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Lancair
05-11-2009, 05:42 AM
In 1923, Who Was:


1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?


These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..
Now, 86 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide


However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the
most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.


The Moral:
F#ck work.
Play golf.

mowerman
05-11-2009, 04:11 PM
An aged man goes for a physical.

All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'Bert, everything looks great.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with God?'

Bert replies, 'God and I are tight.

He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,*poof*!, the light goes on.

When I'm done, *poof*!!, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife.

'Joan,' he says, "'Bert is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*!! the light goes off?'"

'OH MY GAWD!' Joan exclaims.

" He's pissing in the Fridge again "


.

mowerman
05-11-2009, 04:13 PM
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife', she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'


Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob - Women like that are hard to find.'


.

mowerman
05-11-2009, 04:22 PM
Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks," instructed the doctor. "The time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs.!
"Why, that's amazing!", said the doctor. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded. "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No! From the fookin' skippin'!!"


.

mowerman
05-11-2009, 04:45 PM
This is worrying

Beer contains female hormones
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a
Recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.


.

Xahn1960
05-11-2009, 05:27 PM
Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers ('pullets')
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for
cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year,
the bells are not always audible.

aussiebasser
06-11-2009, 10:05 AM
Anna Bligh was being chauffer driven around the Traveston Dam site when a cow wandered onto the road. The chauffer couldn’t avoid the cow and hit it. Anna said “You were driving, get out and check it.” He comes back and said “It’s dead, but it was a very old cow.” Anna says “You were driving, you go and find the owner and tell him.” An hour later he came back half dressed, half drunk with his hair all messed up. Anna says “What happened?” He says “Well, when I told him the farmer opened his best bottle of scotch and his wife cooked me a beautiful roast and his daughter made wild passionate love to me.” Anna says, “What did you tell them?” and the chauffer says, “I knocked on the door and told them I was Anna Bligh’s chauffer and I’d just killed the old cow!”

mowerman
07-11-2009, 04:30 PM
What do you get when you cross a rottweiler with a chicken?

A rottweiler.



.

Xahn1960
07-11-2009, 10:10 PM
Lizard Birth
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaim ed. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the
best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my on holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor... In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You
see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just, just . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face... 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little .. ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!

Chimo
09-11-2009, 11:32 AM
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence,"says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."

Chimo
09-11-2009, 11:33 AM
The Maraschino Cherry

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'

'No, what?' replied the man.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy.
'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'

groverwa
09-11-2009, 10:01 PM
no name country

STUIE63
09-11-2009, 10:07 PM
that is a classic Mike
Stuie

groverwa
09-11-2009, 10:22 PM
It was a good find from a similar warped twisted mind - and I have a no name daughter in law who lives just up the road from you

Mike

sleepygreg
09-11-2009, 11:22 PM
A British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and gentlementhis is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!',

One Irish passenger yelled, ,
'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'

Lancair
10-11-2009, 05:08 PM
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their
pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all
around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no
sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A
lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was
strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the
fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken
glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back
door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,
looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something
serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over
the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and
walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas,
reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..

He looked at herbewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me
what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was hisincredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

Scott nthQld
10-11-2009, 05:41 PM
yeah, but now she's got to clean it all up, how stupid is she?

Axl
11-11-2009, 01:17 AM
'Hal lo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'


'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command. .’

Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.


'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

Saints preserve us says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

coucho
12-11-2009, 12:16 PM
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and
one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

coucho
12-11-2009, 12:16 PM
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection,
I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried
really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no
problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just
one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

Chimo
15-11-2009, 10:36 AM
MIXED EMOTIONS



A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a
bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad
at the same time."

She said, "You have a bigger pen$s than all of all your mates."

Kero
16-11-2009, 03:58 PM
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop. So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex. Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?


The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wildlook in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen beforeIn the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming

'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

deckstar
18-11-2009, 11:38 AM
Australia Post had to recall all of there Anna Bligh stamps as they were not sticking to the envelopes...

on further inspection they found people were spitting on the front instead of the back.

greenie61
18-11-2009, 07:25 PM
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet
didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his
mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding
with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple
hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them
as the vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and
Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When It was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in
a boastful voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a towel!'

greenie61
19-11-2009, 04:52 PM
The Irish wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.

TimiBoy
19-11-2009, 05:24 PM
This one is a ripper! ;D;D;D;D

http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/showthread.php?t=157478

Cheers,

Tim

gtphantom
19-11-2009, 06:46 PM
1111111111THE LAWNMOWER "

If you need a good laugh read the following. He tells it like it is without cursing.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all...

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.

God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow...

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.<SPAN lang=EN-US>

groverwa
20-11-2009, 08:45 AM
Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson,
my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately
and myfavourite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favourite politician is Kevin Rudd.

Regards

Chimo
25-11-2009, 06:26 AM
THE BLIND CASHIER
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bent down to pick up the card, she accidentally passed wind.
She was embarrassed by this but said nothing hoping no one noticed.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44.
How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

Chimo
25-11-2009, 09:43 AM
The Missionary

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest... He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

coucho
25-11-2009, 09:50 AM
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t * ts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Chimo
26-11-2009, 08:46 PM
Joe's Operation

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache.. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought,'That's what I need .. A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' ' Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS!

coucho
27-11-2009, 08:05 AM
Calling all math geniuses to try this and prove the logic...
The mother is 21 years older than the child. In 6 years from now the
mother will be 5 times as old as the child.
Question : Where's the father?
Try first, before you check the answer below!

???????



















Solution
The mother is 21 years older than the child.
M = C + 21
In 6 years from now the mother will be 5 times as old as the child.
M + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
Hence! ,
C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
-3 = 4C
C = -3/4
The child is -3/4 years old, it'll be born in 9 months.
Right now, the father is on top of the mother

groverwa
27-11-2009, 09:49 AM
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories. Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Emily. Jack, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Jayne. Aunty Jayne was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunty Jayne when she's been on the piss. '

thatsakeeper
29-11-2009, 01:19 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAOq99LdsoY

Chimo
30-11-2009, 11:32 AM
TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him..

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

mowerman
30-11-2009, 04:24 PM
-- ATLANTA AIRPORT - You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey"

for us "


.

robersl
01-12-2009, 03:53 PM
https://webmail03.dodo.com.au/download.php?sid={4B14ADBE040CD-4B14ADBE067BE-1259646398}&tid=&lid=5&folder=inbox&ix=1&bound=LS0tLS0tPV9OZXh0UGFydF8wMDBfMDA3NV8wMUNBNzI1 MC5BOTZDNTYwMA==&part=1&filename=image001.jpg&cache=true
before marraige

baitwaster
03-12-2009, 08:05 AM
kids Are Quick

____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

justjack
03-12-2009, 12:07 PM
not so much a joke with a punch line but a funny funny skit, trust me lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErtzR5m1mjM

sparkyice
03-12-2009, 10:15 PM
tiger swung for a hole-in-one, but he shanked it into the bush

groverwa
04-12-2009, 09:12 AM
A Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,

The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)

thatsakeeper
04-12-2009, 02:11 PM
A koala and a lizard are sharing a joint up in a tree. After awhile the lizard says he's gonna head down to the creek for a drink.
About 5 mins later a crocodile walks past the tree. The koala near swallows the roach, has a cough and yells out, geez mate how much friggin water did you drink.

harry_h01
07-12-2009, 08:33 AM
The Thimble (a Parable)

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting next to a river, and she dropped her thimble into the water. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.


