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Xahn1960
18-07-2009, 11:11 PM
I bought a deodorant stick today
I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said :
'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'
I'm in Casualty at the moment, but my f@rts smell lovely!!!

Cameron Sims
19-07-2009, 12:07 AM
a blonde goes to the mechanic
nothing wrong darlin just shit in the air filter
ok how often do i have to do that
hehehe cameron

Mac1952
19-07-2009, 03:11 PM
G-rated? No so sure.........

Chimo
19-07-2009, 05:47 PM
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Chimo
19-07-2009, 07:27 PM
And continuing with the TOL theme............

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

aussiefool
20-07-2009, 09:19 AM
Beware, they walk among us

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.

(Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Chimo
20-07-2009, 09:45 AM
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Lancair
20-07-2009, 09:18 PM
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "#### or drown."

Lancair
20-07-2009, 09:44 PM
A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said 'Goats'."

sparkyice
24-07-2009, 03:10 AM
after watching a news report about fishes, with their noses cut off, washing up dead on the beach for the last week, the blond beside me at the pub asked "those poor fishies!... without their noses, how do they smell?"



says i, "after a week....terrible!

Chimo
24-07-2009, 07:14 AM
The Barman


A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the barman who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no,' he replied.

Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the barman. 'Is there anything I can do?

Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the barman's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the barman managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered,
'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

Chimo
24-07-2009, 07:32 AM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at
a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, put s her coffee cup down, neatly folds
the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles
and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the
woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back
to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over
to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like
that before, it was fantastic.. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Tax Office

ffejsmada
24-07-2009, 09:34 AM
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans.

Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Billy in the front row.

The teacher asked Billy why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'

'Because I'm a Liberal.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Billy replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'

STUIE63
24-07-2009, 11:49 AM
Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
Tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at
school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he
did..
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him
why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike
for my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry.


Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was Very
upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to
church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very
sad.
'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down
The street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see
if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and
sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F**KING BIKE!!!

Chimo
24-07-2009, 06:49 PM
Quote of the recession so far:



"THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE. I'VE LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE."

Chimo
24-07-2009, 06:50 PM
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....


1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Fish Lips
24-07-2009, 07:25 PM
The Barman


A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the barman who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no,' he replied.

Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the barman. 'Is there anything I can do?

Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the barman's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the barman managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered,
'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'



YUUUUUUUUCK! ;D


"No paper in the ladies toilet? do a handstand in front of the dryer then love."

Chimo
24-07-2009, 08:41 PM
Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said ....... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Xahn1960
25-07-2009, 08:11 AM
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?






It's because she smells like a new Ute.

Xahn1960
25-07-2009, 08:13 AM
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a Great Chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,
"What massive Calves you have!"

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear .

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that .


The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!!!!!!!"

Chimo
25-07-2009, 12:17 PM
Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.

Chimo
25-07-2009, 12:27 PM
If this was even a little bit funnier it would be a lot less of a worry!


A Very Simple Lesson

An economics professor at a local university made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that KRudd's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class adopting KRudd's plan".

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.
The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D!
No one was happy.


When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that..

As has been said before "you cannot multiply wealth by dividing it"

aussiefool
26-07-2009, 03:17 AM
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:1D64146B9F6345ECB3A2ADB20179AFBB@bobs


http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:C563207D20E544DCB03E66276BF0684D@bobs


Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:3C61ED1DA1C541ECA5EECB0A57AE2098@bobs


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.


Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.


A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"


http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:5CF9696A3FE44BE5AED70C339113D5BD@bobs


"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.


http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:F457A7955B994878901B6D1CA6CC85AD@bobs


An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."






With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.






After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.






The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.






Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!






Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.






He bursts in and shouts to his master:






"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Lancair
27-07-2009, 06:02 PM
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

Lancair
27-07-2009, 06:03 PM
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch #####, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him,

"What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch #####, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown.

" The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around!!'"

TimiBoy
27-07-2009, 07:53 PM
http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:1D64146B9F6345ECB3A2ADB20179AFBB@bobs


"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

That...































is appalling!;D;D;D

Cheers,

Tim

Chimo
28-07-2009, 08:48 PM
I THINK YOU' RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...




A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.


She says hello.


He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.


So he says, 'Do you know me?'


To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Sea-Dog
28-07-2009, 10:20 PM
This morning on the Freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in a brand new Holden Calais
doing 110 kms per hr,
with her face up next to her
rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away
For a couple seconds
and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man,I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver,

which knocked
the meat pie
out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to
straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,

I knocked my mobile phone
away from my ear.

My phone fell into the coffee
between my legs,
Splashed and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the darn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.............





...............Bloody women drivers!!

Chimo
29-07-2009, 10:35 AM
GIFTS THAT COUNT

One for the all GOWs and GOMs:P



Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other:

"My 85th birthday was yesterday.

The wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!.....

Imagine, an SUV!!..

What a great gift!"

First guy:

"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Chimo
29-07-2009, 05:11 PM
Another take on women and fishing...















One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.







Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'


'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.


'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.


'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'



'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

akman1
29-07-2009, 06:45 PM
Ancient Indian knowledge

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After
They got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of
Galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past Three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , And we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we Will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo sh*t. Someone stole tent."

harry_h01
30-07-2009, 08:20 AM
An old seadog sits down at a bar where he meets a pirate with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Talk soon turns to their adventures at sea. The seaman asks the pirate, "So, how did you lose your leg?".

The pirate replies, "During a fierce storm, I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman, "What about your hook?".

"Well..." replies the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship, and battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman, "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asked incredulously.

"Well..." said the pirate, "It was my first day with the new hook."

stevelcqld
01-08-2009, 06:20 PM
Rural Australian Computer Terminology
A little bit of Real Aussie culcha.....

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

Sea-Dog
02-08-2009, 08:24 PM
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from you stupid little boy?
Johnny: Because I have got 1 f***** rabbit at home already you dumb f****

Chimo
03-08-2009, 01:27 PM
This is not really a joke, more something to really smile about so I hope it tickles you and yours too.

Cheers
Chimo


PS Sorry if some have seen it before.


http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1137883380?bctid=17075685001

sleepygreg
03-08-2009, 10:16 PM
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." .and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants "

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it
to the lady.
it read


"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Italy , South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California . There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

ooglie74
03-08-2009, 10:42 PM
Top joke Greg.


Cheers Troy

Lucky_Phill
03-08-2009, 10:51 PM
1. The roundest knight at King Arthurs Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, Keep off the Grass.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, No change yet.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, its your vote that counts. In feudalism, its your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!


cheers Phill
.
.
.
.

PinHead
04-08-2009, 06:29 AM
Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

BGG
04-08-2009, 07:39 AM
An annual contest at Texas A&M University calls for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was "Political Correctness".

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd
by the clean end."

Xahn1960
05-08-2009, 07:48 PM
How to wash a toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

sleepygreg
06-08-2009, 01:45 AM
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

sleepygreg
06-08-2009, 01:53 AM
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.

'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes, I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

sleepygreg
06-08-2009, 02:01 AM
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here.

TimiBoy
06-08-2009, 10:12 AM
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, ' I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ' thank you ' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.
The policeman is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ' thank you ' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop..

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ' thank you ' card and a dozen different books, such as ' How to Improve Your Business ' and ' Becoming More Successful. '

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.
The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament

tinman42
06-08-2009, 04:35 PM
The following have all appeared in church magazines,


so let us thank God for church ladies with typewriters.


--------------------------
Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
--------------------------
Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'
Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the Rummage Sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation .
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.


So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'


Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.


Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.


They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.


Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church.


Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'

Chimo
06-08-2009, 07:33 PM
Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting
any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $50 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes
from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one
works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

mini696
07-08-2009, 02:26 PM
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!

Xahn1960
07-08-2009, 04:45 PM
Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 49.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a rats?

mowerman
09-08-2009, 06:47 PM
The Four Cats



Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.


The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist, and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."


T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.


Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......


ate the cookies........


drank the milk.......


sh*t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......


claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

put in for Workers Compensation...............and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............





AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Chimo
10-08-2009, 04:15 PM
Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a Queenslander when...... :-[

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local Pizza Shop on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Mortein on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a petrol cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your ute does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20.. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your number plate personalised because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ' Pizza Hut' on the side.
24.. The biggest city you've ever been to is Woolworths.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A cyclone hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th year graduation because you were on jury duty. [and
You were only in 5th year 'cause your father was in 6th]
30. You think fast food is hitting a kangaroo at 110.....

leeroy1
11-08-2009, 12:39 PM
You know you're a New south Welshman/Victorian when......

You move to Queensland.


Leigh,

Chimo
11-08-2009, 01:12 PM
Leigh,

You know you're a New south Welshman/Victorian ......


AND THAT FINALLY YOU HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT SO...............


You move( D) to Queensland.:P


Leigh, Your statement needed to be updated;)

Cheers
Chimo

STUIE63
11-08-2009, 01:55 PM
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!

Teacher gets annoyed: Where the hell did you get seven from?

Johnny howls: Because I've f###in already got one at home.

BGG
13-08-2009, 11:37 AM
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

sleepygreg
14-08-2009, 02:16 AM
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

PinHead
14-08-2009, 04:45 AM
classic BGG

baitwaster
14-08-2009, 05:44 AM
The fishing trip

Joe and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because
his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Joe
headed home frustrated.

The following week when Joe's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Joe. He was already sitting at the campground
with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire
glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Joe?"

"I didn't have to," Joe replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went
home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I
couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my
eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see
through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to
the bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"

2 weis
14-08-2009, 05:50 PM
brings a smile :D after a long day at work

aussiefool
15-08-2009, 04:49 AM
Dead Penguins??



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"freeze a jolly good fellow."




http://www.ausfish.com.au/vforum/cid:C9FFB2E22AC94DBC9AD756D8B5348850@bobs

" Then they kick him in the ice hole."

charleville
15-08-2009, 05:49 AM
A bloke rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the barman line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew", the barman remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the barman sympathetically asked.

"Fifty cents."


;D ;D ;D


.

Chimo
16-08-2009, 07:26 PM
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Chimo
17-08-2009, 10:48 AM
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN



A primary school teacher in Killarney asked her students to use the word
'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
And we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Blarney
Stone and I was fascinated.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
Way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called d on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunty Ann has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t$ts
are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried. :'(

Chimo
17-08-2009, 06:56 PM
"Painting the Church"



There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.


As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.


Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke......



(you may love this)









"Repaint! Repaint!


And thin no more!"

Xahn1960
17-08-2009, 09:57 PM
Pants and Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen
So his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
This family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
Never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
And I always will I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
Your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

sleepygreg
17-08-2009, 10:22 PM
The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
~
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
~
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
~
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
~
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
~
'My wife's.
~
''What happened to her?'
~
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
~
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
~
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
~
'Can I borrow the dog?'
~
The man replied, 'Get in line.'

harry_h01
18-08-2009, 11:08 AM
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames."

harry_h01
18-08-2009, 11:11 AM
Kevin Rudd the Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for an audience with the Queen. Rudd brings up his grand plans for the future of Australia. “Your majesty”, he begins, “can we turn Australia into a Kingdom in order to increase its status in the world?”

The Queen shakes her head and replies, “One needs a King for a Kingdom and you are most certainly not a King, Mr Rudd.”

Not to be dissuaded, he asks “Would it possible to be an Empire then?”

“No,” retorts the Queen. “You need an Emperor for an Empire and you are most certainly not an Emperor.”

“Aw shucks, what about a Principality then?” tries Rudd.

Predictably, the Queen replies, “You need a Prince for a Principality and you are most certainly not a Prince.”

Her Majesty takes a sip of tea and adds, “Mr. Rudd, having met you and several other Australians I think Australia is perfectly suited to being a country.”

Chimo
18-08-2009, 03:29 PM
Japanese Hotel Service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ......

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the
hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'


Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out
his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of
his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds
later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service
Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped
his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut
off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

trueblue
18-08-2009, 04:51 PM
SECONDS before Death (CHILLING). WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING !)

PinHead
18-08-2009, 05:53 PM
Subject: Advice from a retired husband
>
> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
> becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
> when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
> Some are overly sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
> oversensitive woman.
>
> My name is Jim.
>
> Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.
>
> When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a
> full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and
> for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
> working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home
> from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
> &nbs p;
> Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
> rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
> her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
> dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
> club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
> grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we
> finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table
> for several hours after dinner.
>
> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
> evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
> this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
> to bed.
>
> Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
> say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
> during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
> just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
> two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also
> remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
> any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
> points.
>
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
> She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.
> I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
> nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
> while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
> make one for me, too.
>
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm
> not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
> find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
> than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys,
> even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
> wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
> worthwhile.
>
> After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
>
> Signed, Jim
>
> EDITOR'S NOTE:
>
> Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police
> report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
> Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
> showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested
> and charged with murder. The all-women jury took only 10 minutes to find
> her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking,
> accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Chimo
18-08-2009, 06:54 PM
LETTER TO TRUWORTHS IN JOHANNESBURG

Dear Sir/Madam

I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 7 Aug 2009 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.

However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honorable and important as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.

I hope that yours will come out shortly.

Sincerely Yours,
Pinhead






PS: I regret to inform you that given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be participating in the next three draws.

Chimo
18-08-2009, 07:01 PM
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL!

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."


"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

shrunken pojie
18-08-2009, 10:50 PM
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured fromthe tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my ##### to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's ##### and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

sparkyice
19-08-2009, 03:20 AM
this is so old, maybe it's new again...

when i was a kid lots of pubs and baitshops would have a sign behind the till-

around a cartoon of an old crone, the caption:

"HELEN WAITE IS OUR CREDIT MANAGER.

IF YOU WANT CREDIT,

GO TO HELEN WAITE"

sparkyice
19-08-2009, 03:35 AM
Nancy Reagan's Letter of Forgiveness



You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man
who shot then U.S. President Reagan in the early 1980's.


Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster,
extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the
point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to
assassinate President Reagan.


There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter
from Nancy Reagan the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley
reports to have intercepted:




*
*
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My dear Mr. Hinckly,

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased
we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our
fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to
know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness
throughout.


The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne
against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of
how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of
desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy
and productive young man.


Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family


P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging
Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look
into that.

Chimo
19-08-2009, 11:57 AM
The Difference between Campaigning and Voting


While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically
hit by a truck and dies..

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance..

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green
golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are
all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from
cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't
understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and
danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage
and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..

Today you voted.'

Sea-Dog
19-08-2009, 09:57 PM
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son
and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because
it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging
up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles
would be over..

