Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated [Archive] - Page 10 - Ausfish fishing Australia, Australian Angling Forums

sandman55

29-03-2009, 06:41 PM

KEEPING IN TOUCH

Dear Wife....I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email.

John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.

Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper.

Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who empties your porta potty for you.

Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes..... I have a new job.

Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off!

Love, Your Husband

Chimo

30-03-2009, 02:36 PM

Why Men (Apparently) Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Walter

Donny Boy

30-03-2009, 02:43 PM

Superb - -
it needs to be read slowly and carefully to be appreciated!!!

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying posspits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse overollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart."Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted,he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Donny Boy

30-03-2009, 02:49 PM

Ta Don, You ought to see the ones I cannot post here!

Cheers
Chimo GOM

Yeah....me too !!;)

coucho

31-03-2009, 08:19 AM

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the
loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing
the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then
looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the
tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. Did anyone
else see my face?'
calls the robber. There are a few moments of silence, then one elderly
Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think
me wife may have caught a glimpse....'

tailorboi99

31-03-2009, 08:21 AM

Good jokes guys, keep them coming. Hahaha :D

Tom

groverwa

31-03-2009, 01:10 PM

For a utube audio on the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters go to::-

http://technorati.com/videos/youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Deip-u1v3bag

Not Ronnie though

Mike

groverwa

31-03-2009, 01:21 PM

Hope this does not offend

These are tongue-twisters which are not themselves rude, but they are dangerous because if you try saying them fast then you might end up saying something naughty!

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
Because the pheasant plucker's late.

I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit;
and on the slitted sheet I sit.
One smart fellow; he felt smart.
Two smart fellows; they felt smart.
Three smart fellows; they all felt smart.

I'm not the fig plucker,
Nor the fig pluckers' son,
But I'll pluck figs
Till the fig plucker comes.

Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front.
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.

Six stick shifts stuck shut.

Donny Boy

01-04-2009, 12:53 PM

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

The couple sat and waited, and waited.

Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

'What if it doesn't work' they wondered, 'are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

'Jesus H. Christ!' yells St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St.. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

;);)::)

Donny Boy

01-04-2009, 01:03 PM

Maggie Murphy was sitting in the front row of the Balcony seats in the Chapel, when she overbalanced and fell.....................

And she was hurtling down towards the congregation, when the lace on her knickers got caught on a screw sticking out of the Chandeleir......and there she stayed............ swinging up and down above the congregation during Prayer.

The Priest thunders
" If any man turns to look at that poor unfortunate woman, may the Lord strike him Blind !!!! "

And with that, O'Rielly turns to Casey and says......................

" Oi tink I'll risk One eye !!!! " :D;D::)

groverwa

02-04-2009, 02:34 PM

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
"I 'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it
would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:"You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts,
no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
.................................................. .................................................. ....................

An older gentleman was on the operating table
Awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best
And just remember, if it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother is going to come and
Live with you and your wife...."

Chimo

03-04-2009, 07:28 PM

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?':P

bdowdy

03-04-2009, 08:43 PM

broncos...lol

Chimo

04-04-2009, 10:45 AM

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
>
>
> One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the
> Front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
> I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
>
> On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old
> ladies lying naked on the lawn.
> This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the
> Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying
> naked on your Front lawn?'
> 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, - they're having a garage sale.'

weasel

05-04-2009, 03:23 PM

A trucker who haas been on the road for three weeks stops at a brothel in Kalgoolie.He walks straight up to the Madam drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest women and a burnt chop! The Madam is astonished. But sir, for that kind of money you can have one of my finest ladies and a three course meal.The truckie replies ,listen sweetheart, Im not horny.......Im homesick!

Dave

Chimo

06-04-2009, 09:19 PM

The definitive explanation of ...

MARKETING

This will clear up any confusion ...

You're a woman and you see a handsome man at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome man.

One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome man at a party.

You go up to himand get his telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You see a man at a party, you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.

You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm...

And then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome man.

He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome man.

He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.

So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

I hope you all have a complete understanding of Marketing now;)

Chimo

06-04-2009, 09:23 PM

"The Old Fisherman"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking, old retired fisherman in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.

This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --

chair, whip and a gun.Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge
her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her
beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then
turns to the retired fisherman and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old fisherman replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way." :P

sparkyice

07-04-2009, 08:39 PM

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop for directions, and finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew was eating their lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

Still eating their lunch, the workers gathered around the grave. I played with all my heart and soul.

As I played, the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before. I played everything from "Going Home," "The Lord is My Shepherd," to "Flowers of the Forest." I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another," Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

harry_h01

08-04-2009, 07:57 AM

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
After 6 months: I'm BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it's for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I'm going to watch PIRATES play, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!

Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I'm suffocating here!!!!

Mrs Ronnie H

08-04-2009, 04:11 PM

Hi
thought someone might get a laugh

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" he would tell me to take a few
days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the boss
might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in
the world are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,"..
And where do you think you're going....

She said, "I'm going home, too. You can't possibly expect me to work in
the dark!

Ronnie

Chimo

09-04-2009, 02:33 PM

THE COWBOY

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...

Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

Chimo

09-04-2009, 02:34 PM

A heartwarming story.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping Centre.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my granddad!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

' Bundaberg Rum and sheilas with big t*ts.'

Chimo

09-04-2009, 02:36 PM

The Stimulus Package

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Yarralumla

One is from Canberra, another is from Melbourne, and the third is from Sydney.

All three go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Canberra contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Sydney contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Sydney contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Melbourne to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Chimo

09-04-2009, 08:35 PM

Two guys in Bunnings

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big bo*obs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

Most old timers are helpful like that!

sandman55

09-04-2009, 10:14 PM

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:

One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the damn light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NOBODY EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE !@#&*( TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?

charleville

10-04-2009, 04:11 PM

A bloke went to see his neighbour and knocked on their door. When the lady of the house answered, he thought she looked a bit pale and upset. He asked her if her husband was in. 'Johnny passed away this morning I'm afraid' she said.

'Oh dear, that's awful' the bloke said 'What on earth happened?'

'Well he just told me that he felt a little poorly and took to his bed and that was it'

The bloke didn't know what to say. He asked if she was with him at the end. 'Yes. I was' she sobbed. The bloke enquired if he managed any last words. 'Well, yes a few' she said.

So the bloke asked her, 'He didn't say anything about a tin of red paint did he?'

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

sandman55

11-04-2009, 12:34 PM

The Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That''s great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that''s it!" He turned to his wife.. ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

sandman55

15-04-2009, 11:52 AM

A vegetative state

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room chatting about things and......life... and... Then, we talked about living and dying.

I said to her: ' Dear, if ever I end up in a vegetative state when you are alive, please never let me go on like that.....totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die'.

Up went my wife from the sofa, with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the Ipod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!

groverwa

19-04-2009, 05:05 AM

The Eunuch's Association There is a Eunuch's Association in India that has a limited membership. There are only 500 members allowed at any one time.

Each year they have their AGM at the Calcutta Race Club and after the business session has concluded they stage a race around the track for all 500 members.

The race is called the India Knackerless 500.

Chimo

19-04-2009, 09:26 AM

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird... My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Chimo

19-04-2009, 09:30 AM

THE FUNERAL

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a Pit Bull dog on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"

"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

akman1

19-04-2009, 10:03 AM

No offence but I'm over reading the same jokes time and time again with only a couple of word changes......

danryan75

19-04-2009, 11:35 AM

nobody is making you read them

Sea-Dog

21-04-2009, 07:38 AM

(spoken in General Berkholter from Hogan's Heros accent)
Akman1, you must read the jokes and do not stop until we tell you to stop.

