Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated [Archive] - Page 14 - Ausfish fishing Australia, Australian Angling Forums

Chimo

21-09-2010, 11:00 AM

The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk...

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say! "WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep!

Works Every Time!!!"

sparkyice

24-09-2010, 05:56 AM

channel 14 news was at the retirement home, interviewing the pensioniers on the secrets of their longevity.
the reporter, Sushimi Hondabishi, a lovely, pert, young thing, made her way about talking to the folks around the hall.
as she interviewed them, she got responses such as " well, i never drank or smoked", "i ate lots of fruits and veggies", "i went to bed early and woke at dawn", "i worked hard all my life, got plenty of exercise" , "iwent to church every sunday" ,"i volunteered at the youth center", etc. etc, all the normal healthy things we all should do.
then, she spotted a miserable wreck of a man in a dark corner, in his wheelchair, slumped over, with tubes in and out of every orifice of his body. his hair was long, grey streaked and greasy, he had but one or two teeth, his eyes all yellow and rhumey, his skin sallow and sunk in, his fingernails cracked and broken, his legs and arms wracked with arthritis and rhumitism, his breath was like kerosine and he reeked of tobacco and whiskey.
she asked him about his life.
"well, i started smoking cigars when i was 5, drinking whiskey when i was 4.
i started chasing girls when i was 7, and i caught a few too. that became a lifelong passion for me. i drank 2 quarts of whiskey a day since i turned 15, and 3 packs of cigarretes i smoked as well. i worked as a coal miner and was a bare knuckle street fighter in hong kong. i eat nothing but red meat. i never bathe, or brush my teeth. "
the old boy carried on for quite some time, and the young reporter blushed at the tales of his degenerate lifestyle.
finally, to end the interview, she asked him, "please tell me sir, how old are you?"
in his raspy voice, he replied..

"i'll be 34 next month."

4x4frog

27-09-2010, 08:00 AM

Hope this sin't a repost.

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's and 70's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
__________________

sparkyice

27-09-2010, 08:44 PM

KISS- i wanna rock and roll til 9, and recoup all the next day

sparkyice

27-09-2010, 08:47 PM

KISS- i wanna rock and roll till 9, and recoup all the next day

4x4frog

28-09-2010, 11:40 AM

KISS- i wanna rock and roll til 9, and recoup all the next day;D Very good. I tried to think of some songs but my mind just went blank.:'(

groverwa

29-09-2010, 05:45 AM

The scent of freshness:-

A new Aldi supermarket opened in Toowoomba, Australia recently.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cakes.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.:( ;D

groverwa

29-09-2010, 04:39 PM

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either:'( ;D

Chimo

30-09-2010, 10:11 AM

Have long been aware of the need to be politically sensitive........

Chimo

30-09-2010, 10:13 AM

An even more relevant issue esp with "party houses"

groverwa

30-09-2010, 06:30 PM

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he did not rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away the cocky swam,
He caught up with her somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ew was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath,
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away.
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eye in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly, "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far.
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks:
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks! :o :o ;D

sparkyice

30-09-2010, 08:47 PM

i want to catch a big bass.

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7132093/

i don't think she realizes he's serious.

charleville

01-10-2010, 08:25 AM

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I’m afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left."

"Oh, that’s terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

groverwa

01-10-2010, 04:31 PM

WARNING Don't phone Vet at night !!

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbour’s dog while they went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was 'in heat' and the neighbour’s dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sound from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together - mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the Vet, and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the Vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem.

The Vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."

"Oh," said the spinster ... "Do you think that will work?"

"Well," the Vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!!!" :'( :'( :'( ;D

groverwa

01-10-2010, 06:58 PM

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up threethousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

Chimo

04-10-2010, 08:41 PM

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."
"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
no longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

dreemon

07-10-2010, 04:32 PM

How to speak like a mexican ;

# 1, Cheese,
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentance, Pepito replies,
Maria likes me but cheese fat.

#2 * Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, theres not mushroom.

#3 * Shoulder*
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder

#4 *Texas*
My fren allways Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at.!

#5 *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza, I got my piece and she got Herpes.

#6 *July*
Ju told me ju were going to the store and july to me ! Julyer ! ! !

#7 * Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife bu chicken go by herself.

#8 * Rectum*
I had 2 cars but myy wife rectum

#9 * WHeelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

# 10 * Chicken wing*
My wife plays the lotery so chicken wing.

# 11 * Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with anouther woman and I told her, honey, harrassment nothing to me !.

# 12 * Bishop*
My wife fell down the stairs so I had to pick the Bishop.

# 13 * Body wash*
I want to go to the club but nobody wash my kids.

# 14 * Budweiser*
That woman over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly.

groverwa

08-10-2010, 12:27 AM

The Drunk

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

Her husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "Who would have thought anybody could celebrate that long.":D :D ;D

baithaven

08-10-2010, 07:30 AM

;d I Suppose This Is A Joke And A Philosophy..apologies If It Should'nt

Be Here.....

A Quote......."the Only True Wilderness Is Between A Greenies Ears!"

Cracks Me Up Anyhow...

charleville

08-10-2010, 05:37 PM

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

sandman55

08-10-2010, 10:02 PM

;d I Suppose This Is A Joke And A Philosophy..apologies If It Should'nt

Be Here.....

A Quote......."the Only True Wilderness Is Between A Greenies Ears!"

Cracks Me Up Anyhow...

And the only true wide open space is between the ears of the mad monk ;D

groverwa

09-10-2010, 08:32 AM

Request for bereavement leave

Dear all,

My mother-in-law’s life ended yesterday, in a tragic air accident.

I need to take a few days off

groverwa

09-10-2010, 07:00 PM

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.:o :o ;D

sleepygreg

09-10-2010, 08:24 PM

groverwa

10-10-2010, 05:37 AM

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father on his way home suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday. He spots a toy shop and goes in.

"How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?" he asks the sales person.

"Which one do you mean, Sir?" asked the salesperson.
"We have: Workout Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

"It's what?!" asked the amazed father. "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the other only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and says, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's Goolies.":o :'( :'(

sandman55

10-10-2010, 07:09 PM

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

littlejim

11-10-2010, 05:17 PM

A stark naked, drunken woman jumped into a vacant taxi at a London cab rank.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

“What's wrong with you Luv,haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”

“I'll not be staring at you lady. I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well, if your not bloody staring at me Luvvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"

The variation around, many years ago, attributed to Barry Humphries, was set in Sydney.

