair]

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'

The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?'

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!'
http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/statusicon/user_online.gif http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/buttons/report.gif (http://www.pprune.org/report.php?p=6709449)

[Lancair]

When my Doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake, barely escaped from a dingo in the heavy bush, marched along a treacherous trail up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of lantanna , crawled out of quicksand, and barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive brown snake."

Inspired by my story, the Doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a sh***y golfer."

[wayno60]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER: Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! —— Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem!

[Lancair]

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then when my whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot #######?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge . . . ."



Traffic Ticket - $195.00

Court Costs - $450.00

The look on that cops face as she delivered that final line, PRICELESS !!

[Chimo]

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION THEY HAVE IN THE US CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'

[Lancair]

A black traffic cop pulled a western QLD farmer over for speeding.
The farmer pleaded that he wasn't much over the speed limit.
But the cop continued to slowly write out the ticket...
He brushed a fly off his face.
The farmer said, "That sirkelgogga bothering you?"
The cop said, "What's a sirkelgogga?"
The farmer said, "That fly - they circle a horse's arse and we call them
sirkelgoggas."
The cop stopped writing, looked at the farmer, and said, "Are you saying
that I'm a horse's ass?"
The farmer said, "Never! I have a great respect for officers of the law.
I would never think such a thing of one of you blokes"
The cop carried on writing.
After a while the farmer said, "But you can't fool them flies you know"

[finga]

While we're in the bush....another.


A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Lancair]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:
'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian Rugby Team 2011.'

[Lancair]

Not a joke as such but still funny.

http://youtu.be/RS3iB47nQ6E

[MackerelMan]

An oldie but a goldie;

A large Cattle Station in the Gulf was short staff and had a big muster coming up.
When the Head Stockman could not get any more men, he thought of the old hermit who lived down on the river.
In desperation the Head Stockman goes down to the hermit and explains the situtation.
We are real short on help and really need a hand, dont suppose you are a horse shoer the Head Stockman asks,
The old hermit thinks for a while and says, horse shoer hey, no I'm not a horse shoer but I did tell a donkey to f-ck off once!

[Platitudinus]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black d**ks, but the one in the middle had a pink d**k.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpretingthe painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchalsociety. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink d**k also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gaymen in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery’, asked the couple?

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact,there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[Lancair]

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are in a bar........... The Welshman is still in New Zealand.

[Oh Gee]

Q. Whats the differance between Ignorance and Apathy?



A. Don't know, Don't care

[TimiBoy]

Substitute J Gillard, you get the idea...

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president of the United States of America." Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check." Cashier: "Look, sir, here's what we can do. One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his sand wedge and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the President of the United States?" Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I haven't got a clue." Cashier: "Good enough, sir, Would you like large or small bills?

[Lancair]

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts

[Lancair]

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...

[charleville]

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job.

The sales assistant remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”



.

[TimiBoy]

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses


This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:


I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government
underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago.


At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office.


However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers


In full dress uniform with rifles,


fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.


It was then that I realized how far Australia's military had deteriorated..
Every one of them missed the bitch.

[groverwa]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.



The Doctor asks:


"What's the problem?





The woman says:


"Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home, he threatens to slap me around."





The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that.


When your husband comes home, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.


Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."





Two weeks later the woman returns to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.


The woman says:


"Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home, I swished with water.


I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"





The Doctor says:


"The water does nothing…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.";D:-X

[charleville]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag.


;D;D;D

.

[Back In Black]

Mummy, how tall are you? asks the 5 year old. "Mummies busy, go outside & play" relies Mummy. 10 minutes later,"Mummy, how old are you?" You never ask a lady her age, retorts the mother. The 10 year old says to her sister, "I know where you can find out" "Where?" asks the little girl. "On mummies licence in her bag"
The little girl goes & looks at her mothers licence & says to her Mum, "Mummy, I think you are 180cm tall" "Absolutely right" says the mother. "Mummy, you are 33 years old" says the girl. "You are right again" "And Mummy, I know why Daddy left you" says the child. The mother asks nervously "Why?" Its because you got an F for sex!

