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sandman55
01-04-2010, 06:01 PM
Vaseline
A man doing market research knocked on a door,
He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.

I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

groverwa
02-04-2010, 06:14 PM
A couple of cartoons

charleville
02-04-2010, 06:20 PM
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"

"Oh, yes, Ted", she says.

Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."

"Oh yes, Ted" she says.

"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."

"Oh, yes, Ted", she says.

"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."

"Oh yes, Ted,"

"Now here I am, in excruciating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."

"Yes Ted."

"Shirl."

"Yes, Ted?"

"You're bloody bad luck"



;D ;D ;D ;D ;D



.

Chimo
02-04-2010, 07:23 PM
Will I Live To See 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... "Then, why do you even give a sh$t?"

finga
03-04-2010, 11:21 AM
A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud
towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have
in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on
the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to
get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young
man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
prints
out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer
and finally turned to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows
and
calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the
Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay,
why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess
that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive
equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me
how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows
this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

greenie61
06-04-2010, 04:43 PM
Fan the Flames
During the soccer World Cup, a bloke was driving home from work when he got caught in a terrible traffic jam that seemed to go on for miles. While sitting in the traffic, he saw a police officer walking amongst the cars, speaking to each of the drivers. As he got closer, the man called the officer over to him.

"Hey. Excuse me mate." said the man to the officer. "What's going on up ahead?"

The officer came over and said, "It's a Pommy soccer fan. He's so depressed about his team being knocked out of the World Cup, finishing behind Australia, and the prospect of winning nothing after mouthing off all year about how great they were, that he's threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and all his mates are making fun of him. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Really?" says the bloke. "How much have you collected so far?"

"So far," replies the police officer, "only ten litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

finga
07-04-2010, 10:27 AM
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

groverwa
07-04-2010, 04:44 PM
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell Her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to 'after dinner.'

The teacher fainted…

groverwa
07-04-2010, 04:47 PM
Three young women are at a party.
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect *****."

The first woman looks shamefaced and says: "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says: "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."

"Well," the third woman says: "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg.:o ;D

groverwa
07-04-2010, 04:52 PM
Three young women are at a party.
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect *****."

The first woman looks shamefaced and says: "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says: "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."

"Well," the third woman says: "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg.

shrunken pojie
07-04-2010, 06:53 PM
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Chimo
07-04-2010, 07:34 PM
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Mike Delisser
12-04-2010, 07:45 PM
KevinRudd goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

The undertaker tells the Australian Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.'

The Australian Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Kevin shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Emissions Trading and get a face job for Julia or help the elderly'.

The Australian Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take the risk.'

sandman55
12-04-2010, 10:37 PM
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aeroplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing." "We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"

sandman55
12-04-2010, 10:51 PM
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

vk355a
13-04-2010, 12:08 AM
not sure where to put it.

no joke but pretty funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR6DaBawsZI

mudrunner
13-04-2010, 04:45 AM
my late mums favourite...

why do people have armies...?


so they can clap their handies....

finga
20-04-2010, 09:35 AM
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! B... S... and brilliance only come with age and experience.

finga
20-04-2010, 11:44 AM
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children..

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."


"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania

Chimo
20-04-2010, 01:47 PM
THE MISTRESS

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's Jim's mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Chimo
20-04-2010, 08:51 PM
I think you’re the father


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids,'

Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Chimo
22-04-2010, 11:23 AM
Beware of older men – we only get wiser!

Awomandecides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..

She spends $40,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the attendant, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, buthow old do you think I am?
'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily..

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the girl at the counter thevery same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on herway down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the sales girl this burning question.

The sales girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to herthe same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was youngthere was a sure-fine way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under yourbra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best ofher.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50..'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'


The old man says, 'Promise you won't get angry?



'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Xahn1960
22-04-2010, 04:41 PM
Bottle of Wine
(Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

shrunken pojie
22-04-2010, 06:39 PM
Carl Williams' dad was visiting Carl in gaol,

When they met his Dad noticed how fat he was getting and he said to him.

'Jeez Carl, an exercise bike wouldn't kill ya'

finga
22-04-2010, 07:39 PM
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper!"

NTMID8
22-04-2010, 11:06 PM
What has 26 legs but cant climb a ladder????












Melbourne Storm!!!!!

Chimo
23-04-2010, 09:54 AM
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
Men – These may save your life / relationship / marriage


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake..

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- off!

(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Lucky_Phill
23-04-2010, 10:31 AM
What's the difference between The Melbourne Storm and a Triangle ?








.
.
.
. A triangle has 3 points.


doh !



LP
.
.
.
.

Lucky_Phill
23-04-2010, 10:33 AM
There is a new series on Channel Nine.


Underbellamy....... The Tale of Two Books.


LP.
.
.
.
.
.

Noelm
23-04-2010, 11:14 AM
haha, now that's a pretty good one Phil

greenie61
23-04-2010, 02:56 PM
CATTLE DOG STORY

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".
"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.
"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Dryas A Bone raincoats, some RM Williams boots, Some Roll Your Own Tobacco and an Akubra Hat. Oh, and a blue heeler cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".
"Right" said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two schooners of your best beer".
"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two schooners of our best coming up".
Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.


Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"


"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two ****holes"..

greenie61
23-04-2010, 03:02 PM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me?" The man replies "No. What do you mean?" "You must be new here," she says. "Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Finished, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him."Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man."No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man.. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and
has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all of our facilities." "Listen lady," the man replies, "I'm 58 years old. I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

groverwa
23-04-2010, 11:15 PM
For those of us that enjoy a cartoon without getting too serious about gender should have a look at

http://www.bassboatreview.com/bass-boats/nitro-boat-vs-whiney-girlfriend


Some of the comments are good also

sparkyice
28-04-2010, 03:54 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEatKbSW8KY

you blokes down under need worry only about a shark or an occasional crock stealing your catch.
i guess i'd let them have it.

finga
28-04-2010, 09:03 AM
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked ...
'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

tednted
28-04-2010, 09:27 AM
Explaining A nudist Beach To Your Son


Explaining A Nude Beach to your son

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

groverwa
29-04-2010, 08:10 PM
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f##k or drown.:lipsrsealed: :rolleyes:

Chimo
01-05-2010, 07:41 PM
PRIORITIES

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.





The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.’

snasman
02-05-2010, 10:09 PM
Important Health Bulletin
Information has just been made public that is something you should all be aware of: Gonorrhea Lectim.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im."
Many victims contracted it in 2007…but now most people, after having been infected for the past 2-3 years, are realizing how destructive this sickness is. It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out!
You take the first dose/step in 2010 , and don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out life as we know it.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.

Xahn1960
03-05-2010, 10:20 AM
MORAL DILEMMA

This test will only take one minute and only has one question, but it's
a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



THE SITUATION:

You are in Queensland , Brisbane to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone, with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into
the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is..

It's Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.






You have two options:

1. You can save his life; or



2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting
the death of one of the country's most powerful men!









THE QUESTION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white ?

groverwa
03-05-2010, 12:14 PM
Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I t'ink its time!"

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "Hey, Ole! You yust had a son! Ain't dat great!"

Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and he said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!" She's a pretty little ting, too...."

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had youself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and the their t'ree children home in the self-propelled combine.

He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got t'ree on the first try?"

Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of K-Vy Yelly and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere
3-in-1 Oil?"

Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda!, it's a dam good t'ing I didn't get the WD-40!

finga
03-05-2010, 05:59 PM
A Northern Territory (Oz) farm hand radios back to the farm manager.



'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ..303Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

'................................................. ......... You there Boss?

groverwa
03-05-2010, 06:46 PM
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you' Then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said;




"What's for dinner, Batman?"

Member101
03-05-2010, 07:50 PM
Carl Williams requested that the Jailhouse gym acquire a rowing machine. He told the warden that the bike was going to do his head in.