The total naked lady jumped in the back seat and asked the cab driver take her to Kings Cross.
Having his wits about him, he said "hang on how are you going to pay me?", looking in the rear mirror for the response.
The TNL opened her legs.
Cab driver: Geez! - haven't you got anything smaller?

Chimo

11-10-2010, 08:49 PM

Banned from Aldi

Yesterday I was at my local Aldi buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 28 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse, and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Aldi.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of dopey things to say.

finga

12-10-2010, 10:51 AM

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery' 'What's dat, says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut'.

snasman

13-10-2010, 12:02 PM

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one
afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most
beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"I won First Place!," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest
man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"I won First Place, too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest! Who is the
greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with
tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Julia Gillard?" asked Pinocchio.

SgBFish

13-10-2010, 12:36 PM

Gramma Still Drives --- Priceless

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. Shewrites:

Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

noluck

14-10-2010, 06:16 AM

Not Appropriate

uripper

14-10-2010, 07:20 PM

that's a bit 'close to the bone' isn't it ???

::) ::) ;D ;D

Gon Fishun

14-10-2010, 09:12 PM

Been thinking I might go up to the mines to work. NAH, might get shafted and to much overtime.:-?
And the missus said it's chile up there, but the upside is you can catch the tube to and from work.;D

Sea-Dog

14-10-2010, 10:56 PM

My missus calls alfalfa sprouts "Hippy Pubes"

groverwa

14-10-2010, 11:25 PM

RuralAustralian ComputerTerminology
A little bit of Aussie culcha
LOG ON: Adding wood to make thebarbie hotter
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A pub snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough ;D ;D ;D

sparkyice

15-10-2010, 09:02 PM

Not appropriate.

sparkyice

20-10-2010, 04:15 AM

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

charleville

20-10-2010, 07:21 AM

Did you ever know that I used to be a bank teller? That was a great job. I was bringing home $450 000 a week.

.

bustaonenut

20-10-2010, 04:46 PM

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
“God loves drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

groverwa

21-10-2010, 10:13 AM

While this is not an actual funny joke it is worth passing on.

Julie Andrews turned 69 and to commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie "The Sound Of Music."

Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things..

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

Humming along with it were you?? :D :D

groverwa

23-10-2010, 03:23 PM

Cannibal story

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Freshly Baked: Labor Party, Liberals/Nationals, Democrats or Greens : $150.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?”

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning.":D ;D

groverwa

23-10-2010, 06:51 PM

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

(please .... no fowl language!)::) ;D

groverwa

25-10-2010, 09:50 PM

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

\'/

\/

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...;D ;D

halcoholic

26-10-2010, 04:44 PM

julia gillard tony abott and bob brown are on a plane together bob says if i had a $1000 i would drop 50 twenty dollar notes and make 50 people happy tony says i could drop 100 ten dollar and make 100 people happy julia turns to them and says i could drop 200 five dollar notes and make 200 people happy the pilot turns to the co pilot and says i could drop all three of them out and make 20 million people happy

Chimo

28-10-2010, 06:28 AM

A married couple is traveling by car from Walton Ky. to Jacksonville Fl.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they are too tired to
continue and decide to take a room. But they only plan to sleep for
four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours
later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the
'standard rate'. The man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel
has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for
them to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband says.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

The Manager goes on to explain that the couple could also have taken
in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband says.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the husband replies,
"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gives up and agrees
to pay. As he didn't have the checkbook, he asks his wife to write the check.

She does and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this
is only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she
replies.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid!

Chooksy

28-10-2010, 10:06 PM

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you wan t to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!

Chooksy

28-10-2010, 10:07 PM

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Chooksy

28-10-2010, 10:08 PM

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's goolies.

Chooksy

28-10-2010, 10:11 PM

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in NSW when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a member of Kevin Rudd's Labour Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.

Chooksy

28-10-2010, 10:14 PM

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up:

@ PRISON

@ WORK
You spend most of your
time in a 10X10 cell

@ PRISON
You spend most of your
time in an 6X6 cubicle

@ WORK
You get three meals a
day, fully paid for

@ PRISON
You get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for it

@ WORK
For good behavior,
you get time off
For good behavior,
you get more work

@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks
all the doors for you

@ PRISON

@ WORK
You must carry a security card
and open all the doors yourself

@ WORK
You can watch TV
and play games

@ PRISON
You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games

@ WORK
You get your own toilet

@ PRISON
You have to share the toilet with
people who pee on the seat

@ WORK
They allow your family
and friends to visit

@ PRISON
You aren't even supposed to speak
to your family

@ WORK
All expenses are paid by the
taxpayers with no
work required

@ PRISON
You must pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners

@ WORK
You spend most of your life inside
bars wanting to get out
You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens

@ WORK
They're called 'managers'

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY
WRONG WITH THIS SCENARIO.

sparkyice

29-10-2010, 01:37 AM

i had been farting lustily all morning, thoroughly enjoying it, and in fact i was quite proud of myself.
and then, as i felt the pressure building, i let loose wth some vigour...and...oops! oh no!!

i fully intended to fart, but something unintened came out instead-
i had made a freudian sh!t !!

BobbyJ123

29-10-2010, 03:47 AM

Pommy Tourists Complaints...

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring
our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a water hole, who spotted
a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant
beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in
by staff, when in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the
back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and
strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined
as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street
trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were
startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took
the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'.. We're
trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The
food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests
before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the
room that we booked."

Cheers, Bobj.

NEWBY

29-10-2010, 09:37 AM

Why do they ask?

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75ish-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?

''There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting roomand say things like that.

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed theproblem further with the Doctor in private.

'The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer couldembarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he statedThe Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" she asked

The old man took a deep breath and said....

''I can't pi$$ out of it.'

Chimo

29-10-2010, 08:01 PM

'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

"By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service in China......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye, Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...

Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ...... and you do, don't you!

Chimo

29-10-2010, 08:03 PM

Parachute

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

Scott nthQld

29-10-2010, 08:28 PM

jim_bream

30-10-2010, 09:40 AM

What's the difference between moose and a fox?

About 2 schooners....

Lancair

30-10-2010, 02:54 PM

Only 2 schooners for you huh ! I think more like 4 or 5 difference between them.

littlejim

30-10-2010, 04:27 PM

Top quality one Chimo!!!!

Platitudinus

30-10-2010, 09:18 PM

Why do women live longer than their husbands..................?

Because they have never lived with a woman

Plato
Sad but true

sparkyice

02-11-2010, 01:49 AM

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible...

No, wait... I'm thinking of Whiskey. Never mind.

ttone

02-11-2010, 11:59 AM

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple is attending Mass.About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Peter4

02-11-2010, 12:16 PM

What's the difference between moose and a fox?