[Lancair]

Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - its the bus gairrige'. Shuggy hus a brainwave an says tae Chic, ' Get in ther an steal a bus so we can drive hame an Ah'll stay oot here an keep a look oot fur the polis'.

So Chic breaks intae the gairrige an is awey fur twinty minnites or mair while Shuggy is wunderin whit the hell hes up tae.

Then Shuggy sticks his heid aroon the door an sees Chic runnin aroon fae bus tae bus lookin right wurrit. 'Whit the hell ur ye up tae Chic, get a move oan!', tae which Chic replies, 'Ah canny find a nummer 7 onywhere Shuggy'.

Shuggy hauds his heid in his hauns in disbelief an shouts, ' Ye daft eejit Chic. Steal a nummer 9 an we'll get aff at the roondaboot an walk the rest'
http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/statusicon/user_offline.gif http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/buttons/report.gif (http://www.pprune.org/report.php?p=6790921)

[Lancair]

Two Pakistani men emigrate to Scotland and agree to meet two years later to see who has become the most Scottish.

Two years pass. They meet and the first one says, "I have a Scotland football jersey, I drink Scotch whisky and eat haggis every week. I've joined a pipe band, I own a Scottie dog, I wear a kilt everywhere, I salmon fish and I play golf. That's how Scottish I am. How Scottish have you become?"

The second one replies, "Ach! Away tae **** ya Pakistani ******!"

[Lancair]

A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home to meet his parents for the first time.

Introducing his girlfriend he says "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says "It's a f@&@!ng what."

[dstrans]

An Aussie,Chinese,Irish & American are having an argument of who has the the best national icon.
The Chinese said we have the great wall of China, the Irish said we have the green green grass, the American said we have the American flag!
So the Aussie said we have the kangaroo! We can jump over the great wall of China,shit on the green green grass and wipe our ass with the American flag

[groverwa]

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

[STUIE63]

Maori Fire Department


One dark night in the township of Kaitaia, New Zealand, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire companies could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Taneatua Maori rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fire chief, "The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that truck.

[champion]

Sailing to Italy



A young Brisbane woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.

I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."




"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Stradbroke Island Ferry ."

[kevathome]

LUV this thread,made me laugh when I couldn't get out fishing.

[Lancair]

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefitsof having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products
that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!


2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:


1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

[finga]

At a wedding party recently someone yelled,

"All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."



The bartender was crushed to death

[wayno60]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[lucee81]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her

Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it

as a
mirror while he picked his nose.


10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! '

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

[Marlin_Mike]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,


" Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out,



But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[littlejim]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 18 hour day, does 95% of the work, earns less than £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[akman1]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all dranktogedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine !

Tis me, ...................... I've
Quit Drinking !"

[Lucky_Phill]

Three good old country boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The cowboy from Mudgee fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The logger from Gunnedah reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old Narrabri farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Cocky replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[Oh Gee]

A young Irish lad takes his new girlfriend to meet his father for the first time. They get inside the front door and the father askes "And who's dis sweet young ting wit you? The lad says "Dis is Amanda". The old blokes face reddens and he growls back "It's a fooken what!"

[wayno60]

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People -- Why?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another Petrol station lavvie because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $2500.

Morning suit hire-$125.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $4.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Greaser and Stinker

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £38.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,

secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing forever!

[wayno60]

74371

yep thats the way i would have spelt it.

[wayno60]

Was sitting outside a mcdonalds playground today. A women walks up and asks which one is yours? I looked at her and said "not sure i haven't picked one yet "

[finga]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner, for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit. The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?" The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?" "Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?"
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a darn thing!"

[groverwa]

Monastic Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.








He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.






The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery




where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a lockedvault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours goby and nobody sees the Old Abbot.



So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.










"We missed the




R!"

"We missed the




R!"






"We missed the R!"




His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.









The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"








With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,






"The word was...













CELEBRATE!"

[finga]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher... I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.....

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 euros a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 euros a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[nigelr]

There are three 'dolls' in a man's life -
His daughter, baby doll
His girlfriend, barbie doll
and his wife, panadoll.............