Chimo
04-05-2010, 06:35 AM
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford :

" The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of you realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70 year old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said,


"Wedding Cake."

finga
05-05-2010, 06:57 AM
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Chimo
05-05-2010, 10:38 AM
One for the GOM among us ................:rolleyes:

Xahn1960
07-05-2010, 05:20 PM
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR TOMATO SAUCE!"

Xahn1960
07-05-2010, 05:22 PM
Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood

He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left.

The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset.



'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'

Xahn1960
07-05-2010, 05:29 PM
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Xahn1960
07-05-2010, 06:17 PM
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No ...'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman ...... '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME ...... '

sparkyice
08-05-2010, 03:19 AM
" there's lots of ways to make a buck, but porno stars get paid too much"

sandman55
08-05-2010, 04:12 PM
Don't piss off the backhoe operator

http://i40.tinypic.com/16c82lc.jpg

groverwa
08-05-2010, 08:12 PM
Food for thought

finga
10-05-2010, 07:35 AM
While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year-old farmer, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime Minister.
The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Rudd is a '"Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a "post turtle'" was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and then you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put him up there to begin with.

Chimo
10-05-2010, 01:19 PM
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a blue shirted, silver haired (tinted), grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm Prime Minister Rudd. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Mr Rudd

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labor kittens," answered Suzy with a smile.

Mr Rudd was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Prime Minister should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the child talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, 7, SBS, TEN and 9.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then PM Rudd got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Liberals."

Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But... but.. yesterday, you told me they were Labor."







Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Chimo
10-05-2010, 01:52 PM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
action.. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her
best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping
rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's
trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Chimo
10-05-2010, 01:54 PM
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates, the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blonde. He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession; but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be”.

Get out, my son." the priest replies, "You're on my side."

sparkyice
12-05-2010, 12:44 AM
my girlfriend's upset with me.
she thinks i'm cruel to animals, but it was just a big misunderstanding.
i had a few beers in me the other night, and was feeling kind of amorous, so i sent her a text message using that "T9 Word" feature on my cell phone.
she replied " you evil bastard! why would you want to kick my puppy?!?!?"

bungie
12-05-2010, 07:49 AM
T9 word ??

nidrac
12-05-2010, 08:47 AM
T9 is the dictionary when you text.. it uses the keys you pressed and predicts what you want to say for each word

Fatenhappy
13-05-2010, 04:39 PM
The neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. But if you must know, I'm going to use it on my Schnauzer.

The pharmacist says, "Well … better stay off your bicycle for about a week or so."

Chimo
14-05-2010, 07:43 AM
This could also be News "Fishing For Luv"

Horny roo stalks NT women
JASMIN AFIANOS
May 14th, 2010


A BRAWNY kangaroo that has been seeking love of late has focussed his lust on the women of a Territory town.
The well-endowed macropod has been hanging around the Honeymoon Ranges in Tennant Creek recently, making every effort to woo a woman.
One resident who walks along the bike track to the Mary Ann Dam regularly said she realised she was being followed early one morning.
"I turned around and saw this big kangaroo behind me, so I hastened my steps," she said.
"It seemed a bit odd, but I continued walking and didn't think much about it.
"Then on the return walk he was there waiting for me," she said.
"With his male pride on full alert, he started circling me.
"There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing.
"It was a huge kangaroo and quite intimidating.
"I yelled at him to go away, waved my hands about and let him know I wasn't interested, but he was persistent - I'll give him that."
The woman said the roo bounded off when other walkers approached.
The jolly jumper made another appearance at a recent night-time speedway meeting.
Mother-of-three, Tanya Wilson, who was behind the pits, noticed he had come to check out the action.
"I thought it was strange that a kangaroo would come to such a noisy place, but I grew up around kangaroos so I went up to say hello," she said. "There I was having a nice chat to him when I heard others calling out to me, warning me to step away.
"I didn't take any notice of them because I didn't think I had anything to worry about. I thought he was just a cute, friendly kangaroo."
Tanya was oblivious to the amorous nature of the interlude, but the kangaroo's intentions were clearly evident to other speedway fans.
"Yeah, apparently he was quite aroused," she said.
"I'm actually glad I didn't notice." ** "Obviously she's been married a while" ED
There were reports a male speedway fan confronted the kangaroo but came off second best when the beast punched him in the face

sparkyice
14-05-2010, 10:41 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes
back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I
swished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

TimiBoy
15-05-2010, 06:25 AM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it and on, and on, and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

Chimo
16-05-2010, 11:42 AM
These are very G and just for the children; and child in us all. C




http://www.reachingtheanimalmind.com/chapter_04.htmljavascript:showAnswer( 'ch_4_vid_1' );

Donny Boy
17-05-2010, 09:59 AM
For the Handyman in all of us.......you may find this helpful around the shed.

Tools of the Trade explained..........

Drill Press.
A tall, upright machine, very useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of your hands, so that it smacks you in the Chest, and flings your drink across the room, splattering all over that freshly-stained ( or painted ) whatever.

Wire Wheel.
Useful for cleaning paint off bolts and throwing them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light.
Also can remove fingerprints and hard earned Guitar Callouses in the time it takes you to say " Faaaaaaaa...........!!!"

Skil Saw.
A useful, portable cutting tool, used for making studs too short.

Pliers.
A tool used to round-off Bolt Heads. Also good for the creation of Blood Blisters.

Belt Sander.
An electrical Sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs, into major refinishing jobs.
Caution ; Avoid using for Manicures.

Hacksaw.
From the family of Cutting Tools built for frustration enhancement.
It can transform human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you try to influence it's course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise Grips.
Generally used after Pliers to completely finish the job of rounding off a Bolt Head.
If nothing else is available, it can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Welding Gloves.
Heavy Duty Leather Gloves, generally used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch.
Apart from being used in conjunction with Welding Gloves, used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shed on fire.
Also, very handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want to get that bearing race out of.

Whitworth Sockets.
Once used for working on older British cars & Motorcycles, but are now mainly used to impersonate that 9/16 or 1/2 socket that you've been searching for, for the last 45 minutes.

Table Saw.
A large, stationary power tool, generally used to launch wooden projectiles to test wall integrity.

Hydraulic Floor Jack.
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed the new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

4 x 4 x 2.4 Treated Pine.
Used for levering a car upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

Tweezers.
A tool that is useful for the removal of splinters originating from 4 x 4 x 2.4 Treated Pine.
Also good for removing wire wheel wires.

E-Z Out Bolt & Stud Extractor.
A tool ten times handier than any known drill bit, that always snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending any possible future use.

Radial Arm Saw.
A large, stationary power saw primarily used for scaring the kids into another part of the yard or into choosing another line of work.

Compound Mitre Saw.
A smaller, and handier power saw, that can test the patience of most people, by seeking them to question the graduations of angles, printed onto the cutting table, by someone who is, presumably, skilled in these things.
Also useful for testing walls and scaring kids.

Engine Hoist. ( Two Tonne)
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything that you forgot to disconnect.

1/2" x 24 inch Flat Blade Screwdriver.
A very large pry bar that for some inexplicable reason, has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite to the handle.

Trouble or Mechanics' Light.
The home mechanics' personal tanning booth, and a good source of Vitamin D, "The Sunshine Vitamin", which is normally not found to be present under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, its' main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm Howitzer shells might have been used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.

Hammer.
Originally a weapon of war, but nowadays used as a sort of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts on anything, adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

Cold Chisel.
Usually confused with the Popular Music Group, blaring on the shed stereo, but in reality, a very useful tool for centering the areas of your thumb, forefinger and wrist, that you wish to destroy with the hammer.


:smiley:

Donny Boy
18-05-2010, 07:56 AM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.



The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '



The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.'


Sound familiar ???:smiley::smiley:

groverwa
19-05-2010, 06:46 AM
Wife 1.0 (Upgraded)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5, and Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!!

THE REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a “Utilities and Entertainment program”.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this.

Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under “Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults (GPFs).” You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF’s are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2.