I know you would be happy to dig the
plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the
old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

greenie61
21-08-2009, 05:08 PM
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
http://www.rfactoraustralia.com/forums/images/smilies/smile.gif means a smile and
http://www.rfactoraustralia.com/forums/images/smilies/frown.gif is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(

Well, how about some 'Aussi-icons?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular arse



(__!__) a fat arse



(!) a tight arse



(_*_) a sore arse


{_!_} a swishy arse


(_o_) an arse that's been around






(_x_) kiss my arse



(_X_) leave my arse alone



(_zzz_) a tired arse



(_E=mc2_) a smart arse



(_$_) Money coming out of his arse



(_?_) Dumb Arse
http://www.rfactoraustralia.com/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.rfactoraustralia.com/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.rfactoraustralia.com/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.rfactoraustralia.com/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.rfactoraustralia.com/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

Steve B
21-08-2009, 11:49 PM
A man was saying his nightly prays and asked god

"what do I need to do to get into heaven"

God replied "you need to give up drinking, smoking and sex'

The man replied "ok' with a sigh


5 weeks later God spoke to the man "well my son, how did you go???"

Man replies "well god, the smoking and booze was OK, but one day my wife was bent over the freezer in a short skirt....and well....I just couldn't help myself"

God replied in a stern voice "They dont accept that sort of behavior in heaven"

The man replied "funny you should say that....they dont at woolworths either"

jimbamb
23-08-2009, 08:44 AM
Good onya Greenie.
Ya got too much time onya hands..

Very funny
Jim

jimbamb
23-08-2009, 08:45 AM
(E=mc2) Very clever!!!!

Mac1952
24-08-2009, 05:41 PM
Bundy's bad for you!!Had a bad case of the (s-less) swine flu' on Sunday morning...

baydiesel
24-08-2009, 08:37 PM
It is well known that much of Australian humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "VB."

The head of XXXX smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

Skusto
24-08-2009, 10:28 PM
Problems from the start...

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

Chimo
25-08-2009, 10:04 AM
Scottish Jokes

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
"Dinnae be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.



A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in
the same sleeping carriage of a train, After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, let's kid-on we're married. The woman giggles and says, "Why not".
"Good", he replies. "Get your own blanket!"


A Glesga woman from Glasgow 's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh ,
she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?"asked the concierge.
”Toilet pepper! You bloody eejit"


A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!"


One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and
said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some straw ... The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?
" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said omagoad! A talkin' pig!'"

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting
for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked
his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast
fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk!
"I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!

Chimo
26-08-2009, 08:09 PM
THE EMU



An Aussie truckie walks into an outback diner with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say’.

sparkyice
28-08-2009, 01:38 AM
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle,
who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at
sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes
kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their
rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep
said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do
you think we're out far enough now?

Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately
says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting
worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for
breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the
shovel."

sparkyice
29-08-2009, 04:56 AM
a salty ol' sea captain tiredly peg legs into the pub. he has the wheel of a ship fastened about his waist.

step, thump-drag...

step, thump-drag...

step, thump-drag...

he finally make it to the bar and sighs...

"Yarrrrr, give us a rum, matey"

he tilts back the elixer, gives the whell a spin,and again says...

"Yarrrrrr, give us another rum, matey", and again he spins the wheel.

after a few more drinks of rum, and a few more spins of the wheel, the bar tender can no longer stand it. he has to know...

"cap'n," he says, "i have ta ask ye. whats with the ship's wheel, and why do you keep spining it?"

"Yaaarrrrrrrrrrrr," sighs the tired old salt,

V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V.........." IT'S DRIVIN ME NUTS!" ;D

groverwa
29-08-2009, 04:33 PM
This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking .
Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.
Think like a wizard . . ..




man
1. ------------
board












Ans. = man overboard




Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.






stand
2. ------------
i












Ans. = I understand






OK .


Got the drift ?




Let's try a few now and seehow you fare ?





3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/











Ans. = reading between the lines








4.
r
road
a
d











Ans. = cross road





Not having a good day now, are you ?

Redeem yourself.





5. cycle
cycle
cycle












Ans. = tricycle





Not easy to figure out ha!





0
6. ------------
M.D.
Ph.D.












Ans. = two degrees below zero




C'mon give it a little thought ! !






7. knee
light











Ans. = neon light


( knee - on - light )






U can prove u r smart by getting this one.





ground
8. ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet













Ans. = six feet underground




Oh no, not again ! !





9. he's X himself











Ans. = he's by himself




Now u messing up big time.





10. ecnalg












Ans. = backward glance





Not even close ! !





11. death ...... life












Ans. = life after death





Okay last chance ....................


12. THINK













Ans. = think big ! !





And the last one is real fundoo - - -





13. abababababababababababababababababababab...









Ans. = long time no 'C'

groverwa
29-08-2009, 04:38 PM
A new supermarket opened.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and then smell of fresh
rain..
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent of fresh mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with
onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread
and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Chimo
31-08-2009, 01:14 PM
Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows

and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'




Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us.

I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.' 'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'



They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...' The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'



'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'



The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

Chimo
31-08-2009, 06:32 PM
:P Something for the "Moody Cows" out there........

INDUNA
31-08-2009, 07:58 PM
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the
house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with
the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he admitted that they had
been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was made redundant from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him
the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a number of faults
with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all
grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the
fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Walter

greenie61
01-09-2009, 07:32 PM
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00....

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird
used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation,considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,


'Hi Keith'

Lucky_Phill
01-09-2009, 08:59 PM
6, 12 & 13 got me.......groverwa.

lol.... me be smarty pants :P ;D ;D not ! :-/


phill

Chimo
02-09-2009, 02:54 PM
ILLEGALLY BLONDE; Shades of Yes Minister?

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, have inherited their family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Prior to leaving to purchase a bull, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big!
She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

groverwa
02-09-2009, 06:08 PM
Grandmas - gotta love em!!! Atta girl!


Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train station in Sydney
There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of Australia. I politely declined to take one...

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of I%^& ?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your @rse and open it."

God Bless Australia !!

greenie61
03-09-2009, 04:40 PM
Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New
York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful
Woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to
the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do apologise"
She said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

mowerman
03-09-2009, 05:12 PM
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.Oh, no - notagain!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."Oh No!




IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

mowerman
03-09-2009, 05:14 PM
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name ofParacetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

groverwa
03-09-2009, 08:04 PM
Life S@vers

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God!They're @rse-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

Sea-Dog
03-09-2009, 09:44 PM
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began
hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p!ss off & let
him get some sleep. But they persisted until he finally gave in.


"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of
excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a
river & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all
the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over
there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.


"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I bloodywell didn't."

BGG
04-09-2009, 08:59 AM
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.....

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

greenie61
04-09-2009, 04:43 PM
The 2 PRAWNS!

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming
around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I
wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'


Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark and horrified, Christian
immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his
sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail.


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old
pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come
out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.'...........














'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

thedeckie
04-09-2009, 09:17 PM
An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, But there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before You can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"I like your attitude!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

sparkyice
05-09-2009, 04:43 AM
http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2009/09/chatham_warns_s.html

an article about sharks near boston. the funny part... scroll down and read comment #3 from "steve"...

tinman42
05-09-2009, 02:33 PM
There was this blonde woman who just delivered a baby.
Her doctor came into her room and saw her with a bag
of ice in between her breasts. Her doctor asks her why.
She says, "That's to keep the milk fresh."
____________________


Q : Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
A : Because their b@lls flop over their a$$hole and
this causes an airlock!
-------------------------------------------------------


Q : What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE
CURTAIN?
A : When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show
is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is
SHOWTIME!

-------------------------------------------------------

Q: What happens when you eat beans and peanut butter...?
A: You get a f@rt that sticks to the roof of your ar$e!
______________


A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She
was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex
life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked
me that after having their tonsils out."

tinman42
05-09-2009, 02:44 PM
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine
and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ar$e and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

tinman42
05-09-2009, 02:50 PM
KIWI'S, May not be politically correct but.............