[tunaticer]

A south texan woodpecker decided to visit some of his kinfolks. He flew up
to Abilene and was chewing the fat with his cousins. You know the best
wood to peck, the best grubs to eat, etc. One of the cousins said we
have a tree that will tax your beak. So they went to the tree and after
5 attempts he made a hole. All the peckers were amazed because they had
not been able to dent it! The next morning he flew on north, this time
stopping at Amarillo. some more of the same conversations and then the
challenge to peck a hole in their hardest tree. 4 pecks and he had
it! He left another group of amazed kinfolks. The next stop he made
was in Nebraska. The story was the same except it only took 3 pecks
to drill the tree that none of the locals could dent!~ So off he flew
to Wisconsin Had another same old same old but their tree only held
out for two pecks . He left amazement in His wake again. On to North
Dakota! His visit there was also a success! his kinfolks took him to
their ironwood tree and he zipped through it like a hot tongued teenager
through ice cream! And so it was time to return home to South Texas.
He got back safe and sound. He was bragging about how he put all his
northern cousins to shame by drilling their tough trees so easily. A
nephew said well uncle let's see what you can do with our old mesquite
in back. So he flew up to it, got a firm grip and gave it all he
had.......nothing....nada.....no penetration at all! he tried again and
again he couldn't make a dent in it. He worked at it from dawn to dusk
and still had no luck!
All of which proves the moral to this story. .......
THE FURTHER AWAY FROM HOME YOU ARE THE HARDER YOUR PECKER GETS!!!!!!

[tunaticer]

Women's Liberation Conference
The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last
year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington,
that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it
himself!
"After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day,I saw
nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful
roast lamb." The crowd cheered.
The second speaker, from Russia, stood up and said. "After last
years' conference I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no
longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After
the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothning but
on the third day I saw that he had done not only his washing but my
washing as well." The crowd again cheered.
The third speaker, a Cajun lady from Thibodaux, Lousiana, stood up
and said,
"Afta last years' conference, went rat home and tole dat lazy Coonass
husband ' o mine, Boudreaux, dat I wasdn't gonna do no mo's his cookin',
cleanin' or shoppin' and dat he wuz gonna have do it all fer hissef."
The crowd got to their feet and roared approval. When it became quiet
again she contintued. "And I tole'em I wasn't gonna be doin' no mo
cleanin' 'em nasty crawfeesh, giggin' no mo boolfrogs and water daugs,
skinn' none 'a dem mustrats and nutrias or chek-ck'n no mo catfeesh
trotlines." The crowd went wild - the cheering and clapping lasted for
at least five minutes. When it again became calm, she continued "Afta
the fust day, didn't saw nutin'. Afta the second day, I didn't saw
nuttin' too. But afta the thud day, I could saw a little bit outta my
left eye."

[tunaticer]

I went fishing the other day. I caught a nice one. but I didn't keep it. But I did take a picture of it. I sent the film in to be developed and the negative weighed 90 pounds!!!!!

[tunaticer]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd gradershould know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'



Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!



Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'



Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'



Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'



The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'



Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'



Harry: 'Firetruck'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

[groverwa]

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

















Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguinson the ice in Antarctica where do they go?


Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committedto its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:





"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."



Then, they kick him in the ice hole.




You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool
OLDpeople.




I am sorry, the devilmade me do it!!!;D

[groverwa]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.


Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."



The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"



The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."



The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?" ::);D

[groverwa]

For a bit of a giggle but with a couple of swear words have a look at http://www.ihateryanair.org/ryanair-service-so-bad-even-hitler-wont-fly-them/ Hitler is having a rant about Ryan Air;D;D;D:-X

[Raesen]

Marriage Counseling

After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

[Kero]

A circus owner runs an adfor a lion tamer and two people show up.
>
> One is a retired Golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
> gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
>
> The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
>
> This is one ferocious lion.
>
> He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
>
> Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.
>
> Who wants to try out first?"
>
> The girl says, "I'll go first."
>
> She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right
> into the lion's cage.
>
> The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
>
> About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her
> beautiful naked body.
>
> The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her
> and starts licking her feet and ankles.
>
> He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several
> minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
>
> The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
>
> He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
>
> He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you topthat?"
>
> The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion
> out of there."