The seamstress replied, "No, sir."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No, sir." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress smiled and replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord -- it is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

shrunken pojie
07-12-2009, 12:37 PM
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

She received back the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.

We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defence

Lancair
07-12-2009, 03:56 PM
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."

Lancair
07-12-2009, 04:28 PM
WHY MEN WEAR EARRINGS ??

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

Lancair
07-12-2009, 04:31 PM
THINK BEFORE YOU FLIRT.....

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks with him, he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss, apparently he had the time of his life."

Lancair
07-12-2009, 04:45 PM
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance..
Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their medications while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth and finally.........
In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

"IM PROUD TO BE AUSTRALIAN"

gtphantom
09-12-2009, 12:45 AM
ANGER MANAGEMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a
phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A
man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Jim. May I
please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down
on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed
the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I
decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the
phone, I yelled, "You're an #######!" and hung up. I wrote his number
down with the word '#######' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an #######!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '#######'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this
is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if
you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and
slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an #######!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so
I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first #######, ( I had
his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW #######,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
Yes, it is."
Can you tell me where I can see it?"
Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."
What's your name?" I asked.
My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
I'm home every evening after five."
Listen,Don, can I tell you something?"
Yes?"
Don, you're an #######." Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two #######s to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called ####### #1.
"Hello."
You're an #######!" (But I didn't hang up.)
Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
#######, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, #######."
Then I called ####### #2..
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, #######," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, #######, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw
two #######s beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad
cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.

Chimo
09-12-2009, 12:47 PM
2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

groverwa
09-12-2009, 03:13 PM
Why do women wear earrings???

It is the only way that they can get most blokes to look at their face:-X :-X :-X

gr hilly
09-12-2009, 08:47 PM
dear grim reaper so far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer michael jackson, my favourite actor patrick swayze,my favourite singer stephen gately and my favourite actress farah fawcett.just so you know my favourite politician is kevin rudd.
regards tony abbot

Far side
11-12-2009, 08:59 AM
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Lord, I thought you said:
'Turn around.

groverwa
11-12-2009, 12:46 PM
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.


Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.


After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals..


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle...


Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)



'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

groverwa
12-12-2009, 05:59 PM
Golfers

One golfer said to another, "Guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"

"Great trade!" replied the other golfer

groverwa
12-12-2009, 06:01 PM
Serious Talk

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

With that, his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

thatsakeeper
13-12-2009, 05:26 PM
One for the kids

Q. What is the pink fleshy bits between a sharks teeth?
A. Slow swimmers

Q. What are Hundreds and Thousands?
A. Smartie poo

groverwa
13-12-2009, 05:41 PM
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating)..

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.

cormorant
14-12-2009, 12:23 PM
Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fisheriesin his boat..
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in fine you

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

PNG1M
14-12-2009, 01:41 PM
The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Taxation Office..

The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Tester63
16-12-2009, 03:28 PM
It’s near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

groverwa
19-12-2009, 02:00 PM
An old man and woman were married for many years and they grew to hate each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!

Chimo
20-12-2009, 07:34 PM
http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

sleepygreg
20-12-2009, 08:41 PM
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.


The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:


Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

sleepygreg
20-12-2009, 08:43 PM
Bubba, a furniture dealer in West Virginia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never travelled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

harry_h01
21-12-2009, 08:46 AM
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his blackberry.


He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.


From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.


Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

Chimo
22-12-2009, 05:42 AM
http://crass.on.ru/flash/aaa-1.html

finga
24-12-2009, 11:31 AM
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Goal 6 Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Goal, tied score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 12 points to 6.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Goal, tied score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, a 'Point, I lead 13 to 12.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poos in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

mowerman
24-12-2009, 08:03 PM
BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum) is arguably Queensland's most famous product! Forget Jamaican or any other rubbish! Now for you overseas people, a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. And it just so happens that out of the World's top 10 most venomous snakes Australia has a whole bloody 5.

Well I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundy and poured a little tot into its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp so I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

groverwa
26-12-2009, 09:54 PM
How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake w#$ly at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your w#$ly and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

F@rt and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire w#$ly size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake w#$ly at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.



I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

PASS THIS ON TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS CHEERING UP, AS THIS WILL DO IT.

finga
28-12-2009, 09:19 AM
Fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday

even the calendar says W T F.



All calendars except mine that is. It just says Sunday 8-)

sparkyice
29-12-2009, 02:22 AM
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend:

"Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.We've got the Dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck,"so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f---kng Chihuahua???????"

finga
04-01-2010, 06:45 PM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come for the baby's first examination.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby and checked his weight.
Being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples - pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.' 'You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said. 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

dnej
04-01-2010, 07:17 PM
Australian Federal Police : Investigation

Australian Federal Police : Investigation


An Officer stops at a dairy farm outside of Melbourne Victoria and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegally grown marijuana.'

The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,

"See this badge"!?
"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, whenever I want to".
"No questions asked, no answers given".
"Have I made myself clear!!??"
"Do you now understand me!!??"

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is a huge breeder bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly shitting himself.

The old farmer immediately throws down his pitch fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs to the officer.....


"Your badge! Show him your badge!"

sleepygreg
05-01-2010, 12:03 AM
Warning Croc spotted in the Brisbane River.

http://i225.photobucket.com/albums/dd46/Chamelion/GetAttachment1.jpg

Chamelion
05-01-2010, 12:32 AM
EDIT: Please ignore this post

sparkyice
05-01-2010, 02:00 AM
This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one..

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I' ll turn into the most beauti ful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

TimiBoy
05-01-2010, 05:37 AM
Warning Croc spotted in the Brisbane River.



Geez Greg, those buggers are well camoflaged aren't they? That's it for walking on the banks for me.

Where was he, behind the shoe?;D;D;D

Cheers,

Tim

Chimo
05-01-2010, 07:01 AM
Especially valid at this time of year

Advice from Chinese Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...GOOD!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTEN!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa bean! Vegetable!!! Cocoa bean best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Donny Boy
05-01-2010, 09:49 AM
Geez Greg, those buggers are well camoflaged aren't they? That's it for walking on the banks for me.

Where was he, behind the shoe?;D;D;D

Cheers,

Tim

Actually, just up a bit, Timi !
He's on the bank.................behind the grass....................
with the leg that shoe used to live on sticking out of his gob..........

If you turn sideways a squint a bit...........you'll fall off the chair...:D

sparkyice
06-01-2010, 02:17 AM
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

coucho
06-01-2010, 07:31 AM
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.









So, they buried Susie.

Chimo
06-01-2010, 10:41 AM
Walking Eagle

On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his experiences in handling the Australian Indigenous situation in Australia.

He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every 1st Nation's present standard of living.

At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.

A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

Chimo
06-01-2010, 10:43 AM
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT YOU!









If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?






Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why





Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?






Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

thatsakeeper
06-01-2010, 07:13 PM
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

BobbyJ123
10-01-2010, 07:33 AM
How can people be so dumb???

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 , for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about"..
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------




RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------




Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------




Directory Enquiries




Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------




Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------




On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------




Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------




Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------




Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------




There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time.. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

finga
10-01-2010, 10:36 AM
Two blondes living in Brisbane were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Sydney or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Sydney ?????"

akman1
10-01-2010, 06:58 PM
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'

akman1
10-01-2010, 07:07 PM
I bought a new Nissan Navara and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed me, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Arsehole!'