You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

finga
19-05-2010, 12:56 PM
We all remember the KFC"Hillary Meal":
small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the “Rudd” Bucket:
it consists of nothing but left wings and an a Parson's nose.

(A Parson's nose a chook's bum for those who don't know)

groverwa
19-05-2010, 02:34 PM
Flow chart

When top level guys look down, they see only sh!t;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only @rseholes...

sparkyice
20-05-2010, 08:36 PM
this is not a joke ,and not particularly funny, either, but i wanted to share and didn't know where else it would fit in. my brother sent it to me.
:huh:




OK, now, see, I shouldn't have your email address. I'm just some guy on the rim of the internet, watching emails go by. So, some person -- who wasn't thinking clearly, who didn't understand your desire for a little privacy, and who has never thought about respectful etiquette on the internet -- left your email address for everyone to see in a message that was forwarded to a bunch of people at once. We didn't have to meet this way. That person didn't have to give your personal email address away. But they did.

Just be thankful it didn't end up in the hands of the guy who sells addresses to spammers, who will then try to sell you every drug, and ask you to update your compromised bank information, and send you a package delivery receipt, and share the inheritance of a dead Nigerian banker with you. You know: those guys who make your email address useless, as you wade through mountains of SPAM to pluck the one message you want.

That person who sent your address to me COULD have used the "BCC:" field to address their email to all those people, instead of placing all those names of people you don't know in the "TO:" and "CC:" fields. That person COULD have scoured the email they forwarded to you, and REMOVED all the email addresses from inside the message.

But they didn't.

Take the hint. Learn about "netiquette" (that's internet etiquette). You can Google it. Then practice safe email. You wouldn't give away the personal phone numbers of all your friends, would you? Then don't give away their email addresses, either.

After you get nicely confident in the right way to do things, maybe you should look back through your email, and find a message with lots of email addresses in it, and have a polite but firm discussion about privacy concerns on the internet with the person who sent it.

********************

ONLY use "BCC:" to address messages to varied people, unless ALL those people are actively participating in the conversation, and EXPECT their email addresses to be shared (and when in doubt, use "BCC:" anyway). In the "TO:" field, just put YOUR OWN address. Then each person who receives the email blast will only see YOUR address, as the sender, and THEIR single address (if they dig through the headers) as the receiver.

Don't know how to use "BCC:"? Ask a local geek, or Google "How do I use BCC?" But don't ask a spammer. They hate that feature.

********************

ALWAYS remove all unrelated email addresses from messages you forward. Just delete them. The people you are forwarding the message to don't need them, but spammers would love to get them.

********************

Want to know if you've done it right? Check the copy of the email you sent to yourself when you put yourself in the "TO:" field. You should only find ONE email address anywhere in that message: your own.

********************

Make sense? I hope so. You would not believe how easy it is for the unrepentant spammers, and their enabling address-collectors, from harvesting poorly secured email.

Back to the rim for me.

Netiquette Man

shrunken pojie
21-05-2010, 07:58 PM
this is a " G" rated site.



LP>
.
.
.
.
.

charleville
21-05-2010, 08:14 PM
Murphy walked with his dog every day all through the village, so everyone knew both Murphy and his dog.

One day Murphy is on his walk without the dog. Cronin sees Murphy and asks, "Where is your dog?"

Murphy answers, "I had to have him put down."

"Was he mad?", asks Cronin."

"He wasn't too pleased," says Murphy.




.

charleville
21-05-2010, 10:22 PM
"Another blizzard in New York. I saw a cop yesterday and he was up to his neck in snow.

I said, 'Wow, you're having a rough day.'

He said, 'Yeah, it's even rougher on my horse.'"



.

Donny Boy
22-05-2010, 08:41 AM
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young bloke carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' he says.
'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I've got no dough! 'I'm flat broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young bloke wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he says.
'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a f**king good appetite mate because they cut off my electricity this morning...... !!!"

"Tell me..........What part of 'flat broke' don't you understand?" :smiley:

sandman55
22-05-2010, 02:31 PM
A cowboy appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" Saint. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the biggest, toughest, and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"



Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"





"Couple of minutes ago."

charleville
23-05-2010, 02:57 PM
Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.



.

greenie61
24-05-2010, 06:10 AM
An old retired sailor named Vern puts on his uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!!'

groverwa
24-05-2010, 06:15 AM
The Happiest Day

Mike's friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever.

Food, booze, hookers, strippers, and great porn.

Mike's Dad was many sheets into the wind when he rose and asked for everyone's attention.

"I want to propose a toast to my son! Mike, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."

"But, Pop," Mike said, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow."

His dad replied, "Like I said, I'm glad to be here on the happiest day of your life!":lipsrsealed:

groverwa
26-05-2010, 12:45 PM
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.';D

groverwa
26-05-2010, 12:46 PM
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874

and

the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important.:-X :o

baitwaster
26-05-2010, 01:31 PM
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

]Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan


James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian

finga
27-05-2010, 10:40 AM
Australia Post created a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Mr Kevin Rudd, and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry finding. The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full
investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $9.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

Donny Boy
27-05-2010, 11:36 AM
Just did my good deed for the day......
After a fair bit of thought, I fostered an Illegal Immigrant..

All 4 cans hit him right in the back of the head..........::)

Donny Boy
27-05-2010, 04:06 PM
Lawyer's Wedding Night


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was .... God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the Lawyer, "but, why?"

"Hey; you're a Lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" :D

Donny Boy
27-05-2010, 04:07 PM
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

::)::)

Donny Boy
27-05-2010, 04:09 PM
A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

I tell ya ...she better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening. ;D

Chimo
27-05-2010, 08:54 PM
Yesterday I was at my local Aldi buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sadly Aldi has now banned me!

sandman55
27-05-2010, 11:59 PM
How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.




4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.



6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.





14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.



15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

charleville
28-05-2010, 03:46 AM
Paddy goes into a library, approached the assistant and asks her where he can find a book all about "Psycho The Rapist"

a bewildered assistant checks the computer system and searches for the book and gets 1 hit

so she goes back to Paddy and says "its called psychotherapist you idiot"



.

charleville
28-05-2010, 03:54 AM
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again.

Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.

Nothing happens.

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

finga
28-05-2010, 08:56 AM
John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 55c.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.

tinman42
29-05-2010, 08:19 AM
A 3rd grade teacher collected some well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to complete it. Their insight may surprise you…..

Better to be safe than ………….. Punch a 5th grader
Strike while the …………………. Bug is close
It’s always darkest before ……………. Daylight savings time
Never underestimate the power of ……………. Termites
You can lead a horse to water but ……………. How?
Don’t bite the hand that ………………….. Looks dirty
No news is ………………… impossible.
A miss is as good as a …………………………… Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new ………………. Maths.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll …………………….. Stink in the morning.
Love all, trust …………………… me
The pen is mightier than ………………………. Pigs
An idle mind is ……………………… the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke there is ……………………. Pollution
Happy the bride who ………………………………. Gets all the presents.
A penny saved is ……………………….. not much.
Two’s company but three’s …………………………. The musketeers
Don’t put off till tomorrow what …………….. you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and …………………… you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as ……………………………. Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not ………………….. spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed …………………….. get new batteries.
You get out of something ……………………… what you see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind …………………………….. get out of the way

tinman42
29-05-2010, 08:20 AM
30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Man
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no…… a flash headache
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you bought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it will grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won’t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don’t we skip straight to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It is a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you are supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

finga
31-05-2010, 11:12 AM
A Northern Territory man is drinking in a Brisbane pub when he gets a call on his phone...He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because his wife has just given birth to a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 lbs, but the Northern Territory man just shrugs,

"That's about average in The Territory, fella's...like I said - my boy's a typical Territory baby boy."

Two weeks later, the Territory man returns to the pub. The Publican asks,

"Say, you're the father of that baby that weighed 25 lbs at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks...so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The Publican is puzzled, and concerned.. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the Publican and proudly says,

Had him circumcised".

finga
31-05-2010, 11:14 AM
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

finga
31-05-2010, 11:16 AM
Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".


Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"


First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

PNG1M
31-05-2010, 02:01 PM
MANURE:




In the 16th and 17th centuries, many things were transported by ship.

This was before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were common.


It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed less than when wet.

BUT, once sea water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier but the process of fermentation began, of which METHANE GAS is a by-product.

As the manure was normally stored in large bundles below decks, you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and if someone happened to come below with a night lantern, BOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before they realized just what was happening.

From then on, the bundles of manure were stamped:


"SHIP HIGH IN TRANSIT”


This meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch the potentially volatile cargo and trigger the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term S.H.I.T. or Ship High In Transit which has come down through the centuries and is commonly used to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this everyday word. Neither did I...

I had always thought it was a term for knot failure.

PNG1M
31-05-2010, 03:02 PM
Bloke walks into a restaurant with his dog and they both sit at a table.

The manager comes out to protest about the dog being in the restaurant.

Manager: I'm sorry sir, but dogs are not allowed in the restaurant. You have to take him outside.

Bloke: But this dog is very special. He can talk, so he should be allowed to stay inside.

Manager: Oh, how ridiculous...there's no such thing as a talking dog.

Bloke: Well, see for yourself. Why don't you ask him a few questions?

Manager: Ooh, all right then... Now, what's the opposite of smooth?

Dog: RUFF

Manager: What's on the top of a house?

Dog: ROOF

Manager: What's on the outside of a tree?

Dog: BARK

Manager (a bit surprised and flustered): LOOK, I don't care! The answer is NO. You gotta take your dog outside...NOW!

The bloke and his dog stood up to leave and as they were approaching the door, the dog turned around and said,

"Did I get them all right?"

sleepygreg
31-05-2010, 09:12 PM
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as The whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that Killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the Ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million Pieces? That will be sweet revenge."


And the female agreed to this.So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew Enormous amounts of air under the ship.

The ship flew into the air and Crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still Alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the Sailors.

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,


(wait for it)


.

.

.

.

.

.

"Oh No... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

cormorant
02-06-2010, 12:46 AM
NEWS FLASH:

Brisbane Police reported finding a man's body floating in the Brisbane River, near the Story Bridge. The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excess alcohol consumption, combined with a drug overdose. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a “Rudd for PM in 2010” t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.











Police removed the Rudd t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Noelm
02-06-2010, 01:25 PM
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into KMart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance
[The KMart greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"


The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........
Are you blind or just stupid?
Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter . "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

samsnap
02-06-2010, 01:49 PM
Two Aussies, Davo & Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "turn the entire ocean into BEER - Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into 'the hard earned thirst' quencher.
The Geanie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of the beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo - now we're going to have to p!$$ in the Boat".
:) Sammy xx

finga
02-06-2010, 07:07 PM
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, How many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Very angry Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I already have one at home!!!

Chimo
02-06-2010, 07:54 PM
GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goat."

Jarrah Jack
02-06-2010, 09:25 PM
My neighbour found that her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear. She took it to the Vet.

The vet found that it was to do with the ears. The vet cleaned the ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet said that if you want to stop the problem then go to the chemist and buy some nair hair remover and rub it in the dogs ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and brought the nair. The pharmacist said if you are going to use it under the arms then don't use deodorant for a few days.

The lady said " I'm not using it under my arms"

Then he said if you are using it on you legs don't shave for a few days.

She replied " I'm not using it on my legs but if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer"

The pharmacist replied " Then stay off your bicycle for a week"

groverwa
02-06-2010, 10:58 PM
Mines downsizing due to new Super tax

groverwa
03-06-2010, 12:26 AM
A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin, Australia.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After become very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out an catch my own crocodiles, so I can get a pair of shoes for free."
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
So the blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home and pull over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge three-meter (nine feet!) croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the croc and hauls it onto the slimey banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more dead cros, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. As he watched, the blonde struggled and flipped the most recently demised croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out:
SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! This bastard's barefoot, too!";D :'(

Chimo
03-06-2010, 10:11 AM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative ; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was .... God, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the Lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a Lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

cormorant
03-06-2010, 05:51 PM
The Pope and Kevin Rudd are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.

The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said,"Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a
football match, but go deep into their hearts, and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand?

Show me."

So the Pope backhanded the self-important, pompous little bastard.

darrend65
04-06-2010, 09:28 AM
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba

mowerman
04-06-2010, 10:46 PM
When Rudd said he would stop the boats, he didn’t say he meant bulk-ore carriers.


.

wags on the water
06-06-2010, 05:58 PM
Federal Court Ruling from Australia:
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone. ;D ;D ;D

groverwa
06-06-2010, 08:42 PM
Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork,beef and sea kittens

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now.......;D

groverwa
06-06-2010, 09:14 PM
Wedding Telegram Text Jokes
if you think you may be offended,


please do not read.





The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal -



- a little bit of breast


- a little bit of leg


.... and a lot of stuffing!




Treat the bride like a new car,


go easy for the first 500!




Forecast for wedding...


Expected development of warm front, with extreme


turbulence and moisture in lower regions.


Good possibility of six inches overnight.


Sun(son) is expected later on!



Love is a thousand miles long but


comes in six inch instalments!



Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears,


roll her over gently and she'll last for many years!



If you don't want the stork to come,


shoot in the air!



Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride


through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route!



Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days,


or you will get a weak-end!



Take heed from those who know


Tie you nightie to your toes


Close your eyes - hold your nose


Then see how it goes!



Don't keep him in the dog house too often


or he might give his bone to the woman next door!



Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk!



We are curious to know why you both wanted to


borrow the black leather boots and bull whip?



Please remember that brandy makes you randy,


Whisky makes you frisky, but its a good stiff


Johnny Walker that makes you pregnant!



Don't spring on the inner-spring this Spring or


there will be an off-spring next Spring!



Sorry I cannot be at wedding... Please send me


a photo of Bride and Groom mounted!


These next two are for rugby fans.


Congratulations - rots of ruck - sideways is great!



Hope all your tries are not converted!


Confucious say man who sink into woman's arms


soon have arms in woman's sink!



Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers)


they stand behind everything they sell!



Remember Pearl Harbour... Have fun before the nips come!



A honeymoon should be like a table...


Four bare legs and no drawers!



I was engaged myself once.


To a contortionist.


But she broke it off!



Go west young man, get up the Darling as far as you can!



And the story of the man who called his son


Vendetta, because he always had it in for him!



The trouble with being the best man at


a wedding is that you never get to prove it!



The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father


and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"


His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"




Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...


Firstly, The Marriage Game,


Followed by, Great Temptation,


The Untouchables,


Mission Impossible,


The Time is Right,


Rawhide and Bonanza!



They were married on the cricket field,


that night they were quite wicket,


the bride said with a happy smile,


I'm sure this can't be cricket!

groverwa
07-06-2010, 07:51 AM
The Three bears


A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE ******* PORRIDGE YET!!!'

mowerman
10-06-2010, 08:01 PM
This is ourGovernment in action…

The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labor Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep farmers Association and Farming Association by the Federal Government and the NSW Forestry Service.

All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, ‘Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those dingo’s ain't f,ing our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.'


You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the NSW Forestry Service , the Greens and the other "tree huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".

.

groverwa
11-06-2010, 10:26 PM
With breathless anticipation the crowd awaits the unveiling of the Tony Abbott Statue.

Cheech
15-06-2010, 09:59 AM
With breathless anticipation the crowd awaits the unveiling of the Tony Abbott Statue.