A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking
around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he
rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus

clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear





"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk."

tinman42
05-09-2009, 02:52 PM
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience all six of the following symptoms, please seek medical treatment
immediately:





1. High fever


2. Dizziness


3. Nausea


4. Fatigue


5. Aching in the joints


6. An irresistible urge to $hit on someone's windscreen

tinman42
05-09-2009, 03:01 PM
MessageType into a Google search:- French Military Victories and hit "I feel lucky" and follow on from there.

IMPORTANT: You must be in google.com.au

tinman42
05-09-2009, 03:06 PM
Now, one for the ladies.......... reflections on life!





One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
And they say blondes are dumb...




A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."




"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.




He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and
fart.





Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.



A man and his wife , now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!



Gotta love that fairy!






A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

AMEN







Q : Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.






Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.







Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.






Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.







Q : Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.







Q:What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.






Q:How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals".





Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And
send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it

Chimo
05-09-2009, 06:40 PM
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
And sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,
You get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first......Those are the rules,' says the bartender...

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10
And the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and
He did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
Then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,
He staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open
And there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

tinman42
06-09-2009, 08:28 AM
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity,

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

tinman42
06-09-2009, 08:35 AM
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

tinman42
06-09-2009, 08:41 AM
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small peni$.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

Gee, Mom, he exclaimed. For me?

Just take two, Brenda replied. The rest are for your father.

tinman42
06-09-2009, 08:50 AM
Love

A man was sitting on the settee watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

"Shut up. You are having soup. I was talking to the cat."

tinman42
06-09-2009, 02:59 PM
I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring. Unfortunately, with the increase in gas prices and prices in general as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart Greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......

tinman42
06-09-2009, 03:04 PM
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.?

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PETER



Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.?

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Chimo
07-09-2009, 11:00 AM
The Lost Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside near Kincardine and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and then walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Chimo
07-09-2009, 11:20 AM
Fondling In Bed :-[

groverwa
07-09-2009, 05:23 PM
Here is one for the twisted amongst us to try next time the kids are eating honey on their toast

"When you are eating honey
And your nose is runny
And you think its honey
It's not"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :-X

Chimo
08-09-2009, 04:13 PM
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: 'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's t8sticles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*8king siren, would I

Chimo
08-09-2009, 07:33 PM
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Keith"

greenie61
08-09-2009, 07:54 PM
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...











' ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS ! '

jimbamb
09-09-2009, 05:33 PM
The old mate was sittin on a bench in the park.He notices a little bloke sitting in the gutter with a cat..
He has a bag of smarties and he pops some into his mouth,drags the cat up and bites it on the tail,then moves a few feet down the gutter..
He repeats this a couple of times and it gets the better of the old mate and he goes over and asks the kid what is he doin..
"Playin Truckers" he replies..
"How you work that out?" he asks
"Easy" says the kid...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I'm Poppin pills..eatin pussy an movin on down the road"

Mac1952
10-09-2009, 08:06 PM
Boss to blonde secretary during interviewWhat's the difference between a paperclip and a screw? Secretary: Dunno. I've never been paperclipped;A grandmother asks her nephew for a photograph.Having only a photo of himself in the nuddy, he cuts the photo in half but, by accident, sends gran the wrong half.He gets the following letter from granny:Dear Bobby,I like your new hairstyle, and it definitely makes your nose look a lot smaller....

Scott nthQld
11-09-2009, 09:32 AM
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit


Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!




The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.



On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.




Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ..... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!



Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.


Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a w@nker

PNG1M
13-09-2009, 03:50 AM
PATIENT: Doctor, doctor... I keep thinking I'm invisible!

DOCTOR: "Who said that....?!"


PATIENT: Doctor, doctor... people just keep ignoring me!"

DOCTOR: "Next...!"


PATIENT: (peeling her top off after a few drinks) Doctor, doctor... I have acute angina..

DOCTOR: I should bloody well hope so, 'cos your tits are shocking

Chimo
13-09-2009, 11:06 AM
EARS?

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

Chimo
14-09-2009, 02:06 PM
Two Plastic Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Chimo
14-09-2009, 02:13 PM
Greek Women

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Greek women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's a big controversy on the Greek view of when life begins. In Greek
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from
medical school.

Q: Why don't Greek mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Greek-American Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Demetra Does Dishes".

Q: Why do Greek Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

When the doctor called Mrs. Megakolos to tell her that her check came back,
she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call."

A Greek boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play
the part of the Greek husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and
tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Greek mother on the Street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days. "Â "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Greek Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Greek telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the
first Greek President. So the President-elect calls up his mother a few
weeks after Election Day; "So Ma, I assume you will be coming to my
inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, and your father isn't as young as
he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take
you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy, I don't know what on Earth I
would wear."
"Oh Mom," replies the new president, "don't worry about it. I'll make sure
you have a wonderful gown by Christian Dior."
Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your
friends like to eat"
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going
to be handled by the best Greek caterer in New York, and you can tell him
how to make the Tiropitakia. Mom, I want you to come."
So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, the son is being sworn in As
President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the New
President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her; "You
see that man over there with his hand on the Bible, becoming President of
the United States?" The Senator whispers back,
"Yes I do," the Senator replies.

She smiles and says: "His brother is a doctor."

Chimo
14-09-2009, 02:25 PM
Now for NZ

Q. How does a kiwi find his sheep in long grass?
A. Quite Pleasant

Q. Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?
A. They eat all the grass.

The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved. The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and renamed "The Love Boat".
A man was found by police laying dead on his front lawn wearing an All Blacks top, pink panties and a dildo up his ar$e. The police removed the All Blacks top to save his family further embarrassment.

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Two Kiwi girls are browsing around a perfume counter, one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist and smells it.
"That's quite nice, donÂ’t you fink Trace?"
"Yeah Sharon, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the fock does that mean?"
At this stage the shop assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for ‘come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,
"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?

What's geographically wrong with New Zealand? It's above sea level

There were three people in a boat, 1 chinaman, 1 new Zealander, and 1 Aussie. The boat began to sink, so they threw out cargo they didnÂ’t need. The chinaman threw out some rice, saying "weÂ’ve got heaps of rice in China" the nz'er threw out a sheep saying "weÂ’ve got heaps of sheep in nz" and the Aussie threw out the new Zealander saying "weÂ’ve got heaps of these in Australia".

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another visitor from the Northern Beaches of Sydney. The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya bro?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders are saying?
Just by following these easy steps and you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
What you hear and what it really means:

BETTING : "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.

BRIST : Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "Billy"

BUGGER : As in "mine is bugger than yours".

BUN BUTTUN - been bitten by insect

BUG HUT - popular recording

CHULLY BUN : Also known as an Esky

DIMMER KRETZ : Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK : Language spoken in countries like "Surria", E-Jupp" and "Libernon".

EKKA DYMOCKS : University staff

GUESS : Flammable vapour used in stoves.

LEATHER - foam from soap

SENDLES : Thongs, open shoes

COLOUR : Terminator, murderer.

CUSS : Kiss

DUCK HID : Term of abuse directed mainly at males.

PHAR LAP : NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP".

ERROR ROUTE : As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".

FITTER CHENEY : A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger Tony".