Immediately the radio responded with a speech by Kevin RUDD
Damn I LOVE this truck

Chimo
11-01-2010, 12:44 PM
A WEE SCOTTISH JOKE



On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. So we ask everyone to park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can clear the street".

So the good wife went out and moved their car to the even numbered side.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.

"The good wife went out and moved their car to the odd numbered side.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't ye' just leave the wee car in the garage this time?"

Chimo
11-01-2010, 01:02 PM
The Frog and Golf

A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."


" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin.
So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

Chimo
11-01-2010, 01:16 PM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

snasman
11-01-2010, 03:05 PM
A Bundy Rum Fishing Story
Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish!?

A Mate of mine told me this story and swears it's Fair dinkum
Here's what he told me:

'I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of "Bundy" and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth!!

Chimo
11-01-2010, 08:05 PM
GIMME TWENTY DOLLARS ,,,,,,,,,












TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.





This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.






It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Chimo
11-01-2010, 08:13 PM
How to deal with Global Cooling;D

Chimo
12-01-2010, 07:03 AM
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large

Plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once

In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20

Bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
See if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"
Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
Money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right Next
to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans Come
and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand Behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his Thing
through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the
Way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

Donny Boy
13-01-2010, 09:45 AM
Bligh and The Pope


The Pope and Anna Bligh are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Bligh and says,
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Bligh replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand?

Show me."


So the Pope slapped her. ::);D

Chimo
13-01-2010, 09:47 AM
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Seven confirmed that he had slept over, and three said he was still there.

mowerman
13-01-2010, 09:59 PM
Q: Four NRL players are in a car, who's driving?
A: The police

Q: Why can't most of the NRL players get into a scrum on the field?
A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.

The NRL code has adopted a new Honor System:
'Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor'.

The NRL code are hoping for an undefeated season next year....
12 Arrests, 0 convictions.


.

sparkyice
14-01-2010, 02:34 AM
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen
and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me
a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three,
and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a
rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about
a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The farmer said "Why, that's impossible. I had him chained to an old transmission!"

Chimo
14-01-2010, 11:37 AM
Tell it as it is!

Dezzer
14-01-2010, 02:30 PM
ADVICE NEEDED
I am a sailor in the Australian Navy, my parents live in Western Australia and my brother in law is a New Zealander living in Adelaide, South Australia.
My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Melbourne for a living.
My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on charges of rape and murder.
I am in love with a prostitute who solicits around the naval dockyard. She says she loves me but knows nothing of my family background.
We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn't bother her at all.
When I get out of the navy we will open a brothel in Brisbane and my two sisters will work there to keep it in the family.
My problem is this, I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother in law being a Kiwi?

aussiefool
14-01-2010, 02:52 PM
ADVICE NEEDED
I am a sailor in the Australian Navy, my parents live in Western Australia and my brother in law is a New Zealander living in Adelaide, South Australia.
My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Melbourne for a living.
My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on charges of rape and murder.
I am in love with a prostitute who solicits around the naval dockyard. She says she loves me but knows nothing of my family background.
We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn't bother her at all.
When I get out of the navy we will open a brothel in Brisbane and my two sisters will work there to keep it in the family.
My problem is this, I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother in law being a Kiwi?

Hell No...... What are you thinking???????//

Mrs Ronnie H
14-01-2010, 05:19 PM
Had this sent to me

I bought a new Toyota Landcruiser and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their songs.

Yesterday, some bloke ran a red light and nearly creamed me, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Assehole!'

Immediately the radio responded with a speech by Kevin Rudd

Damn I LOVE this truck



Ronnie

greenie61
14-01-2010, 09:15 PM
Tiger Woods Movie



http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x142/MG-61/tiger.jpg

sparkyice
15-01-2010, 02:21 AM
I had to go into Syracuse for some business yesterday. After parking the
car, I walked to the office building I was going to. Along the way I
passed several street bums. One particularly dirty guy who really stunk
came up to me and asked me for some money so he could get something to
eat. Half-jokingly, I asked him how did I know that if I gave him money
for food he wouldn't just go fishing instead. He looked at me funny and
said, "Fishing? I never go fishing. I spend my days trying to stay alive
on the street."

Getting serious, I then asked him if he would just spend the money on
beer. He answered, "You may not believe this, but I do not drink. Not a
drop."

I told him to come with me. I was going to bring him home and have my
girlfriend fix him the best meal he's ever had.

"Are you sure?" he asked, "I know I'm pretty filthy and I probably don't
smell too good."

"You'd be doing me a favor," I told him. "I want to show my girlfriend what a
guy who doesn't fish or drink beer looks like."

snasman
15-01-2010, 10:12 AM
A woman applying for a job at a Queensland lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Rudd."

googarra
15-01-2010, 01:38 PM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
Lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
Action.. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins
To slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
Grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her
Best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping
Rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
The horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
Struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
From unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's
Trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

mowerman
15-01-2010, 09:03 PM
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary, Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights.
One is a native Indian from the Sarcee Reserve; another is a cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock auction. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East .

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Albertans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks:"At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward:"Once my people were few, he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'.."

.

groverwa
16-01-2010, 04:26 AM
Worra Wabbit!!...............

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub,
(because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down


The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says,
'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties.
You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...




'Mixin-me-toasties.'

Tester63
16-01-2010, 01:49 PM
"A woman applying for a job at a Queensland lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Rudd.""

This joke would work much better if you used Lawrence Springborg rather than Rudd. At least Rudd has won an election and unlike the Borg is likely to win his next one too.

Tazy
17-01-2010, 02:27 PM
HOW TO LOOK AFTER YOUR BABY:

http://i48.tinypic.com/xp4mpy.jpg

Tazy's Son

groverwa
17-01-2010, 03:52 PM
Lifting a baby reminded me of the one about "Why are babies born with a hole in their head" and the answer is " So that the nurses can carry them like a six pack in case of fire"

sparkyice
18-01-2010, 03:59 AM
the other day i was out fiishing by myself. the quiet solitude, the beauty of nature's glory, the cool breeze off the water put into a rather introspective mood.
as i looked back upon the years of my life, i realized i may not be very good at very many things, but boy, can i make skinny women fat.

harry_h01
18-01-2010, 09:20 AM
John is in court about to be sent to jail for murder.
The judge says " I centince you to 50 years jail for killing a man with a screwdriver".
A voice from the back of the court yells out " YOU BASTARD".
The judge looks up and around the room looking for the voice and then looks back down. He then says " I also centince you to another 50 years jail for killing the mans wife with a screwdriver".
Again a voice from the back of the court yells out " YOU BASTARD".
The judge looks up and says " can the person who keeps yelling out you bastard please stand up?".
A man from the back of the court stand up, the judge says "now whats the problem?".
The man replies " I lived nextdoor to that bastard for 15 years and every time I asked for a screwdriver he said he didn't have one".

harry_h01
18-01-2010, 09:24 AM
DEAF WIFE "priceless"

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is s a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


"Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

deckstar
18-01-2010, 12:22 PM
"A woman applying for a job at a Queensland lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Rudd.""