When you reach the end, just start at page 1 again.

Am I clear? ;D

Chimo

21-04-2009, 11:46 AM

SD et al

Don't be so harsh, some of us have better memories than others ....

.........................................now what was I writing this post about............. don't tell me it'll come to me .................. Nuh lost it ...........

C

TimiBoy

21-04-2009, 01:24 PM

I remember getting criticised for publishing a repeat. Here's the thing;

Is it a requirement to check every one of 50 odd pages before placing a joke? Obviously not.

Maybe those complaining might have a rethink - I'm wondering who the joke's on, if they're really that offended...

Take a chill pill, eh?

Cheers,

Tim

Noelm

21-04-2009, 02:17 PM

if you do not know it, there was a guy many years ago who was used to put out oil well fires, his name was Red Adair (that's true by the way)
So as it happened there was a huge Oil well fire in Texas, but due to the recession, not a lot of money was available to fight it, so the boss had heard of the famous Oil well fire fighter from Ireland, Green Adair, a quick call to him, they agree on a price and he sets off to texas, when the plane arrives, it is a big Green Jumbo, it stops on the runway near the fire and the rear drops down and out comes a big green fire truck with a dozen guys in green overalls in the back, it roars up to the welcome party, but doesn't stop, it just goes straight past, towards the Police line, and it still does not stop, the Police all jump for their lives, and it continues onto the fire and races straight in and bangs into the well, out jump all the fireman and beat the fire out with wet Potatoe sacks, when it is extinguished, they are all black and burnt, and Green Adair turns to Paddy and say, Paddy, when we get our money, the first thing we are going to do is "fix the brakes on that f*&king truck!!!

Chimo

21-04-2009, 07:27 PM

Back on the horse again....Giddy Up :P

Golf

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Any night you want."

mowerman

21-04-2009, 07:47 PM

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's ##### is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are
standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Rod

baitwaster

22-04-2009, 07:15 AM

An Obituary printed in theLondonTimes-not a joke and makes you think

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Chimo

22-04-2009, 09:21 AM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started......

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Chimo

22-04-2009, 07:24 PM

(New) Actual court conversations

Warning!!! Read these very slowly!

They are very complex and extremely complicated and just might, could possibly, go over your head.

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Chimo

22-04-2009, 07:26 PM

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern
education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane
That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The
boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe
this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to
teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in
the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street
Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

sparkyice

23-04-2009, 01:30 AM

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I've got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor,
"I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's
the line?"
"Hark I hear the cannons roar" says the agent.
"Hark I hear the cannons roar?" the actor questions.
"Yes, hark I hear the cannons roar" confirms the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on
stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday
evening".

The actor is so ecstatic he got the job that he leaves and heads straight to his favorite bar and goes on a major bender.

He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening, after his bender, and runs to the
theatre continually repeating his line;
"Hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the
bouncer.
"Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'""
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"you're late, get up to makeup straight away."

So he runs up to make up continually repeating his line;
"Hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?"
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup.
"Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"

So he dashes down to the stage continually repeating his line;
"Hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?"
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"Get on there, the curtains
about to go up"

So he tears onto the stage.
The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly from behind him comes an enourmously loud blast-

KA-BOOM!!

and then the actor shouts "WHAT THE F*&$ WAS THAT !?!?!?!?!"

Chimo

23-04-2009, 12:02 PM

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her hard in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.'

disorderly

24-04-2009, 03:31 PM

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face".

bungie

25-04-2009, 11:38 PM

(Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers)

Note: For those that don't know, "The Sled"is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane.

In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots,"
Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph who don't know)
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
--------------------------------------------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,
"Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
--------------------------------------------
When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

------------------------

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

------------------------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line of aircraft "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

--------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your lastknown position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

--------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"

--------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

------------------------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7, did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

----------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-wittedcomedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'd have enough parts for another one."

--------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

----------------------------------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Chimo

26-04-2009, 07:59 AM

Bungi

Not wishing to be unkind; but a little bit of editing goes a long way!::) :-*

Cheers
Chimo

bungie

26-04-2009, 09:35 AM

Chimo, your right, checking before hitting the save button goes a long way. I have fixed above so now it reads as it should, ohh, speaking of checking before hitting "save", there is an "e" on the end of bungie ::) ;D ;D

Chimo

26-04-2009, 10:02 AM

Just doing the phonetic thing!

Cheers
C

Chimo

27-04-2009, 07:17 AM

Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK.

The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother.
'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
'It's okay' said the Mom,
'I know what happened
You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy,
'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

Chimo

27-04-2009, 09:47 AM

Some years ago, Seamus married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Seamus waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Seamus looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
'And that, me son, is how ya waves a f%kkin' towel!'

sandman55

27-04-2009, 12:11 PM

Stress Management

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

sparkyice

28-04-2009, 04:47 AM

my mate was over to my place the other night, and we were well into our pints.
my mastiff bent over and began licking himself, with what appeared to be a good deal of self satisfaction.
we watched him for a moment when bob says, "that looks like so much fun, if i could do that, i'd get a divorce"

"have you ever tried it, bob?" i asked

"no", he says. " i don't know that i'm man enough"

"well, bob, " says i, " give it a try. i don't think he'll bite ya"

maztez

29-04-2009, 11:22 AM

CONQUER THE SCOTS
Edward Longshanks (Edward 1 of England )comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings with him 4,000 men .As he nears the battlefield ,there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill .A short ,ginger haired guy in a kilt."Hammer O the Scot's ' yells the wee scottish guy on the hill .'Come up here ,ya English bastards ,and I'll give ye a hammerin !.
Edward turns to his commander .'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart' he says .The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.
Ten minutes later ,at the crest of the hill , the little Scotsman appears again . 'Ya english diddies ! , he yells.' Come on the rest of ye !! come on ,I'll have the rest of ye !! Come on ,I'll have ye all !.
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed . He turns to his commander. ' Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!.The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job .
Ten minutes later , the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more ,his hair sticking up ,his shirt a wee bit torn . ' Ya English scum !he yells . I'm just warming up !! come and get me ,Ya English shite !!
Edward loses patience , 'Commander , take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH !!!' he yells. The commander gulps ,but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later , the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn , his face is covered in blood , snot and Irn-Bru.
" Is that the best ye can do ???? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! come and have a go ya bunch of English Shite !!!' he yells .
Edward turns to his second in command .' Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back until you've killed him ! he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate .
Ten minutes later ,one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill . He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn . ' Your Majesty !' he yells.

' It's a trap !!! There's TWO of them !!!'

Xahn1960

29-04-2009, 08:40 PM

The Prodigal Daughters Return!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

slyman

03-05-2009, 08:33 PM

Made a phone call to the Health Department the other day to ask about this swine flu epidemic, but all I got on the line was crackling.

When I did get through, they told me that one of the major symptoms of swine flu was breaking out in rashers.

Then they told me it could be treated with a daily application of a newly developed oinkment.

Donny Boy

04-05-2009, 01:32 PM

......................... As Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet wandered home through the snow in Hundred Acre Wood, Piglet smiled to himself and thought about how lucky he was to have a best friend like Pooh............

And Pooh though to himself ..." If this pig bastard sneezes, he's f***in' dead !!!" ;)

Donny Boy

04-05-2009, 01:43 PM

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?""Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed
and onto ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate. "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform,
five ft off ze ground.... and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper.
I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'.""And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze
ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet.
Eet is beneath my dignity'.""What 'appened zen?" asks his mate."Zen....... 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet
above ze parade ground.