[BobbyJ123]

I got to thinking today,


Socrates was poisoned,


Julius Caesar was stabbed,


Napoleon died in exile,


Abraham Lincoln was shot,


Gandhi was shot,

Kevin Rudd was Gillardteened.

[Gon Fishun]

After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

[Chimo]

Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:


Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.


'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'


'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.


'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."


She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'


Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Queenslanders are good at that sensitive stuff.

[Chimo]

Wedding Night


Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.


He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay."
The doctor told him" "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.†He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.


Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth
That night in the motel, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."


Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ....still in DA CRATE!"

[Lucky_Phill]

> >
> > . You know you're Australian when:
> >
> > You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn.
> >
> > You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for
> > something illegal such as watering the garden.
> >
> > You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs'
> > refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
> >
> > You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
> >
> > You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
> >
> > You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to
> > Maccas'.
> >
> > You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly
> > despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
> >
> > You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
> >
> > You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
> >
> > You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as
>
> > big as its $2 coin.
> >
> > You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy
> > Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
> >
> > You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread -
> > you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
> >
> > You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up,
>
> > at which point they again become Kiwis.
> >
> > Beetroot with your Hamburger... of course!
> >
> > You wear ugg boots outside the house.
> >
> > You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an
> > Australian but then sold off for a pittance.
> >
> > You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like
> > them. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order
> > takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
> >
> > You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always
>
> > polite.
> >
> > You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
> >
> > You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and
>
> > a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
> >
> > Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach
>
> > cricket.
> >
> > You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call
> > 'Anzac Cookies'.
> >
> > You still think of Kylie as 'that girl from Neighbours'.
> >
> > When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to
>
> > offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
> >
> > You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o":
> > arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko,
> > speedo, righto, goodo etc...
> >
> > You know that there is a universal place called 'woop woop' located in the
>
> > middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are!
> >
> > You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes
> > like piss.
> >
> > You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume.
> >
> > You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean
> > "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it then you really mean it.
> >
> > You know that the barbecue is a political arena.
> >
> > You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
> >
> > You understand what no wucking furries means. You've drank your
> > tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
> >
> > You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
> >
> > And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and
> > overseas, realising that only they will understand.

[wags on the water]

NEW WORDS AND PHRASES FOR 2012
BROFESSIONAL: Your perpetually single friend who is always available for a night of debauchery with otherwise married, stay-at-home types.
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around while talking bollocks.
CARNIVOYEUR: A vegetarian (or vegan) who digs watching others chomp on cooked flesh.
SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
FREDDY COUGAR: A scary, middle-aged (or older) woman who mistakenly thinks she's more desirable than she actually is.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
FREEBOOBING: The act of wearing a tight blouse sans bra. Think of it as the female equivalent of a man's freeballing.
INEPTOCRACY: A government or state ruled by people who are incompetent.
MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra. IE. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.
KARDASHIANED: Coined following the 72 day marriage of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, it means the act of being blindsided following an ill-advised wedding.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
RECYCLEOPATH: Person who is militant when it comes to recycling and goes apeshit when you accidentally forget to separate one lousy plastic water bottle from a bag of trash.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
TEBOWING: Idiotic move of getting down on one knee in order to 'speak' to some imaginary 'friend'. Primarily used by egotistical athletes who think deities give a crap about some pass or play.
SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
HUMBLEBRAG: An ostensibly humble comment that also demonstrates the person's wealth, fame, or importance.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake).
SITCOM'S: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.
BRIGHTSIZING: Corporate downsizing in which the brightest workers are let go.
AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just Made a BIG mistake.
GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

[Chimo]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/kPvciIdDZAE

[PADDLES]

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local biker's club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join the club .

The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly,whiskey when I'm shooting pool..

I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney.

At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool"


The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz...?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times...."

[finga]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
And came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked



over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.