About 2 schooners....

Back in '85 it was:

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

About six beers....

Reads much better this way IMO;D

dreemon

03-11-2010, 05:37 AM

Now I get it , Thanks Peter

STUIE63

03-11-2010, 08:46 AM

I don't know if it is true but a good story none the less
Stuie

Neil Armstrong's Secret....

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE
Neil Armstrong

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA
, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY:

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY

Master Baiter

04-11-2010, 08:21 AM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?''

Watson: ''I see millions and millions of stars.''

Holmes: ''And what does that tell you?''

Watson: ''Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?''

Holmes: ''Somebody stole our tent.''

finga

04-11-2010, 11:10 AM

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his
Family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma ? '

'Oh yes, Granddad ' the girl replied, ' and do you know what ? We didn't see a single
@rsehole, blind b@stard, dip shit or w@nker anywhere we went today ! '

Noelm

05-11-2010, 08:45 AM

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ......Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

squidly

07-11-2010, 02:46 PM

A policeman came to my house the other day.
He said we found your mother in law in the river
and she had 2 large mud crabs latched onto her.
He then asked , what do you want me to do?
I replied, you can have one crab, ill have the other
and we will set her again tonight.

Xahn1960

07-11-2010, 10:57 PM

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both ofyour butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and beganpushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, $hit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time..
The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in twodifferent directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilets, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my a$$ is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the toilet, reacquired my partially filled cart intendingto carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster setoff a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Woolies. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

finga

08-11-2010, 06:10 PM

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

finga

09-11-2010, 07:13 AM

Something a little different. A poem if I may:

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he even shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away the cocky swam,
He caught up with her somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath,
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this farmer was on his own, his wife had gone away.
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eye in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly, "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far.
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks:
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

finga

10-11-2010, 10:27 AM

And for something totally different...and you don't have to read.
Just click on play and then on the watch on Youtube thingo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=il9Arcx4h2k

wamjam

10-11-2010, 11:22 PM

The young fella went to stay at grandma and grandads place for a few days in the country.
The next day the lad goes off to the cattle sale with pop , when they get home gran asks " how did you go today with poppy ??" ." Well..... we went to the sale and bought the f@*#&%s and then we loaded the f@*#&%s onto the truck and took the f@*#&%s to the paddock and unloaded the f@*#&%s . Then we came home grandma "!!." Oh deer!!....grandad wasn't speaking like that was he '???. No........ he was calling them effer's (heifers) but I no what he ment !!!!

Noelm

11-11-2010, 08:44 AM

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Bunnings customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Chooksy

11-11-2010, 04:05 PM

A farmer had 5 female pigs.
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they agreed to drive 30 miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the 30 miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Chooksy

11-11-2010, 04:07 PM

3 men were greeted by ST Peter at the Gates of Heaven.
He said "As you all need transport to get around Heaven, your transport will depend on how faithful you were to your wife"
The first guy said, "I've cheated on my wife 5 times."
St Peter said. You will get a second hand VW
The second guy said "I've cheated on my wife once."
St Peter said "You will get a convertible"
The third guys said "I;ve never cheater don my wife."
St Peter said "You will get a Mercedes benze."

So they all entered Heaven in their cars. A few hours later, the first two guys saw the third guy in the Mercedes benze crying by the side of the road. They said "Why are you crying" "You've got the Mercedes benze"

And the third guys said "I just saw my wife go past in roller skates."

finga

11-11-2010, 05:10 PM

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

charleville

11-11-2010, 06:28 PM

http://img.skitch.com/20101111-j4nda38x8m4uqdt9cyjg8guws5.preview.jpg (https://skitch.com/charleville2/d95pw/skitched-20101111-182702)Click for large view (https://skitch.com/charleville2/d95pw/skitched-20101111-182702) - Uploaded with Skitch (http://skitch.com)

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

Chimo

11-11-2010, 07:45 PM

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic.”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s ok. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”:-*

charleville

12-11-2010, 10:40 PM

A man went into his local shop and asked the sales assistant “Do you sell potato clocks”?

“Potato clocks sir? I’m not sure what you mean,” replied the sales assistant.

“Well” came the explanation

“I’m always late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock.

( You might have to think about that one. ) ;D ;D ;D

.

charleville

12-11-2010, 10:41 PM

This week, I was reading about the brave exploration party Columbus assembled in 1492, with all four ships sailing off into the unknown. You remember the names of his four ships: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria and the Clyde. You don't hear too much about the Clyde anymore, since that's the one that sailed over the edge.

;D

.

FNQCairns

13-11-2010, 06:06 PM

Letter to Men's Helpline:-

Hey Mate, I really need your advice for a serious problem:

I've suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.

The usual signs:

1. Phone rings, if I answer, the caller hangs up,
2. going out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night, about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?

;D;D;D;D;D:-X:-X:-X;D;D;D;D;D

sandman55

14-11-2010, 02:18 PM

OK guys I'm not a greeny but this is getting ridiculous we are going to have to stop cutting down trees.

http://i55.tinypic.com/2vwbknb.jpg

Kero

15-11-2010, 07:31 PM

The International Council of Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his
friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you
actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must
celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of
the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap
her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as
a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical
beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in
the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they
demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports
watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober
enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's
just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of
beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's
withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating,
both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken
monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail
each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the
difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed
below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife
with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying
somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and
beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to
say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws

4x4frog

18-11-2010, 07:06 PM

Great gag........sorry about the thumbnail, can't get full size pic to load.

Fixed it for you...... :)....Phill

http://i298.photobucket.com/albums/mm246/Lucky_Phill/historicalblunder.jpg

sparkyice

19-11-2010, 07:59 AM

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English..

Then I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

sparkyice

19-11-2010, 10:07 AM

Billy’s family was a very conservative, polite, church going old fashioned kind of family. Father ruled the home and brought home the bacon, and mother took good care of the household. Billy was very bright for his 9 years of age, and he attended a very good private school, which was excellent for learning but it didn’t give much exposure to the ways of the world. Billy led a somewhat sheltered life.

One summer day not long after school had let out for the summer, Billy was underfoot of his mother, and as she had become used to him being away at school all day was a bit frustrated with his antics. About then, she noticed the neighbors out back were remodeling their home, and she struck upon the notion of having Billy go on over to watch the workmen while she did some chores. She could see them quite well from her kitchen window, so she wasn’t too worried about him wandering off or anything.