E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said
"If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?" "A leetle............ at ze beginning."

coucho

04-05-2009, 02:17 PM

Three fellows are waiting outside the clubhouse for the fourth of their party to arrive and he is very late. They decide to ask the next person who arrives to make up the foursome.
Of course the next person who arrives is a spectacularly proportioned blonde lady.
They approach her and ask if she would like to make up their foursome.
She says, "No, I couldn’t possibly. I am only an amateur. I couldn’t possibly play golf with people of your expertise. I would make a fool of myself. No!"
The three fellows summon all of their persuasive techniques and soon have her on the first tee.
The lady says "Ooooh, I’ve never played golf with real players before. Please would you all go first so I don’t really make myself look too foolish."
The first fellow steps up and hits a reasonably creditable drive well down the fairway, and the lady says "Ooooh!, I’ve never played golf with anyone who can play golf as well as
this before." and the fellow says "Not bad for a bloke with a disability was it ?" and the lady says, "Come on you haven’t got a disability" and he says "I have. I have a wooden arm", and she says "C’mon!!!" and with that he screws off his wooden arm, and she says "WOW!"
The second fellow steps up to the tee, addresses, and hits quite a good drive, about 20 yards further than the first bloke’s but a bit to the right, and the lady says, "Oooooh!, I’ve never played golf with anyone who can play golf as well as this before." and the fellow says "Not bad for a bloke with a disability was it?", and she says "C’mon you haven’t got a wooden arm!!" and he says "No, I have a wooden leg." and with that he screws off his leg. She says "WOW!!"
The third fellow steps up to the tee and hits a screamer, just short of the green, and the lady says, "Oooooh!, I’ve never played golf with anyone who can play golf as well as this before! I suppose you are going to tell me that you have a disability." He says "Well, as a matter of fact, yes I do." and she says, "Well I can see you haven’t got a wooden arm or a wooden leg??". He says "No, as a matter of fact I have a wooden heart." and she says, "C’mon, you don’t expect me to believe that!!" and he says "Come on and I will show you." and with that he takes her hand and they disappear down into the rough beside the fairway.

Pretty soon the other two fellows get fed up with waiting to continue so they creep down and peer over the bushes and sure enough there he is screwing his heart out.

coucho

04-05-2009, 02:18 PM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time: PRICELESS

coucho

04-05-2009, 02:21 PM

>A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
>him. She says hello.
>He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
>
>So he says, "Do you know me?"
>To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
>Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to
>his wife and says,
>
>"My God, are you the stripper from my friend's bachelor party that I
made
>love to on the pool table
> with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with
wet
>celery?"
>
>
>She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
>"No, I'm your son's teacher.

coucho

04-05-2009, 02:24 PM

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so!

coucho

04-05-2009, 02:44 PM

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you
find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a
gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is
honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

coucho

04-05-2009, 03:06 PM

A father passing by his
son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything
was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, it was
addressed, "Dad."
With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew
you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her
tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday,
I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

BGG

05-05-2009, 06:27 PM

The Itch...

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him
1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber,
Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............ Pay your bills

Donny Boy

06-05-2009, 10:36 AM

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding
anniversary when the wife says................

'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.
Before we were married ..............I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says .........
'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you.
In fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our life a bit?'

She said ..............................

'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Western Suburbs .........

:o :o :o :o

BobbyJ123

06-05-2009, 12:18 PM

Katie Couric,from American CBS News programme, while interviewing a Royal Marine sniper in Afghanistan, asked:

"What do you feel when you shoot a Taliban Fighter?"

The Marine shrugged and replied, "A slight recoil."

Hard to fault a Marine who is that eloquent!!

CreelReaper

06-05-2009, 10:36 PM

Paddy asks Murphy.....
"Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards???"
to which Murphy replies....
Ye'r a bloody thick twat ain't ya Paddy, if they fell forward they'd still be on their flaming boat!!!!

groverwa

08-05-2009, 06:02 AM

Press Release

Scare At Eagles Headquarters

Training was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially the Club thought it was a prank!!

Whoosha immediately suspended training, while police and the ASIO (Australia Special Investigations Office) were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, WA Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.

Practice will resume this afternoon after Police and ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.::) ::) ::)

groverwa

08-05-2009, 06:10 AM

What you have to do to get a hospital bed

Nanny King NQ

08-05-2009, 01:37 PM

I rang the swine flu hotline last night.

I was trying to get some information on the symptoms.

As I listened all I got was crackling.

akman1

10-05-2009, 03:30 PM

More of the swine..........

Treatment for Swine Flu: Spend the night in a smoky room

and in the morning you will be cured

groverwa

10-05-2009, 04:56 PM

For the slightly twisted amongst us - http://www.pendland.com/html/cow.html

Mike

Chimo

10-05-2009, 05:04 PM

Mike
Your a sick puppy; too:cowboy:

Chimo

groverwa

10-05-2009, 06:10 PM

Yeah Chimo

Takes one to one

Wasnt sure if I should have posted it

Mike

BGG

11-05-2009, 07:49 AM

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You still have time)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Chimo

11-05-2009, 12:33 PM

OUR JOBS ARE SAFE AS LONG AS THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE.

ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied..
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed up.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it...
Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?
I said to her 'I've changed my mind I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said, 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE.
Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her.
With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX.
My neighbour works in the I.T. Department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branches who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

SEVEN.

Police in Dubbo, NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

Life is tough... It's tougher if you're stupid

STUIE63

11-05-2009, 01:01 PM

OUR JOBS ARE SAFE AS LONG AS THESE PEOPLE ARE OUTTHERE.

ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you couldhave an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied..
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed up.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it...
Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?
I said to her 'I've changed my mind I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said, 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote.Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a batteryto fit this?'
'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE.
Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her.
With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX.
My neighbour works in the I.T. Department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problemswith their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branches who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

SEVEN.

Police in Dubbo, NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

Life is tough... It's tougher if you're stupid
common sense isn't real common anymore . and to think these people are out there breeding and lowering the gene pool
Stuie

Wyoming

11-05-2009, 01:13 PM

I was casually walking through the cemetry early on Friday morningwhen I saw a guy, lying low near one of the headstones.

"Morning" I said

"No, just having a shit" he replied....

akman1

11-05-2009, 06:44 PM

beazttyjegbtqa

reelcrazy

11-05-2009, 10:28 PM

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an
Aussie are all walking together one day..

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.

Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

groverwa

12-05-2009, 04:49 AM

Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference coincidently held in his home town. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I visited once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin fart?"

Chimo

12-05-2009, 07:04 AM

OLD CHUCK

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.

"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED

CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

harry_h01

12-05-2009, 07:56 AM

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

NICK GRIFFIN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking Brit.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain
and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN
His was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have
to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the
"black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

harry_h01

12-05-2009, 07:58 AM

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Chimo

12-05-2009, 10:36 AM

A little girl's prayer

Dear God

This year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer ...

Amen

groverwa

13-05-2009, 10:48 PM

Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with an old cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful,but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
Then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."

groverwa

13-05-2009, 10:52 PM

Little Jonny
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it ashe's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mum screams, "knock it off, you're going to break
something. He stops and eventually Mum leaves for a short trip to the
shopping centre.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has leftfor the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toiletwhere he leaves it.

Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery, gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! Shecalls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation,but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom and he gets downon his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takesout his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! Theballoon explodes and #### is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right??" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this
is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!

coucho

14-05-2009, 10:46 AM

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse........
next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Donny Boy

14-05-2009, 03:01 PM

Harvey Norman has relinquished the sponsorship rights to the NSW State of Origin side for the 2009 series.