+Politician: Baked Labor or Grilled Green $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the politicians?"



http://65.55.237.81/att/GetInline.aspx?messageid=c1a47fd9-44bf-11e1-b655-002264c15484&attindex=0&cp=-1&attdepth=0&imgsrc=cid%3a7B09E53D9D2C42E7B3CE9851CDD6CC55%40Da vidHP&blob=MHxpbWFnZTAwMS5naWZ8aW1hZ2UvZ2lm&hm__login=bigboofhead&hm__domain=hotmail.com&ip=10.15.138.8&d=d1036&mf=0&hm__ts=Sun%2c%2022%20Jan%202012%2008%3a43%3a30%20G MT&st=bigboofhead&hm__ha=01_5debc0ff29481acb9b723bbeb30c1e2696891138 a0617375d4177827ba9fc14b&oneredir=1




The cook replied,



"Have you ever tried to clean one?




They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."

[Oh Gee]

I just heard they have developed a powdered form of Viagra that you can put into your tea or coffee. It dosn't help with prowess in the bedroom but it stops your biscuits going soft.

[Oh Gee]

I was at the pub last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.

[sparkyice]

although this is not a joke, or particularly funny for that matter, it does have a certain irony to it.
i got it from wikipedia. remind you of anybody you know at work or in public office?

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

Personality disorders
[edit (http://www.ausfish.com.au/w/index.php?title=Workplace_bullying&action=edit&section=18)] Executives

In 2005, psychologists Belinda Board and Katarina Fritzon at the University of Surrey (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/University_of_Surrey), UK, interviewed and gave personality tests to high-level British executives and compared their profiles with those of criminal psychiatric patients at Broadmoor Hospital (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Broadmoor_Hospital) in the UK. They found that three out of eleven personality disorders (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Personality_disorders) were actually more common in executives than in the disturbed criminals, they were:

Histrionic personality disorder (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder): including superficial charm (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Superficial_charm), insincerity, egocentricity (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Egocentricity) and manipulation (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Psychological_manipulation)
Narcissistic personality disorder (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder): including grandiosity (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Grandiosity), self-focused lack of empathy (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Empathy) for others, exploitativeness (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Exploitative) and independence.
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_personality_disorder): including perfectionism (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Perfectionism_(psychology)), excessive devotion to work, rigidity, stubbornness and dictatorial tendencies.
They described these business people as successful psychopaths (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Psychopaths) and the criminals as unsuccessful psychopaths.[23] (http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/#cite_note-22)
According to leading leadership academic Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Manfred_F.R._Kets_de_Vries), it seems almost inevitable these days that there will be some personality disorders in a senior management team.[24] (http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/#cite_note-23)
[edit (http://www.ausfish.com.au/w/index.php?title=Workplace_bullying&action=edit&section=19)] Psychopathy

A workplace bully or abuser will often have issues with social functioning. These types of people often have psychopathic traits that are difficult to identify in the hiring and promotion process. These individuals often lack anger management (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Anger_management) skills and have a distorted sense of reality. Consequently, when confronted with the accusation of abuse, the abuser is not aware that any harm was done.[25] (http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/#cite_note-24)
Robert Hare (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Robert_Hare_(psychologist)) and Paul Babiak discuss psychopathy (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Psychopathy) and workplace bullying thus:[26] (http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/#cite_note-snakes-25)
"Bullies react aggressively in response to provocation or perceived insults or slights. It is unclear whether their acts of bullying give them pleasure or are just the most effective way they have learned to get what they want from others. Similar to manipulators, however, psychopathic bullies do not feel remorse (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Remorse), guilt (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Guilt) or empathy (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Empathy). They lack insight into their own behaviour, and seem unwilling or unable to moderate it, even when it is to their own advantage. Not being able to understand the harm they do to themselves (let alone their victims), psychopathic bullies are particularly dangerous.""Of course, not all bullies are psychopathic, though this may be of little concern to their victims. Bullies come in many psychological and physical sizes and shapes. In many cases, 'garden variety' bullies have deep seated psychological problems, including feelings of inferiority or inadequacy and difficulty in relating to others. Some may simply have learned at an early stage that their size, strength, or verbal talent was the only effective tool they had for social behaviour. Some of these individuals may be context-specific bullies, behaving badly at work but more or less normally in other contexts. But the psychopathic bully is what he is: a callous, vindictive, controlling individual with little or no empathy or concern for the rights and feelings of the victim, no matter what the context."[edit (http://www.ausfish.com.au/w/index.php?title=Workplace_bullying&action=edit&section=20)] Narcissism