I have seen this one before, but it was a Rudd statue. Here is another that has been doing the rounds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyWQqU12YxM

groverwa
15-06-2010, 04:07 PM
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went
to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was
very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

sparkyice
15-06-2010, 10:59 PM
" big butter jesus" is the nickname given to a huge statue of jesus a church in ohio, usa erected next to a major highway. it looks- er, looked, like a butter carving at the county fair.
lightning struck it and it burned down.
if you're interested, also click on the link to the song by haywood banks. it was written several years ago, and gives some background info.

http://videosift.com/video/Big-Butter-Jesus-Has-Burned-to-the-Ground

http://videosift.com/video/Big-Butter-Jesus-by-Heywood-Banks

Chimo
16-06-2010, 10:09 AM
Winter Exercise program...


Take one Weetbix.
Take an Aero chocolate bar.
Crumble the Aero over the Weetbix.
Voila!




AEROBIX !

PNG1M
16-06-2010, 04:11 PM
A big brown bear and a little white rabbit were both squatting behind a bush, having a crap in Yellowstone National Park.

The brown bear said, "Hey rabbit, tell me...do you have any problems with sh*t getting stuck to your fur?"

Rabbit says, "Nope, I don't have a problem with it."

Bear says, "That's good!"

Then he picks up the rabbit and wipes his bum with him.

PNG1M
16-06-2010, 04:32 PM
Thor got into trouble with the Gods and Zuess said he had to pay penance by going down to Earth and shagging a mortal woman all night long.

The condition was that he must tell the woman who he was.

So Thor went to earth and found a woman who happened to speak with a lisp.

He did the deed repeatedly for the whole night.

Next morning he sped back up to the Gods, but then realised he hadn't told the woman his name.

Thor zoomed straight back down to Earth and found the woman and announced to her in a booming voice...

"ME THOR..!"

She replied, "You thor? Me thor too! Me tho thor I can hardly p*th"

finga
17-06-2010, 08:26 AM
A male patient is lying in bed and wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

Chimo
18-06-2010, 09:09 PM
"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Chimo
18-06-2010, 09:14 PM
AUSTRALIAN WAY

No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling!

It just all depends on how you look at same things.

Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in southern Queensland ’s, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime Minister Kevin Rudd great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889.

Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle. Remus Rudd:

Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


NOW That’s how it's done, Folks!

That's real POLITICAL SPIN

URAGANGI
18-06-2010, 09:55 PM
How do you make blonds clap hands????? Tell them to jump!!!!!
How do you make them stand on their heads???? Tell them to roll over.
How do you make them beg???? Tell them to sit.
Well how do get a blond to sing then??? Easy just take her home!!!

::) ;D ::) Oh ohh.

themissus
19-06-2010, 09:34 PM
Why are women so crap at skiing?



Because there's no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

groverwa
23-06-2010, 11:23 AM
kev 07 museum


It has happened

shrunken pojie
23-06-2010, 01:25 PM
Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.

Fook off say's Mick,
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

GES
23-06-2010, 10:19 PM
THE ITALIAN SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Melbourne, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.


At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married
to the same woman all those years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,
'Well, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded,
'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied,
" I gonna go pick her up."

GES

finga
24-06-2010, 07:45 AM
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Black_Rat
25-06-2010, 05:48 PM
O' dear ;D ;D ;D

Chimo
25-06-2010, 08:30 PM
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, the n give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

LOUIE
26-06-2010, 04:23 PM
Two builders, (Dave and Stuart), are seated either side of a table in a pub
when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the
bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Dave: - Er ...... mmm ..... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very
often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a ######

groverwa
26-06-2010, 06:17 PM
A couple was celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one, 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones too.";D

groverwa
26-06-2010, 07:46 PM
What did I do to deserve that??

charleville
27-06-2010, 05:16 PM
Did you know my wife went to a self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It’s called On and On Anon.


;D



.

castlemaine
27-06-2010, 07:09 PM
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this September from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary, Abdullah Amir, told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive, Osama bin Laden, explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace."

"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting pension benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England , Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas
anyway."

A strike may not be necessary, however, as the number of suicide bombings has been decreasing lately. This has been attributed to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

groverwa
28-06-2010, 06:56 PM
Going to work

finga
30-06-2010, 06:22 PM
In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without substance
And the darkness was on the face of the employees
And they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of sh!t and it stinks"
And the employees went unto their supervisor, saying
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof"
And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it"
And the managers went unto their division managers, saying
"It is a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide its strength"
And the division managers went unto their system managers, saying
"It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong"
And the system managers went unto the general manager, saying
"It promotes growth and is very powerful"
And the general manager went unto the board, saying
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organisation!"
And the board looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good
And the Plan became policy!

This is how sh!t happens.

sparkyice
30-06-2010, 10:54 PM
BP announced today that they placed a wedding ring around the leaking oil pipe in the gulf of mexico, and it immediatley stopped putting out.

groverwa
01-07-2010, 04:10 PM
The 10 Best Caddy Replies
# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

finga
02-07-2010, 07:22 AM
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

finga
02-07-2010, 08:09 AM
Oops. Double post :-[

groverwa
02-07-2010, 10:06 AM
Just A Weee Bit...

An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
"They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the farmer. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The Scotsman dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.
So the Scotsman did.
The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.":-X ;D

sparkyice
02-07-2010, 02:16 PM
i was having a drink at the pub with a darling young lass, and feeling a bit bold, said to her " say, darling, i sure would like a little..." ( i then leaned over and wispered something in her ear).
she turned, smiled at me and said " me too! mine's as big as a hat!"

groverwa
03-07-2010, 05:01 AM
Great White Dining Tip No. 1

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to his son shark and they swam to the ship.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"

finga
04-07-2010, 05:29 PM
Kevin Rudd goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the Australian Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.'

The Australian Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Kevin shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Emissions Trading and get a face job for Julia or help the elderly'.

The Australian Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take the risk.'

finga
06-07-2010, 10:47 AM
On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffeured to
Parliament House.

It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen over.
As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that someone
has "peed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense spared" and
to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ......"our
investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good news,
bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......"We spent
$5 million dollars on the investigation and have come to a successful
result."

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne
Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief. Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what
is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..." It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".

cormorant
07-07-2010, 04:35 PM
THE JOYS OF CHILDREN

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN

Test 1: Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help themselves.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
11. Go to work and be productive.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going For a Walk
* Wait.
* Go out the front door.
* Come back in again.
* Go out.
* Come back in again.
* Go out again.
* Walk down the front path.
* Walk back up it.
* Walk down it again.
* Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
* Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
* Retrace your steps.
* Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
* Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10: TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11: Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

groverwa
07-07-2010, 08:45 PM
ZEN Teachings
1 Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are many arguments for reasoning with women. None of them work.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our #### .... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

groverwa
08-07-2010, 06:03 PM
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight -- starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her “Pussycat.” The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don't forget to wash her. She stinks.” He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband “El Cheap-O,” and my husband calls the vet “El Charge-O.” They love to hate each other and constantly “snipe” at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building and next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in. Obviously he had seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, ”Your wife's p#ssy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!”
Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even! ;D

groverwa
09-07-2010, 10:22 AM
Socrates was poisoned, Caesar stabbed, Joan of Arc burnt at the stake, Lincoln and Kennedy shot.

Rudd was Gillartined.;D

Chimo
09-07-2010, 01:01 PM
A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...
“Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.


The End

charleville
09-07-2010, 06:36 PM
A young bloke walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.

The younger bloke says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"

The old man responds, "I've got some new kittens in that there sack."

The younger bloke asks, "If I guess how many kittens you got in the sack, can I keep one?"

The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many kittens I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!


.

groverwa
11-07-2010, 08:06 AM
Wisdom That Comes With Age
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement
in peace and contentment. Then the new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful after-
school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every
trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day
after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to
take some action.

The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping
them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you
express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when
I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a
dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your
thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the
trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really
putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on,
I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't
received my Pension cheque yet, so I'm not going to be able
to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy 25 cents?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to waste our time, beating these cans around for 25 cents,
you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the wise old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of
his days.;D

finga
12-07-2010, 09:25 AM
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)
Although his English was far from perfect,and they got along very well. (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)
One day he rushed into a lawyer's officeand asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)
The lawyer said that getting a divorcewould depend on the circumstances,and asked him the following questions: (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom.I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover' (http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/enjoythemasti)

Chimo
12-07-2010, 05:02 PM
Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.





Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving. '





The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.





'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Julia.





Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.


'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.




The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '



'What on earth did you say? 'asks Julia.



'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:



'I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

littlejim
12-07-2010, 06:15 PM
SCARE AT NSW STATE OF ORIGIN TRAINING:



Pre game training for the NSW 2010 state of origin team in Sydney was
delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported
finding
an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially officials thought it was a prank.

The Coach immediately suspended training, while police and ASIO were
called
to investigate.

After a complete analysis, NSW Police forensic experts flew to the
scene
and determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the
players,
was in fact, the try line.

Practice was resumed this afternoon after Police & ASIO decided the
team
was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

groverwa
12-07-2010, 09:53 PM
Confused!
I became very confused when I heardthe word "service" used with these:

Tax Office 'Service'
Australian Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
CableTV'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Public Transport 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of themsaid he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those people are doing to us.

finga
13-07-2010, 08:18 AM
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy smoke,” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

hellboy
13-07-2010, 09:01 AM
Paddy tells Mick …..
He's thinking of buying a labrador.

“What!”say's Mick, “ Are you mad???!!!!”
“Have you seen how many of their owners go blind??”

finga
14-07-2010, 08:41 AM
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, bringsthe two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her,she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return,out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head.'

groverwa
15-07-2010, 04:11 AM
Medical Terminology

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." ;D

finga
15-07-2010, 12:54 PM
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died.
I'm married to his bloody widow."

BGG
15-07-2010, 07:36 PM
A Poem for the Girls

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue
Then I turned around andsmacked the sh#t out of him....

Like his mother used to do.

groverwa
16-07-2010, 01:21 PM
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.


She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.


Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".:D ;D

charleville
16-07-2010, 01:43 PM
One day Osama Bin Laden went to a fortuneteller and asked her "When will I die?"

She replied, "You will die on an American holiday."

So he asks, "Which American holiday?"

She says, "It doesn’t matter. When you die it will be an American holiday."


;D ;D ;D


.

shrunken pojie
16-07-2010, 04:16 PM
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Chimo
16-07-2010, 07:46 PM
Global Facts Regarding Sex

At Any Given Moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex –(right now!)

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person (Finga) is reading Chatboards or watching vegetables (Bilge confession)

You hang in there, Sunshine ........

groverwa
17-07-2010, 12:42 AM
The brown paper cowboy

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone'sattention.

"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat,a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paperboots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy

"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.;D ;D

finga
19-07-2010, 09:15 AM
A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE'S BEEN LOCKED UP FOR 15YRS.
HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS. INSIDE, HE FINDS A COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF THE BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR.
WHILE TYING THE HOMEOWNER'S WIFE TO THE BED, THE CONVICT GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES TO THE BATHROOM.

WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND WHISPERS OVER TO HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS
GUY IS AN ESCAPED CONVICT. LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE HAS PROBABLY SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN... DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS OBVIOUSLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE COULD KILL US BOTH. BE STRONG, HONEY. "I LOVE YOU!"

HIS WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME THAT HE'S GAY , THINKS YOU'RE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG PETER (for you Chimo). "I LOVE YOU TOO!"

There you go. Some pay back Peter :)

Donny Boy
19-07-2010, 01:37 PM
Deuce.........nice return of serve Scotty.

And with no malice intended..........."New Balls Please !!"

Chimo
19-07-2010, 03:43 PM
A case for pissing and moaning

Finga phoned his telephone company to report that his telephone failed to ring when his friends called - and strangely, on the few occasions when it did ring, his pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly Finga.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman checked with his multi-meter and found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a metal chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, and thus cause the phone to ring.

…which proves that sometimes, some problems CAN be fixed just by pissing and moaning

So mate what your saying sounds totally reasonable... Time to up the medication.

talk soon:-*

Cheers
Chimo

finga
19-07-2010, 04:38 PM
Peter Chimo checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ...

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically,'But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued,Peter Chimo located the machine, inserted 15.00 Yenand stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later Peter pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, 20.00 Yen'.
'Why not?' thought Peter. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled outhis hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,
'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.'

Peter looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..

With trembling hands, poor Peter was able to withdraw his tender unit...
...which now had a button sewn neatly on the end....

The End


So I suppose poor Peter's pecker pipe needed some picking before he could pee perfectly.

Oii Peter. Do I still get the nice fruit cake when I come down?? ::)

groverwa
19-07-2010, 09:54 PM
Three Little Pigs



Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.


'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy..


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'


You're gonnaLOVE me for this....







The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home! ;D ;D :o

groverwa
21-07-2010, 09:12 PM
If you don't laugh at this one, you're dead!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors..

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!':o ::)

sparkyice
21-07-2010, 09:41 PM
i bought some used paint.
it was shaped like a house.

Jarrah Jack
21-07-2010, 10:12 PM
Finga now a senior citizen, goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the Doc enters the examination room he says

" I will need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample"

Being hard of hearing Finga asks his wife what was said.

The wife yells back to him





"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR'

joelmennie
23-07-2010, 12:40 PM
whats the difference between australia and mcdonalds???


NOTHING THEY ARE BOTH RUN BY RED HEADED CLOWNS!!!:P

purnong
23-07-2010, 08:58 PM
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.. “Who’s fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and

a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

datamile
24-07-2010, 07:58 AM
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

“Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf
and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

finga
24-07-2010, 05:41 PM
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered, around her trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused so one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bedside she again held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you pass on to a better place."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said "Don't sell that cow!"

Fatenhappy
27-07-2010, 10:42 PM
Speaking of which ...


An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi ....

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk ..... you stupid Australian."

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi : (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar!!! ....

Defore
28-07-2010, 08:39 AM
Paddy walks into the vet carrying his goldfish in a fish bowl.
He tells the vet that the fish has epilepsy.
The vet looks in the bowl at the fish and says "it looks calm enough".
Paddy says " I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet"

baitwaster
28-07-2010, 10:49 AM
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them

His wise father replied, "Because they taste horrible if you don't get the crap out of them"

charleville
29-07-2010, 08:40 AM
Two mad keen Mud Island fisherman go out on a sub-freezing winter's night competing in the R2M.

They anchor up in a favourite spot, bait their hooks and throw the lines in.

They wait. An hour passes. Nothing. Two hours pass. Still, not even a nibble.

The two men, nearly frozen stiff and very disappointed, are about to leave.

Then a small boy anchors just a few metres away from them.

The two men watch as he tossed in the line. They shake their heads.

But, almost immediately, the boy pulls out a fish.

"Fluke!", says one man to the other.

After a few minutes, the boy has another fish. Then another. Then another. And so on.

The two men's disappointment turns to jealousy and bewilderment.

They motor over the the boy, still reeling in fish at an amazing rate.

"Hey kid," says one man. "We've been freezing out bums off for two hours without a nibble. How come you're getting all those fish ?"

The boy mumbles something in reply.

"Speak up kid, I can't hear you".

The boy covers his mouth with his hand then, after a few seconds, turns to face the men.

The boy says "You gotta keep the mullet gut warm".


.

charleville
29-07-2010, 08:48 AM
An Irishman went to the Registry office, and said he wanted to change his name. They asked him what his name was.

He said "Michael Ramsbottom"

When they asked him what he wanted it changed to, he said "Eric"


.

Jarrah Jack
29-07-2010, 10:04 AM
Medical Records

1.

The skin was moist and dry.
2.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
3.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
4.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
5.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
6.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
7.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
8.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
9.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
10.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
11.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
12.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
13.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)
14.

She is numb from her toes down.
15.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)
16.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)
18.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
20.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
21.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.
22.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
23.

We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.
24.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
25.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
26.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
27.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
28.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
29.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
30.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
31.