This joke would work much better if you used Lawrence Springborg rather than Rudd. At least Rudd has won an election and unlike the Borg is likely to win his next one too.


hahahaha that's a funny one hahahaha

Salty_Dog
20-01-2010, 04:45 PM
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Chimo
20-01-2010, 08:01 PM
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.



After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"



He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

sandman55
20-01-2010, 09:41 PM
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Peenis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever..'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Peenis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Peenis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.'

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

sparkyice
21-01-2010, 03:45 AM
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


... you forgot one...


if you lock your dog in the car trunk for an hour, you can be sure he'll be glad to see you when you let him out.

baitwaster
21-01-2010, 05:49 AM
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? Yeah - WHY?

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL
EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE
THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR
NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK
MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE
HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN
IT?

31.. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT
THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS of GOD?



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

douggy
23-01-2010, 08:15 PM
An Oirish Story.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....



'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.



'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient...

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it............scroll down.)











'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

groverwa
25-01-2010, 11:17 AM
A British couple decided to go to Spainto thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 yearsearlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband leftGlasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. ****ing hot down here!

groverwa
25-01-2010, 03:54 PM
Not a joke but still good


Frank Sinatra in Song

They should play this non stop at All Airports!!!

Turn up the sound and click on the link below.......

Song (mhtml:{C2AB7EDC-E068-403A-B29A-0D06869C2B59}mid://00000002/!x-usc:http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm)

finga
25-01-2010, 04:49 PM
I forgot it.....Sorry :-[

Chimo
27-01-2010, 11:59 AM
Mule



Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, Victoria.and bought a mule for $100.



The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.



The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."




Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."




The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."




They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."




The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"





Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."




The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"






Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"





A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at
the local grocery store and asked.




"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"



They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."



Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."



The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"



Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."


Curtis and Leroy now work for the Rudd government.



They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan.




Limit all Australian politicians to two terms.



One in office


One in prison

Chimo
27-01-2010, 12:06 PM
A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his animals in remote territory when suddenly a brand new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,
after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government, Kevin's Office', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that I am from the Rudd Government?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a flock of sheep.
Now give me back my dog

groverwa
28-01-2010, 01:55 PM
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes.. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of sayingF--YOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

baitwaster
29-01-2010, 08:18 AM
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.
I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

Noelm
29-01-2010, 12:15 PM
A drunk is walking past a Fish and Chip shop late at night, the owner is inside cleaning up ready to close, the drunk yells out "hey mate, you got any chips left?" the owner shouts back "yep, plenty" the drunk then yells, "well serve yourself right for cooking so many"

littlejim
29-01-2010, 04:49 PM
A drunk walks up to a cab at Kings Cross, sticks his head in the front window, and asks the cabbie " ay mate, got room in your cab for a dozen beers and a couple of pounds of prawns?"
The cabbie says "sure". the drunk goes "urrrppp!" (technicolour yawn)

Chimo
29-01-2010, 09:11 PM
Last Penny


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts
slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Taxation Office'.

sandman55
29-01-2010, 11:33 PM
Exercise for the over 50's

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.


Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.


Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level--.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

HeadBanger
30-01-2010, 07:54 AM
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

mowerman
30-01-2010, 12:55 PM
The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.


Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.


Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short

groverwa
30-01-2010, 09:49 PM
Lada cars

In order to boost flagging sales, each Lada was bundled with a free horse. Later, each horse was bundled with a free Lada.

What must you always have inside your Lada? A roll of toilet paper

What do you call a classic Skoda? A Lada.

What is the equality between a Lada and a magic wand? They both only works in the adventures.

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill? A miracle.

What do you call several Ladas at the top of a hill? A car factory.

What do you call 100 Ladas at the top of a hill? A scrapheap.

What's the difference between a Lada and tickets for an Oasis concert? Oasis tickets go fast!

What do you call a Skoda full of food? A Lada.

What do you call a Lada in the winter? A freezer.

What do you call a Lada with a sunroof? A garbage can. What do you call a convertible Lada? A Skip! A dumpster!

What do you call a Lada with no doors or windows? A climbing frame!

A jungle gym! How many people in a Lada? One. The other three are pushing.

How do you overtake a Lada? Walk

What is the difference between a Lada and the flu? You can get rid of the flu.

What is a Lada in 6 meters length? A Chevrolett.

Why buy a Lada? I dunno...dining table? Really sharp bed?

What do you call a Lada in the summer ? An oven. How do you know if your Lada is environmental friendly ? It doesn't start.

How can you tell if your Lada is of russian manufacture ? It doesn't cost more than a bottle of Vodka. It can run on Vodka.

How many people does it take to build a Lada? Four. Two to fold and two to paste.

How do you reduce the wait for delivery of your new Lada ? Bring back political crime in Russia

How do you tell if your Lada is made by convicts or ordinary workers? The car assembled by convicts has nothing (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/Nothing) missing.

How else can you tell if your Lada was built by convicts? Once it leaves the factory it runs and runs and runs ...

Why should you never try to assemble a Lada without being drunk ? You will get an AK47.

How do two Lada drivers recognise each other? It's easy... they already met at the garage this morning.

How do you avoid speeding tickets? Buy a lada How do you know that your Lada has been burglarized? Nothing is missing.

Did you hear about the bloke who had his Lada broken into? The thieves put him a radio in!

What do you call a Lada driver who says he has a speeding ticket? A liar.

How can you tell a man (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/Man) driving a Lada? He wears dark sunglasses.

How can you tell a Lada driver from the other people wearing dark sunglasses? He doesn't have a white cane.

What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/Jehovah%27s_Witnesses) and a Lada? You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/Jehovah%27s_Witness).

Why are Lada drivers like corned beef (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/Beef)? They both come in tin cans

What is the similarity between a Lada and a bathtub? You cannot step out of either one in a public place.

What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/Sheep)? It's less embarrassing being caught getting out the back of a sheep.

Whats the difference between a Lada and a tampon (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/Tampon)? The tampon comes with its own tow rope.

I had to part with my Lada as it was costing too much, I was only doing 10 miles to every pair of trainers/running shoes.

What do you call a person that drives the Lada for pleasure ? A sado-masoquist.

How do you double the value of a Lada? Fill the gas tank (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/Tank). Chuck a penny into it.

Can Moskvitch accelerate to 120 km/h? Yes, but only once.

What is the maximum acceleration of a Lada? 9.8 m/s², only in the downward direction, however.

Why is there one extra pedal on a Lada? To inflate the airbag.

What do you call the shock absorbers on a Lada? Passengers.

What happens if you apply rust remover to a Lada ? The Lada disappears.

Don't forget the Lada emergency get-you-home kit! Walking boots & a map.

What occupies the last 16 pages of the Lada User (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/User)'s Manual? The bus (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/Bus) and train timetables.

What does the trip counter in the Lada say when it is passing 10,000 miles? Game over!

What is a must-have before driving a Lada ? Life insurance

What do you call a rust-free Lada? A miracle.

What's the definition of an optimist?
The owner of a Lada with an alarm system.
The owner of a Lada with a radar detector.
The owner of a Lada with a trailer hitch.

Want to buy the new 16 valve Lada? 4 in the engine, 12 in the radio (http://www.pngbd.com/wiki/Radio).

How do you recognise a Lada Sport? When the driver is wearing running shoes.

What do you call a Lada with twin exhaust pipes? A wheelbarrow.

What do you call a Lada with automatic windows? A toll booth.