Further information: Malignant narcissism (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Malignant_narcissism)
In 2007, researchers Catherine Mattice and Brian Spitzberg at San Diego State University (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/San_Diego_State_University), USA, also found that: "Narcissism (http://www.ausfish.com.au/wiki/Narcissism) revealed a small significant positive relationship with bullying and was found to be significantly related to indirect bullying tactics rather than direct tactics. Narcissism also revealed a strong relationship with overall bullying motivation and a moderate relationship with bullying satisfaction."[27] (http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/#cite_note-26)

//////////////////////////////////////

[netmaker]

this actually happened today. cracked me up. went on a gold coast fishing charter and after the skipper told us about where we were going etc was about to leave when one of the fellas said :"where are the jackets?" to which the skipper replied: "we dont provide jackets." lmao... i think he means life jackets mate. "oh, um, yeah, up front and life raft on roof".

[Chimo]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the

husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know.

In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?

"Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.

Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years,

but always for a good reason.

"Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said,

"I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'

" Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we

were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next

day he notified you that the loan would be extended?

"Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.

You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked,

"And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money

to pay for the heart surgery you needed?

Well I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry.

"And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that.

Now tell me about the third time."

"All right", Martha said.

"So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club,

and you needed 73 more votes?"

[Chimo]

2012 Ford

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real b*tch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

[Chimo]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

[Chimo]

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Chimo]

Ellisville Mississippi, April 12, 2011

An Ellisville school teacher called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

[Lancair]

Australia's recent ex Prime Minister, and perhaps soon-to-be-again Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and went into one of the classrooms. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin (the saviour of working families) if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So Kevin (the saviour of working families) asked the class for an example of a tragedy. A little boy stood up and said, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the paddock and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy". "No", said Kevin (the saviour of working families) "that would actually be a man-resultant accident rather than a tragedy in terms of the words you've used".

A little girl raises her hand,"If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy". I'm afraid not", explained Kevin (the saviour of working families) "that's what we would call a great loss, some would say a countless loss but as you've mentioned the number fifty, we can no longer say it is countless, but it is nevertheless nothing more than a great loss".

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin (the saviour of working families) scanned the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, young Jack raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, "If a plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to pieces, that would be a tragedy". "Fantastic", exclaimed Kevin (the saviour of working families). "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?". "Well" says Jack, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it wouldn't be an accident either!".


DISCLAIMER, The above is a joke an in no way intended to indicate any political allignment on my behalf. They're all going to do a bad job of it !

[Marlin_Mike]

Funny One

76793

[Lancair]

Pushing the Right Buttons

Welcome to the Psychiatrists' Telephone Hotline.
Please hold on and follow these instructions:

* If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

* If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.

* For advice on paranoia, we know who you are and what you really want - stay on the line so we can trace your call.

* If your problem is schizophrenia, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

* And if you are delusional, press hash immediately and stand away from the receiver before it bites your ear.

[Chimo]

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with royally large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .......







Moral of the story - Pay your f...kin' bills.

[Gon Fishun]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:


Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[littlejim]

(lifted from a UK forum)

After a busy day he settled downin his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester,when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:- "Hidarling, it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, withthe boss - no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross myheart" etc., etc.



This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite,driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back tobed!!"

[sparkyice]

this is an actual news story from near where i live, in pennsyvania, usa.
i can't condone his actions, but i do appreciate his sense of humour...


TOWANDA -- A Wysox man has been charged with disorderly conduct after he affixed a sex toy to a county-owned van, state police in Towanda said Tuesday.
Police said Cameron Scott Yates, 21, was performing court-ordered community service on Feb. 5 when he attached a sex toy to the front of a Bradford County Probation and Parole van.
The community service supervisor didn't know the sex toy was mounted on the front of the van, and drove it to the parking lot of Hurley's Grocery Store in North Towanda Township. Police said the sex toy's presence on the van at the parking lot was "physically offensive."


somehow i can picture the offending device riding proudly and joyfully down the road, reacting to the various railroad tracks and dips in the road with enthusiasm and vigour.

[Chimo]

77046 Not funny, damn good idea I reckon!::)

[lucee81]

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

[wayno60]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
...
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'There's your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase…

[gpz1991]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
...
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.