PISSED aside - chemical that kills insects

PIGS - for hanging out washing

PUGS - pink animal with curly tail

samsnap
14-09-2009, 02:50 PM
CHIMO - YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS!!
But I have an Italion Mother-in-law that I can use some of those Greek ones on!:)
May be posting on the "Wanted" section soon - new husband & Dekkie wanted
Sammy xx

Chimo
14-09-2009, 03:51 PM
Any of yous want a working holiday with long white clouds and sheep?

madman1
15-09-2009, 09:28 AM
New Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion
1.The woman buys the food

2.The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert

3.The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand

4.The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman

Here comes the important part

5.THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL

6.The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery

7.The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again

8.THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN

More routine

9.The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

10.After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

11.EVERYONE PRAISES THE MAN AND THANKS HIM FOR HIS COOKING EFFORTS

12.The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night offand, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

groverwa
15-09-2009, 11:28 AM
Ponderings

And when asked "What is the best form of birth control after 50" I said "Nudity":o

Do you know why a woman's work is never done - Because they do not get up early enough;D

When you think about it - God was the best inventor of all time. He took a rib
from Adam and made a loudspeaker out of it:-X

samsnap
15-09-2009, 12:17 PM
You Know Why Adam Was Made Before Eve????

You Always Make Your Prototype before Your Masterpiece!!!

Sammy Xx

groverwa
15-09-2009, 12:33 PM
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You´re running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you´re being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you´re the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in his side. It was Eve poking him about the torso.

"What do you think you´re doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Chimo
15-09-2009, 12:47 PM
The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh "

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Scott Mitchell
17-09-2009, 03:12 PM
One for Pinhead ;)

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government, Kevin's Office', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that I am from the Rudd Government?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.

You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.'

Regards Scotto

PinHead
17-09-2009, 03:24 PM
LOL..thanks for that Scott..patently obvious the bloke in the Beemer is from NSW.

Scott Mitchell
17-09-2009, 03:39 PM
LOL..thanks for that Scott..patently obvious the bloke in the Beemer is from NSW.

I expect nothing less :P

It pays to have a sence of humour - Scotto

Chimo
18-09-2009, 10:51 AM
Had to share this!

The world has gone mad!!!!!

Annual Stella Awards – Only in America
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 79-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head... So keep your head scratcher handy..

Here are the Stella's for the past year:


7th PLACE :

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas

Was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son!


6 th PLACE :

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California

Won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps!

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.


5 th PLACE:

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania,

Was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...


4th PLACE :

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas ,

Garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.

Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun..

3rd PLACE :

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania

Because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor - Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...


2nd PLACE:

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware

Sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 - oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.. Go figure.

1st PLACE :

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid?

greenie61
18-09-2009, 07:27 PM
Two sharks swim down to the bottom of the ocean to check out the human shop.

The shop window say's......
"Australian $3:00 KG......Kiwi $3:00 kg.....Pommy $5:00kg"

One shark says to the shopkeeper "How come the pommy's so expensive"

Shopkeeper says " Have you ever tried to clean one"

Damned67
18-09-2009, 10:58 PM
While those 'Stella' awards are amusing (even if some may be false), it's not too far from the truth.
When I lived in the US (Milwaukee), the local paper would run a section at the end of the year for strange law suits against the local council. The one I remember most vividly was a guy that sued the council (for about $12,000) for 'spraining' his ankle... sliding into home base in a softball game on a council run field. Even more amusing, six months later he sued for EXACTLY the same thing, at the same field, and won AGAIN!!!

sparkyice
19-09-2009, 04:53 AM
three strikes and you're out?

as often as i stick myself with fishhooks, i should be a millionaire!!!
soon, the hooks will all come dull, like kindergarten scissors.

PinHead
19-09-2009, 05:19 AM
the stella awards are all false..especially the supposed winning one.
But don't laugh..Main Roads Dept. has lawyers working there dealing with claims where people have tripped on footpaths and roads and gotten injuries like sprained ankles or a broken toe. the lawyers pay them out and send them on their way. Some of them are a real joke.

groverwa
19-09-2009, 10:45 AM
Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate






Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

yellowbeard
20-09-2009, 07:48 PM
Fishing Boating & Off-Road Adventures:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LP8oCI0a6zs

Chimo
20-09-2009, 08:54 PM
Well all you other GOMs and GOW heres one for us

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL....
YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'

Chimo
21-09-2009, 07:40 PM
Two Catholic parrots...

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'


That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,that I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase . . in no time.'


Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

Xahn1960
21-09-2009, 09:25 PM
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Chimo
22-09-2009, 08:23 PM
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 000.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that.

What next?''

Chimo
22-09-2009, 08:28 PM
And God said...



God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*


*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

Chimo
22-09-2009, 08:34 PM
Weather Forecasting - The Australian Way




It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

Chimo
23-09-2009, 08:40 PM
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider This.

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Chimo
24-09-2009, 11:18 AM
Golf: An Evil Game!

A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.

"Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband!

He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.

In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up..

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying it.

"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.


Two months later, her husband died... The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ass."

Chimo
24-09-2009, 08:42 PM
After I stopped laughing I had to share this.

The Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.

“No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

MY ALIBI
25-09-2009, 09:28 PM
Authorities have located the source of the big dust storm . some dumb sh@# opened the NSW state of origin trophy cabinet:D

sparkyice
26-09-2009, 04:13 AM
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth! Let's see if we can see the Lord..'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Fish Lips
26-09-2009, 11:24 AM
As part of the governments intervention policy, Kevin Rudd recently flew outback to a remote aboriginal community.

He was met at the airstrip by the tribal elders.

"Listen Kev" they said

"We don't know nuthin about no stolen friggin' generator"

;D

Chimo
26-09-2009, 06:07 PM
The Dark Side of Women...



A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.


In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her
mobile phone rang.


It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.


The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.


She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.


Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.


She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.

He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

charleville
26-09-2009, 06:33 PM
Did you see the news item about the Irish bloke who locked his keys in the car?


It took an hour to get his wife out!



;D ;D ;D ;D ;D



.

sleepygreg
28-09-2009, 01:06 AM
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise,
God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one manGod said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him]God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only
one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here

Chimo
28-09-2009, 01:53 PM
Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent b$stard,' She screamed at
him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:


'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'

Chimo
28-09-2009, 01:57 PM
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2009

Scenario 1:
Joe goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the
school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Joe's shotgun, goes
to his car and gets his shotgun to show Joe.
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Joe hauled off
to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors
called in for traumatized students and teachers..

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands
and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both
Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both
expelled even though Johnny started it.



Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good
paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits
still and does not disrupt class again..
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a
zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money
from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives
him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes
to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.. Billy is
removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist
is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused
herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an
affair with the psychologist.


Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the
smoking dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school
for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and
weapons.


Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to
college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles
appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a
requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action
lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English
teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro
is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of
July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a
red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called.
Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates
his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home
and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a
terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to
comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on
playing...
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses
her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5
years of therapy.

Scott nthQld
28-09-2009, 02:25 PM
hah, that's both funny and very sad, funny because it is true, sad because well, then you realise this is the society we have to endure.

mowerman
28-09-2009, 08:28 PM
MY DADDY IS AN EXOTIC DANCER

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied,
'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father? ''No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.

sleepygreg
29-09-2009, 06:49 PM
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their
wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special
occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession".

"Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years"

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold
your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of
the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

"She said 'I don't think you understand. My name was Brian and I played
for Parramatta ."

Chimo
30-09-2009, 12:23 PM
Black and White

(Under the age of 40? You won't understand this but this is how
we lived, And we are still here to talk about it.):-*

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,?
'Good Night, Johnny.' 'Good Night,Dad.'

My Mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayonnaise
on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach,
but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mum used to defrost mince on the counter AND I used to
eat it raw sometimes.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown
paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember
getting sick.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the dam
instead of our public pool (talk about boring).
There were no beach closures then either.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a
jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took PE .. and risked permanent injury with a pair of
high top sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic
shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened
because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the
national anthem, and staying in detention after school
caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an
archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.
Then there was the milk left in the sun for us to drink each day. Good wasn't it?

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something
before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers,
Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 34 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah .... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit
when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the castle' on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the
48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it
didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our bum smacked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a
10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics,
and then Mum calls the attorney to sue the contractor
for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such
a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbour's house either because if we
did, we got our bum smacked there and then we got smacked
again when we got home.

I recall 'Bluey' Barnes from next door coming over and doing his
tricks on the front porch, just before he fell off.. Little did his
Mum know that she could have owned our house. Instead,
she picked him up and clipped his ears for being such a dill.
It was a neighborhood run amok.

To top it off, not a single person I
knew had ever been told that they were from a
dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger
management classes? We were obviously so duped by so
many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire
country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive??

GOOD FOR ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL
WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T
TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.

Dantren
30-09-2009, 04:23 PM
Why Men don't write advice colums...

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.

Salty_Dog
30-09-2009, 04:34 PM
Quick Joke is a Good Joke

After years of investigations into 9/11, the americans found it wasn't muslim terroists who attacked the twin towers. It was two irish builders fitting a door on the 44th floor. The door wouldn't fit so Mick told Paddy to fetch a plane and take a bit off the top.



Little Mohammed's first day at terrorist school:
Mohammed why are you late?
Sorry sir, I left my bag on the bus.
Well done A+



Mary had a little skirt
It was slit right up the sides
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
It was slit right up the front
But she didn't wear that one very often...



Jockeys at this years Melbourne Cup will appear wearing black arm bands out of respect for Jacko who successfully rode more 3 year olds in living memory!



Tiger Woods pulls into a petrol station in his $250k ferrarri and fills the tank with petrol.
He then goes in too pay the cashier
He starts to take the money out of his trouser pocket and has a golf tee in with his change
The cashier asks "what's that in with your change" "Oh that's what I put my balls on when Im driving" says Tiger
"Bloody Hell" says the cashier "Ferrari think of everything don`t they"

Chimo
30-09-2009, 04:57 PM
STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch.
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....

Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this Story? .... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS or GOM


Remember;
Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery always overcome Youth and Arrogance!

Salty_Dog
30-09-2009, 04:58 PM
Sick of reading, sit back and relax.


Bill Bailey speaks of going to the pub.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qod7nSGKag0&feature=player_embedded

sparkyice
30-09-2009, 08:50 PM
roses are red
violets are blue
some poems rhyme
this one don't

Chimo
01-10-2009, 02:03 PM
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

Salty_Dog
01-10-2009, 03:00 PM
Ah an oldie but a goodie there.... Last time i heard that joke the guy was a Mexican ;)

Sea-Dog
01-10-2009, 06:48 PM
roses are red
violets are blue
some poems rhyme
this one don't

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Jenny doesn't wear any. 8-)

STUIE63
02-10-2009, 09:29 AM
Pete the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."



The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"



When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.



The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"



When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan..



The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"



When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?"



The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwi's laying the turf out front."

Chimo
02-10-2009, 09:36 AM
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor..

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied.
"Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take amoment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates.
"So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was screwing his wife.

STUIE63
02-10-2009, 09:51 AM
Whipping

An Australian rugby fan, a Scottish rugby fan and a New Zealand
fans are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a
sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers,
they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life
imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday
the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh
decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of
the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh
announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me
to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Scotsman was first in line, he thought for a while and then
said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was
done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The New Zealander was next up. After watching the Scotsman's in horror he
said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two
pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the
New Zealander was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Australian was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world.
For this, you may have two wishes!""Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Aussie replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but, 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
And your second wish"?

"Tie the New Zealander to my back."

STUIE63
02-10-2009, 01:54 PM
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project, said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

Son, said John, this robot can't be lied to; now tell us where you really were after school.

We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy. What did you watch?' asked Marsha. The Ten Commandments. answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.

I am ashamed of you son, said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents. The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son! With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

STUIE63
02-10-2009, 02:45 PM
Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered,
'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is David. Could I please speak with Robert
Campbell?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right ****ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy
answered the phone, I yelled
'You're a ****!' and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '****' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
'You're a ****!'
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '****' Calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,
'Hi,this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're a ****!'
One day I was at LakesideShopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the Horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ****. (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover ****, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?'
'Yes, it is', he said.
'Can you tell me where I can see it?' I asked.
'Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front.'
'What's your name?' I asked.
'My name is Steve Hansen,' he said.
'When's a good time to catch you, Steve?'
'I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed.'
'Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?'
'Yes?'
'Steve, you're a ****!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a***holes to call.
Then one day I came up with an idea.
I called ****. #1.
'Hello?'
'You're a ****!' (but I didn't hang up.)
'Are you still there?' he asked.
'Yeah.' I said.
'Stop calling me!' he screamed.
'Make me.' I said.
'Who are you?' he asked.
'My name is Steve Hansen.'
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
'I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared... ****.' and hung up.
Then I called **** #2.
'Hello?' he said.
'Hello, ****,' I said.
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
'You'll do what?' I said
'I'll kick your a**e,' he exclaimed.
I answered, 'Well, ****, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street .
I got there just in time to watch two ****s beating the s**t out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.

akman1
02-10-2009, 08:59 PM
oldie but a goodie!!!!!!!

greenie61
03-10-2009, 06:56 PM
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,

"I wanna' watch."

PinHead
04-10-2009, 11:04 AM
He rises early, long before dawn.
Wants to be on the water, before the day is born.
Sneaks through the house, as quiet as a mouse
It would be mayhem, if he wakes the spouse.

The car is packed, everything is ready,
The trailer is hooked up, all level and steady.
He knows it would be a good morning to stay in bed.
For the past six months the boat has been in the shed.

He inches the car slowly forward, getting into the groove,
But what is that he notices, the trailer barely moves.
One wheel is not turning, just being dragged,
The wheel bearings need changing, as she has nagged.

Out with the hammer and give it a thump,
That noise in the morning did make him jump.
The dogs start barking, and lights come on
Oh s*^#, he murmurs, now I am gone.

He sees her face at the window, with an evil glare,
He does not know what to do, at the hammer he stares
He hits the wheel again, without pain or fear,
It all starts moving, the car is not in gear.

Down the driveway and out through the gate,
The car and trailer, like two good mates.
The momentum gathers, and the speed increases
He now wishes he belonged to another species.

He is running behind, looking at his boat.
What he did not see was the neighbour’s horse float
The car slams the float with an almighty din,
He falls on the road and leaves behind some skin.

The damage looks awesome as he draws near,
As the daylight dawns it all becomes clear.
The float is ruined, his car is a wreck
The boat and trailer like some goose neck.

The neighbours are awake and the lights are on,
Oh how he wishes that he was gone.
The damage is horrific, all over the road.
Good grief he muses, it even crushed a toad.

The noise in his ears causes him to start,
He scratches his balls and releases a fart.
Twas only the alarm clock, to start his day,
He is going fishing, come what may.

He recalls the nightmare that he just had,
Oh if it happened, wouldn’t that be so sad
He drives out the gate and down the street,
Thinking of the fish and friends he’ll meet.

groverwa
05-10-2009, 05:54 PM
Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Anna Bligh.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the Premier,
who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in spending, a
special commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive
3. People are spitting on the wrong side

Chimo
07-10-2009, 06:59 AM
A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro.
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said,
"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

groverwa
07-10-2009, 07:13 AM
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Deckerbus for a weekend trip toAdelaide.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode onthe top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?