The rights have been purchased by James Packer, on the strict condition that the NSW State of Origin Branding use the Packer family name.

They will now officially be known as the "Packer Bastards !!"

Must be that time of year again !!!

GO YOU MIGHTY MAROONS !!! QUEENSLANDER !!!!

mowerman

14-05-2009, 04:49 PM

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENSE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ POSTODE______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother?_____________

Priest or Pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _______________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT To THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS

__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative
_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)

mowerman

14-05-2009, 04:52 PM

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sx without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sx, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

mowerman

14-05-2009, 04:55 PM

Think you are having a bad day?
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?

Chimo

15-05-2009, 08:34 PM

BACK TO REALITY:D

Does this make sense?

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France the holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening.

Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Aussie PM arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a €100 note on the reception counter, because he's a fussy sod he takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes €100

The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay €100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the €100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Aussie PM is coming down to reception. He informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory. He takes back his €100 and departs

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future

COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE GFC?

groverwa

15-05-2009, 08:53 PM

The media has been very big on the flu that is going around and we can't help but be aware of the symptoms and the methods of catching it. I thought those people running around with masks on were trying to do nothing but a bad Michael Jackson impersonisation until ...

We went out to dinner with a group of friends.
Yes, there was air kissing.
Yes, there was touching and laughing at close quarters.
NO, there was no sharing of body fluids and no sneezing that I can recall.
Some MAY have shared eating utensils or sipped from others' drinks (checking the merits of others' choices).

There was good food, good wine and a good time was had by all.

However, I have now suffered the following symptoms .....
After an initial emotional high and subsequent pleasant drowsiness; a heavy, stupor-like slumber followed by an interrupted sleep pattern; a seemingly unquenchable thirst; sensitivity to bright light and loud noises; severe headache, mild stomach upset; irritability and chronic lethargy. These symptoms lasted 12 to 18 hours and were, apparently, experienced by nearly all partygoers!

The only one who did not suffer was my sister-in-law who, being the paranoid, spinster wowser that she is, was already on antibiotics and drank only BOTTLED water all night!

I discovered that Tamiflu and Relenza have NO EFFECT on these symptoms at all!

So I suppose it is off to the vampires to donate a blood sample.:o :o :o

Chimo

18-05-2009, 02:22 PM

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum

Chimo

18-05-2009, 02:26 PM

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin..'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? ......What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!

But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!

Chimo

18-05-2009, 02:37 PM

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise..

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World.
Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED BY KRUDD OR HIS US EQUIVALENT THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS.

akman1

18-05-2009, 08:44 PM

A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy admitted that this was the case.

'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mac1952

19-05-2009, 08:29 PM

Chimo,
Thanks for brightening a bad day with some brilliant stuff!!!!

Mac

groverwa

19-05-2009, 08:44 PM

The effects of BEER - lady fisher persons must not look at this site

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

Mike

BGG

20-05-2009, 06:54 AM

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing an All Blacks jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark.
As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semi-conscious Kiwi fan from the water.
Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions.
I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and New Zealand rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing.
Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

Chimo

20-05-2009, 10:01 AM

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop the pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down..

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill.....

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

That's what I like about a dog!!!

Chimo

20-05-2009, 10:15 AM

Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia ' - POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious land.' - POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

Donny Boy

20-05-2009, 01:57 PM

Yeah......I heard the same gag last year but it was a Victorian, a NSW'er and a QLD'er.
After the NSW gut was done whinging about State of Origin etc, It was the Qld'er that said " Fill it up! "

Donny Boy

20-05-2009, 01:59 PM

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

:o:o:o:o

Chimo

20-05-2009, 08:37 PM

Take special notice of the moral of the story - so true!!!

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to AltonTowers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....

sparkyice

20-05-2009, 10:58 PM

Nortdakota cow

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about a nice one for sale over in Nortdakota (that would be 'North
Dakota' for the non-Scandinavians out there).

He drives to Nortdakota, finds the farm and takes a look at the cow. Then
he reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and
pulls ..... the cow farts.

Ole pauses, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under
the cow to try again. He grabs another teat and pulls ... and the cow
farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after a brief negotiation with the cow's
current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and
says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull
her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nortdakota,
didn't yah?"
Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip and replies,
"Yah, dat's right, but how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Nortdakota."

groverwa

21-05-2009, 08:49 AM

A Woman's Week at the Gym
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband gave me a week of personal
training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape
since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god -- with blond hair,
dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early
in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo
put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Christo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late -- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He
took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny girl to find me. Then,
as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that jerk Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of
my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with
it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice
made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a hysterectomy. I still say, if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Chimo

21-05-2009, 07:26 PM

Possibly G minus?

The Meaty Bites Diet
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my d!ck and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b!tch...why else would I buy dog food??

akman1

22-05-2009, 01:10 PM

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking
> her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
>
> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
> discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
>
> rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
> The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh## now!' Noticing some
> bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
> bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about
> to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious
> leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'
>
> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
> of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!',
> says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
>
> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
> tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
> protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
> heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
> must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
> beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
> The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here,
> monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
> canine!'
>
> Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
> and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the
> dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
> them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
> says:
>
> 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
> another leopard!'
>
> Moral of this story....
>
>
> Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome
> youth and skill! Bullsh## and brilliance only come with age and
> experience.
>
> I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more
> youthfully challenged.

groverwa

22-05-2009, 01:23 PM

The difference between Bullsh!t and Cowsh!t

To tell the difference between the above mentioned items you must throw one up into the air and if it comes back down then it is Cowsh!t but if it does not come back down then it is definitely Bullsh!t

sparkyice

23-05-2009, 03:32 AM

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a
coffee break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store
wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,
sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a
soft voice asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,
you're doing well. Only two left.'

Tezza@Tannum

23-05-2009, 08:39 AM

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Bledisloe Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"

"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie b@stards (b@stards) wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

Tezza@Tannum

23-05-2009, 08:41 AM

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke <

A bloke walks into a Glasgow Libary and says to the prim Libarian,

"Excuse me miss, dey ye hiv any books on suicide?"

To which she replys "Fook off ye'll not brink it back!"

Chimo

23-05-2009, 04:08 PM

IT vs. Management

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 27 and 28 degrees south latitude and between 153 and 154 degrees east longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault..."

charleville

24-05-2009, 12:24 AM

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord ."

Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly annoyed that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart alec. You get up here and do it !"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing, " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

Chimo

24-05-2009, 07:50 PM

Hi Charlie

Another sick puppy! Good to see theres a few of us.

Cheers
Chimo

Chimo

25-05-2009, 04:31 PM

G plus, sent to me by a Lady may have been a GOW tho.

It's Hell Getting Old

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said to him, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this "first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' the old man
replied, 'Yep none of us could get the jar open.

PinHead

25-05-2009, 04:49 PM

A young football player is in a bar. He starts talking to a woman who is obviously quite a bit older than he is. She tells him she is 61. he is fine with that as she looks quite young for her age plus he starts wondering if she has a daughter..
The night wears on and the woman invites the footballer home to her place..he agrees.
One the way home she says to him, "have you ever had a sportmans double?"
"I don't know what that is." he replies.
"Oh, that is a mother / daughter scenario."
"Wow", says the fottballer. " I would love to try that."

When they arrive at the woman's place, she unlocks the door..walks in..turns on the light and yells out:
"Mum, are you awake?"