'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'There's your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase…




This I like

[wayno60]

The Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the North West coast of Australia.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boats were heading not away from, but towards Indonesia.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians who were all seniors of pension age.
...
Their claim was that they were trying to get to Indonesia so as to be able to return to Australia as illegal immigrants and

therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners.

The Navy it is believed gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey north.

We are booking the next boat out, let me know if you want to come too.

[Chimo]

It's so easy to explain. This makes it so plain and simple to understand!


I asked a friend's daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both her parents, Labor supporters, were standing there, so I asked her,
"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labor Party!"
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.

I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to
do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep
my drive and I'll pay you $25.

Then I'll take you over to the shop where the homeless guy sits outside.
You can give him the $25 to use toward food."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in
the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the
work and you can just pay him the 25?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me...........

Amazing the stuff that's in the emails these days!

[wayno60]

While in China, an American man is very se*ually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his ##### covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return i...n two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you; you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US; we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your #####.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his ##### and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my #####!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid Amelican docttah, awrways wan ampootate. Make more money dat way. No need ampootate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wai two week. Faw off by itself!”

[nathank]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
...
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'There's your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase…


Wayno... you have outdone yourself there mate ..love it :)

[Summy12]

I went fishing at Lenthalls Dam this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a brown snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait & knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back & he went limp. I released him into the dam without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was the brown snake.

With two more frogs.

[leeroy1]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an #######!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
with the word '#######' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an #######!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic '#######'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an #######!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for

I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first #######
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW #######, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an #######!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two #######s to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called ####### #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an #######!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'#######, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, #######,'
and hung up.

Then I called ####### #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, #######,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'

I answered,
'Well, #######, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .....
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..

I got there just in time to watch two #######s
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[wayno60]

its an oldie but a classic.......

[Black_Rat]

Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter, he's already following you.
Chuck Norris bit the Apple logo.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
...
Yoda used to be 6 feet tall till he tried that Force crap on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke... that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it

Everybody tries to be perfect... Perfection tries to be Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris can single handedly surround his victims.

When Chuck Norris looks at himself at a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the tv show 'Man vs Wild', but the network did not want kids thinking 'lava is safe to eat'.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies... As The Force.

Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

Only Chuck Norris can dislike on Facebook

The sheep on Chuck Norris' farm are the ones that give us steel wool.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang it doesn't dare come back

Chuck Norris does not fart, nothing escapes Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of surprise

Unstoppable force meeting an immovable object? Chuck Norris clapping.

Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.

Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can use Mxit on a pay phone.

Chuck Norris can insert a picture in a Notepad file.

[Donny Boy]

Just been to the gym.
They've got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick,
It's great though. Does absolutely everything I need -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

;D

[greenie61]

NEW STATISTICS FRESH OFF THE PRESS:





THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,


MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST


WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS





25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.








That's bloody scary.........











It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...!

[GES]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of
rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilized and
descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft
was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree
line that bordered the farm.

The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but
could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field
not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the
man's tractor.

"John " the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer
mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737,
the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia"?

"Yep.."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They all got killed straight out." the farmer
answered. "I buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Is Juliar Gillard dead?" the inspector asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"She kept saying she wasn't... But you know what a lying
bitch she is ...

[Gon Fishun]

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
The woman is lying on her side, with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side, facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada, says, "My answer is, that there IS no answer."

The second, from The United Kingdom, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer, with the information we were given."

The third one from Australia says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either:
Willie Turner, or, Willie Nailer."

The Australian got the job...

[wayno60]

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
Problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

[wayno60]

queenslanders never brag








A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland ..
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy
pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "Had him circumcised!"

[Lancair]

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her
new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night
they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After
the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock
on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his
leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris
is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to
further coupling which is again successful after which the
octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to
sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and
there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in
afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a
man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with
guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a
great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here
already?"

[charleville]

It just goes to show that you are never too old...


Tonight, I received a PM from a lady member of Ausfish saying that she wanted to have my children. :smitten:




So I gladly sent her their addresses.


;D;D;D



.