Why do Ladas have a rear wash wipe ? To remove the flies that crash into them.

Why do Ladas have heated rear windows? To keep your hands warm whilst pushing them.

Why do Ladas need two spare wheels ? So you can cycle home.

A guy goes into his local garage and asks "Do you have a windscreen wiper for my Lada???" "Sounds like a fair swap" replied the man in the garage.

shrunken pojie
31-01-2010, 06:14 PM
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door.
His bedroom looks like Mission Control.
Eric came over, clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric

groverwa
31-01-2010, 08:10 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...

And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.


As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.


In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.


However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.


Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health


.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of sh!t


.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

STUIE63
01-02-2010, 09:45 AM
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress....



A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.


This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shatteredthe coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.


'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'




'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

tinman42
01-02-2010, 09:58 AM
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door.
His bedroom looks like Mission Control.
Eric came over, clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric

When I had a problem with my computer I was told the problem existed somewhere between the front of the keyboard and back rest of the chair!
Likewise - he used to be my friend!

Chimo
01-02-2010, 01:08 PM
Husband Store

> A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
> may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
>
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
>
> Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
>
>
> She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
>
> Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids
.
>
> 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
> So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
>
> Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
>
> 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
> She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
>
> 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
> Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
>
>
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
>
> Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
>
>
> PLEASE NOTE:
>
> To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
>
>
>
> The first floor has wives that love sex.
>
>
>
>
> The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
>
>
>
>
> The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

finga
02-02-2010, 06:32 AM
10 Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.


2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.


3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.


4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.


5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.


6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.


7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.


9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.


10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other

coucho
02-02-2010, 07:46 AM
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

TimiBoy
02-02-2010, 01:06 PM
The guys were all at fishing camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to share with one particular guy because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy who slept in the same room as the snorer came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

He said "That guy snored so loudly I couldn’t sleep. I just sat up and watched him all night.".

The next night it was a different one's turn. In the morning, he was the same, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

He said "That snoring shakes the roof! I couldn't sleep. I sat up and watched him all night.".

The third night was someone else's turn. The next morning he came to breakfast obviously well rested, all bright eyed and chirpy.

The others asked him how he got any sleep with that snoring guy in the same room.

"When we were ready for bed I went over, tucked him in, pinched him on the bum and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night."

Lucky_Phill
02-02-2010, 04:10 PM
The owner of a golf course in North Queensland was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Southern Queensland and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

doh !
.
.
.
.
.
.

LOUIE
02-02-2010, 05:04 PM
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a
mall for the first time.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat

Old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed

a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a

small room.. The walls close d, and the boy and his father watched

the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They

continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the

numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond
stepped out..

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son.....

'Go get your mother.'


Louie

Chimo
02-02-2010, 08:37 PM
Who Am I?

If you've lived to be 85 you think you know who you are;
then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old pilot sat down and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds,
so I guess I am a pilot. What about you?'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about
naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence..


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side
of the old man and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

groverwa
02-02-2010, 09:33 PM
Muslim suicide bombers
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60.

The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management.

"Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas.

One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that ..... it's too much to swallow."

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working.

However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

reelcrazy
02-02-2010, 11:48 PM
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big ##### or a good memory... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly..

8. Virginity can be cured.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

groverwa
03-02-2010, 02:02 AM
Goodby Granddad -- A lovely Australian Poem



Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.
But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash -
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!

baitwaster
03-02-2010, 05:28 AM
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

greenie61
04-02-2010, 04:40 PM
DIARY OF A NEW ZEALANDER IN QUEENSLAND



August 31 - Just transferred to our new home in Brisbane Queensland . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.


September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.


September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.


October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the Mazda before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh.it. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.


October 25 - This wind is a b.astard. It feels like a giant friggin blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from friggin Sydney ....


October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the friggin aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?


November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.


November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to friggin throttle him. friggin heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking friggin wet and I smell like baked cat!


November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my friggin arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my friggin arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!


November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a friggin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and friggin sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two friggin months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.


November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn friggin place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the friggin pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the friggin flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the suckers!


November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 friggin degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid b.astard friggin Brisbane! What kind of sick, demented friggin idiot would want to live here!


December 1 -

WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You are friggin' kidding!

Chimo
04-02-2010, 04:52 PM
Not showing the other half this one !

C
C

Chimo
06-02-2010, 12:12 PM
A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth.

Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.':-*

groverwa
06-02-2010, 10:41 PM
Dear Mr. Swan,

Please find below our suggestions for fixing Australia 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to our banks, who we know will only
squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following
plan.

You can call it the "Absolute Retirement Plan" or the ARP for short.

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force today.
Pay them each $1 million severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:

1) They MUST retire, 10 million job openings
= Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car, 10 million cars ordered
= Car Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage
= Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They MUST pay off 1 of their credit cards/personal loans
= Credit Crisis fixed.

5) They MUST send their kids to school/TAFE/university
= Education/Crime rate fixed

6) They MUST buy at least $250 WORTH of alcohol a month......there's your
money back in duty/tax etc.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, please have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses, second home allowances & grossly over
abundant retirement packages...

If you think this would work, please forward to every Australian you know.
If not, please disregard.

Yours sincerely,

The Whole Fu@#*n Country

sandbankmagnet
06-02-2010, 11:18 PM
That's 10 trillion dollars you're handing out there grover. Not sure we've got that to throw around. Though that's never stopped the labor govt.

Donny Boy
07-02-2010, 05:30 AM
DIARY OF A NEW ZEALANDER IN QUEENSLAND

December 1 -

WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You are friggin' kidding!

Oh, stop.........no more...........:LMAO:

Donny Boy
07-02-2010, 05:34 AM
Q. Why do men die before their wives?




A. They want to..............

finga
07-02-2010, 06:58 PM
Not really a joke but funny I reckon....


You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

groverwa
08-02-2010, 11:26 AM
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super
Shopping Centre and rolled down the car
windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup
had fresh air.


She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I
wanted to impress upon her that she must remain
there.



I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger
at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay.
Do you hear me?' "Stay Stay"



The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young
lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in "PARK"? !!!!!:-X

Chimo
08-02-2010, 11:44 AM
CARP ( Canadian Assoc of Retired People )



Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in
the bible.... Is that true?
Where can it be
found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60
year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
****
Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

akman1
08-02-2010, 05:43 PM
While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year-old Aussie farmer, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime Minister.

The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Rudd is a '"Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a "post turtle'" was.