Chimo

25-05-2009, 05:02 PM

And yet one more sick puppy!

shrunken pojie

26-05-2009, 06:46 PM

23 of the worst jokes you'll ever hear

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... You'd think at least one of them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy Marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." .."How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I Think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery Acid,and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several Places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a Small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.. Irish search and Rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
To climb as digging continues into the night...

Chimo

27-05-2009, 07:10 PM

The Hair Cut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a university professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament

Chimo

27-05-2009, 07:43 PM

I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

Sea-Dog

27-05-2009, 09:33 PM

....

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!...

Most Americans should be safe then...................:P

Greg P

27-05-2009, 11:47 PM

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana ..He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn.. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Pass this on to all your friends, just in case they're having a bad day!!!

groverwa

28-05-2009, 10:58 AM

It has been brought to my attention that emails are being sent world wide that indicate that Swine Flu can be caught by eating tinned pork but it is only SPAM;D ;D ;D

sandman55

28-05-2009, 02:46 PM

The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is" While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and an absolutly gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Quick son, go get your mother!!!"

Chimo

28-05-2009, 07:33 PM

Attention GOMs and others...............
AAADD
>
> KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
>
> Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
> Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
>
> Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
> Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
>
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my garden.
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
> I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage,
> I notice mail on the porch table that
> I brought up from the mail box earlier.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys on the table,
> put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
> and notice that the can is full.
>
> So, I decide to put the bills back
> on the table and take out the garbage first.
>
> But then I think,
> since I'm going to be near the mailbox
> when I take out the garbage anyway,
> I may as well pay the bills first.
>
> I take my check book off the table,
> and see that there is only one check left.
>
>
>
> My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
> so I go inside the house to my desk where
> I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my checks,
> but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>
> The Pepsi is getting warm,
> and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
> a vase of flowers on the counter
> catches my eye--they need water.
>
> I put the Pepsi on the counter and
> discover my reading glasses that
> I've been searching for all morning.
>
>
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk,
> but first I'm going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the counter,
> fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
> I'll be looking for the remote,
> but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
> so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
> but first I'll water the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers,
> but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
>
> So, I set the remote back on the table,
> get some towels and wipe up the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to
> remember what I was planning to do.
> At the end of the day:
>
> the car isn't washed
> the bills aren't paid
> there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
> the flowers don't have enough water,
> there is still only 1 check in my check book,
> I can't find the remote,
> I can't find my glasses,
> and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
> I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
>
> I realize this is a serious problem,
> and I'll try to get some help for it,
> but first I'll check my e-mail....
>
> Do me a favour.
> Forward this message to everyone you know,
> because I don't remember
> who the hell I've sent it to.
>
> Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

groverwa

28-05-2009, 08:17 PM

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
1 Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2 Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7 Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9 Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10 How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT

coucho

29-05-2009, 09:52 AM

new nikon with face finder technology! need to open them up

46794
46793

coucho

29-05-2009, 01:02 PM

One weekday, a man decides to go golfing instead of going to work. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to make it to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?" "
No, I guess not," says God.
The man drives six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495-yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks,
"Why did you let him do that?"
To this, God says, "Who's he going to tell?"

coucho

29-05-2009, 01:22 PM

male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still

heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,

Sir.. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles

black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry

about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment

and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his ##### in one hand and

his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them

around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's

nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and

says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen

very, very closely..... .

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - ba c k ? '

Donny Boy

29-05-2009, 01:38 PM

A Vietnamese doctor says’ medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and
have him looking for work in six weeks'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing, we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in
four weeks'

A Russian doctor says ' In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks'

The Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind.
We recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland ,put him in Canberra for four years and now half the country is looking for work'

::):o

groverwa

29-05-2009, 09:08 PM

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner..

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

Donny Boy

30-05-2009, 08:26 AM

OBVIOUS REALLY!!!!!!

One day in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there, is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

“This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.!! “

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

“Ah,” said God. “That's Queensland, the most glorious place on earth.

There are beautiful people, Two Premiership football teams in the South East alone, many of whose players form the backbone of some of the greatest Representative Sporting sides to ever set foot onto a Sporting Field.
It has many impressive cities; it is the home of the World's Best Weather, Musicians, Writers, Thinkers, Sportsmen & Women, and Politicians.

The people from Queensland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
“What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE !”

God replied very wisely, “Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South !”

;D;D;D;D;D;D

It's Origin time !!! :D;)

Donny Boy

30-05-2009, 08:41 AM

As a Bloke & his wife, complete with the Mother-in-Law in the back seat, drove through the Toll Gates on a major Highway, Alarms went off, Bells started ringing, ..........there was a hell of a noise going on.

A Policeman approached the now-stationery Car and said to the Bloke......

" Congratulations !.......You're the 10 Millionth Car to pass through these Gates....

You've just won $ 100,000 in Cash !....How do you feel ??"

Now, the guys a bit surprised to say the least, and says to the Copper.........

" Geez.....I....uh....dunno !!

" Whaddya reckon you'll do with the money ??" asks the Copper.

"Well" says the guy......."I guess I might use some of it to finally get me Drivers' Licence...!!"

The Copper says " What ??......What was that !!??"

And the guys wife leans over & says to the Cop...............

" Aw....don't listen to him Officer.......He's Drunk......!!!!"

More than a bit shocked by now, the Copper says " Sir...., would you please step out of the Car !! "

And the Mother-in-Law leans over & says.....................

"See !!
I told you you'd have nothing but trouble driving a stolen bloody Car !!"

:o:o

akman1

02-06-2009, 07:45 PM

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in
Islamabadand have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies almost ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are"Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies,just in case.

And at a local level...New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the Air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "she'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.;D ;D

Xahn1960

02-06-2009, 10:21 PM

Little Bruce

Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"We are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher
saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two ####in’ Arabs!..."

Xahn1960

02-06-2009, 10:33 PM

AFL or NRL ?

36
Have been accused of spousal abuse

7
Have been arrested for fraud

19
Have been accused of writing bad cheques

117
Have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3
Have done time for assault

71,
Repeat
71
Cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14
Have been arrested on drug-related charges

8
Have been arrested for shoplifting

21
Currently
Are defendants in lawsuits and

84
Have been arrested for drunk driving
In
The last year

Can you guess which organization this is? AFL? NRL?

Give up yet? .. . ..

Scroll down

Neither,
it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year,designed to keep the rest of us in line.

siegfried

03-06-2009, 09:42 PM

[quote=Donny Boy;994059]Superb - -
it needs to be read slowly and carefully to be appreciated!!!

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying posspits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse overollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knockedon Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and letoff a fig bart."Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted,he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls anda hig bard on.He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

4x4frog

03-06-2009, 10:24 PM

That brings back so many great memories of my childhood, sitting around the TV at my grandarents and watching the Two Ronnies with my english grandad.;D :'(
siegfried, if you have never seen it go to your local video store and see if they have a copy or better still go to the ABC shop and order it. Seeing Ronnie Barker recite all that with Ronnie Corbett sitting beside him trying not to die laughing is the funniest thing you will ever watch.

sandman55

04-06-2009, 12:04 AM

Try again ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rr8TD8MOutY

akman1

04-06-2009, 06:19 PM

Oldie but a goodie those 2 Ronnies were great together or on their own

PNG1M

04-06-2009, 11:23 PM

Dunno if this ones been posted before or not....probably has, but here goes anyway:

Bloke comes into a bar carrying a little box. Bloke has a sad sack look on his face.
He sits on a bar stool, puts the box on the bar & orders a drink - still looking glum.

Next thing, the side of the box opens up and a little man walks out. He's about a foot high & dressed in a tux. He drags a miniture grand piano out of the box and starts playing classical piano overtures.

Another bloke comes into the bar & sits next to the first guy, who still has a sad look on his face.