She watched as he shyly approached the men, then she could see him introducing himself and shaking their hands- “what a polite little man!” she thought to herself.
She watched as he went around, picking up scraps of wood and bits of paper to dispose of. She watched as he paid very close attention to the man working on the new door, intently watching his every move. Soon, he was wearing a nail apron, and pounding nails into scraps of wood. She was very proud of her son.

At the end of the day, the men picked up and Billy came home, happy as a lark. His mother asked him if he had had a good time, what the men’s names were, what kind of tools they used and so forth, and finally she asked him if he had learned anything.

“Oh, yes mother!” he replied, “Mr. Brown showed me how to install a solid oak door. They’re really quite heavy, you know.”

“Why, yes, I suppose they would be,” mother replied, “how does one go about installing a solid oak door?”

“Well, first you hang the god-damned door, then you take the son-of-a-bi*** back down, shave a **nt hair off the bottom and put the F***kin’ thing back up.”

Poor mother! She began shaking, her knees went weak, she was dizzy, she felt nauseous, and she had to lie down. “Just wait until your father gets home, young man!” she admonished.

Upon father’s arrival home, mother had Billy recount the day’s lesson to him, un-edited. Father’s countenance became very stern, dark and cloudy. A thunderstorm was approaching. “Young man” he spoke tersely, “go out into the yard this instant and get me a switch.”

Young Billy’s back straightened, his chest puffed up, and in his best grown-up voice told his father-

“F**k you. That’s the electrician’s job.”

Scott nthQld

19-11-2010, 04:56 PM

There's only 2 states you should ever spend any time in..........Pissed and QUEENSLAND

groverwa

20-11-2010, 08:11 AM

How Do You Feel?
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched hm pray and after about 45 minutes, as he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir. I'm Rebeca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years," said Morris.
"Sixty years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims," said Morris. "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked Ms. Smith.
"Like I'm talking to a f*&king brick wall!"

pescados

20-11-2010, 05:04 PM

[QUOTE=FNQCairns;1223615]Letter to Men's Helpline:-

Hey Mate, I really need your advice for a serious problem:

I've suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.

The usual signs:

1. Phone rings, if I answer, the caller hangs up,
2. going out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night, about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?

QUOTE]

Clean up the crack and a bit of JBWeld should do the trick. ;D

Platitudinus

22-11-2010, 10:05 AM

I didn't know whether you had seen this already on the Joke thread or if it belongs on the Main chat page!
Plato
AUSTRALIA’S DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Dear Australian Laborites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the ACTU, the Fabian Society and every member of Emily’s List. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers (particularly Kerry O'Brien) and Bob Brown. You are, however, responsible for finding an electric vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, Lebanese bikies and boat people. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and the churches and give you SBS and the Greens.

You can make peace with Iran, Palestine and the Taliban and we'll retain the right to stand up and fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the 4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can find.

We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and our National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya", "We Are The World" and his recent big solo hit “Beds and Batts are Burning”.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Do you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative Australians and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John Wall
Australian Law Student

P.S. Also, please take Lindsay Tanner, Wayne Swan, Alan Griffin, John Faulkner, Kevin Rudd and Jenny Macklin with you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press "1" for English when you call our country.

Chong

22-11-2010, 03:39 PM

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife”, comes the reply.

Chimo

24-11-2010, 12:39 PM

THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

finga

25-11-2010, 08:48 AM

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the fooken length.

Scott nthQld

26-11-2010, 02:37 PM

A bloke called his boss one morning and said "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" his boss said "dunno what?"

Bloke answers " Well, I'm not coming in this morning"

Chimo

26-11-2010, 08:39 PM

NAG, NAG, NAG...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

groverwa

28-11-2010, 11:05 PM

TOP CARE FOR THE ELDERLY.

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital
"How are you grandpa?" He asks
"Feeling fine" says the old man
What's the food like?
"Terrific, wonderful menus"
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The chocolate makes him sleep,
and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

Chimo

29-11-2010, 04:56 PM

Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his partner, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to DreamWorld theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Tower of Terror, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with him and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over her with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong so just go fishing and be done with it!

Chimo

30-11-2010, 11:31 AM

A husband and his wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE:
"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:
"Of course I do.."

WIFE:
"Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND:
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE:
"You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan)

WIFE:
"Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:
"Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE:
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:
"Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:
"Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:
"That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE:
"Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND:
"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE:
"Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:
"Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE:
"Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND:
"No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"sh$t."

Chimo

03-12-2010, 04:45 PM

Little Larry is a smart little kid. You have to luv Larry!!

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Foxtel guy wants to buy Mum .....'

halcoholic

04-12-2010, 10:16 AM

A few days after xmas a mother was workin in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new train set she heard the train stop and her son say all you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train cause were leaving now. The mother went nuts and told her son we dont use that kind of language in this house now i want you to go to room and stay there for two hours when you come out you can play with train again. two hours later the son came out of his room and started playing with his train again soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say all passangers disembarking from the train please remeber to take all yur belongings whit you we thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was pleasent. She hears the son continue for those of you just boarding we ask you to stow all of hand luggage under your seat we hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing trip with us today. the mother began to smile and the son added for those of you that are pissed of for two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen

Chimo

06-12-2010, 10:13 AM

Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test

Principal. 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade. 'Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question

Harry replied: 'Pockets.

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: Coconut.
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, chewing gum

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: Firetruck.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!

finga

09-12-2010, 02:26 PM

I became confused when I heard the word 'service'in the context used by these agencies::-

Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
CableTV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'

Their performance did not equate to what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are really doing to us.!

jason p

09-12-2010, 04:14 PM

my last joke must a been PGR cause its vanished. sorry mods

G rated.

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, so I'm waiting for my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

jp

Chimo

11-12-2010, 09:02 AM

A CHRISTMAS STORY
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular
Ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and
Two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the
Ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to
The cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his
Frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
All over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw
Off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and
There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful
Tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.

mozzie1957

11-12-2010, 10:06 AM

She: 'Is there anything you can tell me that'd make me feel happy and sad at the same time?'