The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
and then you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put him up there to begin with.

akman1
08-02-2010, 05:48 PM
An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
And asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars ! '

That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
Why does it cost so much?'
Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look

inside ?'
No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window
And looks around. Then, sitting back on his

Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot
in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be
and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than

my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari,
he gives it more gas
and passes the Moped at 275 mph
and he's feeling pretty good until he looks

in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari

all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped

bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out,
and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows
into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably
the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'

The old man whispers,
' Unhook my braces from your side view mirror '

Mac1952
08-02-2010, 08:10 PM
Some Year 12 exam answers:


What was sir Walther Raleigh famous for?
A:He invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles

What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A:Unusual names

Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
A:Learning to speak Latin

Name one measure which can be put in place to avoid river flooding in times of extreme rainfall.
A:Flooding may be avoided by placing a number of big dames in the river

Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic
A:Two Polar bears
Four seals

Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
A;Mrs. Orpheus

Where was the American Declaration of Independance Signed?
A:At the bottom

What happens to a boy during puberty?
A:He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery

State three drawbacks of hedgerow removal.
A:
1. All the cows will escape
2. The cars will drive into the fields
3. There is nowhere to hide

What is the meaning of the word "Varicose"?
A: Close by

What is the highest frequency that the human ear can register?
A: Mariah Carey

What is a fibula?
A: A little lie

Explain the phrase "Free Press"
A: When your mum irons your trousers

Steve is driving his car at 40m/second. The speed limit is 60Km/H. Is Steve exceeding the speed limit?
A: He should be checking his speedometer

Give a reason why people would want to live near power stations
A: They get their power faster

What is a vibration?
A: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960's

Where was Hadrian's Wall built?
A: Around Hadrian's garden

The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
A: Malaria

Expand 2(x+y)
A: 2(x+y)
2 (x + y)
2 ( x + y )


These students are the future. God help us.

Xahn1960
09-02-2010, 04:52 PM
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET:








1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.


2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of


Guns & Ammo magazine and several National Rifle Association magazines.


3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.


4. Leave a note on your door that reads:





"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.


Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't


Think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.





P S - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."





INSTALLATION COMPLETE!


Redneck Security Company

sparkyice
10-02-2010, 04:31 AM
It has been determined that when referring to members of al-queda, the people who want to kill us and take over the world, the term “ Towel Head” is offensive and politically incorrect. The headdress they wear is actually a small, folded sheet of cotton. In an effort to appease them, they will now be referred to as…










“SHEETHEADS”

charleville
10-02-2010, 11:50 AM
You Know You're Getting Old When...

The parts that are supposed to stay flexible are getting stiff, and the parts that are supposed to stay stiff are getting flexible.



;D ;D ;D

Mrs Ronnie H
10-02-2010, 06:44 PM
Hi

Two old fellas sitting down having a chat.

Fred says to Cecil-- " Do you know I can have Sex at 74"
Cecil says "Really I didn't know that."
Fred Says "YEP -- good to as I live at number 68 and it isn't that far to Walk'


bob goes into the bedroom and comes out all dressed up with his walking cane in hand'
Doris says "where are you going all dressed up " Bob answers with "Just going down the Doctors to get some of that Viagra stuff"

Doris thinks for a minute and goes off, comes back all dressed up as well.

Bob says " And why are you all dressed up"

Doris replies " Well if you're going to the doctors to get some Viagra then I'm going to see him to"

What for asks Bob.
" Well says Doris " if you think you are going to use that rusty old thing after all this time then I better get a tetanus shot. "

TimiBoy
11-02-2010, 07:15 AM
I read this post on a blog about Global Warming. This guy is spot on!
Alex Cull (http://alexjc38.wordpress.com/) (01:46:57) :
Let me try to summarise – ecologists are warning of something very bad that could happen. Their study tells them that the bad thing might happen at any time, although it has not happened before. They don’t know exactly when this bad thing might happen or what form it will take. They think that it could happen without any warning whatsoever, though. They think that a small “increase” of something or other will cause it, although exactly what they aren’t sure; they think it could be one of a number of different things. But they think they will know it has happened once it has actually happened, although by then it might be impossible to stop it happening or reverse it. Once the bad thing has happened, they think it possible we won’t be able to return to a “desirable state”, although they do not explain what sort of desirable state they would want to return to, other than that it would be a state where the bad thing isn’t happening.
Has that helped?


Cheers,


Tim

Chimo
11-02-2010, 10:38 AM
An Irish bloke was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the
shadows.


'Twenty quid,' she whispers.


Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell,
it's only twenty quid ...... So they hide in the bushes.


They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes
on them.

It is a police officer.


'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.


'I'm making love to me wife!' the Irish bloke answers, sounding annoyed.


'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'


'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'

Xahn1960
11-02-2010, 04:52 PM
Q. What do you get if you mix PMS with GPS

A. A crazy Bitch that " WILL " find you.

groverwa
11-02-2010, 05:05 PM
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students? What they had for breakfast.



To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.



Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.



'Very good', says the teacher.



Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.



'Excellent.'



Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had Bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.



The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.


Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.


When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'


Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger all for breakfast'.

groverwa
11-02-2010, 05:07 PM
"I take exception to people saying that Rudd, Gillard, Swan and Tanner are spending like drunken sailors.

When I was a drunken sailor, I quit spending when I ran out of money."

TimiBoy
12-02-2010, 03:12 PM
Sent to me by a good friend who values his anonymity. I obviously don't!

ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different.... Two Different Versions.... Two Different Morals


OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!





MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

Channels 7, 9 and 10,the ABC and SBS show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

Australia is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome' Cardinal George Pell then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Prime Minister Rudd condemns the ant and blames John Howard, Robert Menzies, Capt James Cook, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Bob Brown exclaims in an interview on Today Tonight that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, Labour in conjunction with the Greens draft the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

Xahn1960
12-02-2010, 04:29 PM
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little ba$tard..

groverwa
13-02-2010, 09:52 PM
GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV......
THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED...

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP..

GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH...
GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD.":-X ;D ;D

LOUIE
14-02-2010, 07:47 PM
And that’s when the fight started...One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95..
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......

****************************** ***************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

================================================== ====================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

================================================== ==================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
================================================== =========

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started....

================================================== ==========================
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors..
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And that’s when the fight started...

Louie

groverwa
14-02-2010, 10:53 PM
The Pope and Tiger Woods
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".


Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.


On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope."No problem" replied Tiger Woods.


Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"


Tiger: "Why is that?


"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"


Tiger: "You're a day late."

Donny Boy
15-02-2010, 04:32 PM
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big @rse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

:D:D

Donny Boy
15-02-2010, 05:06 PM
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, "Guess who?"

"You actually know that many women?" he asks, amazed.

"No," says the mad mailer. "I don't know any of them."

"Then why spend so much to send so many expensive cards?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

groverwa
16-02-2010, 03:48 AM
At The Doctors

The blonde patient was adamant.
"Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..."
"Whoa. Just a minute," interrupted the doctor. "What makes you think you need all these?"
"Well," said the blonde, "my boss said, if I want to keep my job, I've got to get reorganized!";D ;D

Lancair
16-02-2010, 01:44 PM
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....


"Didn't feel a thing."

finga
17-02-2010, 07:42 AM
A crusty old Airforce Pilot found himself at a gala event hosted by a local socialite. There was no shortage of extremely attractiveyoung ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Wing Commander for conversation.

'Excuse me, Wing Commander, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Wing Commander just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Thats bloody ridiculous! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Wing Commander, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

harry_h01
17-02-2010, 10:30 AM
A sweet grandmother telephoned St.Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient isdoing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and roomnumber of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. Godbless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

baitwaster
18-02-2010, 09:18 AM
>>
>> How important does a person have to be before they are considered
>> assassinated instead of just murdered?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
>> buried
>> in for eternity?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> What disease did cured ham actually have?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
>> good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
>> like
>> every two hours?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
>> binoculars
>> to look at things on the ground?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
>> They're going to see you naked anyway.
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
>> why
>> can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
>> he
>> just buy dinner?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
>> what is baby oil made from?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
>> call
>> it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
>>
>> _____
>>
>>
>> Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
>> Place?