"Geeeze," says the second bloke. "That's amazing! Where did you get that little fellow from?"

"It was from a genie," the first chap replied. "I only had one wish and that's what I got."

Second guy said, "Then why are you so sad? I think it's incredible....anyway, do you reckon I could make a wish? Is that genie still around?"

"Yeah," said the first bloke, "you can try," taking out a small brass lamp from his pocket. He rubbed it and a genie appeared.

"Go ahead," invited the first guy, "make your wish."

Second guy said, "I wish I had a million BUCKS!"

Next thing they knew there was a quacking sound, quack-quack-quack-quack and the bar began filling up with ducks....more and more of them until they started to overwhelm the place....

"HEY," exclaimed the second bloke, "I said a million BUCKS! Not a million DUCKS! Has that genie of yours got a speech impediment or something?"

"Maybe he has," responded the first bloke. "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist??"

Chimo

09-06-2009, 09:08 PM

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that WhileHard Work and Knowledgewill get you close, andAttitude will get you there, it's theBULLSHIT
and Ass Kissingthat will put you over the top.

jim_bream

10-06-2009, 04:26 PM

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Panadol is Paracetemol, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Nurofen is Ibuprofen and so on.
The Federal Drug Administration has been looking at generic names for Viagra, and has anounced that it has settled on 'Mycoxafloppin'.
Also considered was:
Mycoxafailin
Mydixadrupin
Mydixadud
Dixafix
Coxarizin
and of course....
Ibepokin

The next drug to hit the market is chocolate flavoured headache relief, said to sold in the same pack as the Viagra.... marketed under the name 'Nottoniteudont'

Chimo

10-06-2009, 07:32 PM

LESSONS

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24.The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

And finally my thought, that perhaps most relevant to this group, even as we argue and hopefully agree to disagree;
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves

C

harry_h01

12-06-2009, 08:10 AM

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, ' Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?

groverwa

12-06-2009, 03:58 PM

Robot barman
A man enters a bar and orders a drink.

The bar has a robot barman.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,

"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about

global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry,

environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and

sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot.

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another

drink.

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him,

"What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league,

Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in

general.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot

one more test.

He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your
IQ?"

The man replies, "Err, 50, I think."

And the robot says...real slowly...

"So...............ya gonna vote for Kevin again?"

Chimo

12-06-2009, 08:44 PM

Pregnancy, Oestrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word 'child support payment' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.

'OESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'OESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 0800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy..
10. The Nurofen Plus box is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

groverwa

15-06-2009, 09:33 PM

What Have We Learned in 2064 Years? - other than to do a preview on this forum before submitting a message even though that message looks OK:D :D :D

So here it is. What have we learned in 2,064 years?
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."
- Cicero - 55 BC

Sound familiar

mod5

15-06-2009, 09:39 PM

What Have We Learned in 2064 Years?
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And the answer is? ;D ;D ;D

coucho

16-06-2009, 11:11 AM

TRUE STORY:

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.

There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.
This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work...
"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......
"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...
"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn' t he?" .....
"Err NO!"

Living in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years.

tinman42

16-06-2009, 11:31 AM

coucho

16-06-2009, 11:34 AM

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what
their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman,
policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being
uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in
front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with
a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays league for new south wales but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

coucho

16-06-2009, 11:37 AM

Is this the meaning of life???????:o
no its from the future see it says what we have learned in 2064 years :P :P in another 53 years you will be able to understand that jibberish

coucho

16-06-2009, 11:55 AM

31 of the most important rules men have.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!

Chimo

16-06-2009, 09:13 PM

Apparently These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
..... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal..

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Chris tmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Chris tmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour...

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Chimo

16-06-2009, 09:28 PM

Wedding Fairy:

A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th
Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,
"For being such a wonderful married couple and for being loving to each
other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife
answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for
the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but
an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but
my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the
fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93
years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards
should remember fairies are female.....

SWANO1

16-06-2009, 09:51 PM

when a non drinker wakes in the morning that is as good as they are going to feel all day .

TimiBoy

20-06-2009, 09:41 AM

An amusing 'toon...

Chimo

20-06-2009, 05:41 PM

Tim

Thats too close to the truth to even be a little bit funny!!!!

Chimo

yellowbeard

21-06-2009, 05:27 PM

They say a picture (well a video in this case) is worth a thousand words:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUh3VX9fOg4

Dezzer

21-06-2009, 08:56 PM

Oldie but a goodie those 2 Ronnies were great together or on their own

I agree

Watched that and it reminded me of another of their classic skits. A google of "2 ronnies" and "fork handles" found it straight away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ

TimiBoy

22-06-2009, 09:12 AM

Subject: TEACHING MATHS UK STYLE

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of $20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a $100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further $100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for $100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan t o buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following t heir holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths In 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

STUIE63

22-06-2009, 11:08 AM

Tim
haven't laughed that much in ages
the scary thing is it's coming true
Stuie

akman1

22-06-2009, 08:37 PM

sad But So True

Chimo

22-06-2009, 08:46 PM

PSALM 2009 - 2012
FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT
Kevin is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Liberal party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life
And I will live in a rented home forever.
I am glad I am Australian,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog
and Kevin was a tree

TimiBoy

23-06-2009, 09:32 AM

On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his experiences in handling the Australian Indigineous situation in Australia.
He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living.
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly

mowerman

23-06-2009, 04:25 PM

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized

for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world,

real or imaginary.

We know we take responsibility

for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER,

upon reflection,

we would like to point out

that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones

who eliminated

patience and tolerance

from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning

of patriotism,

and remember those who have fought and died

for our country.

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy,

I just don't like:

traffic,

waiting,

crowds,

lawyers,

loud music,

unruly kids,

barking dogs,

and a few other things

I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days,

and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering,

if you're only as old as you feel,

how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....
I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Mac1952

23-06-2009, 05:34 PM

Brilliant!!

Xahn1960

23-06-2009, 10:19 PM

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party on Friday night. Thought you might like to come along. 8.00pm ok?'
'Great', says Tom, 'After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you; there’ll be some drinking.'
'Not a problem,' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More 'n' likely be some wild sex, too.'
'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

mowerman

24-06-2009, 02:45 PM

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down

The moral is......
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Chimo

24-06-2009, 03:30 PM

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, Everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!

Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;

everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I prefer Construction Workers.

Those guys understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. They've got no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arse - and they are interchangeable'

Chimo

24-06-2009, 06:24 PM

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

CreelReaper

24-06-2009, 11:58 PM

A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his hair. (Aye, like he had hair!)

This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing.

I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 130 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side.
Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes and today is Friday the 13th.

If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

The man looked back at the policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.

"The policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Chimo

25-06-2009, 10:28 AM

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken Literally;

'Circumcised' (this is priceless!) Here goes!

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private parts' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Donny Boy

26-06-2009, 10:23 AM

And so it goes............The queue outside Centrelink today.

CreelReaper

26-06-2009, 06:52 PM

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops!

Fish Lips

26-06-2009, 10:05 PM

"The coffin stops"

:LMAO:

That was funny
Thanks for that i needed a good laugh.

It's been a real bad day for me today.
My brother who lives in the U.S.A. rang this morning, he was an absolute emotional mess
He works as a paramedic, he was part of the crew that went to the Jackson house when the 911 call came in.

He tells me it was a pretty disturbing scene when they got there, my brother was the first paramedic to administer CPR.

Apperently he went to pinch his nose so he could breathe into his mouth,
and well........