The patient refused an autopsy.
32.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
33.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
34.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
35.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
36.

The patient had a rash over his truck.

_________________
Cheers

finga
29-07-2010, 07:30 PM
Jarrah Jack got his son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got his daughter an iPod for hers, and he was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought him an iPad for father’s day.
He got his wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......

;D another name crossed off the hit list

sparkyice
30-07-2010, 01:25 AM
a brand new iRon...:-?

it took me a few minutes, but i've been chuckling about it all morning!:D

STUIE63
30-07-2010, 11:40 AM
Friends Paris and Clare are sitting down at a classy cafe in South Yarra waiting to order a coffee.
Clare asks Paris 'So i'm curious. Why did your parents call you Paris?'

Paris 'Well my parents met travelling along the French Riviera. They caught each others eyes on the ferry and it was love at first sight, it was so romantic. On that very same night they went back to the hotel my father was staying at and that's where I was conceived.'

Clare's eyes go wide at this revelation 'Wow Paris that's incredible! You will never believe this but my father was a travelling musician in Ireland and he met my mother at a hostel in County Clare! It was also love at first sight. I was conceived there and named accordingly. They've been in love ever since!'

Paris is amazed at this bizarre co-incidence she is about to open her mouth to speak when the waiter approaches the table and interrupts them

'Hello Ladies! My names 'Dumpster behind Hooters' and I'll be your waiter for this evening'

groverwa
31-07-2010, 09:48 AM
Love Poem of the South

Susie Lee done fell in love
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so

Pappy told her, Susie gal
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know
But Joe is yo' half brother

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell your Mother
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brothers

But Mama knew and said my child
Just do what makes yo' happy
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.:-X :o

groverwa
01-08-2010, 01:12 PM
According to CNN news last night Spidermans marriage has broken down.

It's said that he ignored his wife and spent too much time on the web.::) ;D

charleville
03-08-2010, 01:42 AM
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'


;D ;D ;D


.

charleville
03-08-2010, 01:47 AM
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

;D ;D ;D


.

finga
04-08-2010, 04:45 PM
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the Pajero, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started.....

Camhawk88
04-08-2010, 04:56 PM
Wow over 200 pages and 3000 posts:o- do you think there is a case for having a joke forum in its own right? Bit hard to scroll through this many pages to find a joke you cant remember the punchline to.
What about it Mod? Just a suggestion.

finga
04-08-2010, 05:46 PM
Wow over 200 pages and 3000 posts:o- do you think there is a case for having a joke forum in its own right? Bit hard to scroll through this many pages to find a joke you cant remember the punchline to.
What about it Mod? Just a suggestion.
What would you put as the title for each joke??
Here's a joke...or.....here's a joke....or.... here's a joke....or....joke for youse.
Every thread would sound just like the forum section is called ie joke of the day.

Easy enough to scroll through them here if you have some time.

Lucky_Phill
04-08-2010, 05:51 PM
Wow over 200 pages and 3000 posts:o- do you think there is a case for having a joke forum in its own right? Bit hard to scroll through this many pages to find a joke you cant remember the punchline to.
What about it Mod? Just a suggestion.


Try amazingjokes.com


lotsa headings there.


LP.
.
.
.
.
.

Chimo
04-08-2010, 07:57 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qub4lWT6GNk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qub4lWT6GNk)

or maybe this should go into the Election Section?

C
C

Camhawk88
05-08-2010, 01:38 PM
What would you put as the title for each joke??
Here's a joke...or.....here's a joke....or.... here's a joke....or....joke for youse.
Every thread would sound just like the forum section is called ie joke of the day.

Easy enough to scroll through them here if you have some time.

Im sure someone with a little imagination can come up with a title-
Little Jonny, The Vietnam Vet, a pommie walked into the bar etc.
Really don't think that is much of a problem Finga, in fact there are a couple of other fishing sites that do this and not once have I seen a title 'here's a joke'

Given the number of posts on this thread I don't think it was an unusal suggestion and without having read all of the posts, i am suprised if it hasn't already been suggested. Then again I guess some of us don't have the time to sit at their computer and read 3000 odd posts.

Anyway as I have not read all the posts I will take a punt here and contribute a joke of my own in hope that it hasn't already been posted multiple times.

And for you Finga, I will also give it a title, I will call this joke 'Right on Time'

A guy enters a bar and sees a stunner sitting at the bar sipping a Cosmo.
He pulls up a chair next to her, orders a beer and then starts looking at his watch regularly and now and again having a fiddle with it.
After a couple of minutes, the stunner asks " Are you waiting for someone?"

'No, I have this new state of the art watch and Im just getting used to it'

"Wow a state of the art watch? What does it do that a normal watch can't?" she asks.

Well, he says, it can tell me things telepathicaly such as the time, where the nearest police radar is or even what someone is hidding.

A bit sceptical the stunner asks " well can it tell you what I'm hidding?"
He waits a second then says- 'It tells me you aren't wearing any panties.'

she laughs and blushes a bit and says "Well I can tell you I am wearing panties"

The bloke just shakes his head, taps his watch and says-
'Bloody thing is an hour fast'

Kero
05-08-2010, 08:43 PM
The spoon:


A lesson on how consultants can make adifference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange.When the busboy brought our water and utensils,I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequentlydropped utensil.It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hangingout of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you havethat string right there?'


'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.'Not everyone is so observant.That consulting firm I mentioned also learnedthat we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what,we can pull it out without touching it and eliminatethe need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'


I asked quietly,'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others,but I use the spoon.'

finga
06-08-2010, 08:10 AM
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.


When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."


The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you limpwrists aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

Camhawk88
06-08-2010, 11:21 AM
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack
of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?"
her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money
to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and
says,
"For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some
underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the
tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies,
"I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his
pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go buy yourself
some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also
takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under
it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love
'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

sparkyice
07-08-2010, 03:28 AM
two hillbilllies walking down a hot dusty road meet up.
"why, how do, neighbor" the big one says.
"howdy do yoself, jimbob" say ta other one.
they walk along towards town, talking bout pigs and moonshine and such, and billy joe pulls up short, looks at jimbob, wrinkles up his nose and asks" jimbob, you just sh!t yoself?"
"what? he!! no! whas wrong wit you fer askin a question like that?

they continued on a bit, and billy joe just can't stand it. he asks again "whats that strench, man? you sure you didn't just sh!t yoself ?"
again, jimbob denies the accusation.

this repeats several times over the next few miles.
billyjoe just can't take it any more.
he insists jimbob drop his drawers and turn around for inspection.

billy bob complies, as jimbob is a much larger man.

GOOD LAWD JIMBOB, YOU'RE JUST COVERED IN IT!! WHAT'S WRONG WIT YOU? I AXED YOU A DOZEN TIMES IF YOU JUST SH! YOSELF, AND EACH TIME YOU SAYS NO!!!
"well", billybob meekly says, "when you axed if i just sh!t myself, i thought you meant TODAY !"

groverwa
09-08-2010, 02:45 PM
Golf Story

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."

groverwa
10-08-2010, 08:46 PM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men:o >:(

aussiebasser
11-08-2010, 11:44 AM
Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the Church association dinner last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

finga
11-08-2010, 06:31 PM
At the end of the tax year, the ATO [Australian Tax Office] sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the ATO agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question .
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the ATO Office, and about once a year they send us a complete doodle."

Xahn1960
12-08-2010, 05:15 PM
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello !' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me ? Hello !'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello ! Is anyone down there ?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
“VOTE FOR GILLARD”
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God ! At least Dopey is still alive ! '

Jarrah Jack
15-08-2010, 12:27 PM
The reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland ... One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said,

'Oh well you might as well finish then._________________

Xahn1960
15-08-2010, 06:05 PM
A Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack, and had immediate lifesaving open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a weak voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you with the cost?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated, and said loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

curalo
16-08-2010, 10:20 PM
All I want from my government is to have my mail delivered on time

groverwa
17-08-2010, 06:36 AM
Giving Up Wine

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her purse, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told her.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend the on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," the woman said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out to dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
"That's okay," said the woman. "It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

groverwa
17-08-2010, 07:21 PM
The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.