We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'

mangomick
08-10-2009, 12:42 PM
Bloke loses his arm in an accident and hes so depressed hes going to jump out the window and do himself in.
He opens the window and sees another bloke on the pavement without any arms and he's dancing and looks happy
The fella with one arm thinks why am I so miserable . This fellers got no arms and he's happy and dancing. So he gives up on the idea of jumping.
He goes downstairs and says to the bloke with no arms. Thank ,you saved my life. I was going to jump until I saw you so happy and dancing around.
Anyway he says what makes you so happy that you can dance.
And the bloke with no arms says. I'm not dancing cause I'm happy....my arse is itchy

sparkyice
08-10-2009, 10:49 PM
truth be told, i think these guys are actually aussies...:D


http://seabreezenews.com/back%20issues/0909-Sept_2009/Page_01c.pdf

BGG
09-10-2009, 09:46 AM
A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat and they go.

When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.

The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”

“Well yes,” the doctor replies, “but not framed.”

baitwaster
09-10-2009, 11:55 AM
Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they go away and its a really nice day.
------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend......'You're so lucky...Mine's still
alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "no way", you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10
minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic'
----------------------------------------------------------------------


A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds
to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you bastard!'

groverwa
12-10-2009, 11:44 AM
The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine..

BGG
12-10-2009, 03:09 PM
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law who is 103 & says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight"..
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."

finga
14-10-2009, 08:02 AM
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need "tweetment" and for swine flu you need "oinkment".

Peter4
14-10-2009, 08:22 AM
How do you get rid of swine flu?

Spend the night in a smokey room - in the morning you'll be cured!

Chimo
14-10-2009, 08:56 PM
KRudd meets the Queen

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said:
As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied,
"I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said:
"How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied,
"Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with
"How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied :
"Sorry again, Mr. Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word,
The Queen said:
"I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

baitwaster
16-10-2009, 08:47 AM
> > One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
> >
> > "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
> >
> > "Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
> > bought it with my share of the winnings."
> >
> > A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
> >
> > Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
> >
> > She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
> > it with my share of the winnings."
> >
> > Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,
> >
> > You guessed it:
> >
> > Her share of the lotto winnings...
> >
> > That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while
> > she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is
> > barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
> >
> > "What's this?" she asks her husband.
> >
> > "Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"

greenie61
20-10-2009, 05:12 PM
THE HORTH WHITHPERER


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

greenie61
20-10-2009, 05:13 PM
http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x142/MG-61/ThePrayer.jpg

Cammy
21-10-2009, 12:53 AM
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass didn't it?'

Cam

finga
21-10-2009, 07:40 AM
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients




And felt guilty all day long. No matter how much




He tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
And sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal
Reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first




Medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
Patients and you won't be the last.




And you're single. Just let it go."



But invariably another voice in his head



Would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave........

Dave........

..........you're a vet.

Chimo
21-10-2009, 04:49 PM
THE TRUCKIE



A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished
'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.


The truckie replies,
'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

baitwaster
23-10-2009, 08:23 AM
I know a bloke whose name is Jim,
I love to throw tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft & don't hurt the skin,
But these ones do, cos they're still in the tin!!

gr hilly
23-10-2009, 09:41 AM
there once was a man from cape horn.who wished that he had never been born .he wouldt have been, if his mother had seen, that his farthers french letter was torn.

Tester63
23-10-2009, 06:13 PM
A soldier was home after a 3 month tour of duty in Afganistan and was looking forward to a night of passionate sex with his wife. She went to freshen up and came out with nothing but a towel on her head....so he shot her.

Wazzup01
23-10-2009, 07:19 PM
i went to a seafood disco the other night and pulled a mussel

Wazzup01
23-10-2009, 07:22 PM
i went out to by some cammo pants the other day but couldn't find any

Wazzup01
23-10-2009, 07:23 PM
Hear about the 2 antennas that got married?
Wedding wasn't very good but the reception was excellent

sleepygreg
23-10-2009, 09:18 PM
Sneezing!


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of an airplane.



The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly

shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.



The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed

again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.



Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about

the shuddering.



A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she

took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I

couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose

and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'



'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition:

Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'



The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never

heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'



The woman nodded.



'Pepper.'

sleepygreg
23-10-2009, 09:30 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit..

groverwa
23-10-2009, 09:32 PM
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Compalcently looking at his madam
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that on earth
There was only two and he adem

sparkyice
24-10-2009, 01:40 AM
Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
somebody had to come up with this. You know you're from

California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal?http://www.washingtonfishingfools.com/smf/Smileys/default/huh.gif

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers
and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.

sparkyice
24-10-2009, 03:37 AM
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD



To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah, Georgia night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.


First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!


I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants.. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].


After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!


I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]


I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.


Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.


The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).


In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, an d can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.


Have a good day!


Thoughtfully yours,


Alex

:D

Sea-Dog
25-10-2009, 08:32 AM
This is as funny as....

kx1-USbXVRk

crazyfish
25-10-2009, 02:45 PM
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which Murphy replies,"You idiot - if they fell forwards they'd still be in the bloody boat!!"

Crazy.....;D

sleepygreg
25-10-2009, 09:53 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says,

'That's OK. My name is Kevin and i'm going to a fancy dress party'

finga
26-10-2009, 07:28 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ' Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo poo.. It means someone stole the tent'.

sparkyice
27-10-2009, 04:47 AM
november is almost here, and you blokes down under are cooking under the noon day sun.
you can have it- this is what it's really all about!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLTJJ-lKOeI&feature=related

my favorite time of year!!!

baitwaster
27-10-2009, 12:01 PM
I love this Doctor!




Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on
exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you
live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want
to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And
pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable
product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that
way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you
have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact,
they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should
only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

groverwa
28-10-2009, 05:45 PM
DaneCross wrote (1st joke)

True Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys' night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom.........

And asking:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" ;D

Or a boaty type bloke could said"Is that broom your main or auxillary means of transport?" ;D ::)

groverwa
28-10-2009, 05:50 PM
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

A 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.



So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!'



The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'



But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!'



Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motor home

Because we didn't have that as a prize.



The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motor home!'



And she hands the ticket to the

Manager and HE reads...
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)








'W I N A B A G E L'

sleepygreg
28-10-2009, 10:57 PM
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

charleville
29-10-2009, 04:56 AM
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."



;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


.

thatsakeeper
29-10-2009, 03:54 PM
Two nuns are driving through pennsylvania when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet of their car and starts hissing and scratching the windscreen.

All the amount of swerving and braking couldnt lodge the creature from the vehicle so one nun says to the other "hold your roseary beads and pray".
The creature laughs and hisses and continues scratching.

So the other nun yells "hit him with the wipers and spray him with holy water that should do it" the water burns but he continued to hold on to the car.

Finally the nun says to the other "show him your cross"

So sister mary rolls down the window and yells

"Get the #%$# off of our car!!!"

Tester63
29-10-2009, 06:43 PM
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know
anyone..
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend away .

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied,

'I want to offer my deepest condolences!!

groverwa
29-10-2009, 09:58 PM
The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??

groverwa
29-10-2009, 10:12 PM
Gidday.

Now the Fred Dagg Careers Advice Bureau has already done more than enough to secure its place in the social history of this once great nation, but I think this report is probably amongst its more lasting achievements.

In essence it outlines how to go about the business of being a real estate agent, and as things stand at the moment if you’re not a real estate agent, then you’re probably being a fool to yourself and a burden to others.