Chimo
18-02-2010, 03:34 PM
Beware of Grumpy Old Men - we only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?


'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.


The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.


She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'


He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.


After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'


Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.


'I was behind you at McDonalds

groverwa
18-02-2010, 04:49 PM
All In The Family

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.
"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!

"And you think YOU have family problems!!!"

sparkyice
18-02-2010, 09:54 PM
i'm my own grandpa... i thought i'd heard that before...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeIsxXDyjlc&feature=fvst

;D

akman1
21-02-2010, 07:24 PM
President Obama and Prime minister Gordon Brown are sitting in a bar. A
guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that Obama and Brown sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour!
What are you guys doing in here?"
Obama says,"We're planning WW III."
The guy says,"Really? What's going to happen?"
Obama says,"Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and
one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed,"A blonde with big tits? Why are you going
to kill a blonde with big tits?"
Obama turns to Brown and says,"See, I told you. No one gives a shxt about the 140 million Muslims!"

harry_h01
22-02-2010, 08:25 AM
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.
"No mate, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

LOUIE
22-02-2010, 08:26 PM
DONALD AND DAISY



Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put it on your bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, I'll thuffocate.

greenie61
23-02-2010, 05:01 PM
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

Xahn1960
24-02-2010, 04:27 PM
Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:





My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with
my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I
shall be home before midnight.







When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table.







My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
About my being 54 years old, I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at
our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will
be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18
years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Chimo
25-02-2010, 12:01 PM
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his f***ing widow."

greenie61
25-02-2010, 04:29 PM
SUBJECT - $100
It's a slow day in a little Wimmera town. The sun is beating down,and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks away, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer at the pub..

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. >

At that moment the traveller completes his inspection, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government is conducting business today..

dreemon
26-02-2010, 06:53 AM
Hey mates, really need your advice for a serious problem I suspected for some time now that the misses has been cheating. The usual signs, phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat when she got home she got out of someone’s car she was buttoning her blouse & she took her panties out of her purse & slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed it…. A hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket… Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

akman1
27-02-2010, 07:52 AM
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies'
knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled
labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars
a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out
why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,
then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

PinHead
28-02-2010, 05:29 AM
I guess you have all heard of Gene Rodenberry..the creator of Star Trek.

Anyway..one day Gene's phone rings. he answers it and the conversation is as follows:

Osama bi Laden (OL).."hello, is this Gene Rodenberry, the creator of Star trek. This is Osama bin Laden here."

Gene.."Yes it is. What can I do for you Osama?"

OL.."I have been watching your shows and in it there are white people, black people, yellow people, christians, jews, hindus and many other religions."

Gene.."Yes, and ?"

OL.."How come there are no fundamnentalist radical Islamic terrorists?"

Gene.."Well, it is set in the future."

Chimo
28-02-2010, 05:56 AM
Nothing going right?

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.


"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."


"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

" I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.


"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all .


I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then a wise ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

gr hilly
28-02-2010, 11:32 AM
nothing grows faster than a fish from the time he bites until the time he gets away

hilly

Chimo
01-03-2010, 07:04 AM
Viewing choices

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play football!"

Axl
01-03-2010, 08:35 AM
ALL PUNS INTENDED......


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. DELETED


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. DELETED

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

groverwa
01-03-2010, 09:42 AM
A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper";D

cormorant
01-03-2010, 09:54 AM
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read:

"New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Victorians".

One week later, the Courier Mail in Brisbane, Queensland, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Beenleigh, Queensland, John Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all. John has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Queensland had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be a Queenslander!

BGG
01-03-2010, 11:57 AM
A man calls his lawyer's office and says, "I need to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist responds, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but he died last week."
The man says "Oh, sorry, I didn't know," and hangs up.
The next day he calls again. "I need to speak to my lawyer."
Again the receptionist tells him that his lawyer passed away the week before.
Again he says, "Sorry," and hangs up.
The next day he calls again. "I need to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist says, "Sir, I'm certain I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The man says, "Oh, yes, you did -- sorry to have bothered you," and hangs up.
The next day he calls again. "I need to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist, by now very annoyed, says, "SIR! I've told you more than once, he died last week! Why do you keep calling here??!"
The man sighs and says, "I just enjoy hearing it."

groverwa
03-03-2010, 08:33 AM
Not An Enemy In The World

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."

Chimo
03-03-2010, 09:22 AM
HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

This is really amazing. If you change only 4 letters in the word milk, it becomes beer.

groverwa
04-03-2010, 01:54 PM
NELSON MANDELA


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching aclip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese manstarts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the littleChinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hehears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrongname! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:


(It's a beauty)



(Wait for it)






(Get your best Chinese accent ready)












'You not Nissan Main Deala?';D ::)

groverwa
04-03-2010, 03:25 PM
Is your day better than this??

groverwa
05-03-2010, 07:49 AM
The real reason man created fire

sandman55
05-03-2010, 01:15 PM
I hope I haven't posted this before.

sandman55
05-03-2010, 11:41 PM
What you young fella's have to look forward to ;D

You know you're getting older when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Automotive horror
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

groverwa
06-03-2010, 12:06 AM
This is what Tiger Woods really wanted to say at his Press Conference..........
>
> Let me just say to all my fans that I feel sorry for everyone who criticized
> me for my extra-marital affairs. You must live a miserable existence if you
> have nothing better to do than read about my personal life in the tabloids.
> But I suppose I should provide an explanation about my behavior so that you
> will continue to buy the products I endorse.
>
> So here goes. I am an average looking man of mixed racial descent. Like
> most men, I had trouble getting pussy before I became a famous
> multimillionaire. I did okay at Stanford because I was on the golf team,
> but the women there graded out with a "B" because they were leftovers that
> players on the football team didn't want. Before that, I got nothing
> because I have a bland personality and big lips.
>
> Then, I win a few golf tournaments and women are lining up at my door. Of
> course, I took advantage of my opportunities. These were women who wouldn't
> give me the time of day if I sold insurance or worked on a used car lot.
> They wanted me so they could brag to their friends about having s^x with a
> celebrity, while holding the belief that one day they would live a life of
> luxury as the wife of Tiger Woods. When that didn't happen, they seized on
> an opportunity to sell their story to the tabloids, all the while looking
> the part of a woman scorned.
>
> Now I want to discuss my wife. When I met Elin, she was just like the
> others, except she played the "hard-to-get" strategy that women often use to
> corral men. It worked. She had all the qualities I wanted in a woman:
> pretty face, nice t!ts, nice ass, and an inviting personality. We dated
> for a while, had wild s^x, and we genuinely enjoyed other's company. When I
> asked her to marry me, she accepted. Why wouldn't she? Only an idiot would
> say no to a lavish lifestyle that most people only dream about.
>
>
> Our marriage was okay. We have two wonderful children and Elin is a good
> mother. But since she had those kids, she's become a bitch, and doesn't
> want to have sex very often. And, she won't accompany me on road trips,
> except to the major championships. Unfortunately, my job requires that I
> travel to a different city every week where women nod approvingly at me
> where ever I go. Do you see the problem here?
>
> To all the men out there: What would you have done in my shoes? Would you
> have said no to all the woman who lined up to meet you, especially after
> listening to your wife bitch at you over the telephone for not spending
> enough time at home with her and the kids? And to all the women: How many
> of you would have turned down an opportunity to spend a night with me,
> knowing that you could sell your story to a tabloid for 500K?
>
> I feel bad about the potential damage my actions might cause my kids. As
> for Elin, I can think of at least 300 million reasons why she will be okay
> if we divorce and she is forced to survive on her own.
>
> And don't forget that vast support network she will have after appearing on
> Oprah and The View.
>
> As for me, I have paid dearly for my transgressions. I have lost millions
> and might lose custody of my children. Almost everyone who sees me takes
> great pleasure seeing me in pain.
>
> Now here I stand, while you sit there anxiously waiting to hear my heartfelt
> apology, when all I really want to tell you is "&%^K OFF"

Chimo
06-03-2010, 06:20 AM
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his trousers, and looked in the hall mirror to see that the cheeks of his arse were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on a Band-Aid as best he could wherever he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and arse and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your snoring in the night and those bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those feckin' Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror!!