[Lancair]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing sex ever....


which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

[Chimo]

The Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.


Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?


Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:


"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

[Chimo]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He
put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.:(

[Lancair]

Dr Smith's Prescriptions

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr Smith about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme,
she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,
'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked,
'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr Smith’s?

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "

[Crunchy]

Two vertically challenged people (Actually they were dwarfs) were out on the piss and picked up. They took their chicks home but the first dwarf just couldn't get it up no matter how hard he tried and his chick left dissapointed. Meanwhile in the next room all he can hear is his mate getting it on big time with his chick. All night long he had to listen to "OK here I come again, 1,2,3 ohhharrhhh". Lucky bastard thought the first dwarf. Next morning the first dwarf says, "Its so embarassing I couldn't even get it up last night", the second dwarf says, "You call that embarrassing, I couldn't even get up onto the bed"

[Gon Fishun]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.


Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise That won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"


"It's swollen," Bob replied.


She ran out of the room.

[Chimo]

Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.

Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
Cowboy: Nah.... She ain't that ugly!

[wayno60]

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage
of the New Zealand government's "work for the dole scheme" and to hire
unemployed Maori youths.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent television
... documentary on how Maori youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in
less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's pit crew
can only do it in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars of high
tech gear. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari were
confident they would have a decided advantage over every other F1 team.

However Ferrari got more than they bargained for on Sunday when, during
the first pit stop the Maori crew changed all 4 tyres in under 6 seconds,
but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car over
to the McLaren team for ten cases of Lion Red beer, an HQ Holden and a
quick look at Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower.

[wayno60]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ...ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[mowerman]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
"We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
"He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labor ######## who knows bugger all about running the country.
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

.

[Chimo]

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope

and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,

"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.

"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,

put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.



The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Gon Fishun]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."

[groverwa]

While in China, an American man is very se*ually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his ##### covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return i...n two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you; you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US; we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your #####.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his ##### and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my #####!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid Amelican docttah, awrways wan ampootate. Make more money dat way. No need ampootate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wai two week. Fawl off by itself!”

[Lancair]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."



-----------------------------------------------


Wife by text, to husband at work

"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "Spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at all"!

[wayno60]

A man in Brisbane walked into the produce section of his local Coles's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As ...he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.

" Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

" Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

" Really?" replied the boy, " Who'd she play for?"

[Chimo]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.


'I'm sorry 'St Peter said 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first' said St Peter 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'
'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same)..
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'
And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.
'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy?''
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer ?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'



And the blonde entered Heaven...

And what's worse , you're now singing it to yourself ....

[lucee81]

Working people frequently ask retired people what the ydo to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and i said, 'come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an a--hole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn out tyres.
So Bev called him a s--t head. He finished the second ticket and put it under the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just hten our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. Its important at our age...

[akman1]

American Football and the Blonde

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[Gon Fishun]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.' ::);D;)

[lucee81]

The Barbershop







A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. ...
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.


The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!

[lucee81]

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy thai girl.
I thought to myself, "please dont get an erection. Please dont get an erection."


But she did..

[Gon Fishun]

11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . .

[akman1]

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR










One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.






First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'






'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.






'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'






She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.






'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

[Gon Fishun]

78571


HEHE. ;D::):2thumbsup:

[littlejim]

religeous joke:

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said:

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,




'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'

[charleville]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days"



;D;D;D

[Gon Fishun]

Irish Accident


Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... And after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.' :-?

[jason p]

http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/485739_424526354231455_171398626210897_1840437_186 7171104_n.jpg

[Lancair]

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest was asked to say a few words in the meanwhile. Not being prepared to speak then, he wondered for a minute and then decided to share his experience on the first day in the parish to highlight how one should not rush to conclusions.

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his neighbour. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'....

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late...

[Lancair]

The Romantic Dinner

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[Lancair]

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few...

There were two large women at the bar.

Hearing their strong accents, I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"







That's the last thing I remember...

[lucee81]

And thats how the fight started:






One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

[lucee81]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

[lucee81]

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

[lucee81]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

And that's when the fight started.....

[lucee81]

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

[littlejim]

they're all good Lucee!!

[SUPERDAFF]

Excellent - and even better as a series.