He: 'Well, you're better in the sack than your sister.'

finga

12-12-2010, 06:39 AM

Teacher:
Little Johnny,
can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

Kero

14-12-2010, 03:08 PM

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.. He also invited Geoffrey the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in"
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its a*s! Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh*t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey .
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
"Again Geoffrey said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?"
Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the Pool.

theangryangler

14-12-2010, 03:46 PM

Went to book into a hotel and thought i would be a gentlemen and mentioned to the woman at the front desk "I hope the porn channel is disabled".
To this she replied "ah No it is normal porn you SICK BASTARD"!!!!

theangryangler

14-12-2010, 03:52 PM

3 pieces of string walk into a bar. sit down
"what will it be boys?"
Both reply "rum and coke thanks"
So up to the bar "2rum and cokes and a scotch" the barman looks at him and sais
"we dont serve bits of string here Pi## off!!" shocked he goes back to the table and tells them of the incident. So the second string goes up " 2 rum and cokes and a scotch thanks" barman" I told your mate Pi** off out of here we DO NOT SERVE your kind here!!" almost in tears he heads back to the table and plonks into his seat.
THe 3rd piece stands up frays up his hair and ties himself into a knot and heads for the bar " 2 rum and cokes and a scotch thanks" the barman gives him a funny look then asks" hey arent you a piece of string?" the string replies" No im afraid not!!!!!!"

theangryangler

14-12-2010, 03:55 PM

Gu y walks into a doctors surgery with horrific injuries to his face the doc asked him what happened. " Well i was playin golf with my wife when we both hit a perfect 300y drive that over shot the fairway and landed in a paddock full of cows, so we jumped the fence to find them and i saw a ball lodged halfway up a cows bottom, so i lifted the tail to check whos ball it was surely enough it was my wifes so i called to her " Honey this looks just like yours" and thats the last thing i remember........

theangryangler

14-12-2010, 03:56 PM

why did bill fall off his bike??

cause bill is a fish :)

groverwa

14-12-2010, 07:54 PM

Dear Family and Friends,

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat sh1t in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my arse.

I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 1000 camels will infest your armpits, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way......a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough s#x, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P.S. Merry Christmas!!;D :)

4x4frog

15-12-2010, 10:06 AM

Outside England's Bristol Zoo, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25years, it's parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars, {£1.40} and buses{£7}.

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City Employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or Frnace or Italy....is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and had simply begun to show up everyday, commencinh to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day for 25years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £5.11million and no even knew his name. :o ;D

Chimo

15-12-2010, 07:30 PM

You have to love British humour!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker. Billy Connolly -

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Chimo

15-12-2010, 07:32 PM

A young woman was about to finish her first year of university. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very labor minded, and she was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs – in other words, the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch blue-ribbon liberal, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had attended, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing at university.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% average, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many university friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?” She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 50% average. She is so popular on campus; university for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 20% off your average and give it to your friend who only has 50%. That way you will both have a 70% average, and certainly that would be fair and equal.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Liberal side of the fence.”

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Liberal and Labor/Greens, I'm all ears.

finga

16-12-2010, 10:59 AM

Another poem by the famed Willy Nelson who said:
"I have outlived my pecker."

The Pecker Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the -----' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

sandman55

16-12-2010, 11:27 PM

TimiBoy

18-12-2010, 08:22 AM

The IPCC 12 days of Christmas.

1
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a climate bible with integrity.
2
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
3
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
4
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
5
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
6
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
7
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
8
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-8 cut-off dates
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
9
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-9 pine tree cones
-8 cut-off dates
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
10
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-10 student experts
-9 pine tree cones
-8 cut-off dates
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
11
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-11 dirty pools
-10 student experts
-9 pine tree cones
-8 cut-off dates
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
12
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-12 lumps of coal
-11 dirty pools
-10 student experts
-9 pine tree cones
-8 cut-off dates
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.

Thanks to:

http://nofrakkingconsensus.wordpress.com/2010/12/16/the-ipccs-12-days-of-christmas/

Chong

20-12-2010, 08:44 AM

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f--k all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

theangryangler

20-12-2010, 03:37 PM

Im Buggered I just spent the whole weekend painting the rocks in my front garden white just incase my new neighbours want a snowball fight at christmas :)

FNQCairns

20-12-2010, 07:38 PM

Biker Chilli

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern southside brisbane. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

mowerman

20-12-2010, 07:40 PM

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."
So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this a great a country !

Disclaimer: This is not a political statement, it's a joke! To anyone offended, MERRY CHRISTMAS

.

mowerman

20-12-2010, 07:43 PM

Some historians are teaching that history began some 10,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the winter and would go to the coast to live on fish and lobster in the summer.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.”

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their liberal men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals don’t like the designated hitter rule because it isn’t “fair” to have to pitch to good hitters without having a break every ninth batter.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally, anyone who works productively. Many conservatives own companies and hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production! Liberals are against corporations and free enterprise. Liberals want to distribute all wealth so that everyone is equal.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. Most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in later after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Liberals believe that it is offensive to mention “God” in public. They want to keep all poor people continually dependent on government welfare programs. Liberals oppose home ownership and the rule of law. Liberals desire to make all decisions based upon feelings rather than facts.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.

.

Chimo

20-12-2010, 09:11 PM

CRANKY OLD MAN (aka GOM)

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in country Queensland it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem.
Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple,
but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . . . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . . . . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . .. . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food .. . .. . . . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . .. 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . .. . . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not .. . . . . . . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am .. . . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters ... . . . . . . . who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . .. . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . ... . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . . .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. . . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, . . . . . ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .. . . . . . ... My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years .. . .. . . . . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man .. . . . . . . . . and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. . . . ... . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone ... . . . . .. . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . .. A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . .. .. . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . .. . . . . . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . .. . . . . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years . all too few . . . . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man . Look closer . . . . see . . . .. . .. . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside
without looking at the young soul within . . . . . we will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.
They must be felt by the heart.

finga

21-12-2010, 09:49 AM

For us hillbilly's

groverwa

22-12-2010, 09:13 AM

Who says I'm addicted to my PC

SchmucK

22-12-2010, 10:03 AM

Might not be G-rated, it all depends on how good your eyesight is ;D
http://www.deadend.se/uploadedfiles/optiker-glasgon-gon-linser.jpg

groverwa

25-12-2010, 09:43 PM

1. No known species of reindeer can fly.
There are 300,000 species of living things yet to be classified, and most of these are insects and bacteria.
Although this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, the chances for it yet to be discovered are pretty slim.

2. There are 2 billion children in the world.
But since Santa only appears to handle the Christian children,
that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million.
At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that is 91.8 millions homes.
One presumes there's at least one "good" child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels East to West.
This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each one of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 and a half million miles.
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound.
For purpose of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second
- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting aspect.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego Set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa,
who is invariably described as overweight.
On landing, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 330 pounds.
Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine reindeer.
We need 214,200 reindeer.
This increases the payload, not even counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons!
Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth!

5. 353,430 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.
This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space craft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second ... EACH!
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening Sonic Booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.
A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve ...
he's dead now!