;D

Scott nthQld

27-06-2009, 09:46 AM

The Hospital is unsure as what they are going to do with Michael Jackson's body.......plastic recycle night isn't until Friday

Scott nthQld

27-06-2009, 09:47 AM

and just to be fair, a Farrah Fawcett one:

It's so hard to find a good plumber these days, I've been trying for years to get that troublesome Fawcett switched off

CreelReaper

27-06-2009, 01:32 PM

This is creepy!

Think of a letter between

A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Keep going ........................... . . Don't stop . . ..

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins
with the last letter in the animals name

Almost there...............................

.
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers
of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out
in front of you at face level

Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand
Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person’s name?............................

Of course they flamin dont.......
Now smack yourself in the head,
get a life, and quit playing
stupid games and get back to work!

groverwa

28-06-2009, 04:21 PM

Johnno and Dave from Fremantle die and wake up in hell.

The devil stops by to see how they have settled in, but is stunned to find them
sunbaking. He asks what are you doing sunbaking in this searing heat.

Johnno replies, We are from Western Australia, the Golden State, the land of
sunshine. We love the heat.

The devil decides they're not miserable enough so he turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops by and they're still lazily sitting back, sucking
away on a couple of stubbies. The devil asks them angrily, Its F**ing hot down
here. Can’t you blokes feel it?

Nah, says Dave. Like we told ya yesterday, were from WA. We love the heat.

This pisses off the devil even more so he decides to fix Dave and Johnno; he
cranks up the heat as high as it will go. Soon, everyones wailing and screaming.

He drops in the next day and Dave and Johnno are kicking back in board shorts and thongs, drinking beer and having a Barbie. The devil is amazed: Everyone down here is utterly miserable, but you two keep enjoying yourselves.

Dave grins, Well, ya know, it kinda reminds us of home when the weather is
THIS nice.

Frustrated, the devil comes up with a new plan to get the pair, he turns off
all the heat in hell.

The next day, the temperature is a hundred below zero,
with ice and snow everywhere. The devil smiles and heads off to see the two Freo boys.

Incredibly, he finds them rugged up and drinking beer, cheering and laughing
like lunatics.

I don't understand cries the dumbfounded devil. When I turn up the
heat you're happy. Now its freezing and you're still f****** happy. What in the
name of hell is wrong with you two blokes now?

Johnno looks at him in surprise and grins, Don't you know, mate? If hell freezes
over, it must mean the Dockers have finally won the premiership.

Chimo

30-06-2009, 11:37 AM

Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in, Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what The man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Chimo

30-06-2009, 11:41 AM

The Beemer

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought,
"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

Chimo

01-07-2009, 08:44 PM

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE!!!
NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

BGG

02-07-2009, 07:46 AM

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Chimo

02-07-2009, 07:36 PM

The Six Affairs

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked the idea so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

Chimo

02-07-2009, 07:43 PM

GOLFER'S HONEYMOON

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ....'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!'

TimiBoy

02-07-2009, 08:15 PM

The Ascot Vale Deli in Melbourne has a new coffee on the menu.
It's the Des Moran espresso, it has three shots, only costs tuppence, and it blows your head off.

Chimo

03-07-2009, 08:14 PM

:P :P Monty Python threat levels to terrorism

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs...”
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the
Prime Minister's bath),
New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".
Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".
There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.:P

yellowbeard

06-07-2009, 01:07 PM

A penguin takes his boat for the annual motor service, and while he's waiting he takes a walk to the ice cream parlour. When he returns the mechanic says, "Hey man looks like you've just blown a seal." And the penguin says, "No it's just a little ice cream."

Chimo

06-07-2009, 06:42 PM

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show here in Swainsboro. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to personally apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap!'

groverwa

06-07-2009, 08:22 PM

Confucius Say:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Damned67

06-07-2009, 10:52 PM

mowerman

08-07-2009, 04:56 PM

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody!

groverwa

08-07-2009, 06:13 PM

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter

comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother went mad,
Telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Gran.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

:o :o :o ;D

Happy Gardening.
(This is too funny not to share!)

Ozie_3

08-07-2009, 06:54 PM

oops G rated sorry

finga

09-07-2009, 06:16 PM

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware
of Edna ' s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ' Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you ' re being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping
in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded
that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
but he ' s dead. '

Edna replied, ' He didn ' t hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home? '

Chimo

09-07-2009, 07:29 PM

Anna Bligh was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Anna, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Anna.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Anna.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Anna.

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Anna Bligh's chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow.'

charleville

09-07-2009, 07:52 PM

Shopping List

A lady was ill and her husband volunteered to go to the supermarket for her.

She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

He returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack
the grocery bags.
He had :
one bag of sugar,
two cartons of eggs,
three hams,
four boxes of detergent,
five boxes of crackers,
six eggplants, and
seven green peppers.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

.

Scott nthQld

09-07-2009, 08:30 PM

ahh chimo if only that were true

Chimo

09-07-2009, 08:37 PM

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

sparkyice

10-07-2009, 01:38 AM

A bear walks into a bar in Bozeman, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Bozeman.'

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Bozeman.'

The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Bozeman.'

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Bozeman who are on drugs.'

The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.'

the bartender says "you are now..."

(you're gonna hate me)

"...that was a barbitchuate."

groverwa

10-07-2009, 06:48 AM

This may have been posted B4

Fred Smith had been out fishing all morning in local river

Having no success at all he packed up and went into the local fish shop and asked for four fish. He requested that the fishmonger throw them to him.

The fishmonger was intrigued and asked why.

Fred replied, "So I can tell the family I caught them".::) ::) ;D

Chimo

10-07-2009, 06:47 PM

New Orleans Crabs...

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to
take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised
to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he
was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave
me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think

BGG

13-07-2009, 08:00 AM

The Pastor's Ass

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won .
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS .
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey .
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

TimiBoy

13-07-2009, 08:21 AM

The Pastor's Ass

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won .
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS .
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey .
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest.Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Amen to that!

Xahn1960

13-07-2009, 10:38 PM

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your a$$, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.

Xahn1960

13-07-2009, 10:41 PM

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

Chimo

14-07-2009, 11:55 AM

Logistics and Organization

After having failed his Exam in "Logistics and Organization", Danny goes
and confronts his lecturer about it.

Danny: Sir, do you really understand anything about the Subject?

Professor: Surely I must, otherwise I would not become a Professor!

Danny: Great, Well then I would like to ask you a Question. If you can
give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as is and GO. If you
however, do not know the answer, you must then give me an "A" for the
Exam.

Professor: Okay, it's a deal. So what is the Question?

Danny: What is legal, but not logical, logical but not legal, and
neither logical nor legal?

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor can't give
Danny an answer, and therefore changes his Exam mark to "A" as agreed.

Still puzzled, the professor later calls on his best student in his
class, Sihle, and asks him the same question.

Sihle immediately answers, "Sir, you see, you are 63 years old and
married to a 35 year old woman. That is legal, but not logical. Your wife
has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that
you've given your wife's lover an "A", although he should have really
failed, is neither legal nor logical."

THE PROFESSOR FAINTED!!!!!!!!!!

Chimo

14-07-2009, 07:42 PM

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Longreach farm and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation”.
The old farmer says, “Okay, but don't go in that field over there”.
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your card!............. Show him Your card!

mowerman

14-07-2009, 09:18 PM

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're
Nuts.'

.

mini696

15-07-2009, 08:13 AM

Sihle immediately answers, "Sir, you see, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman. That is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that
you've given your wife's lover an "A", although he should have really
failed, is neither legal nor logical." Technically not a correct answer as the question was after ONE thing that covered all the bases. The answer contained 3 separate entities.