Chimo
06-03-2010, 08:50 AM
WHY GOD MADE MUMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us...
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

greenie61
06-03-2010, 12:05 PM
A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside..

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:364166D9E37646CF814D6E146ED7D585@alexfaf38b97a 0
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

Chimo
07-03-2010, 05:45 AM
When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.

A farmer got in his ute, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?""No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"What about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? Said the boy “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar ...but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

groverwa
08-03-2010, 02:25 PM
The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that bxxx jxx I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

groverwa
08-03-2010, 02:26 PM
I just applied for a Planning Permission for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at
various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside
entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot
green with tatty pink trim.

The Council Planning Department told me to go away.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

Work starts on Monday . . ..

PaulMark
08-03-2010, 06:08 PM
I know most of you are dog lovers and will help.

Our neighbour, Marie has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him.

Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded.

She then noticed the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned.

Thanks for your help.

mowerman
08-03-2010, 08:47 PM
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.

'F$#KING THING' TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F$#king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

groverwa
08-03-2010, 09:39 PM
At the G20 summit, Barack Obama (USA) and Kevin Rudd (AUSTRALIA) are being shown a computer simulation called 'Time Machine' which can supposedly predict the economy and society trends of the future.
Both decide to test it by asking a question each.



Barack goes first: "What will the USA be like in 50 years time?"
The machine whirs and beeps then gives him a printout,


"The country is still in good hands under the Democrats, crime is down, there is little world conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries."

Kevin thinks "That's not a bad prediction, but I'm sure mine will top that."
so he asks, "What will Australia be like in 50 years time?"



The machine gives the same whirs and beeps, then ejects a printout.
Kevin looks at it, turns it around a few times, then shakes his head.
"Come on Kevin," laughs Barack, "What does it say"

Kevin replies, "No idea..... it's in Ar^&!c!"

sparkyice
09-03-2010, 05:21 AM
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits... It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

Chimo
10-03-2010, 07:58 PM
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

akman1
13-03-2010, 05:13 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,'
Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
Doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to Bunnings.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results...

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

groverwa
14-03-2010, 08:51 PM
NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!


A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......

"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!" ;D :o

akman1
15-03-2010, 06:52 PM
Dont even want to think of that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

akman1
15-03-2010, 07:43 PM
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'

BGG
16-03-2010, 12:13 PM
REUNIONS OVER THE YEARS!


A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.


Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice boobs.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can
eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they have never been there before.

datamile
19-03-2010, 07:13 AM
Air traffic funnies

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's favourite airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
-----------------------

ATC: ' Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'
Al Italia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'
-----------------------

Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'
Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851,Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
-----------------------

Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself.'
-----------------------

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
---------------------------

FrankfurtControl: 'AF33, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rog',Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1½ miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
--------------------------


ATC: 'Cessna 123, what are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
--------------------------

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh...approach, we're a singleton.
Controller: Oh, Oh, Shit! You have traffic!
---------------------

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
----------------------

ATC: Pan Am 1; descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1; descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
------------------------

Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contactHoustonSpaceCentre'
--------------------------

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-------------------------

Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (Short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is theAtlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big "W” immediately.’
--------------------

Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
-----------------------------


Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centreline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
-----------------------

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.6 (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.6 (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
-----------------------

BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
------------------------------------

Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
---------------------------

Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345....'
---------------------------------

Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
-----------------------

Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
----------------------------

Pilot: 'Good morning,Frankfurtground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

datamile
19-03-2010, 10:57 AM
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,
'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tits she appears out of nowhere.'

groverwa
19-03-2010, 06:36 PM
1981 & 2005 -

Two Interesting Years


Interesting Year 1981


1. Prince Charles got married


2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe


3. Australia lost the Ashes.


4. The pope died


Interesting Year 2005


1. Prince Charles got married


2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe


3. Australia lost the Ashes.


4. The pope died


Lesson to be learned:


The next time Charles gets married,

someone warn the Pope.

sparkyice
20-03-2010, 04:51 AM
i can't say i agree with what he's done, but i kind of like his style...

http://www.stargazette.com/article/20100319/NEWS10/3190331/Herkimer+man+who+had+post-DWI+court+beer+gets+prison

groverwa
20-03-2010, 05:20 PM
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.


We're the same age,We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh!t out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh!t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

groverwa
20-03-2010, 05:22 PM
So it's politically incorrect






A P@kist@ni dies and goes to Heaven. ...

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the P@kist@ni. .

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

Chimo
23-03-2010, 04:58 PM
Heaven and Hell

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the 'accident and emergency' dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd

'I'm sorry..But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ....all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22Cdegrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there
(and all the socialists from other parts of the world..)

Everyone is laughing, happy and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

sparkyice
24-03-2010, 10:32 PM
there's only 10 kinds of people in the world.

those who understand binary numbers, and those who don't.

mowerman
25-03-2010, 09:54 PM
THESE REALLY WORK! I tested several of these and it's for real!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSETRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

.

groverwa
26-03-2010, 05:47 PM
George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George W. thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George W. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did wa swing the hammer, time after time.

'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George W.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George W. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!

akman1
26-03-2010, 06:59 PM
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman.
So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because a##holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty.
"The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

akman1
26-03-2010, 07:00 PM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
be in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

charleville
26-03-2010, 07:15 PM
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy boofhead and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."


;D ;D ;D


.

groverwa
27-03-2010, 09:48 AM
Not a joke but still good humour

George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21.. Even the words sound like a ceremony.YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone...

But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60..

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into ! your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers.. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3.Keep learning.! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name isAlzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6... The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips... Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity..

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breathaway.

Life's journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally worn out, shouting
'..holy sh* t ......what a ride!'

Fatenhappy
28-03-2010, 03:29 PM
From my 10 year old nephew over the weekend ...

"Why is a fire engine red? .... Wouldn't you be if someone pulled your hose out !!!"

sandman55
29-03-2010, 02:40 PM
Some of these are classics

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.

They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!



Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen”. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth,a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

Chimo
31-03-2010, 06:26 AM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop"

groverwa
01-04-2010, 06:14 AM
The Wrong Side Of The Bed

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."
But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.
Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."
Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"

sandman55
01-04-2010, 05:49 PM
Blonde Jokes
A blonde housewife, at the end of her tether from sleepless nights listening to the neighbour's dog's constant barking, finally stomps out the room in her dressing-gown and muttering under her breath.

5-10 minutes later she climbs back into bed again, her husband turns over and asks where she's been.

"I've put the neighbour's dog in our garden, let's see how THEY like it!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."