Merry Xmas, and more importantly, have a safe Xmas and New Year;D ;D ;D

sandbankmagnet

25-12-2010, 10:26 PM

Are you trying to tell me Santa isn't real??

mouse71

26-12-2010, 07:40 AM

- if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve ...
he's dead now!

Merry Xmas, and more importantly, have a safe Xmas and New Year;D ;D ;D

[/quote]

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

sandman55

27-12-2010, 10:17 AM

The older we get....

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

reelcrazy

07-01-2011, 01:30 AM

A bloke walks into a brothel and says:

"I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies $60.

"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australian Cricket XI shirt.

bugsytwoshoes

07-01-2011, 09:31 AM

Letter to men's helpline......... Hey mate, really need your advice for a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that the misssus has been cheating on me, the usual signs.. phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up and she has been going out with the girls a lot lately.
I try to wait up for her to come home but I always fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. She arrived home in a strangers car... she got out buttoning her blouse, she took her panties out of her purse and put them on......it was at that moment I noticed a " hairline crack " in the outboard mounting bracket.....Is that something that I can weld myself or do I need to replace it???
Thanks and kind regards.....Jim Brown.

finga

09-01-2011, 06:39 PM

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was suing the lorry company
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'

Seamus:'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus
'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,
'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what would you have said'?

finga

16-01-2011, 05:50 PM

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put
On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f.........g Chihuahua ?!"

sandman55

16-01-2011, 07:43 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI&feature=player_embedded

2 weis

16-01-2011, 07:49 PM

good laugh :)

sandman55

16-01-2011, 07:57 PM

A couple of friends meet after a long time:
“I divorced my wife.” One says.
“Really? How did you do it?”
“We hired a lawyer who helped divide the assets and stuff.”
“What about the kids?”
“Well,…we’ve decided that whoever got more money would also take the kids.”
“That sounds fair. And who got them?
“The lawyer.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just got off the phone with a friend in Duluth , Minnesota .

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.

Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's, Newfoundland and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and t'ongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour. "What skill? yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher, but before school started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

sleepygreg

16-01-2011, 10:51 PM

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

Xahn1960

19-01-2011, 05:12 PM

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth."

finga

20-01-2011, 01:45 PM

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poo."
"It was my first day with the hook."

TimiBoy

21-01-2011, 09:15 AM

Q: What do you get when you offer a Left Whinger a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change.

Cheers,

Tim

TimiBoy

22-01-2011, 05:44 AM

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

groverwa

22-01-2011, 12:41 PM

Drinkin and Drivin in Townsville. . . .. .

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.

The passenger, Harry, suddenly said,'Look... up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' dese here beers!!'

'Don't worry,' Archie said. 'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow the bottlesunder the seat.'

'What fer?'

'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, 'You boys been drinkin'?'

'No sir,' said Archie, pointing at the labels. 'We're on the patch.' :o ;D

groverwa

22-01-2011, 12:53 PM

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook & really good with the kids.'

----------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

-----------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.The little old man looked at the preacher & calmly said, 'Well . . . she's there.'

;D ;D ;D

groverwa

25-01-2011, 08:29 PM

Wireless technolgy

sleepygreg

25-01-2011, 11:28 PM

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his ##### over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

finga

30-01-2011, 04:51 PM

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quite, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding cake'

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy billionaire widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

STUIE63

30-01-2011, 05:18 PM

my guess is wedding cake

finga

30-01-2011, 05:26 PM

my guess is wedding cake
Well looky at that. I cannot even cut and paste right.
I have now repaired my stuff up.
Cheers matey ;D

groverwa

03-02-2011, 02:38 PM

"Drafting Guys Over 60"

This is funny & obviously written by a former soldier...

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ####### that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!:-X ;D

theangryangler

03-02-2011, 03:06 PM

You know you're Australian if ...

* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.
* You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount
vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for
something illegal such as watering the garden.
* You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil
case when he first attends school.
* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans
"rooting" for something.
* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black
thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
* You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.
* You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to
Maccas.'
* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its
highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
* You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really,
truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's
twice as big as its $2 coin.
* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but
'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast
spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little
Vegemite worms.
* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they
stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
* Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any
rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.
* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has
become smaller with every passing year.
* You wear ugh boots outside the house.
* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by
an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you
like them.
* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order
takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is
always polite.
* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to
handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for
beach cricket.
* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they
call 'Anzac cookies'.
* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
* You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
* You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the
need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in
-o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo,
smoko, speedo, righto etc.
* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located
in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.
* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it
tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can. HELL YEAH ;D
* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the
summer. Maybe even as perfume.
* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet
- to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you
REALLY mean it.
* You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding
the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the
salad.
* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
* You've ordered a steak the size of your head and only paid $5 at your
local RSL.
* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as
barra. Or a meat pie.
* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Strayla" and
that's ok.

theangryangler

03-02-2011, 03:07 PM

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time! I'm just putting me f*cken shoes on!"

finga

07-02-2011, 08:12 AM

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?

A: They haven't got a scrotum to scratch.

finga

07-02-2011, 08:30 AM

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features a situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION

You are in Queensland, Brisbane to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by severe storms.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for the Courier Mail, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.

THE TEST

Suddenly, you see a woman in the water.

She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, this woman looks familiar...

You suddenly realise who it is... It's Julia Gillard! You notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

You have two options:

1. You can save the life of Prime Minister Gillard; or
2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful people!
THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

finga

07-02-2011, 08:32 AM

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia ’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught Archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely F@%K all.

Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

groverwa

07-02-2011, 09:07 PM

Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you cannot resist passing it on...........::) ;D

Xahn1960

10-02-2011, 04:56 PM

The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause..
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ' ('F@&k)F@&k him'.

Xahn1960

10-02-2011, 04:58 PM

A
tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off
a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! that was the best kiss I have
ever had, that's a real talent you are wasting.

you could be famous, why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

wayno60

11-02-2011, 12:00 PM

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ....
I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan , I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden

Aussie123

11-02-2011, 03:52 PM

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

groverwa

11-02-2011, 09:27 PM

Man is a woman's best friend.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions andgive in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.:-?

No wait... Sorry...
I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that...

Sorry.

ifish86

14-02-2011, 03:49 PM

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to YOU?“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. “I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s fanny.
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”
I don’t remember much after that

finga

16-02-2011, 10:40 AM

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you.'