Chimo

15-07-2009, 11:19 AM

Hi Mini

Lets put it to the jury................

Cheers
Chimo

Cheech

15-07-2009, 01:21 PM

I thought the same thing, but, 'never let the truth get in the way of a good story'.

Sea-Dog

15-07-2009, 08:16 PM

Hi Mini

Lets put it to the jury................

Cheers
Chimo

Juror #2 here.

The answer is: Being a 63 year old professor that is married to a 35 year old wife, who has a 25 year old lover that received an "A" on his exam from that same professor, when the student should really have failed. The situation can be described as " Legal, but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal."

So I agree, but the way that Sihle framed the answer could have been rephrased to better address the format of the question.

Chimo

15-07-2009, 08:32 PM

A Point of Clarification for the jury.

What is a question?

Definition Here are two senses of question:

A question is an illocutionary act that has a directive illocutionary point (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsADirectiveIllocutionaryP.htm) of attempting to get the addressee (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAnAddressee.htm) to supply information.
A question is a sentence (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsASentence.htm) type that has a form (labeled interrogative (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsInterrogativeMood.htm)) typically used to express an illocutionary act with the directive illocutionary point mentioned above. It may be actually so used (as a direct illocution (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsADirectIllocution.htm)), or used rhetorically.Examples (English) Here are some examples of sentences, ordered to illustrate the two senses of question above:

An illocutionary act that attempts to obtain information from an addressee

Tell me your name.
Give me your address.
Sentences with inverted word order or interrogative pro-forms (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAnInterrogativeProForm.htm)

What’s your name?
Did you sleep well?Kinds Here are some kinds of questions:
What is an alternative question? (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAnAlternativeQuestion.htm)
What is a tag question? (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsATagQuestion.htm)
What is a wh-question? (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAWhQuestion.htm)
What is a yes-no question? (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAYesNoQuestion.htm)Generic A question is a kind of
What is an illocutionary act? (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAnIllocutionaryAct.htm)Sources Crystal 1985 (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/BibliographyLinguistics/Crystal1985.htm) 254
Hartmann and Stork 1972 (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/BibliographyLinguistics/HartmannAndStork1972.htm) 190
Larson 1984 (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/BibliographyLinguistics/Larson1984.htm) 234
Mish 1991 (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/BibliographyLinguistics/Mish1991.htm) 966

Context for this page:

Concept module: question (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAQuestion.htm)
In overview module: Glossary (Linguistics): Q (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/GlossaryLinguisticsQ.htm)
In modular book: Glossary of linguistic terms (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/Index.htm), by Eugene E. Loos (http://www.sil.org/LinguaLinks/AuthorsAL.htm#Loos1700B8F0CDA42D5) (general editor), Susan Anderson (editor), Dwight H., Day, Jr. (http://www.sil.org/LinguaLinks/AuthorsAL.htm#Day1BC05400CFEA75C) (editor), Paul C. Jordan (http://www.sil.org/LinguaLinks/AuthorsAL.htm#Jordan1BC07E40CFEAD45) (editor), and J. Douglas Wingate (http://www.sil.org/LinguaLinks/AuthorsMZ.htm#Wingate1BC06030CFEA7DF) (editor)
In bookshelf: Linguistics (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/Linguistics.htm)http://www.sil.org/graphics/SIL-65w.gif (http://www.sil.org/) This page is an extract from the LinguaLinks Library (http://www.ethnologue.com/ll_docs/contents.asp), Version 5.0 published on CD-ROM by SIL International (http://www.sil.org/), 2003.

Hope it helps::)

Cheers
Chimo

sparkyice

15-07-2009, 08:41 PM

Roflmao!!!!

Fish Lips

15-07-2009, 09:04 PM

A Point of Clarification for the jury.

What is a question?

Definition Here are two senses of question:

A question is an illocutionary act that has a directive illocutionary point (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsADirectiveIllocutionaryP.htm) of attempting to get the addressee (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAnAddressee.htm) to supply information.
A question is a sentence (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsASentence.htm) type that has a form (labeled interrogative (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsInterrogativeMood.htm)) typically used to express an illocutionary act with the directive illocutionary point mentioned above. It may be actually so used (as a direct illocution (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsADirectIllocution.htm)), or used rhetorically.Examples (English) Here are some examples of sentences, ordered to illustrate the two senses of question above:

An illocutionary act that attempts to obtain information from an addressee
Tell me your name.
Give me your address.
Sentences with inverted word order or interrogative pro-forms (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAnInterrogativeProForm.htm)

What’s your name?
Did you sleep well?
Kinds Here are some kinds of questions:

What is an alternative question? (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAnAlternativeQuestion.htm)
What is a tag question? (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsATagQuestion.htm)
What is a wh-question? (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAWhQuestion.htm)
What is a yes-no question? (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAYesNoQuestion.htm)Generic A question is a kind of

What is an illocutionary act? (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAnIllocutionaryAct.htm)Sources Crystal 1985 (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/BibliographyLinguistics/Crystal1985.htm) 254
Hartmann and Stork 1972 (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/BibliographyLinguistics/HartmannAndStork1972.htm) 190
Larson 1984 (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/BibliographyLinguistics/Larson1984.htm) 234
Mish 1991 (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/BibliographyLinguistics/Mish1991.htm) 966

Context for this page:

Concept module: question (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/WhatIsAQuestion.htm)
In overview module: Glossary (Linguistics): Q (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/GlossaryLinguisticsQ.htm)
In modular book: Glossary of linguistic terms (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOflinguisticTerms/Index.htm), by Eugene E. Loos (http://www.sil.org/LinguaLinks/AuthorsAL.htm#Loos1700B8F0CDA42D5) (general editor), Susan Anderson (editor), Dwight H., Day, Jr. (http://www.sil.org/LinguaLinks/AuthorsAL.htm#Day1BC05400CFEA75C) (editor), Paul C. Jordan (http://www.sil.org/LinguaLinks/AuthorsAL.htm#Jordan1BC07E40CFEAD45) (editor), and J. Douglas Wingate (http://www.sil.org/LinguaLinks/AuthorsMZ.htm#Wingate1BC06030CFEA7DF) (editor)
In bookshelf: Linguistics (http://www.sil.org/linguistics/Linguistics.htm)http://www.sil.org/graphics/SIL-65w.gif (http://www.sil.org/) This page is an extract from the LinguaLinks Library (http://www.ethnologue.com/ll_docs/contents.asp), Version 5.0 published on CD-ROM by SIL International (http://www.sil.org/), 2003.

Hope it helps::)

Cheers
Chimo

I would say that's game over! 8-)

I would also say,

You've got too much time on your hands.

You should be fishing.

;D

(keep the jokes coming though, those last two were crackers)

Marlin_Mike

16-07-2009, 06:17 AM

More details Chimo.....i dont understand your point................... WTF??????????????????????? you smoking winny blues or something else? LMAO

You need to get out fishing more. :):):) illocutionary????????????

Mike

mini696

16-07-2009, 08:35 AM

Love your work guys.

STUIE63

16-07-2009, 02:54 PM

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it."You'll really love my place."The grass is almost a foot high"

ffejsmada

16-07-2009, 02:58 PM

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their
bedroom. 'You know what?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about
time we started swearing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then
you swear after me, OK?'

'OK, OK' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast. 'I'll have some of that Weetbix shit !'
*SMACK*!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
The mum looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f**king Weetbix!'
__________________

Didley

16-07-2009, 03:21 PM

harry_h01

16-07-2009, 03:29 PM

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq
1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.