Like so many other jobs in this wonderful society of ours, the basic function of the real estate agent is to increase the price of the article without actually producing anything, and as a result it has a lot to do with communication, terminology, and calling a spade a delightfully bucolic colonial winner facing north and offering a unique opportunity to the handyman.

If you’re going to enter the real estate field you’ll need to acquire a certain physical appearance which I won’t bore you with here, but if you’ve got gold teeth and laugh-lines around your pockets, then you’re through to the semis without dropping a set.

But the main thing to master, of course, is the vernacular, and basically this works as follows:
There are three types of houses:
1. Glorious commanding split-level ultra-modern dream homes, which are built on cliff faces;
2. Private bush-clad inglenooks, which are built down holes;
3. and very affordable solid family houses in much sought after streets, which are old gun-emplacements with awnings.

A cottage is a caravan with the wheels taken off.

A panoramic, breathtaking, or magnificent view is an indication that the house has windows, and if the view is unique, there’s probably only one window.

I have here the perfect advertisement for a house, so we’ll go through it and I’ll point out some of the more interesting features, so here we go, mind the step.
‘Owner transferred reluctantly instructs us to sell’ means the house is for sale.

‘Genuine reason for selling’ means the house is for sale.
‘Rarely can we offer’ means the house is for sale.

‘Superbly presented delightful charmer’ doesn’t mean anything really, but it’s probably still for sale.

‘Most attractive immaculate home of character in prime dress-circle position’ means that the thing that’s for sale is a house.

‘Unusual design with interesting and solidly built stairs’ means that the stairs are in the wrong place.

‘Huge spacious generous lounge commands this well serviced executive residence’ means the rest of the house is a rabbit-warren with rooms like cupboards.

‘Magnificent well-proportioned large convenient block with exquisite garden’ means there’s no view, but one of the trees had a flower on it the day we were up there.

‘Privacy, taste, charm, space, freedom, quiet, away from it all location in much sought-after cul-de-sac situation’ means that it’s not only built down a hole, it’s built at the very far end of the hole.

‘A must for all you artists, sculptors and potters’ means that only a lunatic would consider living in it.

‘2/3 bedrooms with possible in-law accommodation’ means it’s got two bedrooms and a tool shed.

‘Great buy, ring early for this one, inspection a must, priced to sell, new listing, see this one now, all offers considered, good value, be quick, inspection by appointment, view today, this one can’t last, sole agents, today’s best buy’ means the house is for sale, and if ever you see ‘investment opportunity’ turn away very quickly and have a go at the crossword

groverwa
30-10-2009, 03:43 PM
Soiled Bed Sheets!

This should make you smile and one for the Nurses & Security Guards as well!!

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out of the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: 'I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost.'

littlejim
30-10-2009, 04:56 PM
november is almost here, and you blokes down under are cooking under the noon day sun.
you can have it- this is what it's really all about!

&feature=related (http://&feature=related)

my favorite time of year!!!

have you got your spot entered in your GPS?

sparkyice
30-10-2009, 08:50 PM
have you got your spot entered in your GPS?

i don't need the gps...i marked the spot on the ice last year...:D

mowerman
31-10-2009, 01:17 PM
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and
a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that
they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got
into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every
evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red
with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect
night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took
his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to
enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was Anna Bligh.
That evening, the man brought Anna to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
- perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the
urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Anna
and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Anna batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for
him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'



.

Chimo
31-10-2009, 04:49 PM
Not super funny but nice anyhow :)

http://www.findingjoymovie.com/miami/

Damned67
31-10-2009, 06:09 PM
i don't need the gps...i marked the spot on the ice last year...:D

Hey Sparky, where are you doing your ice fishing?
I lived in Milwaukee for a few years, and if people weren't dear hunting in the winter, they were 'ice fishing'.... which is, of course, just a good ol' drinkin' session ;D

Although, I'm thinking that if you marked the spot on the ice last year, you're somewhere a little colder than the upper mid-west of the US?

sleepygreg
31-10-2009, 10:44 PM
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' She asks.
‘I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her
four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe
and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her
husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked
and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

‘My husband’s having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek
with the kids!!'

sleepygreg
31-10-2009, 10:45 PM
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility,
and to keep it from getting sunburned,
he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly,

it would lift itself."

groverwa
01-11-2009, 01:24 PM
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.


The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar$e and go as a toffee apple.

BGG
02-11-2009, 12:06 PM
TREATMENT for SUNBURN:


This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain.


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Chimo
02-11-2009, 04:29 PM
Women Are Evil By Nature...


A woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

Chimo
02-11-2009, 04:35 PM
Castaway

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It's certainly not a ship.”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

“Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. “Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!”

Chimo
02-11-2009, 04:39 PM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and says,
"I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang, bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Chimo
03-11-2009, 10:18 AM
Bottle of Wine

(Women may appreciate this, Men, Be warned!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.


The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, and can be evil bitches.
Men, Don't mess with them, you have been warned!

PNG1M
03-11-2009, 01:59 PM
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops

into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie .

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

PNG1M
03-11-2009, 02:16 PM
A bloke was on a long trip driving from Melbourne to Darwin, via QLD.


The weather was hot; his a/c was playing up and he was hungry.

He found an isolated roadhouse near the QLD/NT border so he decided to stop for a feed.


He went in and there was a scrawny looking old sheila dressed in a shabby sleeve-less knee length skirt with a fag hangin' out of her mouth. A few flies were buzzing around near the counter area.

"So, what'll it be?" she asked, "Do you want to order?"

The bloke was pretty hungry so he checked the menu and said, "I'll have a beef burger and a hot dog thanks."


The sheila went to the freezer and took out a saveloy and beef pattie.

Then she shoved the beef pattie under her sweaty arm pit and pressed down.

Surprised, the bloke said "Hey, what are you doing that for?"

She replied, "Well, because of the heat and the flies I need to keep food in the freezer. This is a fast food joint so this is the best way to thaw the beef patties out quickly. The body heat works wonders!"


The bloke looked her up and down, glanced at the saveloi and thought for a second & then said...

"In that case, cancel the hotdog!!"

Chimo
03-11-2009, 04:45 PM
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.


He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.


(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.


'Where's Christian?' he asked.


'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'


Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'


Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........


(You're going to love this...............................)
.
.
.
.
.

.

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

Mac1952
04-11-2009, 05:53 PM
A bloke was on a long trip driving from Melbourne to Darwin, via QLD.


The weather was hot; his a/c was playing up and he was hungry.

He found an isolated roadhouse near the QLD/NT border so he decided to stop for a feed.


He went in and there was a scrawny looking old sheila dressed in a shabby sleeve-less knee length skirt with a fag hangin' out of her mouth. A few flies were buzzing around near the counter area.

"So, what'll it be?" she asked, "Do you want to order?"

The bloke was pretty hungry so he checked the menu and said, "I'll have a beef burger and a hot dog thanks."


The sheila went to the freezer and took out a saveloy and beef pattie.

Then she shoved the beef pattie under her sweaty arm pit and pressed down.

Surprised, the bloke said "Hey, what are you doing that for?"

She replied, "Well, because of the heat and the flies I need to keep food in the freezer. This is a fast food joint so this is the best way to thaw the beef patties out quickly. The body heat works wonders!"


The bloke looked her up and down, glanced at the saveloi and thought for a second & then said...

"In that case, cancel the hotdog!!"
Hope the husband didn't make the donuts.......

Chimo
04-11-2009, 07:11 PM
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour ######## who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'