Chimo

17-02-2011, 10:06 AM

A drunk staggers into a Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

akman1

17-02-2011, 07:36 PM

not really a joke but close enough::::::::::::::::::

Australian government at work
You will love this one, I haven't stopped laughing For those of you who have never travelled to the country , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

Last year, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there were over 10,000 cattle guards in NSW & Queensland. Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!!

Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Minister for Employment Julia Gillard, intervened with a request that before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

And now she is running the country.

Passed on to you without further comment....

finga

20-02-2011, 08:27 PM

Sex And Good Grammar

For all my grammatically correct friends (that's you Charlieville).
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next
full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him
in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, " 1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,
and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle

oldboot

21-02-2011, 03:22 PM

There was this inflatable boy, and try as they might his parents could not get him to be happy in a normal school.
So eventually they found an inflatable school, with other inflatable students, inflatable teachers and everything, the boy wa so happy he even found an inflatable girlfriend.

All was well until one day he ran amuck with a drawing pin.

He was called up to the principles office and got a stern talking to.

"Young Johnny, your behaviour is unexcusable, you've let the school down, you've let your mates down, you've let your teachers down, you've let me down and you've let yourself down..........";D

cheers

sandman55

22-02-2011, 04:25 PM

For all of my friends over 60 :

THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS

Pass to all 50 yrs and older.
Cardiovascular Exercise

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our
daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and
maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may
be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Scroll Down.

NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of wine.

theangryangler

24-02-2011, 05:45 PM

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me..'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her.;D

finga

27-02-2011, 06:00 PM

Oops. double post :-[

finga

27-02-2011, 06:00 PM

I GOT RIPPED OFF ON E-BAY

Spent $50 on E-bay for a pen!s enlarger.
The b@st@rds sent me a magnifying glass..

groverwa

27-02-2011, 06:32 PM

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(I LOVE IT!)

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
********************

Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

********************

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.

pescados

01-03-2011, 02:52 PM

mowerman

03-03-2011, 07:31 PM

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
(You know you're laughing...)

.

TimiBoy

04-03-2011, 06:13 AM

Rudd , Gillard and Swan are flying on the Executive Airbus to a
gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling,
'You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and
make someone very happy .'

Gillard shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the
window and make ten people happy.'

Not to be outdone, Swan says, 'Well I could throw a hundred $10
bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.'

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant
jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window
and make 21 million people happy.'

nigelr

04-03-2011, 06:36 PM

Not a joke, but I think some may appreciate...........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlUdrJ6RPeA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlUdrJ6RPeA)
enjoy!
The fabulous Marty Felman and Prunella Scales circ '68......8-)

Platitudinus

07-03-2011, 08:27 PM

Thanks Nigel - that brought back memories of Marty and also my youth - LOL.
Once a king always a king but once a knight is enough!
Plato

Platitudinus

07-03-2011, 08:28 PM

Thanks Nigel - that brought back memories of Marty and also my youth - LOL.
Once a king always a king but once a knight is enough!
Plato

groverwa

11-03-2011, 02:39 PM

Faster than hell

Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed, and the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: “It’s gone! It’s all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed, “that’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”
God just shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”;D

finga

11-03-2011, 06:18 PM

A doctor from Israel says:
"In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments:
"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says:
"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The Australian doctor answers immediately:
"That's nothing fellas, you’re way behind us....in OZ, ...We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with balls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion.....and....

we made her Prime Minster ofAustralia

and very soon .....the whole bloody country will be looking for work!!!!!!"

sparkyice

12-03-2011, 03:54 AM

jesus saves....

moses invests.;)

coucho

14-03-2011, 08:24 AM

> Subject: Understanding Engineers

> Understanding Engineers One

> Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

> The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

> The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

> Understanding Engineers Two

> To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

> To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

> To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

> Understanding Engineers Three
> A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

> The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

> He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

> The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

> The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

> The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

> The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

> Understanding Engineers Four

> What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

> Mechanical engineers build weapons Civil engineers build targets.

> Understanding Engineers Five

> The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
> The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
> The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

> Understanding Engineers Six

> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
> Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. "

> The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

> Understanding Engineers Seven

> Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

> Understanding Engineers Eight

> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Hope you can understand better now!

littlejim

17-03-2011, 05:23 PM

Threa yeers ago i coodun evin spel enjunear - now i ar wun!!

Lancair

17-03-2011, 06:36 PM

You can always tell an engineer, just not very much !

Chimo

18-03-2011, 04:18 PM

Subject: Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable
programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then
installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Fishing, Football,
Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and
Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running
Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.................................................. ...............................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the
command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update.
If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelery and Flowers, but remember - overuse
of the above application can cause Husband to default to
Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad
program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a
virus in the background that will eventually seize control
of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to
reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported
applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It
also tends to work better running one task at a time. You
might consider buying additional software to improve memory
and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

littlejim

21-03-2011, 07:00 PM

Blast from the Past

Remember this one?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x19u93_infrared-fart_people

sleepygreg

22-03-2011, 11:39 PM

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says,
"Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings".

Noelm

23-03-2011, 09:43 AM

here is a picture of a very tragic accident, 6 lost, do not look at picture if you have a weak stomach

groverwa

25-03-2011, 10:03 AM

Since more and more Seniors are texting, it appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN, God Children, and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In);D ;D ;D

charleville

25-03-2011, 10:29 AM

Today's business news is that Youtube, Twitter and Facebook are amalgamating.

The new venture will be called, YouTwitFace.

;D

.

finga

28-03-2011, 08:06 AM

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit

TimiBoy

01-04-2011, 07:46 AM

ROFLMAO

http://www.twawki.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/lyingtart.jpg

sandman55

01-04-2011, 11:38 PM

The perfect wife
http://i51.tinypic.com/1zoxavc.jpg

groverwa

02-04-2011, 03:41 AM

Mechanical Problem
A woman told her mechanic, "Sometimes, when I have friends in my car, a terrible smell occurs -- but it never happens when I'm alone."
The intrigued mechanic suggested he take a ride with her.
Off they went, through a red light, 100 k.p.h. through a school zone, the wrong way down a one-way street, swerving, hitting curbs, narrowly missing pedestrians, and blowing past a policeman so close he nearly flipped his motorcycle.
Finally, she said: "There it is! That's the smell I was tell you about. Do you smell it?"
The shaking mechanic stammered, "Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it!":o :o

STUIE63

05-04-2011, 09:14 AM

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

STUIE63

05-04-2011, 09:15 AM

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Catholic priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next!

Camhawk88

05-04-2011, 10:22 AM

The perfect wife
http://i51.tinypic.com/1zoxavc.jpg

No. The perfect wife would be holding the brolly as well to allow unencubered drinking.