..

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people

got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.


http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/mhtml:{C2AB7EDC-E068-403A-B29A-0D06869C2B59}mid://00000006/!x-usc:cid:827D53F194E442338B1EA0B4714759E5@sgdfgsPC


It also works at Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours.


At the Laundry, three minutes after entering,
I had my choice of any machine, most still running.


Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!...:'(

pescados
18-08-2010, 02:16 PM
Re imigration investigation, Nice one lol.

Coddie
18-08-2010, 03:32 PM
GOLFER'S HONEYMOON

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!'

dreemon
19-08-2010, 07:02 AM
What do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen?



Don't take her out anymore,:P

groverwa
22-08-2010, 08:52 PM
Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a medical t.v. show, I have found inner peace. It's true.

A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Punglies, that mainder of bot Prozic and Alum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box of choclits. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel! Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis. :o ;D

snasman
23-08-2010, 01:17 PM
Dear Australian Labourites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Jullia Gillard, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the labour judges and the CFMEU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers and Kerry O'Brien. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you ABC and Bollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone free healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and "The National Anthem." I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
Law Student and an Australian

P.S. Also, please take Lindsey Tanner, Wayne Swan, Peter Garrett and Jenny Macklin with you.

P. P. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

cormorant
24-08-2010, 11:40 AM
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


/////





A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD' ?'



Granny replies, forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!!'



////


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband,



'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!'



He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'



////






Wife gets naked & asks hubby,



'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'

sparkyice
25-08-2010, 04:12 AM
here's a good one to teach your sister's little boys next time you have them out fishing.
instruct them to hold the tip of their tounge between their thumb and forfinger and repeat the words " I was born on a pirate ship", "you're just a big pirate ship", and so forth.
remind them to show their mom after you drop them off.

samsnap
25-08-2010, 08:56 AM
HeeHee- forgot about that one sparky - an oldy but a goldie! Got to go find me some kids now :) mmmmm - may use it on some little pirate at the boat show this week end Lol
Sammy xx

Donny Boy
25-08-2010, 08:32 PM
Two blokes are adrift in a lifeboat.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears.

Seeing their dire situation, the genie figures he can get away with granting only one wish, and tells them so.

"What ?? ......Just one?" the lamp finder says.

"Just one," the genie confirms.

"I've always known what my one wish would be if I got it," the man says: "Turn the entire ocean into XXXX Gold !"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second bloke turns to the first and says, "Nice going, mate!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

:o:o:o

Xahn1960
25-08-2010, 09:01 PM
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No! no! mate, where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed

"Listen," says the collector.. "You're misunderstanding me.

"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having fun wirra wife's sista!"

groverwa
27-08-2010, 06:50 AM
Little Mary Margaret (with help from Little Johnny)
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" the Nun asked.
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question ... "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted: "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
That's when the Nun fainted...

Defore
27-08-2010, 12:01 PM
An Iraqi patrol is crossing the desert when they hear an Australian voice call out from behind a sand dune "One Aussie can beat Five Iraqi"
The commander picks five of his men and send them to get the Aussie.
There is a lot of screaming, yelling and gunfire, then silence.
The Australian voice calls out from behind a sand dune "One Aussie can beat Ten Iraqi"
The Iraqi commander is irate and picks ten of his best men to get the Aussie.
More screaming, yelling and gunfire, then silence.
The Australian voice calls out from behind a sand dune "One Aussie can beat a Hundred Iraqi"
The commander picks a hundred men and send them in.
It sounds like a massive battle, goes for fifteen minutes, then silence.
The Australian voice calls out from behind a sand dune "One Aussie can beat a Thousand Iraqi"
The commander is fuming and begins to pick men to send after the Aussie, when he sees a lone Iraqi crawling from the sand dune towards him.
The commander rushes to this survivor and asked him what happened.
The survivor tells him it was a trap, there were two Aussies.

Member101
27-08-2010, 05:34 PM
Nice one Defore. That should be a tribute to our fallen men and women in combat.

And a warning to anyone else...

Steve

charleville
28-08-2010, 12:21 AM
Top o' the mornin' to ya

You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".

Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, so this Virus works on the honour system.

Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Tank you for your cooperation.

Paddy

;D ;D ;D

.

SIRO
02-09-2010, 09:15 PM
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

charleville
03-09-2010, 07:17 PM
"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?"


"Names."



;D ;D ;D


.

sparkyice
03-09-2010, 08:55 PM
what do you you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

"Bob"

charleville
04-09-2010, 02:45 PM
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D




.

groverwa
04-09-2010, 11:38 PM
Does Wine make you Fat?



Wine does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN...
Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people

sparkyice
06-09-2010, 08:49 PM
what do you call a man with no arms or legs in a museum?

"Art"

charleville
08-09-2010, 06:45 PM
Latest news reports advise that a cell of four terrorists has been operating in the West Tallaght area of Dublin.

Gardaí advised earlier today that three of the four have already been detained. The District Garda Commissioner stated that the terrorists: Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have all been arrested on immigration issues.

The police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member : Bin Workin, in the area. Gardaí are however, confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be extremely easy to spot in the community.


.

charleville
08-09-2010, 06:50 PM
So these two Dublin lads, Shay and Jimmy, are lost in the Sahara desert. They're only desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see, and Shay asks if they can buy some water.

"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."

So off they go to the next stall and this time Jimmy asks for some water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."

"Custard???? Custard????" Shay says to Jimmy. "What kinda *&^%#@ place is this?"

By now totally desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."

Hearing this, Jimmy turns to Shay and says, "Janey mac - this is a trifle bazaar."


.

charleville
08-09-2010, 06:54 PM
"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady.

"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy.

"She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."


.

Corinn
08-09-2010, 06:56 PM
My wife accompanied me when I went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, she found a hairstyle that she liked and asked the receptionist if she could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Please leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card."

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," my wife ex...plained.

"Yes," the receptionist replied, "but I need something you'll come back for."

Chimo
08-09-2010, 07:31 PM
Julia Gillard met with the Queen in England.

She asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?

Are there any tips you can give to me?”

Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Julia frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”

David Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen

Julia went back home to Australia and asked Wayne Swan, her Deputy Prime Minister the same question.

“Wayne, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Wayne. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ended up in the men’s room and recognized Tony Abbott’s shoes in the next stall.

Wayne asked, “Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and Father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Tony yelled back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”Wayne smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Julia.

“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Tony Abbott”

Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into his face, “No, you idiot!

It’s the English Prime Minister, David Cameron!”:'(

Jarrah Jack
10-09-2010, 01:07 PM
CRICKET RESULTS.....

The latest cricket results just came to hand. The one day match between Pakistan and England with England winning 255 to 195..

A spokesman for the ICC was happy to announce that after a thorough investigation it could find no evidence of match fixing.





The match is scheluled to begin on the 21st of September.

Chimo
13-09-2010, 10:33 AM
Mick is walking past Paddy's farm one evening when he hears seductive music coming from the barn.
He looks through the window to see Paddy dancing and stripping off

Bejaysus Paddy, what are you doing ?" says Mick

It's not what you think" says Paddy "me and the wife have been drifting apart lately so I went to see one of those counsellors and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor

Chimo
13-09-2010, 01:52 PM
THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

groverwa
13-09-2010, 09:38 PM
Horrid Feeling

groverwa
16-09-2010, 07:49 PM
SENIOR DRESS CODE


Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.


Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:


1. A nose ring and bifocals


2.. Spiked hair and bald spots


3. A pierced tongue and dentures


4. Miniskirts and support hose


5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads


6. Speedo's and cellulite


7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar


8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor


9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge


10. Bikinis and liver spots


11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

mangomick
17-09-2010, 08:37 AM
Got this email this morning

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket... Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?