Chong

11-04-2011, 11:04 AM

THE SENSITIVITY OF SENIORS..

This letter was sent to the LionsBay School Principal's office in West Geelong after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today
Dear Lions Bay School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f*ck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

sandman55

12-04-2011, 12:13 AM

The Night Watchman

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,"

So they laid off the night watchman.

finga

12-04-2011, 02:25 PM

Two AFL are in a locker room taking a shower after their training session in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

I regret I cannot', lamented the first AFL player. 'It is permanently stuck in my butt.

'I do not understand,' said the other.

The first AFL player says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

'No sh!t?' Says the first dope...I mean AFL player

groverwa

12-04-2011, 09:13 PM

Great news for Qantas!-Rolls Royce cures their engine glitch

mowerman

13-04-2011, 07:59 PM

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons

and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy relied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either."

.

littlejim

16-04-2011, 10:09 AM

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.
"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer....
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the toliet and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the collector comes around taking tickets, he knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens a crack and an arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The collector takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique.
At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!
"How in hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one toilet and the three engineers cram into the other.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and knocks on the other toilet door.

"Ticket, please!"

charleville

16-04-2011, 04:12 PM

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Canadian, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a New Zealander, a Frenchman, a Chinaman, a Fijian and an African all went to a night club together.

The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

;D ;D ;D

.

Chimo

17-04-2011, 03:53 PM

Walking Eagle

On a recent trip to the United States, Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for Australia .

At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Ms Gillard.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

finding_time

18-04-2011, 06:25 PM

Not worth post twice!:-[

finding_time

18-04-2011, 06:27 PM

Shipwrecked

A cruise (http://www.fishnhunt.co.nz/forum/YaBB.cgi?num=1301190426#) on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
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.
.

So they burried Debbie!:-X :-X :-X

finga

19-04-2011, 07:16 AM

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

groverwa

22-04-2011, 05:41 PM

It was my first time ever

And I'll never forget

I'd do it again

Without a single regret.

The sky was dark

The moon was high

We were all alone

Just she and I.

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine.

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

I started by placing

My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came.

At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time ever

At milking a cow...;D ;D ;D

oldboot

23-04-2011, 10:27 PM

keeping with the season.

What do you call an angry rabbit.

That is angry because his new airconditioner has just failed in a heat wave.

,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,

A

HOT

CROSS

BUNNY

;D

cheers

Brogsy

25-04-2011, 12:47 PM

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
His Dad says, ' Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me the Prime Minister. Your mother is the Administrator of the money so we call her the government. We are here to take care of your needs so we will call you the people. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad i think i know what politics is all about'. The father says, 'Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy reply's 'The Prime Minister is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.'

groverwa

25-04-2011, 09:14 PM

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

You have 5 seconds only to guess these words.

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Have a nice day:o ;D

GES

26-04-2011, 04:56 PM

THE FATE OF A GREENIE

A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie in WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points on the tract of land. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to local Hospital's Emergency Room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and explained how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go and wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the State Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" which is so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his Green Party policies, they turned me down!!"

GES ;D

Chimo

27-04-2011, 09:40 AM

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

mowerman

27-04-2011, 05:44 PM

Psychiarist vs. Bartender Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him, “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the psychiatrist. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?” “Eighty pounds per visit,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, Eighty quid a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!”
“Is that so!” he said with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!”
DUMP THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS. GO HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.
.

Chimo

27-04-2011, 07:27 PM

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Chimo

27-04-2011, 07:30 PM

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

Chimo

29-04-2011, 02:12 PM

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade'

mitchdemeanor

02-05-2011, 10:57 AM

Five secrets of a perfect relationship:-

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie

4. It's important to have a woman who's good in bed

5. It's absolutely vital that these four women don't know each other

Chimo

02-05-2011, 08:58 PM

An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Chimo

02-05-2011, 09:00 PM

Q: Have you heard about the brand new version of Playboy magazine exclusively for married men?
A: The centerfold is the same every month

Richard

02-05-2011, 09:14 PM

The Osama jokes have already started

greenie61

03-05-2011, 07:30 PM

Anyone relate to this.........

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talkin?"
He replies, "It's me............. talkin to the beer."

groverwa

04-05-2011, 04:28 PM

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father,it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:

"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Chimo

06-05-2011, 07:30 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0LvKg5aCG0&feature=email

sleepygreg

07-05-2011, 10:16 PM

That is an absolute cracker. I showed it to my old mum 20 minutes ago and she is still peeing herself laughing. Now to google the show "Mrs Brown's Boys". Have never heard of it....presume its a british comedy series. Best laugh I have had in ages.

2 weis

08-05-2011, 06:09 PM

:D just watched shorts on you tube careful it may be contagious

Chimo

11-05-2011, 04:10 PM

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Chimo

12-05-2011, 02:25 PM

Todays lesson --- cats!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbkLjjlMV8

littlejim

13-05-2011, 05:44 PM

Unique!
How on earth did you find that one Chimo?

Chimo

13-05-2011, 06:45 PM

Its the GOM network littlejim, like it?

Marlin_Mike

14-05-2011, 08:42 AM

That is Fu***** hilarious...top $hyte. Who sits down and comes up with this stuff. LMFAO....................good one;D;D;D

Chimo

14-05-2011, 10:49 AM

Gotta Luv the irish

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem. "
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, " says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
WAIT, THERE'S MORE. . .
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either! "
IT IS NOT OVER YET. .
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgiejumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting. . .
And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding! "

Chimo

15-05-2011, 10:55 AM

Its windy so here is something other than boating to do............

Air Force Test
The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit
by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.

If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said
that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go
for at least 2 minutes.
Give it a try, but be careful, it is addictive -
Or, forward it to someone you want to frustrate!!!

Air Force Test <http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html (http://members.iinet.net.au/%7Epontipak/redsquare.html)>

Scott nthQld

15-05-2011, 11:29 AM

Chimo

15-05-2011, 01:21 PM

Nice one Scott, its not easy!

Tried it twice.... second time... 9.something seconds. That'll do me. Phill

mowerman

16-05-2011, 08:31 PM

Coincidence?

http://i906.photobucket.com/albums/ac263/johnnofishing/image001.jpg

.

Chimo

17-05-2011, 03:40 PM

Warning! Do not eat or drink during this.

Thank you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=hhFkFXFr7NM&vq=medium#t=20

Chimo

18-05-2011, 04:18 PM

Who said Bankers are smart........

A Redneck from Arkansas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished Alumni from the University of Arkansas , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good 'ole Arkansas boy replied, Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

His name was BUBBA..